A/N: I wrote most of this chapter before I started the actual story. It was going to be a one-shot to show my "theory" (or idea, really) about Lily and Severus. Then, I realized that without the back story and future plans I had for the two of them, it wasn't really as heartbreaking as I wished it to be. Thus, this fic was born. My point being, I've been waiting to post this one for… uh… a long time. Also, sorry it took so long—at first I thought it would be up super fast but then life happened. R/R, please! Thanks for all your support. This is where it all gets complicated.
Chapter Nineteen: Under the Pink
Winter: 5th Year
"Mother, the car is here
Somebody leave the light on
Black chariot for the redhead dancing, dancing girl
He's gonna change my name
Maybe you'll leave the light on
Just in just in case I like the dancing
I can't remember where I come from."
TORI AMOS, "MOTHER", LITTLE EARTHQUAKES
"How is school, Lily?" trilled Mother, spooning out helpings of lamb chops and peas on everyone's plates.
"School is school," said Lily miserably, focusing on her book on feminist studies rather than her family. "I don't want to talk about it." She was utterly distraught about her fight with Severus. She felt terrible about judging his friendships and lying to her house mates. However, she still believed that he was acting unjustifiably uncouth. Those friends of his were really rubbing off on him. Hardly hungry, Lily half-heartedly pushed the meat around on her plate.
Petunia seemed happy about this turn of events, and spent the entire dinner yakking to Mother and Father about some recent drama involving her friend from school who was wrongly accused of plagiarizing a report on Homer.
"Now Lily, pay attention. Put that book away," said Daddy, smiling eagerly. "Your mother and I some news. We're taking a holiday this week, and we won't return until the day after Christmas. We're going to be vacationing to Greece—"
"What?" Petunia squealed so loudly that Lily finally looked up. "You're leaving? For Christmas?"
"Yes, Petunia," nodded Mother. "Your father and I haven't gotten away for quite some time, and we figured that both of you girls are mature now. We're hoping you will take care of each other. Of course, you're in charge, Tuney—" Petunia gloated and Lily grumbled under her breath—" and we have faith that you two will act accordingly."
"And not set the house on fire," said Daddy merrily. Lily was irritated that both he and Petunia looked in her direction with that statement.
"Oh, you have nothing to worry about," Petunia babbled haughtily. "The house will be in even better shape than how you'll leave it. Won't it, Lily? Though I just can't imagine how you're leaving for Christmas!"
Lily made a face and leaned against her chair. If only Petunia was going as well. Then, there would actually be an upside to all this.
Mother nodded somewhat sadly. "It was the only time we could do so for Daddy's schedule—and you two can have some fun together!"
Petunia and Lily gave each other a Look. Lily's head was teeming with all kinds of unpleasant thoughts about their parents and how they'd be in the sun, on sandy beaches, leaving her with the dourest girl on the planet. It was hardly fair.
As the next few days went on, their parents prepared for the trip to Greece. They stocked the fridge, left a fat envelope of money for emergencies, and wrote the girls house rules in red ink (no boys was the big one, though Lily hotly informed them that she was fighting with Severus and that they were presently not friends). In no time at all, Mother and Daddy were gone, leaving their two silent daughters to a huge, quiet house.
Lily spent her time writing letters and reading, trying not to think too much about the fight with Severus. She felt awful about how it had ended but she reasoned that he deserved it since he had been so mean to Alice. Still, the look on his face had been unforgettable; he'd looked so hurt. She hated when he looked like that. He resembled a wounded animal. The worst part was that she had no one she could talk to about it. Instead, felt terrible while she rooted herself to the couch, where she watched sappy dramas on television and worked her way through the plate of Christmas fudge her mother had left for them. The days went by slowly, like torture.
Petunia came and went, sometimes with her snobby friends and sometimes alone. She hardly engaged Lily in conversation, though curiously enough she did invite her to a holiday party that was to occur that following week. Some friend of hers from school was throwing it. Lily figured there would be no way to get out of it unless she hid. Any other time, she would appreciate her sister trying to include her something, but at this point it just annoyed her. Petunia trying to make nice just made Lily feel worse because being nice was the last thing she wanted to do at the moment. Everything was annoying, actually. Mary sent long letters gushing about how Patil had met her in Diagon Alley and taken her to coffee, showing up with a bouquet of white roses. Muruvi wrote about her parents' holiday party, with gossip that Rosier was there and made a fool out of herself when her dress robes had slipped over her chest for an instant. Remus kept reminding Lily that if she needed to talk, he was available. That was kind, but it made her feel bad. Potter sent her a Christmas card with an invitation to a party. She ripped that letter up and tossed it in the fire.
As the week came to a close, she found better things to do with her time. She read, watched the Muggle news, sketched pictures, and painted her toenails. She wrote letters to Alice, Mary, Muruvi and Scarlet, suggesting an all-girls dueling group. All of the girls responded, excited by the idea. She played Scrabble with Petunia, even though they argued endlessly. Lily cleaned her room and wrote Christmas cards. Certainly, the fight with Severus had made her upset but she knew she had better things to do. She didn't need to sit around being miserable.
Severus arrived home by Muggle bus and did not get to Spinner's End until nearly nine at night. The reason was his ignorance about directions and Muggle money. He'd had to scrounge up what he could find from the station ground, and asked several Muggles on the bus for change. They gave him foul looks which he supposed had to do with his hair, since they called him the same name Tobias favored: a "hippy". Once he got in the house, he was immediately reminded of why he never wanted to go back. The house stunk of garbage and spilled booze, and his parents were quarreling loudly in the kitchen. When he came inside, his mother greeted him quietly. She did not ask where he'd been all last summer. She did not inquire about his time at school, but he couldn't care any less because he felt terrible about the fight he'd had with Lily. Immediately, he headed to his room and buried himself in his books. If he slept, he didn't remember because his waking hours blended in with his sleep. Everything was a blur, a washed-out haze.
On a day that could have been any day, Tobias woke him up by shouting over him. Severus groggily rolled over and sat up. "Jesus," he cursed under his breath. "What's wrong?"
"You've been in here for a day and a half, you lazy fuck! First you leave for nearly a year and now you're not talking to us. After spending time with those Malcoys, you must think we're dirt. Is that it?" Tobias leered from above him, brandishing a bottle.
Is everyone going to get on me about being friend with Lucius? First Lily, then my dad, Severus thought. "Go away," he croaked. "You're not making sense."
His dad laughed dryly. "Like you make any sense," he said loudly, and left.
Severus had to admit that in this case, his father was right. Without Lily, nothing made sense. He obsessed over their fight, playing it over and over in his mind as he watched idiotic television, slept in as late as possible and avoided his father's cruel questions about his life and school. But on an afternoon that week that could have been any afternoon, Tobias became impossible to ignore.
"Pick this shit up," he commanded, knocking several of Severus' school books off the kitchen table. "I don't want to look at it in my house."
His eyes unfocused due to lack of good sleep, Severus stared at his father irately. "Don't touch my things!" he snapped, gathering up the books and glowering reproachfully.
Tobias moved forward and knocked the books down with his fist. "That's for talking to me like I'm an idiot!"
"But you are an idiot," Severus affirmed loudly, unable to control himself. "You're drunk—again!"
His father's black eyes flashed furiously, and he grabbed Severus by the shoulders and slammed him hard against the kitchen counter. Several glasses fell and shattered. Severus tried to wrestle Tobias off of him, but his father was much less scrawny than he was. "You piece of shit!" Tobias screamed, slamming Severus in the face with his fist. Severus hollered in pain, grasping his jaw and fell to the floor on his knees. Unfortunately, he had knelt directly in the glass shards.
