When Olivia returned, a little after three am, she was destroyed, mentally and physically. Her body ached, especially her left side of her ribcage and the underside of her right eye, both placed that she had took punched during the take down of their suspect. But that was nothing compared to the aching in her heart that she felt, still going strong three hours after finding the body of a seven year old boy, bloodied and bruised, in a twisted pile among every day trash.
Abducted and killed in a matter of hours and there was absolutely nothing that she could do about it. She wondered if it would've made a difference if Elliot had called her the moment he had gotten the case rather than two hours afterwards. The abductor had admitted to killing the boy an hour after abducting him but she still felt guilty, as if she could've done more and she should've done more. That was someone's son, nephew, grandson, best friend, brother.
With a heavy heart, she trudged to the guest bathroom, quickly shedding her clothes and turning on the shower. She stepped underneath the water, not bothering to wait until it was hot. Sometimes the stinging cold felt good. It reminded her that she was alive. After a few seconds, the water turned steaming hot and she still didn't have the energy to change the temperature so she stood underneath it, allowing the scalding water to pound against her skin and wash away the grime that she felt.
After almost thirty minutes, Olivia finally turned off the water and exited the shower, her movements sluggish. She wrapped a towel around her torso, wincing at the feeling of the fabric brushing up against her raw skin, before stepping out of the bathroom. All she wanted to do was sleep.
She stepped out of the bathroom and turned toward Alex's room before stopping abruptly. As much as she wanted to crawl into bed with the blonde and hold her close, feeling her heart beat, she couldn't fathom climbing into bed with her while she felt so filthy.
So instead she turned to her former bedroom, a room she hadn't slept in for over a month even though the bed was still made and a few of her things still resided in the dresser. She pushed the door open without much thought and grabbed some underwear and an oversized shirt, quickly changing into both.
She turned toward the bed, her tired eyes barely glancing at it before catching sight of an unexpected shape. She rubbed her eyes for a second before taking a step closer. In the center of her bed was Alex, curled up into a tight ball with Olivia's pillow squished between her arms and against her chest.
Olivia bit her lip, debating on whether she should wake the blonde or just go sleep on the couch. Her curiosity got the better of her and she sat down on the edge of the bed, placing her hand on an exposed shoulder. "Alex."
Alex stirred for a second before her eyes flashed open, blinking a few times before squinting up at Olivia. "Liv," She whispered, her voice thick and hoarse, but not from sleep. Olivia could barely make out the swollen eyes and smudged makeup that indicated that Alex had been crying which must have inevitably lured her to sleep. "I didn't expect you home."
"I didn't either." The detective didn't know what else to say. She didn't want to push her pain off onto Alex especially since it appeared as if she was going through something as well. Olivia couldn't help but feel guilty, wondering if she was the cause of Alex's earlier crying.
Alex leaned up slightly, propping herself up on one arm as she leaned closer to Olivia, her eyes searching the brunette's tired face. The blonde's face contorted in recognition, as she used her free arm to cup Olivia's cheek. "Oh Liv," She whispered, knowing that the dejection in those normally happy brown eyes meant that a child had died. "I'm so sorry," She whispered again, this time pulling Olivia closer to her as she wrapped her arms around Olivia's shoulders. "I'm so sorry, honey."
The seconds ticked by in silence before Olivia finally let out the sob that she had been holding in, her head burying itself against Alex's t-shirt as she gripped onto the front of it, crumpling up the soft material in her fist. They stayed there for a few minutes, one of Alex's hands cupping the back of Olivia's head and holding her close as the other soothingly ran up and down her back. She didn't dare say anything to the detective, knowing that there was nothing to say that could make her feel better.
After twenty minutes, when Alex felt as if Olivia had exhausted her entire body, she slowly lowered herself against the mattress, taking the detective with her. Olivia laid down on the bed without protest, her arms immediately wrapping around Alex and pulling her closer as she rested her head against Alex's left breast, allowing herself to fall asleep to the sound of Alex's strong heartbeat.
When Olivia woke up, she was surprised to find herself alone. She remembered the night before in perfect detail, even though she didn't want to, and she knew it wasn't like Alex to just abandon her come morning. She leaned up slightly and glanced at the clock, realizing that it was already ten which could potentially explain why Alex was already out of bed.
