A/N: Happy holidays to all who want it, no matter what or how you celebrate. This was supposed to be out Christmas day, so I apologize. I really don't celebrate Christmas, but I usually exchange gifts. This year, I worked at one of my jobs with my teenage clients—let's just say it was the most colorful Christmas I've had in ages. Thanks for reading! This one is unapologetically long. I wrote it/ thought of it ages ago, and I've been waiting eagerly to post it. Please give me feedback! Your reviews make it all the more worthwhile. I also appreciate the edits. I will get to them, and I do care about them, I promise. I just have limited internet time, so when I get time to post, I don't necessarily have time to edit everything I want. Still- I will- soon.
Also, a little shout out to my real life buddies Rar and Sammy. They let me test my ideas out on them. I am very lucky to have friends who encourage me to read them passages aloud about Severus Snape wanking.
Chapter Twelve: Teenage Flesh
January to June of Third Year
"Broken sundown, fatherless showdown
Gun hip swollen lip bottle sip. Yeah, I suck dick.
Lose grip on gravity falls. Sky blinding crumbling walls
River, sweep away my memories of children's things, a young mother's love
Before the yearning song of flesh on flesh
Young hearts burst open wounds bleed fresh
A young brother skinny and tall
My older walks oceanward and somber, slumber sleeping
Flowers in the water, But I'm just his daughter
Walking down an icy grave leading to my schizophrenic father.
Weeping willow won't you wallow louder ?
Searching for my father's power."
-Cocorosie
For the very first time in years, Severus would have enjoyed staying in Cokeworth past break. He'd been having the best time with Lily since they were little. Something had happened to rekindle their bond—he just didn't know what. Lily seemed, for the first time in awhile, to be just as keen on seeing him as he was on seeing her. He didn't very well care though, as long as it continued. They'd met up two more times that week before school term begun, and had played variations of Azkaban Prison. It wasn't much different from the first time, beginning with Severus searching for her (his heart pumping in his chest), and then his capture of her, then ending with the struggle back to their tree in the clearing. They always stopped it just as she was going to get her soul taken away, and then Severus would have to relieve himself as soon as he got home. Each time he grabbed her, he'd instantly get hard, feeling himself rub the back of her through her jeans and coat. Afterward, both times, they flopped down in the snow side by side and said nothing. He'd been wondering whether he should ask Lily if this meant they were together, but she seemed so tranquil about all of it that he did not want to look like a bumbling idiot. He also did not want the interactions to stop. Instead, he relished the time they were spending together.
He had not seen much of Mum although she'd showed up for half of Christmas day with take out Chinese and, to Severus' delight, an old book on Occlumency. She did not say anything about the subject, but Severus highly appreciated that she'd accurately interpreted his needs. The church brought their usual donation, and Severus got some trousers that actually fit him decently. He and Mum smoked a cigarette each in the front yard. She constantly had a full drink in her hand. Afterward, she'd passed out and Severus had run to Lily's but after peering through the front window, he'd seen that the entire family was still awake, sitting together and chatting happily. Severus had ducked down and waited for awhile, hoping to catch Lily on her own. He'd pop up momentarily, and finally, he saw Lily passing the window. Quietly, he tapped three times. Lily turned to look, a grin forming on her face. She threw back a glance to the parlor, where the television was on. She called something out to her family, and opened the front door, ducking down onto the porch, face to face with Severus.
"Happy Christmas, Sev," she whispered brightly. "Why are you out here?"
"I wanted to see you," he replied just as quietly, "Er… you know, to say, well, Happy Christmas. How was it?" He couldn't care any less about Christmas but he was willing to pretend for her. He'd hardly remembered it was Christmas!
"Brilliant," Lily beamed. As she talked about the day she'd had, Severus eyes traveled down her body. She was wearing green silk pajamas that really brought out her eyes. "Severus!" she said. "Severus? How was your Christmas?"
He snapped to attention. "It was all right. Better now that I'm seeing you!" Lily's face turned bright red, and Severus blanched. Why am I being so stupid? "I got a book on Occlumency," he said quickly, hoping desperately for a smooth recovery. "I started reading it—it's great, you have to basically analyze all your memories and rank them… It's really interesting, you have to know which memories are more private, and which are more susceptible to people getting in—"
Inside Lily's house, her mother called for her. "Sorry," she said quickly. "I'd better go. I want to hear more about your book, though—Happy Christmas," she said again. She looked around and then gave Severus a tight hug, wrapping her arms around his neck. He sat there, wide-eyed, not knowing what to do. She jumped up, waved and ran inside. Severus grinned and settled back against the Evans house, in a bit of a stupor.
The rest of break was quiet. Mum was around sometimes, but not enough for them to talk. The entire house had begun to smell like refuse and flies buzzed around loudly. At one point, Severus figured he'd better take a shower, but he found that the faucets weren't working. He wore the same clothes until the end of break, with no way of washing himself or what he was wearing.
But now it was time to return to Hogwarts, and this time, Severus got a ride with Lily and Mr. Evans. Severus sat in the backseat with Atticus and Poe, who hooted pleasantly at each other through their cages. He couldn't help but notice that Lily's father kept looking at him through the rearview mirror. Severus could not interpret the expression on Mr. Evan's face—it was a curious sort of look, a searching look. Severus made sure to keep his face very unreadable as he stared straight ahead, his black eyes wide and his mouth a thin, vertical line. Mr. Evans wished them good luck at school, hugged Lily tightly and gave Severus a hesitant handshake.
"LILY!" Mary screamed excitedly once Severus and Lily had boarded the train. "Oh, hi, Severus," she continued scornfully, looking at him quickly before rushing out of her compartment to give Lily a huge hug, and nearly knocking Severus aside in the process. Severus sneered at Mary deeply, folding his arms over his chest. Mary was becoming more and more like exactly the sort of person Severus found to be despicable. She was so loud and grating; everything about her was flashy and overdone. Even her hair seemed too big—she'd gotten a new style over break. Behind Mary, Severus was displeased to see his other least favorite people all sitting together in the compartment: Black, Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew. Lupin immediately averted his eyes but the other three broke up laughing. "Lily," Mary was saying, "you have to come sit with us! I have ever so much to TELL YOU!"
Severus cringed, wanting very much to perform the Langlok on her and never take it off.
"Hi Snivellus!" called out Black, giving a jolly wave. Severus was irritated to hear that Black had suddenly gained a deep, mature voice seemingly out of nowhere. Severus had had to work for his. He was unclear how Black had developed it so quickly; they'd only been gone two weeks! Life was unfair. "Did you get a new coffin for Christmas?" Potter and Pettigrew hooted with giggles.
Severus narrowed his eyes. "Huh? What in the hell do you mean?"
"Sirius," Lupin said quietly, sounding young with his high voice in comparison to the other two boys. He looked up for a fleeting moment at Severus, "I told you not to joke about that. It's not funny." Severus glowered at him meanly and he quickly looked away.
Black stretched out on the seat, one leg over the other. He tossed his chin length hair out of his eyes. "I don't have a stake, but I'll drive my wand into your heart if I have to," he called. "Sorry, Moony," he added as an afterthought.
"What?" Severus asked, scowling. "What are you trying to say? What's a Moony?"
"Boy, you're thick," Sirius laughed. Severus patted his robes for his wand. He was ready if he had to be.
Lily was looking into the compartment. "Leave him alone," she informed Sirius.
"Aw," he groaned. "How'd you even hear me?" He looked back at Severus. "You're lucky you have Evans, you know—"
"You didn't have to tell him that," Severus informed her instantly, his ears going pink. To Sirius, he announced: "I don't need her speaking up for me—"
"Seems like you do," said Sirius lazily.
"I know you don't need me," Lily said, patting his shoulder. His stomach convulsed nervously. "I want to help!"
Severus didn't have much to say to this. He knew it was true, but it was slightly embarrassing to have her jumping in, particularly in front of the four Gryffindor boys. He shrugged at her awkwardly. She obviously didn't get it.
"Come on. I just have to tell you the news!" Mary linked arms with Lily.
