A/N: AAAAH. This is so, so late. My apologies. But… it should please you... HINT.
In this chapter, I'm presenting what I've thought to be a reasonable explanation for Snape's anti-Muggle views, as well as Eileen Prince's childhood background (specifically, why she chose to marry Tobias Snape, a Muggle). The important part of this chapter is not necessarily the way Eileen portrays these events, but the way thirteen year old Severus interprets what she says (he hears what he wants to hear—later, he'll learn what he missed).
I understand that Eileen's Advanced Potions book was from the 1940s-1950s, but I don't necessarily want her to be from that time. I believe the Prince family was very poor, and that the book was a hand-me-down or a used copy. I hope the history vibes well for everyone, even if you have different ideas. I re-wrote a lot, and re-worked it until it was what I wanted.
Stay with me. A LOT of build up for later chapters is happening. No, they won't stay in third year forever. But there's a lot I need to develop for fourth year, the plot of which is very tightly tied.
Also, warning for violence/gore/sexuality, particularly because (obviously) minors are involved. Yes, this fic is finally reaching the things that I've been warning you so far in advance for. Put your helmets on!
FEEDBACK!(PLEASE!) poI see you there, adding alerts and favoriting! Let me know what you think!
Chapter Eleven: Prince of Darkness
Winter Break: Third Year
"Don't stop now what you're doing
what you're doing, my ugly one."
-TORI AMOS
"I wasn't doing anything!" Lily protested as her father led her home. He was being silent, something that Lily detested in a tense moment. She'd rather him tell her off, but the only thing making noise was his boots in the snow. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. "I wasn't even gone very long. I just lost track of time!"
Father shot her a questioning glance, a sign she knew meant that he thought she was lying. Lily felt guilty under his gaze. She hated upsetting her father more than anyone else in her family. Her mother and Petunia let you know exactly what they were mad about, and they were easy enough to predict. But Father, with his kind and quiet way, was much more difficult to read. He opened the door to their house, and let Lily in first.
"So you found her!" Petunia said loudly from the living room. On her face was a look of odious triumph. "I told you she went out."
Lily glowered at her sister, feeling her face flush hot. "I wasn't doing anything bad! I only went out for awhile!"
Mother stood up from the couch and pointed at the clock on the wall. "Lily, it's half past ten—"
"And, you went out at a quarter to eight," Petunia interrupted her, sounding like a rather good imitation of an adult, her face glowing. "You've been out… in the dark."
"You mustn't do that, Lily. We were worried! What on earth were you doing?" Mother asked, her tone growing louder by the moment.
Lily shrugged, her flushed face growing hotter and hotter, spreading to her ears. "Playing," she said simply.
"Alone, or with that boy?" Petunia trilled, ecstatically scornful.
"Yes, Petunia seems to think you snuck out to meet up with your friend. Honestly, I simply can't have that—"
"I didn't sneak out to meet anyone," Lily lied, crossing her arms. She had the distinct feeling that she was probably brandishing a similar coloring as that of a lobster. "I went out by myself and I thought it was earlier—really! I just wanted to look at the snow!"
"How can you look at the snow when it's dark?" Petunia muttered under her breath.
Mother crossed the room and sat next to Petunia, patting her shoulder. "Let me handle this, all right, Tuney? Lily, I want to believe you… but if I find out otherwise, there will be severe consequences. It is fine for you to see Severus in our home, but I believe you both to be past the age where meeting up together in private is inappropriate, unless it is a reasonable time of day and you are in a public place. Severus is a smart boy, but he's had a rough upbringing—he's different from you, Lily."
"That has nothing to do with it," Lily said, shaking her head, her hair rolling back and forth like a crimson wave. "We're not—we just see each other to talk, and besides," she added quickly, "I didn't see him tonight—"
"Talking or not, if you are meeting with him in private, I think it's very inappropriate!" Mother said. "Robert?" She looked to their father for support, but he was silent.
"We're not doing anything, though!" Lily argued loudly, and it was another lie. They'd just shown each other their body parts. But was that really so bad? It wasn't like anything happened.
"Mother, believe me," Petunia said dramatically, "I saw him smoking cigarettes in the park today, and there were police. At least my friends don't get arrested!"
"Severus did not get arrested!" Lily exclaimed.
"Well. Almost arrested," said Petunia.
"I think everyone should get to bed," said Father coldly. "I've all ready lost almost three hours of work dealing with this, and I need to write up a budget plan for tomorrow yet." He headed toward his office, not even bidding them goodnight. Lily felt a great lot of shame welling up inside her, but she headed up the stairs after Petunia, who threw her a pleased expression.
While in the loo, Lily stared at herself in the mirror. Why was she lying? Was it worth it? Perhaps Mother was right. Maybe it was inappropriate to meet with Severus alone. After all, Lily had never gotten in much trouble and had always been extremely honest with her family. Until these past recent months, that was, and especially when Severus was involved. But that was sort of what made it exciting. Besides, Lily decided she was old enough to deal with whatever "inappropriate" meant. Who could blame her for being interested in seeing Severus without his trousers? How else could she learn anything? And who was Petunia to be ratting her out every moment she could? Lily was trying to be nice to her so far, and this was how her sister was repaying her! Lily spat toothpaste into the sink and, fuming, she stomped to Petunia's bedroom door and flung it open.
"You should always knock!" Petunia screeched, turning away from her vanity mirror.
Lily walked into the room and shut the door. "What's your problem?" she hissed. "We used to be best friends! I haven't done anything to you! I want to be your friend again, just let me—"
"How can we be friends when you act the way you do?" Petunia shot back, "I think you're being stupid. Why do you hang around that boy? You're lying for him, Lily! He was smoking. He gets worse and worse every time I see him—"
"His name is Severus.Honestly, you've known him as long as I have!"
"I prefer not to use his name. I think it's an awful, weird name!" Petunia snapped. "You know, you used to be different, before your special powers and magic! You used to actually care about normal things!"
