Being Arizona chapter ten
Minutes flew by. Hours flew by, and before I knew it, I'd been operating on Wallace for six hours. He'd gone into septic shock because his body wasn't strong enough to handle the surgery like I'd said in the first place. Over the last six hours in the OR he'd gone in and out of shock while I tried to find a way to prevent it from happening again, and failing every time.
This time, he'd gone into shock again, but his stats were lower than ever before and they weren't stabilising any time soon. I, along with all of the other doctors and scrub nurses in the OR tried desperately to bring him out of it. It was when he finally started to code that I started to panic. I tried to bring him back for over an hour, pushing so many rounds of epi that I lost count and shocking him many times, and I could tell that the others in the OR had given up a long time ago.
"Dr Robbins." Dr Percy said from beside me, trying to get me to stop compressions, which I had started taking over about ten minutes ago. My hands to shoulders were aching, my breath burned in my chest and throat but I refused to stop. This boy was supposed to be celebrating his eleventh birthday today, not lying in a morgue.
"No!" I refused, keeping the compressions going and tuning out anyone else who tried to talk to me.
"Dr Robbins, he's gone."
"No!" I repeated.
"Dr Robbins."
I looked up; noticing that everyone else had stopped working, and it was just me left working. They were all staring at me, a few of them giving each other 'what do we do?' glances, and that was when I realised they were right. He'd been coding for over an hour so far and there was no sign of him coming back, and I should've known that when I began this surgery in the first place. The only thing I was doing by keeping him alive was making him worse.
I felt my arms slowing, and eventually stopping. I sighed and hung my head resignedly and let my breath catch up to me, before looking up at the clock and calling time of death. I then walked out of the OR and went to find the chief and that asshole Jennings, who everyone hated but he was too powerful for anyone to actually say anything about it.
On the way to wherever they were, presumably in the surgical waiting room, I couldn't stop thinking about Bethany and Paul. Jennings had forbidden me to be the one to tell them the news, because if they asked me I would tell them the truth. I just killed their son. I am a liability. They should sue. And that would be bad for the hospital so I wasn't getting to speak to them, and apologise for killing their son.
"Dr Robbins, are you okay?" Alex Karev asked me as I did my last check on the peds ward before heading home to Callie. I had only seen her seven hours ago but I already missed her, and I couldn't wait to get home and just lie with her, and forget everything that had happened.
"I'm great." I replied, although I could tell by my tone that I wasn't convincing. However he seemed to get that I didn't want to talk and nodded before walking away.
Everyone thinks that surgeons are used to it. Losing patients every day must seem like a normal thing to us. That we automatically knew how to deal with it and moved on easily. But that wasn't true. As I said to, we move forward to the next kid because they needed us just as much as the ones before, but losses still hit us hard. And this was just an example. It left me feeling like I'd failed.
I walked slowly home, not caring that it was a freezing cold November night or that Callie was probably waiting for me. I let myself wallow in my thoughts and I found that it wasn't long before I reached home anyway. I took the keys from my bag and unlocked the door, and when I did I got the fright of my life.
"Surprise!" Everyone yelled simultaneously, and I looked up. Practically everyone I knew was there, each wearing a party had or holding plates of food.
I struggled with words for a few seconds, tears threatening to overwhelm me, and when they did I was sure I looked like an idiot. I tried to say something but all that came out was a few strangled syllables. My mind jumped to Timothy and all of the times he'd surprised me on my birthdays when we were kids, and then that reminded me of how much I missed him when he was gone, and now how much I missed him when I'd never see him again.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled barely distinguishably before running back out and hurrying all the way back down the stairs. I needed to go, I needed to go see Bethany and Paul and explain to them, despite the fact that I wasn't supposed to. I needed room from all of this to clear my head and miss my brother, and I couldn't do that when people were smiling and yelling and shoving food in my face.
After briefly talking to Callie and apologising for my behaviour, I walked quickly back to the hospital and changed back into my scrubs. I walked slowly towards the peds ward, building myself up for what I was about to do. I took a deep breath and stood outside the door for a moment. I could hear Jennings with his usual ass kissing and if it was annoying me then it was bound to be annoying them, so I decided that then was a good time to make myself noticeable and entered the room.
Bethany looked up from where she was folding up Wallace's blanket, her eyes full of tears and a look of heartbreak on her face. "Arizona." She sighed when she saw me, and I looked to Jennings who did not look at all pleased to see me.
