I am not human, I decide.

No, definitely no.

Three days straight of fighting each other and being slammed into the dirt or the floor and having directions barked at you would have put a human on their death bed.

Yet, my body could keep going like this for a long time. Not even a scratch, no weakness, no pain. I am covered in dirt, and my last set of clothes is shredded, but give me a shower and you would never guess that I hadn't rested from combat practice in days.

My exhaustion is only present in my mind.

If my mental condition was represented in my body, I'd first be covered in black and blue bruises. Deep purple bags would be under my eyes, and my skin would be more torn than whole.

But I am amazed and a little bit disgusted by how my skin remains without blemish. How being slammed to the ground should make all the breath shoot out of me and shoot pain all over my body. I sort of wished it did. It would make my life feel real again. If I could feel pain than I could also heal and know that I am live. Instead, my body does not mark or hurt. It's like being in a dream, and how whatever rams into you, you can't feel a thing.

I don't want to be in a dream. I want to be back in a real world where although there are bad places, there are also good places that I can hope to escape to. I want to dream a better dream if all this is just a product of my mind. But I have no control. Maybe it's not my dream.

Three days of fighting and being pinned to the ground over and over and over. When Riley told us to pair up for practice so we can learn how to defeat the threat coming to get us, I panicked. All the gang members paired up with people from their respective sides. Even Freaky Fred matched up with the girl who snapped at me for sitting on the couch. It was like being the odd one out in class for a group project.

And like the mean teacher, I watched Riley's eyes go from me to a huge brute of a man who was alone too. He smiled at me sadistically, like he was going to enjoy throwing me around like a ragdoll. I should have been shaking like a Chihuahua or gulping on lumps of fear, but I was just a statue. A clearly frightened one though.

Before Riley could proclaim the partnership, Kyle stepped next to me. He looked extremely regretful, but he stayed at my side, and Riley shut his mouth.

Riley had us stand across from our partner like martial arts. I mouthed thank you to Kyle, and he pretended not to notice. He looked extremely surly, but I was giddy. He cared about me! A very tiny bit, but it was so reassuring.

He wasn't as easy on me as I'd like, but he wasn't rough to an extreme. I kind of enjoyed the training in a weird way. I was with someone I trusted so there was no component of fear. Learning how to fight someone made me feel like I had a little power. I knew there was a lot of newborn strength in me, but I didn't know how to use it really. I didn't want to fight like the rest, and in my first few days, I got a little crazy, broke a few streetlights, but that was just for fun. I've only used my strength when eating, and I really have no idea how to transfer what I do on instinct into a different situation. I just felt less helpless when I was learning this.

That's how I felt at first. After a few hours of fighting in that cramped basement, the novelty dissolved. The cycle of moving outside and in on the basis of the lies about the light were especially frustrating to me since I knew it was all for show.

Kyle had not left me yet. I was always afraid he'd ditch me at some point in the exercises. It was getting to be a longer and longer time since he had last hunted, so his attacks were becoming less restrained. I looked over at Riley warily very often. When would he let us hunt?

I got my answer after four days and three nights of this training. I had been evading Kyle's attacks for a while now. All I could hope to do in a fight with a man the size of my brother was slip out of his grasp. I tried to think of how the Cullens moved in the field, but the memory was too old, too unclear.

Finally Kyle got a hold of my arm. He pulled at it and pinned it behind my back before pushing me to the ground. Riley smiled at him. Kyle quickly released me, looking extremely guilty. That was the first time I've seen that look on this face. He hadn't been enjoying beating me, but he never looked like the complete opposite either.

"You don't like the fighting," I stated.

"Don't start on this," he said sounding more tired than angry. Tired was something I had seen on Kyle before. When he was trying to work three jobs during night school. When Mom was at her sickest and I was little and needed someone all the time. When raising me became a full time job on top of his other full time jobs and life threatened to break him. When he came home that late, last night with Alex. I didn't enjoy seeing my brother tired, but this was more recognizable than the man who was shouting at me some days ago.

"I'm just saying. When I knew you, you even released bugs out the window. You don't want to fight."

"Stop this; stop talking like you know me. Please."

He was begging.

"Why don't you want to listen?" I asked, I pressed.

"I don't want to hear it. Even if I did know you, I can't remember it. I'm not the guy you used to know whether or not I am. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, I think. You always used to speak like that; I'm used to it."

"I'm sorry I'm not who you're looking for. Please let me be now, okay?"

"I can't. I'm sorry. I won't come screaming at you, but I can't stop hoping that one day the Kyle I know will return. You can't remember him, but the guy you used to be was- is- pretty fantastic. Not the kind you give up on."

Kyle sighed. "He's not coming back, that guy. We share the same name, I'm pretty sure of that, but I'm never going to be him again."

"I don't believe that."

"I'm sorry, Adrian," he said. It was the first time he had used my name without anger for so long. I breathed in sharply as if I had been wounded. It was so shocking to see his lips move around the sound of the name that used to be more than a combination of letters to him.

"Listen up!" Raoul shouted. Kyle and I both turned. Raoul looked to Riley, looking for some recognition and all he got was an absent nod. Kristie grinned smugly at him.

"Kids, you've been doing great these past few days," Riley said. I hated when he called us his kids. He was not a father to us. He just thought we were misguided and stupid and wanted to be condescending.

"I think we are ready to take on the yellow-eyes and take what is ours!" He yelled. There were a lot of cheers from the group. I tried to hide my disgust. We were still organized, and we were not a coven no matter how many times Riley used the word. The Cullens and Jacob's pack were going to destroy us.

