AN: Hey all! I've gotten quite a few messages asking if this story will be canon. The simple answer is that it will be reasonably canon-compliant. Fortunately for me, we weren't given too many details about Snape and Lily's relationship (apart from their falling out), and we certainly didn't know much about James and Lily as a couple, either (only biased accounts from admirers and loved ones). I'm going to take matters into my own hands. Starting with this chapter, things may be a bit A/U based on how you judge canon. But I think it could be canon because we don't have all the necessary information. Blah blah blah.

Please note: Because this story is going to follow Severus and Lily throughout their lives, there will be a point (later) during which it will be heavily about James and Lily's relationship and the Marauders during Lily's segments. I don't really enjoy writing that pairing, but it's necessary to carry the story where I want it to go (and a worthy challenge for me). Rest assured though, this is a Snape/Lily fic through and through. I don't want to give anything away, but please believe there will be drama, scandal and lots of sex (that's why you're reading, isn't it? Don't even lie to me... wel, not everyone is like me, I suppose).

Also, I don't know whether Muggle parents can get through the platform barrier, though it seems that the Evanses and the Dursleys do in canon. For the purpose of this chapter, let's pretend that they can. Is there anything else I should go on and on about? Oh, in personal news, I co-hosted a Harry Potter party during which everyone had to come in character and stay in character. I was Snape. It was quite successful. We had a wide range of people, including Molly Weasley, Slughorn, Winky, and many others. It took a lot of showering to get all the oil out of my hair. YES I AM A BIT INSANE. ENJOY THIS CHAPTER!

Chapter Thirteen: Ribbons Undone

Summer before Fourth Year

Lie down in a field if you can

look at the night sky

oh, where does it end?

Sometimes it hurts, when you care about me

But it's gonna hurt more, when they take you from me.

We have got to take cover,

Brother.

We have got to take cover,
Brother.

-THE ORGAN

It had been a week since the incident on the Astronomy Tower and Severus could not get Lily to speak with him for more than three seconds. In every single class he had with the Gryffindors, he'd try to get her to look up, but she was always sitting in between Lupin and MacDonald, with Pettigrew, Potter and Black surrounding them like some sort of protective shield. Severus tried to catch Lily's eye, but she had either forgotten about him completely or was trying to. He watched her reading, taking notes, chatting and laughing happily with her Gryffindor housemates, and not once did she care to look for him. During Divinations, she kept her head ducked behind crystal balls or tarot cards. In Transfigurations, she sat at the front corner and never looked behind her. In Potions, she sat with Frank and Alice. And in Astronomy that week, she was early and sitting with her roommates. She seemed to always be one step ahead of him. He'd tried other tactics, like asking in Transfigurations if she had a quill, but she'd shrugged lamely and given him a funny sort of smile he'd never seen before. He'd asked if she wanted to study after Potions and she'd run out the door, linking arms with Paradigm and MacDonald, calling behind her that she was busy while the other girls giggled.

Unfortunately for Severus, he needed to talk to Lily more than ever. He felt like he was going to burst into a thousand pieces if he wasn't able to soon. Every night, he tossed and turned in bed rehearsing what he'd say to her the next day, and then he'd have to repeat the process when he couldn't track her down. By Thursday, he'd written a dialogue that took up too many sheets of parchment than he wished to admit. On Friday, he scrapped the dialogue and started over. On Saturday, she was nowhere to be found except at mealtimes and then, she kept her head behind a book. By Sunday, Severus was determined that he was becoming a bit deranged.

By mid-week, his Slytherin housemates who spent enough time around him to notice his blank stares and endless writing began to ask questions. Rosier snapped her fingers and clapped in front of his face, and Mulciber started spreading around that Severus had ingested too many chemicals in Potions. Lucius had a concerned conversation with him, and all Severus could do was nod and shrug, open-mouthed and staring above his friend's head. It was Regulus who gave Severus a viable excuse on Thursday: He'd offered his sympathy about the fight that had happened that past month, and had promised he'd get Sirius back over the summer "a thousand times worse" (which, as far as Severus could gather, had to do with a plan involving bludgers, "my pet Kreacher", and Bellatrix). Although this was slightly unfortunate, being that everyone in Slytherin (besides Lucius, Narcissa and Regulus and a few others who didn't care enough to speak to him) had started calling Severus a wimp, a wanker and in general mocked his uselessness in physical brawls, it gave him an out. He'd much rather they think he was upset he'd been shown up by Black than the truth.

The truth was that he could not stop thinking about Lily. He couldn't believe he'd been able to do that thing he'd done, and now he couldn't get it off his mind. He had thought it was all right enough—those moaning soundsshe'd made!—but then again, she hadn't really said anything, and she'd shoved him away. His face burned every time he recounted it, which was nearly every second. He wondered what she'd been thinking. She liked him enough! Didn't she? They were best friends! They played Azkaban Prison! She'd shown him her boobs! Severus felt like he'd been given a teaser about a very interesting book and then been told it hadn't been written yet. He itched to see more of Lily: Lily shirtless, Lily naked, even Lily clothed, Lily smiling, Lily throwing back her hair… Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Would she let him do that thing again? Or was this it? Had he blown it? And if so, how? Could he ever get the bravery to do that thing again? Probably not, he figured. After all, it happened as an accident, really. But still, he imagined it. He imagined slipping his hand down into her pants and wondered what it felt like to really do it, to get his fingers inside there. When he even considered putting his penis inside there, or touching her breasts without her shirt, he could hardly stand it. He decided maybe he was mental, or else had aliens invading his brain like in the telly shows Tobias used to zone out to when intoxicated. Except, he didn't even believe in aliens. Did everyone become this way over their friends?

Severus was masturbating a lot, but his fantasies kept getting cut short due to worrying. Did she like him? Was she angry? Did she think he was stupid? Was he stupid? No, he knew he was smart. But it did nothing. He hated himself for being intelligent. He figured someone like Peter Pettigrew never analyzed life this intensely.

