Picking up the Pieces

by Eriana10

Everything was going right for Eriana Tabris. She was in love with Zevran, and they were beginning their life together. Life was good. Then it all fell apart. How do you pick up the pieces of a broken life, a broken heart? Sequel to Just Follow My Lead.

39. Chapter 39

AN: No this isn't exactly a new upload, but I just realized today that my entire chapter didn't upload last time. (And I actually left off the most important part) So here's my chapter again, with the actual ending.) So sorry for the confusion.

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Nathaniel flopped down on his bed with a contented sigh. He had always enjoyed spending time in Denerim, but the past three weeks had been absolutely draining for the young rogue. Spending three weeks on high alert, constantly on the lookout for attacks and assassins was not what he would call a relaxing trip by any means. It was nice to be back home, surrounded by Wardens, safely ensconced behind the familiar walls of Vigil's Keep. Snorting to himself, Nathaniel considered the irony of his sentiment. Vigil's Keep…home; it had been a very long time since his subconscious had placed those words together, not since his father had sent him away to the Free Marches over a decade ago.

Leaning back on his pillows, Nathaniel stared up at the ceiling of his boyhood room and remembered those last days in the Keep. Nathaniel had been making the final arrangements for his departure, writing some correspondence and checking over his belongings to ensure that he was prepared for what was to be a three year training experience for the then sixteen-year-old. He had slipped into his father's office to add a few letters to the pille of his father's outgoing correspondence when an unfinished letter sitting on the desk caught his eye. It was addressed to Bernard Singrad, the man to whom Nathaniel was to be squired. In it his father had encouraged Singrand to extend Nathaniel's stay in the Free Marches, explaining his desire to pass the arling to Thomas instead of his eldest son. He was asking Sigrand to do everything short of killing the boy to keep his son from returning to Ferelden until the matter of succession was resolved.

Nathaniel had been stunned to learn of his father's betrayal; never before had his father given him reason to doubt him, but there it was in black and white, his father's betrayal played out before him. In that moment, the Keep ceased to be home to him, so much so that Nathaniel now wondered why he ever tried to break into it in the first place. Maybe it was some sense of misplaced honor or duty as the last surviving Howe male.

It was strange then that this place had come to feel like home again only when he returned to it in the service of the woman who had killed his father and taken control of the ancestral home he had left over a decade ago, and he realized that were it not for her, he would not only be without a home but without a purpose as well. He owed her so much, and that was why he had worked so tirelessly to ensure her safety while they were away. Now that they were back at the Keep, Nathaniel could relax a bit. That wasn't to say that the threat was past, that much was obvious, but the upcoming winter coupled with the constant presence of the order members would keep her safe, for the next few months at least.

Rolling over and pulling the blankets over him, Nathaniel stared up at the ceiling of his childhood room, enjoying the comfort of his plush bed. That was another thing he had missed about the Keep, his bed. Sleeping on a cot in Eriana's sitting room, though necessary, was really uncomfortable; he was definitely getting a good night's sleep tonight. He was just about to doze off when he heard frantic pounding on his door. Nathaniel groaned to himself as he threw his feet over the side of the bed and stumbled toward the door. "This had better be important," he muttered to whomever it. With a sigh, he opened the door to reveal a very frantic looking Anders. Nathaniel was wide awake instantly. "What is it? Who's hurt?"

"We need to get into Ana's room; I think there's something wrong; I think someone's in there with her."

Nathaniel stiffened as he regarded the mage. "What do you mean?"

Anders huffed in frustration. "Well, I was walking past Ana, and I heard a loud crash coming from her quarters. I went to the door to see if anything was wrong, and I heard her scream. I tried to get in the room, but the door was locked."

"Follow me," Nathaniel said, grabbing the mage and pulling him inside the room.

"What are you doing?" the mage barked in frustration. "Ana needs us now."

"I know that," Nathaniel said, grabbing his weapons and pulling a signet ring from the chain around his neck. "But if someone is in there, they've likely barricaded the door. It would take us too long to get in; this will be faster." Without looking back at the mage, Nathaniel made his way over to the back corner of his room. He inspected the wall closely for a second before sliding the ring into a small crevice. Suddenly, the wall began to glow as hidden bands of lyrium began to glimmer dimly; then a section of the door opened, revealing a hidden passage. "A little light?" he asked glancing back at the mage. Anders nodded, summoning a glowing wisp that hovered just above his hand.

"What is this?"

