Alright, on the count of three, everyone group hug Kenshin. One… Two… Three… (glomp) lol.
Disclaimer: Even if I did, it's not like I could take it with me.
Chapter 27: Rain
The soft, pattering sound of rain beat a continuous rhythm against the roof of Kaoru's pavilion as she lay awake on her back. It was morning, but the dreary clouds of spring were covering the sun's rays, transforming the contrast of day into one monotone color of dim, gray light. It had been the same all week, nothing but darkening or lightening hues of ash to mark the progress of time. The gloominess agreed with her mood, and she found it to be more appropriate than cheery sunbeams. Though no amount of sunshine would have improved her disposition.
The images had not left her alone. They haunted her, and she cursed her overactive imagination as it conjured up realistic scenarios for the mock-Kenshin in her mind to destroy. It was worse when she slept, and she had spent a few nights trying to keep herself awake and distracted. Most times it merely intensified the nightmare, dragging it out even as she jerked into consciousness, the flickering flame of her candle tingeing the ceiling in shades of red and tricking her mind into believing the fires he set to blaze were surrounding her.
Sometimes the faces of victims were random, other times they were so specific it hurt. More than once her own face stared back at her: her father; her mother. Some dreams felt so real she could not talk herself into believing they were mere fantasy, others were so eerie and confusing she wasn't sure of their meaning. Lately a reoccurring figure had started to show up in interruption of her nightmares. A lady, in a full court kimono wearing a veil over her face would appear randomly beside her. She never spoke, but she always offered comfort, either in the form of a hug, or her soft, delicate hand holding on to the roughness of her own.
At first the nightmares had been so forceful Megumi had prescribed something to help her sleep. After only three days, however, she feared Kaoru would soon become dependant on it and so forbid her from taking any more. No one knew what had happened to the lady to make her act as she was, or how long it would last, or if it was something that would end at all. As a doctor, however, Megumi knew that to truly find peace at night she needed to make peace with what was haunting her.
It was after this declaration that Kaoru began to see the lady, and her nights were allowed some form of rest. Order began to return to her thoughts, and she was finally able to understand and accept the truth of Megumi's advice. For a little over a week she had locked herself up in her pavilion, ignoring the outside world and allowing her imaginings to become too real and unhealthy. She needed air, she needed room, and most of all… she needed to see Kenshin. Whatever way her life was going to lead her, it could go nowhere until she accepted what she felt about the curse and why it had been brought about. Which meant she had to find out just exactly how she now felt about the lord of the palace.
Letting out a slow breath, Kaoru closed her eyes and tried to steady herself in that way her father had taught her. Discipline was a large part of her life, and she had conveniently forgotten all about it for the past week. She was happy to have even a portion of it back. Sitting up, she tossed back her covers and stood to make herself ready. Breakfast would come first, and then she really needed a bath. Hopefully the bath would be soothing, because today she was planning on dining at the table. Something she had avoided since learning of the past.
Halfway through dressing Misao poked her nose in, a habit she had developed over the last few days to check on Kaoru's condition. Seeing that she was up and putting on her kimono, she blinked and hopped up into the room.
"Do you not plan on eating in your room today, milady?" Not daring to be hopeful, Misao asked the question tentatively. It saddened her to see her kind mistress so distressed and out of sorts, and the entire palace was feeling the effects of her indisposition. If she was going to leave her pavilion… perhaps the rain might truly stop. Perhaps the young lord might acknowledge that there is something wrong.
"Actually…" Taking a deep breath, she tried out a smile. "I thought I might dine at the table, today."
"Really?" In disbelief, Misao stood on her hind legs.
"Well," Tightening her obi with a determined yank, Kaoru smoothed out the silk of her dress and turned. "I can't just stay in here forever, now can I? Besides, I would like to take a bath, as well. Can you see that the water is ready for me after I eat, Misao-san?"
"Of course, milady! I will see to it right away!"
