Notes: In which it may not really be a surprise that nobody ever figured out Loki is adopted.
Warnings: Feels, again.
Chapter Twenty-Two
As he crossed the living area to greet his brother, Loki experienced a sense of misgiving: he had for centuries assumed his lying smile concealed his true feelings from his family, from Asgard. (He did not think he had ever used it on his housemates- he had not ever had to.) But Father had seen right through it only a day or so ago. And, if he believed their words- which he now did- it appeared his parents, at least, had nearly always known when there was something wrong with him, even though they had generally not acted on that knowledge.
Loki was a talented liar, but he had always known that many of his lies had depended upon the tendency of others to want to believe them. Apparently, too, at least some of them had also depended on those he lied to choosing to pretend to believe them.
Thor, of course, knew when there was something wrong with Loki, and he could be depended upon to try to help. There was, most times, great comfort in knowing that.
This was not one of those times, because Loki's visit here was short and could not be wasted in petty grievances. And besides, the last thing Loki wanted was to be seen whining to his brother that one of his victims had been unkind to him- especially not when the victim had been entirely concerned about Thor. The conflict between Thor's appreciation of Darcy's friendship, and his lifelong instinct to protect Loki, would surely be painful. There was even the chance Thor and Jane would rebuke Darcy for speaking so to Loki, and where was the justice in that?
He only needed a moment. He would be perfectly all right as soon as Thor and Jane's presence re-established the atmosphere of friendliness and welcome. He would think about Darcy's words at another time, some night when sleep was evasive. For the moment what he needed, and quickly, was a distraction.
Jane, bless her, unwittingly provided one.
"Hi, Loki," she said with a smile. "I hope Darcy's making you feel welcome?"
Out of the corner of his eye Loki was sure he saw Darcy blanch. He had already assessed her as one prone to mischief, but she was apparently not a liar, and she was either feeling guilty for confronting Loki, or worried that he would break his word and tell on her. Before anyone could take special note of her reaction, Loki blurted,
"She has! In fact, she provided the traditional welcome given members of our family, when first we come to New Mexico!"
Thor gave a humorous frown and asked, "What did she do- run you over with her car?" Loki put on a face of innocence, and waited. Thor's eyes widened. "Wait- she did? Loki, how did you manage that?"
"I do not see why you assume it was my fault," Loki sulked, exaggerating his offense.
"Well, surely she did not chase you across the desert," Thor pointed out.
"What did you do, land in the middle of the street when you arrived?" Jane asked.
"I may have forgotten the direction from which I should be expecting traffic, when I stepped off the curb," Loki admitted, again rather theatrically.
Jane burst out laughing, grabbed him by the hand, and- still giggling- asked, "Are you okay? I know it's really not funny, but- you seem to be walking all right so you can't be hurt, I wouldn't be laughing if you were hurt- "
"Hey, come on, I hardly even bumped him," Darcy said, having apparently found her tongue and realized Loki truly had no intention of, as she had put it, ratting her out. "He stepped out in front of me as I was pulling away from a stop sign. I just barely touched him."
"Are you sure you are not injured?" Thor asked, his amusement giving way to predictable, warming, concern.
"Entirely uninjured. It jolted my leg, but I was scarcely knocked off balance." Thor continued to look doubtful. Loki rolled his eyes. "If you wish me to prove it by dancing for you- "
"I feel sure you are not drunk enough for that, brother," Thor demurred, and Loki felt his chest expand with a full breath as he smiled at his brother.
"When I visited England, that last time, I did the same thing. I nearly walked right in front of a bus," Jane contributed. "Two old ladies- and I mean, old, one of them must have been ninety- grabbed me, and then they scolded me for a good ten minutes about being more careful. After that I looked both ways, and I also watched out for pensioners."
"I'm afraid to ask what you're talking about," said a man's voice from the doorway, and Loki looked over Thor's shoulder at the last member of the group as he entered the dwelling. "Erik Selvig," the man said, with a quick smile. He looked more polite than welcoming, but he extended a hand to shake.
