AN: Never in my time writing fanfiction have I updated a story weekly with 20 page-plus chapters. I am trying to stick with this goal (and of course failed last week…). I usually get really excited early on but then get discouraged when I don't get to the chapters I most want to write quick enough (the later, juicy creepy ones) so this time I've been writing it all at once, sporadically. I've got all of the later stuff planned out, and am very excited to share it. I am able to do this partly due to being an insomniac.
BUT... Please tell me if the long chapters are way too much. As I've said before, I can adjust. The goal is to be descriptive and thorough, but NOT to overwhelm the readers and take away from the story. There is going to be a lot more focus on individual moments now, rather than tons of little memories, since our lead characters are developing feelings for each other (yeah, that was NOT a spoiler… I hope, haha). Lyrics at the end of the chapter belong to Janis Joplin. Also, read Conqueror Worm's fic, The Absence. It is truly amazing and CW just ended the last chapter on a crazy cliffhanger... Ahhh!
Enjoy.
Chapter Nine: Winter
November and December of third year
"Boys get discovered as winter melts.
(Flowers competing for the sun.)"
...
He says
When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near,
You say that things change, my dear...
-TORI AMOS
"Lily? Lily? Hey. Lily?" asked a quiet voice.
Lily had been lost in a daydream about the Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson that day. Severus had gone to sit next to her, as usual, but then he'd made a funny face and gone off and sat next to Mulciber and Avery instead. To her annoyance, the three Slytherin boys spent the entire lesson whispering together and laughing. After class, he'd approached her at the same time James Potter had decided to engage her in a conversation about his upcoming Quidditch match that weekend. James was overly excited that he'd been told to train as a chaser, which he said meant he was well on his way to learning all the positions and becoming team captain. Severus had slunk away, looking irritated as usual. Lily had not spoken to Severus since last Saturday, though he had tried to get her attention. She'd had too much homework, and besides, she hadn't known what to say. She wondered if she should talk to him, or just let the whole thing blow over.
Lily snapped her head up, and realized that Remus Lupin was sitting next to her on the common room couch, looking worried. "Hi Remus," she greeted pleasantly, trying to refocus her attention. "I didn't see you there, I'm sorry! How long were you calling me?"
"Ages. But that's all right," he smiled shyly, brushing his shaggy brown bangs behind his ears. "What were you thinking about so hard?" he asked, looking in her lap at all of her assorted school assignments.
"Oh, just schoolwork," Lily lied, shuffling her books around. "I have no idea how I'll get that Defense Against the Dark Arts essay done for Friday! I only have two meters—"
"I haven't started, which is why I was trying to find you," Remus admitted, looking a bit discouraged. "This year's been sort of difficult for me so far. I can't seem to focus. I'm just lucky I have you as a Potions partner, I'd never get by otherwise—"
Lily blushed considerably, appreciating the compliment. She did not know if Remus was just being friendly or if this was further proof of Mary's theory, but either way, she liked it. "You don't need me," she said. "I keep telling you, you're a great student, even if you do miss class sometimes—"
"I do, though—I do need you. I'm rubbish at Potions and I was so far behind—I've told you how I love school and I love studying, I just don't quite have the knack for it, what with my..." He trailed off and then looked glum. "Health issues… Not like you and Snape," he said quickly. "I look at the notes you both take and I want to tear mine apart!"
"Come off it," Lily said. "You always talk down about yourself. You shouldn't! You're quite smart—"
"You're interesting, Lily," Remus said, smiling. Lily raised her eyebrows. "In a good way," he explained. "James and Sirius always tell me I should stop acting so boring and loosen up with them and you tell me you like me as a good student—"
"Potter and Black have odd ideas," Lily said stuffily. "I for one think they should start studying more—"
"Yeah, but that's just who they are. Besides, they get everything done anyway and have fair marks. I wish I was more like them," Remus said honestly, shrugging. He pulled out his essay for Shacklebolt's class, and began to make corrections, looking at Lily ever so often with questions. She helped him choose a more specific theme, and assisted him in fleshing out his ideas. He was not argumentative at all, and accepted her help willingly. They sat side by side and wrote quietly, something she and Severus did not often accomplish while studying— they often quarreled or complained together. She watched Remus as she never had before, surveying his features—the sandy brown hair, deep brown eyes and high cheekbones. He had a curious scar running from his eye to his left ear that must have happened recently; she had never noticed it until now. Remus was sort of plain, but he was nice-looking enough. Lily figured it wouldn't be so bad at all if he fancied her. "How did you like Hogsmede?" he asked, breaking the silence.
Lily put her quill down and shrugged, thinking. "It was all right," she said. "Severus was sort of having a hard day and I was worried about him." She hadn't really meant to say that aloud, but it was true. Beyond getting close with her friend, she'd been thinking a great deal about his father and his life at home. She regretted saying it aloud though, for she had a feeling Severus would not like Remus knowing he was 'having a hard day'. Severus could be so cruel to Lupin, and for no good reason either.
"That's too bad," said Remus quietly, focusing on his paper, where he was making an intricate drawing of a kappa for Care of Magical Creatures. "Is he feeling any better?"
"I don't know," Lily replied. "It's nice of you to ask, though, Remus—"
"I'd rather him be in a good mood," said Remus and then looked thoughtful. "Except, I haven't seen him happy much, so at least not too bad a mood," he clarified.
"He's happy sometimes," Lily said, feeling a little protective, "he's not always in a bad mood. Anyway, it's just the way he is. He's kind of funny, but he doesn't try to be. Other people may think he's being serious—I just think he's got a different sort of sense of humor—"
"I wasn't trying to be mean. Anyway, it's good you two get on so well," Remus continued. "So, are you going together?"
Lily's mouth dropped open at the question. Quiet Remus Lupinof all people, asking if she and Snape were dating! Was everyone at Hogwarts obsessed with it? "Wha-?" she sputtered. "N-no, of course not. Severus and I, we're friends—"
"I didn't mean to offend you." Now it was Remus' turn to look embarrassed. "I really was just making conversation—and you know, James and Sirius talk about a lot of things, and so, I guess, I just wondered if it was true, is all—"
"Well, it's not," Lily said roughly, her ears pink. "And you should tell James and Sirius to quit gossiping so much! Honestly, they're worse than my older sister—"
Remus was blinking rapidly, looking extremely nervous. Lily followed his gaze to their left. James and Sirius had apparently entered the portrait hole minutes ago, and Lily had been too wound up to notice.
"Do we gossip?" Sirius asked James in a mock-feminine voice, putting his hand on his hip and cocking his head to the side.
"Only about the juiciest details," James replied, grinning. "Evans, I didn't know you had a sister. Does she have anger problems like you do?"
"I do not have anger problems!" Lily snapped, gathering her things and standing up.
"Squawking at poor Moony," James went on. "What a sad sight!"
"Who?" Lily spat.
"James!" Remus protested, his quiet voice suddenly sounding weak in comparison to his loud-mouthed friends.
"Never trust a redhead girl, Remus," said James, laughing. "Fiery! Fierce!" Lily's face was very quickly becoming the same shade as her hair.
"So, you're only on a just-friends basis with Snape, then?" Sirius inquired, making like he was jotting notes down on an imaginary paper, tapping his lip in thought. "Any news of budding romance on the horizon for you and Snivellus? Any plans to have a romantic walk in the graveyard or to help him wash the grease out of his hair? Don't make us wait. You know we love to gossip." He fluttered his eyelashes and James grinned.
"Are you his appointed armpit checker?" James asked.
"SHUT UP!" Lily screamed at them, and hurled her History of Magic book at them, hitting Sirius firmly in the kneecap. "WE'RE ONLY FRIENDS! AND YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, BUT YOU AREN'T! YOU AREN'T FUNNY AT ALL!"
