Cursed

by lossehelin

For a thousand years the village has known of the beast living in the old palace. A beast said to live on human blood. One father knows the truth, and is now bound by word to return a favor he has ignored for thirteen years.

37. Deceit

Thanks for all the reviews. The picture isn't the one I was working on, but it's taking me so long that I figured this one would do temporarily. (Or permanently, if I get lazy…lol.)

Disclaimer: I know I suck… don't be mad.

Chapter 37: Deceit

"What?" A ringing, monotonous and deafening, sung in her ears and Kaoru felt dazedly numb. Disbelief made it hard for her to understand, and all she could do was blink and watch as the sorceress before her sighed, her eyes closing.

"You must leave, Kaoru-chan. Leave this place, leave these people… leave your lover. You must do this or the curse will remain for all time."

The shrill ringing began to pulsate, a low, thundering throb that echoed each painful beat of her heart. This was not what she had expected. "But… why? Why would you… why make him care for me so much just to make me leave him?" Her heartbeat was accelerating, harshening until it felt like a hammer pounding against her ribs. The resulting tremor worked its way down into the pit of her stomach and up into her throat. "Why put us in such a situation that would force us to care for each other more than before?"

"I…" Tomoe's voice faltered, a small ripple of feeling to express her own misery at the requirement. Swallowing determinedly, she told herself she had no right to act hurt. Today she must destroy this young girl's life. It was the unfortunate, necessary price that needed paid to atone for past sins. "I told you once before, young one. I have had many years to think on this. My curse is much too extensive and specific. In order to break it, I have planned out this scenario… ever since the first moment you stepped foot into my shrine as a child of four years."

"You…?" Kaoru was finding it hard to breathe, her blue eyes wide and hurt as her mind put all the pieces together. "You lured me into the shrine that day. You…" A gasp trembled through her lips. "You called me up the mountain to this place."

"Yes. I needed you two to meet. I needed for him to care about someone. A child is much more trusting than an adult. It was the only way he would open his heart. I did not plan on you shortening the time…" Deep black eyes swiveled over to the pitiful, lone petal on her nearly lifeless tree. "but no matter. Everything has come to the end I needed. All that is left is for you to break the heart you have nursed."

The painful truth curled Kaoru's features in agony, but even as tears fought her quivering muscles, anger tightened her fists. "You used me to hurt him for your revenge!"

"…Yes."

"And you expect me to just go along with it?"

"Dear girl… it is the only way to free everyone from the curse. Did you not say it is unfair to them? Did you not say you would do anything to free them? To free Lord Himura? If you falter now… you will condemn them to an even greater suffering."

"What do you mean?" Bitter and unconvinced, Kaoru directed her glaring eyes upon the woman in front of her. Something like hatred stirred within her.

"If you decide to stay with the man you love then everyone here will continue to dwell in their current forms… for all time. They will not age, sicken, or die. This also includes your precious love. Lord Himura will stay with you, because he loves you… but you, you will age, you will sicken, and eventually Kaoru-chan… you will die, and in death you will leave him. He will once again be alone, only this time the solitude will be maddening. This time he will have dreams of those moments when he had everything he could ever desire. This time he will despair in the absence of every sensation you imprint upon him. He will destroy himself from within, driving himself mad with a longing that can never be fulfilled again. Not for any short time, but for eternity. No matter how much he defies his imprisonment, he will be locked in his small world of grief that only death can free him from."

Tomoe closed her eyes to shield herself from the horror on Kaoru's face. "Death will never come looking for him because of you… not unless he takes his own life. Which I have no doubt that he will. If you stay and give him the next sixty years of yourself, it will be too long of a time for him to become used to the taste of love. He will no longer know how to live without it. If you leave now, however… his heart will be broken, but he still remembers what it is like to be alone. He will survive to take care of his people. Everyone will be free to move on."

"He will destroy himself from within." Tomoe-dono… is this what you have done in the absence of love? Is this how you feel now? Sapphire eyes heavily studied the expression on the sorceress and she understood why it felt as if she could fall into her eyes. There was nothing there, only a void. I… I can't do that to Kenshin. I can't stand the thought of him living forever in such a state… nor can I handle him taking his own life because of me. I love him so much… I don't ever want to cause him pain, but… either way I will be tearing his heart to shreds.

"Is…" Sniffing and gasping, she wiped at her nose. "After the curse is broken… am I allowed to come back?"