Loki knew this Selvig was Jane's research colleague, not a relative, but he looked old enough to be her father, and Loki had gathered from Thor that the relationship was an affectionate one. That, Loki decided, was sufficient to account for the cool formality of his greeting, which Loki pretended not to notice as he shook hands. Jane, who was apparently not fooled, flicked a worried glance from Selvig to Loki, before acquiescing to the situation and smiling as if she thought everyone was friends here.
Which, of course, everyone was. Just not all of them with each other.
Most fortunately, everyone was hungry and it was already past the hour at which Jane and her friends normally dined. After washing of hands and carrying of food and utensils to the table, Loki took the seat to which he was directed, and joined the others in helping things around.
It was unclear whether Thor noticed a certain tension simmering underneath the surface- certainly, he was not dense, but Loki still considered it possible he might indulge in a little wishful thinking with regard to people he very much wanted to like each other.
He did, however, engage Darcy and Jane in a teasing exchange regarding their driving abilities ("Really, your ability to nullify powerful aliens with motorized vehicles rises almost to the level of a superpower!") that drew attention firmly away from Loki. It seemed unlikely he was not doing it on purpose.
Finally, though, he turned to Loki and asked, "Must you go back tonight? It would be very good if you could stay until tomorrow and visit a little. This is a strange and beautiful place."
"I would like nothing better," Loki said, almost truthfully. "But Annie needs my help with something, and so I must return tonight. Annie is a very dear friend of mine," he explained quickly, to Darcy and the quiet Selvig.
"Well," Jane said, helping herself to another potato, "you'll just have to come back soon, then." She smiled and indicated the dish to ask if he wanted more.
Loki had just leaned forward to accept the offer when Darcy said, in a strained voice,
"Seems like a person should put his family before his friends." She cut a look of panicky defiance at Loki and he realized what she was doing: rather than confess to the earlier confrontation- such as it was, Loki had certainly experienced far worse, in terms of being made to know he was unwelcome- she was going to hint at it, and try to compel Jane to react one way or the other. This was an undeniably childish thing to do, but since Loki had, more times than he could count, been guilty of similar behaviour, he was not inclined to fault her for it.
It was possible Darcy thought Jane would take her part, but based on her expression Loki considered it unlikely. He suspected this effort was serving the dual purposes of relieving Darcy's feelings, and acting as a tacit confession to her earlier behaviour.
Apparently, it was not only the royal family of Asgard who were unable to speak up fearlessly about their feelings. He supposed that was a nice thing to know.
Despite understanding Darcy's purpose, Loki found himself flushing uncomfortably, and could not resist peeking at Thor, to see if his brother gave anything away on hearing this.
Thor's face was tight, and his ears had gone rather pink. The glance he cast at Loki was uncomfortably complicated, but what he said, quietly, was:
"I assure you, Darcy, my brother does not require instruction on the importance of family." Darcy's expression made her doubts very clear, but Thor turned away without comment and said to Loki, "Of course you must keep your promise to Annie. She needs your support rather badly right now, does she not?" As Loki nodded, Thor went on, "But there is a matter you wish to discuss with me, is that right?"
"We can clear out for a bit so you two can talk," Jane offered, glancing at her two friends with an unmistakable air of command.
Selvig looked just as doubtful as Darcy had, and also perhaps as if his fatherly instincts might be extended to Thor. On the one hand, of course, that was ridiculous, since Thor was well over a thousand Midgardian years old. However, by Aesir standards he was still a young man, and there were certain kinds of support he had never received in Asgard. Loki- with what amounted to a whole network of kindly older mortals to share with him the benefit of their wisdom- was not inclined to minimize the value of what Selvig was offering.
"It is a family matter I wish to speak of, but there is no reason your friends cannot hear it, if you would like them to stay," Loki spoke up. He realized, with shame, that he had no idea how important Darcy and Selvig were to Thor: the subject of the two mortals simply never seemed to come up when the brothers were together. Knowing he was probably making Darcy's point for her, he added, "My friends are, after all, privy to almost everything about my life- although I have not told them about this just yet. I wanted to speak to you first."
