It wasn't too terribly late in the evening when Eriana and her Wardens made it back to Vigil's Keep after their excursion in the deep roads, but after overseeing Sigrun's joining, debriefing Garevel on their meeting with the Wolf, debriefing Keenan on the broodmothers, and being debriefed by Varel on the affairs of the Arling, it was well into the night before Eriana was finally able to crawl into her bed. Well, that was after she risked falling asleep in the tub; she simply refused to bring darkspawn blood and deep roads filth into her bed. Ever since Oghren's heart to hear in the deep roads, things had been improving for her, her dreams slowly starting to return to normal – darkspawn, rather than Zevran, visiting her in her sleep, and she was starting to focus on the positive aspects in her life rather than focusing on the feelings of loss that still threatened to creep up on her. She was getting better, trying to get better at least, but things were far from perfect. Every so often, some small thing would spark a memory and those painful feelings would attempt to rush in all over again, but she was getting better at blocking the pain, most of it, anyway. There were moments when she actually started to feel like her old self.

It was with that new-found attitude that she came down to breakfast the next morning. Sigrun was sitting between Anders and Velanna, begging them to use magic, giggling and clapping like a child every time one of them would cast a spell. Anders seemed to enjoy the attention, conjuring fireballs and small orbs of light with enthusiasm while Velanna just seemed to be participating to shut the cheerful dwarf up. Eriana smiled as she poured herself some tea and sat down across from Nathaniel, who gave her a friendly nod before returning to his book. Nibbling on some bread, she began to look over the letters Varel had given her the night before. It was all personal correspondence, but she had been too tired the night before to even look to see who and where it came from.

Two of the letters bore Highever markings while the other came from Denerim. Anxiously, she opened the first Highever letter and was pleasantly surprised to see Alitair's familiar scribble covering the page. Smiling to herself, Eriana began reading the letter. It seemed he was visiting the Couslands before heading further south. He filled her in on his travels and his work with the banns before moving on to things of a more personal matter.

Really, Ana, a Howe; you recruited a Howe? I suppose I should scold you, question your sanity, or ask you to reconsider your decision, but I know it's completely useless. I've learned by now that your instincts are usually on target, so I'll just trust your better judgment. This wouldn't be the first time you recruited someone against my wishes. I will admit, I wasn't thrilled when Aedan told me the circumstances of his recruitment (you let him go after you caught him sneaking around your keep and after he admitted he wanted to kill you?); I was surprised, though, but just how upset Aedan was about it. He seemed more upset that Howe threatened you than he was that you recruited him. Though I'm not sure that this was your smartest move, I can't say I'm surprised; you always were one to give others a second chance, even if they didn't deserve it. I guess it's part of your charm. If he hurts you though…well, I'll leave it Aedan to go into all that. (He seems really protective of you for some reason)

You've been on my mind a lot here recently; I can't help but feel bad about leaving you while it was so clear you were hurting. You have no idea how many times I almost turned my company around so that I could be there for you I can't help but feel like I've been shirking my duty to you. I hope that things have been going better for you in that regard. I just wish I could be there with you and be there for you, but you're in good hands with Oghren (at least you better be, he promised to look out for you). Take care of yourself; I mean it, you better not let anything happen to you or I'll be very angry with you. Be safe and I'll see you soon.

All my love,

Alistair

Eriana grinned to herself as she folded up the letter, hearing from Alistair was exactly what she needed. Seeing his familiar handwriting, reading his familiar words, she could almost hear his voice speaking to her; it was like a warm ray of sun light on a cold winter day. Sighing, she turned her attention to the second letter, one from Aedan Cousland himself. She was a bit nervous at first, unsure of how he might have taken the news about Nathaniel's joining, but to her surprise, he was surprisingly understanding about the whole situation. She had written to Aedan after his joining, explaining the situation and asking his advice on how to broach the subject with Fergus.

