Chloe had no recollection of how she ended up back at her halls – and only started to realise where she was when she felt a cold hand on her shoulder.
"Chloe?"
She looked up, but her eyes were thick with tears and felt heavy in her skull. Her head hurt, and her vision swam.
"What's happened?" the same voice asked. Gentle fingers brushed at the corners of her mouth. Chloe blinked, trying hard to bring the world back into focus. She swallowed hard, but her mouth felt thick and woollen with an ugly acidic taste coating her tongue. The cold fingers wiped at the corners of her mouth again. Chloe's eyes followed the slender hand to an outstretched arm, the shoulder of which was covered in a bundle of tumbling blonde curls, framing a stern face. Aubrey.
"Have you been drinking?" Aubrey asked. Chloe dumbly shook her head.
"Why are you covered in sick then?"
Chloe felt Aubrey press against her as she leant past. The toilet flushed beside Chloe's head, loud and obtrusive.
"Talk to me." Aubrey said firmly, hooking her hands into Chloe's armpits and pulling her to her feet. "Easy," she said, as Chloe swayed. "The bowl's there – don't miss it -"
Chloe felt Aubrey's hands on her shoulders, directing her back towards the toilet as her stomach turned and she doubled over, retching into the bowl. Aubrey's cold fingers looped into her hair, pulling it away from the side of her face and out of the way. Nothing more came from her stomach though, and after a tentative shiver Chloe turned, her fingers fumbling for purchase on the slippery tiled walls as she tried to straighten up. Aubrey's firm grip came back under her arms, hoisting her steadily upright Again. She carefully eased Chloe from the cubicle, one hand on one hip and the other wrapped solidly around her waist. Aubrey made sure Chloe was balanced steadily leaning against the counter before reaching across and filling a glass quickly with water.
"My dad always says to sip it," Aubrey said, pressing it into Chloe's palms. Chloe looked dumbly at the cold glass as Aubrey brushed the sick from her shirt as best she could. The water was cold, Chloe noticed, as she pressed her cracked lips to the curve of the glass and sipped, feeling its cold contents sliding down her throat and into her empty stomach.
"Are you sick?" Aubrey asked. Her voice had a snap to it, Chloe noticed, but she was nevertheless glad she was there.
Chloe shook her head again.
"What's been going on then? I only came to get my toothbrush and find you slumped in that incomprehensible state. Tell me. What happened?"
Aubrey hooked her arm around Chloe's waist again, easing her towards the bathroom door.
"Has someone hurt you?" she said with a slight sigh as she eased Chloe's stumbling form down the corridor towards their dorm room.
Chloe shrugged, her hand steadying herself as she watched Aubrey fumble with her key in the lock. The door swung open and Aubrey indicated with a look and a wave of her hand for Chloe to enter. Instead, Chloe stood still, her legs like lead. Her hand, heavy and stupid, came up to her face and tried to brush the tears away before they came, but it was too late.
Her chest heaved and a whimper burst from her lips. Tears spilled, hot and unforgiving, down her cheeks. Aubrey stared for a second, watching Chloe press her hand to her mouth as if to stifle herself. Her eyes were wide; Aubrey had seen her upset before, but this… this was something else. Aubrey grabbed her shoulders as Chloe whimpered again, scared she was about to fall to the floor, steered her through the doorway and sat her down on the edge of her bed.
"Has somebody died, or – am I just totally unaware of what's gone on-" Aubrey shook her head in frustration. "You're gonna have to help me out here Chloe, I-"
"It's Beca." Chloe mumbled, her mouth thick.
"What?!" Aubrey yelled, and her grip on Chloe's shoulders tightened.
"She's not – I mean – dead – she's not dead though." Chloe added quietly.
"I don't understand."
Chloe sighed and looked away as a fresh stream of tears made their way down her ruddy cheeks. Aubrey watched as she looked up to the ceiling, trying as hard as she could to regain her composure. Chloe's breath was tight in her chest; she knew Aubrey had been right, all along, and she couldn't face looking at her as the realisation dawned. She'd pushed her best friend away and could have been left with nothing – she probably would still be left with nothing; Aubrey hardly looked pleased to have found her.
"I'm sorry," Chloe whispered, her voice tiny. "Bree, I'm so sorry…"
"Enough." Aubrey snapped, and Chloe looked down at her. Aubrey sighed.
"Whatever's happened you have nothing to apologise for."
