When Alex arrived home after her morning jog, which she barely managed to sneak in after asking Olivia, she was surprised that it was completely silent in the entire house. She hesitantly pulled her headphones out of her ears and placed it with her phone on the kitchen table before walking down the hallway.
Normally at seven in the morning, she'd find Ben sitting in the kitchen eating his cereal while Olivia cooked something for both of them. It was a routine that she had gotten relatively used to over the last two weeks living with Olivia so something definitely seemed off.
"Liv?" Alex smiled slightly at the usage of the brunette's new nickname. A few days prior, Alex had finally asked Olivia if she was the 'Liv' that Adam and Claire always mentioned. Olivia had confirmed that it was and welcomed Alex to use the nickname as well.
When no response came, the blonde felt her stomach churn as she headed toward the brunette's bedroom, peeking in only to see nothing. "Olivia? Are you here?" She turned away from Olivia's room only to see the bathroom door shut.
"In here, I just…need a moment." Alex frowned at the shakiness of the brunette's voice, something that she had never heard before.
"Are you okay?" She questioned, standing outside the door.
"Yeah, just need a minute." Alex pursed her lips before walking down the hallway to Ben's room to check in on him. He was sitting in the corner of the room, facing away from Alex and toward the wall with his hands propping up his head.
"Ben, what are you doing buddy?" She walked into the room when the little boy didn't turn around. "Benjie, what's going on?" She looked toward his face, only to see tears streaming down his cheeks. "Ben?" She immediately sat down next to him, wrapping an arm around his little back.
"I'm sow—hu—wy," He hiccupped out as he leaned against Alex, squishing his eyes together and allowing a few tears to splash down on her bare legs.
"What are you sorry for Ben? Did something happen with Auntie Olivia?" Ben shrugged as he snuggled closer to Alex. "Ben, you need to use your words."
"I—hu—I said she—hu—she's not my—hu—mom." The blonde's eyes widened as she rubbed his back soothingly, trying to calm him down.
"She's your aunt, Ben. Why would you say that?"
He took a deep breath, his little body shaking. "I—hu—din' want to dress. She—hu—said good boys dress but I din' want to. She said—hu—that I get timeout like mom use'ta do."
Alex bit her lip, finally making sense of what must have occurred. Olivia must've been trying to get Ben to get dressed for the day but sometimes he was stubborn in the morning. Threatening to put him in the time out must've reminded him of Claire which set off his anger, subsequently yelling at Olivia that she wasn't his mom.
"Oh Ben, that's okay. I'm sure your Auntie Olivia will forgive you if you tell her you're sorry for yelling at her." She continued rubbing the little boys back, wondering if she should go check on the detective who was still locked in the bathroom.
"I sowwy," He cried out as he stood up. "I go say sowwy?"
"How about I go talk to Olivia first and then you can say you're sorry?" Ben nodded as he walked over to the door and peered out, looking for Olivia but not moving. "Why don't you go see if Lexie is sleeping?" He nodded and looked around once more before walking to her bedroom.
Alex stood up and sighed as she walked over to the bathroom, knocking gently on the door. "Liv? I talked to Ben." When no reply came, she leaned against the door, figuring it might take a few minutes. "Can I please come in? Ben said he wants to apologize."
"It's okay, Alex, I'm fine," Olivia mumbled through the door, her voice still not as confident as it normally was.
"If you're so fine, let me in then." No reply. Alex sighed as she closed her eyes. "I'd be upset too, you know…if he said that to me. I always figured that someday he'd consider us some form of parents, maybe even call us mommy and mama…He was upset, Liv, and he's been making progress in therapy but he's still having trouble with letting go of his parents which is reasonable. Dr. Marks said that it might take him a half a year before he fully understands that we're now his parents, maybe even years before he starts considering us his new guardians."
The door lock made a clicking sound before the door opened, causing the blonde to tumble backwards for a moment, only to be grabbed by Olivia who steadied her again. "Sorry, I didn't know you were leaning against the door."
Alex grabbed onto the door frame and pulled herself upright, finally turning to see the brunette who had red eyes but no traces of tears. "It's okay."
"I just—I know I'll never be Claire or even Adam but he seems to be so much better with you sometimes. He's never said something like that to you. Why am I different? Why doesn't he love me as much as he loves you?" Chocolate eyes fell to the floor. "I feel so ridiculous, trying to rationalize why a kid doesn't love me."
"Hey, don't say that," Alex countered as she placed a hand on Olivia's arm, rubbing there soothingly. "He loves you, Liv. Don't you ever see how he looks at you in awe when you do something that I can't? Like yesterday when you unclogged the toilet after Ben put way too much toilet paper in it. He thought it was the most exciting thing ever. That little boy idolizes you."