I went ahead and told Fergus about the situation, and he is understandably uncomfortable with the whole idea, but I'm sure he'll get over it. We were actually friends with Nathaniel when we were all growing up, and I was glad to hear that he wasn't involved in his father's deeds. I have to honestly say, I can't imagine that he would have gone along with it even if he had been in Ferelden when it happened. Perhaps that's why he sent him off to the Free Marches in the first place. Fergus will come to terms with it eventually, but until then, you may want to avoid bringing Howe around Highever or make sure he's on a mission or something whenever Fergus decides to visit, at least till he's okay with it. Anything Howe related understandably still makes him extremely uncomfortable.

He went on to explain that they had seen an increase in the number of darkspawn in the area and thanked her for training their guards in dealing with the creatures. They had managed to kill most of the creatures who had invaded their lands with very few losses to their guard. He was also apologetic about the Crow attack, aghast that it had happened in his town, under his watch.

On a more personal note, I was so sorry to hear about Zevran's departure. Highever just wasn't good to you, I'm afraid; you got attacked by Crows and darkspawn then something like that happened. I'm so sorry things went so badly for you here, and I wish there was some way to make it up to you. When Alistair told us what had happened, my heart just broke for you. You deserve more than that; I hope you know that. Let me know if there is anything I can do to make things better.

Ramoth sends his love. I think he's enjoying himself greatly; he's already gotten Ripper and two other bitches heavy with pup, so now he's strutting around like he owns the castle. We will be coming through in about four months on the way to celebrate the one year anniversary to the end of the Blight, so we can travel to Denerim together. I'm sure Ramoth will be ready to see you again (as am I). Let me know, let us know, if you need anything before then.

Until then, keep killing those darkspawn. I hope to see you soon,

Aedan Cousland

Eriana breathed a sigh of relief when she finished the letter. She had been worried about the Couslands' reaction to Nathaniel joining the Wardens; she felt like they had become friends during her visit, and the last thing she wanted to do was alienate them. The fact that Aedan seemed to be alright with it put her mind at ease; perhaps he could help Fergus come to terms with it as well. Grinning to herself, she reread the last paragraph of the letter, trilled to hear any news on her mabari. She missed him desperately and was looking forward to Aedan's visit so that she could see him again. A smile still on her face, she turned her attention to the final letter, and her smile dropped.

Da'len…

Her father, Eriana closed her eyes and cursed herself. It had been over two months since she had last written to him, back before she left Highever. How could she have been so utterly thoughtless? She had gotten so caught up in her duties and emotions that she completely forgot to let her father know what was going on. Groaning to herself, she began to pour over her father's letter. He started his letter gently chiding her for the long break since her last correspondence, but he was incredibly understanding. He went on tell her about the rebuilding efforts in the alienage, bragging on Shianni's efforts on behalf of the elves.

We miss you desperately here in Denerim; it was hard to let you go after having you back for such a short time. Yet I know your duty will keep you away from me. I have to say, I sleep a little better at night knowing that Zevran is there beside you, watching over you. We are all looking forward to coming up to Amaranthine soon. Have you two decided on a date for the wedding or have the duties of your new arling kept you too busy for your personal matters? I hope you don't get so caught up with your work that you neglect your personal life; you know you have a tendency to do that Da'len. Either way, let us know and we will be there; though we hope it's rather soon, as I said we miss you dearly. We can't wait to see you. Give Zevran our love, and please write back when you have a chance. You may be a hero to millions, but you're still my little girl, and I still worry that you're safe and happy. We are all proud of you, my darling; take care of yourself.

Dareth Shiral Da'len,

Cyrion

Eriana hung her head and stared into her cup of tea, fighting a new wave of nausea as it passed over her. She had to tell her father about Zevran, that there would be no wedding, no future that they had dreamed of. How could she have forgotten to tell him; he loved Zevran like a son, trusted him to care for her. He would be crushed when he heard the news and would probably be compelled to come to Amaranthine, to throw himself into fresh danger to comfort her. The thought made her sick. As her stomach churned and she tried desperately to control the surge of emotion running through her, Oghren plopped down beside her, two full plates of food in his hands.

Eriana glanced down at them. "Hungry today, Oghren?"

The dwarf shrugged. "No more than usual," he said, setting down the plates and shoving one in front of her. "This one's for you."