Thor looked unaccountably as though he had been paid a compliment, which made Loki shrink a little inside. Selvig still looked doubtful, and Loki suspected the man thought Loki was about to confess to further betrayals, taking advantage of Thor's soft heart to escape his deserved punishment.
Which, of course, neatly summed up their history together, but this was the exception. A little feeling of rebellion rose in Loki as he repeated, "It is nothing your friends cannot hear. They are welcome to stay."
Jane looked from one brother to the other, then stood up and reached for Thor's empty plate.
"Tell you what: why don't you boys go sit in the living room and talk, and the rest of us will clean up out here. We can join you in a few minutes, if you want us."
"I made dinner," Darcy objected. "Well, part of dinner."
"Then we'll let you skip your next turn on dish duty," Jane replied remorselessly. "Thor, maybe you could put a fire on for us."
"Certainly," Thor replied, pushing back his own chair. "Thank you, Darcy, everything was delicious."
"I just made the meat loaf," Darcy admitted. "Loki did the vegetables." Really, she was a most contrary being.
"Thank you, too, brother," Thor corrected himself amiably. "Perhaps you can also help me with the fire."
"Of course," Loki mumbled.
Thor was, of course, perfectly adept with fires, and the fireplace in the living area was already made up with kindling, only waiting to be set alight. Loki cast a little glow of flame, and in a short time the fire was crackling merrily. In the kitchen, Jane was leading her friends in a muted clatter of washing-up. Thor gestured Loki to a seat on one end of the sofa, took the other himself, and asked,
"What is on your mind, brother?"
"I told Mother I would speak to you about this," Loki began. Now they were about to begin, Loki found himself casting about for words, wondering how to avoid the abruptness he had thoughtlessly inflicted on their mother. "It is really her story to tell, but... she finds it painful."
"What is it?" Thor prompted.
Loki took a deep breath. "Do you recall your memory, when you were very young, of Mother being with child?" Thor nodded, realization already beginning to show in his eyes. Loki still carried on: "It transpires you did not invent that memory after all. I was in Asgard for... another purpose... and it occurred to me to ask her. I am not sure why I did it, except that I never remembered you being a fanciful child." Thor's games had mostly involved pretended battles and glory, being like Father. Loki supposed it was unfair of him, to find it so hard to picture his brother's mind conjuring such a... domestic fancy. He felt a little guilty about that.
"I had supposed it was because... well, I was so proud to be your elder brother," Thor said thoughtfully, and Loki's heart twisted in his chest at the thought of how that pride had been repaid. "I assumed I had created the memory. Are you telling me she really was with child?"
Loki nodded. "Yes. His name was Kjartan." He was not sure why it was so important to him, to give the lost brother his name. "There was a misfortune during his birth, and he died." With a considerable effort of will, he did not look toward Selvig in the kitchen- if the scientist read mythology he would probably be convinced Loki had somehow had a hand in what happened, but there was no need to bring that up to Thor. He went on quickly, "Mother was, of course, devastated." He glanced at his brother. "It is still hard for her to even think of it."
Thor was clearly trying to put the facts together. "The baby died at birth?" he asked. Loki nodded. "And... when did Father- ?"
"When did he find me?" Loki asked, conscious of the others trying not to listen, and wondering exactly what Thor had told them about the circumstances under which he had joined the family.
He knew the Avengers knew, after all they had been through together there was little they did not know about him- he understood they had even seen him in Jotun form, although being dead at the time Loki did not remember much about the incident.
Of course, the Avengers needed to know Loki's history, needed to understand him the way they did each other, so as not to be surprised by weaknesses they should have been able to predict. Jane and her friends were Thor's only, and their role was more in the nature of Loki's with his housemates. While he thought Jane probably knew, he could not be sure- she would, of course, be interested in Loki only insofar as Loki affected Thor. And there was no reason to think Thor had spent much time talking about the specifics of Loki's life, when he was with the friends who had taken him in and offered him kindness after Loki got him banished.
