When Alex woke far too early in the morning for her liking, she was shocked to see another person in her bed, fast asleep with Ben holding on to her tightly. She blinked away her sleep and the haze in her mind seemed to clear as she recalled the events that occurred the night before.
Claire and Adam were dead.
Lexie and Ben were hers. Well, theirs.
Olivia Benson. She repeated the name in her mind over and over again, wondering why it sounded somewhat familiar to her. As far as she could remember, neither Claire nor Adam had ever mentioned such a name. If she thought hard enough, she might guess that the nickname 'Liv' was used a couple of times which could very well be short for Olivia.
She watched the brunette in silence, her eyes wandering over her tanned skin, across her relaxed brow, and down to the thin line that her lips made while she slept. She was beautiful, in a tortured, haunted kind of way. The pockets underneath her closed eyes were deep and dark as if she hadn't slept for months. She didn't smile while she slept, instead her lips almost seemed to form a frown. Every now and then, her eyelids would twitch as if she were trying to push away a nightmare.
What was she doing? Alex pulled her eyes away from the woman in her bed. She was a stranger. A stranger that may have comforted her the night prior but that didn't change anything. As quietly as she could, she slipped out of the bed and picked up Lexie, rocking the baby in her arms as she slipped out of the bedroom and toward her office.
Once she was there, she held Lexie in one arm while her other moved her computer mouse until her monitor lit up. She logged on and quickly pulled up an internet search engine. She paused as she looked down at the keyboard before typing in 'Olivia Benson'.
She pressed enter and waited the few milliseconds it took to pull up any information on the stranger in her bed that it could. She scrolled through a few links before editing her search, adding in 'NYPD' at the end of her name.
This time, dozens and dozens of articles pulled up, all naming the detective as some sort of hero. She browsed through a few, reading about how she had saved dozens of lives, negotiated hostage situations, saved children at the risk of her own life, and wound up in the hospital far too many times.
She then clicked on the photos and was surprised to see the familiar brunette dressed in her dark uniform, cap on perfectly, face straight, never showing any emotion. She scrolled through a few of Olivia at a crime scene that a newspaper must've taken. She paused at one in particular where a blue tarp was being held up, large enough to hide a small body from prying eyes, and Olivia was bent down looking at it. She had one hand in her hair, the other supporting herself on her knee as she kneeled down. Her face was grim and Alex could only imagine what was beneath that.
"Lexie? Alex? Alex!" Alex almost hit the ceiling as she jumped out of her chair, immediately pressing the 'X' in the top right hand corner. A second later, a frantic looking Olivia appeared in the doorway with a sleepy Ben clinging around her neck. "Oh thank god," Olivia gasped as she held a hand to her chest.
"I—I'm sorry I was checking some emails?" Her sentence came out more as a question and she wasn't sure why she was trying to justify herself to Olivia when she was in her own house.
"It's okay, I just…I woke up and you and Lexie were gone and Ben was mumbling your name."
"Oh Ben, I'm right here," Alex whispered as she walked over to the boy, still supporting Lexie in one arm. He blinked a couple of times before looking at her and giggling. "What are you laughing at, silly?"
Ben giggled again and pointed down at Alex's legs. Olivia quickly averted her gaze as Alex glanced down. "Auntie Lexie, no pants!"
Alex blushed profusely as she realized she was still wearing nothing more than a pair of underwear and one of Adam's shirts since Olivia had helped her into bed before she could finish changing. Her eyes widened and her blush deepened as she thought of the detective seeing her that way, not to mention holding her while she was still in her underwear.
"Cra—ckers, I need to get dressed," Alex corrected as she rushed out of the room, Lexie still burrowed against her chest. Olivia couldn't help but laugh as she watched the red cheeked woman rush out of the room as if it was on fire. She wasn't about to remind Alex that she had already seen her like that last night.
A minute later, Alex returned in a pair of shorts, holding Lexie a foot away from her body. Olivia watched her curiously as Alex set the little girl down on a bed and lifted up the edge of her diaper a little bit. "Oh my gosh how does one little girl make that much…goop."
Olivia stifled a laugh as she set Ben down on the ground. "Why don't you go grab Ellie, okay Ben?" The little boy nodded and scrambled off into the bedroom. She walked over to the foot of Alex's bed where she left the diaper bag and cleaning supplies for Lexie and carried it over to the mattress.
"You're going to need these," Olivia stated as she gestured to the bag. She pulled out the blanket that she used the night before and set it down on the bed. "Put her on top of this because it's easier to wash then your comforter cover if something spills."
Alex grimaced slightly as she picked of Lexie and placed her down on the blanket before looking back at Olivia attentively. "First, you'll have to take it off and clean her with wipes. It typically helps if you use the diaper to clean up most of it so that you don't use a hundred wipes like I did the first time."
Alex grinned slightly as she pulled off the sticky straps and tried to wipe up as much as she could. Olivia walked over to her and placed a hand on top of Alex's, guiding it to Lexie's legs. She wrapped her hand around Alex's which were now around Lexie's legs and pulled them up into the air so that the little girl was easier to clean.