The weasel disappeared, leaving her alone to brush and fix her hair. A quick twist and knot pulled all of the strands up off the back of her neck, a different style than her usual ponytail. It better hid the fact that her hair was in desperate need of washing.
It took her only a few minutes to talk herself out of her pavilion, and even less time to make it to the dining hall. Standing before the door, she was once again plagued by doubts and fears, afraid of her own reactions when the door was finally opened and she was confronted by the man who was troubling her thoughts. As the shoji slid aside, however, her resolve firm enough to meet his gaze, she was instead faced with an empty room and an emptier table.
Instant disappointment blossomed in her chest, leaving her in greater turmoil as her emotions contradicted everything she had experienced within the last eight days. She still wanted to see the man that she knew, still wanted to share the friendship they had fostered. Was he not still the same person? Was it not only she who had changed? Perhaps that was true, but he had changed in her eyes. He was doing nothing different, she was simply seeing more, and it was not an easy truth to accept.
Settling down on her cushion, she balled her hands into her lap, her eyes continuously drawn to and away from the lonely cushion at the head of the table. What if he didn't come to breakfast? Relief mixed with her disappointment, her mind hoping to avoid the inevitable. But would she miss him? Frowning, she toyed with her obi. I think I already do.
The shoji behind her opened, startling her, and she turned, sighing as Tae and Suzume walked in with her tray of food.
"Good-morning, my lady." Cheerful, relieved, excited; it was easy to read their feelings, and Kaoru smiled softly back. It was awful of her not to think of how her actions would hurt those around her, especially since she knew none of them had a clue as to what was going on. It was part of the reason she was forcing herself to try.
"Good-morning." Chewing her lip, she fought with her voice to speak, to question, and to learn. Where was Kenshin? Was he going to be there soon?
"I'm glad to see you are eating at the table this morning." Carefully placing her dishes, Tae smiled up at Kaoru. Catching and correctly interpreting the furtive dart of her blue irises, Tae's smile lessened. "The young lord has taken to eating his meals in his office of late, but do not worry, I have sent Ayame to inform him you are here."
"T-thank you."
The wait was nearly unbearable. By the time the lord's own food was set out and she was left alone in the room, she felt just as jittery as when she first stood outside trying to come in. The promise of his presence seem almost threatening, hurtling her back over the knowledge of his monstrous deeds. Just the thought of taking one life sickened her. How could she look at a man that had taken so many that were innocent?
The gentle scrape of wood on wood jerked her irises up and to the door, watching as it slowly, torturously slid aside. Though her nerves were stretched and her muscles taut, she told herself to look, to see, and to experience whatever ran first through her mind at the sight of him. Surely then she would have her answer. Then everything could progress. Determined, trying to be steady, she kept her resolve as his wing came into view, then his shoulder, but at the hinting curve of his jaw she lost her nerve and looked away. She was frightened. She didn't want to know.
Staring down at the table, she listened, waiting for him to step forward. It was several seconds before he did, but she was still too unsettled to look and find a reason why. When he knelt on his cushion, she closed her eyes, desperate not to see.
"Good-morning." Softly, delicately, he greeted her. Nearly inaudible, she answered. His intake of breath was loud in the silence. "I am glad to see you have left your rooms. …I hope that means… you have been sleeping easier."
Biting down hard on her trembling lip, Kaoru tilted her head slightly away. "No."
"Oh." His response was bland, untainted by any emotion, and Kaoru's brow furrowed, her eyes blinking open. Not even the kind and gentle voice of his questioning was present. "I am truly sorry to hear that, my lady."
This hurt, too, she realized. Hearing nothing from him. It made it feel like he did not even care that she knew, that she was struggling. A part of her wanted him to plead with her, to ask forgiveness, to show he was sorry. It would give her the excuse she wanted, she needed, to believe he was never as ugly as Tomoe painted him to be. Seeing how thoroughly he could cut himself off only solidified what she had been told.