It was almost time for summer break, and Severus was both excited and highly nervous at the prospect of having alone time with Lily. On one hand, she would have hardly anyone else to speak to in the neighborhood and not as many places to hide. On the other hand, he had no idea what he'd do when they actually hung out again. By Sunday, he figured he probably shouldn't ever bring up what had happened. It was obviously a very bad idea.

Severus had declined Lucius' offer to go to Hogsmede on Sunday, pretending that he had a lot of homework to do. He felt partially bad that he wasn't spending quality time with his friend before he graduated, but on the other hand, he felt he was not mentally capable of hanging out with anyone. Lucius made him promise he'd be at his party, and made a big deal of announcing to anyone who would listen how great it was going to be, particularly those who were not invited.

The Slytherin common room was much louder than usual, full of students lounging about, gossiping, playing chess, practicing hexes and drinking concealed Firewhiskey (although there was a rumor Slughorn would not mind if he caught residents drinking, no one wanted to test his limits). Severus was not in the mood for anything social, particularly anything too jovial so he spent the entire day walking around and pretending he wasn't trying to find Lily. He walked around the hallways, corridors, loitered outside the portrait of the Fat Lady until she told him politely to go away, and searched the Hogwarts grounds. The sun was beaming down on him, making him positively hot in his robes. He decided he hated summer. He hated getting burned, he hated how boiling he was in his clothes, and he felt it was making him even more insane. It was repulsive.

Just about when he'd given up hope, he spotted red hair beyond Hagrid's hut. Spread out on a blanket, lying down on her stomach, was Lily. She was flicking her wand in the air studiously and recording something in her notebook. She was most likely practicing Charms, he figured after surveying her movements for a moment. Severus' mouth felt dry and his heartbeat raced. He walked to her as quickly as he could without tripping in the yellowing grass.

"Lily," he burst out from behind her, and she jumped, startled.

She rolled over and sat up, whipping around to face him. "Severus," she said, and her face went scarlet. Her eyes searched around them, and then latched onto his gaze. "I've been… busy," she said, blinking rapidly.

"Me too," he lied. "So what's new?"

"Not too much," she said, and he noticed she was gathering up her papers and notebook. "I've got… lots of work to do."

"Me too," he said, and cleared his throat. "How've you been?"

"Fine," she said, and laughed. "Just fine. I should probably…" She trailed off and shrugged, and then laughed again.

"What's funny?" asked Severus, still standing in front of her. He was vaguely aware that his heartbeat was throbbing, and his entire body felt as though it were on fire.

"Nothing," said Lily seriously.

"Oh," said Severus, and swallowed hard. "What're you studying?" He was suddenly very aware of the fact that Lily was not wearing her robes, and the angle he was viewing her from gave him a quite nice look at her cleavage through her shirt, and her skirt hung only centimeters above her knees—no socks or tights. Lily's eyes followed his gaze and her face became a hot shade of scarlet, but Severus could not bring himself to look away.

"Charms—"

"I thought so," he said instantly, "I was watching you—"

Lily averted her eyes and stuffed her pile of books and notes into her bag. "Enjoying the sun?" she asked distractedly, running her hands through her hair.

"No," Severus replied. "I hate it—"

"Of course not," Lily said, and gave him that same, strange smile as earlier in the week. "Well, I've got to be going! I've got to get to class." With that, she bundled up the blanket and rushed off past Hagrid's hut.

Severus stood there blinking in the sun for a full ten seconds before he yelled after her: "IT'S SUNDAY, YOU KNOW!"

At least she was talking to him! His mouth formed into an expression that could be considered by some to be a smile, and he hopped back toward the castle, humming off-key.

Lily's heart was racing in her chest as she ran toward the castle, in the direction of the Gryffindor common room. She'd known she wasn't safe outside, but she'd just had to get out in the weather. She was annoyed at herself, but also slightly… What? Excited? After all, she knew the only place she wouldn't see Severus was the common room, but she'd gone outside anyway!

She'd gone outside wondering if she'd see him. Her heart beat faster. And she'd seen him. Oh God. And it had been awful! Terrible! She'd said every possible wrong thing, and he'd acted weird. No, she thought, he'd been quite normal. That was the most mortifying part. This was her crush. Her crush was a completely and utterly weird person. A big stupid weirdo who wore all black and all of his robes on what had been the hottest day of the year. She blushed at the thought of it, and hated the fact that even thinking about how ridiculous that was made her insides tingly.

Lily had been having a very stressful week since the incident on the Astronomy Tower. Every day, she planned exactly how she was going to avoid Severus, because if she spoke to him, she wouldn't know what to say (like now, she thought angrily), and she needed desperately to keep her cool in front of him. She'd needed time to think, particularly because summer break was only a week away, and she knew that she and Severus would be in closer proximity. And now she had no idea what that would entail. Not after the thing. What if he did it again? Lily jumped staircases and ran to the Fat Lady, saying the password urgently and slipping past the other residents in the common room. She'd been trying to surround herself with as many friends as possible in order to stop thinking about Severus, but nothing was working. She'd even come close to telling Mary, but refrained due to her extreme embarrassment over the entire situation. Although annoying, Potter, Black and Pettigrew were a welcome distraction that week. Potter and Black in particular were so overly invested in making people laugh and acting cool that when Lily hung around them, no one seemed to ask her questions or ask how she was doing. Not even Remus or Mary, who seemed to hang onto the two other boys' every word. Although Lily found Potter and Black to be highly arrogant, it was very helpful to have them around so that no one was noticing how little she'd been saying lately or how much she'd been avoiding Severus.