"A secret passage through the family wing," Nathaniel said as he began to lead the mage through the darkened passageway. "My father was somewhat paranoid and had them installed when he built this wing onto the Keep. Only family members and our personal guards knew about them; our family rings will open them."

"Where do they lead?"

"It connects all the rooms in this wing then leads to a hidden exit on the exterior wall. There's also passage that leads to Father…well, Ana's office. Now, tell me exactly what happened."

Anders took a deep breath. "Well, I was in Oghren's room, you know it's right there beside Ana's. That wife of his is getting pretty close to delivering, so I wanted to make sure the journey wasn't too much for her. As I was leaving, I heard a loud crash, like someone was throwing things around the room and some screaming."

"What kind of screaming?" Nathaniel asked. When Anders didn't answer immediately, the rogue shot him a quick look. "Was it a scream of pain, anger, fear?"

"Oh, I'm not sure; I'm never really heard her scream in fear before, so I can't be sure. But when I heard it, I tried to open the door. When it wouldn't open, I started knocking, and then it got really quiet. That's when I came for you."

"Why didn't you get Oghren?"

"He wasn't there; Felsi said something about needing pickled eggs and apple cider."

Nathaniel shook his head…pregnant women. He held up a hand and motioned for the mage to be quiet. Stepping up to the wall, leaned against it, trying to listen for any signs of danger. When he heard nothing, he used his ring to release the wards. Motioning again for the mage to stay put, Nathaniel slid into the room, merging immediately with the shadows. He moved cautiously into the main sitting room, stepping over up-turned tables and a few smashed chairs. His heart clinched; it definitely looked like there was a struggle in here. Eriana was nowhere to be seen, and to make matters worse, the window at the end of the room was standing wide open. Cursing under his breath, Nathaniel was about to call for a guard to raise an alarm when a crumpled piece of parchment caught his eye. Thinking it was a ransom note, Nathaniel picked it up and began to read.

My Dearest Warden,

If you are reading this letter, it means that one of two things has happened. Either I am dead or something has happened that has forced me to leave you. If the former is the case, then I am so sorry that I have caused you further pain. Please know this, the time I have spent with you has been without compare the best time of my life. I know that I don't say it enough, My Ana, but I love you with every fiber of my being. You gave me hope when I was lost in a sea of despair, you were my joy where before there was only sorrow, you gave me purpose, a reason to live when I had lost my will to do so. You are my light, the only bright spot in my otherwise dark and colorless existence. Before you, there was nothing that had ever given me true joy or contentment. It is only in you that I knew love, joy, happiness, and peace. My only regret is that our time together has been so brief, but those brief moments hold more value to me than the lifetime I lived before you.

Please don't blame yourself should the circumstances of my death be related someway to your duties as a Warden. Know this, if I have died in your service, then I have done so exactly where I should be, at your side, and I do not for a moment regret it. Mia Cara, there is nothing I would not do to preserve your life, and if I have died in doing so, allow me that honor and do not torture yourself on my behalf. My only request to you, amora, is that you find a way to move on, find happiness once again. Life is too short, and you deserve to find happiness in it. You can still hold me in your heart, but I couldn't bear the thought of you alone.

If the later is the case and I have been forced to leave you, then allow me to apologize all the more because the pain that you are feeling now is entirely my doing, and the last thing I wanted to do is to be the one to cause you pain. Please know this; if something has happened that has taken me from your side, then it is a very dangerous situation indeed. I beg you, my love, please let me go; do not come for me. The situation must be grave if it would pull me from the only place that I long to be, and I would only do it if I truly believed that I had no other choice. Know this, leaving you is the hardest thing that I could ever do, and it's not something I would take lightly. Also, whatever it is that I said or did to convince you not to follow me was a complete fabrication, and I am sorry for whatever I did to get away. I did it only to preserve your life, not to cause you pain.

I wish I could promise you that I will return to you, I would love to ask you to wait for me, but I cannot give you false hope like that. I cannot even promise that I will be able to contact you while I am away as it may be too dangerous. Chances are good that I may never return. My undertaking will likely be dangerous and the chances of my success quite slim. I cannot ask you to waste your life waiting for my return. I hope to come back for you, in fact, it is my greatest desire, but this venture may very well take my life. If that is the case, then know that if my death is what it takes to secure your safety, then I give it willingly, my Love. I will not ask you to wait, but know that even if I can come for you, it will be some time before I am able to do so as this is not a task that can be achieved easily. I only ask that you do not try to find me. Allow me this sacrifice, my love.