"You were right though," Chloe sniffed.
Aubrey paused, her hand midway up to reach and brush Chloe's cheek. She clenched her jaw, her hand falling back to her side. For a second Chloe saw her contemplating all of the 'I-told-you-so's' she would unfurl, but instead Aubrey dropped to her knees in front of her, and bowed her head in close.
"It doesn't matter what I said," she said quietly. "It doesn't matter what anybody said. I'm here now, and I want to make sure you're okay." Aubrey reached her hands up to Chloe's face, threading her long fingers through her hair and brushing her damp cheeks with her thumbs. "You'll get through this."
Her voice had a softness to it which Chloe had never before experienced. In all the years she had known Aubrey she had never heard her sound so genuinely concerned. Chloe fiercely blinked back tears as Aubrey's hands moved from her cheeks, crossing over her shoulders and pulling her into a warm, friendly embrace. Chloe's breath caught in her chest and she sobbed into Aubrey's collarbone as Aubrey's lithe fingers pressed a gentle, soothing circle in the gap between her shoulder blades.
"It's okay," Chloe heard her nurse, her voice murmuring into her hair. "It will all be alright."
Aubrey didn't care what Beca had done, she realised angrily as she rubbed Chloe's back soothingly, waiting patiently for her tears to subside. Regardless of whatever it was, she thought, she would make her pay for this. And the fact that Aubrey had been right about her? Right now that was by the by, she would bring it up in due time she decided. Chloe needed someone and she was here and that was enough.
Slowly, Chloe's ragged breathing eased on Aubrey's shoulder and she pulled away, allowing Aubrey to glance down at herself.
"You've got sick on my shirt," Aubrey remarked, and Chloe managed a small smile.
"Sorry," she mumbled.
"I'll let you off this time." Aubrey said, as she pushed herself to her feet. She reached for a clean sweatshirt from Chloe's wardrobe and tossed it onto the bed. Chloe didn't move to undress.
Instead, Aubrey watched as Chloe sat and cried, silently. Her chest didn't heave and nor did her stomach. She didn't whimper or shake, but the tears ran down her face regardless as Chloe stared silently at the wall opposite.
"Come on," Aubrey said, trying to disguise her huff as she knelt back in front of her friend. "You're not this heartbroken."
She reached over to the top button of Chloe's red blouse, pushing the button through the hole with agile fingers.
"Take it off then," Aubrey said sternly, but Chloe didn't move, still staring blankly ahead. Aubrey rolled her eyes before moving to the next button.
Her long fingers worked at each fastening, all the way down, until the red blouse gaped at the front. Aubrey looked up from where her fingers had worked to notice Chloe watching her, her eyes weary, saddened and sunken.
"Take off your shirt," Aubrey said again, this time softer. Chloe reached across to shrug one sleeve from her shoulder, and as she did so felt Aubrey's fingers, cool and delicate, crossed around the back of her hand, guiding the thin fabric from her torso.
Chloe became aware that the aches in her body lessened with Aubrey's familiar touch.
Aubrey, on the other hand, became aware of how much she had missed her best friend. She was ashamed to admit it, and her pride took a painful dent, but however wrongly Beca had behaved – and however right that now proved her to be – she still shouldn't have argued with Chloe. Without her she would feel a lot emptier inside. She would have nobody to confide in, nobody to pester about how imperfect things were, and worst of all, Aubrey realised, nobody to aspire to be like. She admired Chloe's patience, willingness, acceptance of everybody, the way she listened when everybody else talked. She admired the way she put everybody else first, probably even without realising. Aubrey learnt new things about herself every day she was with Chloe. She was a bitch to her sometimes, and Chloe had the ability to give as good as she got – but she was always the one to apologise first. She was weird, they disagreed about the silliest of things, and it frustrated Aubrey no end that Chloe could eat a seemingly endless amount of pizza without gaining so much as half a pound. Despite all of this Chloe had been the one who stuck by her, through everything. All of the ups and downs college had thrown at them, Chloe had always been the one to sneak back to Aubrey's side, giving her hand a quick squeeze when nobody else was looking, and leaving an encouraging word quiet in her ear.
As much as Aubrey strived for perfection Chloe was the odd blip on her otherwise seamless horizon, and although she tried – subconsciously of course – to straighten things out, she didn't truly want her to change.
"What are you thinking about?" Chloe murmured, as Aubrey thread her hands through the armholes of the sweatshirt and pulled it over her head. "You've got a funny look on your face."
