Alone Ch. 6 "Leads"

Reid drove himself to the church where the Beltway Clean Cops meetings were held. It was about one o'clock in the afternoon so they would be setting up for the early meeting which would start at two. It was a miracle Reid even made it to the church because he couldn't have been focussing less on his driving. His mind was both buzzing and vacant; so many thoughts that he couldn't concentrate on any one. It was strange. Since he'd been attending the BCC meetings even the drive itself became a comfort for him— just knowing he would reach the sense of understanding and fellowship from other addicts that he couldn't find anywhere else upon his arrival would work in some weird Pavlovian way to calm his cravings when they would hit. But this drive was different. This time he knew the man who had come to be a sort of father figure for him wasn't going to be there— and John was always there. Yes, John attended every meeting as he was an administrator of the organization, but he had also been there any time Reid needed to talk. John fielded the 3:00 AM phone calls after they thought Emily had been killed. He was a major reason why the young agent had just thought about it and didn't act on those thoughts. And subsequently, John had helped Reid overcome the anger and feeling of betrayal he'd felt after it was revealed it had all been an elaborate ruse— as those emotions proved to be just as triggering as the ones of despair and grief.

It was the sound of his car door opening that brought Reid out of his own head and back into the task at hand. He sauntered into the atrium of the church and headed down the familiar hallway and through the third set of double doors. There were only two other people in the medium-sized event hall: a custodian setting out chairs that Reid had seen there many times— he was pretty sure his name was Austin, and Matt— a lieutenant for the Metropolitan Police of D.C., Iraq war veteran, as well as a morphine addict who's been clean for a little over nine years. Matt had essentially been John's right-hand man when it came to organizing the meetings so now the responsibility of ensuring their continuation fell to him.

"Spencer!-" Matt exclaimed, walking over to the genius after finally noticing him "-haven't seen you in a little while, how've you been?" He asked with concern in his voice, seeing the apprehensive look on the Reid's face. The agent didn't respond right away so Matt inquired, "you don't usually come to the two o'clock, are you alright?" Reid knew Matt, not as well as he'd known John, but he trusted and was comfortable talking with him,

"Uh, well, I'm here about John, actually-" he paused for a moment as Matt's smile wilted, "-my team and I, we're working his case and I wanted to ask you a few questions" Matt cooperated, fully wanting to do anything he could to assist. They sat down in two of the metal folding chairs before beginning. He'd told the lieutenant of their suspicion that the unsub was an addict himself who'd attended one of the BCC meetings and was therefore most likely a law enforcement officer, firefighter, or EMT.

"Can you think of anyone who's been exhibiting strange behavior in the last few months? Maybe expressing envy or resentment of other people's success within the program? Had John been sponsoring anyone new?" Reid asked,

"Um…" Matt thought for a minute, trying desperately to be thorough, "you know, I can think of a couple people," Reid's eyebrows raised, this could be what they need to close the case, "there was a, uh, firefighter, I think? Peter, he had some shares that maybe leaned more into rant territory? Seemed to be more bitter than congratulatory whenever someone got their 30 days, 90 days, a year, you know" Reid nodded along to Matt's words, taking in every bit of intel he could get, "and then there was this kid, I've only really seen him here maybe four of five times, I wanna say his name was Logan, an EMT. He never spoke and would always leave abruptly, again, before anyone got their milestone chip," he trailed off, just making sure he'd covered everything, "Oh and John did start sponsoring a girl named Hannah about a month ago, but she couldn't be sweeter, really smart, and just a good kid."

They both stood up and made their way for the door. Reid was about to thank Matt for all his help and head back to the office but Matt stopped him,

"My turn to ask questions, how are you holding up? Working his case, I mean I know it's your job, I get that, but you gotta be somewhat selfish in your recovery and do what's best for you. Have you considered sitting this one out? If you talk to your chief-" Reid cut him off, a little irritated,

"Yeah, no I have, I've talked to him, he knows, believe me he actually suggested the same…" he let out a sigh, "and you're right, both of you— I-I am struggling and I have considered taking myself off the case… but I can't do that," There was another pause but Matt remained silent, he just waited for Reid to continue, "you don't understand how my mind works", as he ran one of his hands through his hair he noticed they'd started shaking again, "it doesn't turn off, and if I don't have something to occupy it with… it drifts into dark recesses and I don't want to do that." Matt rebutted,

"But isn't this entire case exactly the kind of darkness you don't want to fall back into? Listen, I know you want to help and do this for John but he wouldn't want you to if it was risking your sobriety," Spencer had diverted his attention away from the man's face and down to his shoes before he replied,

"I'm not taking myself off this case. I can handle it" he said it quietly; less as a statement and more as just self-reassurance. He looked back up to see Matt's worried eyes. Matt huffed, knowing full well he wouldn't be able to change the genius's mind,

"Alright, well after you catch this guy, I think you should come visit us again, we start to miss you after a little while". This sparked the first semblance of a smile Reid had had in the last few days. He nodded in agreement. Matt added, "I'm here if you ever need anything, alright? I mean that— I know you might prefer it but you don't have to do this alone". Reid responded with silent I know and a thank you before turning up the collar on his coat, getting back in his car, and returning to the office to reconvene with his team.