A/N: I've been waiting to post this one! Finally... Reminder: MATURE RATING. So it focuses pretty-much-kinda solely on one memory, and unlike other chapters, this memory is told first from Severus' and then continues from Lily's point of view, rather than skipping to another memory and having the character summarize it from their POV. I hope you enjoy it. I am really excited for next chapters; the story is getting going after this one. I keep saying this is dark fic and I know it hasn't shown, but trust me, it's coming.
Chapter Eight: Upside Down
"I've got knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear,
and to cut out words I've got written on my chair
Like,
Do you think I'm sexy?
And do you think I really care?"
-K'S CHOICE
"Hey Severus!" greeted Lily, putting her cauldron up on the desk they shared in the front row of the Potions classroom. "I've been trying to get a hold of you all weekend. Why'd you run away on Sunday? I wasn't mad at you—I just wanted to see why you got so upset and cursed Potter and Black. They said they didn't do anything to you but I figured they were lying."
Severus hunched his shoulders and looked down, his heart pounding. He'd been thinking about Lily nearly endlessly since he'd gone and spilled it to Lucius he thought she was pretty. He'd tried to convince himself he'd temporarily gone mad and had just spouted off the first thing he could think of to try and get Lucius off the trail of thinking he and Lily were good friends. But he knew better than that. Lily waspretty. Today was no exception. While he looked like he was wearing a shapeless sack while in his robes, the black velvet looked good on her. He'd seen her at breakfast between Mary and Muruvi, and she'd laughed at something they'd said. It was a clean, pleasant sound that sent his stomach into an acrobatics routine, causing him to slop porridge all down his front. But Lily had always been pretty! Why was he going psychotic all of a sudden? It was as though saying it aloud to Lucius had made it truer.
"Hey," he greeted, a serious expression on his face. He pretended to be very interested in putting out his Potions supplies, lining up the vials extra carefully. "I had to do something—that's why I went away. And we were only cursing each other as a laugh," he said.
"I don't think shooting snakes at people is funny," Lily told him. "It was an interesting spell. But you still shouldn't have done it."
Severus' brain skipped over the negative things she'd said and he only picked up on the second sentence. "Yeah, I think it's interesting, too. I didn't even practice it that much," he boasted, looking at her to see her reaction.
When she stared at him funny, he looked away and went back to arranging his bottles, his heart pounding faster, wondering what he could have possibly said wrong this time.
"Want to go to Hogsmede this weekend?" Lily asked. "Mary's been asked to go by Frank and Muruvi's behind on homework so I don't really want to go by mys—"
"YES," Severus said at once.
Lily laughed, slightly nervously. "All right, then. McGonagall said that all the third years can meet up with her in the Great Hall at one in the afternoon after lunch, so we can meet there."
Severus nodded. "Yes, okay. I want to go see that haunted house." He remembered how great it had been when Lily used to be scared of the Dementors: how close she'd gotten to him, and how extremely fascinated she'd always acted when she was fearful. How stupid he'd been not to take more advantage of the fact that she'd let him grab her and how idiotic he'd acted as a kid when he clearly could have pretended that a Dementor's Kiss was really kissing. Maybe he could think up some way to get close at the Shrieking Shack, but it seemed hopeless. She can't know I like her,he thought, but he felt like it was obvious. He looked away from her again.
"Me too," said Lily. "I also want to try coffee! My parents won't let me have it."
"I've tried coffee before," Severus replied, trying to sound cool.
They were interrupted by Slughorn who hurried in through the back of the classroom. "Sorry to be late, sorry to be late! Professor Zabini kept me in the staffroom, she always has such interesting things to say—it's never a dull moment when your death is always being predicted. I have a few announcements. First off, we'll be switching to a unit on elixirs, so be sure to read chapters twelve through twenty three for Friday."
James Potter groaned, along with several other students.
"Yes, I know," Slughorn laughed. "But there you have it. Now, my second order of business is breaking you up into partners. You'll have the same partner for the next two months and then you will switch. I've noticed that not all of you have worked together, and that can't do! Right then, here we are—" he pulled a parchment out of his robes. "Sirius Black, you'll be working with Evan Rosier."
Everyone made catcalls, knowing full well that Evan and Sirius hated each other immensely. Slughorn went down the list, reading each name aloud. Halfway in, he announced: "Lily Evans and Remus Lupin."
Severus gritted his teeth and threw Remus an extremely hostile expression. Remus looked at the back wall and feigned interest in the supply shelf. Severus was so annoyed that he nearly missed his own name, which was next.
"Severus Snape," said Slughorn, "and James Potter."
"NOOO!" James called out loudly. The entire classroom erupted into laughter and yells of amusement.
"You got Snivellus!" someone yelled.
Severus sneered at the professor. "You're joking, right?"
Lily gave him a pitying look.
Slughorn blinked and looked away from his list. "Boys—really! It's only a few months!"
"That's like forever with Sniv—er—Snape," James said, leaning back in his chair. "C'mon, Slughorn! Change it! Look at him! He doesn't want to be with me, either."
"What's the issue?" Slughorn asked, clearly hurt that his arrangement was causing such a scene.
"What isn't the issue?" said Severus darkly.
"Professor," said Lily, waving her hand around. She threw Remus a look. "I'm sure Remus would be all right with us switching—he could work with Severus and I could work with Potter."
Remus looked ill.
"YEAH!" James said, pumping the air with his fist. "No offense, Remus."
"Yeah, bad luck, Remus!" Sirius shouted. Everyone started laughing again.
"Lupin got Snivellus!" the same person from before put in.
"That's not much better," Severus said, and his tone was cold. "Why don't I work with Lily, and those two stick together?"
"He's a genius," said James, applauding. "I never noticed it 'till now."
"Although it has been a charming combination, I think you may need to learn how to get along with others, Severus," said Slughorn positively. "Particularly if you're going to excel in life! I'm going to keep my previous arrangement. All right, everyone! Get a move on! Find your partners and sit together at a station!"
Severus reluctantly got up, his entire body rigid. "I'm staying right here," he said to anyone who'd listen. "I all ready put my things out the way I like."
Across the aisle, James made a pained expression at Sirius. "He's all ready put his things out the way he likes," he said disgustedly, as though it was the worst thing he'd ever heard. Everyone avoided Severus' table anyway, choosing stations further in the back of the classroom. James took the longest getting ready, packing up his cauldron and books at a snail's pace. When he finally wandered over to sit at the station, he made a big show of moving his chair several paces away from Severus.
"Here's my homework," Severus said, slapping it down on the table between them. "Let's exchange work and see if we got all the same answers. That's what Lily and I do."
"Oh, I didn't get to my homework," said James, stretching. "I all ready got excused by Slughorn—I'll be turning mine in tomorrow. Quidditch practice has been taking up all my time lately."
Severus clenched his teeth. "You didn't do your homework?"