Aubrey smiled, then shrugged.
"Nothing important."
She straightened up, folding Chloe's dirty blouse in on itself and tucking it into the laundry basket at the end of her bed. "How are you feeling?" she asked.
Chloe shrugged, then lay back on her bed, tucking her knees in close to herself.
"Better."
MLB"Good." Aubrey said, sitting delicately beside her, then lifting Chloe's legs, sliding beneath them, and resting them down across her lap.
Chloe lay silently for a while, and Aubrey watched over her.
"What do I do now?" She asked softly after a few moments of quiet.
Aubrey pursed her lips.
"I mean," Chloe continued, staring bleakly at Aubrey's empty bed across the dorm, whilst Aubrey watched her closely. "I just left her. In the shop. On her own."
"And?" Aubrey questioned, with a raised and disapproving eyebrow. "She's a big girl; she knows how to hail a cab home."
"No, it just… It feels like I should be doing something about it." Chloe said sadly.
"What? Why?" Aubrey frowned. "Look at yourself Chloe, don't tell me you're going to chase her back after this?"
"No – that's not what I mean, I just…" Chloe's voice trailed off into nothingness, and Aubrey watched on, perplexed.
Chloe just simply didn't know what to do next; she had been on this end of breakups before – unrequited attraction was something she was used to. This time though she felt so sure that Beca had felt the same way, after all the doubting she had toyed with, after everything Beca had admitted (or, Chloe realised, had perhaps pretended to admit) she had just assumed it would all be okay. They would be together. It was Beca being honest – that Beca had been as honest as Chloe was. That was what hurt the most. Losing that trust. Giving yourself to someone and finding that they didn't really want you in the first place. Or, giving yourself openly and honestly to someone and finding out you'd been stupid enough to believe anything they'd said.
"Chloe, if she's hurt you this bad you can't possibly consider taking her back, right?" Aubrey said, her tone sharp and direct.
Chloe sighed.
"I want to believe that she didn't kiss Jesse so bad, Aubrey. I want to go back to this morning. I wish I'd never answered her phone. I wish I'd never been so honest. I wish I'd never touched her; I wish she'd never touched me. I wish it didn't hurt. Bree, it really does you know. I just… I wish I'd never met her."
"You're wrong to blame yourself for this." Aubrey said shortly. It was the kindest thing she was able to say; she previously hadn't thought it possible but it was most definitely plausible that she hated Beca even more now than she had before. Her cheeks flushed in anger as she watched Chloe looking so empty and lifeless.
"It is my fault. I should never have gone chasing her." Chloe said, still staring straight ahead. "You said not to, and I did it anyway."
"Oh for goodness sake Chloe! I told you that because I was jealous!" Aubrey shouted out, exasperated – and then clamped her hand to her mouth, realisation setting in at what she had openly admitted. Her eyes widened.
Chloe turned slowly, then pushed herself up onto her elbows, all the while staring quite dumfounded at Aubrey. Aubrey did not turn to face her; staring instead at the wall opposite, her eyes still wide and her hand firmly over her mouth.
"What – what do you mean, you were jealous?" Chloe asked, pulling her legs from Aubrey's lap and crossing them beneath her butt.
Aubrey looked everywhere but at Chloe, then sighed, then rested her palms in her lap, fidgeting uncomfortably.
"Bree!" Chloe said sternly.
"Fine!" Aubrey snapped. "I thought I was going to lose you to her, is that alright? I was jealous, and I shouldn't have been." She turned to Chloe, and glared, rolling her jaw. "She was never going to be good enough for you."
"Oh my god…" Chloe's head flopped into her hands for a second, before she flung them exasperatedly at Aubrey. "Are you kidding me right now? Aubrey, that's crazy – I-"
Aubrey shook her head.
"Forget I said anything."
"No – I – don't -" Chloe grappled for words. "You don't need to worry that people won't be good enough for me, I want you to know that."
Chloe reached over and took Aubrey's hands into her own palms. "Bree – Aubrey, listen to me-" Aubrey squirmed, eventually turning to face Chloe. "You don't need to be the one to decide for me that someone isn't going to be good enough. I can make that mistake on my own."
Aubrey rolled her eyes.
"And get hurt again?"
Chloe smiled, a half-hearted slither creeping across her lips.
"Probably," she nodded. "But if I don't try I'm never going to learn. Do you know what I mean?"
