... I have entirely too many of these.

But oh well, here ya go. This one is exclusively for the TF: Prime Decepticons. Because they're too much fun, AMIRITE?

Anyway, hope you like, and send me suggestions because I appreciate them greatly!

1. Stop singing about things you don't have.

(I have a pretty large collection of music on my iPod.)

(When I'm listening to it, I tend to sing out loud - even if I take one ear bud out.)

(If I'm working with Knock Out and Breakdown, they usually don't mind it.)

(Most of the others, though, that's a different story.)

(Starscream - my sorry but well-meaning excuse for a guardian - was ready to tear out my hair, but instead he calmed himself down and offered probably the most perfect sarcastic comment in the history of ever.)

"I don't know who this 'Jagger' person is, Amity, but I'm fairly sure he does his own moves better than you do."

(I just kept on dancing and singing till I realized he was sitting there laughing at me.)

(So I left and decided to go bother Soundwave instead.)

(And by bother, I mean pretend I was helping him enter data in the records while shaking my hips and singing.)

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, 'It's better than yours', I could teach you, but I'd have to charge, 'cause my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..."

(After about a full minute of this, Soundwave politely pointed out, USING MY OWN VOICE, that I didn't have a milkshake. And I could just imagine him behind that faceplate, asking that if I did have one, why wasn't I drinking it?)

(I pouted, pointed to my ass while enlightening him on a bit of slang, and huffed off to go find someone else I could annoy.)

(Somehow I wandered into Megatron's throne room, and I asked if he wanted to see me dance.)

(He had nothing better to do, so I put on a Nicki Minaj song and started dancing.)

(And singing.)

(After the song had ended, I asked Megatron, with high hopes, what he thought of it.)

(He asked me what "va va voom" is.)

(I told him it was something he'd never get, then ran away and cried on Starscream.)

(Unsurprisingly, he didn't really care, but he didn't like my crying either.)

"If it'll make you shut up, you do have Jagger's moves."

(...)

(Is anyone else's guardian this painfully clueless?)

2. No more naming cosmetics colors after the Decepticons.

(One day, Starscream had left me to be babysat by Breakdown, of all people.)

(Knock Out and Starscream were going on some kind of scouting mission, and nobody else wanted to deal with me that day.)

(Breakdown was reviewing some patient files, and he basically let me entertain myself while keeping an optic on me.)

(I'd been painting my nails, and unlike Starscream the smell of acetone didn't bug him.)

(After a while, I got tired of watching the polish dry.)

(So I applied another coat. And top gloss.)

(Then I noticed something strange about my new manicure. So I waved Breakdown over, and held up my hand to show him my nails.)

"Doesn't this kind of look like Knock Out's finish?"

(A moment of squinting later, he agreed that yes, it did look like our demented doc's shiny paint job.)

(So we dubbed that color "Knock Out Red.")

(After that we got a little... carried away.)

(Fast forward to two hours later, when Knock Out and Starscream finally came back.)

(I had my toenails painted Megatron Gray. The eyeshadow on my lower lid was Breakdown Blue, and above that was Soundwave Purple.)

(I'd put on lipstick that Breakdown and I had decided was Dreadwing Gold. My rouge was this weird color I'd found amid all my make-up, which we called Starscream Chrome.)

(Knock Out was wholly flattered and happily admired my fingernails, but Starscream told me to go wash off my face.)

(Oh, and he was sooooo telling Megatron about this.)

(I had to do like a million push-ups, but it was nothing compared to how they could have punished me.)

(And to this day, all Breakdown or I need to say to make each other laugh is Airachnid Pink.)

(We regret nothing.)

3. No more midnight "magic carpet rides" with Starscream.

(I get mad on probably a daily basis, but a lot of times I cool down very quickly.)

(I'm a normally mellow person. I don't like being angry and holding grudges against people.)

(I especially don't like it when the same happens to me.)

(So when it does - A.K.A., Knock Out saying I can't do anything right and yelling in my face because I make a few mistakes - I tend to get my feelings hurt.)

(I hide in a closet so I can pretend that really, nobody cares and that my life is worthless.)

(Someone always finds me.)

(Sometimes it's Soundwave, who carries me back to the communications room with him and lets me sit by his keyboard while he types.)

(He's great with that, mostly because anyone else would ruin it by opening their big mouth.)

(Most often, though, it's Starscream who finds me. It's kind of a guardian thing, I guess.)

(He always knows when I'm upset, and he comes to get me and comfort me and the next day beat the slag out of whoever made me cry.)

(Then at nighttime, when most of the others are in recharge, he'll sneak out of the ship with me and, making sure I'm holding on, take me on a flight.)

(At first he'll dive down in bipedal mode, then he'll transform into jet mode at the last second.)

(It feels like I'm going to fall and splat, but then I end up in his cockpit!)

(And as dirty as that sounds, it's really not.)

(The last time we did this, though... well... I was trying to steer him, he was laughing, and we almost crashed back into the ship.)

