I hope all of you will continue reading my story all the way to the end, no matter what happens. Thank you very much for coming with me this far.
Disclaimer: I don't own RK and anything related to it. Please forgive my willfulness.
Chapter 38: Denial
The creak of the gate closing was loud in the unnatural silence of the night. Like the final gong sounding the end of her act, the noise resounded inside of her; its meaning much too final. Letting out a painful breath, Kaoru closed her eyes for a brief moment, but did not allow herself to think about everything now shut away behind her. After all the heartache she had endured and forced Kenshin to endure, she was not about to waste that effort now by being too weak to go through with what was required of her.
Resolutely stepping forward into the dark woods, Kaoru set her path for home. Briefly the strength of her resolve wavered, the denial in her heart swift and strong. The place where she had grown up, the house she had lived in with her father, was not her home. Not anymore. It would always hold a soft place in her heart for many, many reasons, but it was no longer the place her heart yearned for. Home was now where Kenshin was, and she could never go back to him again.
Feeling drained and beyond tired, numb, she weaved a weary path among the trees, her steps ever dragging her forward down the path. She was thankful for the sloping trail. If she were required to go uphill, she was well aware she would never make it. Still, she knew she would have to watch her steps. One slip had the possibility of claiming her life, or limb.
As the trees swallowed her, she kept her eyes aimed at her feet, straining with what vision she had to watch for stray debris. The moonlight was strong, but she was under the cover of tens of thousands of leaves. A stream of moonlight at odd intervals was all the light she was afforded from her celestial company. Keeping her mind occupied with the monotony of searching, stepping, and staying upright, she had no time to think of what she was leaving behind. This also left no room for temptation; to look over her shoulder or sit down and wait for morning. For in the mornings the patrols would be back around that side of the palace and she would be found out.
A dozen more trees down the mountain and Kaoru tripped, slamming her palms into the harsh bark of a large tree trunk she couldn't identify. Cursing, because anger was better than tears and the tears wouldn't come anyway, Kaoru leaned her shoulder into the same tree and hissed at the small scrapes in her skin. What a pain… but pain was a good distraction.
"I knew you were reckless, but I did not realize you were stupid as well." Jerking, Kaoru looked up, searching blindly for the owner of the voice. Exhaustion falling away under tense, agitated adrenaline, Kaoru's mind ran wild with scenarios for the voice she could not place. One such idea… perhaps it was her subconscious come to rip her to shreds for all the horrible deeds she had just committed. "Traveling in the middle of the night is something only fools do. Especially if they can't see where they're going."
"Who's there?" Putting the trunk to her back, Kaoru whipped her head around, but she was barely able to penetrate the darkness with her sight.
"Who are you expecting?" Sarcasm dripped from every inch of the statement, and Kaoru frowned as a large, dark wolf came into view. At first relief relaxed her shoulders, but even though his identity was better than most, he was still not someone she had hoped to be meeting.
"Saitou-san?" Tense once more, she edged herself around the tree, backing away slowly. "What are you doing here?"
"The real question I think, my lady, is… what are you doing here?"
"I… I was just…"
"Running away?" Kaoru's face crumpled, and Saitou shrugged, his head tilting to the side nonchalantly, ignoring her reaction. "I suppose what the lady does is none of my business. My concern only includes safety and protection. If you are walking back to your father's home, then I shall escort you there."
"I…" Kaoru glanced through the trees then back at the wolf. She wanted to say no, but it would be safer if he came. "I would greatly appreciate that."
"Don't thank me." Snorting, he fell into step beside her. "I said it was my job, didn't I? Besides… the lord would have my head if I let you go off alone."
The mention of the palace lord made her heart spasm in grief, and she absently nodded as she looked away. "I would… not wish for you to get into any trouble, Saitou-san."
They walked for a long time in silence; Kaoru's drained personage poor company whereas Saitou's was always surrounded by an air of tension. Many times they were required to stop and rest; many times Kaoru tripped and lost her footing in the dark. After a dozen or so of such occasions, Saitou had finally insisted she thread one hand into the fur at the back of his neck for guidance. Their pace was slow in consequence, but steady enough for them to be near the base of the mountain by the time the sky began to lighten.