He had already started eating, but Kaoru found she was not hungry. Staring at the meal, trying not to watch the way his hands skillfully moved in her peripheral vision, nor see how they would, with equal aptitude, wield a blade, she sighed. This was not working. Kaoru had been hoping to achieve something this morning by leaving her futon and facing the world. Nothing had been accomplished, because she was too much of a coward.
Abruptly his left hand reached forward and she couldn't help but jump. He paused, and she could feel the weight of his gaze upon her, but it soon lifted and his hand wrapped around the small ceramic teacup in front of him. It was empty. She knew it was because she had forgotten to fill it. It took him a moment to realize this, and she braced herself as he sat it back down on the table. She could refuse to notice and see how he would react, or she could buck up some courage and use it as an excuse to finally look him in the eye.
Even if he could kill the hinting fluctuations in his voice, surely he could not completely hide everything in his eyes. Separate, seeing and hearing could be tricky, but together they could give her some semblance of truth. And even if his eyes were as hollow and empty as his tone, then at least she could banish the deceitful version of Kenshin in her mind and truly see the monster of Tomoe's past. It would be something; a start.
His hand withdrew and she knew he would say nothing. Clenching her fists, she steadied her nerves and sat up straight to reach for the teapot. Again he paused, curious as he watched her, and as she leaned forward the anxiety over his proximity finally kicked in. The teapot rattled in her grip, giving away her fear, and she was all at once attacked by shame and a buried sense of sadness. How awful of her to show him that fear.
Displaced by her trembling, the lid slipped free of the teapot. Alarmed, she reached for it, unthinking of the consequences or how the redirection of her balance would affect the hot tea inside the pot she still held in her other hand. At the same moment he reached for it as well, his quicker reflexes closing around its fragile clay before it could bust on the floor. Startled by the appearance of his hand, she flinched, knocking over his cup and losing the teapot as it slipped from her loose fingers. The sound of it hitting the table upset her further and she yelped, steaming liquid pouring across the surface in all directions.
"Kaoru-dono, are you alright?"
Squeaking in alarm, Kaoru slapped at the hand touching her shoulder and scrambled back, terrified at finding him up and beside her. The cushion was suddenly between them as she found herself clutching at the table and she panicked at discovering that her legs were twisted and trapped by the material of her kimono. Kenshin had not moved, the hand she had rejected frozen in the air, and she stared straight into his golden irises.
They were not empty, and she felt her face crumple even as he pulled away.
Twice his hands flexed, as if undecided, before he bowed his head and stood. "Excuse me, my lady… I need to get back to my duties."
He was gone before she could protest, and as the shoji slid shut on his back, the tears finally came a moment too late. Gasping for breath, she sat all the way up, tears dripping from her chin like the tea onto the floor and the rain off the eaves outside. She wasn't sure if this was the answer she was looking for, but she now knew how seeing him made her feel.
It was horrible, she decided. It was awful and confusing and worse than she had thought. Fear was still present, horror at the deeds he had committed, but to see the way he looked at her, to feel the tangle of emotions it knotted in her chest. Even after learning what he had done… she still cared for him, still felt sympathy for the pain in his eyes.
Agonizing pain. Deep pain. A bottomless well of it that was only rivaled by his sorrow. He was hurting, and she found herself wanting to comfort, wanting to heal.
The tears became thicker. How could she do that? How could she want that? Was it terrible of her to wish for his peace after all the lives he had taken? Did that make her a bad person? Was she hoping for the wrong thing? Had the friendship they created tainted her, blinded her, condemned her so that she was just as evil as his deeds once were? Did that now mean he was still labeled as evil? And if so, was she now sentenced with guilt by association? And if she, even now, wished to stand beside him and banish his misery, was she disrespecting the memory of every innocent life he had stolen?
She wanted to, but should she? Was it the right thing to want? Did he even deserve it?
I have learned nothing but that my heart is sensitive to everyone's pain. Burying her face in her arms, she wept harder. And that I care too deeply for Kenshin to turn my back on him now.