The entire common room fell silent for a few moments until James and Sirius looked at each other and burst out laughing. Lily's entire face turned bright red, and she charged through them toward the common room stairs.
Behind her, Sirius was saying, "Hey, everyone! It's Snivellily! It's Snivellily!" Lily ran up the stairs and slammed the door to the third year girls' dormitory.
In the darkness of her dorm room, Lily fumed, but her anger was laced with humiliation. She wondered if somehow, James and Sirius knew that she and Severus had held hands. This seemed improbable, unless Severus had told. She couldn't think why he would, unless he was mad at her about something. Even then, she figured his own embarrassment would outweigh any spite he had toward her. And she hadn't done anything to annoy him, beyond avoiding his company. But she didn't always have time to see him. This shouldn't be any different. James and Sirius were just stupid. Lily gathered up her books in her backpack, deciding to spend time in the library to get her mind back on track. She held in her breath as she walked out through the common room again, her face still flushed. James and Sirius were imitating the way she'd stormed out as she passed, and Remus was trying to tell them to be quiet. Lily threw their group a very angry stare.
In the library, Lily poured over the section in the back for defensive spells, needing a few good ones to describe in Defense Against the Dark Arts that week. Professor Shacklebolt was the best teacher they'd had on the subject, being that he was quite interactive and had a lot of assignments for his students to help them familiarize themselves with the spells they learned. Lily was flipping through a tattered old copy of Playing Keep Away : 1,000 Useful Spells to End Up on the Right End of Every Wrong Situation! when someone roughly tapped her shoulder.
"Hey," said a deep voice in her ear.
"AH!" Lily cried out, dropping the book to the floor and whipping around.
Severus was standing just centimeters away from her face, staring at her. "What an overreaction," he muttered. "I was just saying hello."
"Severus!" Lily whispered, "you grabbed me from behind, I had no idea who you were! It was kind of creepy—"
"I didn't grab you, and I'm not creepy," said Severus, furrowing his eyebrows and looking hurt. "Since when is saying hello creepy?" He grabbed the library book off the floor and shoved it at her. "That's not nearly as good as the newer version, except you won't find that one on the shelves. No doubt everyone will be checking it out this week," he commentated. "Of course, I've got better books that I actually own, you could just borrow one of them, some of them are rare, and—"
-"Severus," interrupted Lily, grinning. "Shut up."
"Okay," he said. "So, how have you been? I've been trying to talk to you, and you're always hanging around Potter—"
"Only that once," Lily said quickly and scowled. "And he is the foulest git I've ever met, save for Sirius. But at least Sirius is interesting, James is just… awful—"
Severus nodded rapidly, looking excited by her outburst. "They're all horrible, the lot of them. Pettigrew needs to be killed, he's so dumb. And Potter and Black think they're sospecial. You won't believe the things Regulus says about them—and Lupin makes up for what the others lack in brains, but he's completely weird, he's got something tricky going on with him—"
"Lupin is at least decent," Lily argued, putting the book back on the shelf. "And why do you think he's tricky? He's the least tricky of anyone. Don't be mad, but we just got through studying again. I helped him write his paper for Defense Against the Dark Arts. I'm going to borrow it from him later, and edit it tonight, and it was nice, and you'd probably like him if you tried—he's very kind—"
"NO!" Severus burst out, and then turned a strange, off-putting shade of greenish pink. "I mean, I know you're always on about how you think Lupin's great, but I'm telling you, he IS tricky! He's VERY tricky! Don't tell me you haven't seen all those scars he gets, and he only gets them every once in awhile…"
Lily narrowed her eyes. "I only noticed him having one scar, and I just saw it today!"
"Well, Ihad to work with him during History of Magic last year, YOU remember, and he had scars all over him. I never mentioned it because I've been trying to piece together all the little details and it's very interesting how many things are weird about him—"
"Severus," Lily sighed, "you make yourself bleed because you say it's cool. Wouldn't you say that's a bit weird?"
"NO," Severus shouted again. "THAT is research and IT IS DIFFERENT!"
Madame Pince strode into their aisle, looking enraged. "Severus Snape?" she asked, appearing shocked. "Why on earth are you shouting? I would have never, ever expected this.Keep up this shouting in the library, and you'll lose your all your privileges, if you shout like that, I really don't care who writes you a note for the Restricted Section, even if it is for class—"
Severus' eyes widened. "Anything but that! I'm sorry… Miss. I really didn't mean to—"
"Really," Pince huffed. "I thought better of you." She hustled away.
There were a few moments of silence during which Severus looked extremely remorseful. He did love the library, after all. Then he seemed to remember his anger. "Anyway," he whispered hotly, "Lupin's a big phony, he's probably not nice at all, he probably just wants to impress you—"
The combination of Severus' comical rage about someone as kind as Remus and the other boys' taunts from earlier was making Lily a bit overwhelmed. She watched Severus wordlessly for a few minutes as he droned on and on quietly, gesturing wildly, his face contorted into an expression of absolute disgust. This was one of those times when Lily wondered whether or not Severus might be a teeny bit mental.
"Can we drop this?" Lily asked suddenly, interrupting Severus' tirade. "I guess you and I will have to agree to disagree on Remus, but I'll try not to mention him when I'm around you. Deal?"
Severus nodded slowly, looking like he was sorry he had not convinced her properly. "I guess so," he said. And then he brightened up a bit. "Hey," he said, "let's leave the library and go somewhere more private? I've been wanting to show you something."
Something about Severus' tone made Lily flush, but she followed him, very hyperaware of how close he fell into step with her when he dropped back to match her stride.
They ended up in the dungeons, in an empty room that was across from Slughorn's office. It seemed like some sort of study hall, and Slytherin emblems lined the walls. When Severus locked the door behind them with a spell, Lily looked at him with uncertainty.
"What is it?" she asked, standing stationary in the middle of the room.
"Well, come here. You gotta see this," he said, sitting down at a table and rummaging through his bag.
Lily approached him tentatively, debating internally whether to sit beside him or across the table. She finally dropped into the seat next to Severus, wondering if perhaps she'd made the wrong choice. Their argument in the library had made her a little less anxious about their hand-holding of last weekend (after all, Severus seemed to be acting like himself) but now that they were alone for the first time since then, the similar feeling was filling Lily's insides.
He hesitated for a moment and then slid a book toward her. As she went to grab it, they touched hands for a moment, and Severus did not pull away. Lily instantly shifted her hand off of his, gave him a funny smile and said, "Can I see your book, please?"
Instantly, he pulled his hand off of it, looking away.What is he thinking?, she worried, he can't think we're going to hold hands all the time now, can he? Part of her still wanted to out of curiosity, but more so, she wanted to know what on earth Severus was doing. She'd never known him to be particularly touchy-feely. As a matter of fact, he grimaced when people shook his hand and he gave the coldest hugs she'd ever experienced—his skinny torso against hers with his waist pulled back, long-fingered hands patting her back as though counting the seconds he'd have to stay standing like that. So what was with him? He couldn't like her romantically. Nope. He was probably just testing to see if she'd hold his hand again, some sort of bizarre experiment. She tried to ignore him and stared at the book. Great Minds and Greater Minds was the title, and the cover was an illustration of a brain that was made up of many, many tiny pictures. Lily opened it, interested.
"Is this about reading minds?" she guessed, after reading the first page of the foreword and flipping through the chapter titles. "Oh wow, Severus, this book seems really interesting—"
Severus seemed to snap out of his awkward coma. "Yes, it is, and it's brilliant— although, it's very basic. And a lot of it has nothing to do with magic, of course, it's only an introduction. But it's got a lot of information about Legilimency and Occlumency."
At Lily's clueless expression, Severus smiled smugly. Lily was instantly eager to hear about what Severus was about to share; whenever he smiled that way, it meant that he had some very fascinating facts to deliver. She had seen the way other people reacted to this excitement Severus had about learning—by calling him a nerd.