The question seemed to settle heavily upon Tomoe's shoulders, and the small shake of her head before she even began to speak tore Kaoru's eyes away as the woman destroyed her last piece of hope. "No. I'm afraid… there might be some kind of repercussion if you return. In order to break the curse he must experience the heartbreak of losing someone he loves more than his own life. If you were to come back after the curse is broken and mend his heart, there is the chance of a throw-back. The curse has begun to include you in its web. You are the counterweight that will even its influence on this place and people. If you were to come back after it has been properly regulated, you would be potentially stepping off the balance and returning it to its previous agitation. It might even return dangerously. A rebounded curse is perilous, there's no telling what it would do. I'm afraid if you decide to leave… you must leave for good."

"I see." Deep sapphire irises stared at the remaining petal, imagining it falling, bursting upon the ground in a tragic spray of faded pink glass. What would happen to the tree and Tomoe, she wondered. Would they just vanish, a painless transition into the afterlife, or would her death be agonizing in retaliation for the awful curse she had cast on good people? Would it depend on whether the curse was broken or not? In the end, Kaoru knew she would never find out… because she would not be around to witness it.

"You've known from the very start what I will decide, haven't you?"

Tomoe sighed, her dark eyes avoiding the face of the beautiful girl before her. "Yes, Kaoru-chan."

"Even if I was capable of letting Kenshin endure this curse just for the sake of love, I could never drag everyone else into such a situation. At least, that is what my mind is telling me is the right decision." One hand curled into the material of her kimono, clenching the fabric tight over her chest. "My heart, however, is thinking only of Kenshin. When I leave…" A small, trembling gasp interrupted her speech, but she swallowed it down quickly and continued in a steady voice. "I will leave for him and no one else." Eyes finally dragging themselves back to the sorceress, Kaoru's look was torn and troubled. "Isn't that horribly selfish?"

"No." Smiling sadly, Tomoe touched her face again. "You are the most compassionate child I have ever met. There is nothing selfish about your feelings."

"Thank you." Silence held sway over their conversation for a moment or two, and a thought twisted Kaoru's lips, pulling them harshly downward. "Tomoe-dono… I'm going to have to lie to Kenshin… aren't I?"

"Yes."

"I don't think I'm capable of that."

"It is not going to be easy, I know. You are an honest girl, and your feelings are always visible on your face. I have… planned for this." Kaoru frowned. "It would have been better if we had more time, but unfortunately we do not. You must do this quickly."

"How quickly?" Panic seized her heart, and the extent of what she would have to do slammed into her chest. She didn't want to leave too soon. Just a little bit more time with Kenshin… was that so much to ask for?

"By tomorrow night." Tomoe watched as blue eyes closed in anguish.

"I don't know… if I can."

"I will help you. As I said, I have been planning for this. You will still need to perform as well as you can, but I am well aware that you are a poor liar. Are you ready to hear what must be done?"

Feeling overwhelmed and defeated, Kaoru nodded. "…I am ready."

X

The shoji to the dining hall was standing expectantly open when Kaoru arrived for dinner, a telling sign that Kenshin was waiting for her patiently. Trying to catch her breath, trying to banish all of Tomoe's helpful words from her mind, Kaoru chanted only what must be done now. For tonight she was to act mostly normal. Tonight she must pretend like she was fine and only slightly troubled. Still loving, still natural, but distant enough to make him notice. It was a delicate game she was playing, and Kaoru was not delicate. How will I ever survive this?

Stepping through the doorway presented her with the image of him seated at the table, one hand playing idly with his teacup. An unfocused expression left his features vacant, his thoughts clearly elsewhere, and she wondered if he thought about her. Will he ever think of me kindly again after this? The wayward thought threatened to bring tears to her eyes, and she blinked them back furiously.

In the next second his attention found her, a smile blooming happily on his face, and the reaction only added to her misery. How wretched a person I am, to let him love me so blindly when I am even now plotting to run away. Pretending as if she were bothered was not going to be a problem. It was keeping it in check that would prove to be challenging.

Trying to smile back, she stood there and stared a moment too long, wanting to memorize how he looked before she tore his heart out. The smile on his face faltered and he stood to close the distance. "Kaoru-dono, are you alright?" Eyes flying wide, she nodded quickly and struggled to find her words. "Of course… I… I was just… admiring the view." I am too honest. I guess that's not something anyone realizes until they are forced to lie. The smile came back and he looked just a bit bashful at the compliment. "Well I cannot see you at all with the sun behind you like that. Come sit down so that I may admire you as well." An arm wrapped around her shoulders and led her to the table, a soft kiss planting itself against her temple. The contact made her tremble, her resolve wavering.

