Chapter 12: Lost
My hand goes to my star necklace as I sit beside my brother and mother at a table. Maggie and Charlie join us. Bella chooses to sit with the Cullens at a different table. I watch everyone who enters the reception tent. A beautiful, pale brunette with wavy hair dances into the room. She's fully matured now, Charlie had told my mother that Nessie would no longer age although he didn't ask the reason, and he knew he'd be in danger if he knew the truth about his daughter and his in-laws. She's laughing at something someone has told her and her arm looped through someone's. I look to her escort and my heart stops; Jake is smiling to Nessie and telling her something else. He must sense me watching them because he looks right at me, my eyes meet his. For a moment we hold the gaze with each other but I look away from him, my heart resumes beating. I clench my fists together; this is going to be really hard.
My mother takes notice of my reaction and her hand rests on my arm. She gives me a small smile and then returns her attention to Charlie.
After everyone is in the room, dinner begins. I try focusing on the conversations at the table I'm sitting at but my mind keeps thinking of Jake. I picture Nessie and him as the bride and groom instead of my mother. The wedding would be perfect because Alice and Esme wouldn't allow it to be any less.
After dinner, the music starts playing a slow song and Charlie and my mom begin to dance. Seth looks to me warily, he wants to dance with Maggie but he is worried about leaving me. I smile and tell them they should go dance. After a few seconds of being alone someone taps me on my shoulder gently. I turn and look behind me. Quil is smiling to me with his hand out for me to take.
"Wanna dance?" He asks with a sweet smile. I smile to him, nod and take his hand.
He pulls me close to him when we get onto the dance floor, but it's still a friendly distance between us. I wrap my arms around his neck as his arms wrap around my upper waist. "Thank you," I whisper so only he can hear.
He smiles, "I just figured we'd be the perfect dance partners. I was right; you're pretty good at this."
"I'm glad I don't have to sit by myself and watch everyone have a good time." I whisper to him.
"I wouldn't have let you be miserable. I mean weddings are fun right?" He smiles.
I nod and I look passed his shoulder to everyone else on the dance floor. "That's what I keep telling myself." I say as my eyes land on Jake and Nessie dancing directly across from us. Jake's eyes meet mine as he dances with Nessie. My steps slow down and this messes up Quil but he recovers quickly. Quil leans close to me.
"It will get better, I think." He whispers and spins me so my back is to Jake.
"You really think it will?" I say as I look to him. He nods. "Thanks again."
"Well actually Embry and I were fighting over who would dance with you… I lost." He smiles playfully.
I hit him lightly and laugh. "Sorry you have to go through this torture." I tell him. The music changes but it's only slightly faster than the other song. Quil takes my hand and begins doing a quicker step to the music. My other hand rests on his shoulder. I smile to him as he spins me around and then pulls me back to him. "Where did you learn how to do this?" I ask him.
"My mom." He smiles. "It's really not torture, and I wanted to dance with you. I was kidding you know." I nod as he continues to lead me.
"Remind me to thank Joy." I tell him.
The music becomes slow again. I let my mind wander and take in the beautiful lights, and the rest of the room. My mind doesn't wander long before a voice interrupts my thoughts. "May I cut in?" His familiar voice says.
Quil and I stop. Quil looks to me then nods. Quil walks away and Jake reaches his hand out for me to take. Despite my better judgment, I take his hand. He guides my arm to wrap around his neck; he does the other with my other arm. His hands rest on my waist, I made sure to keep a safe distance, I couldn't get too close or caught up in him. Jake begins moving to the music, guiding me with him.
We don't speak; we just look in each other's eyes. He slowly brings me closer and closer as we continue to dance and I let him bring me closer and closer. With the beautiful lights reflecting perfectly on his skin, his arms around my waist, and looking into his eyes I almost forget all of my willpower, I almost forget the possibility of him being in love with someone else. But then the thought strikes me like lightening, he was dancing with Nessie, and eating with her, and laughing with her just minutes ago.
I force myself to hold myself together for the rest of the song, as soon as the song ends, I let go of him and I pull out of his embrace. I go outside of the tent and sit on a bench my father had made. The cool December air feels wonderfully against my hot skin. I take a deep breath and then release it. I hear footsteps coming behind me.
"Leah…" I hear Jake's voice say as he stands in front of me.
I look up to him. "Jacob." I say.
"Is that all you can say to me?" He asks me.
I stand up from the bench, "What do you want me to say?"
"Anything. We haven't said a word to each other in a week, anything will do." Jake says.
"There isn't anything else to say. I've said everything there is to say." I tell him.