"MOTHER FUCKER!" he yelled, as his legs stung with pain.
"You're stupid," Tobias said, and kneed him in the chest. "Stupid and worthless—"
Struggling to get up, Severus pulled himself up by the kitchen counter but Tobias grabbed him by the shirt collar and slammed him to the floor again, Severus' face just meters away from the glass. "Why do you hate me so much?" Severus found himself saying aloud, tears of discomfort springing in his eyes. His words surprised him.
"What's there to like?" slurred Tobias. He grabbed Severus by the neck and smashed his face onto the tiled kitchen floor. Wailing in pain, Severus felt minuscule glass shards being rubbed into his cheek. Severus dug his nails into his father's leg and heard the man emit a pained grunt. Tobias kicked him again in the stomach.
Using his father's leg as a means to sit up, Severus grabbed him and leapt to his feet. Fueled by sheer rage, he punched his father in the mouth. Tobias fell against the counter, cursing loudly. It was not the impact that caught Tobias off guard; it was the pure surprise that Severus had physically fought back.
"I will not put up with this," Severus said as he tasted blood in his mouth. "I'm going to make sure you're never drunk again!" Before Tobias could stop him, he grabbed the new bottle of whiskey off the counter. "Now you'll have to deal with yourself. Let's see how you do—"
"Give me that! I just bought it-"
"Not a chance," Severus protested, shaking his head. With that, he took off running out the door.
"I'll strangle you!" Tobias yelled, heading after him. "I'll kill you!" Severus could hear his father's footsteps behind him. The front door of the house slammed, but he did not look. There was the sound of the old Buick starting as Severus ran down the lane toward the woods, and then the sound of the car smashing into something. The neighbors were shouting. Severus ran and ran and ran, the whiskey in his arms.
He wasn't sure where he was going but he was not at all surprised when he ended up in the clearing by the river. Just what I need, he thought callously, to think of Lily even more. But he knew he was safe here. His father would never find him. Severus rubbed his hands together and paced; it was quite cold out, a factor he had not taken into consideration. The quart of whiskey suddenly felt heavy in his hands and shivering, he leaned against the large tree. Their tree.
"FUCK!" Severus shouted and slammed his fist into the bark. His voice echoed impressively out over the dirty river but all the punch did was make his throbbing hand hurt worse. The only positive side was it took away the pain from his face. Severus hadn't expected to have such a terrible run-in with his father and he wondered what Mum would think. Probably nothing. What does she care? She probably thinks you're just as worthless as he does. And Lily obviously feels the same about you. Severus slid down the tree, not noticing or caring that the ground was extremely wet. He sat with his long legs splayed out in front of him and set the whiskey bottle on the ground. His first thought was to pour out the contents into the river, but something stopped him.
Thoughts of Lily engulfed his brain: Lily's disapproving face in the train, Lily watching wordlessly as he tripped, Lily calling him a Halfblood—these were negative images. But in between were pleasant thoughts, intense as ever, of Lily on his bed, kissing her, holding hands at the Shrieking Shack, her dark red hair in that past summer's sunlight. Severus decided that if this was it between them that he really didn't think there was much to live for. His life at home was horrific, he was becoming more of a target for the popular students at Hogwarts, and he didn't feel like he was especially liked by anyone. Of course, he thought, there's Tom Riddle. He believes in me! At least he says so. And Reg, and Mulciber and the others—they seem to like me all right. Severus sighed glumly. At least there was some hope.
But without Lily, he felt like not much mattered. After all, Lily had been the first person to like him—she always encouraged him, and believed in him. She saw him differently than anyone. Beyond being his girlfriend, she was his best friend in the entire world. Regulus was quickly becoming close to Severus, and Lucius Malfoy was his best male friend but Lily knew almost everything about him. And for Severus, that was truly a big deal.
He wondered what suicide would feel like. He liked the sharp tinge when he practiced the Sectumsempra curse on his arm but he hadn't ever tried to cut himself too deep. That week on the news, a drowned man had been discovered in a local river. Severus didn't much like water, but he figured that wouldn't be like swimming at all.
Perhaps it was because he was feeling such a chill, or maybe it was due to his feeling of helplessness, but Severus unscrewed the cap of the whiskey and took a quick drink. He groaned and made a face, disgusted. It was like the vodka he'd first tasted as a thirteen year old. There was a distinct difference between his parents' liquor and that of Lucius' family's. The alcohol he had with the Malfoys was distinctly smooth, not like this. He'd never had enough to really feel the effect, beside feeling sort of warm inside. But he'd watched Lucius' pallid face become pinker, and Hagawthe become noisier. His mum was chattier when drunk, and if it wasn't for alcohol, he would have never learned his family history. It seemed the only person who had issues with drinking was his father, and Severus was desperate to prove himself as different from his dad as possible. He took another drink of the whiskey, and then another. The taste did not improve, but he cared less.
Severus leaned against the tree, recounting everything he could have said differently to Lily. If he'd acted better, he wouldn't even be here. Or at least, or he would not be here alone. He drank a longer swallow and wiped his mouth on his sleeve, still cringing at the taste.
An hour later, Severus' thoughts about Lily had passed from the depressing to the nostalgic. He hardly cared they'd had a fight; now, he simply wanted to see her and make it right! He decided he'd better find her straight away. It was boring out in the woods alone. More than he had ever before, he had a strong urge to be around people. Being out here by himself wasn't satisfactory at all. Severus had another drink of the whiskey (which was actually tasting less dreadful at this point) and went to stand up, suddenly finding himself unsteady. It was such a strange feeling that he actually snickered out loud. Then, he laughed because he was snickering. Moments later he was still chuckling to himself and gripping onto the tree for support, the bottle in his other hand.
Amazed, he realized he must be drunk. And contrary to his fears as a child, he wasn't feeling particularly violent or angry at all. He felt completely out of his body—the cold was unimportant, he cared little about his problems at home, and all he wanted was to be with Lily. He grinned at the thought of her and plodded toward her neighborhood, swinging the bottle in his hand as he went.
"Who on earth is banging at the door? Who would come 'round at such a late hour? I'm trying to sleep," came Petunia's shrill voice from upstairs.
"I'm about to see," Lily responded loudly, a spark of irritation running through her body. The sisters had been having an awful time together that day, bickering whenever possible. They'd gone shopping in town and Petunia had harped on Lily about everything under the sun.
"Well, don't get murdered!" Petunia called back. "Check the peephole—don't open the door!"
"Yes, Mother," muttered Lily under her breath. She stamped to the front door as it rattled on its' hinges from being pounded so hard. "Hold on!" she said loudly. She checked the peephole and was stunned to see Severus' wan face staring back at her. "I won't be murdered! It's Severus. And don't worry. He's not coming in," she called up to Petunia, and flung the door open. "What are you doing here? I said I'd get in touch with you when I wanted to!" she said snippily and then noticed that he was grinning stupidly at her. Incensed, she folded her arms. "What? What's so funny?"
"Nothing's funny!" he smiled, and she watched him teeter back and forth a bit. "I'm just happy you opened the door. I thought maybe your mad—I mean, your dad might—but it's you! Your mad—I mean—"he paused and snorted—"your Dad hates me, he really does! But you're here! Do you hate me? Do you?"
"Ssh!" Lily said, vastly irritated at Severus' uncanny jubilant attitude about the whole situation. She put her hands on her hips. "It's nearly eleven at night! And my parents are out of town, they're in—"
"You're alone?" he asked excitedly, and she suddenly realized he had a bottle of liquor in his hand that he was waving to and fro. It was half gone.