Whatever the reason, I am sorry that this letter has come to your hands. It was never my intention to leave you. You have been my life these past months and I would do anything to keep from hurting you in any way. I just hope that you find peace, whatever the case is. I love you, Ana; I will always love you.

The letter wasn't signed, but it was clear to Nathaniel who the author was. The devastation in the room wasn't a sign of struggle; it was the aftermath of a fit of fury. Relief washed over the rogue as he began to search for the elf. The door to the room was still locked, so she hadn't fled through the hall, and she didn't know about the secret passageways, so that was out. So where was she? He shouted for Anders to let him know it was safe to enter.

"Why is the window open?" Anders asked, looking cautiously around the room. "Is that how he got in?"

Nathaniel glanced over at the window. "No, I don't think there's an intruder," he said, handing the mage the letter. "I think she found this and…well, you see what it is."

Anders signed as his eyes scanned the letter. "We need to find her."

Nathaniel nodded. "Go get her dog from the kennel; he'll help you out. You two can take the living areas and the kitchen. I'm going to check the grounds." Anders nodded and disappeared out of the room. Nathaniel glanced around the room one last time before grabbing a heavy cloak that was lying on the ground and following the mage out of the room.

It didn't take the rogue long to find her; in fact, she was in the first place he looked, exactly where he had expected her to be. The first flakes of snow were starting to fall on the battlements as Nathaniel made his way to the northeast corner of the wall. There he found her, sitting on one of the castle bastilla, knees drawn to her chest, staring out into the darkness, wearing only a light-weight tunic and a pair of leather pants. Nathaniel breathed a sigh of relief as he walked over to the elf to drape the cloak over her shoulders. She didn't look up; she just drew the cloak around her and continued to stare out into the falling snow. Nathaniel sat down beside her and watched her as the snow began to cover the walls of the keep.

"Ana," he said, tenderly after a few minutes. "Why don't you come inside? It's freezing out here; you'll catch your death."

"How could he," she whispered, burying her head in her arms that as they rested on her knees. "I mean, I was starting to feel alright with things, then, bam." She sighed and pulled the cloak around her, closing herself off as much as possible.

Nathaniel didn't say anything, but he knew he had to get her inside so she wouldn't freeze to death. It took a great deal of coaxing on Nathaniel's part, but the rogue finally managed to get Eriana to head back to her room under her own strength. After putting her in the big chair in front of the fire, he quickly went to the door and summoned a servant. "Find Anders and let him know I've taken care of the problem and that I'll see him in the morning."

The servant nodded and left to find the mage. Turning back into the room, he found Eriana in the exact same position he had left her, curled up in the chair, staring into the fire, the cloak still wrapped around her. "Ana, hun, is there anything I can get you, coffee, tea…"

"Whiskey, that or something stronger," she whispered, her voice hollow and empty.

Nathaniel sighed, remembering full well how hard drinks affected her the last time she tried to drink her sorrows away, but he got up and fetched her a glass anyway. She downed it in one quick drink and held out the glass for a refill.

"Did you read it," she asked gesturing toward the letter on the table after she finished the second drink.

Nathaniel nodded. "Are you alright?" he asked, kneeling down in front of her.

"Nope," she said, exaggerating the p so that it popped a bit when she said it. She ran her hand through her hair and leaned back in the chair. "I really didn't need to read all that, not when things had finally started to get better, when it had just stopped hurting every time I thought of him. That was really the last thing I needed right now, another reminder of just what it was that I lost." The elf leaned forward and poured herself another drink.

"In fact, I think I may be worse off now because there it is in black and white everything I wanted to hear from him, six months too late. Prick." She downed the drink and slammed the glass on the table in front of her. "I mean, his first letter hurt, but this one, this one was just brutal."

"What do you mean, his first letter?"

Eriana didn't say anything; instead she stumbled to her feet and crossed the room to her closet and retrieved the box that Nathaniel knew held her daughter's ashes along with a few other personal items. Opening the box, Eriana pulled out a slightly crumpled piece of parchment and handed it to Nathaniel. "What's this?"

"That's the letter he left on his pillow when he disappeared from our room in Highever. It's rather cold and business like don't you think. I could almost believe he never cared about me after reading that one, but this one," she gestured to the letter on the table and shook her head. "I think I preferred the cold one."

"It's not all cold," Nathaniel said, handing the paper back to her. "That Orlesian bit at the bottem was rather sentimental after all."