Well, either they knew or they did not, and if they were curious Thor could explain things later.
Concentrating once again on his story, Loki said, "Father had been away at the war for most of Mother's pregnancy, and he knew the time was close when he entered the temple and found me. He said his first plan was to pass me off as the twin of the newborn he thought was waiting for him in Asgard."
"But that means- " Thor began, and hesitated. "It means that what he said- "
Loki nodded. "Yes. It means that story he told the court- the garbled explanation he tried to give me in the weapons vault- those were lies. He only tried to think of a use for me afterward, and I think that was mostly in case anyone ever remembered the dead baby- in spite of Father's magic- and realized I was a changeling."
Thor shook his head. "Then why in the Nine would he have told you what he did in the vault? Especially since the plans would have stood no chance of working in the first place?"
Loki shrugged. "He was, of course, not thinking very clearly at the time, but I wonder now if he might have had some idea of trying to convince me I was important, too. I was not the heir, not favoured, not beloved of Asgard- but I had a purpose, and a value as well."
Thor pressed his fingertips to his forehead, as though in pain. "And, of course, he would actually have done much better to tell you instead- "
"I was sickened with killing, and you were such a dear little thing," Loki completed the thought, in a mock-coo. Sobering, he admitted, "I might have been too hysterical to listen to that, either, but it was definitely a time when a little honesty might have actually helped."
"I confess, I find it hard to picture Father thinking that way," Thor admitted.
"You just wait until you give him his first grandchild," Loki predicted. "I suspect you are in for the surprise of your life." He felt a little twist in his heart and squashed it ruthlessly: he had more than he deserved already, and would not whine for more. Hastily picking up the thread of his story, he explained, "He brought me to Mother, and that was when he learned there was no baby awaiting him in Asgard after all. Mother agreed to keep me, Father swore Heimdall to secrecy, then placed appropriate charms on the memories of Mother's attendants- word of the loss had not yet left Mother's household- and together they passed me off as theirs, until... I found out." He shrugged. "And now I come again, asking uncomfortable questions and winkling out secrets that only cause pain. Really, I have no idea why they are still so fond of me."
Thor smiled, reached over to pat Loki's knee. Then he said thoughtfully, "It is strange, is it not, that you were not given the name Mother had chosen already."
Loki blinked. He did not find it strange at all, and said so: "That name belonged to the other baby."
Thor also looked confused. "But that child never lived, and Mother had you. Would she not- ?"
It would do no good to throw a lamp at Thor's head, Loki told himself. All these years, and Father had never known Kjartan's name until Loki had asked it. There was no unkindness meant by either of them. Loki was still deeply grateful he had persuaded Mother to let him tell Thor.
"He was alive to Mother," Loki pointed out, as patiently as he could. "I was a completely different child. She loved me then and loves me now, but she carried that other child, and felt him move, and imagined what he would look like and how he would grow and... And then she had to behave as if he had never existed at all. It would have been better if they really had pretended I was a twin, so Mother would have been able to properly grieve for Kjartan."
Thor raised his eyebrows. "Now that does sound like something you would think of- kindly meant, but over-complicated."
"Well, over-complicated, anyway," Loki agreed. "There was enough that could have gone wrong as it was. But I do wish Mother had been able to... She blamed herself, you know. She spoke of finding nursery attendants who would keep us safe. I suppose... that must be why she held herself at such a distance from us, even though she wanted- " He broke off suddenly, at the expression on Thor's face. "What?"
Thor winced. "I was just remembering... something else I thought I must have imagined. I remember, a little, Mother being affectionate, calling me to her, with no attendant bringing me into her presence. She was just there, and I could go to her as I wished, climb into her lap. It was different, after... "
"After I came," Loki completed the thought. Oh, brother, I really do ruin everything, do I not?
"It was not your fault," Thor said stoutly, and that much was true, really: of course Loki had nothing to do with what happened to Kjartan, was not the reason Mother had been so afraid.