"I care about a lot of things!" Lily told her sister firmly.
But Petunia did not seem willing to back down. "You're so special," she mocked, "and everyone just finds you so pretty and—"
"Why are you jealous of me?" Lily asked loudly.
Petunia reddened. "I'm not jealous! I would hate to be like you!"
"Petunia, that's so mean—" Lily protested.
"It's not mean to like being normal! It's not mean to like fitting in!" Petunia warbled.
Lily felt tears welling up in her eyes. "I like who I am," she said, "and I hope that someday, you like me again, too! I don't know why you're being so mean to me! I'm trying to get to know you again—"
"How, by stealing my friends and doing better at everything? Shut up, Lily. Just shut up!" Petunia said quietly, and turned around to face the wall. She lowered her voice to a whisper, and said, "I hate you."
The tears came silently, and dripped down Lily's face as she left her sister's room, closing the door quietly behind her. She stayed up until the early hours of the morning with The Feminine Mystique, and tried desperately to forget about her sister.
"Is it still snowing?" called Mum from the kitchen as Severus shut the front door.
Surprised at being spoken to, Severus rubbed his hands together and headed through the living room. "Yeah and bloody cold," he replied quietly, standing in the door jam between the parlour and dining room. He decided the house wasn't much warmer, and Mum seemed to feel the same way, as she was wearing both her robes and a winter scarf. She'd been wearing her robes at night lately, and he'd seen her concocting a potion that afternoon after Abbigale had left. He did not ask her what it was or her reasoning, he was merely happy that she was exercising her magical abilities. He dropped into the chair across from her. In front of her was a half empty glass of clear liquid, and also a small pewter cauldron that Severus had never seen her use.
At his questioning look, Mum said, "A warming draught. It's still got one minute of brewing time. A cup of this and we should be warm all night."
Severus nodded. "I've made one of those before in class, but I think mine was weaker. It only lasted two hours."
"Extra lining," Mum said, taking a sip from the glass. "It's the extra stomach lining from a bear that does it, and weight of the lining that adjusts the amount of time. For practice, your professor—" ("Slughorn," put in Severus)—" most likely did not want you to use up too many ingredients. Lining can get expensive, particularly when it's pre-pickled."
"Did you like potions?" Severus asked, blowing on his hands again.
Mum nodded. "Not as much as Divinations, but I liked it very well."
"I get to start Divinations next term," Severus said quickly. "With Professor Zabini. Why did you like it?"
"Teatra Zabini?" asked Mum, and Severus shrugged. "If so, I went to school with her. She was in Slytherin with me, but several years ahead. Smart girl. Mean girl. Very pretty." She put on a thin, sour smile. "I liked her about as much as I liked everyone else. And Divinations was my best subject. I was very proud of my readings. I had a forty five percent accuracy rate, and that is very high." Severus raised an eyebrow and his mum stared back at him. "It's not for everyone, and some think it is not a real type of magic. But those are usually the people who cannot even envision what they'll be eating for breakfast the next morning. I prefer the magic inside the mind. Those who don't possess intelligence can barely memorize any spells. If you are firm about what's inside your head, you're more confident as to what you can do. I personally have never quite had any respect for foolish wand-waving."
"I'm in a dueling club though," Severus burst out excitedly, amazed his mother was finally engaging him in a relevant conversation, "and I've learnt all kinds of useful spells. I don't think it's too foolish—"
"It isn't if you know what you are doing. And judging by your marks, I'm assuming you do," she said simply, finishing her drink. "Besides, with your affinity for Potions, I'll wager you have a good understanding of how important precision is. But I knew loads of dunderheads when I was at Hogwarts who scraped by ever so coolly by reciting charms and flicking their wands at each other with no real purpose."
Severus felt his face get hot and he lowered his gaze. So she had been keeping up with his post. All this time, he'd thought his letters weren't being read. She checked her wristwatch and then used a ladle to dish up the warming draught. It tasted like fire, if fire could have a taste. Severus gulped it down and winced at the burning sensation in his throat. But that soon gave way to a very pleasant, hot feeling in his stomach. His mum drank too, and they were silent for some time.
"Did you know?" Severus finally asked quietly. "About Dad, I mean. That he was—"
"Going off behind my back? I knew," she replied, and Severus reckoned she sounded very composed. "I had no idea he had other children. Though I am not surprised. When I met him, he said he was running away from something. I was running away, too and I never asked him why. I simply assumed we were running from the same thing."
"What was that?" Severus asked, not believing his luck. At this rate, he wouldn't even have to ask her about her history. It sounded as though she was finally willing to talk to him.
She looked down, her brow furrowed. "I have not talked about it in years, though I suppose I have wanted you to know. So many things I have tried to forget…"
Severus tried not to look too eager, and he felt a great wave of disappointment. He needed the information and he needed it now! Meeting Abbigale and learning more about his Muggle father had made him desperate for another reality. He wanted to be no relation to Tobias. If he had no use for the Snape side of his heritage, he needed information about his mother's side.
"Well, all right," said Mum suddenly. "Then, I'd like to show you a few things." She disappeared for several minutes, and Severus waited, unsure of what to expect. The warming draught was almost too hot. He felt sweat pooling at the back of his neck, and his toes were so warm that his socks felt a bit like they were burning.
All of the changes taking place for him in such a short amount of time were overwhelming. After all, he'd just nearly gotten naked in front of Lily, and she'd pulled her top up for him to see her chest. He'd liked that a great deal. He figured he would like it very much if they continued to do things like that, though he wasn't sure how it would happen. He figured he could only ask her to show him her boobs so many times. He'd also like very much to ask her if she'd be his girlfriend though he didn't quite understand what that would mean, or if he even wanted her to be anything besides what she all ready was. He reckoned Abbigale had perceived him differently when he'd told her Lily was his. After all, Lily was dazzling. He'd like it a lot if everyone thought she was his girlfriend, particularly people at school like Remus Lupin and Belby. The big knobheads!
