Chapter 4

Afraid

Asami rolled over to face the woman beside her. Their hands unlocked from the movement. Their noses were inches apart. "What is it?"

Korra panicked. She was nowhere near prepared for this, and everything that she had planned to say in the intermission between her sentence and Asami's reply disappeared as fast as it formed. "I –" She groaned at the pain-inducing memories and gripped her skull.

"Korra?" The engineer sat up, concern in her voice. "What's wrong?"

She sighed and rose into an agura position. "Asami…" She tried to look into her eyes but couldn't bring herself to do so. "I – I haven't been honest with you."

Both of them could feel the heiress' heart drop into her chest. "What do you mean?"

"I –" Korra grumbled and curled into herself once more.

"Korra, if this is causing you pain –"

"No, I have to tell you. I have to come clean." She straightened herself, agony in her eyes. She summoned the willpower to lock onto the peridots in front of her. "Asami, I didn't go to Air Temple Island."

"What?"

"Well, I did. That's actually not the lie." She lowered her head and exhaled. "It was how long I was there for. I didn't spend the whole time that we were apart with Tenzin. I went somewhere else before that. I went to the Fire Nation."

"The Fire Nation?" There was a bit of unsteadiness in her voice. "How? Why?"

"It's a lo – ahhh –", she looked away and rubbed her temples to alleviate the pain, "– a long story. Every time I try to remember it, it hurts. Certain parts of it. It hurts so much, Asami. I wish it would stop and just go away. I've – I've never felt a pain quite like this before, and you've seen me after the assaults…" She met her irises with watery ones.

The greens were unyielding in their portrayal of Asami's mixed emotions. "Korra?"

"Please – please don't be afraid of me again. Please don't hate me now. I didn't have a choice!" She curled into herself again, another sharp sting stabbing her.

"What do you mean 'you didn't have a choice'?"

"I – I was in the earth prison – the last I remember – before all of this crazy shit started. Some random Earth Bender guy came along with his weasel and freed me. He – he went somewhere, I can't really remember where, and my body – I was so tired, Asami. I don't think I really slept when I was in the prison, and I was stuck in the storm the whole night. It was so cold…" She met her peridots only to look away just as fast. "I didn't really know what I was doing. My body just started moving. It's – it's all really hazy." She groaned and withdrew as a pulse shook her. "It hurts."

"You moved without realizing it? Like – like you were sleepwalking?"

"Exactly." She sat up and held her knees to her chest. "Kinda. It's hard to explain. I could still see some of what happened, though it comes in – bursts." She buried her head for a moment to stave off the throb. She lifted it once more, but avoided Asami's eyes. "I went to Master Aang's Memorial Island and had a really –" She gritted her teeth to another onslaught. "Weird dream. I – I think I spazzed out at some point. I started – started shaking and I passed out."

Concern replaced the frustration on her face. Asami reached out and took Korra's bruised hand in hers.

Korra elevated her eyes to meet the raven's. They still held a swirl of feelings, but it was a bit less severe. She glanced at the pale fingers wrapped around her injured knuckles. "These bruises – I punched a pillar. I was getting angry, and I punched it."

"Why were you angry?"

"Because of everything that was happening! It was so confusing. It still is. And I – I just –" She dropped her eyes. "I wanted it all to stop. The pain. I don't know why it's so painful."

"Is that why you went to the Fire Nation? For answers? For help?"

She nodded but avoided looking at the engineer. "Sorta."

"There's something else, isn't there? You told me not to be afraid of you or hate you…"

She repeated her motion. "My subconscious was the one that took me to the Fire Nation, that made me swim all the way there, but not entirely for answers about my," she balled her empty fist to fight off another ache, "pains. Asami, I was getting frustrated because I was – I was trying to Fire Bend."

"You –"

"I was cold and freezing and I needed some way of generating heat but I was in no shape to make a fire with wood and I don't even think there was wood around because I was in a building and –" She keeled over in agony as her emotions and attempts at remembering worsened her mental state. "I – I didn't want to, but I had to. I had to try if I was going to make it through the night."