And, of course, no one had known what caused the queen to suddenly lose all confidence in her abilities as a mother, so no one had reassured her. Certainly no one had reassured the little boy who was, in his own mind, suddenly banished from his mother's presence, exiled to a nursery, with servants and the whining little creature who must have seemed to be the reason it happened.
There must have been resentment. There was no way it could have been avoided.
"And yet you were kind to me," Loki murmured. "You let me cling to you for as long as you could stand it, and then I... Oh, Thor, I am so sorry- "
Something twisted in Thor's face, and he leaned forward with sudden urgency.
"Brother," he said, almost harshly, and his tone and expression made Loki flinch. "Stop. Apologizing. To me." There was sudden silence in the kitchen, Jane and the others finally abandoning all pretense of not listening. Thor, still with an unreadable look on his face, raised his voice to call to them: "Would you please come join us? I think I prefer to say this only once, if I can help it."
Jane, looking very serious, led the way into the living area, took a seat in the chair nearest Thor. Darcy and Selvig also seated themselves, and Loki braced himself for whatever Thor suddenly felt such a need to tell them all.
Thor looked around at his friends, who were there to support him, as the Bristol household were there for Loki. Darcy was clearly suppressing an expression of avid interest, and Selvig looked rather worried. Jane alone seemed to know what was coming, had of course already been taken into Thor's confidence. She glanced once at Loki, and there was no dislike in her glance. Of course not. Jane was like Thor that way, generous and kind to a fault.
"Brother," Thor's voice broke into Loki's thoughts. "You have been asking about my... feelings... when I was banished."
"When I betrayed you," Loki corrected quietly. There was no point in trying to spare his own feelings, after all this. Not in front of his brother's friends.
Thor winced again, and looked around at those friends. "You know I came here in exile, having been banished by my father. I am not sure I ever explained to all of you exactly why I was banished."
"It was his fault," Darcy spoke up. "Your friends told us that, remember?" Loki kept his face carefully impassive, although his eyes were beginning to sting.
And Thor smiled suddenly. It was not a happy smile. "Well, partly, perhaps. Loki set something in motion that he could not control, and his reasons for doing so were... not praiseworthy. But the immediate reason for my banishment was, I conducted a murderous raid on the palace of Jotunheim, and so provoked a war with that realm. Whatever Loki did, it is perhaps important to remember that what I did was of my own free will, and my punishment for it was deserved. I was stripped of most of my powers and sent here to learn a little humility. Which, if you recall, did not begin at all well, and led to my imprisonment by SHIELD." Loki cringed inside at the thought, and Thor looked back at him. "I told you that Loki came to see me."
"And told you a lot of cruel lies," Selvig said evenly. "Although we only knew they were lies after your friends came."
"Yes," Loki agreed quietly. "I did. There was no excuse for it."
"I remember how glad I was to see you," Thor went on, as though no one had spoken. "I was sure you had come to help me, as you always did. I looked at you and... And you know, it was the first time I had done that in longer than I can remember."
"Done what?" Darcy asked, when the pause had become uncomfortable. Loki, who had no idea what Thor was talking about, looked in confusion at his brother.
"Looked at him," Thor said. "I generally did not, you know. Not unless I needed something from him. Before my intended coronation, after it was disrupted, the whole time we were on Jotunheim and Loki was trying to talk our way out of disaster- an effort that seemed dishonorable to me- I do not think I looked at my brother once. He was there, filling his accustomed role as my stooge, in his accustomed place at my heel, offering me help when I needed it, and I did not have to look at him or pay him any attention. And it had been thus for longer than I could remember. Centuries.
"But this time, when you came to me, brother, you had been made king until Father woke, and you knew you were a creature I had always sworn to kill, to wipe out. I think you told me, once, that you thought I might have known."