Despite her body craving more sleep, she slipped out of the bed and pulled on a pair of sweatpants before searching for Alex. She found the blonde in the kitchen cleaning up breakfast, her back turned to her. Olivia watched her for a few moments, not saying a word until Alex turned around, jumping slightly when she noticed the brunette standing there.
"Morning. I left a plate of eggs and bacon in the microwave for you. Thirty seconds should do the trick," Alex stated as she opened up a cabinet and pulled out a mug. She wandered over to the coffee pot and filled it up before holding it out to Olivia, her gaze purposely trying to avoid the dark purple bruise surrounding Olivia's eye.
"Are we not going to talk about last night?" Olivia questioned as she took the cup before setting it back down. She knew Alex noticed the bruise and it wasn't the first time that she had come home with an injury. It was, however, the first time that Alex didn't immediately demand an explanation.
"What is there to talk about? You never want to tell me about your cases and you never want to let me in."
"Alex—"
"No, don't Alex me," The blonde interjected as she turned away from Olivia and pressed a button on the microwave, causing it to come to life. "I know what happened, Liv. Elliot called me this morning to let me know. At least someone tells me what's going on."
"I let you in…last night—"
"Bullshit, Olivia. We both know the only reason last night happened was because you were trying to avoid me by sleeping in the guest room. Don't even try to lie to me about that." Olivia's gaze dropped to the ground, unsure what to say since the blonde was right. "You keep…you keep pulling shit like this Olivia. How do you expect me to be in a relationship with you when you can't even come to me during a moment like last night?"
"Alex, that's not fair," Olivia argued as she took a step closer to the blonde, Alex matching her with a step back.
"No, Liv, it is fair because you're doing it to yourself. I've let you get away with sleeping on the couch a few times, giving me the cold shoulder, not talking to me after difficult cases but I can't keep going on like this!"
"What do you want from me then?" Olivia snapped as she took another step to Alex, anger apparent in her features. "What do you want, huh Alex? Want me to tell you a little boy was murdered because some twisted fuck decided to abduct him but got freaked out when an Amber Alert was issued? Do you want to know how he snapped his legs because the little boy tried to run? How—"
"Stop it!"
"No, you want me to open up to you so I'm telling you what I had to see yesterday."
"Shut up!"
"He was murdered for doing absolutely nothing and then tossed in the trash—"
"Shut up, shut up!" Alex screamed as she finally lunged at the detective, shoving her backwards just enough to get her point across. "I want you to trust me, Olivia! I want you to open up to me about your pain and anger not that!"
"That is where my pain and anger come from, Alex, and until you work a day in my shoes, you will never understand what I go through on a daily basis."
Alex shook her head as she turned away from Olivia. "I don't want to pretend to know what you go through, Liv. I just want to be there for you. I want you to stop running from me." She paused as she glanced back at Olivia, her eyes shimmering with the beginning of tears but she wouldn't let them fall, not now. "I want you to tell me that you're in a relationship with me because you want me to play a bigger part in your life, not just because it's convenient to make out with me and touch me whenever you want."
"How could you say that about me?" Olivia spat out as her face contorted with disgust. "I love you, Alex. I do everything I do to protect you!"
Alex shook her head as she swiped away an invisible tear. "Then prove it." They stared at each other for a few seconds before Olivia quickly left the room. Alex followed her to her bedroom, pausing as the detective grabbed a duffel bag out of the closet. "What the hell are you doing?"
Olivia didn't bother looking at her as she opened up a drawer and pushed all of her clothes into the duffel bag before moving on to the next one. "Stop it!" Alex cried out as she ran over to Olivia and shoved the drawer closed.
"You want me to prove that I love you? This is me proving it, Alex. Obviously I'm doing nothing but hurting you by staying here and treating you the way I do." Olivia scoffed as she stepped away from the dresser and instead went to the closet, pulling out her jackets.
"This is you running, Olivia! You're pathetic; you're fucking pathetic! You're running from all your problems, you're running from me, you're running from Ben and Lexie and somehow in your twisted mind you're doing it all because you love me?"