The look on his face was almost encouraging as he resumed his own seat, and it produced mixed feelings within her. She needed to stand steadily upon the path she had chosen no matter what was to happen between them. What she did was for his sake, because she loved him above all others. On the other hand, how could she possibly destroy everything he had worked so hard to gain? Perhaps she was being arrogant in assuming that she could affect him so greatly, but what if her departure did cast him back into the solitude he had lived in before? What if he once again cared for nothing and hated everything?

As she was lost to her thoughts, Kenshin spoke while he ate. Occasionally she gave a vague reply, but she never really heard what was said. Later she would curse herself for not paying more attention, for not soaking in every second with him that she could, but the realization would come too late. By then it would be night, and she would be lying in her bed, staring at her ceiling and calling herself a fool as sleep avoided her.

"Kaoru-dono, are you sure you are alright?"

Kaoru jerked, her breath sucking into her lungs shakily, and she directed wide, vulnerable eyes at the man seated at the head of the table. The master of the palace, the cursed lord, the king of her heart… and tomorrow night she was going to leave him forever. Kaoru was far from alright.

A frown lined his brow and he stood to kneel next to her. "You look so pale. Are you not feeling well?" Gently his hand caressed her cheek and she leaned into the touch. "You must make him doubt. Do not give too much away tonight, but throughout this entire endeavor you must not allow him to feel comfortable with your reply. Convenient excuses will be counterproductive."

"I… I'm afraid I have no appetite tonight." If I am no good at lying, then I shall let the truth help me. "I'm just… so exhausted, Kenshin." His frown deepened as she leaned into him, her head resting on his shoulder, and he automatically held her there while he studied her face.

"Perhaps you should go to bed early tonight and rest, but you should try to eat something at least. You haven't even touched your food."

Shaking her head against him, she turned her nose into his kimono and let his scent surround her. "I don't think I could stomach anything." And I don't want to go to bed. Just… hold me for a little while longer.

"You were fine this afternoon." Speculative, he ran his hand soothingly up and down her back. "What happened this evening to make you feel this way?"

How am I to beat this man? He is much too insightful and attentive. Scared that he might discover too much, Kaoru unwittingly looked up at him from her position near his chest. Their gaze met and his frown darkened. "Did someone upset you?" Sapphire eyes widened further, and one of his clawed hands curved around her face again, the touch firmer in his anger. "Who was it? What was said? I promise it will not go unpunished."

Idiot! This is not working! You have to do something quick! "It's nobody's fault, Kenshin. I've just… had a lot on my mind."

"You do not need to feel obligated in protecting anyone, Kaoru-dono. If they have upset you, I will not allow them to get away with it. I want you to be happy here. I want you to be happy with me."

I am happy with you, and it is not obligation that forces me to protect, it is love. "Nobody has upset me Kenshin. I promise." So far, it was the biggest lie she had ever told, but she knew that would not be true by the end of the next day. A cold shiver passed up her spine.

"Then tell me what is on your mind. Sharing your troubles is much better than keeping them to yourself. This much at least I have learned from you. Please, Kaoru-dono, I wish to share your burdens as well."

I love this man so much. Still staring up at him, the look in her eyes must have changed because it didn't take long for the frown on his face to melt away. It was a direct contrast to the moment she had entered the dining hall, and it struck home how easily she could affect his moods. Breaking his heart would take no effort at all.

Shaken by the knowledge, Kaoru shifted eagerly to meet him halfway, letting herself drown in his kiss. There was no sense of soaring high this time, no sense of flying. Their love was no longer free and wild like the wind. In her heart she was being drawn downwards into the darkness of the ocean, and soon she would be too far under to ever have a chance of surfacing to the open sky again. As with any creature about to drown, desperation took hold, thrashing about in the back of her mind for the life just above the water's plane. He was life, he was oxygen, and she wanted to hold onto him so badly.

When he jerked away from her she was trembling again, and she came back to herself with a catch of breath. Disoriented, still floating a sea, she found herself plagued by emotions she was barely acquainted with. Emotions that were dangerous and tricky. Her desperation was heightening their drive, and fear of her actions finally forced her eyes wide open in shock. He was staring back, his own breathing heavy, and she saw a reflection of those same emotions in his eyes. Eyes such a beautiful amethyst now darkened by heated desire.

