Chapter 23
"Dean." His name startled him awake and Dean gasped from the impact of it. The voice he heard came from inside his mind somehow, but it sounded as though someone had taken a bullhorn to his ear. The aftermath of it still lingered with a soft ringing inside his brain, and he shook his head to clear away the buzz.
As reality came back to him, Dean's first conscious thought was the intense pain. His face, neck, and arms which had received the worst of the abuse, had dried over. While fluid was no longer leaking out of him, the pain to his damaged skin was all the more intense with his skin feeling dried and crispy. He looked like a left over pork rind. When he moved, the pain only intensified but like so many times before, he pushed it away the only way he knew how: He welcomed pain like an old friend.
"Cas? Was that you?" Dean asked in a croak. He worked moisture into his mouth, realizing he must have inhaled some of Cas's scorching Grace as well. Dean looked down at the angel resting in his lap. Cas still shivered; tiny ripples of current along an ocean surface, but otherwise seemed to be asleep.
"Dean," came the voice inside his head again, and Dean winced. It sounded like a roar; like an explosion. It was too loud. Too loud.
"Cass, buddy, you need to turn down the volume before you crack my skull." The fact that Castiel was talking to him inside of his brain in the first place was of no consequence to Dean. He had some time to think about it and suspected that Cas had already spoken to him in this way the last time he was exposed emotionally, they just hadn't realized he was actually doing it at the time. In any case, Dean was just glad to hear Cas's voice after going days without it. He also was relieved that Cas was acknowledging him at all after the scare he had wondering if Eros was right. He worried Castiel was not going to survive his choices, but he seemed to be coming around.
"I am sorry Dean, this is new to me," Castiel mind sent in a much softer tone. But still it reverberated in Dean's mind.
"Can you talk to me?" Dean asked.
"I am talking to you," was Cas's response and the edge of annoyance in his voice made Dean smile. Which made him wince. Fuck, but his face hurt.
"No with your mouth, Cas. You know, actually using words." There was a long pause, and then slowly Castiel started to work his mouth open.
"T-talk like this?" he said hoarsely. He rolled his eyes behind closed lids but otherwise remained motionless.
"Yes! Thank you," Dean said with a sigh of relief. Hearing Cas's gruff low voice once more helped Dean to believe that he could recover from this. He might be alright, and moreso, he might be changed to that person he was before. Dean swallowed, feeling his mouth suddenly go dry again. "Cas can you open your eyes?" Slowly, the angel drew his eyes open, and squinted into the sun. Dean was not sure how many hours had passed while he was unconscious but they still had plenty of time to bake before nightfall. Cas's eyes were bleary; unfocused, and he lifted his head, desperate to seek out Dean.
At last green eyes met with blue and Dean marveled at how deep and pure the color of Castiel's eyes were. The angel looked at him with such vulnerable adoration, Dean could not help but feel the familiar warmth rise up inside him reminding him how much he cared for Cas. Remembering what Eros had said, Dean pushed the feelings down hard inside. He didn't want his emotions to overwhelm Castiel and cause him to go all poltergeist again. He didn't understand how any of this worked but for the time being, he didn't want to risk it.
"F-father in h-heaven," Castiel whispered, still shivering, "you're b-beautiful. B-But look what I d-did to your f-face." Dean tried to shrug which was hard to do while holding Cas, and he could feel his skin crack in places where his blood dried against fabric. Slowly, Castiel lifted a trembling hand to Dean's face. The hunter sucked breath sharply through his teeth at the feeling of skin mending over skin and burns fading into healthy flesh. Looking at his arms, he saw the crusted blood flake away there; giving way to unblemished skin.
"Cas, you healed me!" Dean said, amazed, "Eros said that your Grace-"
"My G-Grace won't be a p-problem anymore, D-Dean," Cas said wearily. In spite of his words, he looked exhausted, and Dean, feeling not only healed but rejuvenated, slid Cas to the earth and got to his feet.
"We need to get you back to town and into a bed." Dean turned to look back the way he had come and tried to gauge how far of a walk it was. Would Cas be well enough to walk that far? "I can see if Eros can help…"
"D-Dean," Castiel whimpered and his voice sounded so distant. Dean dropped to his knees and leaned in close to the angel.
