Chapter 4

His father leaned against the front of the desk and crossed his arms, casually foregoing the right to sit down behind the desk in his study as he would his office. So he didn't feel like passing judgment. He was going to try to have a talk as father and son, not Kazekage and subject.

Kankuro tried to breathe.

"You've kissed before," Yondaime said.

Kankuro nodded slowly. "Yeah…"

"So, let's start with that," Yondaime said. "Whom? And why? Was it a girlfriend you didn't tell me about because you were afraid I would embarrass you?"

Kankuro's brow furrowed. His father didn't sound angry or disappointed, just resignedly curious. "Not exactly…it was more like…we both wanted to know what it was like. You know, to kiss somebody. And then, we tried it. And then we both decided we weren't going to date each other after all."

Yondaime blinked. "That bad?"

"No," Kankuro protested, flushing. His shoulders slumped when he thought about it for a moment. "It just wasn't good, either. It was kind of like…nothing."

"Ah," Yondaime said, nodding.

"'Ah'?" Kankuro raised his eyebrow at the knowing sound. "Wanna tell me something I don't know about it?"

"Well, you probably didn't like it when you kissed your teammate because she is either not the kind of girl you see yourself being attracted to, or it is all girls you aren't attracted to. In which case, you would be attracted to boys. Which is the more likely scenario to me, considering that you kissed me, and I happen to be a man. Or, more generally, someone of the male persuasion."

Kankuro sighed in exasperation and rubbed his forehead with one hand. "I'm not gay just because I kissed you. I kissed you because…well…you're you."

Yondaime looked mystified. "I'm me?"

"You're my dad," Kankuro said, shooting him a look.

His father only looked more confused. "You kissed me because I'm your father? That would be a turn-off for most people."

"I know that," Kankuro said dryly. "But for me it's a turn-on."

"Oh." Yondaime looked worried and guilty.

"Before you start thinking how you managed to produce something like me, don't," Kankuro said. "You didn't do anything wrong to make this happen. The more I think about it, the more I realize this was a long time coming. I mean, I always idolized you and wanted to protect you against people's bad opinions. When I reached like eight or nine years old, I started noticing how much better you look than other people's parents. I mean, god, you're hot. You really are. You're slim, and you're graceful, and you're everything I wish I could be but I'm not." Kankuro gestured at himself with both hands.

"You're only fourteen," Yondaime protested. "You're still developing. You don't know you won't be like me, yet. And I see you as already being those things. You're graceful. You're very graceful. Puppet masters are graceful, and you fit that description to a 'T'."

Kankuro watched in bemusement as his father – probably unconsciously – inched along the front of the desk towards the door.

Then he used the body flicker technique to appear between the desk and the door. He smiled sweetly, unable to keep from teasing. "Dad…Where are you going?"

Yondaime flinched. "Nowhere."

Kankuro wanted to laugh. "You can't leave until we've finished our discussion."

"Well, it's finished," his father said nervously. "I can declare it finished because I'm the father, and –"
Kankuro slinked towards him, making sure to saunter nice and slow. "I think I like it when you say, 'I'm the father'." He raised an eyebrow, still smiling, and stared his father down. If his father didn't want to believe or understand how he felt, then he was just going to rub it in his father's face until acceptance was achieved.

Yondaime's jaw dropped.

Kankuro leaned forward and touched the underside of his father's chin with an index finger, gently closing his father's mouth. "I think I want you to say that a whole bunch more." He leaned forward the rest of the distance and gently kissed his father's lips. His lower regions were thrilled. Kankuro felt a hot stirring in response to the intimate contact.

"What are you doing?" Yondaime hissed, backing away from him. "We can't do this. We're not allowed – it's not allowed –"

Kankuro simply followed him.

"You have to listen to me right now and stop!" Yondaime ordered, realizing what Kankuro was doing and standing his ground. "I am not going to allow you to chase me all over the place and try to back me into a corner and do whatever else your fantasies dictate that you should do to me."