"No-Petunia's here." She looked back to the inside of the house nervously and then lowered her voice. "Sev—are you drinking? Are you… are you drunk?" Severus, the boy who had sworn off alcohol for the rest of his life as a pre-teen? What in the world was going on? Lily wasn't sure if she should be concerned or something else.
He laughed uncharacteristically, looking wholly amused by her question. "A bit," he said, "a bit." Lily noticed that a great lot of blood had dried down his face, and that there was a gash on his cheek.
"Sev!" she cried out, all anger momentarily forgotten. "Are you okay? What happened to you?" She reached out her hand and held his thin face, examining the scar there. "Did you cut yourself?"
"My dad," he sputtered, nodding. "We had a big row—I actually hithim, but he smashed my face in all this glass. He's a prize asshole—"
Lily raised her eyebrows, disgusted. "I'm so sorry," she said, shaking her head. "Do you want me to call someone? He's not just an asshole, Severus, he hurt you—"
"No, no, who would you call?" Severus babbled, acting very nonchalant about the fact that his face was cut up and bloody. "Muggle police? They don't do shit—"
"How do you know?" Lily said softly. "They could help you—"
"No Muggles can help me!" Severus said, laughing as though she'd cracked a hilarious joke. He went to take a drink from the bottle and slipped, falling face down on the porch. "Shit, ha ha!" he said loudly.
"Oh my God," Lily said, hiding a smile. She stepped out onto the porch, taking Severus by the waist and helping him up. He kept tottering back and forth, and then put his arm around the small of her back to steady himself. Lily shivered. "You're freezing. Your hands are like ice," she said. "You shouldn't be outside—"
"Let me in, then," he said into her neck. "I want to see you. I came here because I miss you… I want you to like me again."
Lily felt her face get hot despite the cold winter air. "'course I like you," she said, "but you're hurt, Sev. Your face looks a right mess. At least let me—"
"What on earth is going on down there?" shrieked Petunia from the stairs. Her hair was set in curlers, reminding Lily of Medusa. Instantly, Lily pulled away from Severus. "What is he doing here?" Petunia charged down the stairs, a force to be reckoned with. She really was taking these house sitting duties to heart. "And what are you two doing out there?"
Lily quickly figured her sister couldn't spot a drunk person when she saw one—Lily hardly had, after all. Still, she stood so that she was in front of the bottle. Petunia had a keen eye when it came to drama. "Look at Severus' face," she said, acting as though she'd only been touching him to explore his wound. "He's hurt. He needs to come inside and clean up, Petunia—you understand, right?"
Petunia made a disparaging clucking noise, but she seemed to appreciate being clued in to the situation. She observed Severus from the doorway, her blue eyes slits. "I suppose you should give him a warm cloth. And there's peroxide in the bathroom." She looked hard at Severus. "You'd better leave as soon as you take care of yourself. And Lily, remember the rules!" She headed back upstairs and slammed the door to her room.
"Horse-faced cunt," laughed Severus, snaking his hand down onto Lily's bottom.
She swatted him away. "She was being nice, Severus. Don't talk about her that way! She could have dialed Mother and Daddy in an instant, and she still can. I know you're drunk, but don't be stupid."
He nodded, and mimed locking his mouth with a key. On the way inside, he smacked into the door jam. Lily sighed.
Lily went to work at once fixing up a warm rag for Severus' face, and they stood in the upstairs bathroom together as he wiped away the caked-on blood. There was a long, thin cut on his left cheek, and several small cuts surrounding it. A bluish bruise was forming under his right eye. The way he looked made Lily want to cry, but he seemed not to care too much. He half-heartedly scrubbed off the blood and admired the gashes as though they were something to be proud of. The bottle of whiskey sat on the bathroom counter; he'd insisted in taking it upstairs which worried Lily. But she figured they'd be safe from Petunia's prying eyes as she could hear her sister's snores from the adjacent room.
"Are you still angry?" asked Severus, turning away from his reflection to face Lily, who was sitting on the counter with her legs crossed.
She shrugged and put her hands in her lap. "I was… I was really mad, Severus. But this is more important. I care about you too much to still be mad—"
"BRILLIANT!" he exclaimed and she nudged him in the chest with her foot.
"Shush!" she said, but she was smiling. "You must really think I'm awful if you expected I'd still be upset after seeing you covered in all those bruises—"
"Let's not talk about that," he said, and moved in front of Lily so that he was standing directly before her. He put his hands on her waist. "I think you should have some whiskey," he said, that strange, non-Severus grin plastered on his face.
"Petunia would slaughter me if she found out. My life would be over. You know that," Lily tsked, but she was curious about it. "Besides, when did you start drinking? I thought you were totally against it—"
"I drink at Lucius'," he said, slightly importantly in her opinion.
"Since when?" she challenged.
"Dunno. A few years ago—"
"And you judged me for wanting to try wine?" Lily pressed, rolling her eyes and chuckling. "I can't believe you never told me…"
Severus threw up his hands. "That was when I was a lot younger. And I didn't want you hanging around Belby—that was the main problem. I liked you and I didn't know enough to tell you. At Lucius, they gave me two drinks. That was when I met Tom Riddle! I had two drinks at the same time. It's funny now. I never drank much until tonight and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I feel great!"
Lily blinked. She'd never heard Severus be so chatty and direct, nor had she ever heard him utter the words "I feel great". It was truly a positive change. If drinking made Severus happier and more honest, what would it do to her? "I think you're as cleaned up as you can be. We should go to my room and shut the door so Petunia doesn't wake up—I do want to try that whiskey—"
"You're going to feel so good," said Severus and ran his hands over her legs. Lily shivered and hopped off the counter, unsure of how this would play out.
Lily made sure to sit at the far end of her bed, propping herself against the headboard. She wanted to test out where Severus would sit. Generally, he took some coaxing to get close to her but tonight he came right over and sat with his legs touching hers.
"Go on," he said, passing her the bottle of alcohol. She unscrewed the cap and recoiled at the smell.
"It's a bit strong, isn't it? All right…" Lily paused to gather herself, then took a sip and cringed. "Ugh! It's awful—"
"Trust me—it gets much better. Drink more," he urged, and to her slight horror, he took out a cigarette and made to light it.
Lily knocked it out of his hand, frowning. "You wally—you're going to smoke in my house? Do you know how much trouble I could get in?"
"I could lean out the window, come on—" Severus said. At her expression he snorted. "Fine, fine. I won't. Go on… Drink some more of it. I want to see you get drunk."
"Who says I'm going to get drunk?" she said lightly, but took a longer drink, sticking out her tongue when she was through. "Yikes, it's foul—"
Severus snatched it away and took a sizable drink. "I told you, you notice less and less. Here!" He shoved it back at her.
"What is this, a race?" Lily asked, but complied. She wanted to know how it felt to be drunk just as much as Severus apparently wanted to see her drunk. The whiskey still left a burning feeling in her throat.
"Have I ever told you…" Severus began, and then put his arm nonchalantly around her shoulder. "Have I ever… told you how much I like your eyes?" he asked, and as if proving his point he stared deeply at her as though looking for something he'd lost.
Lily giggled and took another drink. "Yes, sort-of. And I've told you I like yours, as well."
Severus continued to gawk at her until she playfully hit him in the chest. He took the bottle out of her hands and pressed it to her mouth. Lily squealed, laughing. "Get that out of my face—"
"Drink more," he said.
"It's terrible, though!" she said, though she took another, longer, drink and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She wasn't feeling different yet, which was surprising. She'd expected the effect to be immediate. So, she took two more drinks from the bottle, hoping she'd soon see a difference in herself.
"So you really didn't want me hanging around Belby?" asked Lily teasingly. "You should have just said something instead of acting like you did. Remember how you stormed out of Slughorn's party?" She laughed aloud, taking what would be her sixth shot from the bottle.