James' eyes wandered down to Severus' work. "Blimey. How small is your writing, anyway? You've got like three meters of parchment here! Why don't you just lick Slughorn's boots while you're at it?"
They spent the entire lesson this way. Severus felt awful, like he was between vomiting and screaming. James was completely stupid. He tried to make jokes that fell flat. Severus didn't think class time was a good place to act silly. He didn't follow directions and kept getting their potion wrong. Severus had to keep barking orders at him. What was even more maddening was the fact that Lily and Remus seemed to be having a grand time on the other side of the room. They kept laughing and taking notes, and their potion looked like it was going well. Severus nearly chopped off his fingers because he was watching them so intently. To top it off, James kept making faces at Sirius, as if Severus did not notice.
Finally, Severus snatched James' stirrer away from him. "I'm taking over," he snapped. "You're just fucking everything up."
"Whoa! Language!" James exclaimed. "Why are you getting all touchy?" But he didn't seem to mind because he sat down and put his feet up on the table, flipping through Snape's Potions book. "You've got all kinds of notes in here. It's good writing in books isn't illegal or you'd be thrown in jail for all eternity." He laughed at his own joke.
"PUT THAT DOWN!" Severus hollered, a little bit of saliva shooting out of his mouth.
"Riiiight," James said, dropping it and putting his hands up. "Well, that proves it. You're nuts."
At the end of class, the two of them stood together as Slughorn was surveying the potions.
"If it weren't for me, the whole thing would have been ruined," Severus complained.
"Hate to break it to you," James began, "but I think your robes are due for a washing. You really stink."
Severus considered that he might sit next to Lily later in Shacklebolt's class, so he lifted his arm up and inhaled. "I don't smell bad. I smell normal."
"AHH!" James cried out. "SNIVELLUS JUST SMELLED HIS STINKY ARMPIT!"
Severus tensed up, glaring down at him.
Once again, the class burst into hysterics. Everyone kept mentioning it all day long, and no one in their year really would ever forget about the fact that it had happened. James would make certain of that.
"You're going to Hogsmede with Severus?" Mary asked loudly. Half the people in the common room turned around to look. It was Thursday evening, and Lily had been looking forward to the Hogsmede weekend. Except now Mary had to be all immature about it.
"Yes," hissed Lily into Mary's ear. "Why do you have to do that? I asked him—we're going together as friends—"
"You asked him?" Mary clarified, and then breathed out. "Well, I suppose that's not so bad. It means you're in charge of what happens. If things get weird, you can always find Frank and I. We're going to get ice cream… Except, don't bring Snape. Frank's afraid of him."
"What do you mean, if things get weird?" Lily wanted to know.
"It's Severus," Mary said, by way of an explanation.
James sat next to them on the couch, ruffling the front of his hair so that it looked all messed-up, the point of which Lily did not comprehend. "What's this? You're going to Hogsmede with Snivelly?" he shouted, with his eyebrows raised high above his glasses. "As his Potions partner, I have to advise you against that." He pumped his snitch arm.
"Stop it," Lily said instantly, scooting away from him.
"But Lily," James said, grinning, "He smelled his armpit! HE STINKS! You're going to have to plug your nose the entire time! HA HA HA!"
"Would you quit saying that?" Lily squawked. "It wasn't even funny the first time! He doesn't smell." But she was blushing.
"I can't go back to Potions tomorrow," James said, sitting back and closing his eyes, grimacing. He rubbed his temples as though he were experiencing an extremely stressful situation. "If that's what he did the first day, imagine what's next! He's probably going to pick his nose and wipe it on me or something."
Mary laughed until Lily pushed her. "He won't do that," Mary said, trying to pull a serious face. "And if he does, it will just make you stronger, James." To Lily, Mary whispered, "Are you sure Snape doesn't like you?"
"Positive," Lily said, nodding, but a few things spun through her head: Severus emerging from the bush wild-eyed and angry at Remus,his tone of voice when he asked if she'd see him instead of work on her project, how much older Severus seemed, how ready and willing he was to see her, how he only wanted to work with her in class…
"So why do you think he left Slughorn's party all upset after Belby flirted with you?" Mary went on. "From what you said, he sounded jealous." Lily had told Mary all about the mortifying party. Mary thought Belby was a loser who shouldn't have gone off after learning Lily's age, but she also thought Lily should have accepted the wine.
Lily bit her lip. "No, that wasn't it. He just hates people who show off." She realized that James was listening in and she made a face at him. "Find something to do! Stop eavesdropping!"
"I wasn't!" James said, clearly upset. He loped away, muttering under his breath.
Severus hardly touched lunch that Saturday. He felt like he could not breathe. Regulus and Lucius kept arguing about ridiculous subjects, and out of nerves, Severus shouted at them to shut up. Lucius raised one silver eyebrow and sneered, and Regulus sulked, like he always did when he made Severus annoyed. Mulciber, Rosier and Avery kept looking over at Severus and then talking loudly about where they were going to go in Hogsmede, as though he cared. Severus couldn't deal with them; he was too preoccupied with how the day with Lily was going to go. His heart was palpitating—Lucius' loud, drawling voice was driving him crazy, Regulus' whining was making him want to strangle himself, and he kept trying not to look over at the Gryffindor table where Lily was grinning at Mary and talking. But he did anyway, once every other minute. She looked up, sensing his stare, and waved at him. He ducked down, dropping his fork on the floor.
"What on earth is on your mind, Severus?" Lucius asked, leaning over the table to peer at Severus, who was still ducking down. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" Severus snapped, popping back up, "I've got a lot of things to think about, okay?" He put some butter in his mashed potatoes and shoved a spoonful in mouth. It tasted off.
Lucius smirked. "So, obviously you dohave something on your mind. Let me know when you figure it out," he said, and then stared. "You're acting bizarrely. You've just put jelly in your mashed potatoes."
Severus' black eyes shifted back and forth. "So what?" he asked, but now that Lucius mentioned it, it wasjelly and it tasted disgusting. Severus spat out the potatoes back on his plate.
"Well, really," Lucius trilled, looking offended.
Narcissa put her hand on Lucius' shoulder. "Let him be," she said calmly.
Lucius' head jerked and he looked at her, almost in surprise. "It is fine, Narcissa. Sometimes Severus gets too in his head and I have to make sure he's all right. He's acting positively insane."
"You're pestering him, though," Narcissa said lightly. "He's obviously feeling off. Just let him be," she repeated, and amazingly, Lucius listened to her, and they engaged in a conversation about the new dragon hide jackets they were planning to purchase. Severus was extremely grateful to Narcissa for this, but did not have the words to tell her so. Narcissa had been hanging around Lucius a great deal more lately. Lucius had not seemed to be particularly interested in sharing what had happened between them and so Severus had not asked. She was a welcome presence though, good-looking as always and she seemed to calm Lucius down considerably.