Lily had not imagined Severus doing what he'd done, not like that. She'd only just decided she might fancy him, and now she was utterly tangled up in what felt like a million thoughts and feelings. She was very, very humiliated. She'd liked what he'd done. She'd liked it a lot, but it had been very odd, as though it was a dream. It had been strange to just be lying there, looking at the night sky and then feel Severus' cold hand on top of her left breast. She'd set her jaw and squeezed her legs together, considered telling him it was all right he'd done it, that it was a mistake. But then, he'd continued rubbing her through her shirt. She'd felt like her heart was going beat out of her body—his thin, long fingers on her nipples, his hand searching, massaging, her nipples perking right up at his touch. She'd closed her eyes then—she couldn't look at him, she couldn't focus on his hand, and then his hand had gone down. It had gone down, slick and easy, like he was petting an animal's back and then it had ended up… There. She'd felt his hand through her robes, his fingers searching. It was soft at first and then he'd clasped the front of her like he was putting on a glove, willing those fingers through slits or cupping something in his palm. He'd started rubbing her then, and she'd felt her insides whirling. It was not Belby or Wendell Perkins, or anyone else but Severus Snape. The air had been warm and muggy, and Lily's face had been just as warm. She kept trying to think about class, about anything, about Remus' drawings, or the funny things Mary had said, and then she'd snapped back to reality. She didn't want to think about Mary, because Mary was only a few meters away and Lily knew just what Mary would say if she turned around—"Yuck." Lily could imagine what her housemates would think. She'd likely be a laughingstock. She'd shut her eyes tighter, and hoped no one would notice. At the same time, she didn't want Severus to stop, and that was the absolute worst part. She had butterflies in her stomach and even though the way he was touching her was getting a little frenzied, she could feel the heat circulating in her privates, and when his nails dabbled in that good place just above her lower regions, her knees buckled. Lovegood's announcement had brought her back to reality full-on and she'd completely snapped to attention. She had to get Severus out of the way because it was as though the lights had come on in a playhouse—if everyone saw, she'd really be fixed.

But the really mortifying part came after class. She'd done a good job acting cheerful with the others as they returned to Gryffindor, and she'd spouted off her favorite constellations so that they'd think she had been completely engaged. She'd bid Mary, Muruvi and Scarlet goodnight, and had changed into her pajamas and slipped into bed and had attempted to think of anything but what had happened… But there in the dark, she'd actually smiled to herself. Immediately, her insides had given a jolt. What was she thinking? It was Severus. Severus, who had all of Gryffindor in an uproar because he'd called the most popular third year boys awful names. "Snivellus", who everyone was making fun of for losing a fistfight to Black and making a bird explode in class. "Snivellus", with the hair everyone was always on about for being oily and—Lily sat mortified that night in the dark—the smelly robes that Potter talked about endlessly after every Potions lesson. But Snivellus was Severus who was her best friend who was doing… weird… things to her. It was all getting very difficult to keep straight. Possibly, with some help, couldn't Snape become more like a normal boy?

Without really thinking too hard about any of it, Lily had eagerly removed her pants and slipped her own finger into her privates, and in her head it was Severus' finger—moving in and out, adding a second finger, pulling all of them up and stimulating that spot she liked best, and she thought about his dark hair in his face, his eyes blazing through like two black and white saucers, the long lashes framing them. His tongue between the small gap in his teeth, his crooked eyeteeth to the side and his nose sticking through the part in his too-long bangs. She blushed deeply in the dark while spreading her legs apart wider—she was thankful no one could be inside her head, and really, it felt so good she really didn't care. And she imagined them in the woods, him grabbing onto her, and then maybe her pushing his lips onto hers, and those fingers… His pale skin and somber expression, and deep voice. It wasn't a very in-depth fantasy. In fact, it was the simplest one she'd ever had, and the most sexually concrete. She'd felt his fingers on the outside of her robes, and now all she could do was imagine how it would feel to have them inside. Lily stretched her bare legs across the hot mattress as she writhed upward, biting her lip as she felt every sensation becoming deeper and more intense. She moaned quietly, her fingers moving quicker, and then, it was over. She sighed, slumped against her pillows and stared up at the canopy. Half of her was stuck on being embarrassed she had just fantasized about Severus, and the other half had a big question: Was what Severus did part of having sex?

Since that night, she'd been masturbating a lot more frequently than usual. Every day, she was in such a crazed state of mind from avoiding Severus everywhere that masturbation was the only real release. In her fantasies, she'd be hiding, and he'd find her and do that thing again. Or sometimes, he'd simply find her, and she'd climax right then, imagining his deep voicing saying "Caught you."

For the first time, she actually listened hard when Mary talked about boys—maybe she could learn something, at least. It seemed everyone had sex on the brain worse than usual. A raunchy story that Mulciber had apparently written was winding its' way around to all of the third years in each house, and had ended up in Gryffindor that week. James and Sirius read it aloud, replacing the names in the story with "Mulciber" and "Rosier". Lily had listened feverishly as they'd described a scene quite like what she and Severus had done on the Astronomy Tower, crossing her legs together tightly and blushing. Mulciber had a way with words- that was for certain. Mary kept them all up at night asking questions about who they fancied and who they'd shag if they had a chance. Lily stuck to her staples, Belby and Perkins, though now she was (derisorily enough) imagining what it would be like to shag Severus. Muruvi had developed an interest in a quiet Slytherin named Ethan Middleton who was one of Severus' more approachable dorm mates, but said she wasn't ready to shag anyone just yet. Scarlet fancied a Hufflepuff named Corin Winter who always shared his quills and parchment with her. Mary was still stuck on James, surprisingly. Lily had quite thought that she'd have moved on by now; after all, it had been nearly six months since winter break. Apparently, James was still very "sweet" when it came to the physical parts of their relationship. They'd only snogged a handful of times, and had not yet made out. Mary had announced loudly to the girls that she'd finally given him an erection from just hugging him. Lily wondered how James would react if he knew she was spreading that around in the girls' dormitory. She felt sort of sorry for him, but at the same time, it was amusing to hear how shy he actually was without Sirius around. In Lily's opinion, James deserved being gossiped about. He had such an over-inflated ego that she hoped he'd get taken down a few levels.

She also considered talking to the girls about what had gone on with Severus, but she figured that it would be smarter to wait until break, when she could better pretend it was the mysterious flaxen-haired neighborhood boy who had pressed his hand up against her privates.

