Disclaimer- I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters.

Yeah, she's finally gonna admit it! Aren't you happy?

Chapter title borrowed from Alice Cooper.

I'm sorry for the late update-and this will be the last one until my exams are over, which is probably by the twenty-ninth of September.

Lyrics borrowed from Robbie William's 'Angels.'

Thanks to everyone who reviewed!

On with it, shall we?

I sit and wait, does an angel contemplate my fate?

And do they know, the places where we go,

When we're gray and old?

'Cause I've been told,

That salvation lets their wings unfold,

So when I'm lying in my bed,

Thoughts running through my head,

And I feel that love is dead,

I'm loving angels instead.

CHAPTER FIVE- THIS MANIAC'S IN LOVE WITH YOU

I am losing my mind.

I can feel it.

I can feel hell chipping away at my sanity.

Alistair twists my hand around, picking up a brush in one hand.

He dips it in the red liquid, delicately painting my nails.

Painting my nails with my own blood.

They glisten a deep shade of claret, just like the rest of my body.

There is nothing Amitiel, or even Jared can do to stop it.

Amitiel tells me I am stronger than ever, that my powers are, even now, still growing, but it does not change a thing.

I am no longer Odette Slessor.

I am nothing at all.

Hell has stabbed and ripped and burnt and bled my identity away, leaving nothing behind but an animal that screams for release.

Release from pain.

Because that's all there is left-pain.

Pain and fear and misery.

Jared tells me time works differently in hell.

Twenty years have passed since the time I died.

Since the time Cas left.

And, even here, that pain is the worst of all.

So is the anger.

So is the hate.

It keeps growing, an angry red feeling roiling inside of me, struggling for release.

"Use it," Amitiel commands. "Use it to get stronger."

So I do.

But it's not enough.

It will never be enough.

Not here.

Hours pass.

Or is it years?

I can never tell here.

I begin to measure time by the dripping of my blood onto the floor.

I have too much empty time- Alistair is gone, probably torturing another soul.

So I repeat the same vicious cycle.

Cas.

Just thinking of him hurts more than anything Alistair can do.

I rage at myself, cursing my stupidity.

Why does he matter so much?

Why can't I hate him?

Why can't I blame him?

But I know the answer.

I can't blame him.

Look at me now- utterly, completely pitiable.

Helpless.

Who in his right mind would stay with me, sullied as I am with blood and death?

Stained as I am with guilt.

Jared reads my thoughts easily- we have linked minds almost unconsciously.

He cannot speak, either.

Stop it, Jared's voice is tight as it whispers in my head.

It's not your fault, it's his.

There was a time when Jared could make me believe anything.

It's gone now.

Jared knows, how could he not?

He knows me better than I do myself.

Son of a bitch, His voice is angry, pounding inside my head.

He promised me.

I smile bitterly.

"He promised me too, Jared. I guess we were both wrong."

I let out a choked laugh at the cruel humor in this situation.

I wonder if Cas knows I am in hell.

I wonder if he even wants to save me.

I guess not.

Amitiel doesn't need telling.

She knows anyway.

And the fury sweeps over me again.

Why does it hurt so much?

Why do I care that he left?

I try to shove him out of my mind, rip away any fondness I have for him, but it doesn't work.

Almost in defiance of my efforts, a dozen memories of Cas flash across my eyes.

I remember the piercing blue of his eyes, his bedraggled tan trenchcoat, his rumpled, messy hair...

I try and focus on the anger instead.

But it changes into a sense of betrayal, and that is no easier to stomach.

Why does it affect me so strongly?

Why does he affect me?

Amitiel's words echo in my head.

"You scream his name when you are afraid."

Jared is listening to my thoughts, hand clenched around mine.

His grip tightens so much it hurts.

But then again, everything hurts in hell.

I force myself to think his name, gritting my teeth together.

I taste blood.

It's time I faced what was happening.

The realization does not bring me any joy.

Just more pain.

As if it wasn't enough already.

Cas' leaving me wouldn't hurt unless I...

Jared realizes it at the same time I do.

"Unless you love him," He somehow manages to murmur.

"You love him," Jared marvels.

Every cell in my body aches to deny it.