Able to see well enough to walk on her own, Kaoru loosened her grip on his fur and absently smoothed the ruffled area back down. Feeling strangely nostalgic, she frowned at the dark coat, and then smiled wistfully at a passing memory. "You carried me on your back once when I was little, didn't you, Saitou-san?" Through the thick layer of fur she felt him stiffen, his head jerking ever so slightly to dart a sideways look. Letting her touch slip away, she adjusted her small pack and returned to staring at her feet. "You must have only done so because Kenshin asked you to, ne?" There was a long stretch of silence. "I'm sorry… it must have been humiliating for you." Perhaps that was why he was so ill-tempered when I came back.
Saitou kept pace with her, the tension thick as they walked. It was several minutes before he spoke, and his tone confused her by being almost apologetic. "I suppose it cannot be helped that you were too young to remember correctly."
Glancing quickly at him in surprise, Kaoru's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
Saitou's head shifted a bare inch lower, the only show of his hesitance. "The young lord never asked me to do any such thing. In fact, he knows nothing of it at all. I carried you because I was asked to by another and only because I was told it would be beneficial to the palace residents to bring you up the mountain."
A touch of horror contorted her features, her heartbeat quickening. "You brought me up the mountain?" But that means… "You know about Tomoe-dono?"
Saitou gave her a look that clearly questioned her intelligence. "While everyone else may have been content with letting that stripling lord keep the knowledge of our transformation a secret, I was not. Anything that concerns my family concerns me and I was not about to do nothing in the face of their torment."
The fierce loyalty he felt towards his family briefly tugged at her dying heartstrings, and she smiled. "Yes. You do not seem the type to wait for another to solve everything. Thank you." Smile faltering, she swallowed and directed her gaze straight ahead. "I am happy you told me this, Saitou-san. Now I can reassure you that your efforts have paid off. By bringing me to the palace thirteen years ago, and taking me home now, you have been a great instrument in breaking the curse placed upon you and your family."
Abruptly the large wolf dead-stopped, and when she turned his look was far from happy with the knowledge. "You will explain, my lady, just what you mean by that statement."
Confused by his sudden aggravation, Kaoru questioned him carefully. "Have you not spoken with Tomoe-dono about the curse? You brought me up the mountain at her request, so surely you must have some idea of what is going on."
"Yes, woman, I know of the curse." Impatient, Saitou stepped closer, his dark yellow eyes piercing. "What has not been explained to me is how you leaving will end its reign. I was asked only to find a child that would feel no fear of our appearance, one that would eventually gain the love of the young lord. Why are you now required to leave?"
Kaoru paused, a frown puckering her forehead. "If you were not told, Saitou-san, then perhaps I should not explain."
"If I was used by the witch then I will know to what end!" A low grow vibrated his throat, his annoyance darkening to anger in a flash, and Kaoru felt suddenly threatened and vulnerable. Kenshin's anger was just as fierce, but Kenshin would never hurt her, she was not so sure of the wolf. A dull twinge jerked her gut at the thought of the palace lord, and she closed her eyes, the pain of their separation much more potent than her fear of the wolf.
"You were all placed under a curse that was cast for the sake of revenge, Saitou-san. If it is to be broken, its original intent must first be fulfilled." A slight quiver settled into her words, giving away her grief. "On this very day I have done what was needed. When Kenshin wakes up… he will discover that I have left him. This should… be enough to set everyone free." Steadying her breath, her stomach rolling, she bit her lip, but there were no tears to fight. Kaoru's eyes were so dry it hurt.
"So you had to break his heart."
"Yes."
The wolf growled again, though it was less threatening and more irritated. "Idiotic woman! You have thought none of this through, have you?"
Indignant, Kaoru's temper sparked, her emotional and physical exhaustion testing her limits. "Of course I have!"
"Then think on this, little girl, do you truly believe any of us will be happy with this decision?" Pinning her with a glare, he looked even more menacing than usual. "If my family's happiness is only achieved through the sacrifice of my master's happiness, through the sacrifice of a woman's happiness that has nothing to do with our cursed palace, then that happiness will forever be bitter and tainted."
"I don't under…"
"We are here, my lady. I will take my leave." Nodding his head shortly, Saitou pivoted back and began his ascent of the mountain without delay. "I hope you are able to live with your choice of abandonment for the rest of your life."
Though his words had confused and wounded her, Kaoru's resolve would not be swayed. She was here and she was not turning back now. Whatever unhappiness that was felt by her departure would undoubtedly be forgotten over time. They would all rejoice in their human forms, and she would feel grateful for her chance to help so many wonderful people. Forgive me, Saitou-san, but I think one day you will thank me. Bowing her head after the retreating wolf, she called a grateful farewell. "I will never forget any of you, or your kindness!" Silence answered her, and when she lifted her head, he was already gone.