Narcissa was beautiful, but Lily was pretty in a different way, a more accessible way. Severus, at the thought of her, automatically directed his attention back to the Gryffindor table. Lily wasn't looking at him, but Mary was. She stuck her tongue out at him and laughed. Severus glared at her, looking down at his plate of food. He speared a carrot and ate it slowly, nibbling it bit by bit, looking slightly like an angry black-haired bunny rabbit. Where should he go with Lily, besides the Shrieking Shack? He did not want to run into his fellow housemates and he definitely didn't want to be anywhere near Potter and Black. Lily had said she wanted to try coffee. Was this a date? Severus' heartbeat started quickening more. No, he decided, it wasn't. But what if it was? Lily had asked him to go with her alone, after all. But he wasn't sure if girls asked boys on dates. He wished he knew more about the subject. This was a time when knowing about stupid social things would be helpful. He couldn't ask Lucius because Lucius would know he was meeting up with Lily. And there was no one else who would know except for perhaps Gilderoy, but Severus had been very glad that Gilderoy had been fully avoiding him this year. He was not about to ruin that blessed fact.
After what seemed like a million years, lunch was over and students began filing out of the Great Hall, save for other third year students who were waiting for McGonagall to show up. As soon as Lucius, Narcissa, and Regulus had walked away, Severus drew in a breath and headed over to where Lily was standing, which was unfortunately between Mary and Frank Longbottom.
"Hi Lily," Severus said breathlessly when he had approached their group.
Lily smiled, sending his stomach into a series of cartwheels. "Hey Sev."
Mary elbowed Lily in the ribs. "Well, Frank. Let's get out of here." She grabbed him by his arm and led him away a few paces, whispering to him loudly.
Lily rolled her eyes. "Sorry about her. She's being very annoying today."
"Er. That's all right," said Severus, who had been too busy looking at Lily to notice or care whatever it was that Mary had done. Lily was wearing a set of the Muggle clothes she'd gotten over the summer: a green shirt with a black cardigan, and those bell bottoms that accentuated her hips nicely. He had a very strong urge to touch her behind. His eyes became large with unease. Why was his mind filling with so many insane thoughts? Maybe Lucius was right. Maybe he was insane.
"Severus?" Lily asked worriedly. "Is something the matter?"
He shook his head rapidly from side to side, his hair swinging. Thank God she doesn't know Legilimency, he thought. "I'm fine," he croaked and cleared his throat. "How're you?"
Lily gave him a strange look but then smiled. "I'm doing well! Remus and I have been studying a lot—" she trailed off, watching his expression quickly become sour. "I mean, not alotbut I've been helping him with his Potions homework."
"Why?" Severus asked, his voice getting loud. "How will he learn if you do his homework for him? He should fail and then he'll really learn." His fists were at his sides and his shoulders were tense.
"Severus, Remus is my friend. So stop being mean about him. Honestly. We're partners now. You and Potter will probably work on your homework together too, eventually."
"I hope not," Severus replied. "Potter doesn't even care abouthis homework. He's a terrible partner, I had to do basically everything—"
"You can be kind of controlling though, Severus. You know that, I've told you when we work on our projects together," Lily said, smiling.
Severus' stomach wriggled and he smiled back unevenly. "Yeah, I guess I can be. But Potter doesn't mind because he's so lazy. Yesterday, he made me cut up all of the toad hearts and the only thing he did was stand around pretending he was grabbing a snitch out of the air. It was so stupid."
Lily nodded. "He's been doing that a lot lately. Sometimes I wonder how he stays up on his broom with such a big head."
Severus laughed loudly, and had to draw a breath, coughing. "I really hate him," he said, in between fits of wheezing.
"Don't waste your energy on him, Severus. He's terrible—ah! Yes! Here's McGonagall! I'm so excited!" Lily did a little dance, and her breasts bounced. Severus tried not to stare but it was impossible. He gawked at them with his mouth hanging open. Luckily, Lily did not notice because McGonagall was launching into a lecture about appropriate behavior out in the community of Hogsmede, and how they needed to make certain that they acted right or else Hogwarts students were going to get a bad name. Severus pulled his eyes away from Lily's chest and tried to listen, but he just kept thinking about touching Lily. Finally, the students trooped after McGonagall. Severus made sure to walk behind Lily—he wanted to see how her bum looked in those tight trousers. His imagination did not fail him. Her bum looked great. He did a quick look-around and made sure no one was watching while he adjusted his trousers through his robes, trying desperately to think of something else so that his erection would go away.
Hogsmede was a quaint village that was bustling with Hogwarts students and older witches and wizards. It was teeming with shops and places of all sorts—restaurants, pubs, clothing stores, a robe store, an apothecary, an ice cream parlour, a gallery. Lily seemed interested in all of it, and was babbling happily about how glad she was to be there. The way she was acting was doing a good job of making Severus cheerful as well. It was hard not to be around her. It was one of the things he'd always appreciated. They opted to go into the apothecary, which was small and dingy and full of useful and interesting things. They oogled the expensive herbs and ingredients, wishing they had the money to spring for fancy things like dragon's blood or harpie talons to make complex potions. Lily admired a pure silver cauldron, while Severus was very keen on a set of finely made knives with carved handles that were serpent heads.
"Slytherin," said Lily teasingly. She ran her hand across a velvet carrying pouch that kept cold ingredients at the right temperature. "I'd like to own a place like this someday," she said thoughtfully, "with potion things in the bottom level and a bookstore on the top level. Mary thinks it would be a boring job, but I'd really like it."
"I'd like that too," said Severus at once. "I'd like a job where I could read all day if I wanted—"
"Me too," said Lily brightly. "Plus, you'd always have potions ingredients and you could experiment. My parents would think it was a weird thing for me to do but maybe they'd understand after awhile. They always wanted me to be a teacher but I wouldn't like that very much."
Severus made a disgusted face. "Neither would I. I don't like little kids."
"Do you want any?" Lily asked conversationally, touching a brass scale. "I really don't. I wouldn't want to stay at home all the time. I'd rather live alone."
"I guess I don't," Severus shrugged, picking up a mahogany stirring spoon and inspecting it. "But then maybe I do. If I did I wouldn't want to be like my Mum and Dad. I'd want to be a good parent." He reddened at the words, feeling like he'd spoken more than he'd wanted to about the subject. It was sort of a private opinion he'd always had. "Except, I kind of want to live alone, too."
Lily looked at him sympathetically and then smiled. "Hey," she said, "it would be neat if we opened a shop together. We could trade off between the book section and the potion section and we could decide how we want it to look, and where we'd want to open it—"
Severus nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! That'd be great!"
"I think it would be fun," said Lily. "We work really well together. I can't see how it would go badly. Besides, we're best friends."
"Yeah!" Severus said happily.
They chatted about the prospects of opening their own business together and strolled out of the shop, further exploring the town. The idea of working with Lily as grown-ups made Severus very happy—he was even happier that it was she who had suggested it. He imagined being able to work side by side with Lily every day in a place where he'd be surrounded by reading material and potions supplies. It sounded like heaven to him. It would be great to own a store he could live in, and escape Spinner's End. He imagined Lily living there, too. He wished they were older so they could get to it straight away.