Lily successfully avoided Severus up until summer break, which took some skill because he was popping up everywhere. This was both terrifying and exhilarating—it confirmed what Lily had been suspicious about that year. It seemed Severus liked her back, or at least liked her well enough to touch her… Alone, she felt sort of powerful about this. But when Severus was around, she felt exposed. She felt slightly bad that she'd been ignoring him, because she figured he might need a ride. Her own sanity was more important though, she figured. It turned out that Lily didn't need to worry whether he had a ride to Spinner's End. When the train arrived in Hogwarts, and she'd scanned the crowd to find her friend (thus, to better avoid talking to him) there was someone there waiting for him.

Severus sort-of fell out of the train, and turned around angrily to find that he was face to face with Black, who had obviously pushed him. Lucius, who had just been vocalizing how great it was to be a "freed man", whirled around and stuck his wand in Black's face. Black immediately put his hands up and fell back into the crowd.

"Little troll," Lucius scoffed, rolling his eyes. "You have to stand up for yourself," he instructed, patting Severus' shoulder. "Remember the dueling club. Use it! Otherwise those goons will walk all over you. And I won't be here to defend you next year."

"Yeah, I get the point. You've only talked about how you're done at Hogwarts every day for the past two weeks," grumbled Severus as they headed over to pick up their suitcases.

"I can't help but be tremendously excited," said Lucius loudly, collecting his white Dragon hide luggage set. "I never have to set eyes on all these stupid idiots ever again. It's the real world for me—"

"And the real world is better?" asked Severus doubtfully, grabbing his suitcase and pretending he wasn't scanning the crowd for Lily. They hadn't spoken since the day near Hagrid's hut, and he felt dangerously close to the edge of insanity, even more than before.

"It has to be," Lucius shrugged. Severus certainly hoped so, but things had been looking dark lately. "I have my internship at the Ministry and hopefully I can become the youngest Minister of Magic in history and you can tell me the name of every fool at Hogwarts you want executed and I'll do it."

"How about I give it to you now so you can get to it quickly when the time comes?" Severus asked menacingly. "Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin. Make sure their deaths are slow. And painful."

"Yes, we simply can't forget painful," grinned Lucius, and then waved into the crowd to Abraxus and Cordeilia. "We can continue this conversation at my house. The precise methods of torture, the mechanisms, and all that. You're welcome to come anytime, and stay however long you want—"

"I'm coming to the party," Severus nodded, still looking around for Lily, "but I might want to spend some time at home—"

Lucius raised a silver eyebrow. "That sounds very unlike you. Suddenly a big fan of family gatherings, Severus?"

"No," Severus said quickly. "Just… I don't know. I figure I should. That's all."

"Sappy," Lucius said coolly, and gave another wave to his family, this time in a much ruder way. "Well, this is goodbye then. I'd better go before they start in on me for being slow. I bid you farewell, my friend—"

Severus sighed. "I'm going to see you in less than a week—"

"I want a dramatic exit!" Lucius declared. "See you soon, Severus. Be good—"

"Never," Severus smirked. He watched as his tall, slender friend joined his family and pushed his bags at them. They disappeared together, arguing loudly and pleasantly. Severus sighed again. He really would miss Lucius at school, even if this meant things with Lily would be considerably less difficult.

All too soon, he realized he hadn't been very keen on making plans for getting home. If his mum didn't come, and Lily was avoiding him, maybe he'd have to catch a bus in London. He had no Muggle money to speak of, and hadn't ridden the bus in ages. It had probably all changed by now. He really should have planned this better, but he'd been so on edge lately that he hadn't thought about much except spending time with Lily. Severus scanned the crowd again for Lily or any sign of his Mum. And then suddenly, a very loud angry voice bellowed his name through the crowd:

"SEVERUS! For Christ's sake, are you blind? Hurry up!"

Severus paled completely and slowly turned around. There with the other mums and dads was Tobias. Severus hadn't seen him in such a long time that he seemed like a caricature of himself. "It's you," he said.

"Well, come on!" Tobias said loudly. "Yes, it's me, stupid."

Around him, Severus' schoolmates laughed nervously. Parents were staring, and whispering. If this weren't mortifying enough, Tobias strode into the crowd and grabbed Severus by the arm, dragging him along. Severus sent a glance behind him, and to his horror, Potter and Black were watching the scene with amused faces. And to the right of them was Lily. They locked eyes for hardly a second before she looked away. Severus' face burned.

"What are you doing here?" Severus moaned in embarrassment, pulling away from his father.

"Is that all you can say to me? Haven't seen me in nearly a year and that's what you think to say?" barked Tobias, striding along quickly beside Severus as they entered through the barrier to King's Cross.

Severus couldn't stop staring at his father in shock. Seeing him anywhere remotely magic was not something Severus was used to. "How'd you know to—why are you here? I mean—how'd you know how to get through?"

"Bloody ridiculous the things you people think of, a blasted wall to get through to a train, like you're special or something. Your mum told me to get you, she said you might need a ride and she's been at work all day. My house is a damn mess. That's what I get for leaving," he said angrily, lighting a cigarette. His hair had flecks of gray in it, Severus noticed, and his face was unshaven. Strangely, they were nearly the same height. "Believe me, this is the last place I want to be—"

"Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out that cigarette?" asked a thin uniformed man with a long mustache.

Tobias sneered. "Piss off," he said, and the man bowed his head in fear. They were silent until they reached the parking lot, where Severus got in the passenger's seat of the old Buick for what seemed like the first time in centuries. "What is that?" Tobias asked, eying Poe as Severus stuck her cage in the backseat. "WHAT IS THAT?"

"She's my owl," replied Severus.

"No way in hell that thing is coming with us!"

"She's my pet. She has to come with us."

"What kind of fucking pet is an owl?"

"That's how I get mail!"

Tobias glared. "What are you doing, living in the dark ages? May as well have a bloody carrier pigeon for fuck's sake! All right, but if it shits in my car, you're cleaning it up! So what kinds of stupid things did they teach you this year?" Tobias asked loudly.

