Meh. I was bored? XD Which coincidentally, is what this chapter deals with! 8D
It's been a while, non? I should update my other rule books... but I got inspired. So yeah.
Credit to Guest for Hint #12: Soundwave and Amity make the ultimate trolling team.
Credit to Klicks for Hint #13: Amity's career as a relationship therapist... probably isn't going to take off.
Hint #15 was inspired by a comic by Rosey Raven on deviantArt. I think it was called "Warp's Not Alone" or something like that. Involved TFA Starscream, Skywarp, and Thundercracker being a dick. XD Look it up, it's hilarious!
Thanks to jazz5454, the next two chapters are going to be all about what not to do around/with Doc Knock. My friend and I came up with all the rules for that, so if you want to send in some rules for the following chapters, feel free! I NEED MOAR SUGGESTIONS.
Enjoy, peoples!
11. "Hammer Time" is funny... once.
(When you settle into a routine on the Nemesis, your life tends to get very un-exciting.)
(My routine? Monday: engine room duty with Makeshift. I don't mind that so much.)
(Tuesday: clinic duty with Knock Out and Breakdown. If it wasn't for Breakdown monitoring my use of medical tools, I would have ended up drilling a hole in my head by now.)
(Wednesday: Scouting duty with Starscream and possibly the Vehicons. I like to pick up rocks and play "Vehicon bowling" till Starscream makes me stop or Steve starts crying.)
(Thursday: communications room duty with Soundwave. I decided early on to play my music as loud as possible just to fill the silence.)
(And ohhh, Fridays are fun. I get to go with Dreadwing and clean the outside of the ship! Golly, maybe next time he'll let ME use the rag!)
(And in case you couldn't tell, that last one was sarcasm. I hate cleaning duty with the burning passion of a thousand suns and would be just fine if cleaning duty somehow got sent to hell. Maybe I'd get a non-weekend day off for once.)
(But that's not possible, so I'm stuck in this dumb routine.)
(All I wanted to do was spice it up a little. So I started playing "Hammer Time" on my iPod whenever Breakdown walked into the room.)
(At first, he thought it was really funny. Once, he even did the dance with me.)
(Everyone started getting tired of it around the fifteenth time I did it.)
(I was up to a hundred and six times, and I wanted to keep my record going, damn it!)
(But, um... Breakdown took the song a little too literally last time.)
(He broke out his hammer and smashed my iPod so I couldn't do it anymore.)
(As I usually do, I cried until Starscream took me to get a new one.)
(I'm smarter than to play "Hammer Time" on it though.)
(At least... not for a while.)
12. Soundwave doesn't have to stop helping me troll the Autobots. He's just gotta be a little more... subtle.
(You would think a faction of robots whose title is one letter away from deception would be a tiny bit, y'know, sneakier.)
(Soundwave is usually really sneaky and creepy, but the way he reacted to helping me troll the Autobots raises the question of exactly how much he gets out.)
(And however often you think he gets out, that number is still too high.)
(Even if you only think he gets out maybe an hour a week, that's still too much.)
(Anyway, like I said before, things tend to get boring once you settle into a routine aboard the ship.)
(I get weekends off, as do most of the others, but what do you do with a weekend when all your friends are giant robots bent on the destruction of the human race?)
(You can't just go to the megaplex and catch a flick, that's for sure.)
(Besides, when your guardian is busy plotting to overthrow his boss, he... doesn't always have time for you.)
(And Soundwave is to me what the others call a "secondary guardian.")
(Which basically means he's responsible for me whenever Starscream is busy and nobody else wants to take me.)
(By the way, thanks for not taking me, Knock Out and Breakdown. I feel the love.)
(Because Soundwave is my "back-up buddy" - which is what I call it - he can always tell when I'm sad or bored or lonely, like Starscream can.)
(And his ideas for cheering me up are way more fun.)
(Not that Starscream's aren't fun, it's just...)
(Soundwave's such a troll.)
(The last time I was bored and upset because one of the Autobots' stupid humans had trolled me online.)
(Some dumb chatroom where the kid figured out who I was by my screenname and started telling me how I should know the Decepticons are evil, why am I with them, they're never going to win as long as the Autobots are around, I'm stupid for joining them.)
(Yadda yadda yadda, another day in paradise.)
(... In hindsight, my screenname probably shouldn't have been Screaming_Star's_kiddie.)
(But anyway, Soundwave could tell that I was mad.)
(So what does he do?)
(Takes me trolling the Autobots' base, that's what!)
