I don't want to move.

I don't want to open my eyes.

I don't want to do anything but stay here.

It was just too damn early.

And I swear, I had only slept for five minutes.

I just want to sleep forever. What would be good about waking up? I wouldn't be rested enough to be productive.

I might see Bella, but that excitement turns to lead when I remember how things are between us.

She didn't make any lately. I didn't understand her anymore. Her wants were just so weird and wrong. She wanted Edward and to be a vampire? How does Charlie let her use a knife at dinner?

I could have listed a million reasons why I would be a better choice, but thinking about that made me think about opening my eyes because thoughts are so much louder when your eyes are closed.

So I thought about how soft my bed was and great it felt after late hours of patrolling.

I wonder what time it is. I could hear their footsteps every once in a while. That wasn't a problem before my hearing got better. Good thing I could sleep through a hurricane. A lot of people would be bothered by hearing people all night.

I listened for a while. A door opened and closed. Footsteps past my door. Ugh, Edward.

Go away, I yelled internally at him. Bad thing about reading minds was that you heard what everybody thought about you. Not that I'm feeling sympathetic for him.

In response, he turned on his stereo, blasting a dramatic classical composition through my walls. I groaned and buried my face in my pillow. Laughter also came through the wall.

I wanted to leave, but I didn't know where to go. I felt too exhausted to run. I thought about going to Sam and Emily's, but they'll be asleep, and I've already done my fair share of putting them out.

I'm not going to school anymore. I missed too much at St. Frank's to finish my sophomore year at a real school. That's the problem with telling too much of the truth. The people in Forks knew I went to that school so we couldn't just say I had been in school there. Someone would call the dean at St. Frank's for a reference, and Forks would want to hold me back.

I could have continued at La Push, but now that my family's home, it would be too suspicious. Suspicion is not in the interest of neither wolf nor Cullen. Anyway, it goes against our already shady cover story.

The current cover story is that I was kidnapped by a sadistic man who wanted ransom to pay his debts. It was no secret that the Cullens were loaded. We had to work with what Edward told Charlie. I was presumed dead by the police but found when all hope was lost and returned to my family, shaken but unharmed. It was a big lie, but big enough to work with help from Charlie's account.

So everyone thought I was being home-schooled so I can process the ordeal and be with my family. Gwen and Devon are, as always, just going along with it. He isn't happy about it though. Gwen is very close to learning the wolf truth so she's working out theories that connect what she knows about the truth that connected me to Paul and the other guys.

I had a lot of problems. I always had, but I used to be a little more optimistic. Was I naive then and wise now in the dark side of the world? Or is there always a reason to hope and now I just can't find one? I tried to list all of my troubles, but there was one recurring theme.

There was no one place to belong, no sense of balance. Was I more Quileute or Cullen? Should I continue to keep secrets or let go of those who can't know? Should I fight for Bella or just surrender and let her and Edward be happy while I tried to get over her?

I had a lot of choices to make and a lot of things out of my hands to deal with. The problem was that one choice could separate me from other places where I belong.

I realized that Bella may be having the same problem. She says she loves Edward, but I know she loves me too. She just doesn't know it. Edward has her under his control, but I was the one who came back first. I tried to put her back together. It's too late for her to go back to Edward and the way things were before he crumpled her up like paper. She loves me too. She's in too deep with me to deny it.

"Jake, your life is jacked up," Devon said. I had gone to talk to my friends about my dilemma. Well, some of my dilemmas. Secret comes first. As always.

"I concur," Paul said, "It makes me want a drink."

"Well, Paul, you have a problem," Devon said.

"You're sheltered," Paul shot at him.

"La Push isn't exactly the hood, Paul," I said.

"We walked by your house. It's the same size as mine," Devon said.

"Yeah...I'm just an asshole," Paul said. We all laughed and agreed.

"And I know for a fact that your alcoholic history is not nearly as bountiful as you make it out to be. For one, you've never really been wasted," I said, exploiting the information I had heard in his head. Our metabolism is too fast for alcohol to be effective so we can't really get drunk.

"Seriously. I mean, it's not even that big a deal, just drinking like at parties. Everybody's done it," Devon said.

"They have?" I asked. When was everybody doing this?

"Oh, that's right! Jake missed football season! He never went to any of the Varsity victory parties!"

"I wasn't there so there can't have been too many," I said.

"Hey, Devon!" Paul called, "I'm sure Jake got pretty wild at St. Frank's. I heard once that he used to unbutton his collar!"

"I didn't know such a wild, unhinged beast we had with us today!" Devon exclaimed, qualifying himself for the World Sarcasm Championships.

"Jeez, Jake. You need to get out more," Paul said.

"I've been busy."

"Yeah, being 'kidnapped' when you're really here," Devon grumbled.

"You mad, bro?" I asked uneasily. I didn't want him to feel like that because then I had to separate myself from him. I had had to do it before, but Devon was the longest friend I'd ever had.

"No," he said, "Because I know I'll get it out of you eventually."

I laughed. "Sure you will."

"Where there's a will, there's a way," he said.

Now I felt weird because I knew he wasn't going to figure it out. It's too out there. But I can let him think he will. It might be what keeps our friendship alive.

Talking to my friends hadn't helped me erase the things weighing my mind. I didn't really expect to find answers here anyway. I feel less alone now though. Since my family came back, I've been strangely lonely.

I think I know why. With the distance from them, I was only with the pack. Now I was going from side to side, never having someone that belonged to both as well.

If I want to be on one side or with one person, is that simply where I should be? I don't know the difference between wanting to be somewhere and not wanting to leave another. I just know that there is one.

I don't want to make a choice, but everything feels like they won't stay straight. I have to be more one side than the other. Cullen and Black aren't meant to live in the same body.