Through the last few trees Kaoru could see the small house she had lived most of her life in. It was just as she remembered, and she was briefly warmed by the sight. It was no longer her home, but it still produced enough comfort for her abused heart to bring her relief of some fashion. Trudging silently through the half-lit yard, she climbed the steps and ghosted her way down the familiar walkway to her small bedroom. Inside was untouched, just as she had left it, and she smiled sadly at its shabbier appearance in comparison to her rooms at the palace. It did not matter, however, she did not deserve anything as beautiful or fancy anymore. Kaoru was now a wandering soul, a vagabond with no home, the less she had the better.
Patting open her dusty futon, she slipped into her threadbare yukata, dropping the training clothes she had been wearing on the floor carelessly. Settled heavily in the middle of her bedding, she stared numbly at her small pack, still stuffed with her meager possessions. One small prize had been tucked carefully away within that pack. One small object she had allowed herself to take from the palace; an item that did not truly belong to her. She had been unable to part with it, and had reasoned it a fair exchange for the necklace she had been forced to give up. Allowing herself only a moment of thought, she reached into the open bag and dug the precious article out.
It was too warm to wear much to bed, but that did not deter Kaoru from slipping the large haori over her yukata and wrapping it around her body tightly. It held no lingering scent of anything but jasmine, no leftover warmth to heat her chilled heart, but the fabric was heavy around her shoulders and arms, resting against her like his tight embrace. Kenshin had given this haori to her, and after careful questioning she had learned that it was an article of clothing that had always belonged to him and not his father at some point. In fact, he had seemed a bit offended with the notion of her wearing anything that had belonged to his father. Perhaps simple male possessiveness had birthed this thought. She was his and no other man's clothing would ever cover her body.
A small, sad smile tugged at her lips, and she lay down on the thin cushion of her bed. Wrapped securely in his clothes, she fell blessedly into unconsciousness within moments of closing her eyes.
Just outside of the Kamiya Dojo, hidden within the trees, the two guards left there by Enishi were arguing amongst themselves. One of them needed to run and inform the boss. The little girl he had been searching for had returned home. Runner decided the smaller of the two took off at a sprint up the mountain towards their main camp. From there a hawk would be sent to their leader, and he would be more than pleased with the news.
X
Kenshin fought against the dream plaguing his mind, struggling to free himself from sleep to wake to the real world where the fear and pain would slowly disappear. A world where Kaoru would wrap her arms around him and whisper words of love and comfort to ease his suffering heart. "I don't belong here." A low moan of grief forced its way through his lips. "I don't belong with you."
Stop it. You don't mean that.
"… I never really loved you. I just felt sorry for you." Body twitching restlessly, his eyes clenched shut harder, his brow furrowing deeply. No. I don't believe you. As the nightmare began to blur, her words overlapped, bombarding him from all sides, filling his ears with words he tried to block out.
"…you threatened my father."
"I only pretended to make you happy."
"I'll never forgive you."
"You lied to me!"
Stop.
"I told you…"
"You can't."
"I had no other choice."
Please stop!
"What if… I can't stand you?"
Stop lying! I won't believe it!
"Please… please remember…"
It was a rough transition into wakefulness, his muscles uncoiling hard enough to throw him onto his hands and knees. Wings spreading wide, he knocked over the small table sitting next to him, throwing it and its contents onto the floor. Breathing hard, eyes wide, he felt unnaturally cold despite the warmth of his room. Trembling, his first thought jumped for Kaoru, needing reassurance in the face of his most recent, and most disturbing, nightmare. The words she always spoke, the gentle gestures she used to communicate her love; it would take so little…
The day before crashed down on him and the nightmare he had only just freed himself from plunged him into grief. Kaoru would no longer show him those feelings, because Kaoru…
No. I don't know what is going on, but it can't be true. None of it is true. Anger took swift possession of his mind, tossing aside his doubt and fear. I will not allow this to continue. Standing tensely, he marched to the door. I will make her tell me. I will make her understand.
Emotionally raw and sensitive, unable to handle the bombardment of so many unknown reactions and feelings, he slammed open his door and stalked his way down the hall. Swift and decisive he crossed the small section of veranda to Kaoru's pavilion, his actions just as short upon opening her door. A small squeak announced the presence of Kaoru's personal maid, the weasel, his entrance frightening the woman into cowering against the far wall of the outer hallway.