"Yes," Loki said finally. "I thought... We were so close, when we were very young. But then you left me, you found new friends and would not let me share them. I could not understand it when we were children, but after I found out what I was, I thought... I thought Father must have told you, when you were old enough to understand, must have explained that I was not really your brother, but that I could still be useful, and you must keep up the pretense until the time came for me to serve my purpose. I thought that was why you wanted nothing to do with me, except- "
"Except when you were useful to me," Thor finished the thought for him. "And then you learned the truth, or what you thought was the truth, about yourself. Father's attempts at reassurance sounded more like confessions, Mother was worse than useless, and you must have been furious, furious and terrified, when you came to deal with me. Did you think, perhaps, that when I learned what you were, I might carry out against you the threats I had always made against the Jotnar?"
"Of course not," Loki whispered, and had no idea whether he spoke the truth.
Thor, to his relief, did not pursue the question. "Of course you could not let me come home then, that would have made your position untenable. But you also believed I had been part of the deception... and then I, who had scorned you, was suddenly so glad to see you, when I needed help. Once again, when I wanted something- "
"That is not fair," Loki mumbled.
"But it is the truth," Thor replied remorselessly. "I had not thought of you once in my exile, any more than I had thought of you at any time before- "
"Well, why would you?" Loki argued. "You had plenty of other things on your mind- "
"- unless I needed you," Thor repeated, again as though Loki had not spoken. "And then, when my friends came to retrieve me, to replace you on the throne of Asgard- "
"But you were the heir," Darcy argued. "Loki was only king because he had tricked everyone. It was supposed to be you."
"It was," Thor agreed. "Until I attacked a neighbouring realm and started a war. My friends conveniently left that part out, but the fact remains that I was banished for acts that were my own. Of course Loki should also have been punished for his part in setting all that in motion, but that does not negate the punishments I earned for myself. I was not some harmless innocent, regardless of what my friends told you, and regardless of how I behaved toward all of you, who were being kind to me and had earned my protection." Loki opened his mouth to object, but Thor gave him a look of such concentrated command that he closed it without uttering a syllable.
"And then, when it looked like my friends were going to bring me back, so I could punish you for having the temerity to take your place in the succession, force you back into your old role- you rather lost your head, did you not, brother?" Thor said. "What you did, with the Destroyer- "
"I believe the word you are searching for is tantrum, brother," Loki said stiffly.
"Yes, I suppose it was," Thor agreed. "And there is no excuse for what you did to the town." And that was true: Darcy was quite right to take him to task for that. Only... she had not: she had only spoken of how shamefully he had treated Thor. "And then," Thor said, "when it became clear my friends were no match for the Destroyer, I went to... reason with you."
"And if you had not," Loki admitted, "if you and your friends had not been there, what might I have done to the mortals?" He could not look at the humans, but Thor's eyes held his.
"Yes, of course, brother," he said. "If it had not been for us, think of what you might have sent the Destroyer to do in Midgard." Loki looked down, twisting his hands together, and nodded. Thor sighed.
"Thor, it's true," Darcy said. "If it hadn't been for you- "
"Darcy," said Thor, "think. Why was the Destroyer sent to Midgard?" Loki did not understand, could not look at his brother, but Darcy stopped objecting. Thor went on, "I recognized that my friends could not defeat the monster, that what force of arms we could muster was not enough. And I knew it had to be sent for me. By you. You, who had been my faithful follower, who obeyed and supported me, had suddenly betrayed and lied to and hurt me. I had to stop it, and so I said whatever I could think of, to try to calm you so that you would stop.
"And it worked: you killed me, and let everyone else go."
Loki looked up in desperation, losing the battle not to cry. "I did not mean to. I… I did not believe I could really hurt you. Not Thor. And I was still angry that you did not- "
"That I did not understand? That I could stand there pleading ignorance, who had watched you drown in despair and loneliness before my eyes for six hundred years and more, and made no move to help you? That I could look you in the eyes and lie to you? You did not mean to kill me, you just wanted to backhand me in the face and stop my words?" Loki looked away, wishing he could put his fingers in his ears, and Thor went on,
"And then my strength came back, and my first thought was to punish you. You see how long my new humility lasted. I still do not understand why Mjolnir did not fall from my hand at that moment. I planned to go back to Asgard, remove you from the throne, beat you into submission if I had to. If you had appeared sane when you confronted me, I would certainly have done it. But when I saw the state you were in, I thought only to stop you, perhaps imprison you until Father woke- even if you had not done what you did to Jotunheim, of course you must be punished for taking your place in the succession, instead of defying everyone to put me back in my old place, whether I had earned it or not. You see how well my lesson had been learned.