Eriana raised an eyebrow as she looked at the plate full of greasy eggs and sausage, all topped with some kind of thick gravy. Her stomach gave another lurch. "Um, thanks, I guess, but…"

"Have you already eaten," Oghren asked, interrupting her.

"No," Nathaniel said from across the table, glancing up from the book he was reading. "She's not eaten a thing since lunch yesterday."

Eriana made a face at the rogue before turning back to the dwarf. "I'm just not hungry."

"Bollox," Ogren said with a gruff snort. "I've watched you eat for a year now, and there's no way you're not starving. Now, you're not getting up from this table until you eaten that entire plate."

Eriana glanced down at him, eyebrow raised. "Okay, Dad," she muttered, pushing the plate away, "but I seem to remember being the Commander here."

Oghren shrugged, "On the battlefield perhaps, but right now, I'm not takin any orders from you. It's been weeks since you ate properly, and you can't tell me it's not affectin you. I've seen the way that armor of yours is hanging off you, and I'm not meanin to watch you waste away to nothing. There's too little of you as there is." He put a fork on the plate beside her. "Now, we can either do this the easy way, and you eat like a good girl, or we do this the hard way where I hold you down and Nathaniel there force feeds you."

"Hey, I never agreed to that. I just agreed that she needed to eat."

Eriana grumbled to herself throwing a few choice dwarven curses toward the red-headed warrior as she pulled the plate over to her. Oghren had a point; she had lost some weight over the past few weeks. She couldn't help it; she'd been stressed out, and stress made her sick to her stomach. So, she simply stopped eating for the most part. It was better than feeling sick all the time.

But now, staring down at the heavy, greasy food in front of her, a new wave of nausea passed over her. But Oghren was persistent, so Eriana figured it would be easier to just choke down the food rather than argue with the stubborn dwarf. It took her several minutes to finish off the entire plate of food. Once it was done, she pushed it away with a sigh. "Now, are you satisified," she said as she got to her feet.

Oghren smiled, "It's good enough for now. I'll see you at lunch, and if you want something different from what I eat, I suggest you have a full plate in front of you when I come in, ya hear?"

Eriana rolled her eyes and strolled out, making her way toward the training yard. About half way there, she started feeling warm and slightly dizzy, the heavy breakfast beginning to churn violently in her stomach. She barely made it out of the main walkway before her breakfast made an encore appearance. She wasn't sure how long she stood there, vomiting until her stomach was completely empty, then she sank to the ground, resting her head back against the cool stone wall behind her and closing her eyes as the sick feeling subsided. Her hands were shaking slightly as Nathaniel walked up to her and handed her a flask. Quickly, she took a drink, sloshing the liquid around in her mouth a bit and spitting before taking a full drink. Giving the rogue a weak smile, she handed the flask back up to him and let him help her to her feet.

"So," Nathaniel said as he led her over to a bench in the shade, "how long has this been going on?"

"How long has what been going on?"

He gestured over to the mess she had just made, "That, you throwing up your breakfast. How long has that been happening?"

Eriana shrugged, "It doesn't really happen. I don't really eat much breakfast anymore to be honest."

"Is that because you keep getting sick every time you eat?"

Eriana clanked up at him, "I don't get sick every time I eat; I just got sick today, that's all."

"And three times last week, and those are only the times that I saw," he said, wetting a handkerchief with his water flask and laying it across the back of her neck. "So tell me, Ana, what's going on?"

"Look, Nathaniel, it's nothing; I've just been really stressed out lately with all that's been going on with these darkspawn and everything, and not to mention all the emotional crap I've been sorting through since I got here. I guess in a way I carry my stress in my stomach because as long as I can remember I have always gotten sick when I was stressed out or upset about something. That's all, really."

Nathaniel looked down at her, "Are you sure that's it because you've been doing so much better for the last few days. If it's all stress, then what caused the episode this morning?"

Eriana sighed and handed him her father's letter. "Read the last paragraph," she said, watching as his eyes quickly scanned the paper in front of him.

"Ah, so you father doesn't know, and you're not looking forward to telling him?"

