A/N: If you want to know why I wrote that last chapter, and why Peeta had told her what he did when he knew it would hurt her, then read this.

It's going to tell you some very personal things about my love life, so please don't judge me, and if you were to judge me, remember that I have feelings and this particular thing is very hard for me to type. I didn't want to because I wanted to heal, and get over it, but at this moment I was caught back up in the pain of the memory, so I might as well get it out now…

I had a friend, her name was Makenzie. She has been my friend since 2nd grade. We were good friends. One year she went away on spring break in Florida, and when she returned she had a boyfriend whom she'd met there. I was in her room and we were just hanging out, I being twelve and her being eleven and starting to hit puberty. She was on the phone with this boy who she soon found out lived in Dallas, Georgia. (We live in Grand Rapids, Michigan.) She said she had to go downstairs to get something and made me talk to her for a moment, keep him entertained. I told her I didn't want to but she begged me until I gave in. So I talked to this boy, she called him JR, and it was awkward. Then she came back.

I hung out with her more often, like I usually did, and every time I was there we would talk to him. We spoke for a while, and I can't remember if they had broken up or not, but we were all tight. I remember being on the phone with him, asking him who he had a crush on. He said a girl named Emily, and someone else. Who else? He wouldn't say. I finally cracked him and he said "you silly." I laughed and said,

"But we've never met!" Well that never stopped us…

He lost contact with Makenzie, and me. I text him, no reply. In April of 2008 my grama Momo had a birthday party, and I remember me and my friend Hailey escaping upstairs to have some alone time and talk about girl things. We were bored, so we texted random people in our phones. I text him, and he replied. We texted for hours at the party, and later at Hailey's house, we continued to send each other messages. Hailey was asleep; I was next to her, engaged in conversation when I realized this boy was different. I had feelings for him I didn't for anyone else. I felt something, he did something. I told him I loved him that night, and he said he loved me to. I never knew if he meant it, but whether he did at the moment or not, he did fall in love with me, too. I didn't even know what he looked like!

We talked every night for a year…and things got heated…his voice was stained into my brain… I fell in love with this boy so deeply, so passionately, it drove me insane. He says he felt the same. Late at night he would say such poetic beautiful things, heartwarming things…

We realized we were horny for each other, (looking back that was a lot of our relationship, despite that there was passionate love, like Katniss and Peetas relationship), we were starting to recognize that part of ourselves. He said he wanted to know what it felt like, and that he knew a few girls on his street who would be willing to show him. I snapped and yelled,

"No! Don't lose your virginity so young! Just jack off," I say. Virginity has always meant the world to me. His did, mine too. I vowed to lose my virginity on the night of my wedding, and I still keep that promise to myself today.

Anyway, he claimed he didn't know what that was, and so I named it masturbation instead. He was still clueless. He was a twelve year old boy who didn't know. I told him to touch himself and rub; the he'd know when he was done. He did, and when it was over he texted, 'it felt great'. I smiled. Good, he wouldn't lose his virginity. So a few more months, and we started doing it together, texting at the same time, telling each other what we would do if we were with each other. That was the most common message we sent to each other, 'what would you do if you were here?' And that stemmed the beginning to a lot of 'making love', which was basically four forms of sexting. First we would text what was happening. Who was touching who and where, how.

Then we were on the phone, and I heard him in his vulnerable moments. (Where Peetas moans come from, Katniss loves it like I loved it…) By the way, I found out JR stood for Junior, so his name was Sean. (But not really, two years into the relationship I found out his birth name was Barry Sean Conner Jr., but I just called him Sean since that's what he preferred.)

We started talking and texting while doing things with ourselves…but each other…if you understand that…

A year and a half of being in love and making love and devotion, he said he hated me and told me to never talk to him again. He said he fell in love with someone else, Sam. (BTW- we were not dating. We would date other people but at night had each other on our phones. It made all our relationships unfaithful.)

Going back a few weeks… I was at a football game for my school. I asked my friend Ashley if I could use her phone to call him. She still had the number and her friend Sam stumbled across it while messing with Ashley's phone. She called him and started up what he had started with me… I wasn't the same after that. I told him that he was making a mistake and he left anyway.

Well a few months after that, painful process of getting over him almost complete, he called. I knew who it was when I answered but asked anyway. He said who he was and begged for my forgiveness. I gave it up too easily, but still made him feel terrible for what he did. Not enough though, never enough.

Skipping more details, we started again and another year went by. Girls stole his phone, knowing he and I had something. They read his messages and texted me pretending to be him, told me never to speak to him again for no reason. He never realized it until it was too late, never did anything to protect me. Each time it happened I would cry myself to sleep in pitiful sobs. Each time I vowed I'd never speak to him again but failed. Along that second time around, we'd sent pictures of ourselves to each other. So that was the third way, and on our third year we tried Skype.

That happened once using the video, other times we messaged. But we would Skype often, see each other.

Another thing, Sean was…well, to me he was the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen. He had light brown hair that hung over his forehead, crystal blue eyes, and the most adorable gap between his two front teeth. He was a redneck type, with an accent and muscular build. He was huge, abnormally thick for his age. Not at all overweight, but just, built and…big. Tall. (He used to be the chubby kid, but lost this weight and all the girls in his school realized how sexy he was.) His face did something to me…and he said the exact same thing about me. Always telling me how beautiful I was, and amazing. Amazing was his favorite word to describe everything we did. He always told me he wanted to lose his virginity to me on our wedding night, and so did I.

