CHAPTER 37
Erik didn't remember falling asleep, and when he felt the warm rays of sunlight on his face he sat up quickly. The fire had died and he was still on the floor naked, but he was alone. Lisa, her clothes, and the box of papers along with the sketch of his face were gone. He wanted to get up and run around the mansion to find her, but he knew that she was not there. The stillness around him was as definite as a tomb. He'd lost again, after all that he'd been through and accomplished.
Erik stood up on shaky legs as rage built within him and exploded. He threw furniture, punched holes in the walls and shattered windows as he sent worthless nick knacks flying. There was no balance in the universe to bring him so close to happiness again only to leave him flailing in emptiness. As his anger slowly gave way to grief he remembered the one thing, only thing that was and ever would be his, Gustave. Suddenly consumed with the need to see his child, Erik dressed and flew from the empty home.
Every ounce of his being was focused on getting home. It seemed only minutes had passed when he reached his residence. He burst into the front door and instinctively ran up the stairs, his long legs easily gaining 3 or 4 steps as he rose up them. When he opened the door he found a startled and obviously distraught Gustave perched on the edge of his bed. In his hand was a creased hand written note he'd been reading.
"She's gone, and she won't be back. And it's all my fault." Large tears streamed down the youth's face. Erik's curiosity was too much for patience or prudence. He moved forward and took the note from his son's trembling hands.
My dearest Gustave,
Please don't be sad and know that I love you. You have become the best friend I've ever known and I am grateful for every second I was blessed to spend with you. It is you I will miss the most. I think it only fair you know something about me and maybe you will be able to understand better why I had to go away.
When Charles died I also lost the child I'd been carrying. In some way you became a substitute for that baby that was taken from me, and in consequence I took liberties in caring for you that were not my place too. I never meant to impose on your heart or life the way I did, but I know now I was desperate for the type of connection that only a child of my own could give.
Please forgive me and know that you are more special to me than any jewel of this world could ever be. I will always love you and hope that I can become a pleasant memory one day. Maybe fate might even bring us back together. You're an amazing young man and I hope to see you accomplish great things. Never be afraid to be all you can be and let your heart lead you.
Please tell your father I wish him the best and how very lucky you both are to have each other. He is an amazing man and sometimes has trouble seeing how truly wonderful he is. Cherish him as much as I know he does you. I will Cherish you both forever and you'll always own a part of my soul.
Love Lisa
I have watched you fall
through those tender years
And every time I thought there must be more that I could do
You found a light
A different way out there in front of you
I am in your eyes
Just that close to you
and now I see your innocence against a troubled sky
everything you once believed is now a question why
it's ok
Don't lose your faith
don't turn away
everything that makes you who you are will not lead you astray
When it gets cold
Too dark to see
Reach in your soul and find me there,
I'll always be
Your constant angel
Who could ask the years
to keep its truth from you
there will be times you won't believe in much of anything
that's when you'll find the grace of God in just surrendering
its ok
Don't lose your faith
don't turn away
Everything that makes you who you are will not lead you astray
When it gets cold
Too dark to see
Reach in your soul and find me there,
Ill always be
Your constant angel
In every prayer
I am constantly there with you
Don't lose your faith
don't turn away
everything that makes you who you are will not lead you astray
When it gets cold
Too dark to see
Reach in your soul and find me there,
I'll always be
Your constant angel
Erik saw the tears dripping from the nose of his mask. He heard only the soft sobs of his son. Careful not to frighten him he sat down on the bed next to him and hugged him close. It was hard for him to speak, but he had to say something. Gustave needed to know that he was there to help and not burden him anymore.
"One thing I've learned in my time on this earth is that people do change. We are never the same person today that we were yesterday. Though that old person is still a part of us as we move forward, a new individual awakens with each new day. Sometimes those changes are subtle and almost unnoticeable; sometimes it comes from trauma and tragedy. Sometimes it's from moments of epiphany, great clarity or the dawn of understanding. Good people can become bad, and bad people can find their heart, maybe even redemption from the evil things they've done.
I'm not excusing my past, but I want you to know I am not that man anymore. When the change happened exactly I'm not sure, but I know how it began. It started when your mother came into my life and I first considered the possibility that even a monster can have a piece of heaven. But then I learned that to just touch that heaven for a moment the monster had to die. Darkness cannot exist in the face of light; it must succumb, especially if it aspires to be one with the inner light.
Then once I had a taste of it nothing about the world was ever the same. I made choices, and maybe I was wrong, but I did it out of love... and fear. I tried to tell myself I did the best thing for both of us when I left your mother. But I couldn't let go, I couldn't forget, and the memory became my food, my water, my every breath. It was what I felt when I tried to reach out with my hands, and it was the picture I saw when I opened my eyes. I could not live again knowing what I had left behind, and so I sought to know it again." Erik breathed deeply before going on.
Gustave pulled back and looked up into his father's face and saw the tears that had begun to stain both his skin and the painted cheek of his mask. For the first time since the night his mother died, the boy reached up slowly and removed it. Erik didn't move to stop him; he just kept looking down into the boy's face. It was perfect in every way, including the love he saw reflected there. His crying subsided as his attention was captured by what the man was saying.
"When I lured your mother across the sea, and yes it was I who was responsible for bringing her here, I told myself it was for one last performance. I could live the rest of my life with just one last taste of joy while knowing it would be my last. And yes, I admit there was a part of me that hoped there could be one last chance for us. I made my plans to seduce her with my world and my music as I had once done, but Christine had changed too.
She wasn't the girl I left asleep and dreaming of love. She was a woman, a wife, and a mother. She wanted none of what I offered, so I threatened her with the only thing I knew could touch her. I threatened to take you from her. Then I found out about you, that you were my son and not his. It was a miracle unlike any I'd dared to dream.
From that point on you were the reason and the purpose for our love, our lives. I dared to aspire to the possibility that I could have it all; a real and complete life in the light where I could forget all that I am and have been, and be the man that this face has stopped me from being. I thought I could have Christine, our music our child. In my folly I blinded myself to everything, including what was happening to Antoinette and Meg.
I made the same old mistakes and so I was repaid for all the life I'd taken. It's my entire fault and no one else's, I realize that now. I tried to orchestrate the world to serve myself, and I was punished even more for being the beast of the story. It seemed every life I touched was turned to ash, and now I had you to care for and I couldn't allow you to suffer for my sins. I had to protect you, for Christine and for myself. You would be my salvation. But I've failed. I failed you, and Christine, and now I've failed Lisa. It was right for her to run. She finally saw that twisted heart of the monster I really am and will always be. Your mother saw it once long ago; it's in my soul where the true distortion lies.
But I swear to you from this moment on I will not squander my blessings. I will honor them, and I will honor you. We must help each other through this and everything will be all right, I promise." Despite his continued sorrow Gustave smiled lovingly up to his father.
"I love you so much father." He said.
"And I love you son."
Together they started to try and leave the hurt behind and be thankful for having the love that they deserve.