15: Born This Way
Three weeks later:
Nothing much has happened in the last few weeks. I've been thinking hard about being with Blaine… But I just don't know what to do. I need more time. I really do like him and he said he'll wait for a decision from me, but I just don't know if I can put myself through the heartbreak of not only losing him as a boyfriend, but as a friend as well, especially after it already happened with Sam. Maybe I'll talk to Sugar and Puck about it…
Anyways, so this week in glee it's all about Born This Way and accepting ourselves, which I should love, since 1) it's Lady GaGa, and 2) I need a confidence boost. But after my embarssment doing the sexy dance for Blaine and what happened last week… I'm really not in a good place to gain confidence.
/
Last Week – The Auditorium (The Glee Club's Night of Neglect):
Tina had just come off stage crying. It was my turn to give my solo performance. Shitting it is an understatement.
I walked to the centre of the stage to see five or six people In the audience. My glasses were off so I couldn't see very well but I think I could make out Kurt, Jewfro and Becky Jackson.
"And now, please enjoy the musical styling's of Mr. Ryan Casey as he sings his heart out to Cee-Lo Green's 'Bright Lights Bigger City'" Sam announced over the loudspeaker.
I been livin' for the weekend
But no not anymore
'Cause here comes that familiar feelin'
That Friday's famous for
Yeah I'm lookin' for some action
And it's out there somewhere
You can feel the electricity
All in the evening air
And it may just be more of the same
But sometimes you wanna go where everyone knows your name
So I guess I'll have to wait and see
But I'm just gonna let something brand new happen to me
"Boo!"
"You suck!"
"Go back to Scotland!"
And it's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
Bright lights and the big city
It belongs to us tonight
"Lose some weight!"
Now Friday's cool
But there's somethin' about Saturday night
You can't say what you won't do
'Cause you know that you just might
I'm alive this evening
It was love at first sight
This Saturday
And every Saturday for the rest of my life
And everyone's standin' in line
Yeah lookin' good and lookin' for a real good time
So I'll never have to wonder if
I'll have someone to share all of this with
Ignore it Ryan. They're just trying to taunt you. Ignore it.
And it's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
Bright lights and the big city
It belongs to us tonight
Yes I need it
Everybody does
Cocktails and conversation
Music and making love
And it's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
Bright lights and the big city
It belongs to us tonight
Bright lights, bright lights, bright lights
And the big city
It belongs to us tonight
I finished the song to hear more boos. I could hear a faint clapping sound coming from Kurt's direction.
"Thank you, thank you! And let me add, go fuck yourselves! I said, looking directly at the hecklers before walking off stage.
/
So anyways, I know they were only saying those things to get a rise out of me… But they still hurt… And I know I shouldn't take them to heart. But I do.
/
Glee club was weird today. Santana and Dave Karofsky are together…. Well the guys and I know that they're each other's beards, but no one else does. They're starting an anti-bullying campaign at the school. Dave may be a supreme prick. But at least they're doing something positive to combat the bullying he was a big part in making so popular.
I knocked on Mr Schue's office door before walking in and sitting down.
"Ryan, what can I help you with?" Mr Schue asked happily.
"Um, I don't think I can be a part of this week's lesson." I said shyly.
"Oh, why not?" He asked, looking concerned.
"I just… don't think I can do the assignment. I hate a lot of things about myself. I don't even know where to begin. The assignment isn't helping me accept my flaws. They're just making me even more aware of them. I'm not like the rest of the guys in glee. I don't have a perfect body. I don't have a perfect face. I need glasses. I can't be myself."
"Ryan… You need to be aware of your insecurities in order to overcome them. All of your 'flaws' that you listed are not flaws. They're all about your lack of confidence. But think about it. Last year, you had never sung in front of anyone before. Now, you sing almost every week and you even had a solo at this year Sectional's. Did you think you'd have ever come this far? No, But you have and you will do this assignment this week. I believe in you. Not only me, but the glee club too" Mr Schue said before smiling and patting me on the shoulder.
"You're only problem is confidence. Believe in yourself the way the rest of us believe in you." He said.
