Kaidan Alenko

How the hell did I manage to make her hate me so much? He wondered as he stared out onto the great void of space that stretched in front of him. I know I screwed up, but why have I let it go on like this? I need to talk to her. But how, when every time I try I just make things worse? I wish I could just let it go, but every time she looks at me like that, another part of me dies. I thought I'd lost her for good once and it nearly killed me too, and yet, every time she's around, I act like a total asshole. WHY?! She brought me a bottle of whiskey while I was in the hospital, came to see me every time I asked, so she obviously still cares. She doesn't want it to be like this any more than I do. I know she's moved on, but... I can't lose her completely. I have to make things right.
Resolved to change things, he left the observation lounge, and went in search of his CO.

Shepard

She sat at her desk, a steaming mug of coffee in hand, as her fingers toyed idly with the picture of Kaidan she could never bring herself to remove from her desk. Ever since she and Garrus had started seeing each other, it sat face down where it had previously had pride of place. Garrus was off calibrating, and in these rare moments alone she usually felt a little lost.

Shepard was no virgin by the time she met Kaidan, but she supposed he had really been her first love. She thought back to the way he'd shyly comforted her in her dark moments aboard the SR-1, unsure of crossing lines and of crew fraternization. Losing her had given him a certain strength of character, even if it had also destroyed their relationship. He had been such a green boy back then, compared to the man he was now. She wasn't sure which she found more comforting to have around. The old Kaidan was much kinder, but hung on her every word in a way she found frustrating. At least the Kaidan she knew now had a backbone, could stand up to her when he disagreed, even if he did it in the most personally hurtful way possible. She respected him more now, even if she liked him less.

EDI's voice disturbed her line of thought and filled her with dread when the AI declared that Kaidan wanted to see her, requesting permission to enter her quarters. She softly placed the picture back down next to the various images of her and Garrus that littered that corner of the desk. Shepard wasn't a particularly sentimental woman, or especially prone to decorate her quarters, but photographs had always been her weakness. Her family had kept boxes and boxes of photographs, dating back to the technology's advent in the 20th Century. Some in albums, some not. Shepard's mother had passed a few on to her when she entered the service, a small album filled with moments from her childhood. One of her sitting on her grandfather's knee as a baby, another of her curled up in her fathers arms as they both slept when she was 3, playing the piano age 12, graduating from boot camp at 18, a hundred moments in between.

Kaidan entered, looking around nervously.
Wearily, Shepard looked up. "Kaidan. What can I do for you?"
"Shepard. Could we talk?" He asked, his expression serious.
"Sure. In fact, I could have sworn we were." She tried to smile.
Kaidan's returned smile looked more like a grimace as he gestured to the sofa on the other side of the room, his gaze coming back to Shepard before falling on his image on the desk. "You still have that photo."
"Congratulations, Major Obvious." She chuckled lightly.
Kaidan moved over the the sofa, and she followed, still holding the picture she sat down in the butch pose she had grown accustomed to adopting as a female in the military. It felt a little strange to sit or move any other way now.
"I thought you may have thrown it away. Wouldn't blame you after how I acted on Horizon, and the message I sent afterwards." Shepard thought she saw shame play across his features.
"I couldn't just throw it away, not after everything. I realized on Horizon just how incompatible we always were. I loved you, Kaidan, and love, real love isn't something that just dissolves over time and distance. It changes, sure. But it doesn't go away. You were a huge part of my life. I can't re-write history, and I don't think I would if I could. I'm not in love with you any more, but that doesn't mean I don't still care."
"I've been such a moron, Shepard. You are a great woman, and there isn't a day that passes that I don't regret losing you. I hate that you always seem so pissed off with me. I came here to apologise. For letting you go and save Joker alone. For Horizon. For everything after that."
"Kaidan. I ordered you to go and get everyone else off the ship. Who knows how many people would have died without you? Cerberus brought me back, but I can't guarantee they would have done the same for you. Please, don't feel guilty for being alive now. It's not like I'm dead. Not any more " Shepard took a deep breath and unsuccessfully fought back tears at the memory. "As for Horizon... Losing someone you love changes people. I know that, even more so now than I did then. I've lost a lot of people close to me now. Do you know how many people I've only kept alive through sheer gods-damn luck? I held other people's lives in my hands every day . I fought the reapers knowing that if I died doing so, it was okay, because I'd die anyway if we didn't win. So we went on a suicide mission and everyone came back alive, and we saved most of the crew from Collector abduction. Not because I'm a great woman, or Commander, or strategist, but because we were really fucking lucky. We kicked the Reapers collective ass back into dark space because we were really fucking lucky. You know I've always been a pretty strict atheist but I have to admit I doubted myself more than once out there. I felt like the gods were on my side. I can't even remember the last time I was afraid for myself. I have died. Everything from now on is just borrowed time. And I still don't mind. Life is too short for regrets, so please don't count me as one of yours. Live your life and enjoy it."
Kaidan chose that moment to wrap his arms around Shepard and kiss her hair, tears in eyes too now. Shepard hugged him back, just as Garrus walked back into their quarters. Garrus stood, staring at them for a moment or two before Kaidan opened his eyes and noticed the growling Turian hovering in the doorway. He let go of Shepard reluctantly and coughed, blushing crimson.