She barely had to ask "What's Legilimency?" before Severus launched into a long-winded description of the subject, snatching back the book and using certain pages to help explain.
"So you think your mum's a Legilmens?" Lily asked, captivated by what Severus had told her. It seemed very useful, more useful than she thought simply 'reading minds' could be (and furthermore, Severus had told her that minds couldn't really be read,that people only explained it that way to be short-winded). According to Severus, one who was an Occlumens could shut themselves off completely from other peoples' penetration of their thoughts by making their mind blank, a process that only happened through severe concentration and diligence. Apparently, one also had to do a lot of self-searching to determine what memories had the most impact on them, and which they would rather be seen if their mind wasto be penetrated. On the other side, a Legilmens could get inside someone's head by piercing through their thoughts and picking apart snippets of what was in the person's mind. This could be applied for various reasons. The book listed that it was appropriate for determining when someone might be lying, or to bring about justice, but Lily could only focus on the fact that seeing someone else's thoughts would mean that she could see them being completely honest.
Severus gave a small shrug. "She could be. It sure seems like she is. I want to learn all I can through books first, but I'm sure I'll need practice eventually. I'm going to try and ask her about it over break, though I doubt she'll tell me, especially if Dad's around." He made eye contact with Lily and looked away, obviously remembering the secret he'd told her.
"You know, Sev," Lily said quietly, "if you have a hard time over break, just tell me and you can come over to my house."
"Your family doesn't really like me," Severus replied. "And anyway, I can deal with him. I have for years—"
"They like you well enough," Lily said. "And anyway, if they knew what was really going on they'd probably let you stay over all the time—"
Severus' head snapped up. "Don't," he said. "Don't tell them anything! I don't want them knowing. I don't want them thinking anything about me."
"Sev, they all ready know a little—my father used to see yours around town, he used to see him at the pub," Lily put in, before really thinking.
Severus shoved himself back from the table, grabbed his bookbag and stood up, folding his arms and then unfolding them. "I don't want to hear that! I don't want anyone knowing! No wonder they don't like me—"
"No, Severus! You don't understand, they felt really sorry for you—"
Severus' nose twitched. "That's worse than hating me! That's worse! Tell them not to feel sorry for me! I don't need them to!"
"Sometimes when people feel sorry for you, they care about you!" Lily said loudly. "So stop acting so crazy! Whatis going on with you? Are you mad at me?"
"Mad at you?" Severus' face changed dramatically. "Why would I be mad at you? I'm just… I dunno…I don't want to see my family, and break's soon. And I don't really like you hanging out with Lupin. Sorry, but I don't. And I wish you wouldn't. And, I don't know—I haven't really felt like myself lately."
Me either, thought Lily. "How have you felt?"
"Like my brain's been stolen," Severus replied, frowning solemnly, and Lily laughed because it was too accurate of a description not to. "What?"
"I've felt kind of the same," Lily replied. "I don't know what it is—" she swiveled around toward the table and stared. And stared.
There was a magazine where Severus' bookbag had been. It was a magazine called Warcock and there were half-naked women on the cover. Lily's eyes widened and she grabbed for it, interested. "What's this?" she asked. "I think it fell out of your bag just now—"
She'd never seen Severus move so fast. He zoomed to her side and grabbed the magazine out of her hands. "It's nothing—it's nothing—shit, how did it—Mulciber must've—argghhh," he trailed off, sounding like a dying animal.
"What's this have to do with Mulciber? Anyway, I want to see it, Severus, what are you keeping from me? Is that… is that an adultmagazine?" Severus' awkwardness was making her grin, and she reached for the magazine.
He held it above her head. "No, you can't see it," he said, and his voice went up an octave. "It's a mistake. I don't know—Rosier, Mulciber and Avery—bad, I don't know how, I shouldn't—anyway, you can't see it, because you're a girl."
Lily glared at Severus deeply. "Rosier's a girl," she said.
"Yes, but she's not a very good one," Severus said.
"Give it to me," Lily snapped, jumping up and grabbing it out of his hands. He gave her a reproachful look as she did a victory dance. "I've heard of these, some older boys in my house were talking about it, but I thought I'd have to wait to see a real, live one in person—"
"Don't looook," Severus whined, burying his face in his arm.
Lily cracked up laughing. "You're being a prat," she said, "I can handle it." She flipped open the magazine and gasped, as she was staring at a photograph of what appeared to be a man with a very large penis having sex with a girl whose boobs wouldn't stop bouncing around. "Oh…" she trailed off, sitting back down in the chair, feeling a little odd but like she couldn't look away.
Severus waited a few moments before dropping in beside her and burying his head in his robes. "Don't keep looking," he pleaded. "You won't like it—"
"If Rosier can handle it, I can," Lily said firmly, and all ready, the strange feeling was stirring in her privates. She wasn't sure if she liked the pictures an awful lot (there were many of naked women and frankly, the too-large penises on the men sort of disgusted her) but she was interested that Severus had it, and she felt she needed to look at it. "I've never seen such big breasts," she commented, surveying a nude of a black-haired women who was smiling. "And look, she's got such a huge arse!" She laughed loudly.
Severus groaned from somewhere inside his robes.
Lily ignored him, continuing to flip through. "Some of these pages are stuck together," she said, annoyed.
"I got…water on it," Severus said, his voice muffled.
"So why do you have this anyway, Sev? Do you like it?" Lily joked, and nudged him.
"Noit'sMulciber's," Severus said, all in one sentence. "I hate it."
"You mean you don't like this?" Lily asked teasingly, hitting him with the magazine, which was open to a picture of a nude girl.
Severus popped out of his robes, looking red-faced and disheveled. "No," he said, but there was a tone of uncertainty in his voice.
"You can tell me if you do," Lily went on, "or do you like this one better?" She turned to the next page. "I mean, what's the point of having this if you don't like it—"
"What are you trying to prove?" Severus questioned her tersely. "What if I said I did like it? Then what?"
"Then I wouldn't care," Lily said. "Except it is kind of funny."
"What's funny about it?" Severus asked through clenched teeth.
"I just wouldn't figure you having it, that's all. I rather thought you hated girls," Lily said jokingly. "Thought you hated everyone. You say so all the time."
"Don't be stupid," he said. "You're my best friend and I like you. And…" He seemed to be thinking deeply about something. Finally he said, "And I definitely like girls."
Lily regarded him with a newfound wonder. Severus, gawky and oddball Severus, had just admitted to being interested in girls. Besides older boys and outwardly nasty boys like Mulciber, Lily really hadn't heard any of them admit they were interested in the opposite sex. Somehow, the prolonged hand-holding, his extremely ridiculous outburst about Lupin and touching himself in the clearing made a lot more sense. It wasn't that she couldn't have worked it all out on her own; it was just that it was so uncharacteristic of Severus to admit it that it floored her. And the way she'd been touching herself lately (nearly every night, after everyone had gone to bed)… was that in any way different than what she'd seen him do? Maybe they were both just going a bit wonky.
"What?" he asked despairingly, in response to her silence.
"It's just… Well… You never liked girls before—"
Severus sneered at her. "I don't tell you everything, you know."
"So you like looking at this?" Lily went on, not sure of why she was so obsessed with it. "Which one do you like the best?"
"I couldn't really tell you," said Severus. "I wasn't looking at their faces."
Lily snorted and then raised her eyebrows at him. "Severus," she said.
"What? You asked! You asked and I answered," Severus told her quickly. "See if I ever answer you again." He seemed embarrassed but not quite as horrified as earlier. For one, he'd stopped hiding his face and was looking over her shoulder at the magazine.
"What do you like? Their boobs?" Lily went on, enjoying the reaction she was bringing out in her normally studious friend.