X
Misao dodged the splatters of rain as she sped her way around the verandas towards the northwest and the quarters for the palace guards. It was just after noon, but it was not easy to tell by the dreary amount of light the thick clouds let through. The morning had been long and tense, but it had given her enough time to think and come up with a plan.
The something that was bothering her mistress was no longer as hazy as it had been before. Not now that she had witnessed even briefly the moment her lord had left the breakfast table and missed Kaoru's wretched tears. Whatever was wrong, it had something to do with Kenshin, and no fight they could have ever had would have brought about her nightmares in such a violent way. Somehow, Kaoru had learned something she should not have. Misao didn't know who had told her… but she really wanted to cut their tongue out.
Grumbling, she skidded on a slick spot, her small claws raking across the wood before finding purchase, and she was off again. Those tears had lasted throughout her bath, hidden by the steam inside and the melodic slosh of water as she washed. Afterwards they were gone, but a different kind of disquiet now subdued her pretty eyes, becoming deeper when the young lord did not show up at the table for lunch. Depression was replacing desperation and Misao was only glad that Kaoru had not returned to hiding in her rooms. No… now she wandered the walkways in her pure white kimono with her unfocused eyes and loose hair looking like a specter haunting the palace.
Something needed to be done, because everyone had already decided. The young lord deserved to be happy, and this was not congruent to happiness.
Finally at her destination, breathing heavily and slightly wet despite her best efforts, Misao nosed her way through the shoji and into the guard's personal training hall. It was a riot of noise and disturbance, though no one really seemed to be doing anything. Everyone sat along the edge, cheering on a fight that was getting just a bit heated. Recognizing Yahiko and Yutarou, Misao sighed with a roll of her eyes and stood on her hind legs to look around. Just on the other side of the hall was the man she was looking for. Well… cat, I guess. Giggling, she shot across the floor, bounced off one of the large feline's heads, and slid to a stop in front Soujirou.
Laughter echoed around the room, Yutarou's indignant voice shouting after her, and Soujirou merely shook his head. "Misao-kun… you are aware that very few people know of the special training you underwent to become Lady Kinuko's personal maid."
Shrugging her shoulders and grinning, she acted nonchalant. "Yeah, so what?"
"So… you are only embarrassing my pupil by performing stunts like that. To him, you are only a handmaiden."
"Well maybe he'll start learning how to pay attention. Anyway, I need to talk to you in private. Can you spare me a moment?"
"I suppose." Glancing over the ball of fur still hissing and spitting in the middle of the floor, he stood up and snuck out a side door, Misao following quickly behind him. Far enough away for the noise to quiet to a dim murmur, he stopped and turned expectantly. "So, what is this about?"
"I'm going to assume you know about what's been going on with the lady."
A long sigh left his mouth and he looked away. It was a sad look, and Misao was halfway surprised by it. "Yes… I have heard."
"Well, she finally came out of her pavilion today." The cheetah's eyes shot to her, and Misao got a sinking feeling in her gut. Perhaps asking him for help was not going to be the greatest idea. "But something happened at breakfast between her and the master. Now he's avoiding her and she's… well, she's not really worse, but she's not really better either. It got me to thinking, though, and I'm almost certain that whatever has upset her has something to do with the past." Soujirou ducked his head, his tail flicking. "With the master's past."
"How can you be so certain?" Slow and careful, his voice was unreadable.
"The nightmares. A simple fight would have never given her such horrible nightmares." Angry, Misao growled. "I don't know who the hell would have told her, but… she has to know something. It's hurting their relationship. It's hurting the young lord. I saw his face this morning. It was devoid of all emotion." Grinding his teeth, the cheetah sat down and stared at the rain. "You know better than anyone, Soujirou-kun… he only does that when he's trying to hide."
Something twitched on Soujirou's face. "No. He only does that when the pain has become too much."
Misao made a noise somewhere between a whine and a groan, frustrated and concerned. "Then it's worse than I thought!"
"If she truly does know something about his past… and is having nightmares in response to that knowledge… then her rejection must have added to his pain."