"Korra, relax." Though Asami was a bit frozen in her spot, she kept her tone calm. "If you get any louder, you're going to wake your parents."

She retreated, but only a little bit. "They can't know about this, Asami. Please don't tell them."

The engineer raised her eyebrow. "Since when have I ever spilled your secrets to them?"

"Well, you did tell them about what happened at the university." The words left her mouth before she could think to stop them.

A look of anger and disbelief spread across the heiress' face.

Korra peeked at the woman in front of her when silence fell between them. She recoiled and rethought her statement. "I'm sure my dad didn't really give you much of a choice, did he?"

She shook her head, irritation still in her eyes. "No, he didn't. He was – eager – to learn about what happened." That wasn't quite the word Asami was looking for, but she went with it anyways.

"He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"Absolutely not." She almost told her about how protective Naga was when she caught something in Korra's expression. "Does he – does he have a history of being violent?"

Korra looked away. "Not really, no. Him and my mom do Water Bend at each other when they are having really bad arguments, like really bad ones. But mostly when they fight, it's just discussions and sometimes, hollering and bickering."

"I – I had no idea, Korra. I know you've told me in the past that they used to fight each other when they Bent, but I didn't realize that it was from arguing and not just heated sparring."

"It only happened once, when they had a fight bad enough to Bend at each other." She receded into herself. "It was about me not being a Water Bender, after they took me to see Master Katara because my dad thought I was ill and that was the reason why I couldn't Bend. When Katara found nothing wrong and my parents had to accept that I wasn't a Water Bender… it was a long night that night. Everything would just be easier if I was a Water Bender. They wouldn't have fought as much. Things wouldn't be so…" She sighed, falling further into sadness.

Asami looked Korra over and realized her fingers were still wrapped around the Water Tribe girl's. "Has he ever hurt you?"

"No. He would never do that to me. He's never actually hurt my mom, either. He's just a bit… hot-headed, I guess."

Concern continued to fill the engineer as she considered her own time spent with Tonraq. She gave her hand a small squeeze. "Were you successful?"

Korra lifted her sight to the question and met Asami's eyes. Her peridots still held a large vortex of emotion that she couldn't read. "Successful at what?"

"Learning about Fire Bending."

She exhaled and looked away. "Sorta. I learned all about the basics and the kata and even some advanced techniques. But I haven't been able to make fire on my own yet. Not the right way, anyway." She leaned over and pulled her bag towards her with her free hand.

Asami watched with a curious expression as the brunette retrieved a red book from the carrier. It had a golden inscription on the front.

"I've read this book cover to cover, did everything it told me to do, but I still haven't been able to extend my chi past my limbs. I've got my inner sun, too," she glanced at the heiress for a moment before continuing, "but… I don't know. Maybe it was just a fluke." She tossed the binding back into her bag and shoved the sack away.

"What's been stopping you?"

"A lot of things, to be honest." She rubbed her temple as a pounding ache moved to the forefront of her mind. "Mostly, it's been this pain. Every time I get close I –" She curled into herself again as a bolt shot through her. She gritted her teeth until it went away.

"Shhh, relax." Asami hesitated before pulling her closer; Korra was more important at the moment, and at the moment, she was in terrible agony. "You said sleep might help you get rid of this pain. Maybe we should try to get some rest. The sun will be rising soon and I'm sure your parents will want to get moving right away."

She nodded and melted into the woman's embrace, cradling her skull with her free hand. "I'm sorry, Asami."

The engineer separated their hug and forced Korra to meet her eyes with a lift of her tan chin. "Sorry for what?"

"For everything. For all of this. For running away. For breaking my promise to you and my parents."

"What promise?"

She tried to look away but was kept in place. "I told myself – after I Fire Bended to protect you from Kuru – that I would never Fire Bend again."

"Why?"