"And so we fought, and so you fell.
"But then I missed you, more than I ever imagined I could. You, not your magic when it was useful, or your blades when I needed them. I missed the little boy who had held my hand. And I was… so hurt. I kept thinking of my little brother, my baby, and thought of what he had done to me. I thought... he must be lost to me forever.
"I missed you, and I would haunt the library, sit in the places I was told you liked to sit, looking at books I was told you liked to read. And after a while Father broke the enchantments that protected your rooms from me- not from servants, not from Mother, only me- and I would go there and sit among your things, and I would think of you.
"And always, I remembered you as my loving baby brother, the little one who trusted and looked up to me. Never as the young man you were, who was grown so handsome and so tall, and who I did not know at all.
"It was only after I met you in your new home that I realized, I thought of you at that age because that was the only time in our lives when my treatment of you did not fill me with shame. I ran from you, left you behind and did my best to drive you away. And when you would not go, no matter what I did to you, I used your talents for my own acclaim and told myself it was leadership." Loki started to protest and Thor waved him to be still. "And even after you died, I would not be honest, even to myself, and admit how much fault I bore in… not your actions, perhaps, but the way your mind and your heart had been twisted and damaged until those actions were possible.
"I had nightmares, after that. I never remember having bad dreams until then, but I would dream of falling. Of watching you fall. Of lying on the ground, looking up at the Destroyer, only in the dream it would turn into me, and my friends were there too, just as big, standing over me, and I was tiny, with my bones broken and blood running down my throat from my nose, choking me, just like you that time you insulted Sif and we lured you into the woods and nearly killed you.
"I would wake, and lie there afraid to go back to sleep, and I would wonder how many nights you had lain in bed unable to sleep, wondering whether things would ever get any better or whether you were condemned to be that lonely for as long as you lived.
"And then, you know, it did not seem so unreasonable, that you had been unable to stand it, that you had finally given way. And when I thought of how I had treated you for so long- "
"Thor, no," Loki finally interrupted, desperately wiping his streaming eyes. "I earned that. After what I did to you, all that I did, I deserved- " The look on Thor's face stopped him. Jane wore the same expression, one he could not understand. "What?"
Jane glanced at Thor, leaned carefully forward. "Loki, do you... you do remember the order things happened in, don't you?"
"What?" Loki asked stupidly, looking from her to Thor, Darcy and Selvig swimming in the periphery of his vision. "Of course I-"
Thor reached over, laid a gentle hand on Loki's knee, recaptured his brother's attention. "You have asked me how I felt about the things you did to me. I did feel hurt, Loki. I felt hurt and betrayed, and terribly sad. And then I remembered what I had done to you, how I earned your anger and helped drive you to desperation, and now I feel shame and sorrow- and guilt for feeling hurt in the first place." Loki watched in horror as Thor's eyes welled up, and he blundered on, "When people behave as though I was entirely innocent, and your actions came from nowhere, and I am great-hearted for still calling you brother, I want to hide somewhere. And when you act as though I have done something wonderful, forgiving you for finally turning on me after all those centuries, the shame is almost unbearable. I know it is part of my penance, the way your guilt and shame toward the Jotnar- who really were innocent- is yours. But it can be very hard to bear."
Loki could not stand it anymore. "Brother, don't," he protested, scrambling toward Thor and wrapping his arms around him. "Please don't. I'm sorry, Thor, I'm so- "
Thor, his arms tight around Loki, doubled up a fist and thumped it gently on his back. In a voice made nearly unrecognizable by tears, he said into his brother's shoulder: "Loki. Stop. Apologizing. To me. Please- stop."
