Chapter 16
When they made way past the flicking light of the fire and into the darkness beyond, Castiel let Dean go and Dean stepped away from the angel straightening his jacket.
"I would have gone on my own, Cas," he said with mild irritation.
"I doubt it," Castiel said simply. They were silent for a while then, picking their way over the rough terrain while Dean's eyes adjusted to the moonlight. Ahead he saw an outcropping of large rocks and decided it was a good a place as any to park his ass. He led the way with Castiel a few steps behind him. Upon reaching its breadth, Dean climbed up to its summit looking for a place to sit. He settled on a large flat rock, stretching out the length of his body and nested his fingers behind his head. The sky above him was overcast and gloomy. It looked nothing like the sky that Dean and Castiel once laid beneath so long ago. When Castiel didn't join him, Dean glanced down and saw the angel was standing at the edge of the rocks outcropping watching him.
"Are you coming up here?" Dean asked.
"Do you want me to?" Castiel cocked his head to the side, but gave away little of his thoughts with his expression. Well Dean certainly wasn't going to beg. It was so much easier when he could tell what Castiel was feeling. When he could see the look in the other man's eyes and know the longing that was just under the surface of it; wishing to be slaked. Yearning to not be ignored.
"We can do it your way then," Dean said gruffly, "why did you bring that bastard into my camp?" The clouds slid over the mood then, and shrouded them in shadows.
"We need him, Dean."
"Bullshit," Dean spat, "after what he did to you…what he did to us…"
"Do you regret it then?" Dean sat up and looked at Castiel, confused.
"Come again?" He asked as his eyes peered into the shadowy place where the angel stood.
"Do you regret what Eros did to me?" Castiel said with a tinge of edge in his tone. Dean gave his head a shake in disbelief and laid down again to look at the sky. He didn't want to answer Cas's question but didn't see another way around it. Cautiously, he opened himself up; just a crack, and let the angel peer through the door.
"I don't regret what he did," Dean said with a sigh, "how could I possible look back at the time we had together and regret. I just…don't like that he hurt you."
"He didn't hurt me," Castiel said from the shadows below him, "you did." Dean recoiled as if slapped and the door inside him slammed shut. He sat up again and glared down at Castiel.
"How can you say that?" he said incredulously; his heart stinging from the blow. Castiel stepped towards him and Dean resisted the urge to lash out at the angel to reciprocate the hurt. It wouldn't have the same effect anyway.
"Those two days I spent with my emotions and sensations unchecked, were some of the most amazing experiences I ever had. Except for you Dean."
"Well, fuck you too," Dean said coldly and scowled at Cas. The angel continued to hike the rock ledge towards where Dean sat. His movements were slow and calculated, but his eyes never wavered from Deans. As the moon cut away from the clouds, his face illuminated like a ghostly specter and Dean felt the familiar ache inside him to reach out and touch his friend. To hug him, to cup hands to his face, to kiss him long and slow and deep. The feeling wrestled violently against the hurt and despair; plummeting him over the edge to dismal rejection.
"Every time I saw you Dean, my body felt more alive than any other time in the thousands of years I have lived," Castiel continued, "And you kept running away. The way I felt when you left me…the confusion, the terrible pain inside me, I do not want to feel like that again Dean. That was why I told Sam it was a mistake." Dean closed his eyes as a cool chill covered his body. All his fault. Everything was always all his fault. Christ, but his chest hurt. Castiel reached Dean at last on the rock ledge and sat down beside him. They were silent for a while as Dean struggled to not give in to the urge to just give up on all of it. To just walk off into the sunset hi-ho-silver style, and to hell with the whole lot of them. Castiel waited silently.
"Castiel…Cas…I'm sorry," Dean choked out. "I was going through a lot of shit myself, you know. You can't just spring all this emotional crap on a man and expect him to …."
"I understand that now, Dean. I …have been watching you. I see how you hurt. I have heard your prayers. I heard those darkest times when you were crying for me, begging me to come to you and-"
"Alright alright alright," Dean cut the angel off. Damn but this was embarrassing. He laid back down in a huff and tried to concentrate on the sky instead of the way Cas stared at him.
"My point is," Castiel went on, "I understand now that when I went away you hurt too. But that didn't stop you from wanting to feel the way that you did. I wanted to feel that way again too. And so I found Eros." Castiel laid down next to Dean and pulled a small vial out of his pocket that he held up for both of them to see. "And Eros made me this."
Hope fluttered along the edges of trepidation in Dean. He hated how crazy his emotions got when he was around Castiel, and though it seemed as though the angel was not so moved as Dean anymore, he obviously still gave the situation a lot of thought. Studying the contents of the bottle, Dean's eyes followed the swirl of the liquid as though it moved like smoke. A tiny blue storm, locked away with all its secrets.
"What is that, Cas?" whispered Dean, feeling suddenly breathless.
