Chapter 8

They went home and had dinner with Temari and Gaara.

"So, what's up?" Temari asked casually. "What took you so long to get home? Did Kankuro get in trouble?"

"It would not be any of your business if he were to get in trouble, but no," Yondaime said mildly. He ate a piece of sweet potato tempura. "Kankuro is not in trouble."

"Hn," Gaara said. He didn't look interested in the conversation. Instead, he was picking at his vegetable tempura, which he was only slightly more prone to eating than vegetables not coated in fried bread. There really were few ways to convince Gaara to eat vegetables.

Kankuro ate his tempura onions and zucchini with gusto. He was hungry after all that serious discussion at the therapist's office. Normally, he wasn't a big fan of vegetables either, but if it was tempura, he was more inclined to eat it without internally complaining.

What he really liked was the special teriyaki chicken the cook made, commonly known as General Tso's. Awesome. He grinned to himself, chewing on a bite. Every time. My favorite.

He didn't think he could have a better day. His father was ordered to listen to his feelings, and also to discuss his own feelings about things. Genetic Sexual Attraction was no longer a spectre that haunted every consideration of why he felt the feelings he did towards his father, and his father couldn't blame himself for 'grooming'.

Although, hearing about that was pretty gross. Kankuro frowned.

"Earth to Kankuro," Temari said wryly.

"What?" Kankuro looked up from his plate.

"I asked why you and Dad were late if you didn't get in trouble," Temari said.

"And I said that is none of your business," Yondaime said pointedly.

"Aw, tell 'em," Kankuro said. "They're going to find out when they start going with you anyway."

Their father looked uncomfortable.

"Going where?" Gaara asked suspiciously.

"Therapy," Yondaime said.

Kankuro backed him up. "It's a good thing. It'll work out our differences, and…um…you'll like it. Maybe. The therapist we went to see today isn't so bad. Her name is Yuna. Yuna-san is pretty great, actually."

"Whatever," Temari said. She looked confused. "Why…do we need to go to therapy? There's nothing wrong with us. We're an average family."

Kankuro slid his gaze to Gaara. "Average?"

"Every family's got problems." Temari shrugged.

"And I'm this family's problem," Gaara said. "How is therapy going to kill me?"

"We're not trying t kill you," Kankuro retorted.

"Hn." Gaara looked down at his plate. He ate a tempura carrot, scowling.

"Honestly." Temari sighed.

"If any of you were honest, you would admit that you want me dead," Gaara said.

"None of us want you dead," Temari said.

"I think that's enough," Yondaime said softly. "Let Gaara eat his dinner. We will discuss these issues with a professional, in therapy. Discussions here between us aren't getting us anywhere, with any of our issues. We should consult someone whose profession is solving problems between family members."

"When?" Gaara asked without looking up.

"Kankuro and I will get the hang of it first, and then, when you are ready, we will incorporate you, too," Yondaime said gently. "Please do not be alarmed, Gaara. This is a good thing. Talking about our feelings with a professional will help."

"Hn." Gaara nodded once and bowed his head, closing his eyes.

Kankuro sighed. He knew Gaara didn't believe them. Gaara didn't believe anything could be fixed. Well, he's just going to have to see. When Father and I have made progress, we'll show Gaara, and Gaara will believe therapy can work. It's a plan. That decided, he pushed the thoughts from his head that had to do with worrying about his little brother, he focused on the positive: his progress with their dad today in therapy.

After dinner, everyone went upstairs to get ready for bed.

Then, instead of meeting back in the living room, his father stopped him in the upstairs hallway and quietly asked, "Would you be willing to meet in my bedroom?"

Kankuro nodded. "Yeah. Sure."

His father patted his arm. "Thank you."

"No problem." Kankuro watched his father go down the hallway, then continued on his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and scrub off his face paint. He'd just got done changing into his pajamas.

When he was done, Kankuro went to his father's door and knocked.

"Come in," his father called.

Kankuro opened the door to his father's bedroom and slipped inside, shutting the door behind him.

His father wore a subdued blue yukata made of light material intended for sleeping in. He sat on the edge of his bed, on the side with the night stand. His overhead light was off, but the lamp in the room was on.

Yondaime patted the bed beside him.