(Also, apparently he's a fan of fireworks. Either that or he forced Dreadwing to hand over some of his explosives.)
(Either way, bravo.)
(A bunch of cracks and pops along with the phrase "Decepticons Rule, Autobots Drool" lighting up the night sky?)
(God, I love you, Soundwave!)
(I took a video of it with my phone.)
(Let's see how that kid likes it when I return to the chatroom, smug and triumphant with my hilarious film reel.)
(Except...)
(I think Megatron was not on the ship when this happened.)
(And those fireworks were bright.)
(Because I was with Soundwave, I think I'll only get a slap on the wrist. But still, I don't want to get in any more trouble.)
(Next time, we'll just hack their email and make "The Doom Song" play over and over.)
(And that song just repeats one word.)
13. Stop trying to pair up the 'Cons. Not all of them are gay, and none of them like Airachnid.
(Knock Out doesn't like me in Med Bay because he doesn't like it when I call him "queer.")
(I just like the sound of the word, and who says I'm using it to mean "gay"? It means "weird," too, and let's face it, Doc Knock is weird as they come.)
(But Knock Out prefers the term... "heterosexually challenged.")
(Nah, just kidding. He doesn't care who he 'faces as long as he's gettin' some.)
(Soooo... I guess that's "pansexual"? Meh, whatever. I don't care much for official terms - he's a manic whore regardless of his orientation, and that's all anyone needs to know. Just how he is.)
(Anyway, full steam ahead.)
(I get very antsy in Med Bay, because for one Doc won't let me lay a hand on any of the patients.)
(Doesn't trust me or some scrap, I dunno...)
(For two, he doesn't even like me near him to help him with anything because he's afraid I'll scratch up his finish.)
(Because I'm soooooo clumsy.)
(Not denying that I am, it just gets annoying when people think that's my defining trait...)
(Since I was bored as all get-out and didn't have anything to do, I asked Breakdown for paper and crayons.)
(... He always comes through for me.)
(I even found an empty crate and some tape.)
(And I set up my little operation by the door, where I knew Knock Out wouldn't be paying attention to me.)
(I wrote it on my paper in bright pink crayon:)
"The Love Doctor. Romantic advice, 5ยข."
(It took me by surprise when I actually got a customer - my guardian, who was coming in to get some scratches fixed.)
(He says he really wants a love life, because seriously, how long has it been since he's had someone to warm his berth?)
(A pretty long time, apparently.)
(But the only femme on the ship is Airachnid, and when I suggested her, he made this face that looked like he was going to puke.)
(I thought for a minute, then I got an idea.)
"Why not ask Dreadwing out? You two have a lot of tension between you. Maybe if you work it out, there's something there. He probably does it 'cause likes you, y'know. That's what boys do."
(Starscream laughed in my face and didn't even pay me.)
(A few other bots came to me, and I feel that I helped Breakdown with his and Knock Out's issues.)
(I was too scared to even say anything but "Um" when Airachnid came to my booth. I was afraid of getting stomped on if I gave bad advice. Luckily, she left pretty quick because she was eager to get her leg reattached.)
(I don't know how it got lopped off - though I'm thinking Megatron had finally had enough of her - and I don't want to know.)
(Eventually Knock Out came and shut me down. Misuse of Med Bay space, my ass, he just hated that I told Breakdown they needed better communication.)
(Also, I don't think he was too fond of my saying, "And snuggling. There needs to be more snuggling.")
(However, I was with Steve at the time that he shut me down, and I don't think I've ever been more grateful to Knock Out.)
(Steve was in the middle of talking about "this girl I like.")
(You may not think that's so bad, and maybe you even think it's kind of cute. But the scary thing is...)
(I think he was talking about me.)
14. There are several phrases that are not valid excuses for anything. (No matter how funny it was.)
(I don't know if you've noticed, but I seem to get into trouble aboard the Nemesis.)
(... A lot.)
(Typically, the bot dealing with me isn't Megatron because I've been stopped before my shenanigans have reached him.)
(Other times, I'm not so lucky.)
(I always have to think fast to make up an excuse and save my skin, and some of them work.)
(I have, however, figured out which ones just get Megatron even madder.)
"I wanted to see what would happen."
(I gave him that piece of bullshit after the time I stole Knock Out's mini-buffer.)
(That really was the reason, I swear! I wanted to see what would happen if I deprived Doc Knock of his precious buffer and he couldn't fix himself up at the drop of a hat.)
(The results of my little experiment were amusing. He got super strung-out and jittery, kind of like an addict going through withdrawal.)
(And he twitched a lot. And yelled at everybody.)