(Now we can't do it anymore.)

(He's tried to come up with something else he can do with me when I'm upset, but he refuses to sit down, eat ice cream, and watch Rizzoli and Isles with me like a good friend.)

(Starscream is really starting to get on my nerves about how the show is stupid and ice cream isn't good for me.)

(I hope Lord Megatron revokes this rule soon, because the feeling of wanting to bash my guardian's helm with a shovel is starting to disturb me just a little.)

4. Stop trying to give the Nemesis a walking avatar to satisfy your own romantic needs.

(Oh come on! It was kind of cool when the ship became sentient.)

(Except for the fact that it was trying to kill organics, of which I am.)

(So, it was cool other than the fact that I spent quite a while playing hide-and-seek with the ship's sensors.)

(But when the ship talked, it sounded kind of like Maurice from Penguins of Madagascar, but deeper and... dare I say it... sexier.)

(So... call me wrong, but I developed a very brief - and I mean VERY brief - crush on the Nemesis, despite the fact that he was actively trying to kill me because I was a human.)

(So once our ship's sentience was terminated, I was kind of sad and missed his voice.)

(Finally, I up and asked Soundwave if it was possible to create an avatar for the ship. You know, something that could walk around and interact with all of us.)

(And no, I was not hoping for some robo-action, so get your minds out of the gutter!)

(I was just... kind of lonely. I wanted someone who was looking for a relationship, appreciated me for what I was, and wouldn't just brush me off because I was human.)

(All of which immediately disqualify most, if not all, of the Nemesis's crew.)

(Soundwave told me no, and why would I want to do something like that anyway?)

(Later, once I was sure he was asleep, I snuck into his communications room and tried to do it myself.)

(Unfortunately, what I wanted apparently couldn't be done, and I got very frustrated, disappointed, and depressed.)

(Soundwave found me the next morning curled up in his chair, sobbing and twitching with my iPod on full freaking blast.)

"Who do you think you are, running round leaving scars? Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart..."

(He took me to Starscream, who gave me a long lecture that I paid very little attention to.)

(I made a playlist just for me and Nemesis.)

(Some days when no one's looking and I need a little encouragement, I'll press myself up against one of the ship's walls and start listening to the playlist. Pretend he's still there with me and that he loves me now.)

(Sometimes, I think I can even hear him talking to me. It may be kind of pathetic, but I cry when I do this.)

(I don't let anyone else see me. They'd think I'd gone off my nut.)

(I don't need Doc Knock giving me any more psychiatric tests than he already does.)

5. Do NOT make fun of my weight.

(This one is from me to all of the Decepticons.)

(Consider it a warning from both me and my guardian.)

(Believe me, I know I'm pudgy. I know that everyone else knows it. I know that I'm heavy because I overeat.)

(Shut up. I know, okay.)

(I'm an emotional eater. Living on a freaking spaceship with giant robots who mostly hate me, I'm surprised I do more than just lie in bed eating pie and cookies all day.)

(Because I really want to do just that sometimes.)

(One of the reasons Knock Out annoys me is thanks to his monthly exams. Checkups, he calls them, but really they're just an excuse for trying to slim me down.)

(Breakdown says I'm perfect the way I am, as does Starscream, but Knock Out always wants to put me on some stupid diet.)

(This last time, I decided to try and be a little cooperative.)

(I stuck to the diet, and if I did get hungry, I consulted Knock Out's list of approved snacks.)

(My trying to exercise was helped along by Soundwave, who motivated me on the treadmill.)

(By tying a Twinkie to a stick and shoving it in the back of my sweatband to see how fast I was willing to go to get my one treat.)

(Also, he played "Eye of the Tiger" for me too. Weight-loss montage and all.)

(The next month rolled around, and I was actually excited to visit Med Bay. Of course, that all ended when Knock Out had me step on the scale.)

(Everyone knew I was doing as I was told, and I was working harder than I'd worked in my life.)

(But somehow, I hadn't lost anything In fact, I had managed to gain two pounds.)

(Nobody could really think of anything to say to me. I told them all I was okay, maybe it just needed a little more time before my body adjusted to it.)

(So I told Breakdown I was going into my room to watch TV - and do sit-ups during the commercials - and locked myself in.)

(When Starscream came back from a scouting mission, he found me on my bed next to an empty carton of ice cream.)

(It was actually kind of pathetic.)

(Knock Out has bribed Starscream to "human-proof" the kitchen, and Soundwave hasn't let me see a Twinkie since that incident.)

(All the same though, everyone ganged up on Airachnid for me after she called me fat and made me cry.)

(...)

(They may not have the best morals in the world...)

(But for what it's worth, I have a good guardian, a good doctor, and good friends.)

I hope you all liked, and if you want more, you know what you have to do...

EW! No, not that, you perverts. I MEANT review and offer some suggestions please.

AND THANK YOU, OF COURSE.

Thankies for reading and putting up with me! ^^