A/N: So although there are important developments with Lily (and both of them together, hint hint), this is a very Severus-heavy chapter. Severus has so much development as an adult that I've been trying to lead up to in a plausible way, whereas Lily's canon development is more pliable. But Lily will be getting MUCH MORE love (from me, and probably Severus) next chapter. Things are developing fast now. Severus and Lily are maturing quickly.
Thank you for adds, reviews, etc! I love hearing from you. In this chapter, I used an excerpt of the beautiful poem My Wicked, Wicked Ways by Sandra Cisneros, lyrics by Led Zeppelin ("Dazed and Confused"), and referenced Edgar Allan Poe's Telltale Heart.
Apologies for any overlooked grammatical errors. I really hate the document manager. Why must it fail so much?
Chapter Ten: She's Your Cocaine
December Break of third year, continued.
…Here is my mother.
/
She is not crying.
She cannot look into the lens
because the sun is bright.
The woman,
the one my father knows,
is not here.
She does not come till later.
/
My mother will get very mad.
Her face will turn red
and she will throw one shoe.
My father will say nothing.
After a while everyone
will forget it.
Years and years will pass.
My mother will stop mentioning it.
/
This is me she is carrying.
I am a baby.
She does not know
I will turn out bad
/
excerpt from My Wicked, Wicked Ways by Sandra Cisneros
"Baby brother?" Severus barked. "What are you on about? Who are you, really?"
The black-haired girl stared meanly at him, flicking ash onto the dining room table. She sneered. He sneered back. Who is this bitch?he thought. She seemed to read his mind. "I'm your half sister," she said. That voice. It seemed to be hand-woven from a million cigarettes. "Come on, sit down. Let's get acquainted." She squinted her black eyes. "Say, is that a fucking owl you've got?"
"Yeah," Severus said cautiously, "she's my pet—"
"God, what a freak house!" The girl laughed deeply, her chuckles coming out in throaty hah hah hahs. "First your mum, now this owl—shit. Lemme see it," she said, pointing at Poe, who was hooting softly in her cage.
"No," Severus said shortly, dropping his bookbag on the floor beside him and gripping Poe's cage tightly. "I don't know who you are. When did you get here? How did you get in? Where's everyone else?"
She lit another cigarette and inhaled deeply. "You ask a lot of questions. And stop looking at me like I'm a liar. I got here this morning. Your mum let me in, that was real fun, and Tobias is missing in action. At least that's what I could gather from your dear mummy. Woman of few words, she is. Though I 'spose I gave her a shock."
"I'm an only child," Severus explained to her.
"Yeah, and I didn't have a brother until this morning. My life story just gets more and more tragic, I swear." She laughed again deeply, and then broke into a fit of wheezing. "What's your name? Your mum told me, but I think she was taking the piss," she asked, pounding her chest and then clearing her throat violently. The Clash, said her shirt. Her eyes were covered with a whole lot of dark eye makeup that in Severus' opinion made her look like she'd lost a fight.
"Severus," he said darkly. "What's yours, anyway?" He was hoping she was a liar, but the more he looked at her, the more he saw his father. It was in her coal-colored hair, her hooked nose, her thin face, her high cheekbones and dark eyebrows. The only different thing about her was her bright blue eyes, as wide as Severus' black ones, trailing off with the same long, black eyelashes.
"Abbigale. Call me Abby," she replied. "Severus? So your mum wasn't lying, then. Severus, hah ,hah, hah… Tobias definitely didn't pick the name. Not that he picked mine either. He probably split the scene the second I was born so he could go boff another whore. Come on, Severus, or whatever your name is- sit down."
Severus stared at her, trying to decide what he thought. She did not seem to have the same mother, based on her calling Eileen "your mum". Severus realized that this girl was probably a Muggle, and had absolutely no idea that she was in the house of a witch, unless Tobias had tipped her off somehow. The owl must have looked mighty peculiar to her. Severus was instantly furious. This was supposed to be his break, and as usual it was completely awful all ready. Abbigale stared right back at him, and uncrossed her legs. There was a large hole in the crotch of her jeans and Severus could not help but notice the black panties that were visible. His stomach was uneasy as he felt the front of his trousers getting tight. He'd never seen a girl who wore jeans like that. He swallowed hard, and put Poe down in the middle of the table, taking a seat across from his so-called sister.
She swung around to face the owl, leaning over to press her face to the cage bars, sticking her finger in, cooing at Poe. Poe bobbed her head and nibbled affectionately on Abbigale's finger. Abbigale laughed that phlegm-laced laugh and leaned back in the chair. "Tobias let you have an owl?" she asked.
"No. I bought her when I was at a friend's," Severus replied shortly, gawking at her, still trying to figure her out. "He doesn't know I have her."
"Hah hah hah," she laughed. "That'll really kill him. So, do you know where the old bastard is?"
Severus figured she must mean his father, and so he shrugged, glaring at her. "How should I know? I've been at school since September. And he left last summer. Why are you here?"
"I ended up here," she said. "I've been running 'round London for awhile, one of my mates had a place for us to stay, blah blah blah, here I am. Nice house, by the way."
"You're kidding," Severus said, reddening. But she actually looked sincere, of all things.
Abbigale shrugged, exhaling smoke in his face. She laughed when he coughed. "I guess it's not really nice but… It's all right, anyway," she said after a moment of thought. "At my mum's, we've only got one bedroom and the kitchen's a shithole. The whole thing is a shithole, actually. We've got rats, an'—" she noted Severus' expression. "Ah. You have rats here, too?"
Severus nodded. "Sometimes. And bugs."
"Perfect," she said.
"So, what are you even doing here?" Severus asked, annoyed at how nonchalant she was acting. "How'd you know this is where we live?"
"My mum tipped me off before I left. I disowned Tobias a year ago, when I turned seventeen. Figured since he wasn't in my life anyway I'd make things easier. But I've been out of the house with my mates for about six months now, and I realized I needed some money. I thought if anyone owed me something, it's him. Years of forgotten birthdays and no Christmases. Hah hah hah."
Severus raised his eyebrows. "Disowned. What's that mean?"
"It's a fancy word for sayin' like, fuck you and get out of my life forever. He's no longer in my family, y'know? I don't count him as blood. If I can get some money out of him then maybe I'll change my mind." She laughed again.
Disowned.Severus liked the sound of that. "Can I disown him?"
"Sure," she said. "There's nothing really to it. It's a personal statement. Though I don't know why you would. At least you had a dad, even if he was a fucking awful one. Hah hah hah. You were the favorite family."
"What does that mean?" Severus asked.
"How old are you, Severus?" she asked, ignoring him.
"I turn fourteen in January," Severus said. "How does that answer my question?" he asked impolitely.
"Jesus, you're a little shit, aren't you?" Abbigale said, inhaling and then putting her cigarette out on her arm. Severus stared at this action intently, and she noticed, grinning. "I was tryin' to work out the math. I'm four years older than you. So I'm thinkin'… Tobias must've been…my age about? I'm just guessing—I don't know how old that fucker is. Anyway, he meets my mum and gets her knocked up but doesn't know it. There you have me. Tobias is there for a bit after finding out I exist, gets bored, sleeps around some more until he finds your mum, shags her a bit, knocks her up but feels like he should settle down. Settles down, but not really, and fucks up yet another would-be family." Severus watched her, feeling lost. He had the feeling that like Lucius, she simply liked hearing herself speak. "Does he still sleep around?"