(Finally nobody could take the crying anymore - yes, ladies, he's that sensitive, snatch him up now - and Soundwave ratted me out.)
(When I gave that excuse, Megatron didn't even want to hear what else I had to say in my defense. He just threw me in the brig.)
(Where I think I accidentally ate a cockroach. Apparently bugs like to crawl in your mouth when you're asleep and can't swat them.)
(I blame Airachnid for that - how many other bots around here have a fondness for creepy crawlies?)
"But he deserved it!"
(That was when I somehow managed to sneak into Dreadwing's room and set up a bunch of his bombs like booby traps.)
(And as I hear, booby traps aren't any good unless they actually catch boobies. And Dreadwing, well, he's just a big old boob waiting to be caught.)
(Besides, he DID deserve it!)
(Teach him to sneak into my secret Twinkie stash and rig them to explode. Although I think it was payback for whatever Starscream did to him the last time they were together, because my guardian had to clean up the Twinkie mess.)
(But anyway, he deserved it.)
(Unfortunately, Megatron didn't think so. He tossed me to the wolves - well, in this case Dreadwing. Who locked me in my room, didn't let me eat anything all day, and forced me to sleep upside-down like a fruit bat.)
(Still trying to shake the feeling of blood rushing to my head, by the way.)
"I did it out of love!"
(This is probably the worst possible thing you can say to help your case.)
(I... don't remember much of this one.)
(All I remember is that it had something to do with me, a paintbrush, Starscream in recharge, some yellow smiley faces, and after that a brief chase scene with vague '80s music.)
(I think it was "8 Days a Week" by the Beatles, but I can't be sure.)
(I don't even remember what Megatron did to me when all I had to say was the aforementioned excuse. I'm thinking my mind blocked it out because it was too traumatic.)
(And if it was that bad, I'm sure I'm way better off not remembering it.)
15. Stop jump-scaring your guardian. It's not nice.
(It is funny though.)
(But seriously, Starscream is a, uh, fairly okay guy as far as Decepticons go.)
(I mean, he does a good amount of backstabbing, he tells little white lies, he bitch-slaps the Vehicons, he's always trying to overthrow Megatron, and he's bossy.)
(So yeah, like I said - as far as the Decepticons go, he's a pretty upstanding citizen.)
(But even he slips up sometimes, makes mistakes. Like, oh, for instance... messing with me.)
(One day, when there was an important meeting with Megatron, he realized that I have a history of making things go horribly wrong for him during meetings.)
(Refer to Hint #10.)
(So during the meeting, he locked me in my room. I couldn't even play Guess That Code with the lock, because the message he left threatened to vaporize me if I even poked the code pad.)
(It backfired on him, however. While I was locked in that room, I was able to concoct my plan... for revenge. Muahahahahahaha.)
(The fact that I'm starting to sound a little like my guardian is scaring me a little, but meh.)
(It's his fault in the first place.)
(So, one day, I noticed he was quite happily enjoying lunch in the cafeteria. I just so happened to have my mask with me - molded in Lord Megatron's glorious image.)
(I walked in acting casual, asked how things were doing, and excused myself to go get something to eat. He rolled his eyes at that.)
(It was on right then.)
(A few seconds later, I slipped my mask on, and proceed to leap out at him.)
"STARSCREAM!"
(He squealed like a girl, probably jumped about a mile in the air, and landed with one of his wings bent at an angle.)
(When he looked up, he saw me tilting my mask up and laughing triumphantly.)
"Hi Starscream!"
(I then made a troll face.)
"Lol, umad?"
(He said I'd almost given him a fragging spark attack, and made me apologize. I then did it again a bunch of times over the course of a week.)
(You'd think he would have started expecting it, but no, he squealed like a lady every time.)
(But... the last time he finally snapped. I think I actually saw fire in his optics, and he tore after me like Unicron was on his ass.)
(Thank God that the Vehicons' room is the last place he'd ever look for me, right?)
(...)
"Steve, get your servo off me!"
"Umm... I'm all the way over here, Snugglebuns."
"... Then whose servo..."
"Found you, Amity~"
"OH SCRAP, STARSCREAM-!"
Hope you liked! Next couple of chapters we're going to torture Knock Out, so get ready to laugh your buns off.
Don't forget to send suggestions, I love those! I may love them even more than Amity loves ice cream.
KO: *snrk*
Me: You got somethin' to say, Doctor Doom?
KO: ... Nope. *walks off whistling*
Don't worry, he'll get his next two chapters.
See ya soon, thanks for reading! ^^