He didn't sleep that night.
Granted, he didn't sleep much anyway- the nightmares had lessened, but never ceased completely- but he had way too much on his mind to sleep.
Now that he'd made the decision to leave NCIS, he had to give serious consideration to what, exactly, he was going to do with the rest of his life. It was something he'd never really had to think about before. He'd known from the time it had dawned on him that he wasn't destined to join the Navy what he'd wanted to do. NCIS was his dream job.
But there was one other thing that he'd proved he could do well. His second book had sold even better than the first one- a fact he kept carefully secret from the team. He knew he could do it. The question was, did he want to? Did he really want to spend the rest of his life living vicariously through books? And would he really be able to keep it up? Granted, his years on Gibbs' team had given him plenty of material, but that wasn't all he needed.
The morning brought him no closer to answers. Remembering his appointment with Ducky, he reluctantly got ready for work and left his apartment.
...
He was quieter than usual during the exam, answering Ducky's questions when he was asked, but not volunteering any information. His mind was elsewhere, and he didn't notice the unusually sharp looks directed at him by the elderly medical examiner.
He managed to pull himself together enough to feign enthusiasm when Ducky passed him as fit for field work. Once the paperwork was completed, he left the morgue, unaware of Ducky's gaze following him out the door.
...
After McGee had left, Ducky heaved a sigh and shook his head. Something was wrong with that young man, and he wasn't entirely certain what it was. For someone who'd put so much effort into being declared fit for duty again, he didn't react the way Ducky had expected.
A thought struck Ducky just as the automatic doors opened again, admitting Gibbs into the morgue.
"Ah, Jethro, I was just about to come in search of you."
"You've seen McGee."
"Yes, he just left."
Gibbs gave him the patented 'look', the one that made it perfectly clear that he was waiting for more of an explanation. When none was forthcoming, he pressed a little. "So what's the verdict, Duck? Is he fit for field work?"
"I cleared him physically, yes." Ducky hedged slightly.
"But?"
"I'm not certain about that young man's mental fitness just yet, Jethro."
"How so, Duck?"
"Oh come on Jethro, surely someone as observant as yourself has noticed the change in Timothy?" He waited for a moment. "Put simply, the very nature of his injury is isolating. He's been unable, up until recently, to do the things we take for granted. It made him feel useless, a burden. Being apart from the team so much hasn't helped matters at all. There is a distance between Timothy and the rest of the team, one that simply wasn't there before."
"We've all been here, Duck."
"Have you really, Jethro? Think about it. What cases have you been working on for the past few months?"
He watched as Gibbs mentally reviewed their cases over the last little while, and caught the grimace that Gibbs tried to hide.
"They've all been short cases, mostly field work, am I correct?"
"Haven't had a big one in a while" Gibbs admitted.
"Field work is the one thing that Timothy has been completely unable to help with for several months now. With him spending so much time by himself, away from the team, is it so unusual that he would start to think of himself as separate from it?"
"McGee is a valued member of my team, Duck."
"Then I suggest you tell him so."
Gibbs nodded, and Ducky knew his advice had been taken on board.
"However, Jethro, I'm not sure that's the only thing on McGee's mind right now. When he left here just now, he didn't look as happy as I would have expected from someone who's tried so hard to get back into his position. Perhaps something else is bothering him as well."
"Probably nervous about his other tests, Duck."
"That is a possibility, of course." Ducky allowed. McGee's trepidation about any of the routine tests the field agents had to undertake, particularly polygraphs, was well known.
"Thanks, Duck."
Gibbs left Ducky alone, throwing his empty coffee cup into the bin on his way out.
...
McGee went up to the bullpen and left the paperwork that Ducky had given him on Gibbs' desk. He knew that Tony and Ziva were watching him as he went to his own desk and sat down; he avoided looking at them, knowing that they'd want to congratulate him; he didn't feel like dealing with anyone's congratulations right now.
Luckily for him, before the silence could get any more than just slightly awkward, Gibbs returned to the bullpen and took Tony and Ziva with him into the field. He gave them a few minutes to get clear of the building before he picked up the phone and cancelled his psychiatric evaluation.