"What could you possibly have to say that's newsworthy?" Severus asked coldly, slightly perturbed at Mary's physical closeness to Lily. After all, he was Lily's best male friend and he didn't get to go around linking arms with her, though he'd very much like to. He knew it was silly that he was suddenly jealous of Mary for this, but he frowned callously at her anyway.
"James and I are dating," Mary said loudly, ignoring Severus' glare. As if this wasn't bad enough, Mary waved into the compartment and Potter grinned, nodding at her. He ran his hand through his hair and rumpled it up, so that it looked like he'd just gotten out of bed- idiot. Severus made what he hoped was a very hideous face. He caught Lily's eyes, and he could tell she was trying not to laugh. It was possibly the worst couple Severus had ever heard of in his life. Gossipy Mary MacDonald and Bighead James Potter. Severus felt like throwing up.
To Severus horror, though, Lily grinned. "Well, I have to hear all about it!" she exclaimed, and then turned to look at him. "Severus—are you coming? You can if you want to—"
"NO!" Mary screamed. "He can't, are you mad? He's sooo mean to James!"
"Potter is meaner to me! But I don't want to sit in there anyway. I wouldn't if you paid me a trillion Galleons," Severus snarled, and unfortunately, it was Lily who looked hurt.
"I doubt that," yelled Black. "If you had that much money, you might be able to afford better clothes—"
"Shut up," Lily snapped, before Severus could say anything. "You have no reason to speak to him like that, so just leave him alone!"
Potter nudged Black. "You'd better listen to her. She can be rather scary!" He and Mary laughed.
"I told you, Ican defend myself!" Severus hissed in Lily's direction.
"Severus," she said pleasantly, but a bit too loudly, "I know you can! But sometimes you take too long, and get too emotional. Besides, I'm happy doing it. I'll see you later, okay?" The Gryffindor boys roared with laughter ("EMOTIONAL!" shouted James). With that, she and Mary walked into the compartment, Mary sliding it shut with a snap.
Severus stared into the compartment for a few seconds and fumed, before swooping off down the aisle, his robes flying out behind him. Too emotional, he thought acrimoniously. Too emotional? It isn't like I start crying every time I have issues with Potter and Black! I do fine defending myself! I don't need Lily to help me out—she should be impressed by me, but she's not! She thinks I'm EMOTIONAL!
"Ah, it's Snape! All right, Snape?"
Severus snapped out of his furious mental tirade and looked up to see Mulciber, Avery and Rosier. He'd never been happier in their presence; at least this gave the impression that he had people to hang out with. He gave them all a formal nod and they led him to the back of the train, where some of the Slytherins had joined up in a compartment. Lucius and Narcissa were there, and they both greeted Severus pleasantly. Regulus tried to give Severus a hug, but Severus shoved him away. Lucius bought every sweet off the trolley to share with everyone, and Severus watched as he fed Narcissa a chocolate cauldron, dotting the tip of his finger with saliva and brushing a bit of chocolate off the corner of her mouth before giving her a slow and careful kiss. As Mulciber and Avery argued over who had received the best racing broom for Christmas and Rain Zabini looked over Regulus' Charms essay, Severus stared openly at the couple, desperately trying to pick up some tips. Rather than being annoyed like usual, he liked the way that Lucius held Narcissa's head between his hands when they spoke to each other, and he watched as Lucius drew circles on Narcissa's thigh as she whispered to him.
"Way to be a pervert, Snape," said Rosier into Severus' ear. He jumped slightly and glared at her.
"I'm not a pervert," he told her stuffily, his eyes flicking back to Lucius and Narcissa, who were holding hands.
"Right," said Rosier, "and I'm a Mudblood Hufflepuff who loves Herbology." She clicked her tongue. "You shouldn't watch people so obviously. If you're going to do it, you should try to be a bit more sneaky—"
"I'm not watching anyone," Severus said, wrenching his eyes away from the couple, scanning Rosier's bronze face. She looked amused, which irritated him greatly.
"I'm just trying to help you," Rosier said, sniffing. "You smell sort of off. You should probably have a bath straight away at school! Otherwise I am not ever going to be around you!"
Severus was about to say something rude regarding the fact that this wouldn't affect him much, but Mulciber leaned in. "Snape, I haven't been able to tell you! I found out over break that I've made the Slytherin team! I start next year, and I'm going to be Parkinson's replacement!"
There was a murmur of excitement amongst the Slytherins. According to those who attended the Quidditch games (everyone but Severus, apparently), Potter's existence on the Gryffindor team had played an enormous role in Slytherin losing its last couple of games. Potter had proven himself even more skilled as a chaser than a seeker, and recently made a permanent switch in positions. Gurpreet Patil, a fifth year, had taken over as seeker, and this had made Gryffindor positively undefeatable. Being that Slytherin had won the Quidditch cup for the past three years, this was vastly annoying for those who had any house pride, let alone those who followed the sport.
"Good," Severus found himself saying, though he hardly liked stroking Vincent Mulciber's sky-high ego. "I hope you knock Potter of his broom and he breaks his neck." Narcissa raised her silver eyebrows at him.
Mulciber grinned. "I do quite look forward to beating him."
"That little show off," huffed Lucius dramatically, rolling his eyes. "Kill him, Mulciber. The Potters are all scum—blood traitors and show-offs. My mother went to school with Potter's father. She told me he had a funny habit of turning every conversation into an opportunity to be complimented by anyone and everyone around him. I suppose the dragon hasn't hatched too far from the nest."
Severus laughed along with the rest of them, delighted that his friends agreed with his opinion of James. He could just imagine James' father, the one James was always quoting in class who was, in James' mind, a sort of spokesman for why Gryffindor was the best house at Hogwarts. Potter's father had, of course, also been a Quidditch champion. Severus had overheard Potter once mention to Black in Potions that his father liked competition so much, it was "almost scary". And Severus suddenly recalled he had seen a glimpse of James' father twice at King's Cross Station. The memories were fuzzy, but he remembered that both times, the man was wearing a Gryffindor-themed tie, which Severus had thought decidedly unfortunate at the time. You wouldn't see a Slytherin years out of Hogwarts wearing a bloody themed tie, Severus thought. You just wouldn't.
Lucius arranged a time to practice dueling for the next week, and Narcissa commented she'd like to attend. Rosier seemed overjoyed at this, and so did Mulciber (for different reasons, Severus figured). Everyone exchanged tidbits on what they'd been up to that break. The only thing that really tore Severus' interest away from Narcissa and Lucius' cuddle session was Regulus, who told a heated account of a fight that had happened at his house over break. Up until this point, Regulus' information on Sirius was always inconsequential and tedious ("He likes really boring cereal and sometimes he doesn't make his bed for weeks!"). But this was gold.
"Mother got super angry at my brother," said Regulus, smiling. "She called him all sorts of names—"
"Like what?" asked Severus hungrily, instantly sitting up and focusing on the slight boy with a newfound interest. "What sorts of names?"
"She called him an outcast, and an idiot. And she said she'd be happier if he wasn't born!" announced Regulus happily. Everyone broke out laughing. Severus' eye twitched, a nasty smile twisting on his lips. Sirius Black had a bad break, he thought, overjoyed. Brilliant! "And… this is the best part… he hardly got any presents. They gave them all to me and my cousins. And Mother said if he wanted to be treated like a member of the family, he had better act like one. He spent most of the break in his room until he went and visited Potter." Regulus said the name "Potter" so sneeringly that Severus was tempted to applaud. Regulus was learning well.
The two weeks of hanging out with Lily had made Severus' memory of his Slytherin housemates quite poor, but he was suddenly feeling more at home than he had with them for quite awhile. This is shaping up to be the best year yet.
"We asked each other out by owl mail!" Mary yelled, waving her arms around. Lily and the boys all broke up laughing.