Kankuro halted, and tilted his head, studying his father thoughtfully. "What's gonna happen to me if I don't stop?"

His father looked stricken.

"How're you gonna punish me?" Kankuro asked.

"Punish you?" his father whispered, paling.

"Yeah, and it better be pretty good, 'cause I'm determined," Kankuro said.

Despite his father's looming presence in the Council chambers, at home he was a soft parent. It was another thing that came of being a single parent. With no one to back him up and help him make decisions, his father most often ended up simply talking to them about their transgressions and forgiving them. Kankuro wasn't about to say he didn't prefer it that way, but he knew that a lot of people in the village would think his father was crazy for not keeping a tighter grip on his children.

The beatings and cursing that his father apparently endured wasn't normal, either, but corporal punishment was, especially spanking. His father had never gone in for spanking, had never struck out at them unless it was in the context of a sparring match, and even then, his father didn't try very hard. As soon as he and Temari had gone from simple exercises to actual sparring with chakra, his father had bowed out. Kankuro hadn't read very much into that, thinking their father was simply busy, but now…

He supposed it made sense. Especially if his father had been abused in training situations. One of his friends' fathers had gone too hard once, but that had been an accident, and his friend had gotten an apology. Kankuro could barely wrap his mind around purposeful abuse, day after day. But it sure sounded like it was that way when he talked about it last night. I mean, he was crying.

Kankuro realized belatedly he'd pushed his father pretty hard in this discussion. The topic of punishment must be really painful for him. And here I went and challenged him to think of a punishment to stop me.

His father was still silent, looking at him with mingled apprehension and sadness.

Kankuro found himself looking at the floor. "I'm sorry, Dad. I went too far. Especially since you told me that stuff last night, I shouldn't have said all that 'punish me' stuff."

His father startled him by swiftly crossing the space between them and hugging him tightly. "Kankuro…you shouldn't be sorry. An argument is an argument. It happens to the best of us, never mind the worst."

Kankuro hugged his father in return, wondering where his father placed himself along that spectrum. Probably more towards 'worst', given ho he seems to be feeling. "Dad…I still shouldn't have. I should have respected you when you said 'no'; I'm not trying to force myself on you or anything." Although, before now, Kankuro could never have considered he had the power to force himself on his father.

"Force yourse –" His father started and stopped, looking startled. "I never imagined that you would do that, my son."

Kankuro was relieved. "That's good. That's really good. Because I wouldn't do a thing like that."

"I know that," his father said earnestly. "You are a good son. You have always been good to me, trying to obey me whenever possible." He smiled. "Even if sometimes childhood antics or personal preferences got in the way. But that happens between every child and every parent. There comes a point when you must be yourself, and I must allow you to be so."

His father's expression grew somber. "That is precisely my point of concern with these professed feelings of yours. I fear that I have brought them on you myself through some form of unwitting manipulation; and in that case, it is my duty to try to undo that manipulation the best that I can."

"And if it isn't?" Kankuro asked. "If it's just the way I feel, no matter what, and you had nothing to do with it?"

His father looked disconcerted. "Well…we'll consider that possibility when we come to it." He led Kankuro towards the dark leather sofa across the room from the desk. "First, we must sit down and discuss exactly what your feelings are, and what expectations you have formed from them."

Kankuro noticed his father's objective to talk about himself as well wasn't happening. That's predictable. He's probably so distracted with me that he doesn't even remember promising to talk about himself. "Okay, Dad."

They sat down on the sofa together, side by side.

His father rested a gentle hand on his back. "Now, please tell me how these feelings originated."

"I don't know," Kankuro said honestly. "I think they've been growing for a while now. I only noticed them last night, but that's because we were together for longer than we've been alone in years. When I graduated from the Academy, you practically stopped spending time with me."

His father was stricken. "I'm sorry." He hugged Kankuro, and then started rubbing his son's back. "I was trying to give you space. By the time I was twelve, I no longer wanted my father in my life."

That's because he beat you, Kankuro wanted to say. Who would want an asshole like that in their life? "Well, I feel different," he said simply. "I want you here."

