Chapter 11

Kankuro gave his father room for a few days. He figured it was best. After all, the lack of privacy his father had as a child worried him, and he wanted his father to feel comfortable with following Mafumi's advice.

On Saturday, after dinner, Kankuro finished getting ready for bed and padded down the hall to his father's room. He knocked gently. "Dad?"

"Hm?" his father responded.

Kankuro chuckled at the distracted call. "Just checking in on you. Good night."

"No, come in," his father said, startled.

Kankuro hesitated with his hand on the doorknob for a moment, then nodded. "Okay." He opened the door, stepping in and shutting it behind him.

His father's room was aglow with golden light. Kankuro saw that his father had retrieved the matching lamp that belonged on his mother's side of the bed and set it up on the previously forbidden nightstand that sat on his mother's side. He's reclaimed it. Kankuro stared blankly at this unexpected show of progress before taking in his father.

His father sat cross-legged in the middle of the bed, wearing a maroon yukata made of thin material for sleeping in.

"Have you written in your journal?" Kankuro asked.

"Yes," his father said vaguely.

"Good." Kankuro smiled. "I'm just making sure you're staying on track."

Yondaime nodded.

"And I know you wouldn't lie to me, because then I'd have to steal your journal and find out," Kankuro teased.

"God, no," Yondaime said. He looked honestly horrified. "Everything that's come out so far has been abominable. I am out of practice even for me. I would die of shame if you were to read even a word of it."

"I respect your privacy," Kankuro said. He furrowed his brow, concerned. "But I'm sure it's not as bad as you think it is."

"Hmph." His father sniffed. "It's terrible. The worst kind of tripe. I'm only glad it is private."

Kankuro decided to let it go. He knew he wasn't going to change his father's mind. "Well…that's the whole point of it." He smiled encouragingly. "Privacy. This is something you're doing for you."

His father smiled back at him. "Yes." He bowed his head, and then nodded. "I must admit it feels good. I wasn't expecting that."

Kankuro crossed the room to the bed and sat down on the edge of it. "Yeah, well, I knew that." He grinned. "I write all the time. Writing is awesome. It takes your mind off things. It can also tell you things you didn't know you knew." He nodded.

"Kankuro…" His father's smile faded, and he looked worried instead. "We're seeing Yuna-san again on Monday."

"Yeah…?" Kankuro wasn't sure why his father looked worried. "Okay. I'll be there. Obviously."

Yondaime nodded slowly. "So we'll both face our feelings."

"Has to happen," Kankuro said. He wondered suddenly if his father would back out. Now, that wasn't a charitable thought. Kankuro squished it.

"You're right." His father took a deep breath. "Of course."

"Yes, I'm always right," Kankuro teased, unable to help himself. His father had set it up too well.

Yondaime flushed and frowned at him.

Kankuro thought that was adorable. "Well, what are you afraid will happen on Monday? Maybe it's best we discuss that."

"I'm afraid that Yuna-san will tell us that physical touching is wrong in light of your feelings," Yondaime said without hesitation. The words came out in a rush.

"Oh." Kankuro considered that. "Well…" He reached out and squeezed his father's forearm. "She can tell us that, but that doesn't mean we have to stop."

Yondaime wavered, then slid off the bed and stood up. He looked away, resting a hand on his neck, his thumb resting on his chin. His other hand rested on his hip.

Kankuro took this in. He'd only seen his father look this way a few times. One of them was when his father had told him and Temari Gaara would be living with them from now on. It was not a good posture.

He slid off the bed and stood himself, joining his father at his father's side. "Well, if this is our last night together, or second-to-last, or whatever, then I want a kiss before it's too late." He hoped that would distract his father from whatever thoughts were going on behind that morose face.

His father turned to him, startled, and let out a laugh. "Kankuro…you don't stop, do you?"

Kankuro grinned and laughed, too. "No."

Yondaime snorted and shook his head, smiling. "You are just like me. Or Karura. You are always…"

"Pushing?" Kankuro suggested, tilting his head.

"That's a good word for it," his father agreed humorously, crossing his arms.

"Does that mean I get a kiss?" Kankuro put on a hopeful look.

His father snorted again, his eyes glimmering on the verge of laughter. "No!"

Kankuro knew he had successfully distracted his father. Now all he needed to do was draw his father into a debate and keep his father's attention, until his father forgot whatever troubling thoughts had been plaguing him.

"What harm can one kiss do?" Kankuro asked reasonably. "In some cultures, family members kiss each other just to say hello. Tanigakure is like that. Did you know that? They're very physically affectionate."

"Is that research I hear?" Yondaime asked wryly.

Kankuro grinned. "Well…yeah." He shrugged. "I wanna know how other cultures perceive love. I mean, no culture is universally right, right? It's all relative. Like in the olden times, Daimyo and their families were all incestuous."

"And that makes it right? Because the Daimyo did it?" Yondaime shook his head.

"Well, it doesn't make it wrong," Kankuro retorted.

Yondaime passed a hand over his face, looking exasperated. "Kankuro…the Daimyo are a bad example. They did what they did for power. That is precisely the wrong reason to start a relationship with someone."

Okay, now it was getting serious. Kankuro grimaced and struggled to redirect. "Dad, it's just one kiss."

"Is it wrong that I'm tempted?" Yondaime whispered.

The question set Kankuro back on his heels. "You're tempted?"

He gave his son a tortured look. "I'm very tempted." He shook his head, turning away. "I can't conceive of how…" He clenched his hands at his sides. "…how I could…want to do such a thing to another human being, after what I –" He glanced at Kankuro sharply. "Oh, Kankuro." Agony deepened the lines around his eyes. "I should never have – You don't know my father. He –" He turned around to face Kankuro, pale and shaking. His eyes darkened. "I can't. I can't even consider what I am about to do to you. Run away."