"Obviously, she's not happy at all," Sirius quipped, slapping James on the shoulder. They all broke up giggling again, James wiping tears out of his eyes from laughing so hard. He smiled at Lily, his hazel eyes lacking their usual mischievous glint for the time being. Lily was a bit relieved by the light-hearted interactions of her Gryffindor fellows. She had enjoyed her time with Severus more than she had in years but his snippy nature and negative outlook on life could get a bit draining. Plus, there was the whole business of whether he had a crush on her or she had a crush on him, or both. That was tiring in itself. The last couple of times Lily had spent with Severus had made her so perplexed, she'd felt a little sick. She wondered if it was normal for a crush to make you ill—her heart pounded while they'd played hide-and-go-seek each time, but her stomach also felt like it was going to hop out of her mouth.
"We like the same Quidditch team," James said, "the Vultures—"
Sirius and Lily happened to make eyes. Obviously, he also recalled when Mary had claimed her favorite was the Hollyhead Harpees to appeal herself to him. Lily made a mental note to tell Mary to be more careful in the future. James and Mary babbled on about how they'd met up over the end of break, and Mary's expression was so overly enthusiastic that Lily knew she was dying to fill her in on more details than she'd reveal in mixed company. Remus admitted he'd been loaded down with late homework over the break (he'd had to write a longer essay to make up for the one that had gotten mysteriously damaged), Peter mentioned that he'd only seen his mother since his other relatives had left the country on a trip, and Sirius, who when asked what he'd done, instantly frowned thoughtfully and had little to say. Lily mentioned visiting London with her family and was certain to leave out the best parts about playing with Severus. However, Mary brought Severus up, to Lily's dismay.
"Did you smell him?" she asked loudly, and Peter, Sirius and James cracked up. "It was like he hadn't showered in ages!"
Lily reddened. The worst part was, she actually had smelled him, on the way to the station. It wasn't too awful a smell—it was just like a strong body odor. But still, it was quite embarrassing that Mary had noticed. Lily felt even more horrified, given the way she was started to feel about Severus; all the things they'd been doing together.
"Told you!" James said, and Lily felt like slapping him. "He doesn't wash properly. You'd think at least Malfoy would teach him how to!"
Lily slipped farther and farther down the seat, her stomach sinking. Now no one could find out about how she was feeling. No one.
When they arrived at Hogwarts, Lily wanted at once to slip away and find Severus to tell him how Mary had lied about her favorite Quidditch team to ensnare Potter (it was the sort of gossip that Severus subconsciously thrived upon). But when she found him in the Great Hall, he was surrounded by every possible awful person in Hogwarts. Malfoy, Mulciber, Avery, Rosier and Regulus Black were hanging around him like cursed necklace. Instantly repelled, Lily opted to go to her dorm where she caught up with Muruvi and Scarlet. As Lily had guessed, Mary had a lot more to say when it was only the girls. She filled in details about how cute she thought Potter's jokes were, and how utterly kind he was, what good manners, great taste in comic books, and besides, she said, "Now I can hang around Sirius more." Lily wanted to bang her head against the wall, but refrained.
Mary seemed to sense Lily's feelings and rolled her eyes. "You would be concerned, Lily," she said. "Don't worry. I'm not doing this to get with Sirius—I just like how those two act together. They're hilarious. But especially James. He has a more…" She thought for the right word. "…Subtle sense of humor." She said it as if she were describing a type of fine wine, not a teenage boy's way of kidding around. Still, she seemed sincere in her newest crush. At dinner that night, it was almost uncanny how Mary and James had so quickly morphed into a couple. They bickered loudly, held hands under the table, and shared a piece of cake together. Mary talked loudly for everyone to hear about how many points James had earned Gryffindor at his last six matches, while he grinned proudly. Lily really had to hand it to Mary—she was talentedin the world of relationships. Lily didn't even know where to get started. Across the Great Hall, Lily caught Severus' eye. He stuck his tongue out, and she laughed.
Later that night, Lily was sitting against her bed reading while Mary was painting her toenails in the middle of the floor.
"Mary," said Lily after some thought, setting down her book. "I think I read about this awhile back but… When a bloke's penis gets all hard, isn't that called an erection?"
Mary, who had been blowing on her toes loudly, let out the air like a deflating balloon. "Cauldron bottoms, Lily!" she hooted delightedly, making Lily flush, "Yes!" Her eyes grew wide. "Did you give a boy an erection?"
"Mary! Keep your voice down!" Lily warned, but it was too late. Scarlet poked her head out of her canopy and Muruvi followed suit.
"An erection?" whispered Muruvi shyly. "Isn't that when you know they want to have sex with you? That's what my sister says—"
"I don't know," Lily replied quickly, blushing deeper.
"No, my mother says an erection is just when a boy feels happy," said Scarlet.
Mary fell backwards, cracking up with laughter and kicking her bed. "HAPPY!" she screamed. "I'LL SAY!" Once she'd calmed down (after everyone had told her loudly to shut up), she cleared her throat and crossed her legs, going into guru-mode. "An erection definitely means they want to have sex with you, or else they're just going bonkers thinking about having sex. Sometimes you can see it in their trousers if they've got an erection; it's harder with robes though. But I try looking all the time, anyway, it's hilarious. So Lily, what's this all about? What happened? Is this about that boy in your neighborhood? The one whose willy you saw?"
"You saw a real, actual penis?" burst out Scarlet. "What was it like?"
"Well, before I saw it from far away," said Lily carefully, "but this break, he showed me up close." Mary screamed with excitement. "And then we were hanging out, and he sort of… Well, he picked me up and I felt it on me—"
Mary screamed delightedly and clapped her hands. The others looked a bit uncomfortable, and Lily wondered what they were thinking about her. She almost wished she hadn't brought it up, but she needed this—it was useful, if not annoying and humiliating.
"You need to find that boy and give him a good shag!" Mary instructed. Apparently, she'd been getting more vulgar since the last time Lily had seen her. Lily felt the redness in her cheeks spreading to her entire body, a wave of mortified heat searing off her. "James and I haven't even snogged yet! He's very proper. He said he wants to do everything right because I'm his first girlfriend. I tried to hold his hand and it was very sweaty. I want to give him an erection now!" she announced. "Lily, who is that neighbor boy?"
"Just a Muggle," Lily said, shrinking back into her canopy.
"What did his willy look like?" asked Muruvi boldly. Lily never thought she'd hear those words come out of her mouth.
"It was… sort of long and pink. There was lots of hair around it. And some weird thing hanging below," said Lily.
"His balls," Mary offered quickly. "Those were his balls."
The girls all giggled. Mary eyed Lily narrowly. "Are you going to finally say how big it was? Come on, Lily—you've got to, now you've seen it close, you have to say—"
Lily grimaced, her face pink, and then held up her hands to demonstrate the length, as though she'd just come back from catching a fish. "About this," she said, with a small, embarrassed smile.
Scarlet and Mary hooted; Muruvi turned purple.
"Blimey!" Mary said. "Is he cute? What does he look like?"
"Blue eyes," Lily found herself saying quickly. "Blue eyes and light hair. Nice smile."
"Dishy," said Mary. "You have to shag him. He's shown you his willy. He gets erections around you. He's basically asking for a good frigging. Next break, you'd better well do it. Or I'm coming with you and I'm going to force him on top of you, Lily!"
Lily threw her pillow at Mary's head. "Then you'll never come back with me to my house!"
"I take it back," said Mary seriously, "but I really, really want you two to get together. It would make me so very happy! So, when can I meet him?"
"Nooo," Severus moaned, sticking the tip of his wand into the teacup in front of him, swirling around the tea water slowly. "Show me something," he pleaded out loud.
Peter Pettigrew laughed, along with several other people around them.