"Kaoru-dono…"

No! I screwed up! That should have never happened! Terror brought forth anguish, and the combination of everything that had been pressed upon her that day overwhelmed her reason. Tears built up in her eyes but would not fall, and she bit her lip so hard she feared drawing blood. Anxiety was quick to take the place of his longing and he pushed distance between them so he could cup her face in his hands. "I'm sorry, Kaoru-dono. Please forgive me. Don't be upset, I didn't mean to frighten you."

But it's my fault! It's my fault! Knowing she could not argue without giving too much away, Kaoru closed her eyes and let him continue apologizing. A part of herself that now thought about Tomoe's plan even considered the benefits of this new apprehension within him. Her newly born conniving nature turned her stomach sickeningly.

"I… I really am tired, Kenshin." Stepping around his apologizes without giving any answer, Kaoru found an escape from the situation. She didn't want to squander the remaining moments she had with him, but because she could not enjoy them the way she wanted his presence was merely torturous.

"Of course, Kaoru-dono. Let me walk you to your rooms." She nodded, accepting his helping hand up, and then let him curl his fingers around her own as he escorted her through the palace.

"I expect you to eat your breakfast in the morning." There was no command in the statement, only worry, and she clamped down on her trembling lip as she nodded again. "Skipping meals is not good for you, and I wish for you to stay healthy." Stopping in front of her door, she turned to face him, his hand once again touching her cheek. "I don't want to lose you, Kaoru-dono." Please stop. Closing her eyes, she nodded silently again. "Alright." There was a slight smile in his voice, his touch playing briefly with her bangs. "You never did tell me what was bothering you."

Truly exhausted, her tired body registered panic again and she thought she might crash or break down. Shaking her head, she encircled his hand with both of her own and dislodged his touch. "Can we talk about it tomorrow? I… would like to think about it by myself before sharing, if that's alright with you."

"Of course. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere." Though his answer was reassuring, Kaoru could tell her response bothered him. It was in the furrow of his brow and the slightly suspicious light in his eyes. He didn't completely trust her… but then he was right not to. The situation became worse when he leaned forward to leave her with their customary kiss goodnight and she shied from the contact. Afraid that her desperation might rear its head again and once more lead them into forbidden territory, she did only what she could to stop it, she denied him. A twitch of pain contorted his face before the mask she associated with his audiences slammed down, blocking off the show of vulnerable emotion. It seemed Tomoe had been right. Kenshin was not fully healed. He still remembered his solitude.

It hurt seeing this reaction and knowing she was the cause. Before she could stop herself her hand was detaining him, her fingers a soft touch along his jaw. He froze, his eyes closing as she leaned forward to plant a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth. The mask on his face broke, his body relaxing, and even as she berated herself for being so weak, she reasoned that she was meant to act mostly normal tonight. It would be okay to end their evening as they usually did. In fact, it would be much too strange to end it any other way.

"Goodnight, Kenshin."

Though, this was not completely normal.

Confusion showed that he noticed and was unsure, but he responded in kind. "Goodnight, Kaoru-dono."

The frown was back on his face as he left, and Kaoru hid inside before she did something stupid. Leaning back against the door, she felt abruptly incomplete without the usual words they traded. It would be a feeling she would have to get used to, because it was something that would never happen again. Starting tomorrow, she would have to get serious. Starting tomorrow, she would have to be stronger.

"You must remember this at all times, Kaoru-chan, for it is very important. From now on, you must never say that you love him."

"Goodnight, Kenshin. I love you." From now on, she would just have to imagine his reply back.

X

The next morning was strangely uneventful. Before breakfast she went to Kenshin's pavilion, as usual, and helped him with his hair and clothes. The difference was felt in the uncomfortable silence as she coaxed his hair up into a high ponytail and tied the knots of the wing slits in his kimono. They barely spoke, only enough to say good-morning and a few other pleasantries that she thought sounded cold. Unable to sleep the night before, Kaoru found little energy to break the mood, or add to it either.

It saddened her at how easily they could become estranged, and she missed already the days before when they were so very much in love and showing it. There was no attempted kiss like the other mornings, but he did hold her hand on the way to breakfast, and she had to consciously keep herself from clinging to the contact. At the table their silence continued and it dampened her appetite further, but she forced herself to eat enough to appease the unsatisfied glare he aimed at the back of her neck. That she was pleased even just a little that he was still looking out for her only deepened her depression.