Mum returned clasping a box, and she sat next to Severus, which was the closest they had been in years. "I don't quite know where to begin," she said, and opened the lid of the box. Inside was a scattered assortment of photographs, letters, and other scraps of paper. There was a Polaroid on top of the pile that Severus realized was of his mum and dad. He'd never seen them smiling so much, together or apart. His dad had his arm around his mum's waist and he had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. His mum was wearing a black dress, and looked like she was playfully avoiding his father. He wondered how old they were. His mother looked about Abbigale's age, if that. Mum rifled through the box, and grabbed a large, black and white photograph. "This is me when I was a girl," she explained, "and your grandmother Fervia and grandfather Strattus on the Prince side. The little boy was my brother Lanxus."
Severus took it out of her hands and surveyed it. The photograph appeared to be taken outside an old house. There was long grass in the yard, and the mood was very bleak. The entire family wore the same expression: somber frowns. There was not much movement, but the grass was blowing softly and every once in awhile, Fervia would adjust her robes as if she were cold. Severus recognized his face in each one of theirs, particularly Lanxus, who looked just about Severus' own age. The entire lot was dark haired and pale, and on Severus' mum's face was an anxious look. "Where are they now?" Severus wanted to know, and his mother sighed.
"I have a lot of regrets," she said, "and sometimes I wonder if I ever should have left. But it was a very difficult house to live in, especially as I got older. Times were different. Blood purity was very important—it still is, but it is becoming more understandable to marry outside of strictly magical backgrounds. My parents, especially my father, felt that Mudbloods and Muggles were evil and ruthless, and they were convinced that Mudbloods were only in our world to steal our secrets and drive out all the pure witches and wizards. I'm not against letting Mudbloods practice magic, but I think there can be limitations… they cannot know everything there is to know, and they can't possibly understand growing up with magic. How could they? But my parents had their reasons. And it got worse when Lanxus died." She pulled out another photo, of herself and her brother. Lanxus' resemblance to Severus was a bit uncanny, and for a moment, Severus felt like he was staring at himself. Lanxus had the same long, limp hair and large, dark eyes. He looked more confident than Severus had ever felt, though, and Severus felt a bit of exhilaration well up inside of him. Lanxus wore a mischievous smile, showing a chipped front tooth. In this picture he was holding a toad by its hind leg and Mum, her hair in long braids, was posing seriously with a cauldron that appeared to be smoking. She noticed Severus' expression and said quietly, "Sometimes you remind me of him."
"What happened to him?" asked Severus, and there was a long pause.
His mum got up out of her chair and crossed to the freezer, pulling out the bottle of vodka and pouring herself a drink. It was then that Severus realized she might be a bit drunk because the bottle was considerably less full than it had been earlier that day. That would explain the excessive talking. Although this slightly frustrated Severus, he was thrilled she was finally telling him about his background, and with hardly any prodding from him, either! He was not in any mindset to complain. "My brother was fourteen when he died," Mum said finally, fingering the photo. She took a drink from her glass. "He was my best friend. He understood me when others did not. It was difficult, growing up away from other magical children. We were both in Slytherin and I suppose we should've made other friends, but we loved each other very much. Lanxus was bold when I was not, and I tried to help him be more careful. I don't know how much I succeeded there. He was very fond of showing off—he often got in trouble for performing more of the dark arts than showing how to defend himself from them. But it was very useful. Still, he wound up at detention quite a bit at Hogwarts. He called himself the Dark Prince. I suppose we were both interested in the macabre." She smiled grimly, showing Severus another photo.
She and Lanxus were sitting in the shadows underneath a large tree. They were both so pale-faced and dark-haired that the whites of their eyes glowed eerily. "We used to experiment by putting spells on each other. Lanxus was particularly gifted with curses. We'd been brought up to hate Muggles so much that I lived in constant worry in our neighborhood. Lanxus and I used to hide up in trees and spit on the Muggle neighborhood children." Severus looked at his mother, amazed, mostly because she'd never spoken so much about herself as long as he'd known her. "Well, what do you expect?" she asked, misinterpreting his glance. He lowered his eyes to the table. "Our parents encouraged it. They kept to themselves. I think they were afraid of leaving the house, now that I look back on it. They used to send me and Lanxus out to gather up everything to make potions at home, everything we could find that we needed. We were very poor, see, and couldn't afford to get everything in the shops. We'd bring back plants, frogs, bird's eggs… It must have looked odd to the Muggles. We should have been more careful.
"One day," she went on, "we were far off from our house and we were collecting something… frogs, perhaps? Something living. Anyway, a few of the older Muggle children saw us and started calling us names. They were much older, much bigger. Freaks. Weirdos. I was ready to run away, but Lanxus stayed, so I stayed with him. I remember he said, Eileen, these stupid Muggles will pay. I remember that. Anyway, the boys surrounded us, and kept yelling, kept laughing. One of them pulled me by my hair and called me a terrible name. Lanxus took out his wand and cursed the bloke. He fell. I remember telling my brother to stop—I didn't want him to be expelled from Hogwarts, it was where we went to get away from our parents… but he was so angry. The boys were scared at first, but it was six of them and two of us, and I didn't have my wand—" she focused on the floor, her voice getting quieter and quieter. Severus had to lean in to hear her. "They were angry—they knew what we were then, though they'd been guessing all along. They started pushing us around, and Lanxus kept trying to curse them, but they were too much and he was young—two of them grabbed me… They hurt me…" She trailed off. "I couldn't see what they were doing to my brother, but I could hear him, screaming. When they… When they finally left me alone, they told me never tell, never tell, or we'll tell the town your family's evil, that you're all working under the devil… I thought they meant what they'd done to me. But when I was able to get up, I crawled across to where I saw Lanxus' body. There was blood everywhere. They'd bashed in his skull."
Severus' eyes got big, and a chill went spiraling down his spine as he imagined how it must have looked, all that blood. "They killed him?"