"M-my lord…"
Ignoring her, he seized the inner shoji and threw it open, uncaring of his abruptness, uncaring of how his lady would react. Because she was his lady, and he would tolerate her indecisiveness no longer. How dare she act so fickle with her feelings now. How dare she confuse him. After everything she had done, after all that she had said, all the love she had convinced him of. What right did she have to change her mind now? He would not allow it.
With one foot already solid on the raised flooring of her rooms he stopped, his wide violet eyes searching the empty interior blindly. The futon was folded neatly, the lamp was dark and cold, and the only hint that she had ever been there was the lingering scent of jasmine in the air. The woman was already up and about. Fine. I will meet her at breakfast.
"The lady's already up?" Misao's voice was shocked where he was irritated. "I can't believe I missed her. She never gets up this early unless she is with you, milord."
"Well she is not!" The obvious observation shot from his mouth like an angry spit from a cat. Turning on his heel, he stomped back out, his destination now the dining hall. The sooner he relieved himself of these irritations the sooner his heart would stop its painful compressions in his chest. The sooner this misunderstanding was cleared up, the sooner he could rest his head in her lap and forget it had ever happened.
Muttering impatiently under his breath, his wings flexing and twitching in annoyance, he walked the veranda in long, ground-eating strides. Arriving at the dining hall with a much winded Misao trailing along behind him, he slammed open its shoji hard enough to jar it from the track. One of the young kitchen aides was within, wiping off the table in preparation, but there was still no sign of Kaoru. Reacting much like the weasel had, the small snow monkey yelped and ducked partially behind the strong wood of the tabletop. When the master did nothing more than stand there and glare, she was obliged to question him softly.
"I-is there something wrong, my lord?"
"My lady. Have you seen her?"
"The lady?" Confused and slow to understand, she crouched down further when a low growl accompanied the glare. "No, my lord. I have not seen the young lady since yesterday."
Glancing over his shoulder without giving a reply, he demanded the weasel's attention. "You. Check the bathhouse. I will check elsewhere."
"Yes, milord."
He doubted she would be bathing this early in the morning, but there was a small blossom of desperation fighting for dominance within him. He killed it quickly, his need to find her and end their estrangement fierce enough to overrule all other logic. He did not care where she was or what she was doing; he would feel no sympathy nor show any mercy. By whatever means necessary he would bring her back to his side and bind her there; he would rule out nothing in his search.
The training hall was empty, as were the gardens, the gazebo, the open pond pavilions, he even made a quick flight to the Saitou residence to see if she had visited the children there. All were barren of her presence. By midmorning he had woken the entire palace and organized a search party, his unwillingness to feel desperation molding it into a different, darker feeling that paralleled the urgency it brought but left no room for fear, only hard anger. In fact, he was beginning to think that she had better be in some type of trouble or he would punish her severely for disappearing without telling anyone to where.
There was only one place left for him to look within the palace before he began looking outside, and as everyone searched, their calls echoing through the air over and over again, Kenshin made his way to the shrine. His patience was at its limit, and a quick look was all he was going to offer the interior before taking flight and heading for the cherry grove they had once spent an afternoon in together. Jerking the door open, he popped his head inside without fully entering and searched the empty walkway around the almost dead tree. Briefly his eyes were drawn to the lone petal, limp and nearly lifeless, flickering with feeble life. His time was almost gone.
When was the last time he had given the curse a second thought? He had grumbled about his appearance, hoping Kaoru could love him despite it, but no real thought had crossed his mind as to how much time he had left before the curse remained forever. It seemed it was much shorter than he had expected. The sudden knowledge made his stomach lurch. He still wasn't even sure how to go about breaking it, and here it was almost too late. It is too late. I have condemned everyone in my negligence… and now I am on the verge of losing Kaoru as well.
Kaoru… she had once spoken of asking about the curse. What had ever happened with that, he wondered. Did she ever ask? If so, why had she not told him? Perhaps, she never really cared enough to ask.
Feeling sick with the twisted emotion still churning within him, his mind returned to his current situation. If it was too late for the curse, then he would not lose her, too. He could not afford to. Just as he could not afford to let his own plight distract him from finding her.
"Leaving so soon, Lord Himura? You did not even properly greet me." Appearing without warning, the sorceress did not face him proudly like usual, but sat with her back to him on the edge of the veranda. "You have never been rude. Please do not start now."
"I have no time for propriety. You will have to forgive me, though I care not either way." Straightening himself, he slid the shoji half-shut between them. "I was only looking for my lady."