Severus thought about it and then nodded once, his eyes darting back and forth. "I like those, yes…"
Lily wanted to ask what was so great about them, but instead she just gave him a Look.
"What?" he snapped again. "Well, you haven't said anything! What do you like?"
"I've never looked at magazines like this before," Lily replied. "I'm not a pervert."
Severus' mouth dropped open. "That's rude—I'm not—"
"It was just a joke! I just… I mean, I like boys, if that's what you're asking. I might fancy having a boyfriend but not just anyone—"
"Oh? Like who?" he asked conversationally.
Lily watched him carefully but it did not seem like he was asking for his own sake. She thought about telling him the truth. Why not? Like he said, they were friends. "I don't really know… it's kind of embarrassing—"
"You just stole my porno magazine and looked at it front of me," said Severus dryly," I think you owe me something."
She laughed. "All right. I have sort of a crush on Wendell Perkins, the—" She was about to explain exactly who she meant, but Severus interrupted her.
"Perkins? Perkins?" he burst out. "He's a seventh year! You'd be mad to think you have a chance!"
Lily was a bit taken aback. "I never said I thought I had a chance, I—"
"What kind of seventeen year old goes for third years, anyway? That's way worse than Belby. Way, way worse," Severus went on, snatching up his magazine from the table. "And he's a big Quidditch star, he's probably really full of himself, either that or he hasn't got any brains—"
"You asked me who I liked, Severus!"
"Well, I didn't know you had crap taste," Severus said scornfully, folding his arms across his chest.
"Who do you like?" Lily demanded.
Severus shrugged. "Nobody," he said.
"Come on," Lily said, irritated, nudging him a little with her elbow. "You must like someone."
Severus muttered something that sounded an awful lot like he was cursing.
Lily nudged him harder. "Stop being a berk!" she exclaimed. "Just tell me!"
"I used to like Bellatrix Black, but she's gone now," said Severus. "And I mean, I like other people, but, uh…"
It was Lily's turn to cringe. "Bellatrix Black? You made fun of me for liking Perkins? Bellatrix is WAY older than us, and besides that, she's loony—Sirius is always talking about the kind of stuff she gets up to! Did you know she apparates in on people when they're on the toilet?"
"You shouldn't listen to Sirius Black. Thought you hated him," Severus said. "And anyway, I think she's good-looking. That's all."
"Yes, if you like that sort of thing—"
"What sort of thing is that?"
"My mother says that girls who show off their cleavage don't think they're worth anything," Lily recited without really thinking and Severus laughed at her.
"Your mum doesn't know what she's talking about," Severus said. "That's why I like Bellatrix."
Lily reddened, thinking of her own chest. "I think that's a totally stupid reason to like her. She's mean, Severus."
"I don't care. I'm mean, too," Severus replied.
"You're not so mean, though," Lily said.
"Whatever you say." He settled back in his chair, apparently less tense than before. "So, about last weekend—"
"What about it?" Lily asked loudly, snapping to attention. This was what she had been dreading. Talking about the thing.
Severus stared at her funny. "About what I told you… You didn't tell anyone about my dad, right?" he asked.
"Oh! No, no, of course not, Severus. I wouldn't do that," she replied.
"Good."
There was silence. Lily was relieved but also a bit disappointed. She didn't know exactly what she wanted. She was extremely torn between feeling embarrassed about holding hands and looking at porn with Severus, and wanting to do more of it. "Sev," she finally said quietly, "I want to look at that magazine some more."
"Not a pervert, are you?" he asked slyly.
"Shut up," she said, laughing, but blushing also. He flipped it open between them, and Lily looked through it again, more slowly this time, studying all of the moving pictures. She was aware of Severus at her side looking also, but he was being very quiet. Lily flipped it to the full-frontal nude of the black-haired girl and stared at it. Was this how girls were supposed to look?
Without really thinking, Lily turned the page and asked, "What about me, Severus? Do you think I'm…" She caught herself and instantly went pink. What's wrong with me? I almost asked him if he thinks I'm pretty. I must be insane! she thought wildly.
"What?" Severus asked.
"I don't know," she said quickly, "Nothing. I wasn't really thinking of anything." Her eyes shifted around.
"Do I think you're what?" asked Severus loudly, seemingly catching on to her awkwardness and trying to place what she was feeling.
Lily shook her head and smiled. "It's nothing," she replied. How could I be so stupid? Asking Severus? He's just about the last boy I should ask that of—it would be so awkward. Not to mention I don't want to know his answer. Well… I do, sort of. No, no, I absolutely do NOT want to know his answer! It would be embarrassing if he said no. Imagine that! But what if he said yes? Can you think someone's pretty and not fancy them? Severus' voice interrupted her panicked thoughts.
"I might fancy a girlfriend," he said, picking something out of his nails, "but I don't know how that works, really. Besides, I also think it's stupid and I hate how people act when they're boyfriend and girlfriend. All sappy." He cringed.
"Yeah, like Narcissa and Lucius in their matching jackets!" Lily burst out.
"Don't even talk about that!" Severus replied, grinning crookedly. "Still," he went on, "I want to know how it feels." He pointed to the photo in his magazine of the woman and man having intercourse and Lily was, yet again, impressed with his candor. It gave her hope. He was acting like her best friend, not a boy with any interest in her.
"I want to know, too. Mary has all ready tongue-kissed a boy," Lily said. "I can't believe it—"
"That's nothing. I saw Lucius sticking his fingers in Bellatrix's privates," Severus said matter-of-factly, his voice calm and slightly robotic as usual.
:Lily stared at him, fascinated. "What? When?"
"Er… well, it was first year—" Severus explained, hunching his shoulders uncomfortably and looking like he greatly regretted mentioning it.
"That's crazy!" Lily said, giggling nervously. "First year, you saw that? You should've told me. What was it like? What did they do?"
Severus' eyes darted back and forth and he crossed his arms. "There was a great lot of moaning. And he touched her boobs a lot and then she bit him—"
"She bit him?" Lily laughed.
"It's not funny," Severus said. "It looked interesting…"
"Interesting? Interesting?" Lily broke into laughter again, feeling like she was six years old instead of thirteen. "That's such a weird way to put it—"
"What?" Severus asked, looking pained. "It's not weird—I'm telling the truth! It did look interesting! What d'you know, anyway?"
Lily stuck her tongue out at him. "I know more than you think," she said, but she wasn't even convinced herself. Still, she had to act confident.
"Sure," said Severus sarcastically, and he narrowed his black eyes. "Bet you don't know anything. Bet I know more than you know." His tone was curt and teasing, and Lily noticed that he inadvertently ran his tongue across the bottom row of his uneven teeth. She looked down and felt slightly peculiar (heart beat quickening, knees wobbly). Her eyes fell on the photo of the two people having sex.
She wanted to know what Severus knew, everything he knew. But she did not know how to ask, or how to talk about it. She was afraid he was telling the truth, and that both intrigued and annoyed her. After all, it was Severus. He was not very nice-looking by normal standards. Mary still called him the ugliest boy in their year, but Lily figured that it had more to do with personality anyway. Still, he was mocked by other students for his patchy skin and long hair that was now going way past his shoulders. He had messed-up teeth and he did not understand fashion. But there was that strange, bookish confidence that popped out of him every once in awhile, and that deep, scolding voice, and the way he'd tell her off while smiling. The way he seemed to only favor her, while he was sour about everything else… And really, his eyes weren't so bad. His eyes were actually quite pretty. They reminded Lily of big, black pools of water. The abyss. And anyway, they were friends and Lily told herself right then that when you're friends with someone, you tend to see things others don't.
When they left the study room to go up for dinner, Lily made sure to walk close to Severus. But not too close.
"Crush them! Don't slice them!" shouted Severus, his black eyes feral, his teeth clenched in an ugly scowl. James Potter was messing up their entire Potions project, and he hadn't even seemed to care very much until Severus had started screaming at him.
