Well, I'm back! Fear the updates~

Those of you who like Airachnid, you may want to skip Hints #6 and #9... XD

KO: *scoff* Oh please. People that like Airachnid are just a myth.

Me: ... Have you looked at the TF Dirty Secrets blog recently?

KO: Oh no, I prefer to stay off that thing. I'd rather not know about the things that YOU *point* skinjobs want to do to my finish. Especially after what happened last time.

Me: *pouts as he walks away* Oh come on! *looks at readers* ONE winter where you lick his paint job and your tongue freezes to it, and you never hear the end of it!

Hint #10 is ridiculously long, even for me, but I promise it just may be one of the funniest in this chapter.

Hint #6 was something I promised I'd do for freakofnature96. I had SO MUCH FUN writing it. MWAHAHAHAHA. Torturing Airachnid? Best. Time. EVAH.

Credit to BlackSummerRoses for Hint #7: Starscream can thank Amity for the fact that Knock Out and Dreadwing are now out for their internal fluids.

Credit to Anonymous BW FG for Hint #9: When dealing with Airachnid, my friend wonders how Amity is not dead yet.

Keep sending in suggestions, because I can't do this without y'all!

Hope you likee!

6. Stop trying to burn Airachnid at the stake.

(This one came about mainly because...)

(Well, because we all kinda can't stand Airachnid. When it comes right down to it, that's why this rule was invented. Because we all would love for it to happen.)

(Starscream hates her with white-hot fury. Soundwave watches her closer than he watches anybody else - even me. Knock Out always has an eye roll prepared when her name is mentioned. I regularly want to break out the Raid on her spidery, techno-organic-y ass, mostly because she called me fat.)

(Even Breakdown, who has the smallest little 'Con-crush on her, admits that he doesn't think it would work out because she's... how do I put it... a bitch and impossible to live with.)

(Besides, anyone here know how spiders treat their mates? Shudder, man. He's better off staying away from her, we've all agreed.)

(All that being said though, she's still WAY tougher than me.)

(Me being a little itty-bitty bite-sized human, her having multiple legs and shooting web and all.)

(I thought I had developed the perfect plan to rid us of her evil presence forever.)

(I had already fantasized in my mind that if it worked, everyone would stop complaining about me.)

(Megatron would be praising me for taking initiative.)

(Starscream would be insanely proud of his new witch-burning charge.)

(Knock Out would giggle like the mad doctor he is.)

(Soundwave would non-verbally tell me what a good job I'd done.)

(And Breakdown would be thoroughly impressed by the sudden courage and skill.)

(... As you can probably already guess, it didn't go very well.)

(I snuck into her room while I thought she was sleeping, and tried to wrap her up in one of her own webs.)

(I had happily smuggled in a lighter from the last time Starscream and I had gone out. I hadn't told him what the thing was for.)

(I guess being lit on fire is the kind of thing that tends to wake someone up.)

(Needless to say, she called for her Insecticons, and within the minute - freaking MINUTE - I was the one suspended from the ceiling in webbing, with her standing there flicking my lighter open and threatening to burn me alive.)

(Luckily all my screaming must have alerted my guardian, who ran in at the last possible second, grabbed the lighter, and pulled me down.)

(I may not have been able to burn her like the witch/bitch she is, but ohhhhh, was Megatron mad at her for causing my unnecessary shouting that woke pretty much everyone up.)

(I don't know what her punishment was, but I was held in the brig for a few days.)

(At least they left Soundwave and Breakdown bring me meals.)

(Also, I used the time to toothpick-carve a soap doll of Airachnid, courtesy of Starscream sneaking in some Dove.)

(Once I get back to my own room, I plan to tie her up with some yarn and set her aflame in my bathroom sink.)

(My lighter got confiscated, so I think I'll just borrow Knock Out's blowtorch.)

7. Making Starscream and Knock Out race is just... a bad idea.

(In my defense, Knock Out was totally asking for it.)

(Bragging about his new upgrades, how he was the fastest thing on wheels and the best thing since bottled energon, blah blah blah.)

(Also, it's my opinion that something's wrong with his audio receptors. I think he doesn't even hear half the things he says.)

(Since I was stuck doing clinic duty, I had to listen to Doc Knock rave on about his awesome new... something or other. Paint job, probably.)

(Breakdown didn't seem bothered by it, but I figured he was just used to it by now.)

(And of course, me being me... I couldn't leave it alone.)

(I mean, how dare he say he was the best when clearly my guardian could kick his pretty little aft in ten nanokliks flat!)

(As much as Starscream is protective of me, I'm fiercely loyal to him.)

(I'm like... the Soundwave to his Megatron. Don't tell him I compared him to Megatron though, he'll blow a gasket.)