Mum nodded, fiddling with the stack of photographs in her hands.
"They killed him just because he was magic? Because you were magic, too?" Severus wanted to know, instantly feeling a spark of rage replacing his fear. He'd had a family member, an uncle, a wizard, who he seemed to have a great lot of things in common with and he'd been murdered by a group of brainless, hateful Muggles. He'd read about similar situations in history texts he'd checked out from the Hogwarts library (Lily had been right about guessing where he'd gotten a lot of his information, but she didn't need to know). It suddenly made a great deal more sense that Lucius and the others in Severus' "friend" group (could he call them that?) had such painful reactions to Muggles and Mudbloods.
Mum nodded after a bit, running a hand nervously through her long, lank hair. "It's a dangerous world for witches and wizards." Severus' mind drifted off to his own childhood experiences: getting booted out of Muggle school, being made fun of on the playground, his lack of friendships that he decided was due to him being "different", his father's beatings that seemed to be based in wanting to slap the magic right out of his small, scrawny body… Mum went on. "I wish we were able to have a house somewhere where we could live freely, but I suppose it wasn't it the cards." She sneered. "I'm all too used to the Muggle world—too dependent on it. I can't imagine what my parents would think—they'd think me barmey for simply owning a television, let alone…" She trailed off thoughtfully. "I know you'll be wanting to know how I ended up with your Dad, after all that."
Severus nodded, rooted to his seat. The warming draught had eased into a pleasant feeling amount of heat that he still felt tingling in his stomach and limbs. "He said you thought he was magic, that's why you—"
"I didn't think," she interjected sharply, making Severus flinch. "I was a sixth year when Lanxus passed away. My dorm mates felt sorry for me and I didn't want their sympathy! They had all sorts of tips for me that in their opinion would make me feel better—they told me they could help me with finding new clothes and trade charms on hair styles. Ridiculous," she said bitterly, taking a sip of her drink. "Apparently they didn't find memorizing curses and playing Gobstones to be desirable pastimes. By the end of my time at Hogwarts, I felt like a ghost. My parents were completely ruined by my brother's death. No one spoke when I was at home. His death was my fault, and there will never be any way for me to make that right."
"But you couldn't do anything to stop it, right?" Severus asked tentatively.
His mother's gloomy face fell even more. "I should have tried harder," she said. "It was my fault, and there is no denying that. I'd be weak if I thought differently. Seventh year, I was up to my eyes in my studies. My dorm mates persisted with their silly ideas about how to make me feel better, and finally I agreed to go out with them on a weekend to London. At that point, my parents hardly wanted anything to do with me. Their only use for me was running to the market to do their errands and tending the house. I needed something… different." She drank again, and simpered. She was beginning to slur her speech a bit, and Severus felt his cheeks feel a bit hot with embarrassment. "While we were out, my dorm mates began to reveal their intentions for the weekend. It was a sort of… er… a prank. You don't need to know all the details, but I'll just say they put me up to things. Your father was there, in the—the restaurant. One of my roommates spoke to him and told me he was one of us, a wizard. She also said he'd had his eye on me. I didn't know how that felt. I was… Well, the state of mind I was in at that point—I was excited, really. Your father—he was not bad-looking, and I really hadn't ever… And…" She seemed incapable of finishing her thoughts. It was obvious she was attempting poorly to edit her story, perhaps to make it more palatable. Severus listened, gritting his teeth a bit. He still remembered bits of his father's own version, and this really was not sounding much better. "I became courageous—I approached him, and we struck up a conversation. My classmates watched, all the while knowing my ideas about blood status and how I'd been raised, knowing they'd set me up with a Muggle.They were just doing it for a laugh, and when your father and I… left together, they tried to get me to stop, but I was having a good time. Soon enough, it was obvious what he was, and I had to tell him what Iwas. By that point, I was smitten. Love is sad," she said. "I learnt that fast but I loved him—he was different than anyone I'd met. I was very torn when I found he was a Muggle soon after. On one hand, I hated myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed. But it was too late because I felt I couldn't do without him, and then there was you," she told Severus, her voice suddenly strangely soft in comparison to the callous tones that she'd been using earlier. As always, it made Severus a bit uncomfortable. He averted his eyes, trying to piece together the very opaque picture she was painting for him.
The bits about Lanxus had at least been understandable, Severus decided— our family
broke apart because Muggles murdered him, and Mum didn't know what to do. It's almost like the kids who wouldn't play with me but much, much worse. And then her friends making a fool of her and tricking her into talking to Dad when they knew how she felt ! I'd have cursed the lot of them! Fuck Tobias. He should have just left her then,and then we could have been a real family. None of this rubbish would have ever happened.
He flexed his knuckles, recalling how Abbigale had joked that he'd been lucky to actually have a father, even if he was a bad one. She was okay, Severus surmised quickly, but how dare she even say that. She didn't know what happened. How could she? She got beat by him too, but not nearly as often. Not as much. I wonder if Tobias even beat up on her mum like he does mine! Probably not. I don't really feel sorry for her, after all. She stood up to him .She didn't have to go through it every day.She has no idea how bad he really is—none.
"Why don't you just curse him?" Severus asked suddenly, his knuckles white. "When he's mean?" His own boldness reminded him of Lily's, and it astonished him. All day, he'd been feeling decidedly cocky. He'd hardly ever wanted to talk back to his mother, but it was as if his tongue had a mind of its own.
His mother's softened gaze froze quickly back into a serious look of intensity, her dark brow thin and crumpled. "He'd be defenseless," she said.
Severus gave her a dark look, and folded his arms, unable to contain his bitterness at her answer. "But why?" he prodded. "After what he's done? After all the things he's done to you? Abbigale said-"
"I hardly wish to curse the man I love," said Mum back tartly, "even if he can be cruel."
"I just don't understand… Why'd you marry him? A Muggle?" Severus went on, frustrated.