Lucius and Narcissa strode out of the clothing boutique across the walkway, holding hands and both carrying large shopping bags. To Severus' annoyance, they seemed to be wearing matching white leather jackets.
"Ugh, I don't want to have to face Lucius," Lily said, which was perfect for Severus because he didn't want to see them either. They quickly ducked into an alley way and watched as the couple walked past. "They look like brother and sister," whispered Lily. "I don't know Narcissa hardly at all. Do they act the same, too?"
"Not at all," Severus replied. "She's quiet and he's sort of a loud mouth."
Lily laughed. "He is," she said. "I like her all right, though. I think she seems kind. And she's so pretty. Don't you think so, Severus?"
Severus nodded energetically and then felt embarrassed. "I guess," he put in quickly. "I mean, she's definitely not ugly." Neither are you, he thought, and then followed Lily down the alley, in pursuit of the Shrieking Shack.
"If I ever wear a matching jacket with my boyfriend, hex me, okay, Severus?" Lily asked.
"You have a boyfriend?" Severus asked quickly, staring at her, horrified.
"No," she said, raising her eyebrows. "I was kidding."
"OH!" he said, and forced a laugh. "OH, okay." Stupid, he told himself. You're being stupid. Just try to act cool. But he had no idea how to act cool! Damn it.
When they found the Shrieking Shack, Severus was a bit disappointed. Other students had the same idea. Two older Slytherin boys Severus had never spoken to at great length were leaning against the fence that surrounded the house, watching it and shoving each other. Gilderoy Lockhart and Astrid Greengrass were snogging on the opposite side. Severus pretended to be disturbed by this, even though he also very much wanted to watch to get some tips.
"What a prat!" he said, crossing his arms.
"Oh shush. Let's get closer," she said bravely.
"Gryffindor," he said darkly. Lily grinned. They ducked under a broken piece of fence, making certain the coast was clear. The Shrieking Shack was very old looking, but not particularly scary. It was the noises that were coming from inside that were creepy—almost like the house were sighing loudly. Severus went after Lily, who ducked down behind an old table that was sitting in the overgrown grass, weeds growing all around it and over it. As far as Severus could tell, no one had seen them and they were safely hidden away, the table acting as a bunker. The air was still and silent for a few minutes and then the house sighed again, a long and high pitched, whispery sound.
"Ooh!" Lily said, delighted. She shivered and settled back against the table, sitting crisscrossed. Severus settled back too and to his great delight, they were touching shoulders. "What do you think's in there?" Lily wanted to know, and she did not move.
Severus was trying hard not to breathe. He didn't want her to realize they were touching and scoot away. "Not sure," he said. "It could be filled with ghosts."
"Angry ghosts," said Lily happily. Severus grinned. He'd always liked that she shared his fascination in morbidity, reading her book on Azkaban convicts and telling him spooky facts and scary stories in their clearing. They sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the eerie sounds coming from the Shrieking Shack. "You were right about Belby," Lily said after a few minutes.
"What do you mean?" Severus asked instantly, turning to look at her so fast he jutted her with his elbow.
"Oh, sorry," she said. She moved over a bit and he sighed, disappointed with himself. "As soon as you left Slughorn's, he came and talked to me—"
"He what?" Severus demanded. "What did he say?"
He noticed that Lily looked a little flushed and she lowered her gaze to the ground, picking up a pebble and levitating it with her wand as she spoke. "He was nice at first, I mean, nothing bad happened. But then he asked me if I wanted some wine, and, well…I said I was thirteen, and he acted kind of weird and walked away—I felt like a little kid—"
"You didn't drink, did you?" Severus asked, looking at Lily pointedly, his attraction to her moving to the back of his mind. He'd thought Lily regarded alcohol the same way he did: awful. At least, he knew her parents had raised her to feel that way. He'd only seen the Evanses partake in wine once, in celebration of their anniversary. It was when Severus had first started coming over to Lily's when they were about nine years of age. It had shocked Severus that two adults drunk one glass of wine each, and then stopped. And nothing about their dispositions changed at all. It was the first time he'd realized that his home was different.
Lily shook her head, her long red hair moving gently around her face. "I didn't—I felt like I shouldn't. But then I wished I hadn't sounded like such a baby."
"I'm glad you didn't," Severus said, folding his arms across his chest and leaning back on the table. "Drinking makes people stupid. He shouldn't have tried to give you wine anyway. I don't like him. We're not old enough—"
"I know we're not, but I wanted to drink some. Mary thinks I should have taken it, she reckons it would be cool for me to have an older boyfriend," Lily went on, putting her wand down and letting the pebble drop into her lap.
"I don't think it would be cool at all," Severus burst out," I wouldn't want you getting drunk, it's not cool, Lily. Promise me you won't?"
Lily looked at him hard, and her voice was soft. "Sev, what's wrong? It seems like something's the matter—"
Severus sighed and hunched his shoulders forward, wringing his hands in his lap. "My dad's a drunk," he croaked finally, his ears turning red. "I never said anything because I hate it so much. But he's a drunk, and when he's home, he's always drinking and he gets really mean—he's mean anyway, but… when he drinks it's worse. Until he passes out. That's the part I like." He smiled grimly to himself, and then instantly frowned again. "I didn't want to ever have to tell anyone, but I'm telling you 'cause I don't want you to start drinking, I don't ever wanna drink—" his voice cracked and he stopped talking, focusing his gaze on the Shrieking Shack.
"Severus," Lily said, "I'm so sorry! I didn't know—"
"S'okay," Severus replied, feeling humiliated he'd said anything. But there was a feeling of release throughout his body as well; it felt good to get it off his chest instead of storing it inside. "I just… I hate it." He stuffed his hands in his robe pockets.
Lily seemed to be struggling with what to say, which made Severus feel awful. He didn't like making her feel bad, and he especially did not want her feeling sorry for him. She sighed and looked at him. "You never said anything," she said. "I feel like I don't know anything about your parents—but you've never said—"
"I want to keep it that way," Severus said, kicking up dirt with his boot.
"Yes, but, Severus… you can't just keep everything a secret. I won't tell anyone. You know that, right?"
Severus nodded slowly. "Thanks," he said.
"So your dad…" Lily trailed off uncomfortably. She settled back against the table, crossing her legs. "Your dad drinks a lot? What does your mother think?"
"She doesn't like it. But she doesn't do anything to stop it. She drinks too, but it's different. When she drinks, she gets quiet. She leaves me alone," Severus said, wondering why he was going on and on like this. But Lily did not seem to mind.
She watched him, but her gaze was not prying—she simply seemed interested and concerned. "How does your dad get when he drinks?"
"He says things to me and Mum," Severus replied, without really thinking. It was easy, telling Lily this, much easier than he ever thought it would be. "He calls her names, and he calls me names too. He hates magic because he didn't know Mum was a witch when they got together, so he goes on about that quite a lot. He calls her a liar and that kind of shit. And he hits her," Severus said quietly.