"No idea," Severus answered, with only a basic understanding of what she meant. "I don't see much of him. He's always saying he has things to do in other places. Or just leaving," Severus said. He hated his father more and more by the second.
"Hah. HAH HAH HAH. Obviously he does," Abbigale said. "What I can't work out is why any woman would want to fuck him. I mean, sure, he's got the whole I'm-an-asshole look going for him, but he's truly a right prick. Honestly, I guess I'm lucky he picked to live with your mum. Last time I saw him was when I was eleven. He came back for awhile, said he was going to make things right. He called me a little bitch. I called him a dick head. He didn't like that too well."
Severus snickered. "You called him that? Wow… What'd he say?" He was slightly impressed with this Muggle girl. Not only was she interesting, she'd stood up to the person he hated the most in the entire world. When she was eleven.
"Not much," she said, pulling up her right sleeve. There were faded red lines all over it. "From stitches," she explained. "Mum made me say I fell into the dishwasher onto a rack of knives."
"What really happened?" Severus asked, thinking of his array of scars and bruises.
Abbigale narrowed her eyes and looked at him. "I don't want to scare you."
"Nothing scares me much," he said.
She smiled, almost sorrowfully. "I'm sure it doesn't," she said. She sounded sincere. "Okay. I'll tell you. He threw me hard across the kitchen, but he wasn't really aiming to hurt me this bad, I know it because of his reaction. He was drunk as always—" Severus nodded—"and so he throws me, right? And he throws me so hard I fly out from the kitchen and land right smack on top of the glass coffee table. It was wild, Severus, there was glass everywhere. It would have been cool but it hurt like hell. I felt pretty special in school though. Everyone really wanted to talk to me all of a sudden. They felt sorry for me, y'know." Abbigale looked up, a triumphant expression on her face as though she'd thought of her happiest memory.
Severus felt a little uncomfortable for no real good reason, and so he was silent, watching as she gazed up at the ceiling. Her happy smile faded into a thoughtful frown. "Where's my mum?" Severus asked, breaking the silence.
"She was working all night so she's taking a nap. Is she a junky? She seems a little off," Abbigale said, getting up and opening the fridge, rummaging through the contents.
"What's a junky?" Severus wanted to know, watching her.
Abbigale threw him a little look and then went back to the fridge. "Someone who's always doing drugs. Heroin-type shit. I don't touch that stuff. I'm a soft drug user. Only cocaine, LSD, 'shrooms, pills and pot for me."
"I don't think my mum's a junky, then. I don't think she does any of that stuff," Severus said. The way she listed off all the drugs she used seemed like she was talking about her favorite sweets at Honeydukes. Severus had heard of some of them in passing, but not really. He knew they were things that weren't for kids, really. When Dad put on the telly, sometimes there would be sad movies where parents came home to their kids who had mistakenly swallowed some sort of bad medicine and there was a lesson at the end about locking the cabinets and lots of tears. Severus wondered if it was like that. He didn't want to ask too many questions because he did not want to sound ignorant. The woman with the raspy voice on the record was singing about how she hoped her lover knew he was only a one-night stand.
"She drinks though, huh? Unless these are Tobias' leftovers. I doubt it, though. You'd have to drink to be married to that asshole," Abbigale said, pausing in pawing through the freezer and holding up a half-empty bottle of vodka. She opened it, took a swig and made a face. He crossed his arms, annoyed. "Severus?" she asked, indicating the bottle.
"No way." He wrinkled his nose. "I won't drink."
"HA!" she said. "You're not some kind of square, are you? Have you even ever tried it? Might as well start now."
Severus shook his head solidly, his hair swinging around his face. "I won't like it."
"That's not the problem," she told him. "You'd probably love it. Remember that sometime when you have something you wanna forget about." She took another drink. "Well. Fuck this. Your mum obviously don't eat. Come on, I'm taking you out."
"Out where? I'm not hungry. I ate at my friend's. I can stay here," Severus said reproachfully.
"You just met me and you're trying to shake me? We have some serious bonding to make up for," she wheezed. "Come on, Severus. We're going."
Reluctantly, he let Poe out and followed Abbigale to her old car, shivering in his thin shirt in the freezing air. The car wouldn't start for a good five minutes, and Abbigale cussed loudly, slamming her fist on the dashboard. Finally, the engine purred like it had ingested gravel, and she flew out backward into the road, crashing into the neighbors' garbage cans. She laughed and peeled out into the darkness. She struggled to get a cassette tape in the player and swerved off into the road, so Severus grabbed it from her and stuck it in. Rock music blasted from her horrible speakers. A wailing, desperate man was screaming and a guitar played.
"I'D INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIENDS TONIGHT," she shouted, "BUT I'M NOT SURE IF THEY'D KNOW HOW TO ACT AROUND A KID!" She slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting a stray dog, and Severus held onto his seat, agitated.
"Are you sure you know how to drive?" he asked.
She laughed loudly. "YOU ARE SUCH A LITTLE SHIT," she yelled, and ran a red light. Cars around them honked their horns. Finally, they shot into a parking spot outside a little diner on the outskirts of town. "I'm fucking starving," she announced. He followed her inside, aware of the stares they were getting from the other customers, who happened to all be elderly people. He wondered if the looks were for the both of them or just her. He figured they both looked a right mess, though he had absolutely no holes in the crotch or bottom of his jeans to speak of. Abbigale slid into a booth and Severus sat across from her. She asked for onion rings, a strawberry shake and a cheeseburger, and winked at the waiter when she asked for extra pickles. Severus said he didn't want anything, but she ordered him a chocolate shake anyway.
"So what do you do for fun, Severus?" Abbigale asked after they'd ordered, drumming her hands on the table. It seemed to him that she was not able to sit still. Every second, she would look behind her, pick at her arm, brush her fingers through her hair, or adjust her black jacket.
"I don't really like fun," he said seriously. "I like school stuff."
Abbigale made a face. "School stuff? Are you some kind of nerd? You don't look like it."
"Some people at my school call me one. But I dunno. I like inventing things, I guess," Severus said, wishing he could explain that he was into dark magic, dueling and trying to learn to interpret peoples' thoughts. He wished he knew Legilimency right now. He wanted to know what Abbigale was thinking as she peered at him from across the table. He wanted to know what he did look like, if not a nerd.
"That's cool. I wish I had been better in school. Dropped out when I was fifteen." She took out her lighter, flicked it on, and waved her hand over it. "What's your mum do? She didn't tell me."
"I really don't know," said Severus honestly, watching her intently as she played with the lighter, "she's quiet."
"She looks like a witch," Abbigale said.
Severus stared at her. "What?"
Abbigale grinned, showing crooked teeth that made it appear that she had fangs. "Only joking. Take it easy. It's something about her weird ass clothes. Plus when I came in, she started putting away all these spices into the cupboard, they looked like ingredients for some kind of poison. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble," she said and broke out laughing. A couple in the booth across the way whispered between themselves, looking at her skeptically.
"Oh," Severus said and managed a weak smile. "Right, yeah. A witch."
"You're weird," Abbigale said, after a few moments of silence. "But then again, so I am. I bet we were both dropped on our heads or some crazy shit when we were little. It would explain a lot to me!" She banged on the table again and scratched her arm. After a few more minutes, their food showed up, which Severus was thankful for. He was afraid she would ask him more about himself. He was an accomplished liar, but there was only so much he could lie about until it got ridiculous. He did not want to make details up about school, especially, as that could get sticky and simply would not be worth it. Sister or not, Severus wasn't counting on Abbigale to be a part of his life. She devoured her food, moaning and sighing over the burger and dipping the onion rings into her shake. Severus sipped his chocolate shake and watched her curiously. "Here," she said, pushing him the rest of her onion rings, "you look like you need these. Honestly, you look as anorexic as your mum does. You're a teenage boy. Eat them."