His mum shook her head from side to side. "I found out he was a Muggle after I'd all ready gone too far… There are some things I cannot explain—things were decided on a whim, things were not planned for—and I wanted them… I wanted a different life than I'd had with my family, and if it took marrying a man who changed my beliefs, I was willing to take that chance. I needed a way out."
"But what about your parents?"
"They hardly noticed when I left," she said quietly. Something shifted in her eyes. "And there you have it. The momentous tale of your history." Her voice was sarcastic as she pushed the box of photos toward him. "If you need more information, feel free to look but I don't really need to answer any more of your questions. I think I've made myself clear enough."
Severus hunched over, his moment of bravery crumbling although he still had wanted very much to ask her a million things. He figured he'd best not breach the subject of Occlumency and Legilmency tonight. When his mother got up and walked unsteadily down the hallway toward the master bedroom, Severus felt seriously conflicted. He spent awhile poring over the photographs, particularly interested in Lanxus. He wondered what curses Lanxus and his mum knew, and also what Lanxus would have thought of him. The Dark Prince ,he thought appreciatively, after recovering what appeared to be an old drawing Lanxus had done up. Severus imagined what would have happened if he'd had a different father, and if his mum would have been close with her family. He imagined them all getting along and how there would be no fighting and no yelling.
Despite the dark news he'd had that night, Severus was able to coax himself out of feeling miserable over his lost wizard family by imagining the shop he'd open with Lily, the one they'd dreamt up while in Hogsmede. It was something different, something nice to look forward to, especially with these new developments that were happening. He wondered how he could tell Lily about what he'd learned that evening without her telling him off for sounding like Lucius Malfoy, as she'd said earlier. He personally thought it was kind of awesome to sound like Lucius. He'd striven for it for awhile; Lucius was so flawless and smooth both in appearance and opinion, whereas Severus felt rocky and confused, like a series of wavy lines and question marks. Still, Lily didn't like Lucius. Severus considered this with his tongue sticking out of his mouth thoughtfully.
Lily was smart though, and so Severus figured she'd have no trouble understanding why his family had a vendetta against Muggles and Mudbloods—she'd probably agree, or at least understand! All he had to do was find a way to talk to her about it that made sense. If anything, she'd most likely be impressed by what Severus had learned about his family. Severus wondered whether Lanxus and his mother had considered themselves dark. He hopedso. After all, that would be quite impressive. Plus, it would explain his mother's collection of books on curses.
He thought fleetingly about whether it was a bad thing that he thought Lily was pretty and wanted her to be his girlfriend despite her being a Mudblood. No,he decided, because Mulciber and Avery had said it was common to find Mudbloods attractive, and Lucius had even said as much. And Mum seemed to think that despite their superiority, that Mudbloods were capable of good enough magic as well. She'd certainly never objected much to Lily, or what little she'd known of her. He spent almost an hour reading old letters his mother had received from various people, and looking over her photographs, the grim faces of his Prince relatives staring out at him.
Severus finally fell asleep curled up on the couch, the box of photographs sitting on his lap. Minutes after he'd fallen asleep, an enormous black rat slowly crawled up the couch and sniffed the air, testing to see if the coast was clear. As soon as the creature had determined its presence would go unnoticed, it scurried across Severus' chest and made way for the kitchen.
"So if my Mother and Father ask you," Lily was saying the next week, "you didn't see me tonight. I was at Clara's house." It was still extremely cold outside, but the snow had melted in certain places, creating big, green blotches across the clearing. It was the day before Christmas Eve, which meant absolutely nothing to Severus except that he was glad Lily had finally returned from one of her family's obnoxious excursions to visit friends in London. They'd hung out once briefly before Lily had left, and although Severus had begun to explain the information he'd learned about his family to Lily, she also had much to tell him. She'd been reading books that were apparently all about women and how there should be a choice for them to work instead of stay home which confused Severus because as far as he knew, his mother had no choice but to work.When he brought this up, Lily had seemed stumped as well, and the conversation had not gone very far. Severus couldn't help but feel that their chats had increasingly become stilted and difficult. Mostly, he couldn't stop thinking long enough about seeing her breasts and holding her hand that he had a lot of troubling contributing verbally.
Tonight was no exception. "Who is Clara?" he asked, from his place up on the branch of his favorite tree. Lily was sitting at the foot of the tree, staring up at him, padded up in a thick jumper that unfortunately hid her pleasant curves.
"Someone I made up," she said, grinning a bit devilishly. "I told you how bad they let me have it last week—"
"Won't they figure that out if they try and get in contact with you? You think they won't try and meet Clara? What'll you do then?" Severus asked, raising his wild eyebrows. He'd never known Lily to try and put anything past her parents.
"I'm only using her for tonight," Lily informed him, looking entirely pleased with herself. "She's a new friend, see? We met on the playground and she wanted me to come round for hot cocoa tonight—"
"Is this your way of trying to make trouble?" Severus asked dully, swinging down and dangling off the tree by his arms.
"You're going to fall and break your neck," she said, folding her arms and gazing up at him, a half-amused smile on her pretty face, "and no, I just don't want them to worry—"
"Stupid. Ask me next time before you lie. I can make up a better story for you," Severus grinned, and then lost his grip on the tree branch due to the slickness from the wet weather. He fell in a heap next to Lily who threw back her head and laughed. So much for trying to show off. Severus glowered, wiping snow off the back of his trousers, and sat up straight. "Not funny. If you fell, I wouldn't laugh at you." He tried to hide his embarrassment, but he could feel how hot his face was, even in the cold.
"Yes, but I wouldn't fall," Lily said, still laughing.
"If you did though, I wouldn't laugh," Severus repeated loudly, glaring. "Anyway, you can stop now. It isn't that funny."
Lily shrugged, giving him a dirty look. "I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings—"
"My feelings aren't hurt," Severus replied.
"Mary says hello," Lily said quickly, and Severus settled back against the trunk of the tree, happy she was changing the subject. "She's having holiday in Scotland—"
"Ugh," Severus said. "I hate her."