Kankuro came over sat down in the spot his father indicated.

"Tell me honestly," his father said. "Did you hate it?"

Kankuro was surprised. He assumed his father was talking about the therapy appointment, but he hadn't known that he'd shown any signs of hating it. "I know I was apprehensive at first, but…"

"If you hated it that much, we can stop going," Yondaime said. "Or we can find a different counselor."

"Nah…I like her." Kankuro grinned.

His father looked surprised.

Kankuro guessed, "It's you that doesn't like her."

Yondaime flushed.

Kankuro grinned. "Ha. I knew it."

His father squirmed. "She's so…straight-forward. All those questions…"

Kankuro's amusement instantly transformed into concern. He wrapped an arm around his father and hugged his father to his side. "No one thinks those things. Yuna-san just had to ask those questions because she had to. You wouldn't see what she meant unless she asked you about those things. You didn't do anything bad to me. So just relax."

His father nodded, clearly trying to convince himself. "I guess you're right. I didn't act unjustly…"

"No. Not at all." Kankuro looked at his father sympathetically. "In fact, you've been a great dad. Anyone would say so under the circumstances. You've had to raise me all by yourself. And Gaara. And Temari. It's a handful. I'm a handful. We all are, in our own ways. And yet, you're still our dad. You never leave. You never tell us to solve our own problems. You always try. Even Gaara, who hates you…you always try to talk things out first before buying him off with some present or leaving him to his own devices. It's his fault he doesn't wanna talk." That hurt Kankuro too, but he wasn't going to get into that. "I love you. I don't want you to be sad or beat yourself up."

Yondaime sighed. "That's right. I must schedule an appointment for depression counseling. I must not waver from my established course: getting help and improving myself, so that you can have a better father."

"Is that why you're doing this? Not to get healthier?" Kankuro was saddened by that. "Just to please me?"

"Not just you," his father protested. "I want to reconnect with Temari and Gaara, too. I feel so estranged from them. I have let them down…Temari, by not being her mother. Gaara, by not being…not being able to erase that one thing that I did that shattered everything."

"That wasn't your fault," Kankuro protested.

"Yes, it was." His father straightened, grimly determined. "It was. I could have given the order for Yashamaru to desist. I didn't. Now Gaara is crushed and Yashamaru is dead and our family is torn apart, and Karura probably hates me…"

"She doesn't hate you," Kankuro said, alarmed. And he hasn't even been drinking anything. God, is this really what he thinks, all the time? That Mom's angry at him? That she hates him?

"I couldn't harm you. Or Temari. But somehow I harmed Gaara, the most precious of you all, the one your mother wanted to protect…" Yondaime was shaking.

"You didn't," Kankuro said. "You weren't there."

"My eye was," Yondaime said. "My eye jutsu. I should have stopped it. I should have reacted quickly, not stood there and watched and wondered what was going on. I didn't understand. I didn't understand until it was too late. One minute Gaara was throwing up, and the next, he was enraged, he…he…Oh, god, what have I done? I keep asking myself: What have I done? What have I done to our child?"

Kankuro wrapped his arms around his father and rocked his father gently, horrified and confused. His father never talked about that night.

Yondaime smiled at him weakly. "You said to talk about my feelings…You and the therapist said I should talk about my feelings…and this happened. I exploded. I'm sorry, my son. I should have held it in better. But the pain…" He paled, and started shaking all over again. "The pain of seeing our child, your mother and my precious child, our tiny child, subjected to that kind of…torture, and then…" He shook his head, wide-eyed, as if no words would come.

"Hey, I remember that night, too," Kankuro said quietly. "You were crying. A lot. That was the first and last time I saw you cry, until last week. Dad…I understand. I mean, I don't understand what happened, and I don't claim to know what you've gone through, but I know about needing to cry. Sometimes…you just need to. Don't be ashamed." He took a chance, and cupped the back of his father's head, encouraging his father to rest his head.

Yondaime rested his head against Kankuro's shoulder obediently.

"I know that you think about that night all the time now, and you think about the night Mom died…but I don't think you should be ashamed of crying. Crying is natural, and not crying…well, that's like…wrong. Because you should cry when something hurts you. It's better than holding it in." Kankuro looked at his father anxiously.