"Added? You don't think that's why he is in pain?"
A humorless laugh pushed from his mouth, and he shook his head. "Misao-kun, you were there… do you not think the master is in pain for other reasons?"
"Well, I…" It was her turn to look away. "I did not know the young lord that well back then."
"No. I suppose you did not."
Misao frowned, and stood back up. "Which is exactly why I'm here talking to you. The lady won't speak with me about what is bothering her, and even if she did I wouldn't know the first thing to tell her to make her feel better or help. You've made friends with her. She'll talk to you, and what's better… next to Master Shinta and Lady Kinuko, you have the most knowledge of Lord Kenshin and his past."
"Misao…"
"No, don't even try it. You want to help the lady, don't you?"
"I would love nothing more than to help ease her mind, but…"
Smacking him hard on the nose Misao scowled up at him as he blinked in surprise. "But you want the lady for yourself, is that it? You want her to despise the young lord and turn to you instead? Well that is not how things are done around here. For one thing, she is our mistress, our lady. She is not meant for you or anyone else of our station. For another, a woman's heart is not won in such ways. She will choose on her own and in her own time. Do you think Lord Kenshin has played such tricks to win her over? Do you think he's fed her lies about you, or allowed her to think bad thoughts about your past? Of course he hasn't. He respects the lady and her decisions."
Scolded, he glared. "That is not what I was thinking."
"Well you had better keep it in mind anyway, or I will be coming after you with those special skills I was trained in. She is my new lady, after all. I will protect her, just as I protected Lady Kinuko."
Grumbling, Soujirou wrinkled his nose. "So you want me to talk to her."
"Yes." Relieved, Misao relaxed from her offensive stance.
"Fine, but I am only doing this for the lady."
As he stalked away, Misao rolled her eyes. No you're not, you idiot. Jeez, and he thinks Yahiko and Yutarou are bad.
X
Kaoru shivered and pulled a large overcoat tighter around her shoulders. It was a beautiful piece of clothing, warm and comfortable, and there was just the slightest scent of lilac coming from it. The smell came from some dried flowers she had found in the box it was kept in, and since it used to belong to the lady Kinuko, Kaoru liked the thought of knowing what Kenshin's mother used to smell like. She assumed, though, that Misao had been replacing the flowers, since the dried petals would eventual disintegrate.
With it wrapped around her she felt just a bit calmer, like she did when the lady in her dreams came to offer comfort; like she used to feel when her mother held her after being upset. She didn't know what had given her the idea to go to the lady's pavilion, but after wandering around in a daze, she had found herself standing in the middle of the room, staring around her at the screens. Now she sat outside of the pavilion, staring across the small courtyard that separated the lady's quarters from the master's and watching the sheets of rain as they fell from the heavens.
Kenshin wasn't over there. She knew he wasn't in his rooms because he was in the pavilion just on the other side of her own, which the servants had affectionately dubbed 'the office.' Apparently he had spent all of his time there, working, almost fanatically, on running the palace. He ate his meals there, he only left if there was a pressing issue, and more often than not, he slept there as well. It was no great mystery where to find the man, but then, Kaoru was no longer fooling herself into thinking the man in her present was who she needed to confront and make peace with. The man of Kenshin's past, that was who she couldn't accept. The man he used to be… a man she wasn't so sure he wouldn't be again.
She needed to know more, but she was scared to ask, scared to learn. What if it made the nightmares worse? What if she truly found out something that would make her despise Kenshin? What if it killed all of her compassion for him? He had warned her once already against asking too much, afraid it would taint her opinion of him and her innocent world. That advice was still more than valid. What if he had enjoyed killing? What if he had suggested the idea? What if…
Tomoe's voice drifted through her mind, talking about her best friend, Hisano, and the way she had been murdered. Not just killed, not just cut down and burned, but drug out into the middle of the square and beheaded. Surely a simple woman would never have warranted such an execution style death. And then Akira… with his mutilated body. From what Kaoru could understand, he had given Kenshin the scar on his cheek. Akira's death proved he had a violent temper, his anger raging out of control and killing his restraint all because of a simple wound.