"Oh, be quiet. At least I didn't cry, like you did that one time—"
Lily dropped her mouth open in mock-shock. "I can't believe you'd make fun of me for crying! You're horrible!"
"Well, yes. That's the point, isn't it?" he said with a small sneer.
"You cried when you thought I was hanging around Potter—"
Severus kicked her softly. "Fuck you. I never cry."
"Everyone cries, Sev," Lily said.
"Not me," he affirmed. "Anyway, I've got to take a piss. Be right back." He walked out of the room unsteadily.
Lily slumped back on her bed and grabbed the whiskey bottle, taking a big swig. She ran her hands through her hair, tossing it back and staring at herself in the mirror across from her bed. Her long hair was attractively unkempt, wavy and rolling over her shoulders. In her opinion, she looked quite good. She wondered if Severus thought so. He had to—didn't he? Annoyed at her roving thoughts, Lily took another drink of the whiskey. She ran her hands over her chest, and pulled her blouse down so that her cleavage was much more visible. Being drunk felt better than she'd expected. It felt good not to care, to simply chat and get along with Severus. This was the best time they'd had since they'd officially gotten together. Everything felt so honest.
"And so it's really no doubt I hate her, you see," Severus said unevenly, leaning against Lily's pillows on her bed, his black hair dangling in his face as he told her all about being Mary's partner in Divinations. "Every day, she predicts that my life will be one big nightmare. Not that it isn't already. Hey, maybe she's actually really good at Divinations. I never thought of it that way. Of course, I have you in my life." He looked at Lily pointedly.
Lily giggled, spreading herself out and accidentally-on-purpose touching his leg with her foot. "She's my friend, but she can be obnoxious," Lily agreed, nodding. "Did you hear she gave Patil a blow job?"
Severus widened his eyes, and shifted backward, resting on his elbows. Lily watched his thin chest rise and fall, memorized his sharp jawline and dark, thick eyebrows. "Told you she was a slag," he said finally.
"Shush," Lily laughed, pushing his chest playfully. "This coming from a bloke with Rosier as a friend. What's her problem, anyway? You said it yourself. She's an ugly girl—"
"I wish I had a camera," Severus said, grinning. "I'd take a photograph of this momentous occasion upon which Lily Evans spoke a bad word about someone for absolutely no reason—"
"You do it all the time about my Gryffindor housemates," Lily retorted, though she was smiling slightly. "I get to say the truth every once in a while, then, don't I?"
"Be my guest," he said darkly, a twisted smile on his lips.
"I think you're rubbing off on me," Lily said playfully.
Severus caught her eyes. "I wish I was rubbing off on you," he said.
Lily giggled again, taken aback. "Oh," she said, pushing back her bangs. "That's funny, Severus."
"Go on," he said unevenly. "Tell me what you think of Rosier. Don't be afraid—"
"I'm not afraid. She's awful, Sev. You know she is! Aside from being ugly, she's a terrible Prefect. Most of the time she's just lounging about in the baths or in study hall, and she passes off all the hard duties to Middleton. She's sneaky, and thinks she's ever so cool because she's got a Pureblood family. You know, from the back and the side, she really does look like a boy. And not a cute boy, either," she said, feeling good about her tirade.
Severus smirked almost approvingly.
"And don't even get me started on Mulciber—ugh—you must know the things he gets up to. He's such a gross pervert. Anyone who says he's good looking is insane. His personality is rotten," Lily went on. "And Regulus Black is evil—I can't believe the things he does to Sirius. Not that Sirius doesn't deserve it, but still—"
"Too far," Severus said, holding out his hand. "Don't go making fun of all my friends. I don't really want to talk about them—"
"Me either. But you asked," Lily replied shortly, flinging her hair back. She smiled at him and lay down so that they were side by side. "I drank quite a bit, but I don't feel different, really…"
"Your face is pink," Severus said laughingly. "And you're talking a lot."
Lily frowned. "So?"
"So, I like it," Severus shrugged at her. "I like to see you being mean. It's funny."
"Funny?" Lily rolled her eyes. "You're supposed to fear me."
"Ha. Right. Nothing scares me," Severus said, and squeezed her shoulder. They locked eyes, and he leaned in and kissed her on the lips.
Lily giggled and shoved him in the chest. "You're so weird," she said plainly, sitting up again to lean on the headboard.
"What do you think? Have I caught up to you, you think?" She waved the bottle of whiskey, which was considerably emptier than when Severus had arrived.
"You hardly drank as much as me, but then again you're loads shorter—"
"Not loads," she said, feigning annoyance, a small smirk on her lips. "I'm bored," she went on. "I think we should…" She was paused and burped loudly. Normally, this would mortify her but now it just seemed funny. She laughed. "Sorry," she said.
"You're worse than me," Severus said, shaking his head. "And you go on and on about Rosier being like a bloke—"
"Quiet, you. Anyway," she babbled, "I can't believe I had so much. I'm a Prefect, I really shouldn't be acting this way—"
"We're not even at school and you're still going on about being a prefect?" Severus said jokingly. "Do you ever think about anything else?"
"You're just jealous because you weren't made a prefect," Lily said, sticking out her tongue.
"You know, you're right," he said dryly, waggling his eyebrows. "I'm so pathetic, I'm still thinking about that. Trust me, I'm glad I'm not one. It gives me more time to do important things."
"Like what?" pressed Lily, laughing again. "Making up spells?"
He paused and shrugged. "Sure," he said. "Like any of your Gryffindor friends are smart enough to do that."
Lily tossed her pillow at his head. "Hey!" she said, "We're smart in Gryffindor. We're brave, too—"
"Yes, so I've heard," said Severus mockingly, laughing.
Lily rolled her eyes but she couldn't help but grin. She flopped back against the wall, smirking. "Honestly, you're such a pain sometimes."
Severus sat up and smiled at her. "You know, I thought drinking would make me act bad, but I like how I feel—I feel good. Not like myself. Better than myself."
"Sev, I like the way you are," Lily said, spreading out on the bed again. She stifled a hiccup. "You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Honestly. I wouldn't like you if you weren't you—"
"You like everybody," he said, his black eyes glossy. "That's why people like you back. You're the nicest person in school. So, how'd you get stuck hanging around a fucking joke like me?" It was hard to tell if he was being serious or not.
She smiled at him, her face suddenly feeling quite flushed. "I'm not as nice as people think I am," she said, shaking her hair out of her face and staring at him. "Honestly, I try to stand up for what I think is right, but it gets tiring. And most of the people at school don't deserve half the things I do. Sometimes I'd rather act like a bitch."
"I fancy you, big bitch or not," Severus said, grinning.
Lily felt a shudder through her body as he looked her over. "I fancy you back even if you're a right cruel bastard sometimes. You're still my best mate—"
"Is that all?" he asked, eyebrows furrowed, a slightly amused smile on his thin lips. "Just your mate, then? What about when we…" He trailed off and ran his long fingers up her thigh. Her breath caught in her throat, though she tried to play it cool. But how could she play it cool now? Her head was swimming and she felt the impact of his touch rippling through her. "You like that, do you?" he asked deeply. His voice was like a silk scarf rubbing against her inner thigh. He sounded confident. Daring, even.
"Not just mates, silly," she managed to say, unable to contain a smile. "You know that… But you? You're always so cold. Who knows what you're thinking?" She caught a glimpse of them in the mirror in front of the bed. They were striking, the pair of them: he with his sharp features and thin, angled body and her with her soft curves and bright eyes.