"I don't like eating too much," Severus said thoughtfully, "but I'm not whatever you said. I don't even know what that is." He took a small bite of an onion ring, studied it, considered whether or not he liked it, and then continued to eat it. It was better than he thought it was going to be.
"It's the least I can do," she said, finishing her shake and leaning back in the booth. "Are you ready to get going?" she asked suddenly, after their waiter walked into the kitchen. Severus nodded and Abbigale suddenly stood up. "Come on, then! We're getting out of here. Run!" Severus had no time to think, because she reached over and grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him out of the booth with her. She ran out of the door and, not knowing what else to do, he ran after her. Behind them, Severus heard the waiter calling angrily, but they were all ready to the car. Abbigale started it up and it made an awful sound like a dying horse. She threw open the passenger's door, Severus jumped in, and she gunned the engine. The car flew forward, and smashed into the cement barricade. "Oh fuck!" she rasped, put it in reverse, pulled out, adjusted, and sped away.
"Holy shit," Severus said. "Are you insane?"
Abbigale laughed. "Fuck yeah!" She turned on the cassette player, and the same tape blared loudly. "Been dazed and confused for so long it ain't true," crooned the man mournfully, "I wanted a woman,never bargained for you."
Severus had no idea whether to be angry or amused. Abbigale was testing his limits. He certainly disapproved of her in general but he was so taken aback by her that she was intriguing enough, like a character in a book. He was somewhat maddened about this extremely anti-academic Muggle girl. If she wasn't his sister and if he didn't want to know more about his father, he would have been much less inclined to hang around her, let alone even be cordial to her.
They shot into the driveway of the Spinner's End house, and she rummaged through her coat pockets. She dug out a cigarette and lit it, breathing in and then exhaling. They sat in silence, which Severus appreciated. She was beginning to make him quite nervous and so he appreciated the quiet. Abbigale held out the cigarette to him, and he gave her a skeptical look. She shrugged and took another long drag. Finally, they both got out and went inside. Abbigale said she was fine on the couch, and after taking another drink of the vodka, she set it on the coffee table, gave Severus a hug and immediately passed out. Severus was exhausted as well, and after looking at the clock in the kitchen, he realized it was nearly one AM.
Severus eyed the vodka, wondering what would happen to him if he tried it. He imagined that after a few sips he would be kicking things and screaming, like his father acted. Abbigale wasn't acting like that, though. Severus debated whether or not he should try some—just a little bit. After all, he'd tested awful potions before in class that were dangerous. Severus had always been very firm about what he believed in. He prided himself in being the least gullible person he knew of. However, he was also very inquisitive. It may have been something about his exhaustion, or the fact that he thought Abbigale was unique, or perhaps he wanted to prove something to himself, but Severus grabbed the bottle of vodka and took what he soon realized was a very large swallow. He had thought vodka would go down exactly like water. He was very wrong.
He gulped it and winced, wholly disgusted. It was by far one of the worst things he'd ever tasted in his entire life. It was strong, bitter, and simply revolting. It reminded him of the time James Potter had ruined an entire cauldron full of a fungus-removing liquid and the entire thing had festered and splashed all over the classroom, creating a haze of smelly, vinegary smoke. Severus swallowed several times and finally ended up getting a glass of water and drinking it to try and rid himself of the terrible taste. He went to his room and sat up in bed, patiently waiting for the transformation of normal Severus into drunk and violent Severus. It never happened. So there wasmerit to this experiment, after all. Alcohol tasted revolting, he decided, but it wasn't going to change anything. Slightly nauseous from the taste, he drifted off to sleep and dreamt of many bizarre things, including holding Lily's hand, and crashing a car into a white ocean.
Lily had decided to keep up her goal of trying to regain Petunia's trust. After Severus had gone home, Lily had visited Petunia's room and listened to a synopsis of Petunia's chemistry presentation. Rather than thinking her sister was boring, as she had last summer, Lily realized how smart Petunia was. Although it was like Petunia was speaking another language, Lily would rather hear her talk about numbers and science than her gossip magazines any day. It was the side of Petunia that Lily had always admired—responsible and unyielding, so unlike Lily, who still saw herself as more of an individualistic sort of girl. Lily loved school, yes, but lacked Petunia's overly serious way of talking about her studies. Petunia seemed to be uncomfortable with how Lily was acting at first, but the next day, she smiled at Lily at the breakfast table and asked her how she'd slept. Their parents exchanged glances but said nothing. Lily could tell they were as amazed as she was.
"I like your haircut, Tuney," Lily told her sister as they were cleaning up the breakfast dishes. Petunia was washing and Lily was drying and for the first time in years, Petunia did not thrust the dishes at Lily, she handedthem to her. Petunia gave her a small smile. Lily was going out on a limb, though she did not say so. It was less that it was a good haircut and more that it was a relief to Lily she'd grown out the awful short swing-do. Her blonde hair was now approaching shoulder-length again, and Petunia had stopped putting ridiculous bows in it.
"Thank you," Petunia said quietly and Lily noticed that she blushed. Though they did not say much to each other, it was all ready a much more pleasant break than they'd had in awhile. When Petunia's friends came over that day, Lily was invited to have tea with them. They looked at her strangely, and spoke about things Lily had no interest in, but it was better than hearing Petunia refer to her as "the freak". Petunia's friends were highly ordinary girls. Posh Tabitha rode horses and wore her hair in braids, loud Marcella chewed gum and wore expensive jewelry because her father traded stocks, and quiet Helen liked to read romance novels and never smiled. When they talked about boys, they all whispered as though they were being inappropriate. When Mother and Father left the room, the girls all eyed each other excitedly.
"Tabby swears that Bobby was looking at her in maths," Marcella burst out, and Tabitha turned scarlet, putting down the cookie she was nibbling.
"Marcella, don't!" she said.
Helen frowned. "Bobby's awful," she said. "He's got great boils all over his nose."
"I hate him!" Tabitha affirmed, nodding.
"That's not what you said to me," Petunia scoffed. "You said you thought he was nice—"
"I didn't!" Tabitha said, crossing her arms. "None of you know anything!"
"What about you, Lily?" Marcella asked. "Petunia says your best friend is a boy."
Lily looked at Petunia who shrugged meekly. "Sort of," Lily replied. "I have a girl best friend, too—"
"Is that boy your boyfriend?" Marcella pressed.
"No," Lily replied quickly.
"Do youhave a boyfriend?"
Lily shrunk uncomfortably. "Well, no," she said, unaware of the right answer. "An older boy was going to ask me out, but he was acting really big and I wasn't interested—"
"An older boy?" snapped Marcella. "How old?"
"Fifteen, I think," Lily said and the girls gasped. Petunia did nothing but spin her teacup around on its saucer. She looked uncomfortable.
"Wow," said Tabitha. "That's so cool! And you said no?"
Lily nodded, though that wasn't exactly what had happened with Belby, not in the least. The girls were impressed by the story.
"You're so pretty," said Helen. "I like your clothes."
"I love your hair," Tabitha said. "It's such a nice color."
