Chapter 9: In Too Deep

Ten minutes into the party I step outside and sit on the porch steps to get some air. There were way too many people in the house and even though some people were outside, mostly pack members because the cold temperature didn't bother them, the house still felt crammed. I shouldn't have come to this party; I knew it wasn't going to be fun. I just wish Seth would let me go, he told me to give it thirty minutes and then I could go home if I wanted. I was about to leave anyways but then he just told me I had nothing else to do until Jake came back from the Cullens and I'd probably just sit around the house and wait for him to return. I hated how pathetic that sounded so I stayed.

Now that I'm left to my thoughts on the quiet front porch I can't help but wonder why the Cullens needed to see Jake so urgently. I had a bad feeling, something told me something terrible was going to happen, and I grow anxious thinking of all the possibilities that they would need Jake. The possibilities worsened the more I thought about them, however they had one thing in common, they all ended with Jake and I separating.

"I should have known you'd be out here, you were never one for parties." Sam's voice enters my thoughts. I look up to him and plaster a smile on my face.

"I'm still not one for parties; my brother just likes to torture me." I tell him. I slide over, offering a seat beside me. I'm not sure why but for some reason that seemed to be what he wanted, and I didn't mind talking to him. Maybe it was because I'm so happy with Jake that I'm so much more forgiving of Sam. Maybe it's that time has slowly started healing me and the heartbreak isn't as fresh anymore. I don't know the reason, but something tells me talking to Sam is the right thing to do right now. Plus, the other option would be going back into the party, and I'm not ready to face all of those people with all of their questions about my future and the men I'm seeing and when I plan on starting a family.

"I'm glad you came, Leah." Sam says. "I haven't seen you in a while, and I've been meaning to talk to you."

"What do you want to talk about?" I ask him.

"Well first, Emily is pregnant. I wanted to be the one to tell you, I felt like I owed you that much. I mean if it was reversed, I would have wanted to hear the news from you." Sam tells me and tries to read my face.

I look to my shoes, and then to the sky. I release a breath. "That's great Sam!" I turn to look to him with a genuine smile. "I'm so happy for you. I mean you always wanted a family, that's wonderful that is starting for you."

"You aren't mad? You're not going to start pushing or shoving me telling me how much you hate me?" He asks seriously.

I smile a little more, "I've been a pretty big bitch to you haven't I?" I ask him.

"It was to be expected. I… I hurt you Leah. I broke all of those promises, shattered all of those good memories, I hurt you and I wouldn't have thought you would just brush it off and put on a smile." He tells me.

I look down and then back to him. "You didn't do that Sam. All this time I've known that it wasn't your fault. It's not like you picked Emily. She was picked for you. When you first broke up with me and I had no knowledge of imprints, I hated you Sam." My voice shakes when I say the word hate because I know it was the truth and it's a strong word but it's the only way I could describe my feelings for him. "I never wanted to see you again. I would wish that you would move away or that I could move away but it never happened. Then I changed and I became informed of the real reason you had to leave me, but my dad had just died and it is quite possible I'm the reason he died. I needed someone to be mad at, Sam. Typically the one who gets their heart broken has a reason to be mad at the one, who did it, but I didn't have a good reason, just the reason that you found your soul mate and you couldn't stay away from her." I look down, avoiding his eyes. "I hated that I wasn't that person for you, and I guess I needed someone to be miserable with me. I'm so sorry for that. I made the whole pack miserable along with you; soon it just got to be that I hated you without really remembering why. You didn't deserve any of that Sam."

I finally look up and meet his eyes again. "I know you never would have hurt me by choice. It still hurt though, even though you didn't mean to. We had plans, we were going to get married and have a big family and everything was going to be perfect. I got so upset when I realized that never would happen. That's why I couldn't stand to look at you or Emily. She had the life I had dreamed about for years and years. Now, it's easier to look and see how happy you are, how happy both of you are. Now, I'm seeing a different future, with different people and I'm not upset with you anymore."

Sam cautiously reaches over and takes my hand. His hand still feels so familiar against mine; it's amazing how time doesn't change that. "I hate what I did to you, Leah. I mean I loved you, I still do. I never wanted to hurt you. That last day we spent together, it was so hard for me; I didn't want to let you go. I mean how could I just let you go after all of those plans we made?" Sam's gaze never falters as he speaks, his eyes look into mine and I can't look away. "I knew that if I held onto you though we both would regret it and then you would definitely hate me. I was okay with you hating me, I mean it hurt, and I was guilty but I would have acted the same way if the roles were reversed. I couldn't blame you. I just missed you, I still do. That's why I always invite you to these dumb parties. I'm selfish and needed to see that you were doing okay. I mean you were my best friend, the one I told everything to, the one I loved, and I couldn't just stop caring."

I squeeze his hand and smile to him. "I will always care about you, Sam. You'll always be my first love."

"I'm glad we talked about that," Sam says and releases a breath of relief. "I feel like we understand it all just a little bit better." I smile and nod in agreement. "Can I ask you about something that might be personal, something that is probably none of my business?"

"Okay," I smile, "Go for it."

"Are you dating Jake?" Sam asks seriously.

"Maybe, why does it matter?" I ask him.

Sam sighs and pulls his hand away from mine. It goes to his face and runs over his face as if he's worried. "He's imprinted Leah."

"I'm aware of that." I tell him shortly. "Your point?"

"Do you want to torture yourself?" Sam asks me seriously. "He's imprinted, meaning he has a soul mate, someone he is supposed to be with, someone it pains him to be away from."

"He only loves her like a best friend." I tell him.

"Right now he doesn't love her in a romantic way. You know why that is Leah, it's because Nessie isn't ready for romance, when she is, he will love her that way as well as every other way there is to love someone." Sam says.

I shake my head, "He is choosing me, Sam. He's choosing to love me, to be with me."

Sam looks down and then meets my eyes. "If you really believed that could happen you wouldn't seem so scared talking about it. I don't want you to get hurt. You've been through this before, it doesn't end well." I look away from him. "I know you are going to do whatever you want. I just wish you would get out of this before you are in too deep. He isn't going to intentionally hurt you, but he'll shatter your heart before he leaves Nessie. The imprint bond is too strong, take it from someone who knows, who has tried to fight it." Sam takes my hand again and I can't get myself to push his hand away.

I look to him, "I love him, Sam." I blurt out. "I'm already in too deep. I can't walk away from him." I whisper to him. "You know how it feels; I'm too selfish to let him go when I can have him. Even if the odds aren't in my favor, if there is a slim chance that this can work out, that I can have him, I'm not letting him go. I need him, and I'm going to fight for him like he's fighting for me. It's different than when it was with you."

Sam shakes his head, "I don't want you to get hurt again. I know I lost my right to tell you what to do a long time ago. I just thought if there was a way I could stop your heartbreak before it happened then I should give it a try. But I'm already too late. And I know firsthand how stubborn you can be, one of my favorite traits about you." Sam smiles slightly. "Just be careful and I'm here if you ever need me."

I squeeze his hand and smile to him. "Thanks for caring."

He nods, "I should probably head back in. We're planning on telling everyone about our news. Will you be sticking around?"

I look in front of me and my eyes find Jake walking up. I get a big smile on my face. "I don't think so." I tell him.

"Have you told him you love him?" Sam whispers into my ear. I shake my head. "Maybe you should." He tells me. "See you later." He walks inside after waving to Jake.

I run to Jake and wrap my arms around him, and he wraps his arms around me. "What was that about?" He asks with a hint of jealousy in his tone.