Well, not us, them. I realized with sudden intensity that I and Kyle would be the only people here who would not be dead in a few days' time. It brought on immense guilt. These weren't bad people necessarily. They just weren't lucky like I was to know about this, to know about the better alternatives for someone who has been changed. They didn't know what was happening and worse, they've been lied to and manipulated. They don't know anything about what they are, what they truly are.

This grief for this mass who weren't even dead yet, who did not know my name or care about my survival, was extremely troubling. I couldn't save them without killing myself. I couldn't kill myself without killing Jacob…

If not for him, I might make that sacrifice. Without a brother, without a home, without any dream left that I could possibly make come true. Without those hopes that used to mean so much to me. Without anything to lose, I think I would sacrifice myself. But now I have Jacob, and killing him is a crime I could never let myself commit. But I do not know how I will kill the others because their blood is on my hands. Not as large as the stains on Riley's or Victoria's but there is some.

"We need to be strong for the fight. We need to be at our best. I have a surprise for you all. For all your hard work and show you how things will be when we win!"

More cheers. I felt antsy. I wish he would reveal this big surprise. I was burning after so long without hunting so I was on edge enough. I hoped that the next time I had to hunt it would not be for people on the Seattle streets.

"Do you want it?"

The yells in response meant yes. Riley smiled and made the motion for us to follow him into the night. There was some fighting over who got through first, but a swift shout and threat ended it. I was one of the last out the door. Kyle stayed close to me. It made me feel safe.

Our group moved silently through the darkness. It was kind of amazing. This group would have been a lot easier to live with. Guilt squeezed my cruel heart as I remembered how little time there was for me to live with them. I thought leaving would be easier. What's that line again? Leaving this will be easier than living it. From the way I feel now, not likely.

I wonder what this group was like when they were human. A few you can tell must have been quite unpleasant, but then there are the others who have their faces plastered on fliers all over with families on the news channels begging for any information. These people left behind big things like families and jobs and friends and then little things like regular coffee baristas and magazine subscriptions. The worst part is they don't even realize it.

If they knew, they would rebel against Riley. I might be able to help them to be like the vampires I know. Or at least to escape their approaching death dates.

But I can't… I can't even get my brother to remember our last name. As I watch the silent man run beside me, but never looking at me, I realize that this might be the best I get. The best I can do for him. He'll never remember me or who he used to be, but I can give him what he needs to become whomever else he chooses. His life is already spared. I hope that the wolves and Cullens will recognize him enough to spare him….

I flash my eyes over him. I don't think they will. Especially with the hard, serious face he has adopted. Especially when he is lunging at them.

I start to panic.

Maybe I can send them a picture? I take out Mrs. Cullen's phone and aim the lens at his face, but we're running too fast. It's just a mix of dark blurs.

I could warn Kyle though. Or just tell him to come to the battlefield a little later than everyone else and see for himself. He'll be clever enough to run. He'll be saved. Kyle will still exist. Without a last name and without a sister, but somewhere in the world.

I slowed my pace just an increment and Kyle noticed. I looked at him. He put on the same tired expression from when we were fighting. He slowed down too. I slowed down gradually until I was at human pace, and he did the same. The group went ahead while he lingered behind.

"I'm not going to keep trying to make you remember, okay? It must be really frustrating for you."

"Thank you, Adrian," he said with a relieved smile. This felt not good but not bad either. It felt nice to see him look like that. He looked free.

"I do care about you though so I need to tell you the truth. This army, our purpose- there is no other coven trying to take back Seattle. Riley's been lying to us the whole time. Do you believe me so far?"

"I don't know," he said, "I don't know."

I continued anyway. "Every one of us who goes into the fight tomorrow will die. We have no chance. I've seen the others train. Not only will they outnumber us, but they know what they're doing. We were created because the woman who changed us wants revenge on the coven."

"And how do you know all this?" he asked, looking extremely confused.

"I knew the coven from before I was changed. That's how I remember who I was too. I knew what was happening to me."

"Okay," he said with a nod, "I definitely don't believe you."

Crap. He started to turn away.

"Okay!" I yelled, "But even so. Please, do me one last favor and you'll never have to see me again!" He turned his head towards me a little. "I'm willing to let you go, but I want you to live. So just linger behind the group tomorrow, okay? Please, if only for a minute. Just wait and see. I'm not wrong, and I know it, but if you don't, I am begging you to stick behind long enough to see whether or not I'm right. That's all I am asking."

"Whatev-"

"Promise!" I shrieked.

"Okay! Okay, I'll stay in the back," he said, "Whatever." Then he turned and ran away from me. I had to believe that he would listen.

I had done what I needed to do, have saved the one I could. I could leave right now, but I don't. I follow the army.

When I catch up with him and the rest, the last of the group are diving into the black waters. I followed curiously through the water. Are they swimming to Forks?

I saw the people ahead of me surface up ahead. I followed their lead. When my head broke through the water, half of the group had already climbed aboard. Again, I followed.

That was a mistake. It was absolute carnage aboard. The boat was full of innocent people. Men in suits coming home from work, and women holding young children. They couldn't run a foot ahead without being taken down.

Kyle came up behind me and beamed at the scene.

It smelled amazing. My body was screaming at me.

But so was Jacob.

His voice, his presence was with me. He would be horrified. He would not let this be.

I could not stop it.

So I jumped.