Eriana nodded, "He loved Zevran, looked at him like he was his own son, and he knows how close we were. He'll be devastated when he hears what happened. I'm afraid he'll feel compelled to come up here, and with the darkspawn and the assassination attempts…"

"You're afraid of putting him in danger." Eriana nodded. "Well, I suppose that's understandable. So you're sure that's all it is, this stress? I mean, you've been really tried here lately, worn down."

"Darkspawn nightmares are a bitch, you know. Couple it with all this running around…" Eriana sighed, "Don't beat around the bush, Nathaniel, you obviously have something specific on your mind. What exactly is it that you're asking me?"

He folded his arms and looked down at her. "I don't claim to be an expert in such things, or even experienced with them for that matter, but is there a chance you might be…could there be a chance that you're…" he couldn't seem to get to question out.

"That I'm pregnant? Is that what you're getting at, Nate?"

Nathaniel shrugged, "Illness in the morning is one of the signs of pregnancy is it not? So is fatigue."

Eriana rolled her eyes. "And weight gain, and as Oghren plainly pointed out this morning that's obviously not happening."

Nathaniel seemed unconvinced. "Well, I've heard that's not exactly an issue early on. So when were your last courses?"

Eriana felt her face grow scarlet, "Oh my Maker! I can't believe you just asked me that. Who died and made you my healer?"

"Come on, it's a reasonable question considering the…um, situation, and I worry about you, Ana," Nathaniel said. Eriana shook her head, looking away. "So, have you had your courses since you came here?"

Eriana groaned, "Look…ugh, I can't believe we're talking about this…my 'courses,' as you call them have been irregular since I joined the Grey Wardens."

"Is that regular for female Wardens?"

"I have no idea as I think Alistair would have blushed himself to death if I had ever broached the subject with him. The only other women Wardens I've ever met just joined a month ago, so I just have my experience to go on."

"So you haven't though, since you arrived."

"Ugh, Nathaniel. Fine, no, I've not had my courses since I got here, but that proves nothing. Besides, I'm a Grey Warden, and Grey Warden women just don't have children; the taint makes it extremely difficult."

"Difficult? But it can happen, yes?"

"I suppose it's not completely impossible, just very improbable."

"So it is possible then?" Nathaniel sat down next to her, draping his arm across the back of the bench behind her. "Were you and Zevran, you know, taking any precautions?'

Eriana rolled her eyes again, "Of course not, why would we? We didn't think it was a possibility for us; I still don't. This isn't a pregnancy; I'm just stressed out, okay?" Her stomach turned again. "Besides, I know what a pregnancy feels like; I've been pregnant before. That's not what's going on."

Nathaniel looked down at her, stunned. "What? You have a kid! How come I never knew about this?"

Eriana smiled sadly, "I never said I was a mother, Nathaniel, only that I had been pregnant before."

His eyes narrowed. "I'm not sure I understand."

She sighed. "Well, it happened when I was just sixteen while I was living and working in Denerim. I got involved with a young human who frequented the tavern I worked as a server in; we had only been together a few weeks when I realized I had gotten pregnant. I was afraid to tell him, afraid how he would react, so I kept it quiet for a while."

Eriana paused for a second, unsure how to continue without revealing too much. She was unsure how Nathaniel would react if he knew the whole story. "We were together for almost three months when he told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me; then he asked me to come to his parents' estate to meet them. When I got there, his family was gone and only he and his drunken friends were there. It didn't take me long to understand what was going on, what he wanted me to do. When I refused, he began to beat me until I passed out. They must have dumped me back at the alienage because my cousins found me and took care of me. I started bleeding two days later."

Eriana glanced up and looked at Nathaniel; his face was hard with a cold fury. "Who was it? Do you remember his name?"

Eriana nodded, "Of course I remember his name. It doesn't matter though; I'm pretty sure he died during the Blight." Nathaniel practically growled, and Eriana couldn't help but laugh. "Nathaniel, that happened a long time ago; there's no need for you to get so upset. I didn't tell you this to make you angry; I only told you so that you would understand. I'm just stressed, that's all. These last two months have really taken a toll of me, but it's getting better. Ada's letter just blindsided me, that's all."