"A way to remove the veil," Cas whispered back, as he rolled the vial between his fingers. "I can go back to who I was Dean. To the man in the meadow that you kissed and let touch you in your barest of places."
"Cas, enough of that, it's embarrassing."
"Eros is not so much a magician. His angel magic is not like earth magic. Eros is ...a chemist. He makes spells into potions. This one he made especially for me."
"And the Angel fire?"
"Also his design. Far more potent than anything we could construct on earth. We have not mastered the design though Dean," Cas turned to look at Dean and the intensity of the angel's gaze scrambled Dean's emotional cesspool again; pulling him in and hypnotizing him with longing. "It's too volatile. Too uncontrollable in its raw form and needs a filter. The Angel fire we unleashed at Roadhouse was far too potent. I almost…I thought I wouldn't be able to bring you back."
"How did you bring me back, Cas? Your Grace…"
"For another time Dean," Castiel said turning away again. With the spell between them broken, Dean shook his head to clear it. "But for now, I want you to tell me if I should open this. I want to know if I should drink it."
"Whoa, whoa," Dean sprang to his feet and took a few steps away from the angel, "what are you saying, Cas?"
"I already told you Dean," Castiel said, the edge returning to his voice, "it would lift the fog. I would feel again like I did before. I can be the way you want me to be."
"Yeah, that sounds great," Dean said with a hint of sarcasm, "two more days of hamburgers and clothing raids before you go back to being who you really are again?"
"This is different Dean," Castiel said flatly.
"How is it different?" Dean was just about done with the angel's attitude.
"Because Eros believes that this time, the change will be permanent." Castiel sat up and tucked the vial into his jacket once more. His eyes threatened to bore into Dean with their intensity. "I can be the way you want me to be, Dean. Eternally." Dean stared at him for a long time. He thought about Castiel's lips and then his breath, warm on Dean's face when he leaned over to kiss him. He thought about what followed. The feverish touching of hands to bodies and hearts to minds. He thought about the deep rich blue of Castiel's eyes when he looked up at Dean with such raw adoration. The way he cried. His body in the shower. His smile in the sun. Then Dean thought about how a lowly vetala reduced Cas to a something out of a horror movie. He thought about the pain Cas must have endured. His vulnerability. His fear.
"Are you sure this is safe? Have you even tested this stuff on anybody else? How do you know you aren't going to blow up the second you drink it?" He didn't want Cas risking his life for this.
"Eros is a very good chemist." Cas continued to study him with those deep unreadable eyes.
"I think we need to think about this…" Dean could feel the anxiety rising in his gut like a stale burrito. This would change Cas for the rest of his life. Far longer than Dean ever walks the earth, Castiel would be changed. And if something would happen to Dean, Castiel would be left with nothing but his own misery laid bare and stinging like a bad sunburn. The thought was heartbreaking. They held each other's gaze, blue meeting with green, as they frantically tried to find a better understanding of the other.
"Very well," Castiel said flatly and got to his feet. He turned and started to make his way off of the outcropping, leaving Dean to catch up or be left behind.
"Wait…where are you going?" Dean called after him. Trying desperately to cling to the moment they shared alone together a little longer.
"Back to the camp. I must speak to you and Sam both about why Eros is here. I think we have a way for you to win this war." This definitely got Deans attention, but he just wasn't finished with Cas. He raced to catch up to the angel who was doggedly trudging off of the rocks in a pretty dangerous pace with how dark it was.
"Wait ...Cas, wait!" Dean called out and Cas stopped at the bottom of the outcropping with his back to Dean. Dean tried to rush to reach him but he practically was tiptoeing through the boulders to avoid a twisted ankle. Yeah, smart move going up there. He managed to reach the angel, and Castiel turned; meeting Dean's eyes.
"What is it, Dean?" He asked. Dean's mouth felt dry. He was no damn good at this stuff.
"Uh...See it's just... well I..." Dean closed his eyes and breathed. "Cas... I really missed you. I don't really understand why you had to stay away so long but it doesn't matter anymore, I'm just glad you're here now. But... do you always have to be so cold? I'm trying to not be angry and not be hurt. Can you try to care?" Dean could feel the sting at the corner of his eyes but opened them and willed his tears away. Castiel's face showed glimpses of concern and confusion, which made Dean feel a little better to see. A moment later, the angel sighed and bowed his head.
"I'm sorry Dean," he said at last, "what do you want me to do differently?"
"Well..." Dean scratched at his head, embarrassed, "I mean, a hug would be nice." Castiel hesitated but then took a step towards Dean. He extended out his arms offering an embrace and Dean stepped into them. The angel cradled him there in the still shadows of the night. He was warm and firm and protective in a new way when he pulled Dean towards him. The moment seemed so genuine, Dean longing so intense, that he was compelled to go a step further. He lifted his head and softly brushed his lips against Castiel's. The angel watched his every movement as a curious spectator would, but offered no reciprocation. It made Dean feel like he was kissing a stone.