"Oh god, it smells," Alex gasped as she turned her head toward Olivia, inadvertently burying her head against the brunette's neck as a form of relief.
"Better get used to it, Alex. This isn't half bad," She teased as she grabbed a wipe and explained to Alex the proper way to do it. Alex followed her lead and managed to use a dozen more wipes before she was satisfied that Lexie was properly cleaned. She adjusted the diaper beneath the little girl, causing her to giggle.
Once Lexie was placed properly, she folded up the diaper and fastened the straps around the girl's waist. "There, see? Good as new." Olivia picked up Lexie while Alex went and washed her hands. When the blonde returned, she handed over the little girl.
Alex tried to resist the urge to smile as she picked up her now clean niece. She changed Lexie's diaper. It gave her a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, she could do this…with Olivia's help. She turned to the brunette as she brought Lexie upright and leaned her against her shoulder. "Thank you, Olivia."
"You teach me, I teach you," Olivia replied with a shrug. "Now I think someone might be hungry." Olivia pointed behind them where Ben sat on the floor with his elephant, making it move around with his hand.
"Cwunch, cwunch! Aunie Awwie, cap'n cwunch!" Ben cried out as he tossed Ellie up and then caught her. Alex used her free hand to cover her mouth as she leaned up against the door frame, trying to keep her emotions in check. Ben had called her Auntie Allie before even though it wasn't necessarily common. He liked to call her Auntie Lexie because he said it was like he was talking to his sister and her at the same time.
"Well I guess it's a good thing your Auntie Lexie told me to buy you Captain Crunch, isn't it?" Olivia questioned as she walked over to him. "How about we go get you a bowl of cereal?"
"Yes!" Ben hopped up and ran toward Alex's kitchen, immediately pulling at one of her bar stool chairs which resided against her island.
"Hey Benjie, I think that might be a little too high for you," Olivia called as she watched him struggle for a second before scooping him up and propping him on her hip. She glanced over at Alex who slowly made her way into the kitchen with Lexie in her arms. "I think we might need a table."
Alex nodded numbly as she watched Olivia move flawlessly around her kitchen, pulling out a plastic bowl and spoon that she had bought the night before. She somehow managed to open up the box of cereal with one hand and poured a little into the bowl before grabbing Ben's soymilk. She poured a little in, earning a squeal from him.
"Too much, Auntie Livia!" Olivia smiled and set the carton back down. "Muhbe lil more?" Olivia's grin grew as she poured a little more in before setting it back down. She slid the bowl over to the island chair and hesitantly placed Ben in it, testing to make sure that he could stay upright in the higher chair.
"Are you okay here Ben? You're not going to fall?" He shook his head furiously, causing his slightly longer messy brown locks to spread out across his head. "Okay, be careful and don't spill on Auntie Lexie's table." She brushed the hair out of his eyes, mentally noting that he'd need a haircut soon.
"Should we feed Lexie?" Olivia nodded as she walked over to the counter and prepared some baby cereal and formula that she knew Claire had been feeding Lexie. She brought it over to the table next to Ben and nodded at Alex to sit down.
The blonde hesitantly sat on the stool with Lexie still in her arms as Olivia picked up a small spoon full. "Lexie, what's this!" Olivia exclaimed as she wiggled the spoon. Wide blue eyes turned to her and she opened up her mouth a little. "Here comes the airplane, brrrm brrrm." Lexie giggled and opened and closed her mouth a few times before Olivia stuck the spoon in. The little girl used her lips to pull the contents off of the spoon and Olivia pulled it out of her mouth.
"That sounds more like a car than an airplane," Alex teased as she watched Olivia scoop up another spoon.
"Do you want to do it?" Olivia's tone was light and playful as she raised an eyebrow at the blonde. "I'd love to hear you make airplane sounds."
Alex smirked as she took the full spoon and held it out to Lexie. "Here comes the real airplane, Lexie, pfooo." She wiggled it around before putting it in a giggling mouth.
"Pfoo?" Olivia teased as Alex handed the spoon back over. She scooped a bit more before glancing over at Ben. "Benjie, slow down buddy. Your food isn't going anywhere, okay?" Ben nodded as he stuck another shaking spoonful into his mouth, spilling soymilk down his shirt.
Both women chuckled as Alex fed Lexie again and Olivia sought out a napkin so she could wipe up Ben before he was drenched in milk. Olivia grinned as she watched Alex continue to feed Lexie, making odd sounds. "Pfoo! Poof!"
"Your airplane sounds like Benjie in the bathroom," Olivia teased, causing Ben to spit his cereal back into his bowl.
"Hey!" He cried out, looking at Olivia. "Auntie Livia!"