Whatever reservations she had regarding his appearance were melting away quickly. Generally, she was sorry to admit she sometimes found him physically unappealing. His attractiveness lay in his personality and their history together. However, about now, his slightly oily black hair made him look more rebellious than unclean, and his faded clothes gave him a sort of rugged appeal she'd never considered before. She found herself watching him in the mirror, watching those long white hands she knew were almost triple the size of her own, and his sockless feet, lengthy toes fanned out. She watched for the front of his jeans, wondering if his dick was hard yet. As she continued to watch their reflections Severus leaned into her neck, his hot breath making her heartbeat quicken. She watched him in the mirror nibbling her neck, his teeth sharp and powerful against her skin. Lily moaned quietly, feeling her inner core warming up. She rubbed her legs together.
"If I'm cold, you're hot," he responded. And then, suddenly, she felt his fingers exploring her stomach, touching the curves of her breasts. She breathed in and leaned back toward him, kissing him deeply on the mouth. Their tongues intertwined. He tasted like whiskey, cigarettes and ink. Hurriedly, he stuck his left hand down the front of her pajama bottoms, the elastic snapping over his fingers. Lily let out a low moan, surprised but eager and excited when she felt the long fingers she'd just been studying in the mirror probing the folds of her privates. Severus grunted into her ear, kissing her shoulders as he uncertainly explored the center of her with his fingertips. She bit her lip at the way his long nails felt harsh on the sensitive skin there, but she was too energized by the fact that he was there to correct him—she didn't even have the words to do so. It was different than when she did it, and when she felt his long fingers pressing deep inside the tight hole, she winced and moaned aloud.
"Blimey, I like this," he said. His voice was urgent and rough as sandpaper. Lily's mouth opened involuntarily and her eyes shut as he pushed his pointer finger into her more firmly and quickly, in and out. She whimpered, barely able to breathe, and Severus pulled his finger out. She let out a breath as he situated himself in front of her, kneeling in between her spread-out legs. He tugged down her pajama bottoms and felt her privates with his whole hand. She moaned aloud when he happened to pull his fingers across her clitoris, and she felt him trying to recreate that reaction, rubbing his hand across her. He wasn't exactly hitting the right spot, but his touch still made her writhe in front of him. He stuck his finger inside her again, and then he added a second and a third finger. Her legs shook slightly. "You're wet," he muttered. "Damn, you're really wet." His rhythm quickened; she had the sudden fleeting thought that he was going to rub her raw. She could feel his nails against the walls of her, and yet she didn't want him to stop. He stopped and pulled off his shirt, pulled down his trousers. Lily felt like they were in a movie but she had not memorized her lines. Everything was a fast blur. She felt like she wasn't fully present, but she watched him struggling to pull his trousers over his erection all the same.
Smiling unevenly, she leant forward and reached out for his member, feeling the front of him through his y-fronts. Severus clenched his teeth and nodded, and she kept stroking him there. Scooting forward on the bed, Lily tugged his underpants over his hard dick and stared at it in the dim lamplight. Wordlessly, she ran her hand over the smooth skin, and cupped his large balls with her other hand.
"Oh… my… fucking…" Severus trailed off and bit his lip.
Lily observed his penis. It was bright pink and big, and her head whirling with careless thoughts of Mary and Patil, and Sirius Black, and all of the summers in the forest near Spinner's End, Lily bent down and licked the tip of his engorged penis.
Severus groaned pleasurably, one hand in her hair and the other cupping her breast, tweaking her nipple. Lily took the end of his dick in her mouth, rolling it around under her tongue. It didn't taste very good, it was like sweaty laundry, but in her present state of mind she really did not notice or care. She wondered if she was doing it right, but that also did not matter in this moment. What mattered was the feeling that she was rendering him speechless. She liked that quite a bit. She sucked on his penis for a few more minutes as he panted and moaned above her.
"Let me have a go," he said urgently, once she'd slowly released his dick from her mouth. "I'm so hard, just let me—"
"You want to have sex with me?" she asked, in what she thought was a flirty tone. She felt a bit unsteady, and there was a bad taste in her mouth. She let out a sharp whimper when he once again stuck his fingers all the way inside her.
"Don't be stupid," he said. He kissed her mouth, and then licked her neck, breathing hot against her. She moaned, putting her arms around his neck. Severus pulled his fingers out, and tugged her shirt up over her face. "Of course I do." He threw it behind them on the carpet. He felt her breasts, cupping them in his hands and grunting deeply. When he breathed in her ear, she felt like she was on fire. He wanted to have sex with her. She figured she wanted to have sex with him, too, and they were both intoxicated. Petunia was sound asleep. When else would they get to do this? After all, hadn't they waited long enough?
Lily tried to reason with herself, but it just wasn't happening. When she felt his fingers back in the folds of her, she lay back on the bed, waiting and wondering how this would play out. Severus stopped fingering her, spat in his hand, and began to vigorously pull on his dick. Lily watched him in great interest, leaning on her side to dim the lamp, her hair spilling over her naked shoulders.
There were things she knew she should remember, but she couldn't quite recall what they were. She felt like she should say something important, and then suddenly she felt a sharp, deep pain. She bit down on her lip and squirmed on the bed. "Ouch," she said in a squeal. "What was that?"
"You're really small down there," he said unapologetically. "Wait… hold on…" He spat in his hand again and rubbed the saliva over his member. She watched this time, blearily, as he leaned over her and with one hand and tried to force his thick member into her. It was like trying to stick a tube of lipstick through a keyhole. She made a sound of protest again—it hurt worse than anything she'd ever felt. "I know," he said, sounding irritated, "I'm trying—"
Expectantly, Lily clenched her teeth and waited for whatever sex was. So far, this didn't seem to be all that worthwhile. They did the same thing a few times, and then once there was a really terrible pain (he admitted he'd put it in the "wrong place" by accident). Severus didn't say much, other than an annoyed comment here and there and Lily wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. He kept spitting on himself and trying, again and again, looking all the more frustrated every second. Finally, Lily felt a stabbing pain in her core.
"Oh my god," Severus whispered loudly. "This is so good."
She supposed he was finally fully inside her, due to the amount of pain she was in. Lily gritted her teeth as he thrust into her slowly. He moaned, and then repeated the same motion, thrusting into her a second time. Above her, he was staring down, watching her with an intense look on his face. Lily had the distinct urge to laugh, but she held it in. She tried to re-position herself to make it feel better. She even arched her back, but it was the same throbbing feeling. "Sev, is it supposed to hurt?" she whispered.
"I don't know," he said offhandedly. He was no help at this point, she decided. She stared up at him widely as he looked down at her, grunting and thrusting into her once in a while. "Too good," he said in a low voice as he quickened the pace of his thrusting. He breathed shallowly, sounding like he was drowning. She was getting used to it. Either that or it wasn't hurting as much anymore. She bucked her hips toward him, and he stopped. "Don't—do—anything," he instructed her throatily, and then the upper half of his body convulsed. "Fuck," he spat, and there was a great feeling of release as he pulled out of her.
"What are you—" Lily began, but then Severus made a pained face, moaned loudly, and jolted forward a bit. Lily felt something hot and wet on her leg. She blinked a few times and gazed up at him, confused. "What—just?"
"It's not usually… it's not usually that short, I can go much longer—damn… Er..." He used the edge of her blanket to wipe off her leg, and then gawkily he slid off the bed, bending over to find his clothes. In the dim dark, he looked overwhelmingly lean and very white. She blearily noticed that his entire back was covered in bruises of various sizes.
"Was that it?" Lily wondered aloud, closing her eyes. It was as though she had vertigo.
"I told you, it's not usually like that!" he snapped unpleasantly, pulling his underpants over his now flaccid penis. He stumbled into her nightstand, making the lamp rattle.