James' buoyant grin had evaporated, and in its place was an anxious frown. His eyes were wide behind his glasses. "Why are you yelling so much?" James asked in a petulant snap, attempting to crush the dried beetles with his blade. He dropped his knife and beetle parts went everywhere.
"You're useless," Severus said meanly. "Completely and utterly useless. Get out of my way, Potter."
"Gladly," James replied, "I was wondering when you'd take over. You always do—you're stupid, you know? You think you're such a genius but by annoying you I can make you do all my work—"
"Shut up," Severus snapped, bending over and crushing the parts with his blade in such a perfected and methodical way that James sighed heavily. "I can hear you doing that," Severus said, "and really, I don't give a damn. I just want this potion to be done right—"
"Do you care about anything else?" James asked. At Snape's silence, he sighed again loudly. "What a sad life you lead."
Severus muttered a string of curse words to himself, flinging the beetle parts into his cauldron, which bubbled agreeably. "Grab that mouse," he snarled.
"A right bossy boots you are," James grunted, but did as he was told. Severus wrenched it out of his hands and James glared. "You really should cut your nails. They're bloody sharp."
"I don't care about your opinion," Severus said, placing the stiff mouse on the cutting board and grabbing his knife.
"Well, they're disgusting, they've got dirt in them," James said. "You're using the gloves, right?"
"I'm not listening to you," Severus said, slicing the dead mouse's head and taking out its small brain carefully with his bare hands, squeezing it over the cauldron so that the juices ran out first and then he diced the whole thing up.
"You're going to wash your hands though, right?" James asked. After another moment of tense silence, he said loudly to himself, "Didn't think so!" To Severus' delight, James' voice cracked, leaving its high tone and going into a deep register.
He sniggered darkly. "Nice voice, Potter."
"What are you making fun of me for?" asked James. "You sounded like my dad when we were all like, five years old! It's hilarious!"
"Five years old? I never even knew you when I was five!" Severus scoffed.
James rolled his eyes. "Can you ever take a joke?"
"Stir carefully for ten minutes without…" muttered Severus to himself. "Potter! Stir that cauldron! Now!"
"I thought you were doing this on your own because I'm useless."
"Yes, well, I don't have four hands!"
James began stirring quickly, slopping potion over the side of the cauldron.
"YOU IDIOT!" screamed Severus, and grabbed the stirrer from James' hand. The classroom went silent, as all of the students turned to watch the drama at their station.
James looked around. "See this abuse?" he asked. "Do you all see this?" The other students laughed, besides Lily, who looked to Severus like she was just as annoyed as he was. Severus wondered how she and Lupin's potion was going. Probably perfectly. Severus clenched his teeth hard and ground them, feeling like he was going insane. Slughorn had given him a talking-to during which he'd told Severus that his aptitude for his studies was great but he needed an attitude adjustment. Severus had glared at him the entire time, because obviously Slughorn didn't see what a prat James Potter was. How anyone could work with him, Severus did not know. He whipped their potion around, seething with hatred.
"Is everything going all right?" asked a pleasant voice.
It was Lily. Severus dropped the stirrer into the cauldron and cursed. He had to use his wand to levitate it out. Things with Lily had been getting different since they had held hands. Severus could hardly stop thinking about touching her, but he also just wanted to be her friend. And then, she'd seen his porn by mistake. That had been mortifying, but also kind of nice. They'd looked at it together, which had later completely aroused Severus when he thought about it. He liked how interested in sex Lily was. It made him feel less mad.
"Good going," James said sarcastically. "Evans! Do you think you can stay here? Snape and I, we're sort of going through a rough patch right now… I'm afraid he's going to kill me—"
"No, he won't," Lily said, giving a little laugh but looking between them uncomfortably.
"I actually might," said Severus, turning around quickly. How could she laugh at James' joke? Or, maybe she wasn't laughing at him at all. Severus hoped not. Lily had her bangs pulled back today. He liked it. He could see her eyes better that way.
"See?" James said, raising his eyebrows. "At least he's honest with me—"
"Both of you need to shut it," Lily said. "Everyone's been watching you all period. You're both being very obnoxious."
Severus searched her face to see what she was thinking. "Me? Shut it? I didn't do anything, he's being—"
"You've been yelling at me!" James pouted. "You're going to give me low self esteem—"
Severus ignored James, and focused on Lily. "How're things over there with Lupin?" He tried to ask in a neutral way, but it came off all wrong.
Lily frowned at him, which he supposed he deserved since she'd at least agreed not to mention Remus around him. But Severus couldn't help but want to know. "Things are going just fine—"
"With how often he's ill, I'd think you'd be more behind," Severus burst out.
James' reaction was strange. He turned from Lily to Severus in an instant and asked, "What are you talking about, Snape?"
Severus crossed his arms. "What am I talking about? I'm not blind. Lupin misses class, and if I were Lily, I'd be really annoyed—"
"He gets sick, Sev, stop acting like this," Lily put in. "I'm not annoyed—"
James glowered at Severus. "Mind your own business," he snapped. "There's nothing going on with Lupin—"
"What's his sickness, then?" Severus asked, curious as to why James was reacting so strongly.
"Why do you care?" James asked. "That's none of your business," he repeated.
"So he does have a sickness," said Severus, grinning a bit evilly.
James looked away and muttered to himself.
"Severus, don't," Lily said.
"All right, but I think it's very suspicious," Severus said.
"You're very suspicious," James retorted.
"Have fun. I'm getting out of here," Lily said, giving them both a Look.
"No, Evans, stay!" James said.
"Don't tell her what to do," Severus asserted.
James and Severus turned around to find that their potion had bubbled over onto their desk, and was dripping steaming green liquid all over the floor. They spent the rest of the class screaming at each other over whose fault it had been.
Severus gathered up his things at the end of class shaking with so much rage that he dropped all of his flasks and had to fix them with a charm. He cursed himself and stuffed them into his bag. Everyone had left the classroom, besides that stupid Lupinwho was talking privately to Slughorn on the other side of the room. Severus walked down the centre aisle, slowing down slightly when he passed Lupin and Lily's desk. Lupin's belongings were still spread out on the table, and Severus, being careful not to look obvious, skimmed over them. His annoying, well-made drawings and neat handwriting nearly drove Severus into madness. Sitting out in plain sight was Lupin's Defense Against the Dark Arts essay, the one Lily had said she'd helped him on. Severus figured she'd written the whole thing, since from glancing over it, it looked pretty decent. Slughorn and Remus were still deep in conversation.
Severus pulled out his wand and whispered a hex he'd learned from Avery that week. He watched as some of the letters on the paper floated around, mixing themselves up, and as others grew enormous ink blots, making them unrecognizable as words. The spelling was suddenly horrendous, and the paper shortened itself, making it end abruptly on only the third section.
See if you go asking Lily for help ever again, you freak ,Severus thought.
"I just don't know how it happened," Lily was saying to Severus later that week. "I worked so hard on editing his paper, and the whole thing was completely wonky. It was like someone ruined it. But I don't know how they could've!"
"What do you mean?" Severus asked innocently from behind Great Minds and Greater Minds.He had a pleasant feeling of accomplishment inside. After DADA that day, Shacklebolt had apparently kept Remus aside and had given him a telling-off for turning in such a shabby paper.
Lily went on to explain how the entire paper had been altered. She was quite upset.
Severus chose his words very carefully. "What does Remus think?" he asked.
"Well, he thinks somehow, someone got a hold of it or something, but I just don't know who would be that foul." She folded her arms angrily. "Honestly."
"Yeah, that's horrible. But… Maybe he'll stop asking you for so much help and start doing his own work?" asked Severus, trying to sound tentative. Lily looked at him strangely. "I mean, maybe," Severus said quickly and then changed the subject.
