Chapter forty
Police department
Bangor, ME
Spencer
Of course the day after their trip to the zoo was a Monday, and of course they were called out on a case.
On the one hand it was considered bad form to spend too much time worried about life back home where there was a case that needed solving. And even distracted, the amount of brain power he could apply to the case was easily more than what the FBI expected so that wasn't really an excuse. And her tracker did show that Susanna stayed home most of the day, only taking a gentle walk around the quiet, low-risk neighborhood about mid-afternoon. And Garcia did say that the proper role of a loving, supportive….ok, yes, boyfriend…at this time was to be patient and wait for her to make the first move.
On the other hand, every insecurity he had was screaming for mercy.
About the twentieth time he checked his voice mail that day he found a message. "Um, hi, it's Susanna. I know you're out on a case and I don't want to interrupt but if you have a chance could you call me, please. We need to talk. I'll be up until midnight."
"What's wrong, kid?" Morgan asked. In response Spencer played the message. "Go." Morgan said. "You're going to be useless until you hear it."
He went, finding a quiet, somewhat private corner of the department. She answered on the second ring. "Spencer?"
"Susanna. Okay, I know we never discussed the whole potential boyfriend/girlfriend dating aspect of anything but please tell me you're not breaking up with me." On top of everything else in his life he really didn't think he could take that.
"No No! Actually I was expecting to ask you that question at some point."
Spencer let out a sigh that seemed to come from his toes. "No. Whatever it is we can work it out somehow. I promise."
"Yeah, that's what Marsha said. She said we just need to talk about it and it should be okay. At least I hope it will be okay. But I don't think we should talk about it while you're at work."
"What are we talking about?"
"Um…um…" Deep breath on her part. "Sex."
Oh hell. "Yeah, probably not at work. Just tell me you're not developing a fondness for girls." Lila had, after him. Kind of put the whole quash on any chance of trying with her after her Unsub went to trial.
"What? No, you. But it's…really complicated. Marsha said that what Pastor Goodwin preached…it's complicated. But she thinks it will be okay if we can talk about it."
"Honestly, not something I find easy to talk about." I think I'd prefer taking a sword to a T-rex, he thought, but no one ever gave a knight an easy challenge. "But we will, when I get home."
"Same here. All right. Just…one thing I want...I just don't want to mess this up and I…"
"Susanna, whatever it is we can work it out, I know we can."
"Spencer I…I think I'm falling in love with you."
The sound of the busy police station fell away, the light dimmed, the earth stopped rotating under his feet, and every living being in the galaxy held its breath. Sometimes, he thought, you really do get a second chance. "I love you too."
He heard the smile come back into her voice. "Well then. I guess I'll talk to you as soon as you can."
"Yes, absolutely."
"Good night Spencer."
"Good night Susanna."
He kind of floated back toward the conference room. "Well?" Morgan asked. "It doesn't look like she broke it off."
"No, just the opposite."
"Oh?"
"And I didn't make the same mistake this time." Not like he had with Maeve.
Morgan grinned. "Good."
Travelodge Bangor
482 Odlin Rd,
Bangor ME
Later that night it hit him.
Just tell me you're not developing a fondness for girls
No, you
Sex had never been an easy thing for him. Lila had been so out of his league. Even Maeve had been almost more than he thought he could handle. Susanna might be okay though. Maybe.
If only he could stop feeling Diane's hands on his skin, stop hearing the kids in high school laughing…
His wrists were burning as he tried to get them free of the plastic restraints. "Help, please! Leave me alone!" He cried but they only laughed harder. He could hear them all around him but couldn't see due to the blindfold on his eyes.
"Look at him, he's so skinny! There's, like, nothing to him!"
"He's so white the glare's making my eyes hurt!"
"Are you sure he's even a boy?"
Spencer felt the blade at the waist of his underpants. "Nonononono!" But the blade cut and his last bit of clothing fluttered away.
"Barely." The boy wielding the knife said.
"I can't even see it!"
"It's so small!"
"Not much to lose then…." Spencer felt them up behind them…
Spencer sat straight up in bed, gasping. Damn the nightmares anyway.
He got up and made his way to the bathroom by the light of the nightlight he always packed with him. Once there he gazed at himself in the mirror. Not much to look at especially compared to someone like Morgan. Granted he was better, after he'd actually hit a home run at the baseball game (he still couldn't believe he'd done that) and with Maeve's encouragement he'd gone to Morgan's gym (nothing like a big, confident friend for someone who could still hear the high school taunts ringing in their ears) and placed himself into the trainer's hands. But still, there was only so much to work with here. He was glad Maeve hadn't seen it; for all that she'd indicated that she was interested he still thought she would have just ended up laughing. At least Susanna wouldn't see…
He stopped and stared at himself in the mirror. Was that why he was so glad her surgery was delayed six months? So that if they did end up together she wouldn't actually look at him? How seriously twisted was that?
Maybe she wasn't the only one who needed a therapist when it came to sex
Who was he kidding? She definitely wasn't the only one who needed a therapist when it came to sex.
After he was finished in there he went back to the bed and sat. Sex had always been a minefield for him. Thanks to the girls in high school and spending his teen years staying with one of the professors from the Mathematics department he had managed to completely quash his sex drive early and hard. He had honestly believed that he was asexual; he had no drive to mate at all and any need for attention and affection were well met by his mother, who'd had trouble with her little boy growing up on her anyway. Then he'd had to put Mom into Bennington, which had cut that source off for years, something he'd simply endured until he met Lila when he was twenty-four. That was the first time he'd ever felt that kind of attraction, and when she pulled him into the pool and kissed him she'd woken something dark and hot that for a moment had nearly blotted out everything. It wasn't until after that case, thinking about Lila and those bikinis of hers, that he'd realized that he could achieve the same dopamine release in his own bed, with no need for anyone else.
Then the opiates killed it. No need for a sex drive, or affection or attention when you can get all of it and more from the needle in your arm. Besides, it stopped working, he stopped working anyway. And after he got clean, just in case, he stopped that too. Too many stories of guys transferring their addictions and ending up paying a string of prostitutes just to keep up.
Fast forward several years and the headaches were getting worse. Maeve realized she was attracted to him and turned his case over to a different doctor in DC, one more holistic than the one he'd seen at Georgetown. One who prescribed vitamins and more sleep and rest, and after a gentle inquiry, that he try again. Which he did. Once. But he'd felt so dammed lonely to still be doing this when he was thirty that he simply could not make it work.
Maeve had promised him that they would, that she knew what to do and would show him and help him. He'd almost been intimidated by her in that regard. She knew so much when it came to that. But she had gone before she could show him anything. Instead it had been Diane who had run her hands down his chest right in front of Maeve. Diane who had brought that dark, hot thing back to him. Diane who had tricked his body into reacting right where Maeve could see. He knew, he had to know, that Maeve understood that it was only a physiological reaction by an inexperienced body to a new sensation. He had to believe that or else he would lose it completely.
Of course after that there was nothing. He didn't even want to consider it anymore. He wanted to be safely asexual for the rest of his life, just let that part of life slip away with Maeve.
And then Susanna said she wanted to breathe the air in Africa.
Sleep, he thought, tonight I will sleep. And tomorrow we will catch the Unsub. And then Susanna and I will talk, and take it from there.