Lily's eyes widened a bit but she kept listening.
"Once he strangled her," Severus went on, remembering the scene and wincing. Dad gripping Mum's neck, while Severus cried in the corner…"I thought he was gonna kill her. I was really afraid… that was when I was six years old. It makes me so mad because Mum could use magic on him but she doesn't—she's too nice to him! He deserves to get hurt back… I hate him! Sometimes he goes away and I wish he'd never come home. This summer he went off again and I dunno if he's home. I want him to stay gone."
"He hits you, too, doesn't he," said Lily. It was not a question.
Severus nodded, looking up at the sky.
"I'm really sorry I didn't act nicer about it this summer when you had a black eye," Lily said quickly, her voice wavering a bit. "I was being foul, I—"
"You didn't know," Severus said. "It's not your fault, I just didn't wanna say anything, I didn't want to talk about it, I still don't—"
"Well, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Lily said, biting her lip. "But you know I'm here for you, Severus, right?"
Severus felt tears pulling behind his eyes. Talking about it so much was hurtful. It made it more real, and Lily was being so nice, and he could not cry right now, he just couldn't. He blinked and nodded, looking back to the ground.
"Right, Severus?" Lily pressed softly, and she hesitated for a moment before scooting over and taking his hand in hers, squeezing it gently.
Severus' insides twisted, but more than being aroused, he appreciated the tender gesture. It made him feel loads better—it was like they were little kids again. He nodded again, and without really thinking, he squeezed her hand back. It was smooth and small in contrast to his rough, blistered palms and long fingers.
They did not speak and they did not move; Lily's hand in Severus', both of them looking away from each other, focusing on the Shrieking Shack. A particularly loud groan came out of the Shack, sounding like a possessed demon. Lily scooted a bit closer, and gripped Severus' hand. Their legs were touching. After a few moments had passed, Severus slowly massaged her fingers with his own, feeling how smooth they were. His heart was pounding so hard it was as though it would jump out of his chest. He could hardly believe this was happening; it was almost too intense, too shocking, but he wasn't about to stop. They'd touched hands before, yes, and Lily had squeezed his hand on numerous occasions, but this was holding hands with a girl. Severus felt an erection coming on again, but it didn't bother him too much because he was holding her hand.
"Hey," Lily said quietly.
Severus dropped her hand instantly and stuck his back in his robes.
"Oh," said Lily, and he could not read her tone. "It's…er…," she said. "Wanna… wanna go get something to eat or some coffee or something?"
Severus nodded, his heartbeat still racing. "O-okay," he said.
Lily's insides were squirming and she was afraid she had done everything wrong—she told herself off internally for asking Severus so many questions about his home life, and for grabbing his hand, and for holding his hand,and then for ruining the hand-holding by talking! She had no idea what she was thinking about any of it. She hadn't meant to keep holding his hand; she'd only done it to be nice and show him that she cared—she hadn't thought he'd keep holding it, either, though. And then, not only had he held it, he'd run his fingers over it, which had given her such an intense feeling between her legs she'd absolutely hadto break the silence—but why had she broken the silence?
And why had she felt the way she had? She'd only felt like that a few times, and for odd reasons. And this was the weirdest of all! It was Severus, her friend with the crooked teeth and odd interests and ill-fitting clothes! Severus, who she'd seen touching his willy! Oh, this was too mortifying. Lily was frustrated with herself for all of it. She liked how good it had felt to hold his hand, but she was completely irritated that it was Severus when it could have been someone else. But then again, who else would it be? Belby? She blushed thinking about it. Then again, poor Severus. She hadn't known just how bad his father was. She'd known a few things, but this knowledge made her angry and sad. And helpless. Lily had too many thoughts spinning around in her head. She snapped out of her wild thinking to see Severus staring at her slack-jawed. He probably thought she was just as crazy as she felt. Her cheeks reddened.
"Right. So where do you want to go?" she asked awkwardly, trying to sound cheerful. Instead, she sounded forcefully manic.
Severus averted his gaze, sticking his hands deep down in his pockets. "Uh. I dunno. I've never been here before, so I have no clue."
"Me either!" she said, and laughed.
He stared at her. "Uh…" he said, looking at the ground.
"Let's just go, then," she said, and walked off ahead of him, back out into the lane. She heard him shuffling along behind her. Now they were stuck together, and there was nowhere to go. She could go to get Mary, but that would mean ditching Severus and that seemed like an awful thing to do when he'd just confessed that his father was an abusive drunk. She had to stick with him, and they'd just held hands. It was torturous. And to top it off, she wasn't so sure she had wanted to stop holding hands! That was the worst part. What was she thinking!
They both started walking toward the main part of town and to Lily's dismay, Sirius, James, Remus and Peter were heading their way.
"God damn it," said Severus, and Lily could not agree more. Unlike with Lucius and Narcissa, they were in plain sight and there was nowhere to hide.
James and Sirius had spotted them, and were pointing and laughing all ready.
Lily picked up her pace, hissing behind her, "Come on, Sev, hurry!" He complied and fell in step with her, the both of them practically running past the gaggle of boys.
"Hello!" greeted Remus pleasantly. Peter broke up laughing at the sight of them.
"Hey Snivelly!" yelled out Sirius as they passed, lifting up his arm and inhaling deeply and noisily. "Mmmmm! Smells fresh today!"
"Shut up!" Severus snarled, slowing down and pulling out his wand.
"Don't," Lily said, and pulled him by his robes.
"Ooooooh!" James called after them as they continued down the path.
Lily blushed deeply, letting go of Severus' robes at once. He looked at the ground and stuffed his wand back in his pocket. "You should've let me curse him!"
"You heard McGonagall," said Lily, "we could get banned from Hogsmede if we do things like that!"
"No," Severus said absent-mindedly. "I didn't hear her say that. Still… You should've let me."
Lily's heart was pumping, and Severus' arguing with her was making matters worse. She ignored him, trying to find a place they could go that would create a diversion—any place. The first shop that caught her eye was a café` that seemed to have more adult witches and wizards in it than Hogwarts students, and that was very appealing. Lily did not want to run into anymore of their school chums. She was afraid it was written all over their faces that they'd been holding hands. Without speaking, she went in the café and Severus followed her.
She breathed out a sigh of relief. "I'm really glad we're away from everyone," she said.
"Me too!" he said eagerly, and she blushed again.
"I meant that Potter and Black are annoying,," Lily explained.
"Me too…" he said, looking at her strangely.
"Oh!" she said quickly. "Let's order something. I can treat you—"
"I could treat you," he replied. "I told you, I've been getting money from tutoring—"
Oh no, Lily thought worriedly, he thinks it's a date."I forgot," she said. "So, let's pay for ourselves." Before he could protest, she charged up to the front counter and ordered coffee.