That slim restraint was still present at times. Kaoru had witnessed it herself her first few weeks there. What if there were other parts of his personality still hanging around? What if there was something darker laying dormant within him, waiting to get out?
"My lady?"
Kaoru jumped, wide blue eyes swinging quickly to the owner of the voice as her tense arms pulled the overcoat even closer up around her ears. Instead of seeing the lord, however, she was confronted by questioning, pale blue eyes. "S-Soujirou."
"Yes, my lady, it is just me."
Kaoru sighed, her body relaxing, and she tried to smile. "What are you doing around this side of the palace, Soujirou-kun?"
Padding his way forward, the large cheetah sat down next to her at a polite distance, and inclined his head. "I had heard you were up and about today and thought I would seek you out to see how you were fairing."
"Oh." Unconsciously imitating Kenshin's cool reply, Kaoru looked away. "I am just fine, Soujirou-kun. Just fine." Dropping her gaze from the closed tsumado across the courtyard, Kaoru sighed again, a little despondently.
"If I may be so bold… it seems there is something bothering my lady."
Frowning, Kaoru glanced at him briefly. "That's just one thing I can't get used to around here. Everyone knows everyone else's business."
Chuckling lightly, Soujirou shook his head. "No, my lady, everyone knows the noble's business."
"I am not a noble."
"No, I suppose you aren't, but you have become our lady in more than just name. Where you came from does not matter to us."
"Thanks… I guess."
The rhythmic patter of rain filled the following silence and Kaoru's thoughts wandered off, replaying random conversations and trying to find some semblance of order. With Soujirou's presence, they naturally turned toward him, bringing to mind something Kenshin had said the same day she had asked about the curse.
"You were Kenshin's sparring partner, right, Soujirou-kun?" Instead of the tension she had expected, the cheetah sighed, sounding nearly relieved.
"Yes, my lady, I was."
"So you… knew Kenshin well, back then?"
"Better than most, I suppose."
"Father always says, you cannot fight someone without finding out who they truly are. You fought with Kenshin many times… I… I want you to tell me about him."
"You want the truth then, my lady?"
When Kaoru looked at him in surprise, he looked away, his expression sad.
"Would you tell me a lie?"
A painful laugh huffed from his mouth, and his head tilted up to look at the water running off the eaves. "You are very young and very innocent, my lady. A fact that is no longer true for anyone now living at the palace."
"What are you saying?"
Periwinkle blue irises met the deep tint of sapphire, his eyes serious. "I hated him. From the very first moment I met him, I felt nothing by loathing." Something vulnerable trembled on Kaoru's face, and he could read the pain he was giving to her, but continued, Misao's favor at the forefront of his thoughts. "He was the very reason for my torment, the reason I was not allowed to have a normal childhood or, in fact, life. I was hand picked to be his sparring partner and then trained endlessly to match his skill." His head shook. "But I could never quite match him, he always bested me. It made me angry, and the strength that had been forced upon me became insufficient. I wanted more. But no matter how strong I became, he was always stronger. It was unfair."
The original notion of pain at his story disappeared, her fear of hearing another terrible tale leaving her as she recognized simple boyish rivalry. She was sympathetic to Soujirou, but relieved at the same time. "Do you still hate him?"
The cheetah sighed. "Your father's words are true, in a sense, Lady Kaoru, but it works only when you are open enough to see it, your mind clear enough to accept the truth. For a long time, I was not. It took me several years to see who the object of my bitterness truly was. I hated the spoiled noble boy that acted so superior and cold, but I met swords with a man far more skilled, powerful, dangerous, and…" Almond-shaped eyes closed, almost shamefully. "so unbelievably sad, I have yet to meet his equal, even after all these years. At the same moment I realized this, I understood that he had been robbed just like I of anything normal. So no, Lady Kaoru… I do not hate the master. I owe him too much to feel any hatred."