Eriana's eyes brightened. "The Orleasian? Did you understand it?"

"Of course I did," he said, giving her an odd look. "I was raised a nobleman, remember? I could read and speak Orlesian fluently by the time I was ten. Why do you not know what it says?"

Eriana shook her head. "I don't speak Orlesian, only Antivan and Ferelden. Zevran knew that."

"And you never got curious and had someone translate it."

She shrugged. "I kind of forgot about it. I got a bit busy fighting the Architect and the Mother to worry about a secret message at the end of a break up letter." She glanced up at Nathaniel. "So what does it say?"

"Though my arms and my eyes may never hold you again, in my heart you will remain. And though I go into a world of uncertainty, know that I do it with the dearest wish that I will one day return to you. What I do now, I do for you and only you. I would gladly forfeit my life if in some way I can guarantee yours."

Eriana looked up at him for a moment before she growled in frustration. "That's it. That's the big thing he wanted me to discover, some vague convoluted declaration of sacrifice."

"I don't get it."

"Neither do I."

"No, I understand what it means," Nathaniel said, cocking his head and looking up toward the ceiling like he was trying to remember something. "I just don't get the reference."

"The reference?" Eriana asked, glancing up at him.

Nathaniel nodded. "I remember reading this in some book either my mother or tutors had me read ages ago; I just can't remember which."

"Wait, wait, wait," Eriana muttered, taking a deep breath. "Are you telling me that this is a quote from a book, some novel?" Nathaniel nodded. "Well what the bloody hell good is that going to do me. He knows bloody well that I don't read."

"You don't read?"

"Not novels any way," Eriana said with a huff. "They either hit too close to home, or they're all sunshine and daisies. Either way, I only end up feeling depressed in the end, so I just stopped reading them."

Nathaniel was quiet for a minute. "Who would you have normally gone to to have this translated?"

"Leliana, an Orlesain bard who traveled with us during the blight, but she's in the Deep Roads with the Legion of the Dead and won't be back for a while yet."

"Do you think she'd recognize the reference?"

Eriana shrugged, "It's likely; she was always reading and was really good at remembering stories. Ugh, I don't know."

"It seems to me he didn't want you to discover exactly what this part of the letter said right away; that's why he put it in Orlesian. I guess he was afraid you'd never find that letter, so he made sure expressed his feelings somewhere else. Maybe he was afraid that if you knew his true feelings that he wouldn't be able to leave or that you would try to follow. Do you think you would have stayed in Ferelden if he had left that letter instead?"

Eriana shook her head. "No, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. I don't think it was his leaving that upset me nearly as much as the letter did. It just seemed so cold and heartless like what we had meant nothing to him."

"Maybe that was the point. It's clear that he didn't want you to follow that's why he did things the way he did. I can't imagine what convinced him that he had to do something this drastic, though."

"I was nearly killed by a group of assassins who were after Zev, trying to punish him for leaving the Crows." Sighing to herself, Eriana explained what had happened in Highever when the she was nearly killed by the two assassins. Nathaniel listened; he had heard pieces of this story before, but with the new information from the letters, the pieces slowly began to fall into place. For the first time, he began to understand the elven assassination and his motivation; after all, hadn't he too sacrificed things for Eriana? "I think the whole thing scared him more than he liked to admit. That's why he left."

Nathaniel nodded. "I know you don't want to hear this, but I think it's a good thing that you know how he felt. At least now you understand him better, and even though it hurts, maybe this will help you to heal." He knelt down in front of her and took her face in his hands. "And I have to say that what Zevran did was probably one of the most selfless things I have ever heard. Was he always like that, so giving and self sacrificing?"

Eriana looked up at Nathaniel and started to laugh. "No, selfless is definitely not a word I would use to describe Zevran. In fact, he is one of the most selfish people I have ever met. The only reason he joined us in the first place is that he wanted to save his own hide, and he thought I could protect him from any other Crows that may want to kill him."

"Selfless? But he fought alongside you during the blight even after you killed the assassins that came for him; he even stayed to work with the Wardens after it was over."

Eriana shook her head. "No, he stayed with me. The Wardens had nothing to do with it. If I had decided to leave the order, he would have walked away from it with no hesitation. He always looked out for himself above everyone else." She glanced at the fire and shivered a bit, pulling the cloak around her. "The night before we left to fight the archdemon, the apostate that we were traveling with approached me with a proposition that would allow a Warden to kill the archdemon without having to die. She wanted me to convince Loghain to sleep with her and conceive a child that would absorb the essence of the old god. I have a feeling that was her plan all along. She approached me at a moment of weakness, and, Maker help me, I almost accepted. But I couldn't live with the knowledge that I might have damned the next generation to another blight, so I refused."