It had been an invigorating dueling practice. Mulciber had given Severus lock-jaw, Severus had cut open Avery's throat, Rosier had made Mulciber's mouth dribble pus, Regulus had attempted to set Lucius' hair to fire but Lucius had set him on fire instead. Once everyone had more or less been healed, they sat around the common room, asking Lucius questions about his seventh year classes and exchanging more curses. They'd been hanging out like this for two weeks now, and it had been peculiar. Severus did not speak to Mulciber, Avery or Rosier much in class, but during these sessions, it almost felt like they were friends. Severus figured they wouldn't say anything against him in front of Lucius, and that was working in his favor. He could see the impressed looks in their eyes whenever he performed a curse they found to be intermediate. And Regulus, though annoying, praised Severus so much that it made him feel quite smug. Lucius seemed to like the lot of them, but he still only hung out with Severus one-on-one.
"My father is trying to get a law passed by the Ministry to stop the acceptance of Halfbreeds into Hogwarts. And thatincludes staff," Lucius was saying, settled back in the leather chair by the fire, smirking. Narcissa had joined them, sitting on the floor in front of Lucius, leaning back and resting herself on his legs.
Severus was worried for a second that Lucius had such Halfbloods,until Rosier spoke.
"Good," she said, "perhaps that would make it so that oaf Hagrid could never come back again!" She did a fairly accurate impersonation of the gamekeeper's stupid, eager way of speaking. "'Ello, Sly-thar-ins! Lovely day, innit! Come by to view me cabbages?'"
The group broke out into loud laughter, while Severus listened.
"Hagrid's a halfbreed?" asked Mulciber, his eyes lighting up.
Lucius sneered. "How else can you explain his height? He's certainly not all human. The man's hiding something. And that tiresome prat is only employed here because Dumbledore's a loony. My father's good friend Tom Riddle told me that. And if he works here, just imagined who they admit."
"What do you mean?" asked Severus quickly.
Narcissa smoothed her robes. "You know. Anyone who is half-monster, or half-creature, or some other repulsive thing. Vampires, giants, werewolves. It is unsafe for them to come to Hogwarts with normal witches and wizards, but Dumbledore has spoken publicly about how he accepts everyone. I find it disturbing. The lot of them should be imprisoned."
"Or slaughtered," Lucius added, kissing the top of Narcissa's head.
Narcissa nodded. "You know, all halfbreeds say they didn't mean to get bitten, or infected, but it's not true ninety percent of the time. Most of them practically beg to get bitten. It makes them feel special, like they're different. Of course, some of them are born into it, but they should all just do themselves in for the greater good."
"How can you tell if someone's a halfbreed?" Severus asked.
"It's obvious if you know what you're talking about," Lucius said. "Take that project you had on werewolves for example, Severus. I am certain that if you applied the knowledge you gained from doing that presentation, you'd find at least a dozen werewolves in your year alone."
"And Dumbledore has no issue pitting normal people against them," Narcissa added. "It is as though he thinks they are our equals."
"If I find out that there's a halfbreed in our year, I'll make their life a living hell and then get them expelled," said Mulciber haughtily.
"I'll help," Avery declared.
Regulus was sucking his thumb, looking horrified. "Vampires?" he whimpered. Severus nudged him hard and told him to quit it.
The conversation moved on to who they all liked and disliked in their classes. There were a lot more people that they all disliked, something Severus could relate to. All the third years abhorred Peter Pettigrew, who was Avery's Potions partner. Pettigrew asked stupid questions, and seemed to be a huge fan of every stupid thing that Potter did.
Severus went on a tirade about Potter, and rather than making fun of his intensity, Mulciber, Avery and Rosier listened and agreed. Severus explained how much he hated Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin, and told the group how he'd ruined Lupin's report (though he did not say why). They all seemed extremely amused and impressed.
"Lupin," snickered Rosier, "What a pathetic goody-goody."
"Gryffindors are so show-offy," Narcissa put in. "It's not only your year."
"And they're mean," Regulus said.
Narcissa looked sad. "I'm sorry, Regulus. You should let Lucius and I know if anyone's targeting you. Lucius can use his Head Boy power."
"Don't tempt me," Lucius grinned.
Severus tried hard not to physically recoil. Lucius and Narcissa had been acting a lot more infuriating lately since they'd officially become "a couple". They had suddenly become very in sync with all of their opinions, and liked to voice them quite often. Severus had never heard Narcissa speak so often. She was very smart, but quite as hoity as Lucius.
"I hate that big mouth Mary MacDonald," said Mulciber. "I've been trying to think of a good way to make her close her fat mouth—"
Rosier rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but you secretly fancy her. I see you trying to catch a glimpse of her bum every day," she said.
"No, I don't," Mulciber said, sitting up straighter. "She's awful."
"I hope you don't fancy her," Severus said. "She's the most annoying girl in school—"
"I do not think it wise for some people to judge who others fancy," Lucius said, sending Severus a long stare with his piercing eyes.
The others looked at them confusedly, but it definitely shut Severus up. It was the only time Lucius had mentioned Severus' crush on Lily since he'd slipped up and spilled it.
"Well, I don't fancy anyone," Severus said quickly, giving Lucius a pointed look that he hoped was convincing.
Lucius smiled back and nodded once.
"Lily, you look beautiful. I mean, really, really good. I just can't believe you're going with Snape. You're wasting your cuteness," Mary said loudly, and pretended to choke herself.
"We're not going together," Lily said quickly. "Not as a couple. We're walking together to the party."
"Yes, Mary, Lily's only told you a thousand times," Muruvi said.
"Still, people will see you together and think things. You're very brave. I don't think I'd be able to put up with it if people thought Severus Snape and I were an item—"
"No one thinks we're an item," Lily responded, glancing in the mirror. She had to say, Mary was right. She did look nice. Muruvi had given her a sleek hair style this time, straight and pulled away from her face, and she was wearing the new green dress robes she had picked up in Hogsmede. It was Slughorn's Christmas ball, "the last hurrah before break", as Slughorn himself had put it. Lily was slightly surprised Severus had been invited at all, what with his insane behavior toward James Potter that quarter. Potter was annoying, but in Lily's opinion, Severus was taking it a bit too far with the way he was acting. Slughorn had insinuated to Lily that she should encourage Severus to start being nicer, which was hopeless. Severus was Severus, after all.
Muruvi continued to touch up Lily's hair while the other girls bantered.
"Lily, you spend far too much time with him, but that's just my opinion," Mary said.
"That's always been your opinion, Mary. And I don't want to talk about it right now," Lily said quickly. Mary had been pressing her to know why she'd suddenly been hanging out with Snape again so frequently and Lily had no idea where to begin.
There was a scream in the hallway. Two words were distinguishable: "SLYTHERIN! BOY!"
The girls ran to their door and Mary flung it open. Sure enough, Severus was standing awkwardly in the hallway, looking irritated as a gaggle of first year girls were pointing at him and jumping up and down frightfully.
"I gave him the password," Lily explained. "What?" she snapped, as Mary raised her eyebrows. "It's okay, get out of here!" she told the first years. Lily surveyed Severus as the group of girls went back to their dorm. He looked about the same as he did at the last party, wearing Lucius' old robes with his hair pulled back. He was staring at the group of them as though he were a mole that had left its underground layer, squinting and blinking his eyes.
"Hi Lily," he said finally.
She grinned despite herself. "Hey Severus."
"Well, thanks a lot, Snape," Mary said noisily. "Hello to you too!"
Severus glared at her. "HELLO," he said rudely. There was a pause. "Your common room is very red," he said to Lily.
Mary broke up laughing. "Of course it is! Our house colors are red and gold!"
"But I mean, it's so bright!" Severus said, irritated.
Muruvi stared at him. "Why have you done your hair like that?" she asked. "I think it's better if you leave it the way it usually is."