"Can you not find her?" There was a sad note in her voice, but as Kenshin frowned in suspicion, she turned her placid expression in his direction and contradicted the emotion. "Perhaps she left you, Lord Himura." Kenshin swallowed, the action difficult as this woman spoke so easily what he had been denying for several hours. Shrugging her shoulders she returned her attention to the dying cherry tree, her voice cool and calm. "It would come as no surprise if she did. It was quite apparent to me how she felt about you. Ah… if you find that she has indeed left, Lord Himura, would you be so kind as to return the petal to me? The one the young girl wore as a necklace. I must have that petal back soon, and I am sure she would have left it, if she were indeed gone."
The tangle of grief, fear, and desperation battling in his heart surged to the surface, only to be beaten down by the fury he felt towards this sorceress. She spoke as if she knew everything. The old woman knew nothing. "Kaoru-dono would not have left me! So do not speak as if you know her! You will get nothing from either of us, witch! Nothing at all!" The door crashed shut and the lord took two steps off the porch and was in the air. He was running from her words, running from her truth, but a part of him fought stubbornly against it. A part of him would never believe it.
By noon there was still no sign of her, but another presence that had been missing and unnoticed did suddenly appear at the gate. A very harassed Sano delivered the vagrant man to the master who looked as if he were ready to fall apart at a moment's notice. Composure a brittle thread of safety between him and his subjects, Kenshin confronted the wolf with barely contained vehemence. "What have you been doing? Your assistance is needed here."
Dark yellow eyes scanning the chaos surrounding them, Saitou sniffed. "Forgive me, my lord, I am not aware of what is happening, but I had an important task to take care of."
"My lady has gone missing, Saitou. There is nothing more important than she."
"Indeed. Which is why I insisted on escorting her back to her father's house when I found her bumbling through the woods alone very early this morning."
"You escorted her… back to her father?" Everything around him seemed to still, and it took him a moment to realize it was only because a deafening roar had filled his ears and he had stopped trying to breathe. Kaoru was back with her father…
Looking rather ill-tempered himself, Saitou shrugged with a grunt. "It was where the lady wished to go. If I had left her alone, she would have more than likely tripped and killed herself in the dark. Now, at least, I may be free of her with a clear conscience."
An unwilling witness to this curt conversation, Sano stared at the wolf then at his master. The latter was now completely on the verge of falling into something Sano did not wish to see. Unspeaking, unmoving, unseeing, his still violet eyes were so unfocused he looked like a man already dead. After several hours of constant tension and denial, it seemed he was unable to fight anymore. Not in a battle he was unused to. Rounding on the wolf, the large dog did what his master apparently could not.
"You just let her go? Why didn't you stop her?"
"The lady's mind was clearly made up. Who am I to try and stop her?" Curling up his lip at the dog, Saitou growled. "I did only what was required by my position. I kept her safe until she was no longer a concern of this palace."
"A concern? How dare you speak of the lady in such a way! She belongs here with our master! She would not just leave with no reason! Did you think to question her? Perhaps there was a misunderstanding!"
Growl turning to a loud snarl, Saitou's own anger snapped and he chomped his teeth at the dog, making him jerk back. "Stop your delusions, you stupid mutt! That little girl doesn't care about any one of us! She made that perfectly clear to me! She is a heartless, selfish, and stupid brat that didn't give one thought to the feelings of those she has left behind! Not you, not me, and certainly not our master!" Huffing decisively out his nose, the wolf ducked his head sharply at the still frozen form of the palace lord and walked away, his teeth snapping one last time at a random servant running past. "Stop your foolish searching! The lady does not wish to be found!"
Shocked by the uncharacteristic outburst, Sano stared a moment after the hunched form of the wolf before shaking his head. "That stupid wolf doesn't know what he's talking about. The lady wouldn't just leave." Looking up at his master, his features turned determined. "At least we know where she is now. You should go quickly and bring her back."
Red lashes lowered over amethyst eyes and the lord looked suddenly very tired, and very defeated. When his eyes opened again, disgust was the most prominent emotion. "Call off the search, Sanosuke. Send everyone back to their duties. You as well." A step forward placed the dog at his back.
"And you? You're going, right?"
The master's back tensed. "Perhaps she left you…"
"I am going to my rooms where I am not to be disturbed."
"You're giving up! Just like that!" Incredulous, Sano dogged the master's steps, his voice indignant. "What the hell have we been doing these last eight hours? If you didn't care about the little lady than why did you put on such a huge show?"