Both women laughed as Olivia used the napkin to wipe up the small dribble on his chin. "It does not," Alex stated as she glared at the brunette even though she couldn't seriously be offended after seeing Ben spit milk everywhere. "She likes it! See? Lexie here comes the motorcycle, brrrrrp brrrp." Alex moved the spoon up and down as if it were doing jumps on a dirt mound and Olivia watched precariously as the food sloshed on the spoon.
A second before it could reach Lexie's mouth, however, it slopped over the spoon and splashed down on Alex's shirt and arm. "Ah!" She cried out as she dropped the spoon back onto the table while Olivia and Ben burst out in laughter. Alex tried to glare at the detective as she picked up Lexie and held her out so that she could clean off the baby food on her clothes now.
"Auntie Lexie spill!"
Olivia finally managed to reel in her laughter and took Lexie while Alex cleaned herself up. "Oh gosh, Alex that was priceless. I wish I could've caught that on video!"
"Ha ha, very funny," Alex mumbled as she rolled her eyes. "America's funniest video…"
"Would've won." Alex's gaze flickered at Olivia as she propped Lexie on her island while she dabbed at the remaining milk on her shirt. "Hey, at least it isn't real breast milk."
"Ha ha…"
Olivia grinned as she grabbed onto Ben's empty bowl. "Alright buddy now that we've had our fun laughing at your Auntie Lexie, why don't we go get dressed? Go grab the clothes that I left in the bag on the floor." He nodded and scurried off toward the spare bedroom while Olivia scooped Lexie off of the table and propped her on her shoulder.
"Are you going to be okay if we swing by their place today?" Olivia asked hesitantly as she watched the blonde's face fall.
"I don't really have a choice, do I?"
Olivia shrugged. "I could do it for you if you want. You could wait in the car with the kids while I gathered everything Ben and Lexie would need." Alex pursed her lips as she considered the offer. As much as she didn't want to go into their house, she knew she had to. She needed closure. She needed to say goodbye to a life that she was once a part of and most importantly, she needed to have that talk with Ben.
"I can do it."
Olivia dropped Ben's bowl and spoon into the sink before turning back to the blonde and pausing. "That's not what I asked, Alex." The blonde raised an eyebrow as she looked at her. "I asked if you would be okay."
Alex shook her head. "No. No I'm not going to be okay as I walk through my brother's house and take everything that once belonged to him and his wife. No I'm not going to be okay when I bring everything they owned into my own house. No I'm not going to be okay when I sit Ben down and try to clarify what some paid therapist tried to explain to him. And no, I don't think I ever will be okay with it because they already suggested that Ben start seeing a therapist and that I should too."
She shook her head as she turned away from Olivia, trying to gather her bearings. "So no, Olivia, I'm not okay and I don't know if I ever will be but I have to be. For the sake of those two beautiful children who have had their entire world ripped from them."
The detective bit her lip as she slowly walked over to Alex. When she was sure Alex wasn't going to break down, she used her free hand to touch Alex's shoulder. "You don't have to be okay, Alex. We're in this together, remember?" The blonde turned around slowly, wiping away a tear that had yet to fall. She smiled down at the little blonde in Olivia's arms.
"Sometimes you can be okay and other times I can. Sometimes you can be sad and sometimes I can. Together, Alex, no matter how much you don't like me and don't want me here, I will be here no matter what. I love them just as much as you do, no more, no less."
Alex smiled sadly as she met warm brown eyes. "Why are you so kind to me when I've been nothing but a cold hearted bitch?"
"Because you're mourning, Alex. You're angry and sad and upset and right now you hate anyone who thinks they understand what you're going through and that's okay. You're mad at me for not being able to save them. You're mad at yourself for the same reason. You're angry at the world because you think this is so unfair and maybe you even wish that it was you instead of them."
Blue eyes looked away, staring intently at the ground, confirming Olivia's last thought. "I wished the same thing, Alex, but we're here. We're here and Ben and Lexie are here and they need us to be the parents that we never thought we could be."
Alex closed her eyes and took a deep, stabilizing breath. "We'll need to pull the spare bed from storage so that you have a place to sleep. We can put my desk in storage if you'd like more room unless you'd like to keep the desk. We'll have to move Lexie's crib into my room and I don't know how well Ben will be able to sleep in a room on his own so he might need to sleep with one of us. I'll look into a therapist for him, the best for children of course, and maybe one for the both of us. We'll also have to go to their house and collect all of Ben and Lexie's belongings. I don't think they should be there though, I don't think my heart could take it. We might just have to take turns with them while the other goes through the house."
Olivia pressed a kiss to Lexie's forehead as she watched the blonde return to what seemed normal for her. She stopped Alex's pacing and held out Lexie, who she readily accepted her with open arms. She pulled the little girl close, kissing her forehead much like Olivia had done. "We'll need to find her pediatrician and make an appointment so that we can learn everything we need to know about her development, growth, and eating habits."
When Alex started pacing yet again, Olivia gently grabbed onto her upper arm. "Alex." The ADA paused, looking up at Olivia as her eyes flickered back and forth between brown ones. "One step at a time, okay?" She could merely nod.
One step at a time.