(So I proposed a challenge - a race, since clearly Knock Out thought he outrun anybot with his engine valves tied behind his radiator.)

(It, um... wasn't the most well-thought-out idea I've ever had.)

(For one, Starscream was a bit disappointed in me for signing him up for something without checking with him first... especially something like this.)

(But he agreed to do it, just to rub Knock Out's big fat face in the dirt.)

(It was decided that I couldn't ride with Starscream this time because he'd be going really fast, so I stayed on the ground to be a referee.)

(Dreadwing helped me, only because he had nothing better to do and thought it would be funny to see my guardian do a faceplant.)

(I ignored that last part and just pretended he was there for me.)

(After I banged my little starting gun - uh, hehe, really sorry about that rubber arrow to the face, Dreadwing - I started running like hell to keep up with Starscream and cheer him on.)

(Unfortunately, it's... ideal... for the two competitors in a race to be, you know... on the same playing field.)

(But since Starscream and Knock Out are both stubborn glitches, neither of them would temporarily change their alt mode, so I was trying to judge who was faster - Doc Knock on the ground or my guardian in the air.)

(I got dizzy and threw up a little. Give me credit though, I kept running.)

(By the time I reached the finish line with Starscream and he transformed so I could congratulate him, well...)

(Knock Out was leaning against a tree, doing something that I can only describe as "checking his nails.")

(Dreadwing, still barely able to speak thanks to my arrow, finally caught up with us.)

(Starscream just managed to get me away before Dreadwing's bomb exploded right where I had been standing.)

(Luckily though, I'd been standing rather close to Knock Out, and... HA! There went his precious, perfect, unmarred finish.)

(He chased Starscream and I for a full two minutes before my glitchhead of a guardian remembered that he could fly.)

(Next time, I'm sneaking into Starscream's "science" room and building myself a gun that shoots real arrows.)

(Yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Dreadwing.)

8. You've all heard Starscream warn you, "Don't bother Amity while she's eating." Guess what? He means it.

(If there's one thing you don't do to a fat girl, it's mess with her food.)

(Evidently, the Decepticons have trouble grasping this concept, because all of them think it's funny to either distract me and take food off my plate, or promise me food when there is none.)

(And Soundwave gets a kick out of clipping "The cake is a lie!" when I find out there's no food.)

(Or maybe they're all just dicks, I dunno.)

(Either way, they need to stop being so mean to me.)

(I'm like a dog - I don't like people bugging me when I'm trying to eat.)

(Starscream's such a suck-up, he makes my food and then won't quit being all "I'm waaaaay better than Megatron, right?")

(Last time, I finally walked right out of the room and went to go eat with Soundwave.)

(Knock Out likes to sneak up behind me while I'm eating and then yell out random nutrition facts about how unhealthy whatever I'm eating is.)

(I would be so close to throwing some fried chicken at him, if I didn't want to eat it.)

(Breakdown mostly leaves me alone, but he's concerned about my health too, so every once in a while if I'm not looking, he'll replace my can of Coke with a glass of water.)

(Next time, I'm taking the water, finding him, and splashing him with it.)

(Soundwave makes it a point, if I'm eating in his general vicinity, to pull my hair with his tentacles - why, I have no idea - and once the claws actually penetrated into my scalp.)

(One impromptu visit to Knock Out and 30 minutes of crying later, I vowed that I would never eat around him again - and made a note to myself: "Watch out for Soundwave.")

(Megatron's a whole other deck of cards - he finds it absolutely hilarious to just blast whatever I'm eating with his arm cannon.)

(When that happens, I wait till he leaves, then start crying and see how long it takes Starscream to find me.)

(Come on, Decepticons. Can't you let me eat in peace?)

(The one thing that makes me unique on this ship, and you all have to go and frag it up for me.)

(If they don't stop soon, I'm sneaking chocolate syrup into the energon supply.)

9. Airachnid is not "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." In fact, she's anything but.

(I should probably learn when to stop screwing with Airachnid - like, after the first time I screwed with her and it ended badly.)

(I was mad when Megatron dumped me off on her for scouting duty.)

(She kept trying to step on me with her extra legs, and in between dodging, I could barely keep up with her.)

(After a little while we cooled off at each other, and I stammered my way through an apology for the "sorry I tried to set you on fire" thing.)

(I wonder if Hallmark makes greeting cards for that kind of thing.)

(A few minutes later I got bored, as I usually do on scouting duty.)

(I started singing nursery rhymes. Airachnid was probably doing her best to ignore me, but every once in a while she'd try to stomp on me again.)

(I decided to try and be nice for once. In all honesty, I thought she would be flattered by my song choice.)

"The itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout... out came the rain and washed the spider out... out came the sun and dried up all the rain... and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again..."