Yondaime smiled, tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes. "Thank you, Kankuro…for that wisdom, your mother was always good at giving to me. I have missed…that wisdom…" He cried helplessly, clinging to Kankuro. "I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be relying on you. But I need you so much. I'm sorry."

Kankuro rocked his father back and forth, stroking his father's back. "I know that if I were crying, you would hold me, too. So it's okay. Please don't be ashamed to cry. I'm here. I'm here for you." He was relieved that after everything that happened, his father came back to this point.

No, he didn't want his father to cry, but if his father did feel like crying, he wanted to be there to be able to offer comfort. Kankuro had become terribly afraid of being shut out. He dared to stroke his father's hair. He was surprised to find that his father's hair was actually very fine and silky. In spite of its spiky appearance, it was anything but stiff or dry.

His father seemed relieved by the affection. Kankuro could almost physically feel his father soaking it up.

"You've been neglected for too long," Kankuro said softly. "You need me now. You need someone to fill the gap in you. I read that children who have been abused need a lot of love and affection and reassurance. You never got any of that, did you? You didn't get it until Mom came along. And then she left. She didn't mean to, but the net effect was that you were left alone. And you were abused again. I know you were. Grandfather came around, and you were always afraid. I knew you didn't want to see him, but he showed up anyway. And he wanted to talk to you in the back, in the study, and you'd go just to please him, and you'd come out hours later, looking like…like…"

His eyes widened. "Oh my god. Dad…was he beating you as an adult? Even then? Was he…was he hurting you? Physically hurting you? Dad? Answer me."

His father progressively curled into him with every question, hiding against his body.

"I'm not angry," Kankuro said automatically.

His father raised his head and peeked at Kankuro's face. "You're not?"

"Why would I be?" Kankuro asked.

"For being weak," his father said as if it were obvious.

"No," Kankuro protested. He cupped his father's cheek and stroked it gently, caressing startlingly smooth skin.

"I would be angry if my father was weak," Yondaime said. "Fathers should stand up to the people that threaten them, so that they can protect their children. I capitulated to whatever he wanted me to do in order to protect you and Temari and Gaara, because I couldn't do anything else. Whenever he came around, I was afraid that he would hurt you or one of your siblings. Even Gaara, I was afraid for, because I didn't know what my father was capable of. He might have. He might have done something. And then I would be left with…" Tears welled up in his eyes. "Left with an even greater failure than before."

Kankuro really tried not to draw any premature conclusions. He wondered if he should even ask. His father was upset enough already. No, he decided. Not now. It would just make Father upset more. His decision didn't stop his imagination from running wild about what happened between his grandfather and his father behind the closed door of the study. "It's okay. You weren't weak. I understand. There was nothing else you could do. You still protected me and Temari and Gaara, so you're still strong. You're brave. You did what you had to in the situation to keep us safe. You kept us safe from Grandfather by sacrificing yourself."

"That's what any father should do," Yondaime said. It was more of a whimper.

Kankuro squeezed his father gently. "I agree. I agree that you set very high standards of fatherhood for yourself, and you met them repeatedly, no matter what was in the way. You're a success as a father, even by your own standards. You went above and beyond for us. You protected us no matter what, even Gaara, even though he doesn't recognize how much protection you've given him by insisting that he live with us, even when the Council wanted to keep him away from the Kazekage Complex. You've made up for what happened to him for his entire life since then. You're his father, you feel responsible, and you're doing something about it instead of cowering in darkness. You're still trying to be his father. You're sacrificing everything you can. Please don't sacrifice me, on top of it. You need me. You need me to be here for you."

His father looked amazed, and stunned. He allowed himself to be rocked and soothed, allowed his head to be petted. Then his eyelids drooped, and Kankuro pulled his father into the bed, raising the covers and getting the covers over the both of them.

"I'm here." Kankuro lay on his back and nestled his father against his chest. "I'm here, and everything's alright now. You didn't do anything bad to me. I have no reason to hate you." He kissed the top of his father's head. "In fact, I love you. I love you, you're such a great father. I love you and I want to take care of you. I'm going to."

His father fitfully fell asleep, shifting suddenly several times before finally falling into a deep enough slumber to assure Kankuro that it was okay to fall asleep as well.