Olivia shrugged as she leaned against the counter. "I'm being stupid, I know, I just…I'm not used to this. I used to want kids. I used to think that someday I'd get married and settle down, have a few kids and do the whole stay at home mom thing for a bit before going back to being a detective but now…I love them, I do, and I wouldn't want anyone else to be caring for them but I'm afraid that I'm not what they need. What if one morning Ben wakes up and doesn't want me anymore? What if you become mommy and I forever stay Auntie Livia? It's not that I have a problem with being called his aunt, I—I don't even know how to say this."
"You want to be my equal in this relationship," Alex offered up, knowing just what the brunette was trying to say. She too had the same thoughts rather often. Sometimes she worried the same thing, that Ben loved Olivia more than her. Olivia was the 'cool' parent so to speak. She would allow Ben to stay up and she would tell him about being a detective. She was the exciting aunt that chased bad guys and arrested them. She was just the aunt that did paperwork in an office, according to him.
"Yeah." Olivia pursed her lips as she finally looked up at the blonde. "I think I like you a lot more than I thought I would." Alex laughed wholeheartedly, a glorious sound that Olivia had yet to be acquainted with. She smiled, too, surprised at how relaxed the blonde seemed.
"Why thank you, Olivia. Glad to know I exceeded your expectations…however low they may have been." Alex grinned at the detective. "Come on, why don't you go have a little talk when Ben? He told me he was really sorry and wanted to apologize to you. I asked him to go check in on Lexie so he's probably watching her sleep right now."
Olivia smiled wide at the thought of Ben watching his sister. "He's so cute when he does that." There had been countless times where they found him watching over his little sister, standing next to her crib, never once trying to wake her up. Sometimes he would stand and watch her, other times her would drag Ellie the elephant into the room with him and sit down. Once she had caught him talking to Lexie very quietly, telling her a story about two queens, a prince, and a princess.
When they arrived at the room, Alex gave the brunette a reassuring smile before leaving for the bathroom so that she could wash off her sweaty body. "Hey Benjie," Olivia whispered, the little boy immediately spinning around.
He paused for a second, looking at her before running full speed at her, throwing his little arms around her legs. "I'm so sowwy Auntie Livia! I din' mean it. I love you lots and lots, more than Ellie." Olivia sighed in relief as she somehow managed to pry the boy off of her in order to pick him up and carry him out of the room.
His little arms wrapped tightly around her neck and he buried his head against her neck. "I love you Auntie Livia."
"I love you, too, Benjie," She whispered as she buried her nose in his messy brown locks. "I love you so so much buddy." They stayed like that for a few minutes, Olivia holding the little boy close as she leaned against the wall just soaking up all the love that radiated from him.
It was then that she realized how much she missed the intimacy that two people could share through a simple hug. She couldn't remember a time when her mother ever held her in such a manner. All she knew was that she would be a better mom for Ben than her mom was for her.
"Okay buddy, how about you go to the kitchen so we can make you some breakfast?" She lowered the boy to the ground before he nodded vigorously.
"I'll even dress! Like a big boy!" Olivia grinned as she messed up his hair before he ran off to his room.
She stood there for a few moments, thinking about what had just transpired. At first she couldn't quite pinpoint why Ben's comments had affected her so much but Alex seemed to shed some light on that. But what Alex didn't know about the inner turmoil she was dealing with.
She had echoed those very same words to her mother once upon a time, telling her that she'd never be the mother she was supposed to be. She wondered if her mother had felt as distraught as her; she certainly didn't show it when she grabbed a bottle of vodka and left the house. But then again, maybe drinking herself to death was her way of dealing with not being the mother she was supposed to be.
The detective sighed as she closed her eyes, wondering if someday she'd go down that path too. She knew this whole situation was hard on Ben and Alex, but she didn't realize how hard it had hit her within the last hour. She was a mother, albeit untraditionally, and she was tasked with caring for Ben and Lexie like they had come from her womb.
Would she be able to do it? Or would she turn into her mother, turning to the bottle instead, isolating herself from the ones she loved?
The drop in her stomach caused her to push off the wall before seeking out Alex who was just stepping out of the shower. The blonde paused before entering her bedroom, eyeing Olivia for a second who was still standing in her room. "Is everything okay?" Alex questioned as she regarded the detective curiously before walking into the room, completely ignoring the fact that she was wrapped up in only a towel.
Olivia bit her lip, before looking up at Alex. Seeing the look of concern on the blonde's face gave her the courage to bite the bullet. "I think I should start seeing Dr. Marks."