Aubrey sighed.
"You're trying to tell me you actually want to make mistakes?"
Chloe nodded gently.
"Don't you find it boring have everything go right on the first attempt?"
"Nothing ever goes right for me first time!" Aubrey scoffed, pulling her hands from Chloe's and folding her arms haughtily.
"Stop trying to make it so then!" Chloe said. "Honestly, it's alright for things to go wrong – I promise, as much as it sucks straight away, in the long run you'll learn more about yourself than you would have done if you got everything a-okay on the first attempt, every single time you tried something."
Aubrey's brow furrowed and Chloe laughed. "You know I'm right."
"You're not – I never said – You know, I liked you better when you were sad and dreary, and liked staring at that wall."
Chloe half-smiled again.
"Aubrey, you need to make a mistake. You need to let things go. And then, if it all goes wrong I'll be the one who – who – whatever, who has to hold your hair back when you projectile everywhere -"
"It wouldn't be the first time."
Chloe shrugged at Aubrey's interjection.
"So what? Honestly, you'll be fine without me, wherever I end up, and whoever I end up with in the long run. I'll make more mistakes, and I'll get through them. We'll get through them together. I'm gonna be okay." She added as a solemn, and not-very-confident after thought. "You can come with me to that runway show. We'll wear something atrocious together, and we'll drink too much, and it'll be great."
"I'm not doing that, I'd rather-"
"Bree, you're missing the point! Make this mistake! I'm giving you the chance to do this!"
Aubrey huffed loudly. She was infuriated. She turned back to face Chloe, who was sat with her hands pulled into the sleeves of her sweatshirt and her legs crossed beneath her. Her eyes looked red and sore and her cheeks were dappled with ugly red blotches. Despite all of the sadness Aubrey knew she was feeling, she watched as Chloe cocked her head to one side and tried to put her bravest face on, a smile working across her lips.
"Fine." Aubrey rolled her eyes.
Chloe beamed and leant forwards to where Aubrey perched reservedly on the edge of the bed. Chloe reached her arms out to wrap them around Aubrey's neck, unsure of how to say all the words of thanks she wanted to, hoping instead that a hug would do her justice.
Instead, as she leant across to Aubrey, Aubrey too leant in towards her, ungraciously crashing her lips to Chloe's. Their mouths met with a painful bump, a tooth snagging on Aubrey's lip, and she quickly tasted something hot and bitter flowing onto the inside of her lip.
"Aubrey! Oh my – what the hell?" Chloe gasped, pulling away. Her fingers found her lips where she traced the sticky, bloody residue of her best friends mouth.
"I am so sorry!" Aubrey mumbled. Her hand was round her own mouth, and Chloe could see blood trickling between her fingers. Aubrey stood, stumbling towards the mirror. Chloe followed close behind.
"Are you insane?" Chloe asked, but her thoughts were quickly diverted as Aubrey pulled her hand from her mouth to reveal a very bloody and quickly swelling gash on her bottom lip. "Jesus – are you alright?"
Aubrey's fingers traced the wound and she winced as more blood dripped down her chin. She looked at Chloe's reflection in the mirror, her head bobbing to the side trying to get a better view of the damage.
"I think-" Aubrey stammered "I think you head-butted me."
"Let me take a look," Chloe said, turning Aubrey round to face her. "And also – you just kissed me? I think I'm entitled to head-butt you if I want." Chloe leaned in towards Aubrey's face, pressing a tissue to the cut. "You're gonna need stitches, this goes pretty deep. I must have caught you with my tooth.''
"Are you kiddin' me?" Aubrey tried to pull away from Chloe to inspect the damage again herself, but Chloe's firm grip kept her still.
"No, I am not kidding you. Look how much it's bleeding – we need to take you to the emergency room, come on." Chloe pressed another clean wad of tissues into Aubrey's hand. "What the hell were you thinking?" She muttered as she reached for both of their coats.
Aubrey shrugged.
"I don't know – I - I wanted to see what the fuss was about!"
"What?" Chloe frowned, turning back as she reached for the door handle.
"I've never, I mean, I've wanted to – I just thought-"
Chloe laughed.
"Are you serious? You wanted to see if it was different, kissing a girl?"
Aubrey rolled her eyes, sighed through the bloody wad of tissue pressed to her face and then nodded resolutely.
"And?" Chloe asked, holding the door open for Aubrey.
"I'm thinking it was probably a mistake."