Marcella looked from Lily to Petunia. "You two really don't even look related," she exclaimed. The other girls babbled in agreement about how hard it was to believe that Lily and Petunia were sisters. Uneasily, Lily shot a sideways glance at Petunia. Her sister was fingering her own hair and looking down at the table, avoiding eye contact with everyone.
After the girls went home, Lily asked Petunia if she'd liked to play a game of checkers but Petunia said stuffily that she had an awful lot of work to do. Feeling that the situation was slightly unfair, Lily watched television instead. An American woman named Gloria Steinem was being interviewed. She was referring to herself as a feminist, a word Lily had never heard before, though she'd heard her mother speak on the concepts during her women's group that still met every once in awhile. Apparently, Steinem was working for "women's rights", and kept referring to "women's liberation". She went on to speak about how she felt women should get the same pay as men, and work the same jobs, and that women suffered from mental problems sometimes that could only be explained through "sexism". She was arguing that a woman's place was not in the home, and that a woman should not have to choose between marriage and a career.
"Are you interested in this?" asked Lily's mother, breaking her concentration. She had entered the room and sat on the other couch, and Lily had not even noticed.
Lily looked away momentarily from the television, nodded, and looked back at it.
"I've got a few books you may want to read," Mother said, gazing at Lily with a small smile. "It would figure you'd want to be a little activist. I believe in most of it, I just don't really have use for a lot of it." That confused Lily, but she chose not to ask what her mother meant by it. "I have one of her books, and I've got one by Betty Friedan—they may be a bit dry for you, but honestly I'm happy you're interested…"
She gave Lily the books that day, and Lily started reading them at once. The language may have been dry, but the subject matter was highly interesting to Lily, who had read a good chunk of The Feminine Mystique by supper. She understood most of the words, and those she did not, she looked up in the family's dictionary. She had an excited feeling, like she'd just found something dear that was missing.
That Sunday, Severus woke up and remembered that he had spent the evening with his sister. It seemed like make believe, but after he'd changed out of his pajamas into some Muggle clothing and entered the living room, she was still there, as real as he was. She was splayed out on the couch, her hair ratty, with a cigarette sticking out of her mouth.
"Morning," she said groggily. "Your mum's up. She's in the kitchen, making coffee. God bless her. Hah hah hah." She hacked and cleared her throat.
Severus crossed into the kitchen, and sure enough, there was his mother. He greeted her quietly, and she turned around and squinted like she didn't recognize him.
"Severus," she said finally, "you look so much older."
He stared back at her. "Oh," he said, unsure of what else to say and slightly humiliated. It was a curious thing that grown-ups did. In his opinion, he just looked like himself. "Mum. Did you know about…" He trailed off and nodded his head toward the living room.
Mum turned away from the coffee machine which was sputtering loudly. She shook her head. "I had no idea—"
"Baby brother and I had a bonding experience last night. It was totally groovy," Abbigale said, stepping into the kitchen and brandishing the vodka. She messed up Severus' hair. He glared at her and she laughed loudly. "Yeah, your mum and I were just discussing the fact that Tobias never mentioned my name right before you got up. I'm trying to convince her that Tobias is a dirty scumbag. Mind if I smoke, Eileen?"
Mum made a small shrugging gesture that Severus knew from experience meant she cared a bit but was not about to say so. He dropped into a chair at the kitchen table, and pet Poe, who was back in her cage nibbling her food. Abbigale lit her cigarette and grinned at Mum, who began handing out cups of coffee.
"Letting your kid have an owl, that's insanely cool," Abbigale laughed, sitting next to Severus and pouring vodka into her coffee mug. "I'll definitely lift some more booze for you, too, Eileen. I'm not a bad house guest," she said in response to Mum giving her a look-over.
Mum did not seem too phased, because she sat down across from them and stirred sugar into her coffee, looking deep in thought. After a moment, she wordlessly grabbed the vodka and added a bit of it to hers as well. Severus observed her, and wondered if this meant she was stressed about Dad having another family. He hoped that Abbigale would be able to convince her that Dad was scum. Then maybe Dad would never come back. He recalled tasting the vodka last night and wondered if he should be feeling different today somehow. In a way, he did. He felt experienced.
"He's smart," Abbigale said, indicating Severus. "Says he loves school and shit. You've raised a good kid, Eileen." Her tone made her sound like an approving grown-up, a peer of Severus' mum's, not a teenage girl. It made Severus feel young, and so he sent her another disparaging look and drank his coffee.
Mum shrugged again, the same meek gesture as before. "School was all I liked when I was his age," she said. Severus looked up at her, wondering how she'd been at Hogwarts.
"Bunch of weirdos," Abbigale said lightly, taking a gulp of coffee and then adding several spoonfuls of sugar. "Fucking strong brew, Eileen." Severus couldn't help but think of Lily. He thought about what she had done on the first day of break, and hoped that perhaps for the first time, he had more interesting news than she did. Even if it wasn't a trip to London or out to some shopping centre.
Mum did not laugh or smile, she simply took another sip of her spiked coffee. Even more, Severus wanted to know what she was feeling. He reckoned he did not even know how he felt. He despised his father even more now, the abusive sodding drunkard. Two families in different places, maybe more? Throwing Abbigale at a glass coffee table like she was nothing… all those scars. The time he'd strangled Mum… Beating Severus so many times, that evil grin on his angular face…
I wonder what it would feel like to kill him, Severus thought suddenly. He figured he would feel powerful and accomplished—like he'd really done something good. During Lily's scary story phase when they were ten years old, she'd read him a story called The Telltale Heart (the author's name was Poe, which was where he got the idea of what to name his owl). In the story, a young man killed an older man and hid his chopped up corpse underneath the floorboards. The police came round because a neighbor had heard the old man's screams, and they were doing a simple investigation on the noise complaint. The young man lied flawlessly, and even entertained the policemen for some time. But soon, he began to hear the old man's heart beating underneath the floorboards. It beat so loudly that he knew the policemen could hear it too, and he was convinced they knew he'd killed the man, and were waiting for his confession. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and burst out that the body was underneath the floor and that he'd committed the crime. That story had stuck with Severus because he often wondered whether he'd actually care very much if he killed someone. He figured that since he was good at lying, he could probably fool just about everybody. And being a wizard, he had it easy. The simple avada kedavra would do the trick, and there would be no fingerprints and no blood. Besides, who would give a shit if Tobias Snape wound up dead?
"Severus," Abbigale was saying, "Severus, get that dazed look off your face. You're coming with me."
He snapped back to attention to see both his mother and sister staring at him. "Wait… Where do I have to go?" he asked in a low voice.
"I have to get out of Cokeworth tonight after I find all my mates. You're going to come with me to the park and meet them."
Severus shook his head. "I don't think so," he said briskly. Hanging out with Abbigale alone had been vexing enough.
"It's not a choice, Severus. I mean, how often do you meet long lost sisters?" She winked at him and exhaled smoke. And really, he couldn't argue with that.
Abbigale gave Mum a hug, grabbed the vodka and her cigarettes and headed out the door, Severus on her trail. "Your mum's a freak, but she's sweet," said Abbigale loudly. "I can see the resemblance between you two, ya know? In the way you act," she clarified. "Your face, it's totally Tobias'—" she went to pat his cheek and he pushed her away, furrowing his brow.
"DON'T!" he yelled, and she narrowed her eyes at him, smirking. "I DO NOT look like him!"
"Touchy," she said, and took a swig of the vodka. "Look. I know I look like him, too. I don't like it, but there you have it. You don't have to go all asshole on me."