She glanced up at Nathaniel. "I don't think I've ever seen Zevran so angry in my life. He begged and pleaded for me to take Morrigan's bargain. He didn't care about the countless lives that were at stake, all he was concerned about was losing me."

"But Loghain was the one to kill the archdemon. Wasn't that the plan from the beginning?"

Eriana shook her head. "I was planning on taking the hit if it came down to it. I couldn't ask Loghain to do something that I was unwilling to do, and Zevran knew it."

"So you think his concern was about his loss and not your possible death?"

"I'm sorry to say it, but yes, I do think it was more about what he would lose. I love Zevran, and I talk well of him, but he wasn't exactly nice a person when it came right down to it. He behaved himself when we were together, but that was only because he wanted to make me happy. But there was a darkness in him, no matter how much he tried to hide it. I know it's because how he was raised, but he's got this whole set of morals that are just foreign to me sometimes. He looks out for himself above all else; it's how he's survived for so long."

"No, I'm not sure that's the case," Nathaniel said. "It may have been the case in the past, but I think he looks out for you first, himself second. That's why he left, after all. If he was just looking out for himself, he wouldn't have gone to Antiva to overthrow the Crows. He would have just disappeared; he would have disappeared a long time ago. He's doing what he sees is necessary for your safety; that seems pretty selfless to me."

"I wish I could believe that," Eriana said softly. "I used to, but I'm not so sure any more. It's hard to believe that someone who is supposed to love you would hurt you like this. It's been nearly seven months now, and I've yet to hear from him. And now, I get the letter he wrote months ago."

She sighed and slammed back another drink. "All I know is that I wish I hadn't found that letter because now I have to think about these things all over again. Because now there's hope, now my stupid, traitorous heart actually believes there's hope for us, for love, for the rainbows and griffons and happy endings, and I'm right back where I was four months ago, barely getting by. I was finally getting my heart back together, maybe even getting over him." She downed another. "I just want it to be over; I just want to be numb."

"Well, you're well on your way," Nathaniel said, eyeing her carefully. "You might want to slow down, in fact."

Eriana shook her head, "No, not till this hurting stops." She slammed her glass to the table, cursing as it shattered in her hand, cutting into her skin.

Nathaniel was at her side in an instant pulling her onto his lap as he examined her injured hand. He began to find it hard to focus as her tears began to soak the top of his tunic. It had been a long time since she had really broken down on him like that, and he knew that she didn't need his words. So he just held her, bandaging her wounded hand and letting her cry.

"I don't want to hurt any more, Nathaniel. I was starting to feel better and this happens. Why? Why now?"

"I don't know, Ana, I really don't. I just hate seeing you like this." He kissed the top of her head as he cradled her against his chest. "But I will be here for you, no matter what."

Eriana continued to cling to him. "I don't know what I did to deserve you, Nate, but I don't know what I would do without you." She glanced up at him, her blue eyes shimmering with tears; then she gave him a weak smile. "It's a shame you're not into elves," she slurred slightly as she closed her eyes and settled against his chest.

Nathaniel just sighed and continued to hold her. It wasn't long before her weary crying gave way to slow even breaths as she fell asleep. Trying his best not to wake her, Nathaniel gently lifted her into his arms and carried her back into her bed room. He laid her on the bed and was about to get up to return to his room when her hands gripped his tunic tightly. Glancing down, he saw her bright blue eyes gazing up at him.

"Don't leave me," she whispered, her voice small and childlike. "I can't be alone right now."

Nathaniel nodded and unbuckled his belt and kicked off his boots before sliding into the bed beside her. She was immediately curled up in his arms, her tiny body molded perfectly against his. He took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, doing his best to drive away the doubts and grief that were plaguing her. It wasn't long before he too, surrendered into a deep and peaceful sleep.

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Alright, a letter from Zev. I hope you all enjoyed it. I'm in an angst filled spot in both of my stories, so I've been finding it a bit tough to write at times. Anyway, I thought it was important to reinforce the Nathaniel/Ana relationship here while having a reminder of our favorite assassin. I'm definitely having Zev withdraws. I'm actually considering posting a one-shot I have about Zev; let me know if you'd be interested in reading it.

Untill next time!