I am not running away. Kankuro crossed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around his father, holding his father securely. "Whatever your father did to you has nothing to do with how I feel about you. Or how you feel about me. This is a different thing entirely."

"You don't want it," Yondaime exclaimed.

"Yes, I do." Kankuro took his father's face in both hands and gently held Yondaime still.

His father's panicked eyes met his. "No, you don't! You're confused. You don't want it!"

"Yes, I do!" Kankuro kissed his father tenderly, but firmly, commanding his father's attention.

His father flinched, and then kissed back with gentle desperation, winding his arms tightly around Kankuro and clinging.

Kankuro wrapped his arms around his father more tightly in response, cradling his father against his chest. Yes. Yes. Yes! His father kissing him back felt just as good as he always imagined it would.

"Dad," he moaned.

His father moaned in response, wordless, deep.

Heat coursed through Kankuro and settled in his lower regions, made his cheeks flame. His father's lips somehow elusively plucked at his, knowing just how to move. Kankuro did his best to keep up. He stroked the back of his father's neck, the only way he could communicate the fierce rush of his feelings.

His father licked his lips, tracing them, and then sucked on his lower lip.

Lights exploded behind Kankuro's eyes. He hadn't known such a thing was even possible. He let out a loud moan and let his head fall back.

His father ended the kiss, gently releasing Kankuro's lower lip.

They were both panting.

"Son…" Yondaime's voice was deep, husky from kissing.

Kankuro had to wait for his vision to clear before he looked at his father. He stroked his father's cheek wordlessly.

"Is that what you wanted?" His father actually looked uncertain, after all of that.

Kankuro couldn't help but laugh. "Yes!"

Yondaime clung to him, nestling his head against Kankuro's shoulder. "Oh, good." He let out a sigh of relief.

Kankuro grinned and petted his father's head. "You have nothing to worry about. You are super sexy." Kankuro felt his father's slender body heat up by about ten degrees. "Is that a full body blush?"

"Can't help it," his father mumbled in protest.

Kankuro cupped his father's heated cheek and gently pulled back enough to examine his father's face. Bright red. He chuckled. "It's cute."

"Nn." His father pouted.

"It is," Kankuro insisted. He gathered his father against him and walked to the bed, pulling his father into it and wrapping and covers around them. "Now that that's over with, and it's established that we both really do like each other, I want some snuggles." He settled back against the headboard, supported with a pillow, and let his father curl up to him any way his father pleased.

His father chose to sit between Kankuro's legs and rest his head on Kankuro's chest and wrapping both arms around his son's waist. His legs draped over Kankuro's thigh, dangling out straight.

Kankuro wrapped his arms around his father and held his father happily. He could not have picked a more intimate position if he'd tried. He kissed his father's temple. "You know, in a few years I'm going to be as tall as you."

His father was still blushing. "I know."

Kankuro squeezed him. "Then I'll get to take care of you properly."

His father snuggled against him.

Kankuro trailed his fingers down his father's back. Part of him was euphoric, floating somewhere around the ceiling looking down. Another part of him was trying to figure out what had happened. And how. He knew his grandfather was part of it. If Grandfather hadn't been so horrible, maybe Tousan would have trusted me from the start. And trusted himself.

"Is Grandfather why you wouldn't come forward?" Kankuro asked.

Yondaime whimpered and shifted against him.

That response made Kankuro sad. "We have to talk about it. Sometime. If you don't want to talk about it Monday…we'll have to talk about it ourselves."

His father's arms tightened around his waist so much that Kankuro could hardly breathe.

"I like Yuna-san," Kankuro said softly. "And we still need her help. You don't want to stop therapy now, do you? We just got started."

"Father hurt me." His voice was so choked Kankuro could barely understand him. "In so many ways. I don't want to talk about it. With anybody."

"But you have to," Kankuro said. He tried to get a peek of his father's face.

His father buried his face against Kankuro's shoulder.

"You can't keep it all to yourself," Kankuro said. "It's hurting you. He may be dead, but his memories aren't. So you're still hurting."

"Kankuro…" Kankuro couldn't tell if that was a laugh or a sob. "How right you are. How right you are…The memories don't die. No matter what I do."

"Is that why you drink?" Kankuro asked.

"Sometimes."

"You know you can come talk to me, instead of drinking." Kankuro was having a harder time fighting his horrible assumptions about what had happened. Especially since his father had panicked and blurted out that Kankuro didn't know what his grandfather had done.

"You shouldn't…know."

"Why not?" Kankuro asked.

"Because…" His father shifted, loosening his grip, and looked up at Kankuro warily. "It's terrible."

"But that's why I should know," Kankuro pointed out. "So that I can help you carry the burden. If something really horrible happened to me, I'd tell you. I'd tell you in a heartbeat."

"But I'm your father," Yondaime said. "You're supposed to."

"And I'm your support," Kankuro said, firmly. "So you're supposed to confide in me as well."

"Well…if you really want to know." His father straightened and took a deep breath. His eyes were dark and troubled, smoldering with old pain.

Kankuro watched his father warily and nodded.

"It's quite a story," Yondaime said. He gazed across the room, at the wall.

Kankuro stroked his father's back slowly. "Start whenever you're ready. I'm listening."

For a few moments, the room was silent. Yondaime studied the shadows on the walls, cast by the golden glow of the bedside lamps.

Kankuro held his breath.

His father began. "I was a sickly boy…"