"I fucking hate him," Severus said, grinding his teeth, quickening his pace. "I do not look like him. You don't know anything!" Stupid fucking Muggle,he thought, incensed, what do you know, anyway? I'm not like him, not at all!
Abbigale raised her eyebrow at him. "Suit yourself," she said. "I didn't mean to get you all angry. Let's forget about it."
"Fine. But I don't," Severus snapped. "And I don't like you calling my mum a freak, either. What'd she ever do to you anyway? She let you sleep on our couch, didn't she? She could have slammed the door in your face."
"I'm rather used to people being right fuckheads," said Abbigale coolly. "You don't have to tell me what she could have done. I know not just any woman would be as cool toward her husband's daughter from another relationship. I know that. I all ready thanked her a million times. You know, you're pretty fucking jaded for a little kid."
"I'm not a little kid," Severus said, stuffing his hands in his trouser pockets. Snow had begun to fall and it was getting very cold outside. It made white speckles in Abbigale's hair and dotted the asphalt ground like table salt.
She lit up a cigarette and gave him a wry smile. "Right," she said, as they rounded the corner and entered the park. It was fairly empty, save for a few small children playing on the swings with their parents. Abbigale leaned against the slide, puffing out smoke. "They must be off for bit. Ah, well, we can wait…"
"Maybe you can wait. I should go," Severus said.
Abbigale grabbed him by his shirt sleeve. "Honestly. Stop being such a dick. I'm trying to create some memories. So just be cool."
Is 'cool' her word to describe everything? he wondered, scowling and trying to keep from shivering. Be cool, be cool.For God's sake! Severus wanted to tell her he didn't know how, but he didn't want to paint too pathetic a portrait of himself. She knew nothing about him, so he could let her think he was anything he wanted. "Who are your mates, anyway?" he asked, after a few moments of silence. He may as well attempt to speak to her, even if she was barking mad. She was right—she was his half sister who he'd never met, and this was therefore a very rare occasion. And besides, it sure didn't seem as if she was going to let him leave.
She re-lit her cigarette and looked pleased he'd asked her a question. "There's Roxy, Henry, Robby, David and Seth. They're all old friends I've had since high school. Henry is a mechanic. He isn't really my boyfriend, but we fuck sometimes. I used to date Seth and now he and Roxy are seeing each other, I set them up. Roxy's my best friend since primary school, David's kind of a knobhead and Robby plays music and… there you have it. Roxy won't be here today. She said she had to be off to London again for her abortion. I told her if they lead her to an alley, that she should fucking run. Hah hah hah."
Severus raised his eyebrows. There was that word: abortion.She seemed to catch his gaze and blew out smoke.
"You know what that is, right?"
Severus shrugged. "Sort of," he said, trying to be sly. He didn't want to let on he didn't, and also wanted her to tell him exactly what it was.
"It's like, this way to get rid of a baby, or whatever a baby is before it's a baby—so you don't get pregnant. They sort of suck it out like a vacuum and throw it away. I've never had one, but I went with my mate Suzanne when we were in school. That was awhile ago, and I was super high when she did it. Otherwise, I think I would've freaked out. I remember thinking of it as a toy shop with all kinds of doll parts little girls didn't need anymore. Arms and legs and googly eyes," Abbigale said carelessly, putting out the cigarette on her arm. Severus shivered despite himself. So that's what his father wanted Mum to do. His father would have wanted him to not exist. Severus wondered if maybe not existing would be so bad.
"What about you? Who are your friends?" Abbigale asked after a few minutes of tense quiet, spitting on the ground. "Does anyone your age even live in this place? All I've seen is fucking babies and old people and poshy mums."
"Sure," Severus said, nodding, trying to shake his previous thoughts. "A fair few. But I don't like most people around here. Most of my friends are at school—" he said, and then paused, wondering who he really counted as a friend. Lily, of course. Then obviously Lucius and maybe sometimes Regulus and Narcissa (at least, he counted Narcissa—he wasn't certain how she felt about him ,however). He might throw in Mulciber, Avery and Rosier to sound like he ran with a bigger crowd, but he was still unclear as to how much they thought of him a as a friend. He didn't quite like them, but he was beginning to want them to like him. It was an embarrassing feeling that had only begun to recently develop, and he wished he could stop it.
"Ahem! Excuse me! Young woman! Young woman," came a shrill voice from the play set that bit Severus harder than the cold. A mother he'd seen around Lily's neighborhood was making her way toward he and his sister, flecks of snow dotting her black fur coat.
"What?" Abbigale asked, instantly changing her tone to an unpleasant bark.
The woman seemed to draw back, but her yappy little voice carried over to them across the chilly air. "Young woman, you shouldn't be smoking… or drinking… in this park! It's a public place!"
"And what's your point?" Abbigale asked bluntly. Their accents sounded funny against each other.
"My point? My point?" The woman seemed in danger of toppling over. "Children play here, young lady! Not to mention, public intoxication is not—"
"I'm not intoxicated. Not yet! And children don't ever seem to mind me smoking or drinking," Abbigale said, indicating Severus. He blushed, angry at once again being referred to as a child.
But the mother bristled, staring at Severus coldly. "That young man is no different than you. Tatty, Spinner's End scum—"
"Oi! Who're you calling scum, you jumped up bitch?" yelled a man's voice. Severus, filled with fury and humiliation from the woman's comment (he'd seen her around since he was a small child, and that was what she thought of him?), turned to see who had spoken. A gang of several very hardened looking young men had stepped in next to Abbigale.
"Yeah!" Abbigale shouted. 'That's me little brother you're talking about. You want to talk shit about me, then you go right ahead. But don't you dare talk about him!"
"Little brother?" asked the bloke who had spoken up, and sent Severus a friendly wave. "How do you do?"
The woman looked at them all and shrunk back. "Fine!" she was screeching as she left. "Threaten me with your violence! I'll be phoning the police!"
"We'll be leaving anyway!" spoke up a second bloke, laughing. "Do what you want. We ain't afraid of no coppers."
As the woman made for the street, Abbigale and the blokes all broke up into loud, hacking gaffaws. "Severus, hahhahhah," Abbigale began, clutching her stomach, "Severus, these are the blokes I was telling you about—Henry, Seth, David and Robby. This is my new baby brother Severus—"
The one who had spoken first had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and slitted eyes. He wore a shirt with yet another Muggle band Severus had not heard of, T REX. "Severus?" he chortled, tapping a pack of cigarettes on his arm. "What kind of drugs made your mum and dad think of that name? I'm David."
"'lo Severus, I'm Henry," said the other who had spoken, the one Abbigale had said she "fucked" sometimes. He shook Severus' hand, and his hands were very worn and dirty. He had sad, large eyes and a shock of black curly hair, and cinnamon colored skin. His shirt didn't say anything, but he was wearing a jean vest that was covered in rips and tears. He also wasn't wearing any shoes. Severus was suddenly thankful for the fact he had no winter coat. He actually was fitting in sort of well in this group, at least as far as clothing was concerned.
"Seth" was wearing a Sid Vicious shirt and black boots, and laughed a lot and "Robby" had the most facial hair Severus had ever seen on a human being. He was slightly jealous. They took turns taking swigs from the vodka as Severus watched, and Abbigale reenacted going to meet Severus and his mum.
"No shit," said Henry quietly. "So Tobias is worse than you thought?"