"Honestly! Quit yelling. Do you want everyone to look over here?" Mary said, looking self-conscious. It was the fifth day of Divinations, and Severus was afraid that perhaps he was one of those people his mother had described, the ones who were dependent upon "foolish wand-waving". He'd never be able to live with himself if that was the case. Not to mention that he'd been paired up with MacDonald and Pettigrew, of all the bad luck. The only saving grace was that Peter was way worse off than Severus was at Divinations, which mostly seemed to be because he couldn't think for himself in general. . Severus realized he hadn't spent much time with Pettigrew until now, and he was beginning to wish it had stayed that way. Pettigrew was stupider than Severus had previously guessed. He had a nervous habit of bursting into squeaky laughter at very inappropriate times, and his eyes were constantly darting around, as though he was afraid someone was keeping watch on him. He dropped teacups, sprayed saliva on his set of tarot cards, and sighed in despair when he got an answer wrong—which was every other second. Mary, despite her obnoxious nature, was far better in comparison though Severus figured she was simply slowly driving him mad.
"Quit laughing at me," Severus snarled at Pettigrew, which only made the chubby boy giggle harder, little tears forming in his blue eyes.
"S-sorry," he kept saying in between giggles, "I really c-can't help it—"
"He really can't," affirmed Mary, using her textbook to interpret the rose that had formed in her tea leaves. "Oh blimey! True love is on my horizon!" she shouted, pressing her hand to her heart, and tried desperately to make eyes with Potter, but he was in the middle of an intense looking argument with Rosier and Longbottom ("Stop predicting that Frank's going to die, Rosier! It's getting annoying!" Potter was clearly heard saying).
Professor Zabini, hearing Mary's declaration, sashayed over to give her opinion. Zabini was pretty, like Snape's mum had said. She had the appearance of a gazelle, with high, plucked eyebrows, dark skin and high cheekbones, and thin legs that seemed to go on forever. She was possibly the prettiest teacher Severus had had, but she was wholly intimidating. She blinked her long eyelashes and stared over Mary's shoulder, alternating between looking at her tea leaves and her notes. "Your work is formidable, MacDonald," said Zabini in her low, icy voice, "but your execution is entirely backwards. I'm wondering… I'm wondering if you possibly are fixated on this idea of romance, yes?"
Mary frowned. Severus could not hold back a snort. All of Mary's predictions had to do with love, marriage, and having tons of children—fixated was an understatement.
"And you!" hissed Zabini, "Snape! Get that wand out of your cup—you're completely ruining your chances of seeing!" He bolted upright to attention. She flashed a spell at his cup, replacing the water, and leant over him to sprinkle in more tea leaves. She smelled like spicy perfume, and dozens of solid gold bangles clanged on her arms. Severus prayed he wouldn't get an erection in front of someone who specialized in 'seeing what was hidden'. Zabini pulled away, towering over him, her hands on her hips. "Look," she commanded.
Severus strained his eyes, as he heard Pettigrew giggling next to him. It still looked like a great lot of mushy brown stuff. Why couldn't he see? He wanted to be great at this class, at least to prove to his mum that he could do it. "I'm trying!" he said frantically, breathing hard.
Mary rolled her eyes.
"Trying is not doing, Snape," Professor Zabini said, a hint of empathy in her tone. "Look here." She pointed a long-nailed finger at the top of his mass of leaves. He squinted.
"Is it…" He tilted his head to the side, his curtain of hair falling in front of his face. He grabbed his book and flipped it hysterically, trying to find the answer.
Mary sighed, and leaned in, no doubt pretending to be helpful to look more favorable in the eyes of the professor. "It's a crescent moon!" she announced loudly. "That's bad, right?" Severus couldn't help but think she sounded a bit gleeful. He ran his finger across the page of tea leaf possibilities until he found the crescent moon. She was right—now that he saw what he was looking for, they looked similar.
Zabini crossed her arms. "Your obsession with bad and good is not suitable for improvement in Divinations, MacDonald." Mary turned pink. "A true seer does not these judgments. The crescent moon is much like death in a set of tarot, Snape. It does not mean literal death, but a change, a sort of… how do you say it? A deviation from your own normality? It could mean excitement, it could mean a small change. But something will be happening soon in your life that will be different. Keep trying," she encouraged, and walked on to Lily's table, where it looked like there was a spat going on between her and Mulciber.
Severus leaned in to listen, but it was happening too far away. He wondered if the crescent moon was simply announcing the change that had already occurred—his sister, his mother's revelations, playing with Lily and getting to touch her… Or maybe, Severus thought, watching Lily intently and licking his dry lips, it means something between me and Lily is going to change—maybe it means we are going to get closer! He felt his insides do a flip.
Lily turned away from Professor Zabini and looked straight at him, apparently sensing his stare. Severus looked at his nails.
"Aww,"said Pettigrew miserably. "I got the Grim." He leaned back in his chair and fell over. To top it off, he burst into wild, nervous laughter. Severus held his head in his hands and groaned loudly. Mary sighed.
"I cannot believe that Mulciber!" Lily declared that night after supper. "Did you hear him today?" She and Severus had agreed to meet up to work on their Divinations homework, being that they were both worried they didn't quite have the knack for it they'd hoped for.
Severus looked up from their books, where they had been attempting to interpret his personality based on his day and time of birth. Since he didn't know the time, he was estimating, which Lily told him was already a step in the wrong direction. "No… What's he done?" he asked, hoping it wasn't anything too horrible. He didn't need it too be anymore awkward between his house mates and Lily. It was already bad enough that he and Lily were spending so much time together and he couldn't tell anyone he lived with, no matter how much he wanted to brag to the others about getting to be so close to such a beautiful girl.
"Oh, he was just awful. He kept looking into my tea cup, saying that he couldn't see anything—the water was too muddy," Lily said hotly, her eyes flashing.
"Uh… So?" Severus asked slowly, looking back at his book. "MacDonald kept hoping that horrible things would happen to me—"
"No," Lily interrupted. "Muddy, Sev. He was calling me a Mudblood."
Severus snorted. Seriously? "You're being too sensitive," he commented. "Clearly what he was saying was—"
"Right, and then he predicted that all Muggle-born students were going to come down with a horrible illness and he said I'd be first," Lily went on, the pace of her voice quickening. "Am I being too sensitive now?"
Severus put his quill down. "No. But why didn't you just tell him to piss off? Why is it bothering you so much?"
"Because I know it's a horrible thing to say to someone! I used to not care as much because I hadn't grown up magical, you know? But calling someone Mudblood… well, I see it now, it's a bad insult—"
"Did he call you it exactly?" Severus asked. "In those words?"
"Well, no," Lily replied, "but he didn't have to—that was what he meant!"
Severus looked back at his book. "So, he didn't call you a Mudblood."
"Sev-er-us!" Lily exclaimed, and she actually kicked him under the table. He made a face at her.
"Damn it! That hurt!"
"Good!" Lily said loudly. "I hope it did! You're not listening—"
"I'm listening all right. I just don't think it's such a big deal," Severus replied.
"You're not Muggle-born, though," Lily snorted. "I know your mother says it, Severus, but it's not a nice word—it just isn't. I don't see why you hang around him. He's a little off, Sev. Definitely not good news."
"I don't really hang around him," Severus lied, "I room with him. That's all." If Lily was unsatisfied with that answer, she did not say.
Instead she yawned and excused herself to bed, leaving Severus with many questions and many unsaid words.
"You're going to come to my Quidditch game, right, Evans? You don't have a study date with Snivelly?" Potter teased, poking Lily with his quill. She glared at him and scooted further down the red velvet couch. The common room was bustling with many students studying, joking, talking and practicing spells.
Mary shoved Potter's shoulder. "Shut it, James. Lily doesn't date Snivellus. She's too good for that. She's got… other people to date." She leaned across James and waggled her dark eyebrows. James' eyes widened.
"Shut it yourself, Mary," said Lily lightly, but looked down at her book worriedly, her insides tightening. She should have known better to bring up the erection subject, because now it was all Mary wanted to talk about. Erection this, erection that. According to Mary, nearly every boy at Hogwarts was concealing an erection beneath his robes and she'd ask Lily loudly to estimate how big his penis was. This was bad enough, but it also brought up a whole other problem: If Lily thought her friends hated Snape before, she really knew they hated him now. "Oh good, Lily," Alice had said after Mary blabbed the news of Lily's "neighborhood boy", "I'm glad you're hanging out with other boys besides Snape—he's so mean, I was worried for you." And Mary made millions of jokes about "letting Snivellus down easily", to which Lily would tell her that Snape didn't even fancy her. This situation was quickly weaving a large web of confusion and lies. And all the while, Lily longed for more alone time with Severus to try and sort out all of the uncertainty in her head. But it had only added more pressure.