"Stop speaking as if you know anything, Sanosuke! You heard the wolf! It is she who does not care!" She lied. All of it was a lie. Eyes closing, every hurting emotion his rage and denial had kept in check ran rampant through his heart. And everything she said to me yesterday was the truth. She does not love me. No one could ever love me!
"You're going to take his word for it?" Stopping, Sano watched as the master slapped his way through the tsumado leading into his pavilion. Angered, the dog barked loudly after him. "If she were my woman I would demand the truth from her myself!"
Fists clenching, Kenshin ignored the outburst, too overwhelmed to listen to what was being said. Kaoru was gone; she had left, without saying a word. He didn't need to ask her to know the truth. If she had cared about him, she would have done none of these things. He loved her so much and she…
Frozen within the doorway to his inner room, trying to even his breathing, he stared blankly at the floor, the small table still lying sad and overturned by the wall. It was shaded within the pavilion, a stark contrast to the bright light of midday outside. Eyes adjusting slowly to the dark, he squinted as something vivid and pink shot a reflection of light into his pupil. Turning to the source, the breath he had only just caught seized in his throat, his jaw shaking and muscles trembling. Scrambling ungracefully into the room, he unearthed the necklace from its hiding spot under the table, a small drawer handle the only thing keeping the solid wooden weight from crushing its delicate glass. Holding the brilliantly glowing trinket up to his face, his nightmare came back again, swift, fierce, and unrelenting. Any moment he expected its magic to work. Any moment his appearance would change and he would be free of the curse. Any moment… because she was gone… because Kaoru had left… and he would trade one curse for another…
Nothing happened, and frustration and disappointment joined his heartbreak. Crying out in anger, he kicked at the small table for hiding the precious necklace, the light piece of furniture flying across the room to burst through thin rice paper and ricochet off the outer wall. The rest of the delicate decorations followed suit, their beautiful majesty breaking, tearing, or cracking under the wrath of his tantrum.
"…would you be so kind as to return the petal to me? …I am sure she would have left it, if she were indeed gone."
Finally left with nothing else but the necklace in his hand, he eyed the torturous object with hatred. It too had betrayed him. It too would be punished. Arm rearing back to fling the offending bauble away, his heart gave a wrenching spasm of regret a moment too late. The small glass petal so carefully wrapped in wire left the palm of his hand and he watched it glow brightly as if crying out for help. Wanting, wishing he could take it back, he cried out too, his reaction much too slow to save it from its fate now. Already grieving its loss, he closed his eyes so he would not have to watch the precious gift he had made for the woman he loved shatter.
A second later and the silver chain caught and snagged on his fingers. Momentum abruptly halted, the light weight of the petal swayed back to slap against his hand and then swing a lazy rhythm until stilling in midair. Red lashes parting slowly, he stared at the unharmed necklace, its beautiful form wrapped lovingly around his hand as if unwilling to let him go.
"I love this necklace you made me, Kenshin. Otherwise… I would not wear it all the time, ne?"
Emotions raw, will crushed, the passing memory brought a new feeling he had not experienced in so long he nearly did not recognize it. It burned his eyes, his throat constricted, and instinctively his lashes clenched shut to fight the outcome. Dropping to his knees on the floor, he pressed the fist holding the glowing petal to his forehead, his body doubling over in aching, never-ending pain. "Don't do this to me. Please. Please."
X
Hateful light penetrated the darkness hiding Kaoru from her reality, dragging her up from unconsciousness and into the spiteful world that held no mercy for love or little girls that dreamed of owning such a fanciful thing. Blinking open her eyes heavily, she stared at the ceiling of her room, blankly at first then with dawning recognition as she realized that this place was not her home. This was her father's house, a place far from Kenshin, his arms, and his love. Emptiness filled the void of his absence, and Kaoru found no reason to change it. Emptiness would keep her strong enough to do what had to be done.
Sitting up, standing, undressing, her actions were wooden, automatic like those of a puppet. Donning once more the dirty training clothes she had worn down the mountain, she carefully folded and stuffed her yukata into the small pack. The thick haori she held to her chest briefly pulled from her dazed stupor by its warmth. A part of her knew that it was only a heat stolen from her own body, but in her mind she imagined it to be his. A moment later and her shoulders sagged. Imagining only brought about a longing for the real man, because he would not be soft like the clothing. His arms would be firm against her back, his chest solid as she leaned into his embrace, his shoulders square as she rested her own arms around his neck. To imagine, to remember, hurt too much. It would be something she would have to avoid, or a weakness might overtake her and send her back to where she could never return.
