Chapter 4

Cas was standing outside of the motel when Dean returned. He stood stoic beside the entrance to the darkened room within.
"You were gone for a long time, I was worried," Cas said as soon as Dean came into the light of the motel sign. Dean looked up at him and could clearly see just how worried Castiel was by those two blue emotion portals boring into his skin. He had not realized how late it had gotten but Cas was right, he had been gone for a while. He spent the whole time in the bar trying to escape from his thoughts and then the whole walk back to their room trying to make sense of them. His mind kept returning to the moment that Cas looked up at him and their eyes met. He didn't understand why and he didn't like not knowing what was going on in his head.

"Yeah, uh…sorry Cas," Dean ventured while he scratched at his head. He couldn't meet the other man's eyes. He was worried that it would affect him in the same way as the encounter before.

"Do you not want me here?" Cas asked and Dean looked up at him in spite of himself.

"What?"

"Are you late to return because you want to avoid me?" his voice sounded all business but there was hurt in the man's eyes. Dean wasn't good at this. He didn't like to have the heart-to-hearts with Sammy, and now he's getting put in the position where he has to have one with an angel as well.

"Cas…no, I…I just needed to work some things out." Like why his heart was racing for no fucking reason, and why he felt so nervous with the other man staring at him.

"Did you?" Cas took a step towards Dean, and then another. Coming off of the motel stoop and into the sandy parking lot where he stood. The act made Dean feel wary and yet comforted at the same time. He liked the way he felt when Cas was close by, but was freaked out that he felt that way.

"Not really," Dean admitted, "But I'm trying."

"What are you trying to work out, Dean?" Cas said and suddenly he was there, standing right next to Dean, with his head cocked to one side, and his eyes trying to strip away every layer Dean covered himself in to take comfort in his empty inside. Dean had that feeling again. He was drowning, he was falling…

"Cas…we talked about personal space…" Dean whispered and his voice broke at the end.

"Sorry, Dean," Cas said reluctantly and he stepped away from his friend. Dean let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding and moved to walk around the angel. He didn't know how much more of this emotional roller coaster he was willing to ride that night.

"Come on, it's getting pretty late and I want to talk to Sam in the morning. We should get to bed."

"I do not sleep, Dean," Cas said following behind him.

"Then read a book or something," Dean retorted as he opened the door. Sam was already sound asleep in his bed and as usual, Dean's bed staked claim closest to the door. He threw himself onto the mattress and groaned from the long day. He stared up at the ceiling but could see Cas from the corner of his eye slip into the room and close the door behind him with a loud click. The angel moved toward the table and eased into one of the chairs where he sat and turned to watch Dean sleep. Dean tried to ignore the other man and stared hard at the pocked plaster of the ceiling. After a while he let out a long sigh. It was no use.

"Do you have to sit there and stare at me like that?" he snapped at the plaster on the ceiling.

"I am sorry Dean, I don't know where else to go."

"Just turn your back or something so you aren't looking at me." So Cas did as requested and turned the chair so that he was staring at the wall. Dean watched him for a moment and then sighed again. "Cas that's stupid. Stop staring at the wall."

"But you said…"

"Forget what I said. Is there somewhere else you can go for the night?" Dean asked and watched as Cas contemplated this question.

"I would like to go to the meadow," he said at last in a small voice.

"Fine. Go there. I'll have you come back in the morning."

"Yes, Dean," Cas replied, and with a flap of wings, he was gone.

Sam was awake long before Dean and took the time to tidy the room. It was ridiculous how many burgers Cas had brought for Dean. How did he even pay for all of them? And a waste too. Sam could not bring himself to eat such things and tried to make it a point to balance his diet as best he could on the road. He was certain that as soon as Dean reached thirty-five, all these burgers and slices of pie were going to catch up to him and he was going to get fat. Sam truly looked forward to the day so that he could taunt his brother twice over for all the comments Dean made about Sam's food choices. With the food properly disposed of, and his bed made. Sam took a quick shower then moved to wake up his brother.

"Dean, it's almost 11 o'clock. Seriously, dude. You need to get up." Dean groaned at his brother, but managed to roll out of his bed and slink into the bathroom. Sam flipped through the local news while waiting for his brother to get done, and settled in to watch a local station discuss the big fair that was going to open that weekend. Fairs are idea spots for monster feedings.

Dean stepped out of the bathroom dressed in his usual jeans and tee; toweling his hair and with a toothbrush stick in his mouth. He reached for his phone to check for messages.

"Looking to see if Cas called?" Sam teased but Dean leveled him with a flat stare that Sam could only imagine its meaning. "I mean, you know, 'cause he was thanking you for his phone yesterday." Dean relaxed a little at this but didn't respond. Instead he went to spit his toothpaste out and toss his towel on the bathroom floor. When he returned, he looked around disgruntled.

"Where are my burgers?" He asked and Sam threw his hands up in exasperation.

"Oh come on, they set out all night. You know how many diseases could be caused by those things?"

"Sammy they were still good, and you wasted them! Come on, let's go get some breakfast. I need to ask some of the natives about a certain Angel that lives around here."

"An angel?" Sam asked puzzled, and Dean seemed to flinch.

"Not an angel, a girl named Angel. Come on, I'll explain while we eat."

Castiel opened his eyes to the sun rising at his feet and listened to the chorus of birds reciting their morning song. He had spent the night in the meadow listening to the rustle of grass from the wind and hearing all the night sounds of animals and insects keeping chorus in time. It was a lovely and peaceful place, and he wished he could never leave. Yesterday was horrible. He upset Dean somehow, and he cried; openly sobbed in front of both of his friends. It was no wonder they did not call him to return. He wanted to just disappear forever with all the embarrassment and shame he was feeling.

"It's about time you find your way back don't you think?" Eros called, but Castiel did not bother to turn his face to greet the boy. This past day had been utterly exhausting and he was in no hurry to face another long day in this state. "Come on, Cas, the party is just getting started. You can't bow out now."

"I will be certain to repay you for this when I am better," Cas said sternly, "…and I will go when I am ready," he added, trying his best not to sound sullen.

"You mean you will go when they summon you to," Eros corrected and Cas could not argue that point of truth. "You need to learn to be a little more reckless, Castiel. After all, they have to forgive any transgressions with your current state of mind. Don't you think? If I am going to have hell and Holy fire rain down upon me, I at least want to enjoy my experiment to its completion!"

"Is tormenting me worth what it will cost you, boy?" Castiel spat at the sky.

"Come on, Castiel. You can't hide forever." Cas thought about this a moment and realized that Eros had a point. It hurt him that it was already well into the day and still he heard no word from Dean. He tormented over how to approach this without being too intrusive. Maybe though, he should just go. He asked for his friends to help him and they seemed willing, so he should go to them now and seek out that help. They would understand. Dean would understand.

Slowly, Castiel moved his stiff legs and made his way to his feet. The cold of the earth must have crept into his body and caused him to ache in ways he didn't know he was capable of. Perhaps another side effect of the game Eros was playing. Thinking about the boy, he turned to look for him in the meadow but the angel had already made his departure. Just as well, Cas really didn't want to speak civilly to him anyway. Closing his eyes, Cas space shifted to the motel room where the Winchester boys were housed and found it to be empty. The television still rolled through news footage and condensation still fell from the bathroom mirror. They had not been gone long then, but Cas was willing to wait for them to return. Sitting at the edge of Dean's bed, he thought of ways he could occupy his time, and looked into the open bathroom at the shower.