In the back of her mind she keep going over everything she had been told to do. So far, since they had yet to speak, the only thing she had been able to accomplish successfully was the absence of eye contact. This, Tomoe had assured her, was another important detail she needed to remember. It wasn't as hard as Kaoru had figured it would be, and she actually found herself empathizing with Kenshin's own moments of hiding. Without being able to see the emotions and reactions his eyes gave away, and vice-versa, Kaoru was strangely comforted by the avoidance.

After breakfast he was called immediately away and Kaoru was left feeling empty and alone, but relieved as well that the confrontation had been postponed. Isolating herself from everyone, another requirement Tomoe had given her, Kaoru found solace by the pond until lunch. It was starting to hurt less and feel more surreal by then, that her time left at the palace was limited to hours. If her abused emotions kept on in this direction, perhaps she would be blessedly numb by the time she left.

It was as lunch ended that everything started in the downhill direction of her leaving, and as he said the words she had been expecting, she realized she had been hoping he never would. "Are you ready to tell me what is bothering you now, Kaoru-dono?" His voice was so stern she was unable to help her slip, and she glanced at him, their eyes connecting and giving her a clear idea of how bothered he himself was. Ducking her chin quickly to break the link, she fought her trembling, every fiber of her being disagreeing with her decision. It has to be done. There's no other way. Please. You have to be strong. Strong enough for both of you. If you love him, you will do this right.

The words Tomoe fed to her the day before echoed clearly in her mind. "You have been so indecisive lately, Kenshin." Out of the corner of her eye she watched him stiffen. "I've been thinking about why. About how you cannot accept my love to be real."

"But Kaoru-do…"

Holding up a hand, Kaoru lifted her chin but did not look in his direction. "After thinking on it for a long time, I realized that this is because… I myself am unsure. I cannot convince you, because I cannot fully convince myself."

"What… are you talking about?"

There was such heartbreaking confusion in his voice that she felt it reverberate in her chest, threatening her resolve. She didn't want to say these cruel things! She didn't want to rip his heart out! But you can't back out now. This is for him. For everyone. You must be cruel because you love him. "W-when I first came here, I was only planning on being nice to you because you had threatened my father. I had no other choice." Her voice wavered at first, then gained strength as the tale she was spinning progressed. When she spoke of him threatening her father, though, her composure broke for a moment at his reaction. Kenshin gasped for breath in such a startling way she couldn't help her second glance at him, frightened by his wide eyes and blatant fear of her confession. Tomoe was telling the truth. The realization brought forth hatred towards the sorceress, but Kaoru understood now why it was a necessity. This would have never worked otherwise. Scrambling for a moment to remember what was to be said next, Kaoru looked in the completely opposite direction to keep herself from noticing his pain.

"It struck me, just recently, that… perhaps that is all I have been doing. Perhaps I am… merely afraid that you will no longer allow my father to live or visit if I do not continue with this relationship."

"Perhaps? Kaoru-dono… you know I would never hurt your father. I would never hurt anyone in your family."

"But I didn't know that at first, and… after awhile… I guess I started to think that… I really liked living here." Briefly she glanced at him again, but he seemed more encouraged than hurt. She hadn't said it correctly. Becoming impatient, she pulled in a shaky breath, wanting this to be over with. "Look. I don't know, okay. I can't figure out if I'm still just playing along or not. And there's other things, too, but…"

"What other things?"

Panicking, Kaoru shook her head. This was going too far too fast. It was too much. If she said everything now, then her leaving would be all the quicker, and she couldn't leave until night.

"Tell me." He was next to her now, his hand forcing her to look at him, and the expression on his face was desperate and irrational. It was hard to feel indifferent with that look bearing down on her.

"Y-your past."

"But… I thought we had already been through that." The desperation won, and he look on the verge of devastation.

"I told you I don't know." Closing her eyes to block him out, she tried to stay focused, but it was getting harder. "What if I forgot who I really was pretending to be who you wanted? What if… the real me can't stand you?"

It was quiet for a long moment, but Kaoru was too afraid to open her eyes. "Please stop saying these things, Kaoru-dono. I know the real you, and that is the person I love." A gentle kiss pressed against her forehead, and she nearly whimpered in pain. The thoughtful, reasonable, and attentive master was back. Things were not going well for the plan. "I don't know what has brought on these sudden misgivings, but I promise to do everything I can to make them go away." Two tears fought their way through her clenched eyelids, giving her away as they slipped down her cheeks. Carefully he brushed them away, as he always did. In her heart she was so painfully happy to be loved by this amazing man. Even while she was trying to destroy him. "Even if you really can't stand me, I promise to try and be better. To be someone you want. Just tell me what you need me to do."