Severus' entire body went rigid. He ignored Tobias and stared out the window in embarrassment as his father cursed loudly at the car's wheezing engine. They pulled out of the station parking lot, the smoke from Tobias' cigarette filling the car. Severus gritted his teeth, trying not to cough. Finally, he rolled down his window and hacked loudly, trying to wave smoke out of the car. "Where'd you go?" he asked, between coughs. "And why are you back?"

"You can't even answer my question," Tobias said meanly. "Obviously, the same useless crap they teach you every year. You look a right mess. The first thing I'm doing when we get back is cutting your hair. Your mum may be all right with your hippy bullshit, but I'm not—"

"No!" said Severus indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest. "I won't let you! Besides, I'm not a hippy—"

"You look stupid like that," Tobias went on, "I can't even see your damn face. No wonder they're beating you up at school, I'd have too if I'd have known you—"

Severus stared at his father. "No one's beating me u-… how did you know?"

"Your mum got some letter about it. It said you had some issues with some other blokes—I'm guessing you didn't come out on top."

"You don't know anything about it," Severus said quietly, wishing he'd known Hogwarts had written home.

"Look at you," Tobias said, by way of explanation.

Severus hung his head so that his hair fell in front of it like a blanket. Tobias had better not cut it—it was Severus' protection, his curtain. Tobias went on talking for the entire ride, and Severus completely disassociated, thinking instead of Lily, and school, and the party at Lucius'. He hardly noticed when they pulled up at the house, but his father shook his shoulder to let him know. Severus collected his suitcase and bag, and headed inside. The house was stifling hot, and tons of flies were buzzing around as usual, alighting on every surface and crawling up the ceilings and walls. Immediately, Severus headed to his room and locked the door. He heard Tobias cursing to himself in the living room, and judging by the sound of a clanging glass, he was already drinking. Severus checked the old pocket watch he kept on his bedside table: It was one o'clock in the afternoon. He spent time reading, thinking about Lily and masturbating quietly. Around four, he felt famished but was reluctant to have to pass through the living room. Hunger won out finally around five, and when he crossed the room, Tobias was sitting with a half empty bottle of whiskey and glaring at the television.

"Fucking bastards," he said blearily at the actors in some inane comedy, and flipped the channel to the news. Severus walked quickly in front of the telly and hurried into the kitchen, opening the fridge. Disappointedly, he surveyed the fridge's contents: alcohol, butter, a slab of molding cheese and some horrifyingly old-looking Pakistani takeout. "There's no food in here!" called out Tobias from the living room. "You'll either have to find your own or starve. You can thank your mum for that." Severus ended up scraping the mold off the cheese and ate it leaning against the dirty counter.

It took all of his willpower not to go to Lily's to get away, but he was humiliated she'd seen him with Tobias. Although he'd explained the situation of his home life to her before, she'd never witnessed it first hand. Severus figured he'd better lay low for awhile. When his mum came home around nine, they regarded each other silently. He wondered if she was happy his dad was back. Or if she was ever happy in general. That night, listened to his parents arguing for several hours while tossing and turning in his bed. He couldn't make out much of what they were saying, but it didn't sound pleasant. At one point, his mum started crying. Something fell and shattered. Severus rocked himself into an uneasy sleep.

Petunia was giving Lily the silent treatment again, probably as a result of their conflict over winter break. It made Lily sad, but at this point, it almost seemed childish. After all, Petunia was fifteen now. They should have been past fights like this. Still, Lily was finding little motivation to smooth over their issues. She figured Petunia would come around someday, and she'd welcome her with open arms when she did, despite thinking she was obnoxious. It was more worth it to Lily to accept her sister than to play the same games.

Three days into break, and she still had not spoken to Severus. He'd looked so fearful at King's Cross that she really hadn't known how to approach the situation. Lily had told James and Sirius ardently to stop laughing at the scene. She hardly found Severus' father funny at all—he was quite menacing, actually. Even Mary had enough sense not to laugh, solid proof that she was worthy of friendship. Bored, Lily ended up that weekend at the local library, and sought out more books like the two she'd read earlier that year on feminism. She found several she figured she'd better hide from her parents, The Dialectic of Sex being one of them, another being a book of short stories and poems by someone named Charles Bukowski. She read books day and night, lounging in the backyard when the weather was pleasant and in front of the living room fan when it was not. The Bukowski stories were highly fascinating. There was a lot of talk of women and drinking, which made Lily feel grown up. The way Bukowski wrote about sex made her red in the cheeks and feel funny. It was very provocative. She made sure to read it with her sunglasses on, looking over them coolly and crossing her legs.

Petunia came and went, sometimes with friends and sometimes alone. She'd grown into herself more, and looked more her age than usual. She lacked the look of adolescent awkwardness she'd held onto for so long, and instead looked mature and poised. She spent huge amounts of time applying makeup in her room, even when she was going out to play sports. Lily never thought she'd see the day. Petunia had always been such a tomboy.

Finally, on Tuesday, there was a knock at the door. Since Petunia had gone out, Lily figured it couldn't be one of her annoyingly stuck-up friends. Sure enough, when she looked through the peephole, it was Severus' dark eyes looking back at her. Lily's heart raced and she leaned against the door, wondering whether or not she should open it. Don't be daft, she told herself. Act cool. What would Mary do? This wasn't very helpful, given that Mary hated Severus with a passion. And if he were a boy she fancied, she'd just try to see whether he had an erection. The doorbell rang. Oh no, thought Lily, that was not something I should have thought of, now if I let him in that's all I'll be able to think about!

"Lily!" called Mother, "get that door, would you, dear?"

Blushing fervently, Lily slowly opened the door and put on a smile. "Hi Severus," she greeted, waving stiffly. Stop being an idiot, she informed herself.

Severus stared at her, looking her over. She felt his eyes trailing down her summer dress and she blushed deeper. They were off to an awful start. "Hey," he said. "You haven't been talking to me at all. I couldn't find you anywhere at school. What have you been up to?"