"I guess I thought there was more to it," she said candidly, a surge of uncertainty and excitement pulsing through her. She had just lost her virginity to Severus. It was over. What would Mary and the others think?
Unfortunately, Severus seemed personally offended by her comment. He shot her a dirty look, and pulled the rest of his clothes on. "You know, you weren't very much help," he said. "Anyway, I'm off. I'm going home."
"Are you sure you should go back to your house?" she called out quietly. "Are you sure it's a good idea?"
He turned back to look at her, his angular features accentuated in the dark. "Where else would I go?" he asked quietly, and left.
Lily sat back in the dark, and looked at her digital clock. It was four in the morning. She still felt dizzy, and slightly parched. She headed to the bathroom and drank a cup of water, and then stared at her reflection. It was her after all. She had thought it would be a girl she didn't recognize.
Severus stumbled all the way to Spinner's End, falling down several times and painstakingly dragging himself up. In his head was a dull spinning feeling, and although it had registered that he had just had sex with Lily, he wasn't really quite sure how it had happened. He felt a pleasant sense of relief due to climaxing, but it was mixed up with something else—a shadow of doubt, of foreboding. His dick had not quite worked the way he meant it to. Anytime he masturbated by himself, he was able to control precisely when he wanted to ejaculate. Tonight, he'd taken longer to become hard than usual and he'd come within minutes despite a huge amount of effort to make it last longer. He wasn't quite humiliated, just annoyed. He had no reason to be embarrassed because he hardly cared about anything at all.
Severus tripped on the driveway in front of his house and cursed loudly. He felt extremely out of control when it came to his body, as though he were a puppet on strings. Unsteadily, he fell through the front door and instantly sat on the couch in the parlor. Stretching out, he was aware of how loose he felt. Loose, and a bit peaked. Severus' stomach turned, and his head panged dully with the start of headache. He tried to measure how much alcohol he'd consumed. Way, way more than he ever had before. More than half that bottle. It was a mystery to him how he'd even gotten to Lily's house. He didn't remember anything except for being inside her, how good it had felt. But even the memory of thrusting on top of her gave him a wretched feeling of dizziness. He closed his eyes and moaned weakly.
He curled up on the couch and dozed off for about an hour, until he awoke to a searing headache. Gripping the couch cushion, Severus struggled to pull himself up, feeling physically worse than he had in his entire life. He had no will to move, and no recollection of how he'd gotten home. And then, he vomited right there on the couch. He spat the bad taste out and instantly fell back asleep, side-by-side with the pile of puke.
Only a few hours later, he woke up to the sound of loud laughing. Hazily, he opened his eyes to see Tobias standing over him cracking up hysterically. Severus stared up at his father, his head throbbing, feeling extremely perplexed. The smell of the puke next to him was so unbearable, he nearly felt the urge to throw up again but he held it in. He slowly sat up, rubbing a hand across his sore forehead and brushing strings of puke out of the sweaty strands of hair that hung in front of his thin face.
"What?" he croaked. The sound of his own voice made his head pound even harder.
Tobias snorted. "I'm just not surprised," he said, and left the room.
Unable to hold it back any longer, Severus hurled bile onto the floor.
Across the bridge, Lily was not feeling much better. She woke up dehydrated and feeling strained in every part of her body, and to top it off, her sheets were stained in blood. Her privates throbbed every time she walked. She had the worst headache ever, and she was absolutely starving. It was a very hard morning. Around noon, she slowly got out of bed and wandered down to the kitchen, where Petunia was reading a magazine.
"It's about time you got up," Petunia said curtly, instantly looking up.
Lily waved a morning greeting and groggily shuffled to the fridge. This was a time when magic would definitely come in handy; she'd much rather use a spell then have to cook in this state of mind. She leaned against the counter, her head spinning, as she toasted two slices of bread. Lily closed her eyes and instantly she recalled the pivotal moment of last night's visit with Severus: I lost my virginity.
"Something wrong?" asked Petunia sharply, and Lily felt her sister's eyes boring into her.
"Nothing," Lily managed to get out. "Nothing's wrong at all—"
"What on earth did that boy get himself into, Lily? You know, Mother and Daddy wouldn't have approved of him coming over so late but I trust you now to know right from wrong. Still, I think it's awful that he acts the way he does. Do you suppose he got into a fight with someone? I think that would be dreadful. It's not the way people should act," she babbled.
Lily shrugged, grabbing marmalade and butter from the fridge and spreading heaving layers all over her toast. "Don't know," she said shortly. "He wouldn't say. His parents weren't around and he needed help. That's all I know." With Petunia, Lily had found that being blunt and to the point made lying much easier. If a story was explained enough that Petunia wasn't hankering for details, it meant she'd leave the issue alone.
True to form, Petunia looked back at her magazine, wetting her finger to flip the pages. "You're coming with me tomorrow, right? Tabby invited you specifically, though I do believe she was just trying to be polite—"
While Petunia's eyes were on her magazine, Lily rolled her own eyes. "Yes, I'm going—"
"We'll be leaving tomorrow at one in the afternoon. I'd like it if you looked a bit less… risqué than usual," suggested Petunia.
Lily sat down in a stool in front of the kitchen counter. "What do you mean by that?"
"Take now, for instance. Your… bosom is showing," Petunia informed her.
Lily looked down to see a modest amount of cleavage showing. "Tuney—I have big boobs—they won't just go away—"
"Yes, but you don't have to flaunt them," said Petunia. "Honestly, people are going to get the wrong idea about you."
Lily focused on her toast and tried desperately to drown out her sister's words. Instead her thoughts dwelled on last night's happenings. She was regretting how much alcohol she'd had because she was certainly paying for it now, and she was not certain whether or not she was happy she'd had sex. She'd wanted to, but it had been different than she'd expected. It had been very awkward and it hadn't felt good. Severus' fingers had been too harsh, his penis was too large, and he'd gone from scarily happy to a big arse in a matter of minutes. It seemed alcohol didn't fully change people, as they'd presumed. He was the same moody person as before, she decided darkly. She couldn't remember their conversations very clearly, but she knew she'd had a good time for awhile. She tried to retrace the night, to fully remember how she'd lost it. Lily pretended to listen to Petunia babble on about the neighbors across the street, and how they were all in a big fight. She mostly wanted to chuck her toast at her sister's head. Again and again, she wondered how Severus was doing. She worried about his home life, but she also wanted to know what he thought about last night.
Once she'd had several glasses of water, she felt much better but still on the verge of throwing up. She was able to get out of hanging out with Petunia and went back to bed for several hours. Around five, she woke up to tapping at her window and she tiredly opened it. Poe flew in, hooting loudly and dropping a piece of folded up paper.
"Haven't seen you in awhile," Lily said, petting her head. Her stomach turned, now from nerves rather than nausea. She unfolded the note and read what Severus had sent. In his small untidy scrawl was one word:
Hi.
Lily sighed and took out a quill. Waste of parchment, don't you think? she wrote. So how are you doing? I was considering talking to you but I figured you should talk to me first. How are you? I feel like a bludger hit me in the head. And everywhere else, really. I'm not sure what I think about last night. Want to meet me at our tree? Petunia's out of the house. Lily folded the parchment back up and sent Poe on her way. Fifteen minutes later she got a response, although Poe looked at her as if she was wondering why they could not just deliver the messages themselves.
You're snappy today, he'd written. I'll meet you in five minutes if you don't talk too loudly. You think you feel like a bludger hit you? Well, I feel like I was shot multiple times and I've thrown up all my vital organs. My father laughed in my face and seems to be proud of me for once which I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around—though that could be because I may have potentially puked out my brain. I hope you are not mad at me because from what I remember of last night I had a very nice time. Meet me by the tree, all right? -Severus
Lily made a face at his mentioning of vomit; he really could be disgusting sometimes, although she felt bad for him. At once, she changed her clothes, fixed her hair in the mirror and set off out the door with Poe flying overhead.