Then he got serious with his girlfriend Kelsey, and I did with Bryce. I was falling in love with Bryce quickly, and soon we'd been together for three months, then five, then seven, then nine…then a year. I wanted things with him that I wanted with Sean. But when I hear Sean's voice, think of him, or see him, it snaps something in my mind that Bryce doesn't. He was just always…the one, no matter how incredible Bryce was. I tried to be faithful with Bryce, because he was different, just somehow the most amazing person I had ever met. But I failed, and it was the hardest thing in the world telling him.

I told Sean I couldn't speak to him anymore. He didn't fight for me, he never has. When I first met him he was sweet, comedic, strong, and innocent. Over the years he developed into this person I barely knew. He kept things from me, and when I said things, he retorted with a response that sounded like I had no idea what I was talking about, like I had no idea who he was. We were the best of friends, I told him everything, but apparently he didn't. He just changed, and that's what hurt the most.

A few months later we started speaking again, and just after we had started to get back into what we had, I exploded. He was him and he was more hesitant when answering questions. After a break in the relationship, we'd always ask the same question. "Are you still a virgin?" the answer was always yes for us. "Good."

I said I couldn't speak to him again after getting in a fight with his girlfriend Kelsey on facebook. And I didn't, I couldn't. I had been hurt so much and I didn't want to cry over him anymore. I blocked him from facebook, I blocked Kelsey too. I blocked him from Skype, and mom wanted to block him from my phone. So I let her.

Time passed, but there was a hole in my heart. The memory of him would forever be there. I had more time to focus on Bryce, devote myself to him. I found a new friend, Orion. And Jameela, we all lived in the same neighborhood, called ourselves the three musketeers. I started to get a little crush on Orion, and when we got closer I decided to tell him about Sean. We were on the back of his truck, it was nearly midnight, and Jameela was wondering around in the street in front of us, singing pointlessly. I started to cry, the memory of Sean singeing the edges of the whole in my heart. Orion pulled me into his arms and I cried into his neck, letting loose. He just kept telling me to let it out, that it was going to get better. He didn't know it doesn't matter if Sean and I don't speak; even the thought of him is the most painful thing in my world. It's agony.

Three weeks ago, I got a call. On the last day of school water had gotten splashed onto my screen, so it was broken. It was white and I couldn't see a thing. But I knew where the contacts button was, and if I typed a name and pushed send it would call. I didn't normally get calls, seeing as I wouldn't notice. I was getting ready to go to Orion's, but mom said I had to eat first. So I was shoving spaghetti into my face when my phone buzzed. I picked it up and said hello, mouth full.

"Hi," the voice said.

"Who's this?" I asked, letting my dog Stella out.

"Um…well…," he sounded tired, sad.

"Yeah?"

"I'll just let you go then." That sparked something, and I knew it was someone I knew, because that was familiar. He said it whenever he was pouting. I just couldn't remember who.

"No seriously I broke my phone I can't see the screen who is this?"

He paused. "It's Sean." I froze. I thought my mom blocked him. I thought it was finally over.

"What the hell do you want from me?" I snapped.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he replied softly.

I just have to say that it took countless hours of crying myself to sleep and pain for me to finally stand up to him, and when I finally did I sent him a message on facebook before blocking him. It said how much I hated him, I hated him because he hated me and he had no reason to. I was there for everything and always supported him and helped him and loved him and he never repaid me. It was harsh, and brutal, and it dragged another few hours of body rocking tears out of me. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

We got to talking, and I knew this time would be different. We'd never have what we had again. It just hurt too much. He wasn't him, not at all. He was hollow; he didn't feel anything for me. But he cared, it's why he called. To make sure I was still alive, still safe, and healthy. He said he'd tried to call me every night before bed, and I never picked up. I didn't know I was getting calls.

I asked him the big question, and he gave me an honest answer. No, he wasn't a virgin anymore. My still mending heart cracked in half and bleeds still at this moment. Me being the idiot I was, told him I was over it and asked if he at least enjoyed himself. Said it was the best 45 seconds of his life, and she was simply the most amazing girl he'd ever met in his existence. It didn't last long because she had been crying so hard, (he was very blessed in the genital department, trust me…) and they stopped. I later found out they'd experimented sexually in other ways too, handjobs and what not. Every word killed a part of me, but I tried to stay strong. He was just so descriptive, and eventually I broke down crying. He said that what made him snap and make him want to lose his virginity to her was my message. I had made him want to lose his virginity at fifteen years old. That was how I was certain I was never going to see Sean again. The boy who wanted to marry me and have four children, our first conceived on a beach under the moon on our wedding night, was gone.

I knew it wasn't going to happen, but it hurt me more than anything ever has. I broke down in tears, telling him I couldn't do it, couldn't talk to him. He said ok. He still refused to fight. I wasn't worth it. He said I was always on the back of his mind, he'd never completely forget about me, and while I appreciate it, I was now alone in my feelings. We text to this day, occasionally, sharing any bits of extremely important information. I deleted his number, but I know it still. I can't forget it no matter how hard I try.

Just a few days ago Bryce and I decided to take a break. My feelings for Orion are growing. But Bryce is different, still. He is perfect. He is who I need in my life, who I want to marry. He'll never be Sean, but I know for sure he won't get lost in his own mind, lose the will to live and just keep going because life is okay enough. He has something.

~~~I made Peeta tell Katniss about his experience as a sex slave because I wanted to hurt her like Sean hurt me. I could've been harsher, but I spared her. She deserved better than that.