"Won't you let Anders check, just in case."

"No," Eriana said sharply. "Look, Nathaniel, if I ask Anders to check this, then I'm admitting that I think there's something wrong with me physically. It would turn something that's nothing into a huge distraction, and we can't afford to be distracted right now. Even if he checked and found out I wasn't pregnant; he would still keep an extra close eye on me while we were fighting, just in case this strange illness pops up then. And what happens to you two while he's focused on me. I already have you and Oghren acting like mother hens over me; I can't have Anders' doing it too. Don't worry so much, Nathaniel; I'll be fine."

"So you're sure it's nothing to worry about," Nathaniel said looking down at her. She nodded. "Okay, then I'll let it go, but I do agree with Oghren, you need to start taking better care of yourself."

"I will, Nathaniel," she said, getting up to continue into the training yard. "Thanks for watching out for me; I do appreciate it, even if it's a bit embarrassing."

"No problem, Commander. I'm here if you need me."

-0-

The Wardens spent the next week or so responding to reports of isolated darkspawn attacks from around the arling. Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you see it, they didn't encounter any more talking darkspawn; nope just your run of the mill ax-wielding, spell-casting darkspawn. Nathaniel was returning to the keep with Keenan, Anders, and Eriana after taking out a small cell of darkspawn at a near-by farmstead when Varel met them at the gates.

"Commander," he said, giving the elf a brief bow. Nathaniel grinned, knowing how she hated this kind of formality, "I'm glad you've returned safely. I wanted to speak with you about setting a date for you to hold court."

Eriana stopped dead, causing Anders to run smack into her. "I need to hold what?"

"Court, High Court, actually, where you hear disputes between your vassals and make judgments on their behaves and preside over criminal trials and decide sentences for the condemned."

Eriana groaned and looked pleadingly at Nathaniel who just grinned and nodded; he could imagine just how uncomfortable the prospect would make her. "So how many cases will I be hearing exactly?"

"There are about five on the docket for this session, which isn't a lot, considering how long it's been since we held court. Most people are a bit concerned as to what kind of judgments you might make; many are afraid to bring a suit before you. The ones who are bringing one are likely doing it to test you, to see how you might react."

"Figures as much," Eriana said, handing her bag to the servant who had appeared to take them; Nathaniel and the others followed suit. "Set date for later in the week; we'll need to meet and discuss the cases before then. Now if there's not anything else…"

"Well, actually there is. A young elf arrived at the keep this morning, asking to see you, claiming he knew you. Considering the conspiracy against you, we kept him under guard until you could confirm his identity."

Eriana thanked him again then headed into the Main Hall of Vigil's Keep. Nathaniel followed close behind, curious as to who the visitor might just be. Part of him hoped that for her sake it was her missing assassin; while another part of him really hoped it was someone else. As they entered the hall, he saw a young elven man, standing in the middle of the room, talking cheerfully to Oghren. Eriana let out an excited squeal and ran across the room, throwing herself into the visitor's arms. The red-headed elf picked up his commander and spun her in a circle. Nathaniel crossed his arms, not sure how to welcome the man who caused his Commander so much pain, but he stopped when he saw Oghren, who was looking at him and shaking his head slightly.

Eriana took the elf by the arm and pulled him over to where Nathaniel and the other Wardens were standing. "Guys, I'd like you to meet my cousin, Soris," she said, smiling up at the man beside her. "Now, I've missed you like crazy and everything," she said turning back to her cousin, "but what are you doing here? I thought I asked you all to stay in Denerim."

"Um, actually you just told Uncle Cyrion to stay in Denerim. He was worried about you, Ana, and now that I see you, I'm glad I came. You look like shit, girl; haven't you been eating anything?"

"Aww, Soris you're so sweet; tell me, again, why I missed you," she said, slipping her arm around him and kissing his cheek lightly.

"Because you love me, even when I'm brutally honest," he said, messing with her hair.