"Are you sure you want that?" Severus asked from behind her, so close that it reminded her of when they had practiced dueling. "It's kinda strong without anything in it—"
Her insides did cartwheels. "Yes! I want to try coffee!" she said frenziedly, paying the cashier and moving away from Severus. "I'm going to go find us a seat." She found a well-lit spot that was away from windows and surrounded by other people. Moments later, Severus headed toward her balancing two coffees and a carafe of cream. Instead of sitting across from her as she had planned, he sat right next to her, putting the drinks down. Lily turned bright red.
"I brought this just in case," he said, indicating the cream. Their knees bumped together, and Lily crossed her legs, scooting back from him. She took a sip of the coffee and instantly spat it out.
"Ugh!" she exclaimed. "It's awful!"
Severus grinned and then burst out laughing. "Told you," he said wryly, smiling with his tongue between the gap between his front two teeth. Lily couldn't help but smile back, even though she was embarrassed.
"I didn't know," she said, adding most of the cream to her cup of coffee, turning it into a taupe color. She added several spoonfuls of sugar from the bowl on the table.
"I like mine black," Severus told her, a bit cockily in her opinion. He grabbed his cup and drank from it quietly.
"Much better," Lily said after taking a sip. "So when have you had coffee?"
"I drink it at home sometimes," Severus said. "Our milk usually goes rotten quick so I'm used to it strong."
"Mother won't let me have it," Lily replied. "She says it's for grown-ups—" she trailed off, realizing they were having a conversation about coffee. It was terrible. Great. Now she'd gone and ruined their entire friendship by holding Severus' hand and they'd never be able to discuss anything intelligent again. Severus was silent again, which was both good and bad. Lily wished he would say something, anything.
He seemed to be thinking the same thing, because he started drumming his wand on the table. Small sparks kept flying out of it and bouncing across the table. "Oh hey," he said, "want to see something cool? Not as cool as the snake… but still."
"Yes," Lily nodded, relieved. Finally, things are getting normal.
Severus pulled up his sleeve, pointed his wand at his arm and muttered a spell. Thin cuts appeared across his arm from his wrist to his elbow, like paper cuts. Crimson blood sprang up out of the cuts and Severus smiled. "I made it up—" he began, but Lily cut him off, horrified.
"Severus!" she whispered loudly. "Why are you doing that! You're hurting yourself—"
"It doesn't hurt," he said back casually. Blood started dripping out of the cuts and dotting the table.
"SEVERUS!" Lily murmured, "People are going to see! Stop that!" She grabbed a napkin off the table and tossed it at him.
"Don't act so crazy," Severus replied, taking the napkin begrudgingly and wrapping it around his arm. Blood soaked through it. "It doesn't even hurt, it's just cool—"
"I don't think it's cool," Lily said. "Scarlet told me you were doing that in class and I defended you, but you're really—Severus, that's serious, you could get hurt! Why would you make a spell like that?"
"I made it all on my own," Severus said sulkily. "No one helped me. Lucius was impressed."
Lily figured it would be best for her not to comment on the fact that she thought he was stupid for cutting up his arm to impress Malfoy. She could go on and on about why listening to Malfoy was an abysmal idea but she was sure that would just irritate Severus even more. "Are you trying to keep up a bad boy Slytherin image?" Lily asked him, quoting what Andromeda Black had said about Severus at Slughorn's party.
Severus wiped his bloody arm on his trousers and stared at her. "Huh?"
"Nothing," said Lily.
Again, they sat in silence. Lily found herself glancing out of the corner of her eye at Severus' hand, the one closest to her that had not been covered in cuts. It was resting on the table. She imagined him grabbing her hand again and massaging her fingers like he'd done before. She got that feeling again, the feeling she could not explain. It felt good but it also made her feel kind of woozy. Something told her that she shouldn't tell anyone else about having this feeling—especially that she was having it while thinking about Severus Snape.
Desperately, Lily searched her mind for a subject to discuss, and she remembered their idea to open a shop together from earlier. She brought it up, and Severus seemed to be engaged enough to not seem annoyed. They talked about where they would want to have it—perhaps in King's Cross, though Severus argued a bit for Knockturn Alley. Lily had never been there, and Severus said he would take her. That caused yet another awkward silence because Lily was not quite sure what Severus taking her entailed. After they'd finished their coffees, they decided they'd better go home to work on their homework. When Severus bid her goodbye in the castle and he headed off toward the dormitories, Lily felt a little annoyed. After all, she'd thought they could work on their homework together. Lily watched Severus walk away quickly, his hands shoved in his pockets and his head down. She'd really done it now. She'd made everything way too complicated.
Lily headed up to the dorm room, feeling like doing homework less than anything in the world. She flopped back on her bed and stared at the top of the canopy, sighing loudly.
"Lily, is that you?" came Mary's voice from across the room. She sounded a bit like she'd been crying.
Don't say anything, Lily told herself, and headed to her friend's bed, opening the canopy. Mary was lying on her stomach, facing the end of the bed. Her eyes were puffy and her face was red.
"I hate boys," she said, wiping her hand on her sleeve.
Instantly, Lily's problems with Severus left her mind. "What's wrong?" she asked Mary gently, sitting at the edge of her bed.
"You can't tell anyone," Mary replied, wiping her face, "I feel like such an idiot." She sat up, running her hand through her black hair, smoothing out the curls. "Frank didn't ask me to Hogsmede because he likes me. He asked me to Hogsmede so he can get tips on how to ask girls out. He only likes me as a friend, Lil—I felt so stupid!"
Lily watched Mary in interest. She'd never seen her act this way. Usually, she had so much confidence. "Was he mean to you?" Lily asked.
"No," Mary sputtered, "Not at all. Frank's a really nice boy—he's just, he's stupid, you shouldn't ask someone out to talk to them about how to ask other girls out!"
"That is pretty bad," Lily said, and then paused. "But Mary… He probably didn't mean anything by it. He didn't know you liked him—"
"I don't really like him. But it would have been nice to go on a date," Mary said, drying her eyes on her sleeve.
"Oh Mary," Lily said with a small smile. "You worry too much—"
"It's easy for you to say, Lily—you've got boys all over you—"
Lily shook her head instantly, her face hot. "No, I don't—I told you about Belby, and I don't think Remus fancies me at all, he's just kind—"
Mary didn't look particularly convinced but she sniffled and surveyed Lily. "How was your time with Severus?" she asked, not masking a tone of disdain very well.
Lily looked away. "We just talked a lot. We decided we're going to open a shop together, a potion shop and bookstore." And we held hands, she thought. "Things didn't get bad at all besides…" We held hands and I've messed everything up, she thought. "Er… it was fine. It was fun." She hoped that Mary wouldn't detect the uncertainty in her voice.
Mary gave Lily a little look-over. "A shop with Severus Snape? Lily, you're mad. No offense, but sometimes you can be just as weird as Severus."