(I even did the finger motions that went with it.)

(Airachnid... didn't think it was cute.)

(She slingshot-webbed me to a tree and left me there.)

(It was midnight when Starscream finally found me.)

(I admit that what I did probably wasn't the best thinking on my part...)

(But did she really have to give me a web-gag?)

(It tasted like glue and string cheese.)

(Expired string cheese.)

(I've brushed my teeth ten times a day for the past week and I still can't get the taste out of my mouth.)

(I'm so desperate I might even consider going to Knock Out.)

10. Megatron never thinks it's as funny as you do.

(I don't know why, but apparently Megatron isn't one of those guys that likes to laugh.)

(Well, yeah, maybe at Starscream's pain or something, but not at normal stuff other people laugh at.)

(In fact, 90% of the Decepticons don't like to laugh.)

(I think the remaining 10% are my guardian and Knock Out.)

(My guardian likes to laugh, especially at me or stuff I do - and idiotic people - and Knock Out... well, he doesn't always laugh, but he's a funny person in general.)

(Have you heard the pop culture references he makes? "Herr kommandant," "Doctor in the house," and once I even caught him calling Breakdown "Dr. Foreman" and referring to me as "Thirteen".)

(Personally, I think Breakdown is more of a Chase and I'm a Cameron, but to each his own.)

(Besides, Breakdown being Chase and me being Cameron would mean we'd be romantically inclined to each other and... while I respect and like Breakdown, I swear to God and Primus he's just a friend.)

(And Knock Out is... definitely not House.)

(Anyway, this actually does involve Knock Out, and I'm not just talking about him just because I can.)

(The prank in question that was supposed to make everyone laugh... well, I guess I was kind of cruel.)

(I took advantage of Knock Out's sleeping on the job and made a few... improvements... to his finish.)

(Namely, I painted him pink.)

(The whole fiasco ended with Knock Out waking up in the middle of my painting, right while I was trying to paint over his nasal ridge.)

(My personal theory is that he woke up because he's ticklish there, but at the moment that didn't matter.)

(I screamed bloody murder when he broke out his buzzsaw and started chasing me.)

(I tried to hide in Breakdown's chest - come on, he could smuggle Cubans in there - but he was too busy and thought I deserved it.)

(I finally ran to Starscream, wailing that Knock Out was coming after me because I'd been a bad girl but he should protect me because he was my guardian and Knock Out was going to do surgery on me.)

(Unfortunately, he had been in the middle of an unscheduled meeting with Megatron.)

(Knock Out came running in, painted halfway pink, and started yelling, trying to get at me through Starscream.)

(My guardian was trying to play Keep Away with me, while everyone else except our dark lord burst out laughing.)

(And I mean everyone. Dreadwing, who barely ever so much as cracks a smile? Busting up.)

(Soundwave even played a clip of me laughing.)

(Pink Knock Out is that funny.)

(Unluckily for me, Megatron barked at Knock Out to haul ass out of the room, which he did, and the warlord grabbed me right out of Starscream's claws.)

(He wanted an explanation, but my only explanation was, "Uhhhh... it was funny?")

(He didn't think so.)

(He spent an entire hour coming up with a new punishment for me.)

(Turns out that hour was well-spent.)

(I was suspended from the ceiling by my ankles for twelve hours while Knock Out randomly shocked me with that stupid energon prod of his.)

(Starscream tried to feed me, at least, but apparently my body takes offense at the notion that eating upside-down defies gravity.)

(I got my revenge, though.)

(I held some food in my mouth and waited till Doc Knock came by to prod me again.)

"Knock Oooooouuuuut... gag... I don't feel so..."

(And that was when I pretended to throw up on him, spitting the food all over his newly cleaned finish.)

(You should have seen his face.)

(Thanks to Soundwave, that face he made is now my phone's wallpaper.)

Hahahahahahaha. Proof that Soundwave DOES like Amity. They make a rather good team, if I say so myself.

As for Hint #7, Amity sure has a whole hell of a lotta faith in her guardian, doesn't she? XD She loves him to pieces, and if there was such a concept as "love" in the Decepticon mind, well, that's what Screamer feels toward her. STARSCREAM AS AMITY'S GUARDIAN IS JUST SO ADORABLE~

I would love to make Soundwave and Airachnid be a guardian to a human, lol. Soundwave would be so f'ing overprotective it wouldn't even be funny, and Airachnid... well, whoever ended up with her would have a very shitty guardian, no?

Suggestions ahoy~

Also, I love hearing what your guys' favorite parts were! That just tickles meh. If you have a favorite part, I'd be happy if you pointed it out in your review!

Happy Autobot hunting, my fellow human 'Cons, and thanks for reading!