"Way, way worse. I'm goin' between what to tell Mum when I visit. I don't know if she'd want to know he's got a completely different family… I mean, she knew he was playing her for a fool but I think she liked it better when she thought he was just shagging everybody," Abbigale shrugged. They'd moved underneath the slide, where the snow hadn't yet hit and the gravel on the ground was surprisingly dry.
"What do you do, Severus?" asked Robby.
"Not much," Severus said, but Abbigale interrupted him.
"He's a genius. He's brilliant at school," she said, and nudged his foot with her own.
"Not a genius," he said back instantly, but felt a little smug.
"Far out," said Seth. Abbigale and her friends talked more, about where they were going next, and music, and politics. They didn't seem exactly intelligent, but they were the best Muggles he'd ever met—or at the very least, the most fascinating. When David handed out cigarettes, Abbigale stopped him when he got to Severus. "He doesn't smoke," she said, but Severus reached out his hand. It was something about the cold, and being constantly referred to as a kid, something about impressing his sister and her friends. He took a long white cigarette, managed to light it and inhaled. Abbigale watched him, as if waiting for him to make an arse of himself. He didn't. When he breathed out, he barely coughed. He'd even impressed himself.
David and Robby messed around a bit on the monkey bars while Abbigale and Henry snogged and Seth sat back against the slide and wrote in a small notebook. Severus watched his sister and Henry, the way Henry wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed her bottom and how they snogged with their mouths open, their tongues ensnared. He smoked his cigarette until the filter ran out and the ash burned his fingers, a shock compared to how cold it was. When David asked if he wanted another, he said yes. He wasn't sure if he liked the way the cigarette tasted, but he liked that it warmed up his mouth and his hands. It felt pleasant. He was halfway through it when Abbigale's laugh rang out.
"Pishy-poshy," she said, indicating a group of girls about Severus' age who were walking through the park on the opposite side, wearing expensive winter coats. Several of them were staring in horror at her. Inhaling, Severus realized that one of those girls was Petunia. And following close behind the girls was Lily. She noticed him just about the same second he noticed her. He exhaled smoke, his eyes widening.
"Severus!" Lily exclaimed, straining to see. "Is that you?"
"Lily… don't," Petunia called out, and the girls that were with her chattered in interest.
Abbigale turned to Severus. "You know that girl?"
Severus nodded, and without thinking, he said, "She's sort of my girlfriend."
"Thatgirl?" Abbigale shot him a widened-eyed glance as her friends gave catcalls. Lily was crossing toward them, her red hair standing out like holly berries in the now quickly falling snow. Severus' stomach was doing somersaults. When Lily approached them, she was looking around smiling. Leave it to Lily to be completely unfazed.
"Hello," she said pleasantly. "Hi, Severus."
"Hey Lily," he said, even more aware of the cigarette he was smoking. He flicked some ash onto the ground and watched as Lily's eyes followed it, the little fiery crumbles disappearing into the layer of snow on the ground.
Abbigale stuck out her hand. "Lily. Good to meet you. I'm Severus' long lost sister. We only just met—"
Lily's eyes widened a bit, her smile quivering in what appeared to be disbelief. "Really?" she asked, and looked to Severus. He nodded.
"Yea'," Severus said shortly, and Lily shook Abbigale's hand and then each of her friends' hands in turn. Lily looked so different from all of them, so pretty and clean. Petunia and her mates watched from across the park. It seemed like Abbigale was about to start explaining exactly how she and Severus had met, but at that moment, a police car drove up to the curb.
"Oy," a policeman said as he stepped out, eying the group warily. "Got a complaint you lot have been loitering and smoking cigarettes—it's not allowed on this property, you need to be off.. This is a private neighborhood!"
"Everywhere's private," said Henry. "You don't want us anywhere. Just say so. We're off, anyway—"
"Move it," said the cop. "I don't need to hear your jabber. Just clear out!"
"Lily!" shouted Petunia from across the park.
Severus tossed his fag into the gravel and stepped on it, as Henry and David began to banter with the policeman, spouting off facts about cop brutality. Abbigale seized Severus and wrapped him in a hug. "We'd better be going," she said in his ear. "It was real, Severus. Maybe we'll run into each other again, okay?"
"Okay," Severus said quietly, nodding into her hair. He'd never recalled a family member hugging him like this as far as he could remember. Right when he was getting used to her, she was leaving, just like he'd guessed she would.
"Lily's precious," Abbigale whispered. "She looks like she can handle her shit. You treat her good or I'll come back and beat your ass. Hah hah hah." She reached into her pocket and took something out, then grabbed Severus in a second embrace. She reached around behind him and at first, he thought she was touching his bottom. But she was slipping something into his back trouser pocket. Abbigale threw a glance behind her, where the copper was shouting at David, who was shaking his rear. "Here, take this," she said, and shoved the vodka in the crook of Severus' arm. She gave Lily a hug too, and then ran off. Her mates followed after her, whooping and yelling, their voices strangely loud, echoing in the snow.
The policeman waved his fist at them and then jumped back in his car, speeding off down the lane, apparently deeming that Severus and Lily were not a threat.
Lily turned to Severus with a thousand questions in her eyes, but Petunia was screaming to her:
"GET BACK OVER HERE!"
"I'd better—" Lily said, indicating her sister, "she'll tell Mother and Father all kinds of things if I don't. But—tonight? The clearing?"
Severus' heart was pounding with excitement. "What time?"
"Eight," Lily said. "Be there, okay? I want to hear everything!" Her eyes glittered with curiosity, and she bid him one more look-over before running back to her sister.
Severus watched her, wondering how she'd react to all his news. He patted his back pocket, and emptied it. In his hand was a pack of Pall Malls and... He read the package… a condom. He had to admit to himself that while walking home only carrying a pack of cigarettes, a condom and a bottle of vodka, in Abbigale's words, it was the coolest he'd ever felt in his life.
"You wally! It's freezing!" Lily grinned when she arrived in the woods, for Severus was there all ready and was only wearing the short-sleeved black T-shirt he'd had on earlier. She, on the other hand, was in her new coat (an early Christmas present from her Mother) and carrying a thick blanket.
"No, it isn't," Severus said, and crossed his arms over his chest. Unlike earlier, he wasn't smoking. Lily was sort of disappointed. It had been such an interesting thing to walk in on, Severus with the supposed gang of hoodlums her mother had described the first day of break, smoking cigarettes and then getting yelled at by a policeman. And, Severus with a sister! She'd looked so much like him, too. So far, this break was much different than others in the past.
Lily approached him. He was leaning against the large Hemlock he used to climb in when they were small. In the crook of the tree was a slight indent, a curved hollow where you could sit on the roots and nestle into the bark. There were usually bugs, but Lily hoped it would be too cold for them. "Move over, you," she said, and sat beside him. "Blanket?" she asked, her cheeks a bit flushed. She wasn't certain if it was from the cold.
"No, I told you… I'm fine. I don' t need it."
"Suit yourself," Lily said, slightly disappointed. She bundled up, leaning against the tree. "You're going to catch a cold," she said playfully.
"You can't catch colds. They're not like snitches," Severus retorted, looking at the blanket. He seemed to be thinking something, and then leaned back beside her, his shoulder barely touching hers. She felt her knees do that unfortunate wobbly-thing. "Good to see you," he said.
She blushed and this time she knew it wasn't the weather. "It's only been two days or so—anyway, I want to know about your sister! How did you meet her? And how has your break been?"