Thinking of Yahiko and Yutarou, Kaoru smiled. "Because you made each other stronger? By pushing each other to do better?"
"No. It is a much greater debt than that." Watching her carefully, Soujirou stepped into waters he had thought left behind, hoping Misao's theory was correct. "He protected me, and many others, from the disgraceful war of his father, from the old master's brutal commands, and from dishonoring our swords and our souls."
Slowly Kaoru's dark blue irises lifted to him, and the haunting in their depths was too real to be coincidence. She was even now guessing correctly about what he was speaking of, and an aching part of him understood his master's pain and the reason for his distance. For Kaoru to know such a horror was too much of a punishment.
Licking her dry lips, Kaoru tried twice to speak. "Were you… meant to…?"
"My lady, I don't know where you have learned of this shameful deed, but I cannot let you continue to see only the execution. Yes, I will not deny that what was done was horrible, shameful, and unforgivable, but it is not only my master that must carry this burden. It is as much mine, and many other's, as well to bear.
"Master Izo was going to order several of us to attack the villages, and even though we did not wish to, we could not deny our lord unless we were ready to flee or accept punishment. Since fleeing usually ended in death, and punishment was no better, we were given little choice. It was either kill, or die ourselves and let others take our place. Before we were to be sent out, however, we received news that the young lord was going to handle the problem and did not need our assistance. We were spared, and though I am sure Lord Kenshin did not wish for his actions to be seen as merciful to us, or his father would have never allowed it, we all knew the truth. The young lord had taken our place, had sacrificed himself, to save us." A heavy weight seemed to settle onto his shoulders. "We are as guilty as he is, and the next time I saw him and we sparred together, I saw an echo of what I could have become. The sadness in his being had tripled, and was now accompanied by pain, a drowning desperation… and an unbelievable rage."
The vulnerable compassion in her chest trembled and she questioned tentatively. "For his father?"
"Any emotions he had felt towards his father was given up on long before then. No, this was for his own helplessness. It was a feeling I could relate with, was glad I did not fully comprehend, and felt shame that he had to carry it alone."
The emotion blossomed warmly, spreading over her heart and the pink glow of her necklace brightened within the confines of Kinuko's overcoat. "For the villages?"
"Yes, my lady. Because he could not protect everyone. By protecting us, he had condemned them, but by protecting them, he would have condemned us, himself, and many more, and eventually, it would have been for nothing. Unless, that is, he was willing to take on all of the master's army, the master himself, and his brother. Lord Kenshin is a strong man, but everyone has their limits." A relieved smile fought the tense muscles of her face, and Soujirou knew his job was almost done. Ignoring the twinge of jealousy her devotion towards his master jabbed into his ribs, he continued. "What was done can never be righted. It was a shameful, immoral, and sickening deed, and I understand the horror you feel just by knowing of it, my lady. It is a lot to take in, but I wanted you to know this truth of it, as well. To ease your mind… and perhaps calm the master."
In his own way, Soujirou was showing his respect, commitment, and even concern for Kenshin, and Kaoru was suddenly overwhelmed by more emotion than she could correctly identify. Yes there was still a large amount of uncertainty and dismay she had to deal with, but at least she no longer felt conflicted about her sympathy and compassion for the master. He had wished only to protect, like Megumi had told her those long weeks before. The choice went against everything she had ever been taught, and that was something she had to deal with, but it was a relief just knowing he had still possessed a heart, unlike what Tomoe intimated about him at that time. He was not the monster she had painted him into, he had made himself into that monster, to save others and to save himself from the heartache of murder.
With Soujirou's help, she had taken a large step onto a new path, and her heart no longer felt like it was completely shredding into pieces.
Happy for the first time in over a week, Kaoru startled the cheetah by impulsively throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him tight. He froze at first, his voice stuttering a denial of her actions, but quickly relaxed when her head shook against his neck. Fur soft under her cheek, she giggled lightly, rubbing her face over the smooth texture like anyone on a velvet surface.