"Severus," Lily said warningly, "stop it."
There was a thick silence. Severus fiddled with the buttons on his overcoat, figuring he probably wasn't being very helpful. But he didhate Mary, and he didn'tlike that Lily had laughed at him when he fell. He wondered painfully if girls laughed at boys they fancied. The multitude of witches at school who claimed to be in love with Sirius Black only laughed at him when he was trying to be amusing. Amusing. If you have a shit sense of humor, that is, thought Severus darkly. Since she's laughing at me, she probably thinks I'm just a big duffer. When he came back to reality, Lily was staring at him questioningly.
"Hey," she said. "What are you thinking in there?" He was relieved to see a small smile claim her lips. It took all of his willpower to tear his eyes away from those lips; they were a pink blush color in the cold, contrasting deeply with her healthy ivory skin.
"Not too much," he trailed off, averting his gaze and shrugged to himself. "What are you thinking?"
"That you can be kind of annoying," said Lily pointedly. "But I still like you."
"Oh, great," said Severus, rolling his eyes, but he grinned again. Lily settled back next to him and their arms grazed each other's. Severus swallowed hard, feeling his heart palpitating in his chest.
"Severus, remember when we used to play Azkaban Prison?" Lily asked suddenly, turning to face him.
He nodded and looked at her with his eyebrows raised. "You're not obsessed with Dementors again, are you?"
Lily stuck her tongue out at him. "No! I just…"
"Just what?" Severus asked, snorting. "I've told you a million times—you won't get taken to Azkaban. Even if you are a bad liar."
"Sev-er-us!" Lily protested, punching his shoulder.
"Jesus Christ," he said, "you do that harder and harder ever time!"
Lily giggled. "Sorry," she replied, and patted the place she had hit. Severus' insides squirmed pleasantly. "I was going to say, I know it's stupid… but I miss doing things like that—"
"We're almost fourteen," said Severus matter-of-factly. "You can't be serious! You want to play make believe? Weirdo."
Lily sat up straighter. "I think it would be fun. Most of the snow's melted. It's not really dark yet. I think we should play hide-and-go-seek."
"And what does this have to do with Azkaban? Or should I even ask?" Severus inquired dryly. Hide-and-go-seek had usually been a very annoying game for him as a young child, because he was awfully good at hiding and mostly was forgotten by the neighborhood children because no one could ever find him. He figured that while playing one-on-one with Lily, that was unlikely to happen, but still… He looked up at the sky, where dark clouds were gathering. Being forgotten by her would be just his luck.
"Because..." Lily seemed to be thinking hard. "Because whoever's seeking is the Dementor—"
"You're a nutter," Severus laughed. "Besides, there's only two of us! It's going to be boring—"
"I want to do something! I miss how we used to play," Lily whined. Severus wanted to tell her that this was part of growing up, and that after all, he was feeling more like an adult than he ever had, but there was something about her desperation that stopped him from denying her further. Besides, he liked to make her happy and if it meant he had to play an idiotic game for an hour, he was willing. Maybe it would make up for him not dancing with her at Slughorn's party, which he knew had upset her. At least this wouldn't make him look like as much of an idiot. Slowly, he nodded.
"Good!" Lily exclaimed. "I'm hiding first! Count to one hundred!" With that, she jumped up and ran out of the clearing.
"Wait!" Severus yelled, springing up. Faint memories of how to play the game correctly suddenly popped into his mind. "Where are the boundaries? How long do I have to find you?"
"ONLY IN THE WOODS!" she yelled back, her voice echoing against the trees. "I'LL COME OUT IF YOU DON'T FIND ME FOR A LONG TIME!"
"Yes, but what's a long time?" Severus yelled, but there was no response. He was always too logical for games like this.
"I DON'T HEAR YOU COUNTING!" she shouted after several minutes.
"Shit," he muttered, "Eighty-nine, eighty-eight, eight-seven…" He paced back and forth, his boots making crunching sounds in the remaining bits of snow. Around fifty-five, he picked up a stick and brandished it like a wand, turning on his heel like he was advancing on an enemy in a dueling fight. At twenty, he started heading in the direction where Lily had last shouted from, vaguely aware that some would consider this cheating. But sometimes, in order to win, cheating was necessary. He'd heard her calling from the opposite side of the woods from the bridge, closer to Spinner's End. Go figure she'd make it hard on me, he thought, scanning the trees and rocks. Everything looked the same, and all the movement he saw was either birds, or a figment of his imagination. Just as he'd expected, he was even more awful at finding people than hiding. At least when he hid, he was playing the game right!
Surprisingly for Severus, it wasn't long before he saw a trace of red hair peeking out from behind a rock. Ever so slowly, he advanced upon the large boulder, making certain to only step on grass so that his boots did not make any noise. She had leaned against the rock, her back facing him and only the very top of her head was visible. She obviously had no idea she had been spotted. Severus smiled to himself; if she wanted to fixate over Dementors and convicted murderers, he'd gladly aid in giving her a good scare. He stopped when he was one step away from the rock, holding his breath as to not give himself away. Lily was as still as the night—he had to admit she was quite good at the game, though she could have done better at ducking. Severus leaned himself over the rock and he could smell the scent of Lily's shampoo.
"Got you," he said quietly, touching the top of her head with the tips of his fingernails.
"AARRGHHH!" Lily screamed, jumping up and whipping around, her almond-shaped eyes wide and terrified. "SEVERUS!" she shouted, eyes darkening. Her mouth flickered between a smile and a frown. He went around the rock, his arms up in a shrugging gesture.
"You told me to be a Dementor," he said. "I guess it worked—you're paler than me, even, glad you didn't pee yourself—"
"That was HORRIBLE!" Lily exclaimed, shoving his shoulders.
"Oy," Severus said, shielding himself. "You like being scared—"
"ONLY when I want to be," she said hotly, and shoved him in the chest.