They'd been studying Divinations together. Severus was less miserable than she was, but he was still laughably bad. They had started out studiously, as usual, but at this point they were coming up with horrible ways for themselves to die. Severus had become rather guilty though and was back to trying with all his might to make accurate predictions. Other than this, they'd begun to have Astronomy class together on Friday nights. It had been too cold to stay out very long but Professor Lovegood had said that by spring, the weather would be great enough to be able to lie out on the Astronomy Tower roof and have extended class periods. Thankfully, Severus had started smelling the same as usual—not so rank, though there was still a sort of musky odor that hung about him.
They'd had several dueling practices, but they had been actual dueling practices. Severus had become quite good, and he was teaching Lily an awful lot of his spells. Disappointingly though, they'd moved past the stage where Severus was touching Lily to help her. Now they mostly just cursed each other into oblivion. Lily had made Severus promise he wouldn't go easy on her, and he'd complied. Lily figured that was partly because he wanted to show off, judging by his crooked smirk every time he "won" a duel.
"I suppose I'll come to your stupid Quidditch game," Lily told Potter, looking back at her book, "but only because I know Mary will hex me if I don't."
"Who're you dating?" James asked, and Lily blushed.
"Nobody," she said quickly.
Mary put her arm around James. "A really good-looking neighbor she has."
"Oh," said James, and Lily could see him watching her out of the corner of her eye. "Well, cheers, Evans. It's about time you gave Snivellus the slip. Especially in favor of a good-looking bloke—"
"Would you just shut your foul mouth, Potter?" Lily snarled, her voice getting higher. She closed her book, and left the room.
Potter had all ready turned his lovebird into a locket, and McGonagall had awarded Gryffindor ten sodding points. "Well done, Potter," she'd said, giving him her rare smile. Severus was only doing better than one person, and that was Peter Pettigrew. This would absolutely not do! Severus wanted house points! Severus wanted McGonagall to praise him! But most of all, he hated that Lily had told Lupin he'd done a nice job. Not to mention, she'd turned her lovebird to a locket and then right back again, like it was nothing! Severus felt absolutely on the verge on insanity.
"HURRAH!" shouted Pettigrew, hurting Severus' ear. "I DID IT!" The entire class turned around, all looking entirely bewildered. McGonagall dropped her wand. "Yay!" said Pettigrew stupidly, swinging the locket around his head.
Severus was suddenly full of seething hatred for the dumb, chattering lovebird that sat in front of him. "Intestiplodus!" he snarled without really thinking, pointing his wand at the bird. There was a pop as the lovebird's intestines wrenched out of its skin, and popped out like a piñata, going up several meters into the air and then landing on the floor between McGonagall's feet.
"Oh damn," he said darkly. The class erupted in screams of horror and several people burst into tears, which he thought was getting carried away. After all, it was only a magical lovebird. It was going to disappear by the end of class anyway. Still, he hadn't really meant to react that way. Potter and Black were staring at him from across the aisle, disgusted. "I'm so cool," mocked Sirius loudly, "I know dark magic!"
"Severus Snape," said McGonagall firmly, waving her wand so that the bird was once again connected with the rest of its body. It chattered happily in front of Severus as though nothing had happened to it. "I'd like it very much if you could see me after class."
Severus paled, and nodded.
Class seemed to drag on after that, and when the bell tolled, Severus bowed his head and waited as the other students filed out. Someone slapped something on his back. Severus groped for it—it was a piece of parchment that said simply I AM A FREAK. Severus ripped it up.
As soon as the classroom had cleared out, McGonagall walked over and took a seat in front of Severus, crossing one leg over the other and folding her arms. He tried to interpret her expression. She didn't look happy, but then again, when did she? "I expect you know why I kept you," she said quietly, peering at him through her thick glasses.
Severus shrugged, feeling small. He picked up his quill and brushed the feather-end slowly from side to side over the table. McGonagall snatched the quill out of his hands and held it down on the table, forcing Severus to look up at her through his hair. "I didn't mean to do that," he said softly, shaking his hair from side to side.
"It isn't really the fact that you didn't mean to, Snape. It is the fact that you knew
the spell in the first place, and that you went to it first in a time of desperation. Where did you learn that spell, Snape?"
"I learnt it from Lucius Malfoy," Severus said," but I'd never used it before." This was all a lie, of course. Severus had read it in one of the old curse books he'd gotten from his mum, and he'd practiced it on a few rabbits he'd found while walking around the Forbidden Forest the Christmas he'd stayed in for break. He figured this was all right because no one would miss them anyway. Plus, it was sort of neat to see them explode.
McGonagall seemed to be thinking. "Lucius Malfoy, you said?" Severus nodded. He figured that whatever trouble Lucius got into, if any, he could handle it. "You do understand what that spell implies, Snape?"
Severus replied that no, he did not.
"Although it is somewhat useful to familiar oneself with the Dark Arts, Hogwarts is not an institution where it is appropriate to go and test out dark curses—'
"I didn't know it was a dark curse," Severus lied—
"And you figured it would be appropriate to blast a bird into pieces, Snape?"
Severus shrunk down again, averting his eyes. "I didn't really think, I guess…"
McGonagall tapped her nail on the table, apparently thinking. "This er… This rivalry has got to come to an end, Snape."
"Rivalry? I don't know what you mean—"
"You, Pettigrew, Potter, Black, Lupin" said McGonagall pointedly. "I see the way you react when Potter does something right. It only makes you perform worse, Snape. Jealousy is extremely unsightly—you are a good student, very ambitious—"
"I'm not jealous," Severus put in quickly, not hearing the praise. "I'm not jealous of him, of all people. I just… he's always… I don't…"
In a moment of softness that Severus had not witnessed before, McGonagall patted his arm. He flinched slightly, and she stopped instantly. "Snape, I was once a student too. I am not so old that I have forgotten the sheer direness of being a teenager."
"Okay," Severus said shortly, not believing her at all. And besides, he wasn't feeling like this because he was a teenager, this was how he felt about Potter and it was how he would always feel!
"Take my advice, Snape. Practice harder, study, read. You are intelligent—you merely get caught up in class and don't perform as well as I know you can. And for Godric's sake—" she gave a thin smile—"Do not repeat spells you hear from Lucius Malfoy!"
"Amazing," congratulated Mulciber that night. "You scared everyone to pieces with that spell! Sonya Blackhart wouldn't stop sobbing. Apparently she's a great bird lover—"
"Yeah, Snape, well done!" Avery cheered. "Even Rosier got upset!"
"No I didn't," said Rosier, and flicked Avery in the ear. "I liked it. It just caught me by surprise! Did McGonagall get you in big trouble?" she wanted to know.
Severus was grinning crookedly. This was improving his day greatly. "Yes," he lied instantly, "she said she was afraid of me learning all that dark magic. She reckons I'm trying to become a…" He lowered his voice. "A dark wizard."
Rosier, Mulciber and Avery all sneered at each other and then broke up laughing. Severus felt his heart drop. "A dark wizard?" Rosier shouted in her nasly voice. "YOU?" They all laughed hysterically.
"Why not? We duel together—you've seen me!" Severus shouted back, balling up his fists. They were supposed to be his friends! Weren't they? The portraits on the common room walls began to swing rapidly from side to side.
A few first years shrieked, but the older students just stared at Severus, annoyed ("So dramatic," said a prefect).
"Get back to us when you're a real dark wizard," said Rosier stuffily, and hooked arms with the two other boys. "Snivellus." Mulciber and Avery looked over their shoulders, shrugging, but they said nothing.
And being that Lucius Malfoy was not about, nobody corrected Rosier's usage of Snape's awful nickname. This is turning out to be a horrible year.