Severus closed his eyes, smiling a bit. He looked calmer than usual, more composed. "A bit mad, really," he said. "Her name's Abbigale—well, you met her. I met her when I got home from break. She was just sitting in my kitchen. She's got a different Mum, but Tobias is her dad, too—"
"Tobias? Oh, is that your father? I've never heard you use his name—"
"Yeah, that's his name. And he's right asshole. I've disowned him," Severus said, crossing one long leg over the other.
"You've what?" Lily was having a hard time keeping up. Severus even soundedslightly more confident. He was still talking in that same quiet, snippy voice, but he was talking boldly, almost like he had while telling her about Hogwarts when they'd first met.
Severus opened one eye to look at her and then quickly closed it. "Oh—it means he's not part of my family anymore. I completely renounced him. That means—"
"I know what renouncing something is."
"Well, I did," Severus said quickly. "I don't have a dad anymore, and I don't want one. I hope I never see him again. My mum is all I need. And Mum's starting to realize that Tobias is an asshole as well. I've decided I'm going to ask her all about Legilimency and Occlumency tomorrow. I also want to know about her family; she's never told me much about them, besides them being Purebloods. And—"
"Severus," Lily giggled, nudging him out of habit. "You're talking so fast—I think it's great you're going to try speaking more to your mum, though. I know you haven't gotten along with her so well—"
"She's much better than him," Severus said instantly. "I've just realized today how much more I'm like her, and I know it's because we're both magic. I mean, I've known that forever but I guess I never thought about it too much. I've never really felt like I was related to Tobias, anyway. I used to pretend I had a different dad. I'm thinking things are going to be different, now. Now that he's gone," Severus clarified quickly. "I just really want to know about my mum's side of the family—the Princes. That's her maiden name, Prince," he added. "Abbigale got me thinking about a lot of things. She was sort of annoying, but I think I like her."
"You sound…" Lily was about to say different ,but she was sure Severus would become offended for one reason or another. "Like you've had a good weekend," she put in.
"I wouldn't quite say that. It was interesting ,definitely," Severus told her, tapping his boot against the large root of the tree. "So what'd you think, seeing me today?"
Lily raised her eyebrow. Something was definitely up with her friend. "What does that mean? I was confused as to what you were doing at first. Tuney said your sister and her friends were the group of kids who've been hanging out in the park all week and making trouble. But they seemed nice enough to me. She also told my parents she saw you smoking—"
Severus' eyes got a little bigger but then he closed them again. "That's okay. They don't like me anyway—I'll just—"
"They like you fine!" Lily said, a bit strongly. "I've told you that. They didn't seem to believe her anyway. Besides, I wanted to know why you were smoking. When did that start?"
Severus gave a little shrug. "Today," he finally said.
Lily broke up laughing. "You're ridiculous!" she giggled.
"No, I'm not! I'm not ridiculous!" He looked indignant. "So, what do your parents think?"
"What do you mean, what did they think? I just told you, they thought Tuney was lying. I've been trying to get along with her, but she's got a really big mouth. Yesterday, we almost got al ong but she made me hang around her friends and it was just awful. Today was the same. I don't quite know how to be Petunia's friend again—"
-"So don't," said Severus shortly. "It's like I told you, good luck. She's too annoying."
Lily sighed. Severus was definitely in one of his rarer moods, where he was feeling positive and therefore not up to meditating very hard on anything she told him, only up to prattling on about himself. She'd wanted to tell him all about the new concepts she was learning from Steinem and Friedan, but she wanted to impress him and she could all ready tell that right now was not the time. She'd discuss it with him after she'd mastered some of the ideas, she decided. That way, she could get him interested by spouting off some facts. She knew he would like that. Lily was slightly annoyed that he had better news than she did. She was excited for him and his new sister, but it was the first time since he'd stayed back at Hogwarts that she'd realized how much she depended on him needing her.
"So you're not addicted to smoking now are you?" Lily wanted to know. After all, that's all she'd seen of cigarettes on television and heard from her parents. They said it was a dirty, disgusting habit.
"It's not like that," Severus said confidently. "Anyway, it's not like I'm going to smoke all the time now. My sister did leave me some fags though. And this…" He stayed stationary for a moment as though debating something and then reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a little plastic package. He showed it to Lily who read the wrapper.
"A condom?" she giggled uncomfortably. Truth be told, she didn't really know what it was, just that it was somehow involved in the sexual, the inappropriate.
Severus nodded and stuck it back in his pocket. "I'm saving it," he said importantly.
Lily watched him. "How does it work?" she asked.
"It…" He furrowed his eyebrows. "It stops someone from getting pregnant."
"How?"
He seemed to be struggling to come up with an answer. "It… er…"
"You didn't even know that, Sev! You just read the package!"
"No!" he said scornfully. "I knew that! Everyone does!"
"Let me see it," Lily said.
"No."
"Let me!" she demanded, and without really thinking, she made a grab for his back pocket. "Oy!" he cried out, and fought her off with his arm. She laughed and tackled him, grabbing him around the shoulder with her own arm and trying to slip her hand into his pocket for the other. He pulled her hand off him and clasped it tightly. Lily tickled him and he squirmed, laughing. He moved forward in such a way that she was able to quickly stick her hand into his back pocket and grab the condom. She couldn't help but notice that his behind was very small and flat.
"No fair!" he protested, and tried to grab it back, but she was reading it quickly and slapping him away.
"Ninety nine percent effective against pregnancies and sexu—sexually transmitted diseases," she read. "Ha! You read it right here! And I bet you don't know how it works, either!"
"I know how it works," he said, sounding annoyed, and he snatched it away. He stuffed it back in his pocket.
"So when do you get to see your sister again?" Lily asked, trying to change the subject so that Severus wouldn't mope for too long.
He shrugged. "Maybe never. I think she has a lot of things to do. It's all right, though. She all ready helped me enough." He settled back on the tree, grazing Lily's shoulder with his elbow.
"Did you tell her about Hogwarts?" Lily wanted to know, and Severus shot her a disparaging look that instantly made her frown. "What? Don't look at me like that!"
"I couldn't tell her that!" Severus said dramatically. "She's a Muggle. She couldn't possibly get it. Imagine if she spread around about Mum and me—imagine if the neighborhood were to hear—"
"She's your sister, don't you think she would keep that a secret? And besides, it's not like anyone would believe her—"
"Doesn't matter whether she's my sister or not. It's like I said, I liked her all right, but she would probably act a lot different if she knew I was a wizard. Muggles don't know how to handle that stuff." At Lily's raised eyebrows, Severus went on. "And don't tell me about your parents, they're the exception, sure, but you know they don't really understand Hogwarts at all. Look at Petunia. That's usually what Muggles are like-"
"What are you afraid of, a witch hunt?" Lily joked.
"That's serious," Severus replied.
"Severus, where is this coming from? No one's going to come after your mum," Lily said firmly. "Have you been reading too many books for History of Magic?"
"No," he shot back. "Just thinking."
Lily rolled her eyes and folded her arms. "Well, you sound a little like Lucius, and it's sort of annoying."
"I do?" Severus asked, and she couldn't interpret his tone. He almost sounded glad. "I mean… I'm just thinking, that's all. I mean, sure, I'm half Muggle but I don't really feel like that at all."
"How can you not feel like it? It's the truth. You don't have to speak about your father or ever see him, but you're half-Muggle," Lily said.
Severus shook his head. "I mean, I hardly saw him growing up. Mum basically raised me. So I feel like I'm really all-wizard."