"Snape, you're back," Mulciber drawled, as Severus stomped into the dorm room, kicking off his boots. He flinched at the sight of his dorm mates talking in a cluster on the floor beside his bed. He'd been hoping he'd be alone. His owl, who he had finally named Poe, hooted cheerfully. He pet her and she nuzzled his fingers with her beak. He needed time to ponder. He'd held Lily's hand. He'd held her hand and then she'd acted more awkward than he'd ever seen her be in his entire life. It was difficult having her act just as awkward as him. Usually, she helped situations stop being awkward.
"I'm kind of busy," Severus said instantly, pulling off his robes, his tee-shirt riding up over his skinny stomach. "I have things to think about right now."
"Hi Severus!" cackled Rosier.
"Holy fuck!" Severus cursed, immediately pulling his shirt down and blushing. "What are you doing here? This is a boy's room!"
She grinned. "Do you ever clean your nightstand, Snape? It looks like things are growing there—"
"Well, yeah, because they are—I've got my project for Herbology," Severus snapped.
Rosier gave him a pitying look and leaned back into Avery, who was holding a magazine that they were all poring over.
Mulciber whispered something to the others, and then looked up. "So, Snape, why is it that Regulus Black, a second year, gets to hang around you and Lucius but every time we ask to duel you always pretend you don't know what we're talking about?"
Severus sat at the foot of his bed and pulled his socks off, picking some dirt out of his toenails. "Well… Regulus lets me practice my spells on him," he said lamely, "otherwise I wouldn't hang 'round him at all." The truth was, he was still worried about Lucius dropping him as a friend, and hated the idea of competing for Lucius' friendship. They'd had enough tribulations, what with the Lily scenario and Lucius finding out Severus had a father.
"Yes, but, you hang around Regulus a lot now, and you seem to be friends with him," Mulciber said bravely, looking slightly disgusted as he watched Severus flicking dirt from his toenails onto his bedspread. "What's wrong with us? We not dark enough for you?"
Avery, Rosier and Middleton snickered.
Severus' dark eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean? That's not it at all. Why'dya want to hang out with us anyway—"
"Obviously, you're good at the dark arts," Mulciber said, and his gaze was hungry. "You helping me with my essays doesn't really teach me anything, though. We're not learning enough."
"I only know what I know because I read a lot," Severus said, but he was pleased he had something they wanted. He tried not to let it show, but he was quickly leaning toward admitting them into he and Lucius' circle, if only to show off. "Maybe you should try reading sometime—"
"Don't be annoying," Rosier said, her shrill voice piercing Severus' eardrums. "It's not just that you read. You're good at it. We want you to teach us. We want to learn dueling, we want to learn how to be better at making curses—real lessons, notjust little stupid ones. I want to know what you know, Severus. You're really good at it—"
Middleton laughed. "Ha ha, Evan, sounds like you've got yourself a little crush—"
Rosier scowled, and Severus blanched, making an awful face. "As if," Rosier said, and punched Middleton in the knee cap. He grasped it, pouting. She looked at Mulciber for encouragement and he nodded. "We've got a deal for you, Snape. Let us hang around you and Lucius and we'll give you something—"
"We know you want to be our friend," said Avery.
"I don't need to have friends," Severus replied, but Avery was right in a sense. Severus did not want them messing up his relationship with Lucius, but being on better terms with them would certainly make his life even easier. Lately, they'd been less and less tolerant of Severus' odd ways, and had joined in on the Gryffindors' "Snivellus" jokes.
Rosier sighed. "Look, Snape, none of us really care if you like us—we know you don't like anyone much. But we want to know what you know, and we want to practice spells with you, and we'll give you this," she finished, and held up the magazine.
"So what?" Severus said. "What is it?"
Mulciber grinned. "We snuck into The Wand Shop—"
"What's the wand shop?" Severus snapped.
"It's a sex store for grown-ups," Rosier said importantly.
Severus frowned deeply at her, though he was intrigued.
-"And we picked something up, and you can have it if you let us hang around you this week," Mulciber continued, and then snatched the magazine from Rosier, tossing it at Severus. It landed in his lap.
Warcock Special Edition,was the title of the magazine. Below it was a moving photograph of a woman wearing only lingerie and writhing on a bed. Seven Tightening Spells in this Issue—She'll be Better Than Ever!
Severus' throat closed up a bit and he looked up at his dorm mates, who all were grinning.
"Porno," said Avery. "We lifted it. You're supposed to be at least seventeen—"
Curiously, Severus flipped it open. He was instantly overwhelmed. There were moving pictures of wizards and witches having sex in what looked to be highly impossible ways—upside down, on a broom—he flipped the page and there was a full segment of a man behind a woman, his fingers inside her, putting his enormous member in her behind. Severus had never seen anything like this. He swallowed hard and stared up at his peers, who were leering.
"Great, isn't it?" Avery asked. "It's yours if you let us come to dueling practice. Every week."
"And teach us that sectumsempra spell," Rosier added.
Mulciber's eyes bored into Snape's. "We want to learn everything. You've been holding out on us."
Severus looked down at the magazine, up at his peers and back at the magazine. "Bad deal for you. I was gonna ask you to hang out anyway," he lied, and stuck the magazine under his pillow.
Tik-tok, tik-tok, tik-tok, went Muruvi's watch. Lily tossed and turned in her bed, kicking the sheets off her and then pulling them back up. She was having a terrible time trying to sleep. She couldn't get the events of the day out of her mind. Severus had been so candid about his situation at home, and Lily wondered if that was why she'd gone and held his hand. It was so much better than his usual overly defensive way of acting. But still, she told herself, she shouldn't have held his hand. It was going to make matters very convoluted. It was all ready making her thoughts convoluted! She wondered if holding his hand meant she fancied him. No,she decidedly instantly, her insides writhing, no, Severus is not a boyfriend- type boy. She rolled over, thinking about it. She did find him appealingly smart and she knew that he thought she was smart, which she really liked. "You're the smartest person I know, besides me, of course," he'd said last summer after their failed Scrabble game. He was such a stubborn sore sport! Lily smiled to herself, but then, remembering what him touching himself in the clearing, she instantly quit smiling. She wondered what it was that made him want to touch himself like that; she wanted to ask him what he had been thinking a bout. She wondered what he thought about them holding hands. There was absolutely no way of knowing.