"Yes, you can't see as much of his face that way," Mary agreed and Lily pushed her. "Kidding," she said.
Without asking, Muruvi pulled the band out of Severus' hair and let it out, and charmed it so that it looked a bit more cared for. It didn't do much, but it looked less silly which Lily was grateful for. Severus looked slightly mortified as Mary and Muruvi pushed him into the Gryffindor girls' bathroom to inspect himself in the mirror.
"I can teach you that spell if you'd like," Muruvi said nicely. Severus said nothing. Lily was in between being embarrassed and laughing at all of them.
Scarlet popped her head in. "Ohhh!" she said. "Lily, you look amazing! And Snape, you look better than usual! Which is a compliment," she added as an afterthought.
"I think you both look nice," Muruvi said.
Mary inspected them, narrowing her eyes. "Not bad," she said. "All right, have fun, LILY, tell me allllllll about it when you get back, okay? All right! Muah! Muah! Kisses!" she screamed.
As Severus and Lily went through the portrait hole, he gave her a fearful expression. But she could tell that he was hiding a smirk.
"Everyone's always on about my hair. I don't care about my hair," he said.
"I don't really care about it too much either," Lily said. "If you like it, then why care what other people say?"
Severus nodded. "See? This is why I like you."
Lily blushed deeply and changed the subject, making sure to put some more space between herself and Severus.
The party was on the second floor this time, in the music room alongside Professor Zabini's office. Lily had never been in there before, but it was beautiful, and filled with charmed instruments. The pianos were playing Christmas carols, and there was a load of good food. Lily was glad to see Severus acting less strange, and actually taking a plate this time. However, he kept scanning the room and did not seem to be listening to her when she spoke to him.
"Severus, what is wrong?" Lily demanded finally, after he'd completely ignored a story she told about Xing and Alice's toads mating and leaving spawn in the Gryffindors' bath.
"I think Lucius is going to be here," Severus explained quietly, "so I'm keeping an eye out for you."
Lily gave him an odd look. "For me? Why for me?"
Severus looked down, blanching a bit. "Because I know you don't like him."
"Severus, are you lying right now? What's really wrong?"
"No, I'm not lying," Severus snapped, but he did not quite meet her eyes. He was being very odd but Lily left him alone about it. It wasn't worth getting into another embarrassing row. They'd definitely never be invited back to a Slug Club event if that happened again!
Lucius did show up later, with the gorgeous Narcissa in tow. Despite feeling pretty, Lily was envious of Narcissa's slender, straight form, her long, platinum hair that fell down her back and her petite breasts. Narcissa looked like one of the models in Petunia's magazines. Lily fingered her red straight hair, feeling like a little girl in comparison. Narcissa was only one year ahead of them, and yet she looked so extravagant. She and Lucius complimented each other so well that Lily could hardly help but stare, despite deploring Lucius with a passion. They whispered in each others' ears, held hands and smiled like they both knew a very interesting secret. Lily wondered how it must feel to have someone who made you feel that way.
"Ah, Severus," said Lucius pleasantly, coming toward them.
Severus turned away from the snack table, immediately looking stiff. "Oh, hello," he said quietly.
"Hi Narcissa," Lily said, snubbing Lucius on purpose.
Narcissa raised a pale eyebrow. "Hello," she said softly.
"You know that Mudblood?" Lucius asked in a harsh whisper, making sure Slughorn could not hear. Lily glared.
"Lucius," Narcissa said, squeezing his arm, "this is not the time."
"Don't tell me—"
"I'm not telling you anything," Narcissa went on. "But there are other people around."
"You're right," Lucius replied. "Severus? Are you coming?"
Severus looked between Lucius and Lily. "I'm trying to get some food," he said loudly.
"Well, when you get some…" Lucius trailed off, raising his eyebrows and giving Severus a look-over.
Andromeda made her way through the crowd just then. "Narcissa, I thought you'd be here. I know how much you love to show off the fact that you were the only one Father let take ballroom dancing lessons."
"You had no interest, and Bellatrix was too busy… doing other things," Narcissa replied coldly, giving her sister a polite nod.
"Yes, Bellatrix was too busy doing strip-teases for your dollies at the age of thirteen," Andromeda said, laughing.
"Andromeda," Narcissa whispered. "We have the family name to hold up, and we are in mixed company right now—" She indicated Lily.
"What? Because she's Muggle-born she can't hear our family secrets? Not that what I just said was a secret—"
"We understand you are different, Andromeda. But Narcissa and I are more careful about shaming our families," Lucius said delicately.
"Lucius, it's a Christmas ball, and not even you can put me in a foul mood today," Andromeda said. "I'm here with Ted—" She indicated a pleasant looking boy who waved awkwardly from across the room.
"Andy, don't," Narcissa pleaded. "Just keep it to yourself."
Severus and Lily exchanged a glance.
"I won't keep it to myself. I'm dating a Muggle-born. Who cares? " Andromeda said loudly.
"You're kidding?" Lucius said. "For Salazar's sake, keep that to yourself."
"Don't tell me what to do, Lucius. I'm happy for once, and when I tell Mother and Father, they'll probably disown me and then I'll be even happier. So don't tell me to keep it to myself, you two-headed monster. Honestly, do the two of you even have separate thoughts anymore?"
Narcissa and Lucius glared and Andromeda laughed, skipping back to the so-named Ted. It was the most jubilant Lily had ever seen her.
"I'm feeling a bit ill," Narcissa said.
"I was going to say the same thing," Lucius said. "Let's leave."
Lily and Severus watched in awe as the haughty silver-haired couple snatched each others' hands and sped out of the room.
Lily laughed. "Guess their feelings got hurt."
"Andromeda could have been nicer about it," Severus said.
"You're joking. Lucius deserved it. Andromeda seems happy. I hope her family doesn't disown her. But I don't want to argue," Lily told him, grabbing a small meat pie and taking a bite.
Severus seemed to be thinking, and finally asked, "What did she mean, ballroom dancing lessons? "
"It's a winter dance, Severus," Lily said. "What did you think? It's called the winter ball."
"How am I supposed to know that's what a ball is? I don't dance," said Severus.
"What?" Lily snickered. "What do you mean, you don't dance?" He had to be joking. She couldn't believe it. The one boy she knew, her friend, and he wasn't even going to dance. Lily had not considered this prospect, though she didn't really know what she was expecting.
"I mean what I said. I don't dance. I hate it," Severus said.
"You can't hate it if you've never done it. Come off it. You'll dance."
"No," Severus said firmly. "I won't."
"I want to dance," Lily said. "You won't even dance with me?"
Severus shook his head. "No way. I won't dance with anyone, it's nothing personal."
"Severus!" Lily exclaimed. "I want to dance!"
"So dance by yourself," Severus told her.
Lily glowered, her green eyes flashing. "I got all dressed up for this thing, and you won't even dance!"
"You look nice," Severus told her, "but I don't dance. Don't look at me like that."
Lily looked around the room at the available boys. Belby wouldn't do—he'd completely avoided looking at her all evening. Besides, that would be too embarrassing. Jordan was nice-looking but he was there with Yuko Kimura. Lily wished Wendell Perkins was there. She wondered if he'd dance with her. She blushed at the thought of it. He'd scored loads of goals that day at the meet, and she'd almost made her throat raw from screaming. James had given her a telling-off for cheering too much for Ravenclaw. She snapped back to reality. There was no Wendell Perkins, there was only a desolate-looking Severus staring at her.
"Sorry that I don't dance," he said.
"It's fine," Lily said tersely. "I'm getting some trifle. Save me a spot."
She and Severus spent the beginning of the evening with their arms crossed. They hardly spoke for awhile, watching as other people mingled and danced. Lily was annoyed, but she did not say much to him about it, figuring there wasn't much to say. If he didn't dance, he didn't dance. She should have figured as much.