Severus grabbed her hands and held her, his entire body pulsing. "Stop being so violent," he smiled crookedly, "you wanted to be scared, I know you did—"
"I'm not being violent! You deserve it! You berk," she said, struggling to pull out of his grasp. Her eyes flashed mischievously, and Severus was a bit apprehensive of what she had in store for him. "I don't care what I did," she said, and her voice was suddenly full of dramatic bravado, "I'm NOT going to Azkaban Prison!"
Severus gave her a look over and then sighed, loosening his grip on her hands. "You're kidding, right?"
"Kidding?" Lily said. "I killed ten people! Of course I'm not kidding. But you'll never make me go!"
"Ten people? This is so daft," Severus said, grimacing.
"You talk a lot for a Dementor," Lily said, and struggled to pull her hands out of his grasp.
"You're not even going to talk to me normally?" Severus went on, staring at her.
"Come on," said Lily quietly, "just for a little bit?"
Severus groaned. "I guess I do have to take you to Azkaban," he complied listlessly. "All those poor people that you…er… killed." He sniggered, rolling his eyes. "Lily—are you kidding me? This is so stupid—" He shook her hands in his, hoping maybe he could shake some sense into her.
But then, Lily gasped spectacularly, and fell forward a bit, as though Severus had shaken her hard. "Please, no!" she cried out, fake-falling into Severus' chest so that her head was pressed up against him.
This is interesting,Severus thought. He didn't recall their play ever being this intricate. Was Lily going for some sort of acting award? What was she doing? Severus' mind was taking him a thousand places, but they were all leading to the same result—Lily was closer to him than she'd been in ages, perhaps ever .His hands were still holding hers and she was pressed to him, her head level with his neck, rested in the crook below his left ear. Her hair felt soft on his neck. Her hands were clasped in his tightly, and she was pulling away only a bit, making it appear like she was trying to escape him. "What're you—" he began, and then stopped talking, realizing at once that this game was putting him in an extremely auspicious situation. Hadn't he been hoping for a way to get close to her? He cleared his throat. "Yes, you're going to have to come with me," he said in a low voice, still feeling self-conscious about his horrific skills at pretend play. He was even more aware of the fact that it felt like every possible drop of blood in his body was rushing down to his dick. He could feel his member swelling up quickly; this position he had Lily in—he could kiss her, he could hold her, anything, they were so close.
"I don't want to," Lily said, shaking her head from side to side, and made to wrench out of his grasp again. Severus had no idea where she was going with this, or why she was doing it but he figured that this time, he would keep his mouth shut. Without really thinking clearly, Severus went along with her. He clenched her hands tightly, enough so that it was realistic, digging his nails into her wrists. Lily sucked in her breath, made a sound like moaning. Severus felt his erection shift, and his own breath caught in his throat.
"Azkaban Prison is by our tree," Lily whispered, looking up at him through her hair. It was as though they were nine years old again, except it was much more exciting. If this was playing, Severus could do it a lot more often. Every day, in fact. They used to get close back when they were little, but that was different. Now, Severus could think of hardly anything else besides touching her.
Severus took his cue, and wrapped his skinny arms around Lily's waist, hoisting her with him. He hadn't realized how much of a height difference there was between them until now. Lily dragged her feet in protest, but he could see her smiling.
"Let me go!" she said, trying to pull out of his grasp, but he held her tight.
Severus paused and winced: his fully-hard cock had slipped out through the slit in his Y-Fronts and was rubbing against the front of his jeans, the sensitive skin pushing against the harsh trouser material, creating loads of friction. He bit his lip, trying to figure out how to best approach this situation, while still holding onto Lily. He tried to ignore it, figuring a few moments worth of discomfort would be all right in the long run. Lily was picking up her feet, like a small toddler during a tantrum. Severus was amazed he was able to support her, even for the few seconds she was fully being held up by him. When they reached the tree, he pushed her lightly toward it and she faced him, her eyes narrowed.
"You can't have my soul!" she protested.
"But I want it," Severus said lamely—his dick felt a bit raw, a combination of how turned on he was getting and the unfortunate rubbing against his trouser zipper. "Time out," he said, and in haste to make the frustration go away, he didn't bother turning around. He simply stuck his hand in his trousers, pulled up his pants and re-adjusted himself quickly. His cock seemed to throb at his touch. He wanted nothing more than to wank himself off good and hard. He'd never felt so turned on due to an actual event; it was making him feel a bit vehement. He drew in a breath, hitching his trousers back up.
Lily's face softened as she broke character. "Is something wrong?" she wanted to know, watching the front of his trousers in interest. "Did you get hurt?"
He felt himself going scarlet. He shook his head. "Just fixing something," he replied and moved toward her again, hoping his pause in the game would not ruin everything. Lily seemed to be all right with the lag, because she immediately made a face of despair. He'd missed this side of her; she was turning him on, but she was also quite hilarious. Severus' face was just centimeters from hers once he advanced on her, unsure of what to do, unsure of how to go about it. He could imagine himself pressing his lips against hers, but that made sweat break out on the back of his neck. It was a terrifying thought. Instead, he held her against the tree, feeling uncomfortably awkward. Lily seemed at a loss for words as well, though she tried to twist out of his grip.
"Severus," she said suddenly. He immediately let her go, and stepped back a few paces, his sheet of long hair hiding his hot, red face.
Lily laughed nervously, which was uncharacteristic of her. "I'd better go home! But this was really fun!"
Severus stared at her, unblinkingly. Really fun? he thought, and he strained to read her expression. She was smiling, looking no different than usual, and here he was, completely freaking out! Damn her,damn her,damn her! He lowered his gaze again and nodded. "Sure," he said deeply, his ears turning bright pink. He could feel them burning as though they'd been set on fire.
"If I don't see you, happy Christmas!" she said cheerfully.
"When can I see you next, though?" Severus asked quickly without really thinking. He blushed harder, if that were possible.