His tone was so blunt and dry that Lily giggled and he shot her a questioning look. "Like I said, I got really busy," she explained quickly. "Exams, and all—"

"Yeah," nodded Severus, and she wanted to ask him what he was thinking as he looked at her. She wondered if he was thinking about touching her again, because she was certainly thinking about him doing it. He licked his lips. "Yeah, sorry I didn't go to Slughorn's party. I know you helped him with it. Lucius had a dinner in Hogsmede, I really couldn't miss it—"

"It's all right," she replied. She'd been relieved he hadn't shown up. "It was lots of fun—"

"Was Belby there?" asked Severus bleakly.

Lily stared back at him, and decided to test the waters as she leaned on the doorframe. "I didn't really notice. I don't care about Belby. At all—"

Severus raised his eyebrow just as Lily's mother came up behind her. Lily moved backward a bit, going even redder. Great, she thought, knowing her very ill attempt at flirting had looked much more awkward than suggestive.

"Oh, hello, Severus," Mother greeted formally. "Why are you two standing there in the doorway like a pair of odd ducks? You should invite your friend in for lunch, Lily—"

"He might not want lunch," Lily said to her mother, slightly annoyed. She was trying to keep Severus apart from her enough to figure everything out, and here was her mother, meddling in her plans.

"I'll come in," Severus said, and so Lily had no choice but to open the door and let her crush inside. Her crush. It felt weird to view Severus in this light, but after what they'd done, she certainly couldn't consider him only a friend. She found herself staring at his angular profile, his long limbs and long, straight fingers on hands much larger than her own. He noticed her looking, and his abyss-like eyes bored into her, like he knew her every secret. She prayed he hadn't learned how to be a Legilmens yet.

They ate leftover stew and made turkey sandwiches with hunks of fresh tomato and rich cheese. Lily's mother claimed she had reading to do, but Lily knew she was only staying in the living room to keep an eye on them. As it was, the conversation was awkward enough. They'd run out of school-related topics and were sitting in silence. The only sound was their spoons clinging in their bowls, and when they were finished eating, Lily was tempted to make another sandwich just so she wouldn't have to speak.

"So your dad's back," she said finally, quiet enough that she was sure her mother wouldn't hear.

Severus shrugged at his empty bowl. "He's back, all right," he said. "Don't know why. He says he was on a job but I highly doubt it."

"What do you think he was doing?" Lily asked, leaning in, her hair falling in her face.

"My sister thinks he fucks a lot of women," said Severus quietly, but unfortunately not quietly enough.

"Language!" chirped Lily's mother from the living room, and Severus made a face at Lily.

"This is impossible," he said, and Lily internally agreed. "We should go to the park—"

"She won't let us, not alone," whispered Lily across the table.

"Say we won't be alone. Say we're going to my house—"

Lily blushed. "I… no offense, but my parents don't want me to go to your house, either—"

"I—well, say we're going to my house, but then we'll go to the park?" Severus suggested quietly.

"What are you two whispering about?" trilled Lily's mother.

Severus leaned back and folded his arms, looking angry. His hair covered his face, but she could still see the dark outline of his furrowed brow, his downward-facing mouth. Lily felt helpless. She could lie, but she didn't want to. She wanted to be alone with him, but she also didn't. She didn't know what to say about what had happened, and she wasn't sure where to go from it either. "All right," said Severus, "well, I'm going outside. See you." He stood up and strode out of the house, slamming the door. She had the urge to watch him through the window, but she sat idle in the dining room chair, an imprint of how bitter he looked plastered in her mind.

"He's become foul-mouthed, hasn't he?" asked her mother aloud, breaking the thick silence. "And moody."

Lily gripped the chair as she answered: "I guess so."

"I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything else, being where he's from," remarked her mother, and then it was silent once more.

Lily thought of Severus' father in the station, yelling for him and she turned pink. If her mother knew about what had happened between them, she'd be banned from seeing Severus forever.

Dear Mary, Lily wrote that night, I have something to tell you, but you have to swear on your life you'll never tell. Something happened between me and my neighbor.. I can't stop thinking about him. I don't know how much I like him. But I want him to do it again. Maybe I really like him. I don't know. He rubbed his fingers on the front of me. Not on the inside of my pants or anything like that, but hard on the front of my jeans. We haven't even kissed yet. I feel kind of wrong for liking it. I feel wrong because he's sort of wrong for me. But maybe that's why I like him? What do you think?

Lots of love,

Lily

Only an hour later, Mary's reply came:

Lily,

W.O.W. I wish I was there to help you. What do you mean, he's wrong for you? He sounds pretty exciting to me, but then again I'm dating the shyest person on the earth. You'd never think, would you, from the way he plays Quidditch! Anyway, this is about you! I can't believe it! You almost very nearly were fingered, Lily. You should ask him to do it underneath the pants this time, especially if you want to be shagged quick! Also, a good way to get it done is to give him a blow job. He won't be able to resist you. Just think, you could lose your virginity before fourth year, you'd be the coolest person at school. I don't know anyone in our year that's done it, although I like to tell people I have when I'm bored. Ha ha!

And you haven't KISSED yet? What's WRONG with you? Why don't you? I want to know! Tell me all the details, tell me how it felt!

XOXOXOXO Your friend, Mary

Dear Mary,

No! I don't want to shag him, not yet. Though I have to say, I am thinking about what it would be like. Fingering? Is that what you call it when it's inside the pants? What's a blow job? I can't even believe I'm writing this to you, so don't tell anyone but I would really like to try that, fingering, I mean. BUT. He's wrong because… There are a lot of reasons actually. First of all, my parents don't like him much anymore (we used to hang out when we were little). They think he's foul and he's not very well off. He does curse an awful lot can get angry easily. I'm really one of the only people here that he likes and I can stand him when other people can't. I can tell he fancies me. He looks at me all the time. Sometimes I wonder if he's thinking about shagging me, too. What have you done with James? Anything else besides kissing? What is kissing like? I sound stupid I'm sure.