"Hi," Severus croaked, exhaling smoke from his cigarette and staring at Lily as she approached. How she looked so flawless after their late night he'd never understand. She was only wearing a plain jumper and jeans and her long black coat, but she looked stunning to him. He could hardly believe he'd been inside her last night, partly due to the fact that he hardly remembered it. From the reproachful look on her face she did not feel the same way about him.
"You're a mess," she said, sliding down the tree to sit by his side. Last night, he'd had absolutely no issue getting close to her. Now, the fact that their knees were almost touching drove him a little crazy. He wasn't sure whether he should act like last night had happened or not. Since he'd woken up, he'd considered writing to Mulciber and Lucius, two people whose opinions on women he trusted. But he was fearful they'd work out that it was Lily and he'd be exiled from the group. He couldn't risk it, not with the first official Death Eaters meeting drawing near. He still needed to speak to Tom Riddle about his predicament—he wanted Tom to like him, so he was making certain to wait until he felt it was safe to do so. With no one to talk to, he'd walked around the entire afternoon replaying having sex with Lily in his mind. He very much wanted to try it again, because he couldn't remember too much about it. He had even considered drinking more today to strike up the courage to ask Lily if they could again, but the thought of drinking had literally made him sick.
"What are you thinking about?" Lily asked, pulling him out of his mind.
"A lot," he said seriously and shrugged. He sighed and then drew a breath. "Look. About last night. I just… It was…"
"Bizarre," Lily filled in, smiling slightly. Afraid she was mocking him, he looked away.
"Suppose so," he shrugged again. "I don't remember much, is all."
"Oh, that's nice," she remarked sarcastically. "Though I suppose my memory of it is a bit foggy." She paused. "I'm rather sore though, you know. You ought to cut your fingernails."
Severus made a face. "What—oh," he said, and then cringed. "Right. I didn't even think about that. Sorry—"
"It was not at all what I imagined," she said, folding her arms. "And it wasn't just you. I was acting like an idiot."
"You wish you hadn't done it," he said in a low voice.
"Sev," she said softly and to his relief she made the first move and took his hand. "I don't mean that at all. It wasn't pleasant but I like you—of course I like you, you know that. And there's no one else I would have rather done it with."
He raised his eyebrow, his chest bursting with pride. "Really?" he questioned, surprised.
She nodded and smiled as he massaged her fingertips. "You're the best of all the awful dunderheads I know—"
"Shut up," Severus muttered, a thin smile appearing on his face. It was then that she studied him, her face taking on a worried expression. She touched his cheek. "Don't," he said. "I don't want you mentioning it—"
"It almost looks worse," she commented.
"I said don't," Severus said, and recoiled. He released her hand and inhaled his cigarette, breathing out deeply. "I don't want you to talk about it. It's done."
Lily stared hard at him but changed the subject. "I'd like to try it again sometime. Parts of it were quite good."
He figured he'd never stop being surprised at her straight-forwardness though he heavily appreciated it. "When?" he asked. "When does Tuney get home?"
"Not sure," Lily said.
"We could…" he trailed off and looked around then.
"You're mad if you think I'm going to do it on the soggy ground—"
"I suppose you're right." They both laughed uncomfortably. "I'd offer up my house but… you know."
Lily nodded. "Petunia will no doubt be asleep by ten. If you promise to be quiet and not be drunk, I'd consider letting you in again."
"It was fun last night, though, wasn't it?" Severus asked, that panging worry striking up again. What if I can't do it again? he wondered.
"It was fun until the end. You acted sort of rude," she shrugged.
"You'd give me another chance?" he asked.
"Yes, of course," Lily nodded and her voice sounded as urgent as he felt. "Though I'd like it if you could cut your nails, please."
He nodded and put his cigarette out on the grass. "All right," he said quietly. "I'll come by, then." He'd brave anything to see Lily naked again.
At ten o'clock on the dot, Severus knocked on the Evans' door as softly as he could manage while still being able to hear the knock. Lily must have been waiting for him because at once, she slowly opened the door. They stared at each other awkwardly and smiled. Severus raised his hand up. "See?" he said, displaying his newly cut nails, all of them slightly uneven.
Lily grinned, blushing. "I suppose that means I have to let you in."
"Not if you don't want to," he said solemnly.
"Get in here," Lily said playfully and grabbed him by the sleeve. "But keep whispering. Petunia's been asleep since around nine, but I don't want to risk her finding us. Let's go."
Severus hurried after her, walking carefully up the stairs as to not make a sound. Being that he was completely sober, his heart was racing and his palms were sweaty. He wished he was generally put together and confident, but that simply wasn't so. He followed Lily into her bedroom and watched her shut the door behind them, still surprised he was even there. Lily sat at the edge of her bed and kept smiling at him.
"So…" he said slowly, averting his gaze from her expectant face.
"You can sit down, you know," Lily said, sounding slightly irritated.
"A-all right," Severus said, and sat tentatively on the edge of her bed. Lily turned to face him, putting her feet underneath her.
"What's wrong?" she asked. "I hope you aren't still feeling weird about everything last night. You know… If you don't want to do this again, we don't—"
Severus shook his head forcefully. "I really want to. I just don't…" he looked at his hands, embarrassed. "Last night I didn't care about what happened and it made me way better at making decisions and saying what I wanted. But now, I don't know how to even start doing the same things again!" He was surprised at how humiliated he sounded.
Lily said nothing, but leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. Severus' body felt less tense but he wished he had kissed her first. Still, it felt great. He bent over her and ran his hands through her hair. They kissed for several minutes, and then miming Lily, Severus scooted further onto the bed. They continued snogging, lying side by side on Lily's pillows, Severus staring at her as she kissed his mouth with her eyes closed. He felt his heart pounding in his chest and he was already becoming erect. With one hand he cupped the front of his trousers and moaned into her mouth. Lily sat with her hair dangling over her face and lowered her mouth to his neck where she kissed him softly. Severus leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. They continued kissing until Lily reached for her lamp. Severus grabbed her hand and lowered it.
"I'd prefer to keep the lights on," he instructed her. "I want to remember it this time, and I want to see you."
Lily smiled slightly, and kissed him on the lips, pulling gently on his bottom lip with her teeth. Embracing, they fell back onto the bed entangled. Severus' nervousness subsided as his dick hardened and his heartbeat quickened with Lily's every touch. He felt her breasts through her top and she pulled her jumper over her head. He gazed deeply at the dark pink nipples and the pale, soft flesh. Running his fingertips in circles around her nipples, he listened to Lily's breathing grow more hurried.
Severus pulled his own shirt over his head and unzipped his trousers, pulling them off and tossing them aside. His hard penis stuck out in his form-fitting black briefs, and Lily pressed her palm to the bulge. Severus shivered.
They heard the sound of Petunia coughing, and they both paused, frozen in the lamplight. The floorboards creaked, and they heard Petunia going into the loo. Severus stared at Lily, wide-eyed. Lily raised a finger to her lips, wearing the same panicked expression. Only minutes later, they heard Lily's sister's footsteps heading back into her room.
"Holy shit," whispered Severus, and Lily covered his mouth with her hand.
"We have to wait 'til she's back asleep," she said so quietly Severus could barely hear her. They sat there, the wait seeming excruciatingly long for him. Finally, Lily placed her hand back on his groin and rubbed him through his pants.
He sighed pleasurably and moaned, writhing a bit. He trailed his hand down her chest and toward her pajama shorts, feeling the front of her.