Stowing away the large overcoat, she steadied herself, the numbness flooding back as she remembered the events of yesterday and that morning. Standing there an abrupt understanding made her blink. She had accomplished all that was required of her. What was she to do now? Her entire life was unnecessary. I… I will let Father decide. Yes, I no longer care what happens, but I must not let Father know what I have done or what I have decided. I will be his successor now. That should make him happy.
Exiting her room, a quick glance at the sky showed it to be a little after midday. They would have already eaten lunch. Kaoru was not particularly hungry, but after the stressful day she had endured yesterday, and missing breakfast this morning, she knew her body would need fed soon. It was only natural that no one had noticed her arrival, since she had not announced it, and so they would not have thought to wake her up or save her anything either. Heading for the training hall, the most likely spot for her father and the new boys to be, she walked in a daze toward the open door, the summer heat sapping her already weakened body.
Pausing in confusion, she heard the clack and rattle of wood slapping together, their heated shouts announcing their exertions. They were working hard, training themselves to be strong, confidant, and honorable. I will do this too. The work will keep me occupied. A step in front of the door and the noise stopped, all eyes turning to her in question. When she was not greeted, she frowned, and then stepped forward into the shadow of the dojo, the sunlight behind her easing up enough to reveal her identity.
"Aijou?" The sharp clatter of the practice sword in his hands hit the floor and her father was jogging towards her, his arms enfolding her in a tight embrace. Feeling like a weak little girl in her father's arms, she trembled for only a second, wanting so much to be comforted.
"Father." Her voice was choked, and she cursed her weakness. She did not want to share what she had done. Not with anyone.
"What are you doing here, aijou? Did something happen?" Glancing over his shoulder, as if just remembering his other students, Koshijirou wondered if he shouldn't take Kaoru elsewhere and make her explain. After all, they thought she was married and living happily with her husband. For her to show up here now, like this…
"Am I not allowed to be here, Father?" Laughing, though it was not a normal sound, she smiled up at him. The smile on her face was not normal either. "Nothing happened. I just… have come back. Do you not want me to be here?"
Frowning down at her, Koshijirou studied the dull blue of her irises, his head shaking slowly. "Of course I want you to be here, Kaoru. You are always welcome in this house." Brushing dirty bangs off of her forehead, his frown deepened in worry. "Are you sure there is nothing wrong?" Lowering his voice, he made sure the three curious boys could not hear. "Did the lord do something to you?"
Laughing again, louder this time, she waved a hand in the air. "Don't be silly, Father. I just realized that my place is here." Looking over his shoulder, she smiled at their audience, three pairs of black eyes staring at their reunion. "Why don't you introduce me to your new disciples, Father? I would really like to meet them."
Koshijirou was not completely convinced, but his daughter did seem to be fine. Deciding to let it slide for now, his eyes searched the tree line intently before he turned to introduce her to the boys. It frightened him that she had walked back down the mountain without a clear understanding of the situation here. Luck only had kept her from running into the prowling dogs keeping a close watch on him. If she had fallen into their hands she would already be within Enishi's dirty grasp.
The boys were all delighted, if not a little confused, to meet her. Ren the most so. His black eyes shone with blatant infatuation as he stared at the beauty Kaoru had become. It was true what he had told her on his last visit. Every day she was beginning to look more and more like her mother. It was both painful and a source of pride.
"I am most pleased to meet you three. Thank you so much for taking care of my father while I have been away." She bowed low, and all three of the boys looked at each other. It was easy to guess why, but Koshijirou knew it was only natural. After spending so much time with the archaic palace lord she was bound to pick up a few of his habits. Her speech and mannerisms were much more polite now than before. "If you do not mind, I would like to speak with my father in private."
Koshijirou snapped out of his daze, and nodded his head in agreement. "You three, keep practicing. I will be back after awhile to check your progress." The boys agreed loudly and returned to their training, while Koshijirou followed Kaoru out of the hall and back to the house. Glancing over the tree line a second time, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led her into the kitchen.
"Are you hungry, aijou?"
Smiling that fake smile, she nodded too eagerly. "Yes I am, Father. I was hoping you would be willing to make me something. Leftovers will do, if you have any."
"Leftovers?" Amused, he shook his head. "Not with three growing boys in the house. Leftovers are a rare thing, Kaoru."
"Ah, then something simple, if you will." The statement was offhand, and he could see how she had gotten used to asking in a way that was not really asking. The lord certainly had rubbed off on her. The environment she had lived in probably had helped as well.