Olivia ignored her as she pulled another jacket out, shoving it in the bag only to have the bag pulled from her hands. "Alex—" Olivia muttered as she reached out for the bag.
"No!" Alex screamed out as she pulled away from Olivia and turned the bag upside down, pouring all of the contents onto the floor. "Don't you dare argue with me. You're not leaving and that's final. Now put your fucking stuff back in the damn dresser. If you really don't love me like the way you're acting then take your stuff from my room and move back in here but you will not abandon those two children. Do you understand me?"
Olivia merely nodded as Alex shoved the duffel bag back into her arms and headed toward the door, stopping only for a second. "I love you, Olivia. That's why I was in your room last night; I couldn't sleep without you next to me and that pillow still smells like you so I curled up with it, waiting for you to get home. That's love. Not packing your bags and trying to leave just because things get tough between us. If you really love me you'll sleep in our bed tonight, just like every night for the past month." And with that, Alex left the room, leaving Olivia with a pile of clothes on the floor.
Olivia left the apartment half an hour later, without a bag in hand. When she returned later that night, neither her nor Alex said a word to each other at the dinner table as they both tried to act normal for Ben and Lexie.
When ten pm rolled around and Alex found herself in bed alone, she sighed, wondering if she was too hard on Olivia. It was true that she had no clue what the brunette was going through but she had no right to attempt to just walk out on her when things got a little rough. That wasn't how relationships were supposed to work, despite what Alex's experiences with other lovers told her.
With one more glance to the door, she set her book on her nightstand and took off her glasses, placing them on top of the book. She slipped out of bed just long enough to turn off the light before sliding back under the covers, curling up on Olivia's side rather than her own.
When sleep didn't come easily, she spent the next hour tossing and turning, wondering if Olivia was as miserable sleeping alone as she was. Just as she began to drift off into a tortured sleep, images of Olivia packing a bag filling her mind, she heard her door creak open, much like it did when Ben had a nightmare.
She sighed softly, knowing it was going to be a long night if he was having trouble sleeping as well. She waited in silence for a moment for him to whisper her name before crawling into bed with her but no sound came.
She turned slightly, narrowing her eyes as she looked at the tall figure in the corner of her room facing her. The figure took a few steps forward, Olivia's face now partially visible in the dark. The brunette continued to look at her, admiring her in silence and Alex let her.
A few seconds later, Olivia walked a bit closer so that Alex could clearly see her face. "I can't sleep without you," Olivia admitted in a whisper, not moving another inch without hearing permission from the blonde first.
Alex studied her for a moment before sliding over on the mattress and lifting up the covers for Olivia. The brunette wasted no time in accepting the offer and quickly slipped in next to Alex, sighing in relief when she felt the covers drop down around her. She smiled in the dark at Alex, reaching out to touch the blonde.
"I'm so sorry," She whispered, her fingers brushing up against Alex's cheek gently. "I don't know what I was thinking Alex. Sometimes it just feels like everything comes falling down around me and I can't keep the weight of it all on my shoulders. In the past I was always given an ultimatum by my significant others. Them or the job. I couldn't just leave the job and today I thought you were asking me to do that for you."
"Liv, I would never—"
"I know," Olivia interrupted as she carefully pressed a finger against Alex's soft lips. "I know that now, Alex. But I want you to know that I would." Silence engulfed them for a few seconds before Olivia continued. "I would give up my job for you and the kids because I love you and I know I didn't act like that today when I tried to leave. I swear to you I will never try anything like that again. Just please, please forgive me, Lex."
"You need to prove to me that you're here to stay, Liv. You can't just freak out like that and try to leave; I won't always be there to stop you. So prove to me that you're here to stay and that you want this to work between us and I'll forgive you." Olivia nodded in understanding before reaching out for Alex.
The blonde shifted slightly, avoiding the touch before leaning toward Olivia. "Just let me pretend, at least for tonight, that everything is okay. Let me hold you." Alex slid across the mattress, closing the foot gap between them and allowing her body to be engulfed by strong arms. She sighed contently against the detective's chest, wondering how things had gone so haywire within a day. She was just glad that Olivia was back in their bed, hopefully to stay there for many more years.