"Careful," Lily warned, and unpeeled the shorts from her body. She kicked them off the bed. Severus stared at her, as though for the first time. There were freckles here and there but for the most part she was a smooth, peach color. Her dark red hair hung over her large breasts and her stomach was curved and soft-looking. Down below was a triangle of light red pubic hair and her legs were long and milky white, light blue veins showing in places. He wanted to remember how she looked; he wanted a photograph in his mind. Unable to watch any longer, Severus slid his hand over the front of her privates and ran his fingers lightly over her. She moaned softly, and he repeated the motion, kissing her on the lips as he did so. He slowly pushed his pointer finger inside her vagina and continued kissing her, moving his hand forward and backward. He kissed her neck, rubbing his nose along her cheek. Lily moaned again, and he kissed her neck harder, using his teeth slightly. She breathed harder, and he quickened the motion of his finger, rubbing her thigh with his other hand. He could feel as she began to get wetter and wetter, and he his hand to his cock and stroked it quickly, tugging on the shaft as he fingered her. Moaning, Lily spread out in front of him and he bent over her, adding a second finger and kissing her stomach. His heart pounded as he kissed her closer and closer to her vagina. He had the urge to taste her there, but he wasn't sure how to go about it. His horniness got the better of his uncertainty. He scooted down on the bed, spreading her lips and pressing his face into her. He licked her inner core, and Lily's legs shook slightly. She exhaled quietly, and Severus continued, lapping at the top of her privates just under her pubic hair.
"Yes… Sev… Yes," Lily said softly, and since that was the first she'd said the entire time, he figured he was doing something correctly and continued to lick her there. Unlike what Mulciber had recently told he and Regulus, Lily's twat tasted pleasant. It was like the cold metal taste of a spoon, slightly metallic but with a note of sweetness. Perhaps Lily was simply better than other girls. Severus wouldn't be surprised. He ran his tongue down the length of her privates, tasting her vagina. She was extremely wet. His erection was rock-hard by this point; being down there had turned him on considerably. He stuck his finger back inside and she whimpered.
"Wow," he said, feeling her inside in interest.
"That felt really good," Lily said breathlessly.
"Lily…" Severus said, pulling his finger out and looking at her. "I really want to have sex with you right now."
She giggled a little and he flushed. "I'm not laughing at you," she responded quickly, "it's just that you're so much more formal when you aren't drunk—"
"I do, though… I want to," he said, running a hand down the expanse of his cock. Watching him, she leaned forward and cupped his balls, rolling them around softly in her palm. "Shiiit," he said, biting his lip. "I really want to—"
"I want you to," she said, nodding. "I really do—"
Severus scrambled to position himself on top of her and Lily spread her legs, staring at him wide-eyed. She was so beautiful; she was his best friend and his girlfriend. In this moment, he cared about nothing except being inside her. He winced at how sensitive it felt to prod her hole with his thick member, and Lily breathed in deeply, raising up her legs. Severus held onto his dick and directed it squarely inside of her. Slowly, he stuck it deep inside her and she breathed out.
"How is that?" he muttered.
Lily nodded, looking him in the eye. "Much better," she said. "Different—"
"Good. It feels really good," he said throatily, and pulled back slightly. He drove it inside her again, slowly and meticulously. He grunted, closing his eyes. It felt amazing. Like all of his nerve-endings were going to explode. He watched her as he thrust, adoring the way she stared up at him and the way her breast bounced with his movements. He thrust into her faster, pressing his head against her shoulder. She squeezed him around his back. It was as though they were one. "Lily," he panted. "I really, really like you. So much—"
"Me too," she said breathlessly, "oh, Sev—"
"Lily—you mean a lot to me," he said quickly, moving his member in and out of her shallowly, breathing in at how good it felt to feel himself sliding in and out of her.
She nodded, "You mean a lot to me," she said. "Oh—"
"Yes," he said, "Lily… Yes… Oh… I don't want to come," he said hoarsely, slowing down the movement and stopping momentarily. "Usually I can control it, but it feels really really good—"
"I don't mind," she said gently. "Don't worry about it—"
At her words, he pressed inside her deeply and held the back her head, his face in her hair. He kept thrusting until he felt all of the tension mounting up inside him and he couldn't take it any longer. Quickly, he pulled out of her, breathing fast. He sat up, rubbing the tip of his cock with his hand. "I'm going to," he panted, "I'm going to… right. Now... Oh…" He exhaled and came all over his hand and onto his outstretched leg. "Blimey," he said, sighing and pushing his hair out of his eyes with his other hand. "I came really hard."
"Thanks for sharing," said Lily casually, but she also sat up. "That was much better, Severus. I enjoyed it. That thing you did… Down there to me? I didn't expect it. I think that—" she paused, realizing he wasn't focused on her.
"Just… ah… give me a minute," he said, wiping his hand off with a tissue from the box on her dresser. He stretched out beside her and closed his eyes. "That was so good. I'm really glad we're doing this, Lily."
"Me too," she said, "At first I was sort of worried I wouldn't know what to do… But…"
That was the last Severus heard. He fell into the best sleep he'd had in weeks.
In contrast to the night before, Lily felt more satisfied and much happier with herself and Severus as a couple. They'd had fairly good sex, and she gave him credit for trying a lot harder though what he did with his fingers still left something to be desired. The way he used his mouth on her had felt pleasant and had been interesting, though she hadn't orgasmed the way Mary had described sex was supposed to make you. Severus had certainly seemed to enjoy it though, and had fallen asleep immediately afterward. Lily had covered them both in her blanket and lay beside him, thinking about how much had changed over the years. She decided she'd let him sleep for a bit and then tell him he'd better go home.
Knock. Knock. Knock. "Lily! Lily!" came a shrill voice from the other side of the door.
Groggily, Severus opened his eyes. At first he wasn't sure where he was, but the familiar walls and decorations gave it away. Lily's room. He instantly remembered the good time they'd spent together last night. His body still felt relaxed and pleasant but the voice brought him out of the deep sleep he'd been having. At his side, Lily was curled up, snuggled to his chest. He wished he could lie like this forever and he grumpily yearned for the loud talking to stop.
Knock. Knock. "LILY!" the voice shrieked.
Severus bolted upright, finally realizing who it was. "Oh fuck," he mumbled softly. "Lily. LILY!" he whispered urgently, lightly shaking her awake.
"Hm?" she asked confusedly, rubbing her eyes and looking up at him. "What's going on? What's the noise?" She yawned.
"Lily… it's… it's Petunia," Severus whispered, trying to keep his voice down. "What are we supposed to do?" He threw the blanket off them.
"Lily! Honestly, it's noon again! I told you, it's past time to be ready for Tabby's party! Are you still sleeping? Lily—are you awake?"
Lily sat up instantly, her waving hair standing up. "Ohhh…," she said, wide-eyed. She looked to Severus. "You're still here!" she whispered. "Why? You need to hide! Now!"
"I fell asleep! I didn't know I did!" Severus replied, his eyes just as wide as hers. He looked to the floor for his clothes but he didn't see any of them. This had to be a nightmare.
"Lily, are you talking to me? I can't hear you!" Petunia said.
"Be right there!" Lily cried out sharply, but it was too late.
Her sister flung open the door. "I reminded you twice, and we're going to be… late," she said, and then her eyes became just as wide at theirs. "What on EARTH?" she shrieked. "Lily—Lily, what is he doing here? OH MY GOD!"
Severus, terrified, jumped up to find his clothes, forgetting he was not wearing underpants. His penis was sticking out like a flagpole, and as soon as he noticed it, Petunia did as well. Their eyes met from across the room and Petunia screamed.
"LILY! LILY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"
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