"I see that now," Yondaime said gently. He paused. "If I spend more time with you, do you think these feelings will go away?"

"I don't know." Kankuro frowned, considering the question. "I don't think so. I mean…I feel the way I feel more when I'm around you than when I'm not." He gave his father a look. "And that is not permission to exile me or something. I'm not going. You might get rid of me because of the Chunin Exam for a while, but I'm not going anywhere. This is my village, too, and I'm a shinobi of the Sand, and this is my job. My livelihood. I'm as linked to the village as you are. So don't get any funny ideas."

"I would never," his father said, plainly horrified, "never exile you from this village. I would not even consider exiling you from this house. I love you. Even if our differences turn out to be irreconcilable, I am sure we will think of some way to compromise a proper code of behavior between us."

Kankuro nodded, satisfied. That was another list of fears eliminated. "Okay then. I agree. We're not barbarians. And we love each other. We said that often enough last night. I love you, and you love me. Even if we can't agree right now on how we love each other."

"Right." His father took a deep breath. "So we're both willing to be reasonable here."

"Of course I am," Kankuro said, knowing the 'we both' was an implied 'you'.

Yondaime nodded. "I am not saying that you should not care about me. I am saying I do not want you to be emotionally enslaved. You should not try to care for me, the way that a wife or a spouse would. That is too great a burden for any fourteen-year-old to bear, even one as mature as you. You need your freedom to grow and explore the world around you. You are a growing adult. You don't need to be confined to home as some grotesque parody of a spouse who exists to soothe my ego and give me a shoulder to cry on. That is absurd."

Kankuro realized at that explanation that they really did need to talk. "I wasn't suggesting that." He took his father's hand and squeezed it. "Not at all. What I was suggesting was…what I think about is…" He swallowed a lump in his throat. "Doing everything together that a father and son should do…except you tell me about your feelings and allow me to help you instead of shutting yourself away in the office and working until three in the morning. Or more. Telling me your problems instead of telling a wine bottle and expecting them to go away like that. You don't want to confide in your bodyguards. You've already said that. You don't have anyone else. You've got me, or nobody, and I think choosing 'nobody' is unacceptable."

"Unacceptable, ne?" Yondaime gave his son a wry smile.

"Yes," Kankuro said firmly.

Yondaime sighed. "Telling you my problems and allowing you to aid in solving them is not inherently abusive…as long as I get to do the same for you."

Kankuro smiled and nodded. "Alright, then. I'll continue to bring my problems to you, just like I would normally. I'm not going to treat you like an emotional cripple who can't help me if I need the help."

His father visibly relaxed, letting out a long, slow breath. "I'm relieved," he said softly.

Kankuro hugged him. "Yeah, Dad. You're still my Dad. That's what I love about you. All this time, and you've never changed."

His father looked startled, but not afraid. "What do you mean? I have changed."

Kankuro shook his head, smiling. "Not the small things. Not the important things. You still try to treat us right, even though you're trying to give us more space now, or whatever. And you haven't stopped doing the things you used to do – celebrating our birthdays, telling us we're wanted, and needed…Those things never changed. And as for the small things…" He allowed his smile to grow mischievous. "I remembered while we were cuddling in bed last night how you used to smell, when you'd comfort me after nightmares. And you smelled the same."

His father flushed.

"The same shampoo, the same soap, and same cologne," Kankuro said matter-of-factly. He loved the fact that his father's flush grew at those observations.

"Ah…well…I like those smells," his father said weakly. "I'm not going to change just because my cologne is going out of style. And those products always worked for me, so I don't see the need to experiment." He looked at his son searchingly. "What does this have to do with anything about…?"

"Nothing," Kankuro said cheerfully. "Except it's something about you that I like. That you don't change. I always know what to expect from you, and that's a good thing. I wouldn't be half as comfortable dating anybody else."

"But you must," Yondaime said.

"I know," Kankuro said. "You say that. But you don't really know what you're talking about because you don't know the way I feel."