He would change himself for me if I asked. Astonished and feeling so ashamed of the words she was speaking, she shook her head, fighting her tears. "I… I need some more time to think about it."

"Very well. Take all the time you need. I will always be here for you." Unlike the night before, his words were openly honest this time, perfectly clear and truthful. How was she ever going to convince him that she didn't love him? "I have duties to attend to this afternoon, Kaoru-dono. If you are up to it tonight… we will continue this conversation then. Is that agreeable?"

Swallowing, she nodded and shivered as if cold when he released her. Because it was cold; empty and barren like a snow covered field without him next to her. She didn't know if she truly wanted to leave anymore. What if… what if she didn't tell anyone? What if she kept the knowledge to herself that she knew how to break the curse? If she stayed, no one would ever know. No one would ever blame her for their curse, because they would be ignorant to the details. Not even Kenshin would know. She could stay and love and be loved until death and no one would ever be the wiser. Then she wouldn't have to play this façade. Then she could give up on trying to break his heart and live with him as she wished.

Cursing herself for feeling so weak, Kaoru dropped her head in her hands and fought her breathing. Don't be so stupid! The thoughts you just entertained were shameful! You can't just think of yourself. What you do is for everyone. What you do is for Kenshin. Stay firm. Even if he ends up hating you… as long as it breaks the curse you should be happy.

The back shoji slid open and Kaoru stood quickly to retreat to her rooms. She needed to be alone, even despite Tomoe's request for isolation. Kaoru's acting wasn't good enough to fool Kenshin, and she needed to think of what to say to him that night in order to convince him of her contempt.

I know now for certain, though, that what Tomoe said to me was true. Their conversation the day before had brought a new truth into the light that had surprised Kaoru. Kenshin's dreams, the nightmares he had been experiencing over the last month, all of them were given to him by Tomoe. "I had to make sure he was still unsure, and the easiest way to do that is to prey on his insecurities. On what he fears most. Those dreams were just for that purpose, and now we are going to use them against him further."

Kaoru hated the thought that she was now trying to convince him that everything he dreamed about was true when she had spent the last month trying to reassure him otherwise. It seemed it was necessary, though, and she was amazed that Tomoe had thought so far ahead. Although, she was apparently a master planner, considering she had lured a four-year old into this position just for this very purpose thirteen years later.

There were certain things in said dreams that Kaoru was supposed to say to him now, and though she had spoken two of them, one of them incorrectly, he had not reacted as upset as expected. After dinner, she needed to make sure she said the others with as much conviction as possible. Otherwise she would never get it right and the curse would forever remain.

X

The second confrontation came swiftly after a silent supper, and Kaoru was feeling decidedly sick by this time. It made her complacent, and her voice monotonous, a direct contrast to the gentle voice of the master. So kind… so loving… and Kaoru almost wished he was ill-tempered instead. She could get angry so much easier when he was angry. Ready or not, it was time to break him.

Steeling herself, she resolved to start. That would be the best way. If she appeared hesitant, then it would leave her argument open for attack. "I don't belong here, Kenshin." The half-pause was deafening. "I don't belong with you." Her next breath was interrupted by the sharp clang and rattle of his chopsticks hitting the table. Blessedly, that numbness she had prayed for kept her from jumping, and she was even able to look at him without reacting to the horror on his face. I'm doing this for him. For him and no one else. Love has made me strong. Remembering Tomoe's recitation of the dream, and having practiced it over and over again inside her head with some minor additions, she transitioned smoothly into the next phrase, ignoring his pain.

"I've thought about it, and I know now that I never really loved you. I just felt sorry for you." His eyes were impossibly wide, his breathing shallow, but as she stared she imagined herself seeing someone else. Someone she could hate. Enishi's face popped into her mind. The only person she had ever truly spoken hateful things to. "I was nice to you at first, because of my father's situation, but… after that," With practiced indifference, she shrugged, and a small noise, like a whimper of pain escaped his throat. "Your situation was just too sad, and I was okay with pretending to make you happy anyway since it was to my own benefit. After I found out about your past, though… it was hard to pretend. I tried, because Father said I should, but I don't think I'm ever going to be able to forgive you. What you did… it goes against everything I believe in."