"So you are certain nothing has happened?" Casual as he prepared a quick dish, Koshijirou watched for his daughter's reaction out of the corner of his eye. Dull blue eyes staring off into space slowly fell to the floor.
"I am certain, Father. Nothing was done to me. I am healthy, unharmed, and have not been spoken ill to. I am here because this is where I belong." The absence of sorrow, anger, or joy told him that she was not fully telling him the truth, but he would not pry. For now. Whatever was bothering her was still too fresh to poke at. He would wait until she was ready to talk. Not a second after the decision was made in his mind she was glancing up with forced enthusiasm. "Oh, Father, I was thinking that perhaps we could visit Shinsaki. I have never been there, and I thought it might be wonderful to get to see the place where Mother grew up. Plus, the boys are about due for a visit home, don't you think?"
Calm and composed, Koshijirou nodded thoughtfully. "That sounds like a good idea, aijou. I have always wanted to take you there sometime so that you may meet your mother's family." It may also be good to get her away from this house, since I am sure those filthy spies outside have already noticed Kaoru's presence and informed that no good brat. This village will offer us no protection because of Kaoru and who Enishi is. If we were to make it to Shinsaki, they would protect us.
"Great! I'll eat real quick and help you pack!"
Lifting an eyebrow, Koshijirou studied his daughter skeptically. "Just when did you plan on leaving?"
"This afternoon would be good. I mean, we can make some fair ground before nightfall if we leave within the hour."
"Kaoru… a trip like this requires some preparation. We cannot just leave without any supplies."
"We can hunt along the way. Come on, Father, it's not like we have to worry about snow. We can take all the time we want going there, and stay as long as we want, too."
Sighing, he could see her patience hadn't improved any. She was still very spontaneous. "If you are that eager to leave then we can make it tomorrow and not earlier." Kaoru's mouth opened, a touch of desperation curling her features, but he spoke over her. "Do not argue. You may help me pack after you eat, like you said, but I will have to send the boy's into town for a few things, and by the time they get back it will be too late to leave. We will go first thing in the morning."
Letting out an unsteady breath, Kaoru cast her own tentative glance out the open door, and it made her father wonder just what she was running away from. "Alright, Father. First thing in the morning."
X
Enishi untied the small note attached to the second hawk to reach him within twenty-four hours. Already turned around and on his way back to the Kamiya Dojo, he was surprised to read that his prize and her worthless father were actually heading in his direction now. Thinking to visit family, eh? Like that will help you keep her from me. Grinning, he read the rest of the message, savoring the knowledge that soon he would have what he wanted, and he would take great pleasure in making sure she knew it as well. It seemed they were taking a wide route around the palace. Laughing softly, he wondered if that stupid old man of hers still believed there was actually something scary living in that place. Enishi himself was leery, but he was confident enough now to think himself strong enough to conquer whatever got in his way. Some bloodthirsty beast wouldn't give him any trouble.
Crumbling the paper in his hand he tossed it away from him, correcting his path as he walked. One of the men was still following her, keeping track of her progress; the other was with the rest of his men. Upon his orders, they would be meeting up with him after he had obtained the girl. It was then and only then that he was going to allow them to raid the village by the coast. Kaoru was all the spoils he wanted. The rest he left to them.
X
A/N: Everything is starting to draw closer together, and I realize I may be setting myself up for something very bad. I hope no one will be disappointed in how things will proceed from here. I do realize that this chapter had a few holes in it, but the next chapter will hopefully balance out any confusion you have about their actions. I wanted Kaoru to be as monotone as possible in this chapter, and I kind of made her into a regular liar, but I suppose one lie leads to more… It is a hard lesson she will learn. Kenshin, on the other hand, was a fountain of rocking emotion. I know everyone really expected him to be upset when he woke, since I left him acting rather vulnerable the night before. But, I think, situations hurt more after the fact. At least for me. Whenever I have enough time to think about something, it usually starts to either piss me off or upset me in some fashion more than when it was actually going on. So, that's my reason. Of course, after such a rush of anger, it's only natural to crash, like coming off a sugar high. But he hasn't cried even though he was very close. I wanted to make that very clear. Neither of them has…
Alright, so I haven't given anyone much reason to like me… but I still hope everyone will continue to support me! Please! And please, please read the next chapter when I post it, no matter how much you have hated these last two. So please leave me a review, and in the next chapter… Kenshin sleeps in Kaoru's rooms, Koshijirou pushes his daughter for info, and Enishi gets the surprise of his life! See you soon!