"I'm- " Loki caught himself, instead murmured soothingly, "All right. All right, Thor." He cast a desperate glance at Jane, cut his eyes toward the other two. Please take them away. They should not see him like this.
Jane did not move, but Selvig stood abruptly, held out a hand to Darcy, and ushered her hastily out of the cottage. He cast one complicated glance at Loki as they went, but did not seem to be hostile toward him for provoking such an outburst. Darcy looked like she might be close to tears, herself.
Loki shifted his grip on his brother to retrieve his replenished supply of clean tissues. After a long moment, Thor sat up and accepted them, but he did not move away from Loki. Loki, for his part, dared not apologize again for provoking all this, but with that route closed to him he had no idea what he should say.
Jane finally reached over and laid a comforting hand on Thor's arm. "All right. It's all right. You've been needing for him to know all that, and now he does. And he doesn't love you any less because of it, do you, Loki?"
"What?" Loki looked at his brother in astonishment. "Of course not. Why would I- ?"
"I was afraid," Thor muttered, "that if I... you have been behaving as if you could not remember much of what happened between us. I was afraid that if I reminded you, then you might- But it was not fair to leave you thinking only of your part, and believing you were the only one... I did not realize just how much your memory had turned back on you, but I should have known..."
"Whoa, there, big fella," Jane said, incomprehensibly but kindly. "There was no way you could have known that until he told you." She glanced at Loki. "How long have you been feeling this way?"
"What way?" Loki asked helplessly.
"Like the way you were treated as a kid was somehow punishment for the things you did as an adult, instead of a contributing factor." Loki looked at her blankly, and Jane sighed. "Tell you what: repeat this whole conversation to Annie sometime, when she's up to listening. I'm sure she'll be able to point out the part where you're getting confused. Okay?" Loki nodded. Jane reached up and ruffled Thor's hair affectionately. "All right. I know you've probably both got a lot more to say to each other, but is this maybe enough for one night?" The brothers traded a glance, and then both nodded. "Okay. Why don't you both wash your faces, and I'll go find Darcy and Erik. We could all probably use some ice cream right now."
~oOo~
The wind seemed even colder when Loki finally walked out of the cottage to take his leave a few hours later. Or perhaps it was only that his eyes still felt rather raw. In spite of that, he felt a great deal lighter than he had when he arrived. Darcy and Selvig wished him goodnight, and now there were no unsettling undertones in their manner.
Jane and Thor walked outside with Loki to see him off. Thor embraced him first.
"I am sorry it took me so long to gather the courage to tell you all this," Thor murmured. "And to be honest with my friends here. That was unfair of me." Loki wordlessly tightened his grip.
Jane, quite matter-of-fact, hugged Loki and pulled his head down so she could kiss him quickly on the cheek. "Well, that was a more stressful first visit than anyone was hoping for," she said, "but at least it's out of the way."
"I will be sure to leave a decent interval before I come bothering you again," Loki joked weakly, thinking it would indeed be a warm day on Jotunheim before he inflicted his presence on Jane's friends again.
"Oh, no," Jane replied firmly. "We said we wanted to show you around, and we meant it. You'll have to come back soon."
"Thank you," Loki managed, and turned back to embrace Thor once again. This time he said, "You really must not... do not think that way, brother. I could not ask for- "
Thor patted him. "I hope you know, if I could have only one brother, I am very glad that one is you. Tell your friends hello from me, and I am sure I will see you again soon."
Loki released Thor, turned a rather watery smile on both him and Jane, and reached toward Yggdrasil.
Notes: Ordinarily, I let a chapter speak for itself, rather than try to explain it in the notes. (For one thing, most readers are sharper than I am, anyway!)
However, in this one case I just want to make sure this is clear: Thor is every bit as subjective (and unfair to himself) as Loki, and his perspective, while real to him, should not be taken as objective truth any more than Loki's.