"Kaoru-dono, please… I've been doing what you said. I'm learning from what I did, I'm trying to make myself better. Because of you, I don't ever plan on taking another life, no matter what. I swear, I haven't since we met…" In his desperation, words he could not say were true slipped from his mouth and he stopped, his face crumbling. "I'm sorry, that was a lie."

Momentarily shocked out of her focused daze, Kaoru blinked at him. "What?"

"Takeda… those hyena that attacked you…" Swallowing with difficulty, Kenshin confessed shakily. "I had them all killed."

"But you told me you didn't."

"I lied. But I did not understand. I do now, and I've given it a lot of thought."

"You lied to me?" Kaoru stood, genuinely incredulous, her voice rising as she looked down at him. Following her lead, he stood and confronted her, holding her still to try and make her see.

"Kaoru-dono, please just listen. I lied to appease you, but since then I have come to appreciate your discipline, and I find it a much more appealing one than my own. I'm not the same child I was back then, and I am even less so now that I have met you. I never want to take another life, and it's no longer because I wish to please you, but because it is something I genuinely desire. So please… you cannot hold my past against me. Not anymore. Please."

The happiness Kaoru experienced knowing he felt the way he did nearly undid her. To think this man was willing to follow the teachings of her discipline in favor of the one he had been raised on, simply by being around her and never even practicing it, was amazing. All this only made her love him all the more, and she was able to forgive him the lie almost instantly. He has grown so much since I first met him.

"And of course you belong here. There is nowhere else in this world you belong more." Pulling her closer, taking unwitting advantage of her lapse in resolve, he hugged her tight to his chest. "Right here, ne?"

When he was fighting for something, fighting with all his might, he would not be swayed, and she realized her mistake in bringing up the past. He had already made peace with the past, and so had no more insecurities about it. With his own resolve renewed and strengthened, he would not give her up so easily. If only she had strayed from such a topic, he might even now be falling for her ruse.

Firming her own determination, she clenched her jaw and shoved against him to place distance once more between them. He was shocked, briefly hurt, but she was on a mission. One that only she could accomplish, and she was not about to fail. "No, Kenshin, it's not. I told you… I don't love you. I don't belong here."

"Yes, you do." Her head shook resolutely, and he looked a way, collecting himself. "Then what do I need to do? You said you would think on it. Tell me now, I would do anything, whatever you want. How can I change? How can I convince you to stay?"

"You can't." It was getting harder and harder to not see Kenshin's frantic anguish, and her voice came out in barely a whisper.

"Yes I can." Firm and snappy enough to make her jump, his fingers tightened on her arms, pinching her skin. He was fraught enough to mean it, and Kaoru knew exactly what to say. Just like the last time they had carried on a conversation about his insecurities. Though this time… it was going to kill her.

"C-can you… change the way you look?" Barely able to cover the hitch in her voice, she watched his argument fall apart. Swallowing and trying to step back, she had every intention of retreat, thinking her job done, when he came back with one last futile hope.

"If you can't love me… then stay as a friend. That's agreeable, ne? You'll never be treated any differently, I'll never expect anything more. As long as you stay. Just stay, that's all I ask." Kaoru's mouth opened, her head already shaking, but he jerked her into a hug before she could answer, his arms painfully tight. "Just think about it. Don't answer right away. I'll give you whatever you want. You can even keep my mother's kimono, and if I don't have what you want, then I'll find it for you. I don't care what it takes."

Please stop, Kenshin. This is awful enough. Unable to do anything else, she nodded in agreement. "Okay… I'll think about it."

"Good." A hand patted her back, then lifted to stroke the back of her head. "Good." The gesture felt so unnatural, a bit vague, and when he pulled away, his smile didn't feel real. He was in denial… trying to protect his heart. "I'll see you in the morning then, my lady. I hope you sleep well." He turned and walked out, the strange smile still on his face, and she wondered briefly if he was truly planning on going to bed this early.

Her knees almost gave way after he was gone and she stumbled, pressing her fingers into her temples to relieve the dizziness. I've done it. I've convinced him of my lie. Now all that's left to do is leave. Steadying herself, she exited the dining hall, taking dragging steps back to her rooms so as not to run into him by accident. I understand now why it is needed. Just making him think I do not love him isn't enough. He would be completely content for awhile with just my presence. If I leave, he will have no other choice but to face the reality.