"Snivellus reckons he's becoming a dark wizard. Rosier told me," Muruvi whispered during study hall as Binns floated past, looking over their shoulders. Lily's ears perked up, though she still pretended to look like she was copying out notes.
"After the bird incident, I'd say he's well on his way," Scarlet said out of the side of her mouth.
Lily kept her head down, and made sure to talk without her mouth moving. She and Severus had perfected the art of talking in class, after being bored out of their skulls together in first year Herbology. "That bird thing was hardly dark magic. Right?"
Mary piped in loudly: "You still talk to Rosier, Murvui! Ugh! She's disgusting!" Binns floated over and Mary instantly put her head down until he'd left. "Anyway, I know it wasn't a real bird, but you have to admit it was pretty creepy of him to react that way," Mary said out of the side of her mouth. "He's a freak, Lily. You're not supposed to use magic like that!"
"What if it had been a real bird?" Scarlet asked.
"It wasn't though," Lily remarked. "It was a magical bird, and therefore, no damage was done. He's not a dark wizard, he just likes scary things. And I like scary things, too. So am I dark?" she challenged.
"Who's a dark wizard?" asked James, leaning his head into Mary's.
"Snivellus?" piped in Sirius, popping up between Lily and Muruvi from the floor where he'd dropped his quill set. "My brother said he knows all kinds of cool spells. And cool to Regulus means creepy."
"You're so not a dark wizard, Lily," Mary said loudly, and James nudged her to be quiet. "You're not," she whispered.
Lily shrugged. "I think all of you are a bunch of scardies."
Severus had no idea why he'd ever thought that Mulciber, Avery and Rosier were his friends. He felt incredibly stupid for it, but he'd never admit that to anyone. They still came to dueling practice, but it was obvious now that they were more enamored with the idea of spending time with Lucius, Narcissa, and (even!) Regulus than Severus. To Severus' chagrin, Regulus was sort of becoming popular. He'd been offered a place on the Quidditch team, and so he and Mulciber would chatter endlessly about the subject and often challenged each other on the pitch. Waves of Slytherin students came out to watch. Severus was no exception, but he went to make fun of them, and he always brought a book along to prove he wasn't interested.
The snow had long since melted, and Severus hadn't even considered the fact that Lucius would soon be leaving Hogwarts forever until he got a large envelope on a March morning at breakfast. It was royal blue with lots of loopy cursive. When Severus opened it up, it announced Lucius' coming graduation in June and invited Severus to attend a sort of birthday and graduation combination party at the manor. Severus set it down, and stared at Lucius, who was sitting right next to him. "Why the hell couldn't you have just handed me this in person?" Severus wanted to know.
Lucius chuckled and patted his shoulder. "You'll come, won't you?"
"I had no idea you'd be going," Severus said miserably, eying Mulciber, Avery and Rosier who were chattering excitedly over their invites. "I mean… I'm not stupid, I knew you were—but I didn't… Well, I forgot. That's all."
"We'll still be best friends though. I'll be sure to visit you," Lucius said, and Severus brightened considerably. Best friends, he thought hopefully. "And you're welcome at the manor whenever you please, no matter what Hagawthe thinks. My parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told them I want Hagawthe to stay where he's at. They thought I was joking, but I wasn't."
"I'll be there either way," said Severus, but he was all ready thinking forebodingly about how things would be once Lucius was graduated. Would his Slytherin dorm mates treat him the same? He didn't know what he'd do if things changed. He was feeling miserable enough as it was. It seemed every day, someone slapped something on his back or made a foul comment about him. Today, he'd gotten a parchment put on him with spellotape that said HEX ME and Sirius Black had told everyone that he did not ever shower. This was not the truth. Sometimes he forgot to shower, but he always made up for it! It was just that showering and taking baths was not at the forefront of his mind— Mum had always trusted him enough that he could take care of himself and shower whenever he needed to! He'd gotten in two dueling fights with Potter and Black, both of them ending with him looking like an idiot. When Lily asked him about them, he'd lied hugely, being that he was awfully humiliated.
Lily. The upside to life lately had been Astronomy lessons because sometimes, Lily would choose to sit next to him to watch the stars. She'd make little jokes and he'd poke her with his quill. Each time, he heavily considered holding her hand, weighing out his options and the pros and cons until the lesson was over. Most of the time he felt so excited, he thought he'd burst. Then some nights, she'd sit next to Alice and her Gryffindor dorm mates, and he'd watch her intently as she threw back her hair and giggled sweetly at whatever silly thing they were talking about. Severus knew she was going through the motions; she was better than those giggly girls. They'd make eye contact and she'd flash him a smile. Those were the best moments. That smile.
He'd given up on asking her whether or not they were going together, because he figured if he messed this up, he'd nothing to look forward to.
Lily's performance this year in her studies had skyrocketed upward, if that was possible. Though she'd most always gotten Outstandings, now she was being recommended for all sorts of extra work. She'd been asked to be a professor's aide in Muggle Studies next year by Professor Cardamom Wronkers, Professor Flitwick had whispered squeakily that she'd been given "top honors" in his class that year, and Slughorn, as usual, was loudly singing her praises. Slughorn had appointed her to help him with his end of the year party, which mostly consisted of the two of them filling the dungeons with colorful decorations and chatting together before the event.
"Have you considered being a Potions Master, Lily?" asked Slughorn, flicking his wand at a thousand balloons, making them float about the air. "You'd be quite keen!"
"Yes," nodded Lily cheerfully, beaming at the praise. "I actually want to open an Apothecary, along with a book shop. Severus and I both want to—"
"Oh ho! It's curious you two have wielded such a strong bond," said Slughorn, twirling his mustache, his expression darkening as though he were worried about something. "He's a lucky boy for that! He's very intelligent, but he's a bit of a recluse, is our Snape!"
"He's not a big fan of people," Lily admitted, her face turning red, as it had lately when anyone had mentioned Severus. It seemed as though people were disliking him more than ever. It really wasn't doing Lily any favors to have to constantly defend him. She was afraid people were going to begin to suspect things.
Slughorn laughed, his great stomach shaking and his mustache flapping. "You have a kind way with words, Miss Evans! A very kind way! I won't give up on our boy Snape just yet, though I must say his social skills are quite lacking. Though, we can't all be blessed with social graces… Poor boy. Still, he is keen. I've never had a student whose responses to my homework are so on the dot. Very precise, he is. Do you think he's bound to go far?" There was a change to Slughorn's expression. It was an expectant and curious look, as though he were a very large cat ready to pounce.
Lily gave Slughorn a funny look. "Sure," she said. "He's very smart. He makes his own spells. And he's very serious about school, even more than me sometimes. We both want to invent new potions. I think if we own an Apothecary, he'll be really good. After all, then I can do most of the talking."
Slughorn laughed again, making Lily flush. Adults didn't ever understand serious statements, she decided, and went to work putting out the many éclairs the professor had ordered.
"Hey big nose!" called out Sirius Black, trailing Snape out of the front entrance of the castle.
"Snivellus!" Peter squeaked, panting a bit, "slow down! We're talking to ya!"
"That's why I'm not stopping, stupid!" Severus threw over his shoulder.
"Word has it you've learned all kinds of new tricks!" Sirius continued. "Come on! Let's see them! Think you're special? Think you're neat? A real dark wizard now, are you?"
"Oy, he hasn't done anything, so leave him be!" Lupin said, catching up to the boys, Potter by his side.
"Hush, Remus—I wanna see this!" James said, grabbing Remus' shoulder. "Mulciber's spread it around that Snivs has all kinds of curses now. Thinks he's dark. Even the Slytherins think he's a big joke! Apparently Malfoy's been training him up—we have to know what the enemy is plotting!"
"Don't be stupid," said Lupin, though he was following all of the boys down the path toward the Greenhouses. "Snape's not the enemy, he's just sort of—"
"Just what?" snapped Severus, and he turned around, his teeth bared. "You're one to talk, Lupin. What are those dark circles under your eyes about? I saw you sleeping in class. I'd take away points from Gryffindor if I were the professor and saw you like that, and I see you going to the hospital wing all the time, what are you, sick?"