Garrus

Walking into the cabin he and Shepard shared, and seeing her hugging Kaidan made him inexplicably jealous. Logically, he knew that she didn't want the human, but that's the trouble with love... It's not very logical at all. He stood there growling for a moment before Kaidan noticed him. The shade of red Major Alenko turned only convinced his irrational self further of their guilt.

"Something I should know about, Commander?" He muttered, barely controlling the hurt and jealousy that was twisting into rage. Shepard turned around, face damp with tears and looked at him blankly.
"Garrus. Kaidan came over to talk to me about old times," Her gaze turned to Alenko. "Kaidan, thanks for dropping by, it means a lot. I should probably talk to my fiancée now."
"Yes, of course. I meant what I said Shepard. Don't forget it." Kaidan made a quick exit.

Garrus waited until he heard the elevator start moving before he turned back to Shepard. "Don't forget what, exactly?"
Shepard sighed, "You'll flip if I use the exact words out of context right now, so let me paraphrase. He told me he regrets losing me and that he still thinks highly of me. We talked, I clarified that I still care about him, but I'm not in love with him any more. He still feels guilty for letting me save Joker alone. I told him he shouldn't. I told him that if he hadn't, he'd be just as dead as I was for two years and Cerberus probably wouldn't have brought him back with me. He apologized properly for how he's treated me since Horizon." She looked him in the eyes and raised a hand, a shushing motion, her eyes holding a warning not to talk over her. "Don't get all overprotective on me again Garrus. Yes, he was an absolute bastard to me, I'm not likely to forget that he broke my heart when I needed him at my side, but there's no point in him feeling guilty for it forever. I've moved on, that scar is healing. He needs to move on too. And he won't do that if he spends the rest of his life pining for a woman who died on him, but still waltzes by him every day as a constant reminder. I'm not the person I was then. Neither's he. It would probably be easier to go on hating him and not hear him out, but not very productive. It would have stopped both of us from living our lives. We may have even salvaged our friendship. But at least now I won't ever ask myself 'what if?' and I can honestly say to myself I did everything I could. End of story." She picked the photograph of Kaidan up off the coffee table and placed it next to the photographs of them together, not face down as it usually was but on display, off to one side, next to a picture of her and Tali in Purgatory, looking drunk and silly one night before the battle for Earth.

Garrus looked at his mate standing there and his heart melted. How she could be so reasonable, when everything in him would have demanded the man to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness, to humiliate him the way she had been humiliated. She was just so giving and good... So he gathered her up in his arms and pressed his forehead to hers. "I love you, Eloisa." He sighed. "You, are a great woman."
"Funny you should mention that, Garrus. Kaidan said exactly the same thing. Well, minus the 'I love you' of course," She giggled into his chest. "and I love you too, Garrus Vakarian. Now, let's do some wedding stuff."