"One: my parents could never find out about it. It would tear the family apart. We've gotten so much stronger and closer since I was a kid, but if my dad didn't think I was his… Mostly, though, it's because I still see your eyes, Asami. You were so afraid. Afraid of me. I know it was unexpected to see fire fly out of my fist – I was just as surprised, trust me – but I – I don't want you to be afraid of me. And I don't want you to hate me."

"Korra, I already told you that I don't hate you for being a Fire Bender. I don't think I could ever hate you."

"But are you afraid of me? Now that you know…" Her tone was serious, as was the look in her ocean irises. A small fire burned inside of her.

"I'm not afraid of you."

A silence fell between them.

"You're telling me the truth, right?"

"I'm telling you the truth, Korra."

A soft smile spread across her face when she saw the sincerity in her expression. "All this time. All this time, I thought… I felt like…" She ignored the pain and glided her free hand into Asami's hair. She dove into her peridots until her exhaustion crept into her sight. "Asami…"

A powerful gust made its way through the tent and shook them both. The raven shivered from the cold once more.

"Come here, Asami. I'll keep you warm." She slid her palms onto Asami's shoulders. "If – if you want me to."

She didn't say a single word to respond. To be honest, she was just too tired and a bit overwhelmed. The past few days were taking a toll on her, and with the addition of this new information… She just wanted to rest and think things over in the morning. So she simply moved into Korra's embrace until they were both in a similar position prior to the Southerner's reveal. When her tan fingers were just as hesitant as before – if not moreso – Asami took her bruised right hand into hers. This was something she would go over and deal with later, or so she kept telling herself. She didn't know if it was denial, avoidance, or just plain enervation. All of this – this sleepwalking-swimming thing, mysterious Fire Bending abilities, horrible pain just from trying to remember hazy occurrences and even worse nightmares – all of this was new to her. And she was much too exhausted to process it now. All she wanted was to lay with the woman she cared about so much, the woman who had snuck – no, smashed – through all of her barriers in such a short amount of time and claimed her heart as her own without even trying. This woman whom she was so worried about and continued to be worried about, even after all this time. The woman she couldn't help but miss during her lonely nights in her empty Estate, when her mind was running over the exact notion of liking her so much. The woman who kept showing up in her dreams, whether good or bad. This woman, whom she couldn't manage to push away or hate in the slightest, after everything that happened…

She tried to find the peace they had before Korra confessed. There was a part of her that almost wished she hadn't said a damn thing. From what she could feel beside her, Korra felt the same. They would be lucky if sleep came to them. An occasional twist and squeeze of her hand told Asami that, if the Water Tribe girl was drifting, she was headed right into another nightmare that was sure to cause her even more pain. She could feel the other woman's regret, too, and it wasn't something that she wanted at all; she didn't want Korra to feel like she couldn't open up to her. In all honesty, she believed she would be the only one who Korra would ever find solace in when it came to her secret Bending. Another tense of the brunette's muscles pulled her attention away from her thoughts. She hated the feeling, hated knowing that Korra was going to hurt so much. So she fought through her own unclear feelings and moved herself closer to the woman, until their bodies touched and Korra began to ease behind her.

Because despite how much she loved this woman, despite how much she desired this woman, despite everything she felt towards this woman, she couldn't shake the fact that she lied to Korra – lied right to her face when she was vulnerable – just as the Water Tribe girl had done to her by the campfire earlier that night. Her guilt urged her to forget, to bury it all and just help Korra in any way she could.

And so she did.

Because despite all that they had been through, and the fact that she didn't hate the woman next to her, she couldn't deny the truth, the actual truth, before she pushed it underneath into the deepest vault she could find – one so distant, even Korra couldn't come crashing through it. She didn't know why she felt this way, couldn't quite place an exact reasoning for it in her enervation. Perhaps it was always there and she never knew about it, or perhaps it was just these past few minutes that brought it into creation. It might even be a trick of her exhaustion, her brain too strained from days passed. She would figure it out later, when her mind was rested and restored. Nevertheless, she was feeling it now, whatever the reason may be, and she didn't know what to do with it other than to push it far, far away. It was a confusing truth that she was forced to recognize:

She was afraid.

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