In shock, Soujirou fought the tempting voice that whispered to enjoy her attention while he still had it. This was not decent, in more ways than he could rightly count, but she had said so herself that she was not a noble, and besides… it felt nice. Purring involuntarily, he let his eyes close and listened as she laughed.
"Thank you. I'm so glad you told me this about Kenshin. I really…" Emotion quivered her voice and she held on tighter. "I really needed to know."
A sad twinge tugged his heartstrings, already grieving the loss he was going to experience once again to his master. He never won… he knew this would be no different. Opening miserable eyes, he frowned as she hiccupped, her joy over his words combining with her recent misery. Sighing, he lifted a paw and placed it gently on her back, hoping to offer her comfort as she cried and laughed into his fur.
A flash of movement caught his attention out of the corner of his eye, and apprehension sank into his gut like a rock as he turned fully in its direction. Golden eyes were wide in his master's face as he stared across the courtyard, his body already halfway pivoted to turn the corner to enter his pavilion. If he had been showing no emotion earlier that day to Kaoru, all of it was freely shown now. Ears pinning back, Soujirou ducked, but this action only placed more weight on Kaoru's shoulders, giving her the wrong cue and strengthening her hold. For a moment, Soujirou thought his master might hurt him, a dark flickering of jealous rage surely hinted that he wanted to, but within only seconds the warning tension dropped with his lashes and he instead looked defeated.
Never once before in his life had Soujirou seen his master in defeat because of him, and to see it now brought no sense of triumph, but only shame. With everything that he owed to his master, this was no way to properly repay him. Misao was right. Kaoru was their lady, and she was meant for no one else but their lord.
Forgoing his original intent, Kenshin backtracked and disappeared down the veranda before Soujirou could figure out what needed to be done. A resigned part of him realized nothing could be done now. The damaged had already occurred. Sighing, he dropped his paw back to the polished wood, watching as Kaoru leaned back to smile brightly at him, unaware of the new anguish that would soon affect her life. Briefly her blue eyes glanced at the master's quarters, but her attention was much too late.
"Look, Soujirou-kun, the rain's stopping."
Thinking of how wrong that statement was, Soujirou tried to smile back. "So it is, my lady."
X
A/N: Alright, so this one was only slightly better than the last, but at least we are progressing. It was still hard to write, but it got easier at the end. In fact, it was a little too easy, and I'm hoping it didn't feel that way because I lost quality. Anyway, this was so late. I wanted to get it done last weekend, but I got sicker than a dog (ie. Sanosuke after too much sake only without getting to enjoy the alcohol) and only had half of it done. All week has been nothing but rush, rush and I'm about to lose it, but the weekend is almost here, and I plan on relaxing. If anyone calls me up, I'm chewing their ear off before hanging up on them. Grrr.
Well, back to the story. Poor Kenshin still, but he's not exactly doing anything to make it better, either. Misao's finally getting a hand in, Soujirou's learning a life lesson, and Kaoru is struggling with the idea that she has a tight bond with a killer of defenseless villagers. I had to figure out something to make it not quite as horrible as I made it out to be, and since blaming it on his dad really doesn't cut it, and I wanted at the same time to keep him as the main culprit and not someone else, I wanted to keep his protecting instinct intact and this was perfect for that. Obviously he was still young and inexperienced and so dealt with it the only way he could think of, but he was still trying. Also, I wanted to tie in that part about his dad when Tomoe talked about how he didn't react when she killed Izo. Pretty much it was because at that point in time he cared little for his father or his brother for that matter. He had shut down his feelings for them by this point in his life because they didn't really deserve any from him. Also… I've got some more stuff going on in the next chapter, so I'll stop here.
Please leave a review, tell me what you think might happen next. I was trying not to make the last part too contrived, but it serves a purpose. Thanks for all the support. I hope to have another chapter up for you soon. Oh, and we get to see Kaoru's dad again in the next chapter! Yipee!