Lupin looked from side to side. "That's nothing—"
"Ha!" Snape said, eyes wide, manically picking up on Lupin's discomfort. "There's something going on with you, and I'll find out!"
"There's nothing wrong with me!" Lupin said desperately.
"Shut up, you nutter," said Potter, sounding extremely irritated.
But Severus looked delirious. "Don't get me started on you, Potter! You're lazy! You only care about Quidditch and you're only fair at that—"
"Don't care what you think," James said with a shrug. "Your opinion means nothing to me, really. Expelliarmus!"
Snape's wand flew out of his hand and the three boys howled with laughter. Remus folded his arms, watching passively from behind James.
Severus looked at each boy in turn, panting wildly. There was no way for him to get at his wand—Sirius had picked it up and was twirling it around. "Give it back," said Severus desperately.
"Like I would!" Sirius laughed. "Take back what you said about Remus and about James! Remus isn't sick, and James is the best at Quidditch. And you know it!"
"There IS something up with Lupin, though!" Severus shouted, hopping up and down in morbid exhilaration. His eye twitched slightly. "Potter even said so! Potter admitted it! I tricked him into admitting it! I watch out for Lupin—he's always coming out of the nurse's, he's sick! HE'S SICK!"
"YOU'RE SICK!" Sirius imitated in Snape's deep, excited voice, jumping up and down as well. The boys all laughed, save for Lupin, who smiled slightly.
Severus went to grab for his wand and Sirius shoved him backward. Severus fell back hard on his bottom and scowled. He felt wet mud seeping in through his trousers.
"Sirius," said Lupin warningly, but did nothing.
But Sirius went on. "You're pathetic, really. The only person in this entire school who can stand you is Evans, and she doesn't even like you that much, she only feels sorry for you—"
Severus scowled, his hands shaking at his sides. "You don't know ANYTHING ABOUT LILY! THAT ISN'T TRUE!"
"Sure, it is," Black grinned, and Severus searched his brain for something, anything…
"You think I'm afraid of you, Black?" Severus said, suddenly hit with inspiration. Why hadn't he thought to say all of this before? He pushed himself off the ground and grabbed for his wand again. Black backed up, holding his wand away. "Your brother talks, you know. He says all the stupid things you do at home."
"Shut up, Snivellus," Black said, and to Severus' delight, he saw something change in Black's eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Sure you do," said Severus, grinning widely. Through his curtain of black hair, his black eyes glittered through narrow slits and his crooked teeth gleamed in the spring sun. "You know what I mean. Last Christmas." He made a move toward Black again, and grabbed for the wand, and this time, he snatched it back. Potter took waved his wand at Severus threateningly, but none of them did anything. The air was quiet. They were waiting.
"Last Christmas what?" Sirius snapped, standing his ground. "If you have something to say, spit it out, you crazy little snake."
Severus smiled, as though he were about to recount a fond memory. He folded his arms and lowered his voice, advancing forward on the boys, his cloak billowing behind him. He was whispering, but he could see them hanging onto his every word. "Your mum thinks you're a big failure, Black. I know about it. Everyone in Slytherin knows. She called you names—outcast, idiot… Reg said you got hardly any presents. She said if you started acting like part of the family, then you'd be treated that way. You think you're better than me? You're not better than me, Black. You're a joke. Maybe people like you here, but they hate you at home. I heard you cry up in your room all the time. I hear you're really, really depressed. You're not better than me at all. Your mum wishes you weren't born—"
"SHUT IT!" yelled Sirius, and he was on Severus in a flash. He shoved him backward into the mud again and then sank down to his knees, punching Severus repeatedly in the face. Severus was so taken aback that all he could do was try to cover his face. He'd been expecting a duel; physical altercations were definitely not his strong suit. He heard a large crack! and his nose exploded in pain. He felt warm blood dribbling out—from where, he did not know. From everywhere? He tried to shove Black off, but Black was strong.
"Mate!" yelled Potter, and then, "Sirius! Stop!" He ran over and grabbed Sirius' robes. Pettigrew was jumping up and down, delivering blows in the air to an invisible opponent while cheering. At last, Lupin slowly walked over and helped Potter tear Black away from Severus. "Oh, blimey, Sirius," said Potter quietly, and his face wore an expression that Severus had seldom seen. His eyes were wide and boyish behind his glasses, his mouth an 'o' shape. Severus' face was caked with dirt and dark blood, and he was shaking horribly in the knees. This was the first time he'd been punched since his father had left. He stared off into nothingness, his heart pounding, his mouth dry. He felt sick. His eyes wandered, and found Potter's.
Potter shook his shoulder softly. "Snivellus. Are you all right?"
Severus pulled himself away from the boys, his knees shaking hugely in rage, tears pulling at his eyes, he would not cry, he would not cry. Potter's eyes were wide and almost sympathetic, and he jostled Sirius' shoulder, looking worried. Lupin stared at Severus with his arms folded, looking bored. Severus hated them all. Severus' voice came out as a hateful yowl: "Fuck you, Potter, you bleeding wanker, you don't give a fucking shit about me, so don't act like it, just leave me alone, I swear to—I swear, I will get you back for this!" Potter recoiled as though Snape had hexed him.
"May I quote you on that, Severus Snape?" came a slightly amused voice from behind them.
"Headmaster!" squeaked Pettigrew, turning around first. Severus paled and averted his eyes. Shit, could this get any worse? Now I'll probably get a telling off for cursing.
"Yes, it is I," said Dumbledore, stooping in beside the boys. "I was on my way to pay a visit to our gamekeeper when I heard what sounded like a tussle—and unfortunately it seems that my ears did not fail me. Epsiki," he said quietly, pointing his wand at Severus' face. There was a small crack of bones and Severus held in his breath. "That should fix the nose. The eye will heal, given time. I recommend applying a cool cloth to it tonight, though, Severus." Dumbledore pulled a purple star-covered handkerchief out of his robes. "For your face," he explained.
Severus took it, his hands shaking, and began to wipe off the blood and dirt, all the while glaring deeply at the other boys. Black and Potter had set their jaws, and their eyes were wide.
"I'm sorry, Headmaster. I got a little out of hand, you see—Sn—Snape was insulting Remus and James," Black said quickly.
"And why, might I ask, are you apologizing to me?" the old Headmaster asked, and although he was smiling, his eyes were a bit dark.
"Er—well, I was just—" Black's face fell. "Sorry, Snape." He hung his head, and then looked up at Severus angrily. "He should apologize, too! He called Remus sick—and he called—"
"Don't bring me into this," said Lupin. "He hardly said anything to me, I mean, anything out of the ordinary."
"What does that mean?" moped Severus, mopping at his face.
"No offense, Snape, but you're kind of rude," said Lupin, and immediately looked sorry he said it. Pettigrew giggled, and then clapped his hand over his mouth.
Severus made a growling sound in his throat. Dumbledore looked around at each of them.
"Don't try to lie, Snape. You're rude. You're really rude," put in Black, and to Severus' surprise, he sounded quite un-cool for once. "Those things you said… Take them back!"
"Take back what you've said about me!" Severus shouted.
"No," said Black.
"Then I won't take back what I've said," Severus replied.
"But the things we say are different," said Black. "Right, James?"
"Yeah!" James said, tearing his eyes away from Severus and looking at the Headmaster. "We just like joking around. That's all."
"I've noticed your joking around has bought you many detentions in the short three years you have been here," commented Dumbledore, smiling.
"Uh…. Maybe, yeah," said Black, and Severus smiled through the blood. He hoped they'd get in loads of trouble and maybe even get expelled. "But still—it's just fun. But Snape is mean—"
"You're mean, too!" Severus said loudly.
"And he's whiny," put in Black.
"McGonagall had alerted me to a problem earlier this year," said Dumbledore smoothly. "Honestly, that woman is so keen I am sometimes tempted to give her my job. She had spoken to me about severe issues involving you five, and house rivalry—"
"Five?" Lupin burst out. "I haven't done a thing—"
"And perhaps that is not something to brag about, Mr. Lupin," said Dumbledore. The boys all looked confused. "Anyway, I should hope you all will work on your issues and stop this behavior. And if it persists, all of you should feel free to come to myself or your head of house. Greater action may need to be taken."