Lots of love, Lily

Severus didn't know why being at Lily's had frustrated him so much, but he supposed it had to do a lot with wanting to touch her, and having no idea how to go about it. Then her high and mighty mum had to be there the entire time, and even though it was the first time they'd been together since the thing had happened they hadn't gotten to talk about anything real! It made him too mad for words. Not to mention, Lily was acting funny. Was she trying to get at something, saying she didn't like Belby? Or was she just making conversation? Severus wished he had a manual about how to converse normally with people. He was having a worse time than ever.

Soaked in sweat from the summer heat, Severus clattered into his house and slammed the door, scowling angrily.

"Jesus!" Tobias yelled from the couch, making Severus jump. "What are you, a horse? For a skinny little fuck, you certainly know how to make a racket."

"I'm having a bad day," Severus fired back, staring hollowly at Tobias. Mum was sitting next to him. She looked tired. Severus really didn't have time for their dysfunctional bullshit. He had enough to deal with. If he could never speak to Lily one on one, they'd probably stop being friends. She probably hated him, anyway, after what he'd done. She was just being polite. That's probably it, he thought bitterly, kicking off his shoes at the door. He should have never acted on his feelings. He'd never be able to date her now. She hated him!

"And what sort of things make a thirteen year old have a bad day?" asked Tobias scornfully.
"I'm fourteen!" Severus declared loudly, regrettably feeling somewhere between the verge of lunacy and tears. His entire body was shaking. "And I don't want to talk about it—"

Mum sat up straighter and patted Tobias' arm. "Leave him alone," she said quietly.

But Tobias threw her hand off him, and stood up. "Already, you're going to get tough with me? I'm gone for a year, and this is how you all greet me? Your mum drinking away her money and fucking up the house, and you, an ungrateful little shit with no manners?"

"Tobias," said Mum warningly, but she made no move to get up.

"Mum drinking?" Severus said, before he could help himself. "What about you? She learned it from you!"
Without warning, Tobias came forward and back-handed Severus across the face so hard that tears stung in Severus' eyes. Mum leapt up and pulled Tobias away from him.

"Don't do this," she said to Tobias, who was panting furiously, his arm raised upward as if he were a cobra about to strike once more, "not again—". She quickly turned to Severus. "I didn't learn it from him—I make my own choices—"

"Did you hear that?" Tobias barked. "Know all the facts before you point fingers, you stupid piece of fucking shit!"

"You're lucky I can't curse you," Severus said, holding his cheek and staggering backward to lean on the wall. "I would, you know! I would!"

"Severus," said Mum desperately, "don't—"

"You're shaking," Tobias sneered, leaning over Mum so that they were almost nose to nose. "You're scared of me. You won't do shit."

"I don't want to get expelled, so I won't," said Severus loudly, trying to sound brave but it was true, he was shaking, from head to toe. His face throbbed.

"I don't want to get expelled, so I won't," mocked Tobias in a methodical and supercilious tone that Severus would never admit was actually quite accurate.

Severus shoved off the wall and hurried to his room, slamming the door behind him. His mum called after him and Tobias told her to shut up. This day couldn't possibly get any worse, could it?

Of course it can! thought Severus begrudgingly that night after reading the mail that Poe brought to had sent owl post to inform Severus that Mulciber and Avery had arrived at the manor, and Regulus would be there by Friday. They were apparently having a grand old time, and Severus felt himself becoming extraordinarily jealous. Here he was, spending his summer vacation obsessing ridiculously over his Mudblood best friend who hated him who he'd gotten very close to but now had ruined it all by being himself and now his family was back to how it used to be (worse than awful) and he'd have no friends because he was too busy trying to deal with all of it!

On top of everything else, was Lucius going to start calling the others his best friends too? Severus was his best friend! Mulciber, Avery and Regulus are rich, too, though, thought Severus enviously, thinking of his conversation with the repugnant Hagawthe all that time ago. They can afford the same things Lucius can, AND they're REAL purebloods! He collapsed on his bed and kicked the nightstand. The obnoxious flies flew around, buzzing loudly. They're all rich and probably making fun of me still for the fight with Black, and saying I'm a dark wizard. Fuck them! I don't need them! he thought sulkily, leaping up and stuffing clothes in the suitcase he'd just unpacked that morning. Lucius probably doesn't even need me or like me. He's probably forgotten about me. Best friends. Yeah, right. Who needs best friends? He snapped the suitcase shut and headed out through the hallway, not really clear on exactly what he was doing.

"Now, where in the bloody hell are you going?" shouted Tobias from the living room.

"Like you care," Severus replied, rolling his eyes. "Out."

"Out where?" Tobias snapped. "Eileen, is this the kind of damned household you run? Let this little arse get his way left and right?"

Severus made eye contact with his mother, who was sitting in the armchair by the window and frowning. She immediately averted her eyes. "Severus has a right to go where he wants," she said quietly.

"And that's worked out so well," said Tobias dryly. "Look at him! He's got a suitcase packed! Where is it you think you're going?"

"To a friend's," Severus said, "Lucius Malfoy. Mum knows their family—"

"They're a very well-to-do family," put in Mum, her shoulders hunched over. "But Severus, there's no real way for you to—"

"So we're not good enough for you here?" Tobias snarled, interrupting her. "Is that it? Well, maybe if you pulled your weight a bit around here and didn't lie about in your room with your bloody books all the time, it would be different!"

Severus set down his bag. "And how's that?"

"Stop it," muttered his mum. "Let's not get into this. Just let him go cool off—"

"In my family, we were punished for being rebels, Eileen," Tobias sneered, "but as we all know, yours was different." His tone was cutting.

Mum looked up through her hair, and on her face was a glare Severus had never seen. "You'll leave my family out of this," she said. "You never met them, and you know nothing about them—"

"I know about your halfway incestuous bond with your mother fucking brother, Eileen. Anyone who looked at your bloody shrines to him could work it out—"

"You don't know a thing," Mum spat, "and you had better not bring him up any longer. His name was Lanxus, and we weren't incestuous, that's a mighty big word for you—"

The glass bottle of whiskey on the table suddenly shattered with a bang! and glass showered over the coffee table and flooring. Severus, his eyes wide, stared at his mother. She looked angry beyond belief. And Tobias, of all things, looked terrified.