Almost to her rooms and a quick detour was required to throw up all of her dinner. Even after her stomach was empty the convulsions would not let up. Exhausted and weak, Kaoru tried to clean herself up as best she could before returning to her rooms; an acrid taste leftover in her mouth. Having dismissed Misao for the day, her rooms were quiet and empty, a prelude to the solitude she herself would have to live with for the rest of her life. Trembling only briefly, she forced herself to pack her few belongings and then lay down to rest. A few hours after nightfall, she would leave by the light of the moon.

X

The palace was deathly still when she stepped out onto the veranda, not a soul stirring in the night, and Kaoru knew why. It was another precaution Tomoe had set up. No one on this side of the palace would be awake until morning. This included Kenshin.

Stomach in knots, Kaoru slipped her way into his rooms, down the outer hall, and to the shoji that was firmly shut between them. Hands shaking, she slid it open, her eyes already well adjusted to the dark. It wasn't hard to tell where he was, his even breathing and the irregular shape of his shadow placing him against the far wall where he slept. Only a few clumsy steps in placed her directly before his slumped figure, and she knelt with more care on the floor, too aware of the warning Tomoe had given.

"He will sleep until morning without waking, but you must not touch him. If you do, it will break the suggestion, for that is all this is. It is not a true spell. I have not the strength left for one of those."

Seated before him now she knew her time was brief. If she was to get home before first light, then she needed to leave soon. Staring through the darkness, cursing the shadows for covering his beloved features, she took a moment to memorize his outline. Unable to touch him, unable to see him, she was robbed of any chance at quelling the ache in her heart. It would remain until her own death, but at least, with the curse broken, they might be able to meet in the afterlife. Unless he is to find another… It hurt, but she knew it was not impossible. He was a good man, and he deserved to be happy. That had been her wish after all. It didn't matter how it came true… though a small part of her still wished for it to be with her.

Remembering her true purpose, Kaoru reached for the clasp of her necklace. This was the last strike she would deal to his heart. When he woke in the morning, he would find the necklace waiting for him, and she gone. As it slipped into her hand she felt suddenly naked, and as she laid it on the table beside him a new feeling washed over her. It was like lazily drifting in the still ocean waters with nothing but blue above and below. A sense of apathy made her limbs feel incredibly heavy, and she had to shake her head several times to fight back a wave of darkness. Blinking away the daze, she stared at the glowing pink petal, her breath coming slightly easier as it sharpened her focus. Why did she feel so tired all of a sudden?

Telling herself it was from the emotional stress of the day and the little sleep she had gotten the night before, she forced her attention back to the lord. With the glow from the necklace his features were abruptly easier to discern. Pleased, she let her eyes take in everything they could, her lips smiling slightly in sorrowful joy. This would be the last time she saw him, but hopefully after this, it would be the last time anyone saw him in such a form. Soon he would be the young man in the painting again. Soon he would be normal and happy once more.

The hair on his head was still pulled up high into the ponytail she had put it in that morning, he was still wearing the kimono she had tied him into as well. It seemed he either had no intention of sleeping that night, or he had not wanted to disturb her with such minor details. Who could blame him though? With everything she had said, he probably did not want to give her any excuses not to stay. Saddened by the thought, hurt that she could not do this one last thing for him, she clenched her eyes shut on the tears. He was going to live out the remainder of his life believing that she did not love him. That she had never loved him. After all the time she had put into making him believe that she loved him so unconditionally, she was more than a little hurt that it had taken less than twenty-four hours to convince him otherwise.

It was more painful now than before, not being able to touch, to reassure. She couldn't leave letting him think such a thing. If it was possible, she wished that he would remember, if not consciously, then subconsciously.

Leaning as close as she dared, Kaoru barely raised her voice to a whisper, leaving him with the words that were screaming in her heart. "I love you, Kenshin. Please, please remember that I did and will always love you."

Struggling to stand, struggling to walk, she was grateful for the suggestion Tomoe had cast, for she made far too much noise stumbling down into the hall. Casting one last look over her shoulder, she said a silent farewell and closed the shoji between them forever.

X

A/N: Sigh… so here it is. I don't have much to do in explaining, since this is more than straightforward. It was such a depressing chapter to write. Almost brought me to tears several times as I imagined the emotion I wanted to put behind it. I hope I have brought that desired emotion to you as well. Please be kind, and please review. Oh, and tell someone you love them. They might need to hear it.

Next chapter… Kaoru gets walked home, and Kenshin wakes to an empty heart.