New fic chapter two

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
I've lost everything

- Kate Havnevik

…...

I felt far away from everything else, like there was a one way glass wall that was keeping me from seeing things, while everybody else stared at me. But there was no glass wall, nothing that I could break down and smash and get rid of- I was the glass wall, my body was. I was trapped inside my body, unable to move let alone breathe.

I could've joined the Marines; gotten far, far away from this place and everything that had happened… Where no one knew who I was or what had happened, and wouldn't stare at me like I was about to break at any moment. I could've been a surgeon over there… And save people like Tim who died because there weren't enough freaking surgeons. Kind of ironic, don't you think? The guy with a surgeon for a sister died because there were no surgeons. But I couldn't think of that, I had to think of my parents. What would I joining do to them? What if I didn't come back? I couldn't do that. Not to anyone.

Work seemed like the only thing I had right now. Everyone else around me thought I was going to break, or flee, or something, but I wasn't. . Work took my mind away, so that was me and the patient and none of the mess. After my very close considering of the Marines, I'd decided to take the fellowship at Seattle Grace. I loved it here, but it was all too much. I needed to get away, to a new place where I could breathe and build myself again without people hovering left right and centre.

I braced myself mentally for what my e-mail inbox might hold as I unlocked my phone. Boards were two weeks ago, and the pending results were the only things keeping me from dropping everything and ditching this place. I'd spent the last two days, ever since they were supposed to finish marking them, refreshing my phone over and over again, and even as I repeated the action again I didn't expect anything.

"Nothing yet?" Emma asked me as she entered the lounge, her own phone in her hand.

"No." That was all anybody got from me nowadays, but I was trying. Trying to smash the walls and get back to normality, to breathing, but glass isn't easy to smash when you don't have anything to smash it with.

"You wanna talk about it?" She asked, taking a seat on the bench beside me. I know she didn't expect a reply, because she asked this question every day on the odd chance that I did want to, but so far I hadn't been able to bring myself to it. If I talked about it, and not just to myself, then it made it real. Too real.

"It was a roadside bomb." I started talking to my own surprise. "Everyone else survived..." I trailed off, not daring to say anything more. There, I talked about it. I never admitted that he's gone out loud, but that couldn't be bad, can it? At least I acknowledged what happened. I then dropped my head back down and continued refreshing my phone again; concentrating so hard on the little percentage sign that showed me it was loading.

She seemed to take the hint and left without another word and as soon as she was gone my shoulders slumped. I was just tired of doing this every day.

I forced myself to half smile as I answered the incoming phone call from the number I identified as my parent's one. I put on a cheery tone as I answered all of their questions enthusiastically. Tim wasn't mentioned at all so I was going to assume that my father was sitting in the background while my mother jabbered on. My mother normally talked about him when it was just us. Never of his death, but of old memories. It helped.

"Have you heard anything back from the board?" She asked. I wasn't actually sure who was more nervous about it- me or her.

"Nothing yet. Others have started to get their e-mails so I keep refreshing my phone like crazy." I laughed. I'd informed my parents of my decision to move to Seattle, and while they were a little dubious about it, they actually took it better than I thought they would.

"You better call the second you find out." She said sternly, and I could tell that even though she used a joking tone that she was deadly serious.

"Yes, mom." I agreed, sighing in relief when my pager went off. I loved my parents, but there was only so long that I could keep this act up for.

"Dr Robbins, it was nice working with you."

Today was the day. The day I got a new start in Seattle. I aced my boards and the minute I'd heard that I'd made all of the phone calls necessary, letting the chief of surgery there that I would start as soon as I could. I was dying to get out of this place- hence, I was talking to the chief at this hospital, telling him that I would be gone within the week.

"I enjoyed working here, sir, and it's a great programme, it's just…" I struggled for a way to put it.

"You need a fresh start." He answered for me, nodding understandingly. He was taking this whole thing well, which I was glad for. The last thing I needed right now was for him to put up a fight.

"Thanks, sir." I said before leaving, heading to the resident's lounge to clear out my cubby. My parents had been surprised at how quickly I was doing all of this, but I pointed out that there was no reason for me to stay here any longer when I could be on my way.

"You promise you'll call us every day, right?" My mom had made me promise as we talked about it over dinner one night. Although I had my own apartment and I was more than capable of cooking myself, ever since Tim my mom had been having me over nearly every day. Not that I could blame her- she had already lost one of her kids, and she was spending as much time with me as possible before I moved across the country.

"I promise, mom."

Clearing out my cubby hardly took me any time at all, because I generally kept everything in a bag in there. All I had to do was bin my scrubs and hand in my lab coat before I signed off some paper work and was free to leave. It was ridiculous, the amount of paperwork you had to fill in when you quit working at a hospital. Forms to officially quit, letters of resignation, forms to accept Seattle Grace's offer… Every type of form you could think of and more.

"You're definitely sure about this?" Megan asked me as I finished emptying my cubby. Megan was the closest thing to a friend I had at the hospital, which was saying something, because I hadn't made a lot of friends here. Sure I had friends outside of the hospital that cared, but to most people I appeared as a cold bitch, not that I cared. However, Megan hadn't gotten the hint and had become a friend anyway. She was staying here to continue working in Neuro.

"I'm sure." I said with a note of defiance, making it clear for the thousandth time that this was what I was set on and there was no changing my mind, which nobody seemed to understand.

My apartment was all packed up- wat was mine, anyway. My roommate, Beth, was an intern here, and had tried to convince me to stay so that she didn't have to find another roommate. We weren't really close, but we lived well together because we kept away from each other. My car was currently filled with all of the things I was taking with me (yes, I was driving- there was no way in hell I was taking a plane), and I planned to leave tomorrow morning.

And I did. After a quick round of goodbyes with my parents, which consisted of a lot of tears from my mom, also from my best friend Kirsty, I was in my car ready for the two day car journey. I didn't plan to stop and stay anywhere, but I promised my parents that if I got too tired then I'd pull into a motel. I knew there'd be plenty of service stops, but apart from that it was a straight drive.

So with that, I started my car and drove away without looking back.

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Hello, people of earth! I hope you like this! I'm not too sure of the title, I was struggling for a name and it just came into my head… So, if you have any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them!