"Cas, what is it?" he asked.
"I'm so c-cold. C-Can you c-carry me, D-Dean?" The angel's shivering intensified now that Dean was no longer holding him. Dean reached out, worried but feeling helpless, and ran hands over Cas's face. He smoothed the creases on the angel's brow and studied the curve of his trembling lips. Dean closed his eyes. What kind of sick bastard was he to think of kissing Cas when he was so obviously not feeling well? He just…needed reassurance and he needed to reassure Cas too but…no. How did that song go? Cold as ice. Dean started to hum the tune in his mind to distract him from the typhoon of emotions he was trying to avoid. He fought to concentrate only on the song and the task at hand.
Wondering if he would be able to hoof it so far back to town with an angel on his back, Dean decided there was no hurt in trying. You're as cold as ice. He didn't want to think about how vulnerable Castiel sounded and how terrified Dean was that the angel was in serious danger. You're willing to sacrifice our love. He didn't want to think about the open uninhibited love behind Castiel's eyes when they looked at each other. You want paradise. All those things would bring about emotions that he couldn't afford to have. But someday you'll pay the price, I know. Turning, Dean got down on one knee.
"Can you get on my back, Cas?" he asked Castiel nodded. He moved his trembling body methodically toward where Dean knelt. He managed, in spite of his vulnerable state, to snake his arms around Dean's neck, and Dean pushed off his legs to get to his feet. He has punched Castiel before and knew the angel was as solid as granite, but he was surprisingly lighter to carry than Dean thought he would be. In fact, he weighed little at all.
"Boy, Cas, you must be on a pretty intensive diet, you barely weigh fifty pounds." Dean tried to joke but his laugh was forced.
"W-w-wings," the angel managed to say and Dean couldn't suppress the pang of worry rising inside him. The shivering was getting worse by the second and Dean could only imagine how hard it must be for Cas to use his wings like he was.
Please, Cas, be okay. Castiel was not quite light enough for Dean to break into a run, but he walked as quickly as he could back to the town of Rexpoint. He would have liked to call Eros to help him, but he could sense that Cas didn't want the other angel around. Hell, he could sense a lot of what Cas was feeling. Like how scared he was and how comforted he felt with Dean carrying him. Dean tried not to think about that too much. He just had to get them back to town. You're as cold as ice. Dean hummed out loud.
By the time they reached the edge of town, Castiel's shivering turned into convulsions. Dean fought to control his emotions as panic wrapped a cord around his neck and tightened into a noose.
"Help me!" Dean managed to call out to some hunters on the street, before toppling with Castiel sliding off his back onto the ground. In spite of Castiel's shivering, Dean was covered in sweat from carrying the angel through the hot southern day and the distance left him exhausted. Hunters came running to aid him and he had them carry Castiel, thrashing and incoherent, into the house Dean had claimed as his own temporary home away from home. The hunters made way into the bedroom and Dean had them place Castiel on his bed.
"Gentle, please be gentle," Dean said feeling so helpless. He asked them to leave the moment Castiel was safely in bed, and they silently obliged him. When the hunters departed, Dean pulled at Castiel's shoes and his coat. He didn't want to make the angel move too much, so he found blankets from another room to cover him in. He layered about five blankets over Cas and still the angel shivered.
"D-D-D…"
"Shh. Cas, baby, it's okay." Dean sat on the edge of the bed next to where Cas laid and ran fingers through the hair at his temple.
"D-Dean," Cas tried again and his teeth chattered through the effort, "D-D-Don't leave m-m-m.."
"I'm here, Cas. I'm not leaving you." Dean thought of Sammy then and how much he wanted to check on his brother, but it would have to wait. He would have to rely on the Chosen to help Sam this time. Dean felt so helpless to both the people he cared most about. Desperate, he reached out to take Castiel's hand and discovered it was as cold as stone.
"Fuck!" Dean recoiled and sprang to his feet. The noose panic had around his neck cinched just a bit tighter. He didn't know what to do. Dean hurriedly worked off his boots and socks. His clothes were damp with sweat so he stripped away his shirt and jeans as well. In just his boxers he moved to the other side of the bed.