"Hey," Severus finally said, nudging her. "I really didn't know it was a dance."
"I know," Lily said, trying to hide the crossness in her voice. She'd decided by that point that dancing with him would be a bad, complicated idea anyway. Still... it might solve some questions in her head.
"You're mad at me," Severus said.
Lily shook her head, focused on watching Jordan and Kimura dancing. "No, I'm not mad."
"Good," he said. "I hate it when you're mad at me. What're you doing for break anyway?"
Lily shrugged. "I don't know. Probably visiting people in London, and then nothing. Why?"
"I dunno. Just wondering. I'll probably be bored as hell," Severus said. "Do you… Do you think I could get a ride with you to my house? I didn't even bother sending Poe. I know my mum either won't get the message or won't care and I'll be stranded at King's Cross either way."
Lily took her eyes off the dance floor and looked at Severus. "Of course you can get a ride, stupid," she said. "You think I'd just leave you there?"
"Maybe," he replied, smiling a little bit.
"D'you think your dad's going to be back?" Lily asked.
"Who knows? I hope not. I hope he stays wherever he's at forever. I'm fixing to ask my Mum about a bunch of stuff this break, and I don't want him messing everything up," Severus said. He sat back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling. "I want to know how to be a great wizard," he said finally. "I need to learn Legilimency and Occlumency. That I know. And I'm getting quite good at dueling."
"Severus, you are a great wizard," Lily said, and his face brightened up a bit. "And you still owe me dueling lessons," she added casually.
"Yeah, anytime," he said. "I miss when we used to hang out."
"We still hang out," Lily said.
"Yes, but, not as much. I think break will be good," Severus said.
Lily nodded. "I hope so. I'd like to get along with Petunia better again. I hope she's not too horrible."
"Good luck there," Severus said, snorting.
Lily punched him in the arm.
"Oh, no," Petunia groaned from the back seat of Lily's parents' car. "Not him!"
"Petunia, be kind!" said Mr. Evans cheerfully from the front seat. "Hello, dear! Hello Severus!"
Severus and Lily slid into the backseat, and Severus gave Petunia a wicked smile from beside Lily. Petunia glared at him. Severus was very aware of the fact that his leg was touching Lily's leg. He did not move, and internally prayed that she would not, either.
"Hi, Tuney," Lily said, giving her sister a small, over-the-shoulder hug.
"How was school?" asked Petunia glumly.
"Just fine," Lily replied. "And your school?"
Petunia seemed a bit surprised. "Good," she said. "I went out for girl's football again. There are pictures, if you want to see them. And I got top marks in science, and high marks in everything else, I've got a big chemistry project due at start of next term—"
"That's great, Tuney!" Lily said brightly. Severus thought she sounded sincere, but Petunia seemed uncomfortable with how conversational she was being. From what Severus could tell, Petunia looked annoyed rather than comforted by the gesture. He had no idea what Lily was trying to prove. As far as he was concerned, Petunia was a stupid, spoiled bitch who deserved ill treatment. But he'd always hated Petunia, from the very first time he'd met her. She was vindictive and judgmental, as unlike Lily as anyone could possibly be. And with her straight-as-sticks, yellow blonde hair and boyish frame, Severus hardly could believe she was related to the vivacious, curvy Lily. He figured Petunia was still jealous of Lily, and really, he could see why. Severus figured that no one at Petunia's school had a crush on her. Football, of all things. It figured. It seemed to Severus that every athlete he'd ever known was a complete arse.
"How about for you, Severus?" asked Mrs. Evans. "Have you been having a nice time at school?"
"It's fine," Severus said quietly, looking out the window. "I'm top at Defense Against the Dark Arts—"
"Oh," said Mr. Evans, glancing in the rearview mirror. "Is that good?"
"It's very good," said Lily, and Severus felt his face get hot. So she did think it was impressive that he knew so much. He very much wanted to rub his leg against Lily's but he tried to stop thinking about it. He was desperately trying to learn how to control his erections, but so far, nothing was working. And to top it off, he'd been waking up nearly every morning with his sheets completely soaked. At first, he thought he'd wet the bed. But instantly, he knew something else had gone on. It was mortifying. He'd looked and looked for spells to cure spontaneous erections. He'd found a few ancient ones, but he was too afraid his penis would fall off as a result. That would not be worth it. Instead, he just enjoyed the fact that their legs were touching and tried to ignore the feeling that his heart might jump out of his chest.
Lily's parents went on and on, asking her questions that Severus tuned out of. They finally passed the park near Lily's house, where a group of teenagers were all smoking cigarettes and laughing. They were all dressed in dark colors, and Lily's parents looked annoyed.
"Every day," Mrs. Evans said, shaking her head. "They've been there every day this week, and none of the children have been able to play there anymore. It's awful. Severus, would you like to have dinner with us?"
He would have said no, because he didn't want them offering just because they felt sorry for him, but he was awfully hungry—and besides, it would give him more time with Lily. He helped Lily put her things away, but that was as much alone time as he got with her. Still, Mrs. Evans had made a delicious dinner especially for Lily's homecoming. Lily told funny stories about how annoying James and Sirius were, and Severus and her family laughed, save for Petunia. He imagined times always being like this—living above he and Lily's shop and seeing her daily, coming by with her to visit her family. He didn't like them very well, but he liked that they included him enough, even if they were Muggles, and snobby ones at that. He imagined how it would be, being grown-ups. It would have to be tons better than being thirteen. That he knew. By the time he was twenty he'd be a whole different person, he figured. By then, he'd probably be a lot better in social situations, and a lot more impressive, too.
Around eight thirty, Severus finally decided to leave. He was apprehensive to see what was going on at his home and besides, Mrs. Evans had asked him at least ten times what time he was going. He grabbed his limited amount of stuff, including Poe, who had been happily nibbling Atticus' beak, and took off toward Spinner's end. The old house looked bleaker than usual, given that the grass was completely overrun. Severus figured that no one from the local church had taken pity on the neighborhood that year. Luckily, Dad's Buick was not in the driveway, but a terrible looking, rusted old junk pile of a car was. Not that Dad's car wasn't all of those things, but this one really gave it considerable competition.
Severus opened the door to his house, and instantly was met with the aroma of cigarette smoke. His first thought was that Dad was back, and with an even shittier car. The record player was blaring with some band he'd never heard. Since when does Mum listen to rock records? Severus thought, surprised, dropping his bag to the floor and walking into the kitchen, where the only light was on.
Sitting at the kitchen table was not his mother, but a girl who looked like she was at least as old as the seventh years at Hogwarts. She was wearing blue jeans that had holes all over them, and she had a very tough look about her. She had long, wiry black hair and dark, mean eyes. Out of her mouth poked a cigarette, and she put it out on the butter dish. She was not attractive but she seemed to be the type to beat you up if you said so, kind of like Rosier.
"Oh Jesus," she said painfully, clasping her hand to her heart. Her voice was hoarse and sultry, and her cleavage was visible just above her black shirt. "It's the Tobias Snape nose gene." She pointed to her own hooked nose, which, Severus realized, was identical to his own. He glared at her, wondering who the hell she was and what she was doing in his kitchen. She glared right back in the same way, and then smiled. "Well," she said. "You must be my baby brother. I figured you'd be home soon."
"If you ever want me, come on and crrrry, crrry baby! Crrry, baby!" wailed the record player.
Severus stared back. "What?" he asked.
AN: All right, I'm going to ask again—how do you all like the story? Speak up! I know you're reading it. I want to know what you think. I am continuing it, of course, but it makes it wayyy more fun when I have reviews and know what people are thinking. Did you enjoy it? Tell me. I write for my own pleasure, but I'd be lying if I said the reviews don't mean anything to me. They do. Because I like to hear what you're all thinking... HINT.