Nathaniel stood back and watched as the two elves interacted with each other. This was a side of Eriana that he had never seen before. He had seen her stern and focused; he had seen her broken and sad, he had even seen what he thought was happiness. But this was totally different. The moment she saw the other elf, her entire demeanor changed, softening completely. All the strain and stress, the heartache and pain seemed to drain from her, and all around her seemed to flow an air of absolute contentment and peace. She needed this, needed to feel the absolute and unconditional love that only family could offer. Soris pulled her into a fierce hug and kissed her on her forehead before the two of them made their way up toward her quarters.

-0-

"You can't stay here; you know," Eriana told her cousin over breakfast the next morning.

"Why not? The food is so much better here than in the alienage, so is the ale, besides, you need me here. You've almost wasted away without me."

Eriana laughed before getting very serious. "Look, I'm going to tell you a few things; some of them you can tell my father, but some of them, you must swear to keep them to yourself." Soris nodded, finishing the last of his eggs and pushing his plate away. "Okay, we're in the middle of a war between two factions of darkspawn. One of these groups has already attacked the keep, killing all but one of the Wardens sent here from Orlais, and there's no telling whether or not they plan to attack again. I believe they will eventually, and that's why I wanted you all in Denerim."

Soris sighed, "Let me guess, that's the part I can't tell your dad."

Eriana shook her head, "Unfortunately, that's the part he needs to hear. Darkspawn, I can handle. I know darkspawn, and I'm very good at dealing with them. They're predictable to one who knows them as well as I do, Maker knows I've killed enough over the past two years, and as a Grey Warden, I can feel them coming. I can be prepared when they strike. It's the non-darkspawn that I really have to worry about." She went on to explain to him about the conspiracy to kill her, watching as the color left her cousin's face.

"Maker's breath, Eriana, what are you going to do about this?"

"I'm doing what I can, but I still don't know who all is behind it. It's hard to fight an unknown enemy. That's why I need you out of here before the nobles get here for high court. Some of the people involved in the conspiracy will likely be here; that's why I need you gone. I can't risk letting them see you here; they might try to hurt you or Shanni or Ada to get to me. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you because of me." Eriana reached out and took her cousin's hand. "You already spent a year in prison because I wasn't careful enough. I won't let you suffer any more on my account again."

Soris looked at her for a long time. "Ana, I can't just leave you like this. I can tell you've been hurting; I can see it in your eyes." He stroked her hand softly. "I went into Vaughn's house that day to protect you; I went in knowing that I was putting myself in danger, but I went anyway because I couldn't live with myself if I just stood by and let someone hurt you. If I can do something to help you, I will, danger be damned! I didn't back down then, and I won't back down now."

Eriana smiled at him. "See, this is why I love you; you're as stubborn as an ass. Fortunately, I'm more stubborn, and I have the power to make you do what I want." She sighed as she kissed his hand. "This isn't about being brave, Soris. I can't give them anything that they can use against me; there's just too much at stake on all sides. I know you want to help me, and I know you hate being sent back home, but I'm telling you this because I need you to keep an eye on things in Denerim. Keep an eye on Ada for me. If you truly want to help me, that's what I need you to do. I can't be distracted, not when so much is riding on me."

Soris shook his head, "You put too much on yourself, cousin, but I can see where you're coming from. I'll stay for a few more days; just long enough to make sure you're okay, then I'll head back to Denerim."

"Sounds like a plan to me," she said, finishing off the last of the meal in front of her. Though she had asked her family to stay away, as always, they knew what was best for her. Soris was exactly what she needed right now, a reminder that there were still those in the world who loved her, still those who would do anything for her. And though it didn't eradicate the pain she was feeling, for a while her cousin's presence dampened it, taking on some of the burden and making her load just a bit lighter.

-0-

Alright, I made some changes to the timeline that I set up in JFML. I extended the relationship between her and the nobleman from a few weeks to a few months (just in case anyone cares about those kinds of things). I figured everyone needed a little down time, and Eriana needed a chance to recover a bit.

Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me. I hope you enjoy this one. A special thanks to my reviewers: Danyal, Jen4306, Eva Galanda, WhenNightmaresWalked, Warrose, Judy, and Zeeji.

It may be a bit longer before my next update ~ the end of the grading period is coming up, so I'm about to get swamped.

Let me know what you all think!