He slid under the blankets behind Castiel and pulled the angel into his embrace. Cas's stone cold skin was such a jarring contrast to the heat coming from Dean, it left him an utter wreck. All thoughts of inner tranquility and Foreigner songs left his brain.
"Cas I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do." Dean pleaded. He rubbed at Castiel's arms, trying to get friction to warm him but it was little help. He wrapped himself around Cas as best he could and willed warmth into the angel. He rubbed at Cas's back and his arms. Slid hands over his legs and pulled him closer still. Slowly, over time and with Dean staying close to him, Castiel's spasms subsided once more to the rippling ocean water tremors he had before, and Dean was able to take firm reign of his own emotions. Fuck but this was hard. He fell apart for a minute there, and any cool emotionless void he might have had hold of fizzled away inside him. Holding Castiel's body close to him, Dean leaned over and kissed the angels neck.
"Please be okay, Cas," he whispered, and watched the afternoon sun shift into evening. Without conscious awareness, he drifted off to sleep.
"Try it again," Gabriel said calmly, and Sam felt a strong desire to punch the guy in his throat. They were standing in a park because the angel thought the peaceful environment would help Sam focus. Little good that did.
"I am trying! I have been trying! It's not working!" Sweat slid freely down Sam's brow, and his body ached. It didn't matter that this was all just a dream, it felt very real.
"Pretty boy," Gabriel teased, "gentle boy. You wear your soul like a garment of lace. Soon there will be nothing left to tie the threads together. You have got to try again. Clear your mind but ignore the void. Find my Grace without slipping into your soul."
Sam closed his eyes and strained to focus on the ball of energy, what he once mistook for Angel fire, as Gabriel instructed him, but he kept feeling it slip through his fingers the moment he touched it.
"I can't focus on it!" Sam growled and Gabriel threw his hands up, exasperated. The men exchanged a long tormented look. Both wanted the same thing but to get it to happen seemed impossible. After a moment, Gabriel sighed.
"Look, Sam. I'm sorry. I am not being fair to you. I was constructed for you and only you to use. To feel the energy; the power you have when you wield me...it makes me feel so alive. And I would do just about anything to be alive again." Suddenly somber, Gabriel moved to a nearby bench and sat down. After a moment, Sam joined him.
"I understand how you feel," Sam admitted, "the power I feel when I'm bending arrows. There is nothing else like it in the world. Not demon blood, hell not even Lucifer can compare to that kind of power." Gabriel smiled broadly at the compliment.
"Aww Sammy boy, I'm touched," he said and he genuinely looked pleased. Reaching out, Gabriel took Sam's hand in his own and offered it a reassuring squeeze.
Suddenly, Gabriel's Grace flooded into Sam in a torrent and Sam gasped at the sudden explosion of heat.
"Father's light!" Gabriel said, startled, and he recoiled from Sam, withdrawing his hand. The Grace winked out, leaving a bright afterimage in the air between them. Sam realized he was panting. So was Gabriel. Both men stared at each other trying to make sense of what this meant.
"I need to touch the Recurve, you are my fulcrum." Sam offered.
"You have had your physical hands on the Recurve since the moment we met in the warehouse," Gabriel retorted.
"So for this to work..." Sam said.
"It's not you that reaches out for me..."
"…but instead you have to reach out for me," Sam concluded, and felt a bit dejected. Yet again the control was out of his hands. He's just a pawn to another higher power.
"Don't think that way, Sam," said Gabriel sounding hurt. So he could read the other's thoughts now. Sam supposed there were no secrets when they were both in his mind.
"Why not? It's true," Sam admitted.
"Because," Gabriel said with his half smile, "you will have to let me touch you for this to even work. It's a mutual partnership, you see. Will you partner with me, Sam?" Sam could tell Gabe was playfully teasing him and did not respond. Instead he glared at Gabriel. He was getting a little tired of how everything was a joke to him.
"How can I possibly trust you after everything you have done? "He asked softly.
"Sam Sam Sam," Gabriel said shaking his head. His smile grew, becoming more genuine. "I love humanity Sam, and you are the best among your kind. I would do anything you ask of me. Because I am your angel and yours alone. Because I am Soul-bound to you. Because I am subservient to you. Because I am your lamb and do only what you command of me. And because you are the human I love most of all. So trust me, Sam. Please. Because what else do we have in here but each other?"