You assholes asked for it.
.
"Yo!"
Little-Kakashi throws himself on the ground wailing, "NOOOO! IT'S A CURSE!"
Older-Kakashi frowns. "Now that's just offensive, kid-me."
"Be nice, Kakashi," Minato says automatically.
"IT'S A CURSEEEEE!"
"By the way, who asked Obito to punch me in the face? Because you're the reason why he's eating dirt right now."
This gets Little-Kakashi to cease his wailing. "You shoved his face in the dirt? Good."
"Hey!" Obito complains.
"If that was Obito, then you're Kakashi, right?" Rin asks, ever the sensible one. (Little-Kakashi doesn't count as sensible, being rather indisposed at the moment.)
"Yep," Older-Kakashi agrees quite cheerfully. "I bet Obito told you nothing of importance!"
"He—I—he—I—" Obito grimaces. "He said that he became half-vegetable."
"Nothing of importance."
"Becoming partially plant isn't—"
"Anyways! Rin, if you hear lots and lots of birds chirping, run like hell. Obito, if you meet a man addicted to plant matter, run like hell. Well, if you can, that is," Older-Kakashi tags on as an afterthought.
"Birds…? Okay…"
"Older-me told me that already…"
"Mini-me, if you want to be an asshole, you have to be an asshole fabulously. You are not doing that right now."
Little-Kakashi glares pointedly at his older counterpart. "Did you call me an asshole?"
"Yes," Older-Kakashi agrees. "I'm an asshole too. Except I'm so wonderfully fantastic people excuse me for it. If you want to be an asshole, you also have to be a badass, so you can get away with it."
"What—I'm totally badass!"
Older-Kakashi waves a hand flippantly. "Moving on… Minato-sensei, word of advice: when picking a godfather for your newborn son because both you and your wife are about to die, you do not pick the mentally unstable permanently traumatized fourteen year old ANBU who also happens to be your student and is going to be flipping out over your death, nor do you pick the perverted sage who gallivants around the world denying his sexuality and chasing a man."
"I'm… certain it was the blood loss," Minato manages after a moment to digest Older-Kakashi's words.
"It'd better have been," sniffs Older-Kakashi. "Or else I'll never forgive you. Oh, and by the way, Obito, I forgot to tell you: practice whatever the fuck you preach you little motherfucking hypocrite."
"W-what?" stammers the poor boy. "What did I do?"
"You shove your nindo down my throat right before you quote unquote die, and when you're missing the entire right half of your fucking body you don't end up crying at all and I'm the one crying his ass off. I end up living my entire life traumatized and turning those goddamned words into what was left of my life."
Older-Kakashi glowers darkly at Obito. "Then, you little motherfucker, come back to life, over twenty years later, on the opposite side of the battlefield, and try to fucking kill me and my student. And wa-la! You've permanently traumatized me! A-fucking-gain!"
A few moments of pure silence later, Minato remarks, quite calmly, "That was rather informative. By the way, Kakashi, I think you need to go to a therapist. Or shove Obito's future counterpart into the dirt even more."
"The latter option sounds rather tempting," Older-Kakashi agrees. "Therapists are a no-no, but I think seeing how close to hell I can get Obito's face is pretty good therapy."
"But don't take it out on me!" Obito wails. "I did nothing wrong! It was all my dickish future counterpart!"
"You're very much traumatized, future-me," Little-Kakashi says. "If you're saying words like fabulousness and gallivanting, then I believe you really need to make that therapist appointment. But don't forget to make Obito eat more dirt."
"Obito!" Rin exclaims at the same time. "Where did you learn words like dickish?"
"From my mom. Where did you learn it?"
"My mom."
Older-Kakashi looks exasperated. "I really, really want to go back to my time now, just so Obito can suffer."
"On your man-period much?" Rin suggests dryly, and all of them turn to give her shocked looks. "What?"
"You're a thirteen year old girl, Rin! Wash your mouth!" (Minato.)
"Rin, you're terrifying." (Obito and Little-Kakashi.)
"Yes, very. How did you know?" (Older-Kakashi.)
"Kakashi!" Minato exclaims, exasperated. "Don't encourage her!"
"I will corrupt whoever I want."
"Do what you want to your students, just don't touch mine!"
"That's heartless, sensei, are you going to forsake your own son?"
"What?" Minato screeches. "Who was the nutjob who gave you my son as a student?!"
"The Sandaime, though you were the nutjob who put Naruto under my care. As a son."
"It was the blood loss. I swear, it has to be the blood loss."
"Would you rather have me as his adoptive parent or Jiraiya?" Older-Kakashi wonders aloud.
Minato looks terrified at the choices. "…you," he admits grudgingly.
"By the way! Jiraiya had Naruto for two years, all by himself!"
"What?" Minato looks that close to tearing his hair out. "And nobody stopped him?"
"Well, Naruto wanted to go, and he did have an S-ranked criminal organization after him…"
"W—"
"They were after the tailed beasts, and you had the lovely idea to seal the Kyuubi into your one year old son. Parenting 101, Minato-sensei."
"It was the blood loss."
"That excuse only works the first time, sensei." Older-Kakashi pauses. "Is there anything you want me to say to your orange brat of a kid?"
"Orange?" Minato asks in disbelief.
"Well, you're blonde, and Kushina-san is redheaded, so…"
"Genetics don't work like that!" Minato wails.
"Actually, Minato-sensei, the hair color genes have incomplete dominance, so it kind of does," Rin pipes up helpfully.
"He just wears orange, by the way," Older-Kakashi offers. "Otherwise he looks like a miniature version of you. Well, I guess I know what to say to Naruto now—genetics don't work like that!"
"What?!" Minato yelps. "No! Don't tell my son I said that!"
"Do you just want to talk to him, or something?" Older-Kakashi wonders. "I guess I could—"
"No," Little-Kakashi and Obito shout at the same time.
"Just—go back, bury Obito alive, and keep your futuristic selves away from me," Little-Kakashi hisses threateningly.
"What he said, except don't bury me alive!"
"I'm hurt," Older-Kakashi says dryly.
"I really don't want to see this future," sighs Rin, rubbing her forehead. "If you turned out this loopy, I shudder to think of the rest of us."
Older-Kakashi grins, and it's obvious, even under the mask. "Is that so… Well, I'd best be leaving!"
He disappears with a poof.
"HE'S GONE!" Little-Kakashi screams with joy. "HE'S GONE HE'S GONE HE'S GONE!"
A few moments later, Little-Kakashi then comes to a horrifying conclusion.
"There isn't going to be another one of those wackos, right?"
"Kakashi-kun, your futuristic insanity is showing," Obito snorts. "You used wacko."
"It's the blood loss."
"You're not even bleeding!"
.
a/n: God fucking dammit I gave in didn't I…
ENJOY. YOU'D BETTER, SINCE I JUST TYPED UP A SEQUEL TO A ONE-SHOT!
Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day.