"What about now?" Severus asked. "Are we all getting in trouble?" He was ready to fight it—he'd only served detention once, when McGonagall had caught him dueling in the hallways but she'd she would not officially document it since he had been provoked.
Dumbledore, to Severus' surprise, shook his head. "None of you will be facing any punishment. This time."
Severus glowered at the Gryffindors, who were all smiling, besides Black. Black still looked a bit morose. I got him good, thought Severus pleasantly, despite feeling this whole ordeal was quite unfair. The others deserved the very same. Not to mention now that it was obvious there was something going on with Lupin. Severus would definitely find out what that was!
He caught Potter staring at him, and he glared meanly. Potter looked away instantly.
"Well, that's not even half of what happened," Severus told Lily hotly, nearly as hot as the strange summery air that had surprised the student body of Hogwarts that day. It was close to the end of term, and instead of studying, most of the students had found it fit to jump in the lake, play games, and other such ridiculous pastimes. Severus had spent his day finishing up his essays and looking forward to Astronomy class. It was finally warm enough that they'd received post class would be an extra hour long, and they'd be lying out on the tower roof. They'd been instructed to bring blankets and their journals to make drawings and extensive notes. Severus had hoped all day that Lily would choose to sit by him, and he'd shown up early to secure a spot in the back. Lily always suggested they sit in the back, which suited him fine because he didn't want his classmates gossiping about him and Lily. Luckily, Lily had the same idea, and had immediately come to join him. However, it was a half hour in and they were arguing quietly about the fight between Black and Severus. Apparently, all Black had recounted was Severus' words about his family. Severus wished his nose was still broken so that he could show Lily the damage that Black had done him!
"I believe you," whispered Lily, leaning toward his ear, "but you can't react that way. People are beginning to think that you're a bit off. The bird, and now this—"
"This is way different than the bird! That stupid bird! It wasn't even real! Black's the worst. If you'd have seen the blood, you'd believe me."
"All right, but what about Remus? He didn't do anything. You have no reason to hate him so much!" Lily said.
"You have no reason to like him so much," Severus replied, just as fiercely. "He's boring, and a bad writer to boot."
"He's nice, Severus. You're just being odd about him," Lily said, staring back up at the night sky, the slight breeze rippling her hair around her shoulders. "As usual." Severus had a strong urge to touch it, but he did not. He sat stiffly by her side, their legs grazing each others'. "Anyway," Lily went on, "it's hard for me when you're so mean to all of my housemates. I wish you'd just keep it to yourself—"
"But… it's not just me!" Severus tried to explain. "Everyone's out to get me—you don't get it—"
"Not everyone," said Lily softly, and turned to face him. "I'm not."
"Not talking about you," Severus said. "You're brilliant, you are."
He could see her blush in the moonlight, and he looked away quickly. He tried to focus on Lovegood lecturing on and on, and the constellations, or the night sky in general, or anything else but Lily's warm body beside him, but it was impossible. Everything was so difficult lately. Severus was looking forward very much to fourth year, given that they'd have advanced classes, and he'd decided that having Lucius away would make hanging out with Lily loads easier. But his emotions had been haywire lately and he hated it. Maybe he was emotional.
"What are you thinking about?" asked Lily from his side.
"Nothing much," he said quietly, "just about next year. I'm ready to learn more spells. I just… I hate most everyone here." He flexed and un-flexed his fingers close to her thigh. If he had any amount of courage, he'd grab her hand. Suppose there's an upside to being a Gryffindor, he thought bitterly.
"Hate is a strong word," clucked Lily.
"So what?" asked Severus, and poked her in the arm with his quill.
"Don't do that," she advised, and grabbed his wrist in her hand, lowering it to the ground between their bodies. Severus grinned at the sky. His heart pounded. They sat there for a moment in silence, and Lily removed her hand from his wrist, crossing her arms over her chest. Lovegood had stopped lecturing, telling them instead to focus on the night sky and make observations quietly. The air was very thick. Severus swallowed, and tried again to focus above them. Lily was watching the stars, her mouth slightly open, her lips full and pretty in the dark.
Something came over him then. They were so close he could smell her shampoo and feel her leg against his. He wanted to do something, anything, to be close to her. He wanted her to see him as Severus, and not just a Dementor in their game. She obviously liked him enough, he figured. She'd asked to see him without his pants. She had to like him a bit. Unless this was some sort of thing friends did that he was unaware of. There was only one way to find out for sure.
And so, after scanning around the roof (no one was looking back at them—everyone was focused on the night sky, even the professor), Severus stuck his hand out to find Lily's but ended up, in the process of searching in the dark, missing her folded arms completely and brushing instead, her breasts.
He heard Lily breathe in next to him, but she said nothing and did not move. He considered moving his hand away, but he felt like he was rooted to the spot. He ran his fingers across her chest, feeling the softness of the two breasts beneath his long fingers, his eyes widening, all the while looking up at the night sky. He spread out his fingers so that he could cup each breast in turn. It was difficult, not being able to see, but he kept it up. Underneath his fingers, he felt her nipples harden. He immediately did not care anymore about trying to grab her hand and, trapped completely in anticipation, he began to rub her breasts slowly through her robes. He swallowed again, completely hard there in the darkness, completely excited, and very aware of the forty or so students just meters away from them. He could hear Lily breathing softly, and out of the corner of his eye he could see her looking upward like he was.
Slowly, Severus brought his sweaty hand down her chest, down her stomach, feeling her breathing make it rise and fall—up, down, up, down. He felt the curve of her hip with his fingers, licking his lips, focusing on the night sky but wanting desperately to see her face, to ask what she was thinking. But he knew that talking would spoil it. He trailed his fingers down her thigh and across her leg. In his mind, he imagined the photograph from his magazine, the one with the woman sitting with her legs spread out—her secret place, her hidden place. His breathing grew heavy; he felt his erection shift in his pants. Was this how things were supposed to go?, he wondered but he did not care very much. He did not feel like he had the capacity to think much of anything.
He let his hand sit on her thigh for a moment, and glanced at Lily through the corner of his eye. Her eyes were closed and on her face was an unreadable expression. Her breathing made her chest and stomach fall—up and down—and the air was still quiet. Severus drew in a breath as he moved his hand over her privates, his fingers fanned out, nails grazing the layer of robes there. He wanted very much to get his hand inside her robes, but he simply ran his fingers over the area, pressing in with his nails. He heard Lily utter a small sound, a gasp of sorts. He did not stop, though his ears got hot at that sound. He moved his fingers lower, and felt the spread of her private area, felt where it dipped between her legs. Watching the night sky, he spread his hand out over her privates and let his fingers make indentations like soft scratches. He could feel her jeans through her robes, and he could hear both their hearts pounding. Lily moaned quietly, and he felt his breathing get stilted with excitement. He wanted nothing more than to get his hand down in there, beneath all the maddening material that separated her from his fingers, but he still kept his hand where it was. He quickened the motion, pressing her deeply with his nails, bringing them up and down through her robes and jeans. Lily put her hand over her mouth, uttering another soft sound.
"It is about ten o'clock, class! Thank you for your time tonight, are there any questions?" rang out Professor Lovegood's loud voice from the very first grouping of students in the front of the tower roof.
Instantly, Lily bolted upright and shoved Severus' hand off of her. He couldn't see her face as she picked up her book bag and scooted closer to their classmates, but he figured he did not need to. His face was scorching in the summer dark. His robes suddenly felt sweltering; sweat was pooling in his armpits and at the back of his neck. He watched as Lily asked a thorough question about Orion's Belt, and he watched her fling her hair over her shoulder as Lovegood answered. He watched her slip her bag over her shoulder and he watched her stand up and slip between MacDonald and Lupin, laughing and nodding in response to whatever they were saying. He watched her leave and when he was the last person left on the tower roof, he sat, motionless, in the dark.