16: Realisation
"…We think we're going to move back home to Ireland."
The silence was deafening as Ii tried to comprehend what I had just heard.
"What?" was all I could muster up after a few moments of contemplation.
"We're just not happy here, we miss our little village. This doesn't feel like home." My Grandad said, a sentiment echoed by my Granny and Aunts' nodding heads.
"But, why did you stay here for so long if you want to leave? We've been here for almost two years!" I said, unable to comprehend what they were saying.
My Grandad continued. "We decided to move here when your mother got the job. We're a family. We didn't want to leave each other. But we can't stay here anymore. Everything moves too fast and there's not enough emphasis on religion and-"
"Who cares about fucking religion?" I said angrily.
"We didn't raise you to be so disrespectful!" He retorted.
"How can you use that as an excuse to uproot the whole family again? You don't need a community to be religious! Faith is about what you believe in! Not what someone tells you to! And you seem to forget that there are hundreds of religions here! Everyone is included and you can still go to a catholic church!" I said as my temper flared.
"We aren't used to this! We want to go back home! It's too much for us!" He said angrily.
"And do you all feel like this?" I asked.
They all nodded except for my mam.
"Do you not want to leave?" I asked my mam.
"We have to do what's best for your grandparents" She said, refusing to look at me, instead starting adamantly at the ground.
I could feel myself begin to tear up.
"I have a life here! I have friends here… Best friends! I've lived more in the past two years here than I ever did back in Ireland! I have people who care about me. I actually like school here. I have a chance to be successful here! Why don't you think of that before you go back to our backwards village just so you can go pray to a God that doesn't fucking exist!" I shouted before running out of the room, slamming the door behind me.
I could hear my family have a shouting match before I ran to my room and locked the door behind me.
/
I had been lying on my bed for over an hour, just staring at the celling. I was in a trance-like state; numb. I couldn't even fathom what was happening.
I was shocked from my trance when I heard a knock on my door.
"Go away!" I shouted.
"Darling, please." I heard my mam say back.
I hesitated for a moment before walking over and unlocking the door for her. I returned to my bed.
"How are you feeling?" She asked as she relocked the door behind her.
"How do you think I'm feeling?" I said angrily.
"Sweetie, you'll get used to the idea. I promise," She said softly.
"I don't want to get used to it!" I said, sitting up, feeling my anger flare again.
"You know how much this place has helped me. I have friends, mam. I'm not the shy kid anymore. Two years ago, I couldn't even sing in front of you, and here I am today, singing in glee club every week and being a featured soloist in competitions! That would have never happened back home. And you know I couldn't say this in front of the others, but I can be myself here. I can actually think about coming out and not be afraid of having everyone hate you because it's against God's word. You know I love Ireland… But that place isn't home anymore… This is." I said, trying to keep it together.
"Darling, I know… I've seen how this place has changed you. You have amazing friends and I'm so proud of you… Ireland will always be home, but so much happened there. I had a dead-end job that I was stuck in. Here, I'm in this amazing job where I have the chance to get promotions and become successful, and give you the life you never had back home. For 13 years, people constantly associated me with your father, when we hadn't even been together since you were baby. This was a fresh start, away from everything. I need to tell you something, but you have to swear you won't tell the others" She said.
"I don't even want to speak to them again" I said.
She looked at me sadly before continuing on. "I've been dating someone, for a while now. I feel like everything was finally coming together for us" She paused and looked at the ground sadly. "But we can't stay for our own selfish reason. You grandparents took care of both you and me all of our lives. They're not happy here. They want to go home; to the place they were born and raised. We can't deny them that after they've done so much for us." She said.
I could feel the reality sinking in.
"But what about if we stay, just us?" I asked, almost desperately.
"We can't do that. The only reason the move here was so simple and easy was because it was the whole family. We can't do this alone" She said sadly.
She reached over and gave me a hug before getting up and walking towards the door.
"I'm sad too… But you'll get used to the idea. Try and get some sleep." She said sadly before leaving the room.
/
I had been sitting in silence for another hour, letting my mams words sink in.
Eventually it all became too much so I reached over and grabbed my iPod and turned on shuffle; the minute I heard the notes begin to play, I began to tear up and fully realise what was to happen over the coming weeks.
I'd Wait for Life:
There's a place we used to be
Sam… My first love…We're not gonna have the chance to become friends again, like I've hoped for so long…
There's a face that I used to see
There's a picture with you by my side
There's a moment that I want to find
I don't know where to start or how to begin
But I know I love you still
Blaine… I was gonna say yes to him… I wanted to be with him too… Now we'll never get the chance to see what we could have been.
If you ever turn away
If you ever change your mind
If the road ahead becomes too hard to climb
If there's something in your heart that tells you to stop
Oh to hold you close tonight
I'd wait for life
Sugar… My best friend… How am I gonna cope without seeing her every day? Puck, I won't be able to help him accept himself fully… And Santana, who will she have to talk to?
There's a voice shouting inside my head
There's a space on your side of the bed
There's a hope everytime there's a sound
There's a silence that's playing too loud
I don't know where you are or how you may be
But I know I Love you still
Glee Club… What am I gonna do now? My friends, Mr Schue… They made me what I am today. How am I gonna cope without them?
If you ever turn away
If you ever change your mind
If the road ahead becomes too hard to climb
If there's something in your heart that tells you to stop
Oh to hold you close tonight
I'd wait for life
How can I cope with these amazing people disappearing from my life? All I'm gonna have left are memories… Distant memories…
If I close my eyes I'll dream a little deeper baby
Cause you are always on my mind
Yeah you are always on my mind
For Life
The tears were now freely flowing from my eyes.
If there's something in your heart that tells you to stop
Oh to hold you close
Oh to hold you close tonight
I'd wait for life
As the song ended I turned around, shoving my head deep into the pillow, before beginning to sob uncontrollably.
/
A/N: Seriously, please do me a favour and listen to that song while reading the last part… I got so sad writing it :(
Take That – I'd Wait for Life