His father smiled at that. "Ah. The family stubbornness. 'I'm right, and you're wrong, and that's that'. Is that it?"

Kankuro nodded, grinning. "Mm-hmm."

"Well, are you going to give me a chance to plead my case, or do you think you already know and don't want to hear it?" his father asked.

"No, you can speak," Kankuro said.

"How kind of you." His father made a wry face and ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "I would like to ask you to consider this: The relationship you have implied by kissing me and declaring your love for me has a name. It is called incest. Incest is not and will never be morally sanctioned by the government, or our culture. Incest is considered morally wrong."

Kankuro shifted on the sofa. He did think about it. "Yeah, but other than reasons of 'Ew, gross,' no one can ever give me any reason why it isn't okay."

"Genetic ramifications?" Yondaime suggested.

Kankuro laughed. "Yeah, we're gonna have deformed babies. I would like to see that happen."

His father looked dismayed for a moment, then frowned at him.

"Sorry," Kankuro said. "It's true, though. We're both guys, so that's one reason down. That leaves 'Ew, gross'. I don't think you're gross. You're handsome."

"So that makes everything okay," Yondaime said wryly. "Because I'm handsome."

"Well, are you grossed out by me?" Kankuro asked.

"Of course not," his father protested. "You're my son."

Kankuro shrugged. "Well, there you have it. We're out of reasons."

"It's unhealthy," Yondaime said immediately.

"Why?" Kankuro returned.

"Because!"

"Because why?" Kankuro insisted.

His father took a deep breath and sighed. "Because you will be socially isolated by doing this thing."

"I'm already socially isolated," Kankuro said.

"Well, you can't get any better if you don't avoid obvious social taboos," His father said.

"Too late," Kankuro retorted. "I'm Gaara's brother."

Yondaime winced.

Kankuro let up on him. "I'm sorry. But it's true. You know that. My chances of my social stigma 'getting better' are slim. I'm already doomed to be an outcast. Why can't I be a happy outcast? I'd be happy if you accept me the way I am and accept my feelings for you aren't going to change."

"I accept you," his father said automatically. "I just…" He hesitated. "…don't agree with you."

"I get that," Kankuro said. "But why?"

"Maybe I'm not attracted to teenage boys," Yondaime said wryly.

Kankuro grimaced. "That could be a problem."

"You think?" His father raised an eyebrow.

"So…" Kankuro looked down at his feet. Then he raised his head. "But the emotional stuff is already settled. You agreed to rely on me more from now on."

"Yes." His father nodded.

"So I guess that's all we really have to talk about," Kankuro said.

His father looked confused.

"That's what I really wanted," Kankuro said. "More than anything."

"Then why did you kiss me?" his father asked.

"Because you were going on about how you weren't going to 'use' me," Kankuro said softly. "And that meant you were pushing me away."

"Oh, Kankuro." His father hugged him. "I'm not pushing you away."

"Good." Kankuro hugged his father in return. "Now that I know that, I don't care about the rest. You can reject me as a sex partner if you want. It's your choice."

His father looked horrified and amused at the same time. "Well…thank you," he said finally.

Kankuro grinned. "No problem, Dad." He hopped up. "Glad I could help." He held out his hand. "Now, dinner?"

His father snorted and let Kankuro help him up from the sofa. "This is just another day?"

"Pretty much." Kankuro maintained his grin. He didn't let go of his father's hand until they reached the door of the study. He sighed and let his father's fingers slip through his own, even though he didn't really want to. "Time to go act normal, even if I'm really a perverted freak," he said lightly.

"You're not a perverted freak," his father objected immediately.

"Then what am I?" Kankuro asked. Yeah, answer that one. Somebody.

"You're…" Yondaime hesitated, then reached out and squeezed Kankuro's shoulder. "You're my son."

Kankuro felt inexplicably reassured by that simple answer.

On the way to the dining room, he realized it was because that answer reaffirmed something he had feared was in question: his father's acceptance.

No matter what he'd done, what he hadn't done today was mess up their relationship.