"Dr Robbins, this is a very sensitive time..." He tried to tell me but the chief cut him off. I hadn't actually noticed Webber standing there until he spoke up.
"Let her be." He said simply, and I nodded my head in thanks to him.
"Excuse me?"
"I said, let her be." Webber repeated, firmly in a stern tone that made it clear that Jennings wasn't to argue back.
With a nod from Webber I proceeded into the room, not even sure what I was going to say, or if I was even going to say anything at all. I walked over to stand opposite Bethany.
"It just doesn't feel real." She barely whispered, and I could hear the pure heartbreak in her voice. Paul stood at the back, his grief apparently beyond words or tears. He just stood there, observing the situation quietly, although I'm not sure if he was actually taking any of it in. "I mean, it just doesn't feel real." She repeated, taking a look around the room which still contained many off Wallace's possessions, as if expecting him to show up in his scrubs ready for rounds at any moment.
I then had an idea. They never got to say goodbye to him. He was taken so quickly that they couldn't even say goodbye. So why not let them?
"Bethany, would you like to see him?" I asked, praying for my voice not to crack. I'm pretty sure there was some kind of rule that families of patients weren't allowed near the morgue, but right then I didn't care.
I saw Paul move from the corner of my eye and Bethany barely moved her head to nod yes, and I turned to the chief who just nodded. Apparently he was choosing to ignore the rule too.
The walk down to the morgue was painfully slow and quiet. I could hear every footstep we took echoing off the emptier than normal hallways. I would try to talk to them, to prepare them for what they were about to see, but nothing I could say or do could prepare for this. As I opened the door to the morgue, and lead them in, I was met with a sight that I'd seen too many times in my life.
It was silent for a few moments as they took in the sight of their dead son. I looked upon Wallace's body with a feeling of failure flooding through me. I was supposed to save this boy. He had been here for seven months, and as he'd pointed out that was longer than anyone on this floor. I had promised that I would celebrate his birthday with him, and now he was lying in a morgue. I had failed him.
Bethany held her hands out over Wallace's face, her tears threatening to spill. "Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away, good dreams, good dreams, here to…" And she couldn't make it any further before she broke down in tears, Paul wrapping a protective arm around her.
"Good dreams, good dreams here to stay." I continued for her. "Bad dreams bad dreams go away, good dreams, good dreams, here to stay. Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away, good dreams, good dreams, here to stay." I finished before looking up at them. "You have to say it three times"
"For it to work." Paul chimed in, looking deep in thought. "She is the reason," He said, turning to face Jennings and Webber. "That we will still be giving Seattle Grace Mercy West twenty five million dollars." He announced, surprising me. I hadn't even given the money a thought. "Not because of you or your ass kissing. Because of her." He finished, gesturing to me. Bethany let out a sob and nodded at me, and I was completely speechless. Their son had just died while I was operating and they still wanted to donate twenty five million dollars because of me?
And with that, Bethany completely broke down and Paul joined her, so I looked towards Webber and Jennings, indicating that we should leave to give them some time alone.
A few hours later I finally found myself sauntering back home, although as I thought of Callie and how I'd left her I walked quicker, eager to apologise and be in her arms again.
As I entered the apartment I immediately quietened down when the whole place was silent. All over the place were empty plates and cups, occasional bits of confetti and someone else's jacket was lying on the couch. They'd obviously gone ahead with the party.
That was when I noticed Callie, lying there asleep on the couch, a look of pure peacefulness on her face. She had obviously been waiting up for me to get back, and I felt guilty as it was nearly eleven. I also couldn't help but notice the extremely sexy lingerie that she wore, and I smiled to myself.
"Hmm?" She said as she began to wake and sighed as she saw me standing there. "I'm awake! I-I'm see? I'm totally awake!" She rambled as she sat up and lifted up a plate and a hat, jamming it on her head. "There's hat, and gifts, and donuts!" She exclaimed enthusiastically.
And as she was rambling away, that's when it hit me.
This woman, this crazy, strong, funny, caring, beautiful woman was the woman that I loved. I loved her.
"… and lingerie." She smiled seductively, gesturing down to what she was wearing. I laughed and raised my eyebrows as she tried to blow the noise maker to no avail, getting frustrated. I decided to end it.
"I love you." I said, what must have been suddenly for her. There, I said it. All she had to do now was follow the script.
"You do?" She said as she stopped what she was doing and her eyes widened, as if it was a complete shock to her.
"I do."
It was silent for a few seconds before finally, "I love you too."