Lily settled back against her pillows and imagined Wendell Perkins, the rugged Quidditch player, doing the same thing Severus had done. She reddened and closed her eyes, mentally dressed and undressing Perkins as though he were a paper doll. She had thought about what snogging must be like earlier today when she and Severus had seen Gilderoy Lockhart making out with Astrid. She reckoned it must feel nice, otherwise people wouldn't do it. She thought about Wendell Perkins approaching her the way Belby had done at the Slug Club party, with an all-too confident swagger and an easy smile on his handsome face. Hello, Lily, he'd say and she'd cock her head to the side, smiling maturely, looking good in her clinging green dress. How'd you know my name? Lily would ask, her voice a calm purr. I've been waiting for the perfect moment to talk to you, he's say, putting his hand on her back the way Severus had done last spring, moving his palm slowly across her skin. She imagined that Wendell would slip his hands inside her shirt, slide them around so that he was touching her stomach. Lily shivered, pulling her blankets up over her. She was getting that sensation between her legs again, that good-feeling throbbing. Lily imagined that he'd run his hands up her middle and kiss the back of her neck while he was behind her, cup his hands over her breasts… She touched her chest pretending it was him doing it, her heart pounding. Wendell would pull her around and kiss her deeply on the mouth. Lily, he'd say to her, you are perfect. Would you like to go out on a date with me? Lily would smile coolly and give a small laugh. I'll think about it, she'd say and then she'd kiss him back.
Slowly, Lily moved her hand across her leg, feeling how smooth it was. She trailed the inside of her thigh with her fingers, her heart pounding faster in her chest. Lily imagined Wendell putting his arms around her and kissing her more deeply, pressing her up against the wall. She slowly inched her fingers inward, until they were resting on the front of her underpants. Biting her lip, she slipped her hand inside her pants, touching herself on the outer parts of her privates, trying to lose herself in her thoughts about kissing Wendell. She moved her fingers inside, sucking in her breath; she'd only rubbed herself on her mattress that one time awhile back, or touched herself only slightly through her pajama bottoms, nothing that had made her feel like this. She'd figured there had been nothing left to do, but tonight, tonight was different. She felt different. Lily explored herself slowly with her fingers, her thoughts of Wendell continuing but in the back of her mind. She moved her fingers in circles, sucking in breath. It didn't feel great exactly—just better than doing it through her clothes as she had before. She touched herself, images of kissing Wendell and Belby floating through her mind as she did so.
And then it happened. She came across a spot that made her breathing quicken, a spot that felt extremely good. Slightly apprehensive of how good it felt, she ceased in touching herself for a moment. Tik-tok,went Muruvi's watch, and she could hear Scarlet snoring, and her owl Atticus softly breathing on his perch. Nothing was moving. No one was awake. Lily continued moving her finger over the good spot, slowly and softly, and the throbbing became more and more intense. She felt like she couldn't do it enough—she had to keep going, she stroked more and more, faster and faster, her mind both focused on making herself feel good and delivering her more good images… Slug Club Party, close to Belby, drinking wine like an adult, pressed up against him, his mouth on my mouth, his mouth on my neck… She moaned slightly, pulling her pants fully off, her fingers trembling and her eyes tightly shut. She squeezed her legs together, moaning quietly. Someone in her dorm coughed and stirred in their bed.
Lily instantly pulled her fingers away and sat upright, her face feeling like it was burning. But then, there was silence. Lily, her face still pink, fell back on the mattress, smiling slightly. She felt as though she had just learned a very interesting secret, and it made her quite pleased.
Severus knew it was excessively careful of him, but he'd waited until his dorm mates were completely asleep and then he'd gone out of the dormitory to the restroom that was in the hallway just past the common room, where the students took their showers. He could have gone to the restroom on the floor below, near the dormitories, but he felt like he needed to be a way's away from everyone. He had slipped the magazine into his robes, and ran all the way up to the bathroom. Thankfully, it was unoccupied, but he locked the door just in case someone wanted to use it. The shower room was large and had a floor of grey and green marble, with several toilet stalls, shower stalls and a large communal bath in the centre of the floor, which Severus absolutely abhorred. The bath was for the blokes that liked to flaunt the way they looked. Severus was not keen on it at all. He entered a toilet stall, and sat down on the seat fully clothed, pulling out the magazine.
Today had been very extreme for Severus. First of all, he had gone out with Lily to Hogsmede all day, and he'd spilled one of his worst secrets to her, and he had felt good about that. Then,they'd decided they were going to work together as adults. And to top it off, they had held hands. Severus hadn't expected Lily to do that at all. If it wasn't a date, he wanted to at least pretend that it was. It seemed like a date, though! He wondered if she'd let him hold her hand again. Soon. He wondered if he even could. He had absolutely no idea of what to say to her about it, or how to act. He just knew he wanted to see her as soon as possible. Lily was the only person worth knowing, he decided. He wondered if she fancied him, too. Maybe, he thought. After all, she let him hold her hand! He'd all ready been made extremely excited by hanging out with her and had been looking forward to masturbating and letting go of some of the tension he had felt. And now, he had the magazine.
Severus opened it, looking at each page in great length. He'd seen Lucius and Bellatrix engaging in heavy petting, and he'd seen his dad having sex with his mum briefly, but when he thought of himself having sex, it was still a mystery. Here, though, it seemed very exhilarating and easy. For one, the girls were all scantily clad. Severus wondered how you could get a girl to take her clothes off to have sex with you, and exactly how you even got to the point of being able to have sex with her. He wished that there were magazines for people like him: people without a clue. He wondered if other blokes knew how to have sex and if he was just too removed out of reality to know anything. But the photographs distracted him from his cynical thoughts. He studied each one, rubbing his feet together a bit and hunching his shoulders, his hair falling in front of his face, his nose inches from the pages. He particularly liked a full-body nude picture of a woman sitting with her legs splayed out. He'd never seen a girl's parts up close like that before, the curving of her thigh, the light layer of pubic hair, her breasts pert, privates unfolded, that foreign place between her legs showing. Severus swallowed hard, feeling extremely turned on. Her eyes were alluring, and her hair feathered and teased. He flipped the page after pulling off his robes, now only wearing his pajama bottoms. The next page showed a man putting his penis in her, actual real sex, and Severus was almost more captivated by that than of the woman. This, he figured, could show him how it was done. He loved the way she looked, though, when he was doing it to her. She looked euphoric.
Severus spent the longest time on this page, watching the movement play out again and again and again, the couple having sex on a huge four-poster bed. They spent time snogging, and then the bloke flipped her over and kind of threw her down and went at her wildly. Severus wondered if he would be able to carry a girl, let alone throw her on the bed. He was rather skinny, a fact he'd really not thought about too hard until now. He put that out of his mind, as his erection grew to its full potential, sticking through the button flap in the front of his pajamas. Severus thought about how he'd feel were he in that scene; he'd did not care too much about the snogging right now, and watched greedily as the bloke put it in, the woman bucking her hips like mad, her behind in the air.
He closed his mouth and let a great deal of saliva well up and then spat in his hand, working the wetness over his member, breathless at how good it felt. He turned the page, and here was a girl at work putting her mouth over the same bloke's penis. Severus quickened the motion, grunting, he'd never really even thought about that happening—he squeezed hard with his hand, and worked it slow and tight. "Aaarrrghhh!" he groaned, and came right then. He slumped back against the wall and sighed. He needed to study this magazine as thoroughly as all his schoolbooks, he told himself studiously. It held a lot of useful information. He wondered what Lily would say if she saw it...