"Soon, I hope," was her response. With that, she took off through the clearing. Severus watched her, running his hands through his hair and sighing. He hurried back to his own house to find it completely empty, which suited him better than fine. He slammed the door to his room, wrenched his trousers over his boner, pulled down his pants and began to quickly yank at himself. He could just imagine fucking Lily, though he still didn't quite understand how. Still, he had images—concrete now, Lily up against the tree, his fingers rubbing her through her robes like Lucius and Bellatrix, fingers completely inside her hole. He backed up onto the edge of his bed, jerking himself off with one hand and rubbing his balls with the other. He'd shove his dick in her then. A moan burst forth from his lips like a slow, deep croak.
He fingered the head of his cock, wincing at how great it felt, gritting his teeth. He couldn't stop imagining her, her mouth, her eyes—her eyes, the way she'd been watching him, those huge doe eyes stuck to him. In a moment of sudden inspiration, he grabbed his pillow, rolled to his side, and began to grind against it by holding it tightly against his privates. Severus emitted a series of low grunts and rolled up on his knees to straddle it, pushing his member down against the soft folds of the pillow.
"Lily," he found himself saying loudly, a guttural groan of contentment, "Lily." He cursed loudly—it felt too good. A spurt of come shot out of the tip of his cock and he sighed, falling forward onto his pillow and wrapping his arms around it, hardly caring at all about the slop of wet stickiness below him that had made a sizable circle on his sheets. His heart was pounding in his chest and his breathing was fast and heavy. He sighed pleasurably, giving another satisfied grunt. Severus drifted quickly into a deep sleep, his arms wrapped around the pillow as though it was a lifesaver and he was afloat in a deep black sea.
Lily was quite certain that she was becoming a different person. After all, she'd just used the phone booth on the way back to her house to phone her parents and pretend she was calling from "Clara's" house. She'd gushed over how much fun she'd been having, and said she would soon be on her way home. When she arrived home, she'd regaled her mother and father with a story of how pleasant her new friend had been. They'd done all kinds of wonderful things: made snowmen, baked lemon cookies… They'd even watched a Christmas special on television—a real perfect sort of family, in Lily's opinion. Mother and Father were all smiles over this. They liked when things were nice.
As soon as Lily was alone however, she'd flopped backward onto her bed and gazed up at the ceiling, her insides twisting. I don't fancy Severus, she told herself, and she believed it. But so, why was it so much fun to do interesting things with him? Lily wasn't sure, and there was no one to ask. Absolutely no one in the world. After all, no one else liked him. They all thought she was crazy enough to want to be his friend. She thought about what they'd do if they'd seen what had gone on last week, what had gone on tonight. It was embarrassing to consider Mary seeing, or Belby, or even James Potter and Sirius Black. They thought such awful things about Severus that Lily wondered what they'd think of her if they knew she and Severus had been forging a strange bond since when they had very first met, actually. Whenever Lily thought back to early times with Severus, there was always that anomalous feeling of excitement and confusion. And no one knew. She'd told them nothing, except that they studied together and were acquainted. Were the things she'd told her family last year about Severus the truth? Did she feel sorry for him? And if she did, why did she instigate certain situations?
Lily hadn't really meant to make tonight happen, but she was glad she had. She'd always liked how Severus acted when they played. He knew the type of scenarios that Lily liked. She had a sudden memory of one of their earliest games of Azkaban Prison, during which Severus knocked her backward and landed on top of her. And tonight, when he'd so carelessly moved his penis around—she liked that he was acting comfortable around her. It made her feel careless. She could imagine just how it looked now, too, larger and longer than she'd imagined it being up close, surrounded by the black pubic hair that encased it. Lily wondered what Mary would say. She'd probably scream. Snivellus. That stupid nickname. Lily gripped her comforter, her knuckles white, her face quickly turning a ruby red. She was mortified for him. But Lily had to hand it to Mary—Severus wasunattractive. Even when Lily could find pleasant things about the way he looked, likablethings, it was still a bit embarrassing that he was so unkempt, she decided. Funny. She never used to care so much about it. His acne was fading though, which was a definite plus. Still, he was no Wendell Perkins. Lily was caught between feeing bad that Snape was so physically unappealing and feeling bad that she was suddenly harshly judging her best friend. But tonight had given her enough evidence: it was more than physical when it came to Severus. And wasit harsh, or was it just truth? Why did he have to be so difficult?
Why does he have to be so interesting? she thought, imagining the scene from just an hour ago: Severus basically lifting her off the ground as she pretended to struggle. She'd had to hide her face, because she'd been beaming the entire time. It had felt like a lot of fun. Where she'd wanted it to go and what she'd wanted, those were two things she did not know. It was an experiment, like asking to see his penis. So far, she'd been learning a lot this break. As he had grabbed her, pulled her to his waist, she'd felt his member against her bottom, rubbing her through her jeans. At first she'd thought he had something in his coat. She wondered what it had meant—an erection ,she thought she remembered hearing somewhere.
She wondered what it would be like, to make out with Severus. She sort of liked his weird teeth and big nose, despite the fact that they were not ideal characteristics for how she thought a boy should be. He'd told her over the pornographic magazine that he knew things, but maybe he was just lying to sound big? Still, he'd seen actual sex, and his bookish confidence in the way he spoke was appealing. If she and Severus could play like they had tonight all the time, she wouldn't complain. She'd had a pleasant sort of feeling in her privates that entire evening.
And when she went to change into her pajama bottoms, she noticed that in inside of her pants was very wet. Bright red, Lily went to bed, trying not to think about his sneer, his quiet and sardonic voice, or the way he disappeared behind his long hair when he was feeling self-conscious. Lily couldn't have a crush on Snape, because Snape would not ever know how to deal with it. That much was certain. She could just imagine him glaring at her if he found out. Still, he'd wanted to see her boobs, and he'd seemed keen on getting back together soon.
Maybe Mary was right. Maybe Severus did like her.
And truth be told, Lily did not know whether that would be such a bad thing anymore.
AN: Please review.