It was possibly one of the most asinine things Lily had heard Severus say. He was half-Muggle, and so he wasn'tall-wizard! She had no idea where these ideologies were coming from, or why he was choosing now to spout them off. "Severus," she said, "your Mum married your father. And so, she obviously isn't against Muggles—"
Severus turned toward her, looking highly offended. "I have to find out exactly why she went for him," he told her hotly. "Personally, I think it was a mistake."
"But Severus," Lily pleaded, "you're half-Muggle. Whichever way you look at it, he's your father—"
"Ugh," Severus moaned angrily, crossing his arms again. "You just don't understand."
"Can we stop arguing about this?" Lily wanted to know, locking eyes with him. His gaze softened. "I don't know how it even got started, but I don't like it. I'm not trying to annoy you. I'm just talking to you."
"You're not annoying me," he said instantly. "I don't want to talk about it anymore, either. I'll know more about what I mean when I talk to Mum. Then I'll explain it to you." He sighed, and shifted a bit. "God damn it," he said.
"What? Why are you cursing at me?" Lily snapped.
"I'm not," he said. "I just… Look away, all right?" Severus pushed himself up off the ground and walked around the tree. Lily instantly looked down, knowing from the experience of this happening many times over the years that he was fixing to have a pee. It was never a big deal. Lily had even tried to pee outside with him once, she remembered suddenly. They had been ten years old, and it hadn't gone very well for her. But now, it didn't seem like the old times. Lily recalled seeing Severus in this exact same spot last summer, wanking off. She'd seen his penis, more or less, but not up close. She had the sudden urge to peer around the tree, but she knew he'd react badly. At least, she figured he would.
She focused on the snowy ground, wrapping the blanket tighter around her chest as she listened to the familiar sounds of Severus unzipping his fly and urinating. Third year had been interesting so far. The Slug Club, growing closer to her fellow Gryffindor girls, standing up to Lucius, deepening her friendship with Remus, looking at porn with Severus, the talk of Occlumency, Hogsmede, these new ideas having to do with feminism… So much had changed, and Lily was voracious for even more changes. Cokeworth was boring, clearly too boring for her and Severus. She felt like it was swallowing them whole.
He was zipping up his trousers, and Lily's stomach felt like it was being dropped out of a five-story building. He headed back around the tree, pulling up his trousers a bit with one hand. "Bollocks," he said, "it's freezing!"
"Severus," she said before really thinking it all the way through, "your…er…your willy… Can I see it?"
A little crease appeared between his eyebrows. Lily felt her face get red. What was I thinking? What's wrong with me? Am I crazy? I just… want to know, she reasoned with herself. And really ,who else besides Severus would I ask?
"You… you really wanna?" he asked awkwardly, eying her suspiciously. "Why?"
"I don't know why!" she said, defensive, pulling the blanket around herself a bit tighter. It really wascold. "I just… you don't have to—I just…"
Severus looked down at the ground, shuffling his feet. Snow speckled his black hair and dotted his hooked nose. "Well… I mean… As long as you don't laugh," he said firmly, looking up to shoot her a gloomy stare.
Lily held up her hand. "I promise," she said softly, her heart racing.
"Right, so, just… I'll—" he fumbled impatiently with the front of his trousers, undoing the top button and pulling down the zipper to reveal black Y-fronts. Lily sucked in her breath. She'd seen it from afar, and she'd seen photographs, but never the real thing, close-up. Severus slowly tugged down his briefs, and readjusted himself with his hand. "It's really cold out," he told her, which she thought unnecessary since he'd said it before, but his tone was a bit urgent. He removed his hand.
Lily stared. There it was. Her best friend's member, so close she could reach out and touch it if she sat up. It was as curious as when she'd seen it last summer, like a strange apparatus that hung over his open trousers; the shaft was a sort-of pink colour and was nestled in dark hair. Severus was staring at her pleadingly, as though he'd come into this situation by mistake.
"Thank you," said Lily, and Severus zipped up his trousers and stood there, his mouth open as though he were about to speak but didn't know what to say. She half-expected him to take off running but instead, he sat back down beside her.
He was silent for a few moments, and then he cleared his throat. "Could I see your boobs?" he asked.
"What?" Lily said. It certainly wasn't what she'd been expecting, but she supposed she should have expected that she couldn't put him in a vulnerable position for nothing. And besides, she didn't feel as odd as she would have thought she would, hearing him ask that. Her face got red again but she nodded slowly.
"Really?" Severus burst out excitedly and Lily couldn't help but beam. So he found her attractive… Or at least just wanted to see her chest, which was definitely something to note. She wondered what Mary would say.
She took off the blanket and unbuttoned her coat, grabbing her jumper and pulling it over her head. "Too many layers," she said, shivering. She was slightly embarrassed but she wasn't going to stop now. She lifted up her shirt, revealing her breasts, hidden by her flowered bra, her nipples hardening instantly in the cold.
Severus watched her, unblinking, his dark eyes focused completely on her boobs. His gaze was strong and unapologetic, almost greedy. She wasn't sure whether or not she liked how she felt, but she liked the impression she was making on him. "Blimey," he said. "I've never seen real ones before." His cocky tone from earlier had been replaced with a tone of earnest enthusiasm. She thought of his porn, and wondered what she looked like to him.
"I'd never seen a penis," she said, "not really, anyway." She pulled her shirt down over her breasts again and put her clothes back on quickly. "Brr," she said, her ears feeling like they were on fire, in harsh contrast to the cold air. She grabbed the blanket and wrapped it back around herself.
"Can I use that with you now?" asked Severus after a minute or so, as though he'd been working out exactly how to ask. Lily nodded, and he scooted in closer to her, wrapping the right side of the blanket around himself. They were sitting so close that their legs and hips were touching. Lily looked straight ahead, unaware of what to do next. She'd made things more complicated, but unlike last time with the hand-holding, she didn't care anymore. Severus was Severus. It was useful to have a boy for a best friend, she decided. She figured she was getting to be leaps and bounds ahead of her friends. By the time she had a boyfriend, she'd know a few things.
"You won't tell your friends about this, will you?" Severus asked, and Lily gaped at him.
"You can't read minds yet, can you?"
Severus squinted at her. "What? Why?"
"I was just thinking about my friends," she said, "I thought maybe you'd went and learned how to read my mind and didn't tell me!"
He grinned. "I promised I'd tell you, remember?"
"Yeah, but people can break promises," Lily told him.
"Not to you, I wouldn't," he said. "Never."
"Come off it," Lily said, elbowing him in the side playfully.
"But really… Don't tell Mary MacDonald and don't have a laugh about me," Severus instructed her.
"Why would I laugh about you? Besides, I won't tell her anything. She gossips too much." Besides, I'm not sure I want anyone knowing, she thought. "And you can't tell anyone what I showed you."
He nodded, though he didn't look very focused. "Right," he said. "I wouldn't."
"LILY!"
Both Lily and Severus perked up. It sounded like someone was calling her from far off.
"Is that your dad?" Severus asked her.
Lily jumped up, feeling a bit like throwing up and like she was falling at the same time. "Oh no! Oh no! What time is it?"
"LILY!" Dad's voice rang out through the trees again. It sounded like he was near the bridge.
"I'm getting out of here," Severus said. "Will you see me tomorrow?"
Lily nodded. "Same time, all right?"
"Yes. I'll be here!" And with that, he took off through the trees. The shadows of the night enveloped him, and he was gone.