"You have nothing you are wondering? Nothing you care to ask? Nothing you care to share? We've never gone this long without talking to each other. Do you miss me?" Jake says as he moves closer. His hand reaches for mine but I pull it away from him.
I build up the courage to ask the one question I've been wondering all evening. At first, I don't think I can ask because I'm so afraid of his answer, but then I realize I'd rather know the truth now rather than later. I ignore his last question, I can't answer that. "Do you love her?" I ask him.
"No, I don't." Jake says.
"Yet." I say. "Please… let me get back to the reception. My mother will be worried about me. Let's just let this go in peace. We can be-"
"Don't say friends. I know you aren't going to say friends." Jake looks to me trying to read me but my walls are built higher than ever and I don't plan on allowing them to crumble down again.
"You don't wish to be friends with me Jake?" I ask him as I take a step towards the reception tent.
"I don't think I can just be friends, Leah, no matter how much better that would be than this." Jake says.
I nod. "I understand. I hope you are enjoying Alaska. I really do need to get back." I tell him and I turn to walk into the tent. "I'll see you around Jacob."
...
When the party ended, Charlie and mom went on an ice fishing trip for a few days. The guests all left after asking me to help clean up but I denied all of their offers. I will clean up the mess tomorrow, tonight I am too drained.
Seth went to Charlie's after much pushing from me, he didn't want to leave me alone, and I didn't want him to hang around. Right now I just want to curl up and isolate myself from the world. I tell myself I made the right choice with Jake a week ago and today. I needed to be cold for him to get the message that we could never be again. He needed Nessie, I remind myself, and he'll always need her.
I'm about to go inside when a twig behind me snaps. I jump on full alert and spin around until my eyes land on a familiar form about ten feet away. I sigh and shake my head, he just couldn't stay away and let things be.
"Hey Jake." I call to him.
He walks closer to me, he's not afraid to come closer; he's not scared I'll lash out on him. "Hi Leah, can we talk?" He asks when he is close.
"Aren't we already talking?" I ask him trying to sound smart.
He nods and gives me a small smile. "I was actually thinking about something deeper than hellos."
I nod and sit down on the porch steps. "What do you want to talk about?" I ask him after taking a breath.
He sits beside me and his eyes don't stray from mine. "So the entire time tonight I was thinking about that promise you made me that you'd dance with me at the wedding. I mean you were beautiful tonight, you're always beautiful but you were especially beautiful. And I was thinking while we were dancing that I don't think that dance counted as dancing. I mean you started dancing with Quil, I cut in about half way through the song. I think you still owe me a dance." He says.
"Maybe next wedding." I tell him, but I don't sound sure of it. Who knows where we both will be by the next wedding.
He shakes his head. "That just won't do. See… it was promised that we'd dance at this wedding. And well since you are still dressed, and I'm still dressed I figure now is as good a time as any."
"Where is this going Jacob?" I ask him suspiciously.
He stands up and reaches his hand out for me to take. "Nowhere. I just want the promise to be fulfilled; I want to dance with my friend."
"You didn't want to be friends remember?" I remind him.
"I do now." He says. "Come on, you know how stubborn I am. I'm not taking no for an answer."
I sigh and I take his hand. "I'm really tired you know." I tell him.
"Yeah, yeah. We're all tired." He says. He leads me back to the reception tent. He leads me to the middle of the dark dance floor then he lets go of my hands. "Wait here." He says. He runs off and flips a switch.
In an instant the lights all over the tent turn on. It looks even more beautiful than it had earlier. Then a slow song begins playing, Jake gently takes my waist and I rest my arms around his neck. At first we are at a safe, friendly distance but Jake slowly starts pulling me closer. My eyes don't leave his and his don't leave mine. It's as if nothing else matters except Jake and I on this dance floor under these beautiful lights. I get lost in him all over again, and my brain feels like it has gone to mush. I don't have any witty comments, or comments to make sure he understands that we can't be together. Right now, I just have thoughts about him and me. And they are some beautiful thoughts. Jake's forehead rests on mine as we continue to sway to the song; I release a sigh at the feel of his skin against mine. The sigh came out so fast I couldn't stop it. Jake begins to hum to the music and I can't help but wonder if he planned this, and if he did is he really only here to dance?
"Why did you come?" I say before thinking twice about it.
"To support Charlie and Sue at their wedding." Jake says, lifting his forehead from mine.
"That's the only reason you came? You didn't have any other reason to come right?" I ask him, the music has stopped but for some reason we are still swaying slowly.
"Honestly?" Jake asks softly.
"Do I ever want anything else from you?" I ask him.