"Thanks, Mr Schue. You're right" I said, smiling.
/
I was not expecting this today. Kurt's back! Karofsky apologised to Kurt personally and apparently Santana and him (The Bully Whips) are now going to be his bodyguard when in school, to make sure he's safe. I can't believe it but I'm glad he's back. I was angry with him for a while, like most of us were. But it felt weird in glee without him. Blaine and him are friends again now too so it's all good.
/
Blaine, Sugar, Puck and I were all sitting in the cafeteria. Lauren had just left to go make Prom posters for her and Puck.
"So what are you gonna write on your shirt?" Blaine asked me.
"Um, I think I'm gonna say 'No Confidence'. I think it's pretty fitting, especially after what Mr Schue said to me yesterday" I said.
"That's a good one dude. Now you've accepted it, you can work on it and get more confident." Puck said. "I'm gonna go with 'I'm With Stupid' with an arrow pointing to my junk… I'm a horny guy. And like you guys have seen in the past, thinking with my dick led to some bad things happening." He continued.
"I'm gonna go with 'Misunderstood' cause people always judge me before they get to know me, cause I'm rich and sometimes cause I have aspergers" Sugar said.
"I was gonna choose 'Hobbit', but I think I'm gonna choose 'Hair' instead. I'm really self-conscious about my hair when it's un-gelled. I'm also pretty hairy… I have chest hair and my eyebrows are really bushy. It's something I've always been embarrassed about it." Blaine said.
"You shouldn't be embarrassed. It's cute" I said, smiling.
Blaine smiled back and looked at me almost lovingly.
"Ok sorry to break up the eye sex going on, but what song are we gonna sing?" Puck said smirking.
"I have an idea actually. It's a song about self-acceptance. I think it would work really well". I said.
/
Glee Club:
"Ok guys so Ryan, Blaine, Sugar and Puck have a song they'd like to sing to us" Mr Schue said.
Blaine, Sugar, Puck and I all sat in the centre of the room. Puck began playing the guitar.
Ugly:
Ryan/Blaine/Sugar/Puck(guitar):
Sugar:
When I was seven
They said I was strange
I noticed that my eyes and hair weren't the same
I asked my parents if I was OK
They said you're more beautiful
And that's the way they show they wish
They had your smile
So my confidence was up for a while
I got real comfortable with my own style
I knew that they were only jealous 'causeAll:
People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
My personality reflects me
And if I'm ugly then
So are you
So are youRyan:
There was a time when I felt like I cared
That I was shorter than everyone there
People made me feel like life was unfair
And I did things that made me ashamed
'Cause I didn't know my body would change
I grew taller than them in more ways
But there will always be the one who will say
Something bad to make them feel greatAll:
People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
My personality reflects name
And if I'm ugly then
So are you
So are youPeople are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
My personality reflects me
And if I'm ugly then
So are you
So are youBlaine:
Everybody talks bad about somebody
And never realizes how it affects somebody
And you bet it won't be forgotten
Envy is the only thing it could beAll:
'Cause people are all the same
(The same, the same)
And we only get judged by what we do
(What we do, yeah, yeah)
My personality reflects me
And if I'm ugly then
(Yeah, you)
So are you
So are youPeople are all the same
(Oh, oh, oh)
And we only get judged by what we do
(What we do, yeah)
My personality reflects me
And if I'm ugly then
(Yeah, so are you)
So are you
So are you
/
The next day:
Today was amazing! We sang Born This Way in all of our t shirts. We all just aired our insecurities out in the open and I feel so good after it! This has helped me so much and I really hope that my confidence will only grow from here on in!
I was sitting in my room going over the events of the day.
"Ryanie! Can you come downstairs for a minute?" My mam called.
I walked downstairs and into the sitting room to see my mam, nanny, granddad, and two aunts all sitting down, looking very apprehensive.
"Is everything ok?" I asked as I sat down, beginning to worry.
There was silence for a moment before my mam spoke.
"Darling, lately your grandparents haven't been very happy. They miss home. We've been talking about it a lot and…" She paused, looking at my other family members.
"…We think we're going to move back home to Ireland."
/