"You bitch! You'd better go straight out and buy more!" he shouted, but his voice was trembling.

"I won't," said Eileen firmly. "Severus, you should go—"

"He'll do as I say," Tobias said, but his voice was quavering. "He's my son, too—"

"I disowned you," said Severus strongly, made brave by his mother's reaction. "I'm not your son. Not anymore."

"I'll give you a ride," said Mum quickly. "We're going, Tobias. I hope you'll forgive me for overreacting but you know I have my limits."

"You'll do no such thing!"

But mousy Eileen Snape grabbed her little black handbag, her coat and the keys to the Buick, and led the way to the car.

Once inside, Severus looked at his mother in amazement. It was the first time he'd seen her do something like this, but it certainly didn't seem like it was a first between his parents.

They rode in silence for a bit until Mum spoke. "Meeting your half-sister made me think about a few things. I've felt sorry for your father for ages, but I don't like when he speaks to us like that," she said crisply, slowing down for a stop light.

Severus said nothing, but nodded while looking out the window.

"Sometimes I forget I'm proud to be a witch," Mum went on, "and you should be proud to be a wizard, Severus."

"I am," he said, and they exchanged a glance. They were equally quiet for the rest of the ride. Mum let him out at the Leaky Cauldron, and gave him a small amount of money. He got a room for the night, and sent Lucius Poe to let him know to pick him up in the morning. Lucius wrote back immediately, with news that the party was underway. That, in Severus' opinion, sounded rather ominous.

It felt wonderful to have a place by himself. Even though he was starving, he felt safe and knew he would not be bothered. Despite still worrying about Lily and his hunger pangs, Severus slept better than he had that entire week.

Lily

To me he sounds really good, really naughty! Ha ha ha. Maybe since he's from a working family he'll be better with his hands! Funny joke, don't you think? I thought so. I think it's cute that he only likes you, and that you can stand him. It sounds just like you Lily, you can always put up with people the best. Looks like this one is worth it. I wish you would have asked me these questions in person but I'm really excited you care now. I'm so glad you're getting more into these things. It's very important. I've made out with my old boyfriend but only snogged James. James is a very good kisser, though nervous. He doesn't use tongue, but I want him to. Blow jobs are when you put a boy's willy in your mouth. I know it sounds weird but that's a key way to get them to shag you, I read it in a magazine. I've never done it, but I would. Word has it that Bellatrix Black gave blow jobs to every boy in Slytherin. Her mouth must have hurt an awful lot! Ha ha ha! Sirius told me and James he got one over Christmas break but we both know he was taking the piss. He tries to be so cool. It sounds like your bloke is into you enough so you should at least try and kiss him or try to hang out and see what happens. He obviously fancies you. Who cares if he's wrong for you? Let me know what happens as soon as possible, okay?

XOXOXOXXO, Mary

Lily wrote Mary back right away to let her know first off, that the information on Bellatrix was much more than she ever wanted to know, and secondly, she wanted to find out for sure first if they really fancied each other and sent her post with Atticus, who hooted angrily. Lily figured he must be getting rather tired but this was important! Only a short time later, there was a rapping at her window. At first, Lily wondered how her owl had delivered the post so quickly, but it was Poe who flew in as soon as Lily opened her window up. At once, Lily grabbed the letter, which was addressed in Severus' unmistakable untidy, teeny scrawl. Patting Poe's head, she read the letter, feeling her heart pumping with excitement, and then quickly dropping in her chest.

Dear Lily,

I may as well let you know that I got out of Spinner's End tonight because my parents were at it fighting. Things were getting really bad with my dad and I was very close to letting him have it. I held back, though. The past days have been really difficult. I couldn't stand being here, not even enough to- (there was a great smudge of ink as though Severus had wiped something out) - not even for a short time. I think I told you that Lucius' birthday was on the seventh, and he invited me to stay to celebrate his birthday and graduation. I wasn't going to go until this weekend, but I left. He's picking me up tomorrow. Right now I'm at the Leaky Cauldron in one of the rooms. I can look out the window and watch people in the street. I wanted to talk to you while I was home, but I was having a hard time thinking of what to say. I guess I'm mostly hoping we're still friends. I could say exactly what I mean, but I'm embarrassed to write it. You know why. I hope I didn't scare you. Or something. Apparently I scare people. But I don't want to scare you. I wish I could write it out in the way I want to, but I can't think of the words.

I had to leave, but I'm hoping we can talk near the end of summer, or sometime soon. Please don't be mad at me. I really had to get out of there.

-Severus Snape

Lily grabbed for her quill so quickly she knocked the ink all over her bedspread. She threw the inky blanket to the floor and grabbed for another bottle as quickly as she could. Poe swiveled her head and looked at Lily with widened eyes.

Dear Sev,

I'm not mad. Not at all. Sorry if I acted like it. Honestly, I've felt embarrassed too but I didn't know what to say. But I'm glad you wrote me because I wasn't sure how to bring it up. I hope maybe we can talk about it sometime. Anyway, I'm sorry you had to leave. I was really looking forward to talking. Of course we're friends. We'll always be friends! No matter what. Sorry if I acted off. I just didn't know what to do.

I am kind of annoyed you're going to Lucius' again. I don't like him, but you know that. I'd rather have you here. Now who am I going to hang out with? Petunia?

I've been reading some books I think you might like.

I would tell you to say hello to whoever's going to be at Lucius' but I'm sure none of us get on so you'd best leave me out of it (ha ha).

Write me if you're bored.

Lots of love,

Lily

Lily watched as Poe took off into the night. She felt it was a very good exchange of words. Neither of them had said much, but they'd said enough to acknowledge what had happened and to clarify that they were both on good terms with each other. Lily was awfully disappointed that Severus had gone off for holiday, but it also gave her time to think about how she really felt. And in the meantime, they could communicate through letters. That wouldn't be so bad. Lily fell asleep peacefully, despite the fact that her covers smelled like ink.