Being Arizona chapter twelve
Hey guys! I loved writing this chapter. The shooting episodes are my favourite ones.
I also have a lockdown story. A few weeks ago the end of lunch bell rang really early and all the teachers told us to go straight to our next class, and to stay inside and no dare to go outside. When we got to our classes we weren't allowed to leave or go out into the corridors and we had to get escorted by staff to our next classes. They let us go eventually, but I still to this day have no idea what happened.
Anyway, not relevant. Enjoy!
This could not be happening. Not now. Not today. Not ever. I stared down at my pager in fear and annoyance and anger and confusion. Lockdown, apparently.
"Okay, it's no joke." I corrected my earlier statement that it was indeed a joke. I sighed, looked over at Callie briefly before putting on my head of department head and gathering everyone in. "We're sealing the floor. I don't know why and it doesn't matter why, but nobody goes in or out past the double doors. You go check on your own patients and then come back and check if there are any others in the que. We don't have a lot of hands on deck." I took a breath. That was the biggest issue here. "And people- do not alarm the maker of the tiny humans. They will eat you alive."
And with that I finished being all bossy and took a deep breath. I could do this. Even if Callie was ignoring me and all I wanted to do was kiss her all the time, I could do this.
"I really thought that was a joke." I sighed after every one had dispersed to go and do as they had been told. I didn't see how we would be able to keep it quiet from the parents for long, but I didn't want to tell them. They were already worried enough about their children needing surgery that they didn't need any more stress. Then again, neither did I or any of the rest of the staff, but we didn't have a choice because it was our job. I sighed and picked up the phone to see if I could figure out what was going on.
"Sick joke." Calliope muttered from where she was sulking on the opposite side of the nurse's station.
"Excuse me?" I said, although I heard exactly what she said. Was she not professional enough to be able to be stuck on the same floor as me? Was it that horrible?
"Uh, nothing."
"What, you can't be stuck on the same floor as me? That's a hardship for you?" I half snapped. If this was how she was going to act then it was just plain childish.
"Uh, yes, frankly, it is." She replied in the exact same tone before closing the chart and walking off. I scoffed in annoyance as I watched her go, wanting nothing more than to follow her. But I couldn't, this was a crisis here. A pretty bad one too, as I found out what was going on.
"This is Arizona Robbins, head of peds surgery, what's going on?" I asked the person at the other end of the line, who I believed to be the hospital's designated police officer. In the background I could hear sirens and yelling, and I can say safely that that did not ease my worrying.
"Is everyone safe up there?" He replied, avoiding my question.
"Well I don't know, because I have no idea what's going on. Can you help me out with that?" I snapped. Today was not a day that I was being polite. I had to run an entire department with limited staff and supplies and forty two kids who needed their help and Calliope had turned on me so I wasn't having the best day.
"There appears to be a shooter in the hospital, Dr Robbins." He replied in a flat tone, and I felt my heart sink. What would a shooter want with a hospital? Why was he here? Where was he? Did they know who he was? These were only some of the questions that I began to rattle off at him.
"Look, ma'am, we don't know much. After the initial report of a shooting we automatically instructed lockdown, and we've had two more reports. We don't know who or where the shooter is, we don't know what he wants, but we know that you have to stay in your department. Stay there, and don't move." And then the line cut off. Whether he'd hung up or the connection got lost I didn't know, but I could feel myself starting to panic.
"You cannot panic." I told myself firmly. "You will not panic." And with that I took a deep breath and began to attend to patients.
It was complete and utter chaos. There were hardly any doctors, hardly and nurses and tons of patients. We simply didn't have enough hands to care for them all and the parents were going mad. Apparently word had gotten out about the lockdown thing and I was being bombarded with questions.
"What's going on?"
"Why are we on lockdown?"
"What do we do?"
There was no way I was going to tell them about the shooter part. No way on hell. They were panicking at the lockdown so there was no way I was adding to that. Maybe they had a right to know, maybe they didn't. But I wasn't telling them.
"Yes, we're on lockdown. We don't know why, but we can't leave and nobody can come here. I'm asking you all to please remain calm until we have a reason to panic; we're doing as much as we can with what little we have. Thank you." Was pretty much what I told every group of parents who approached me. I guess I saw this coming since I was head of department.
I sighed as I ran about collecting supplies for 7 year old Jenna who needed her feeding tube changed. People were looking for charts, kids whose parents weren't here wanted their mommies, some of them in pain and most of them needed surgery.
"We have, what, 42 kids? 4 doctors, 9 nurses?" I thought out loud. "That's not enough." I stated the obvious as I continued to rush around collecting supplies.
"Okay, why don't you put all the kids in the playroom?" Callie suggested much to my surprise. My head snapped around to look at her. "I mean, we don't have enough staff for one floor, so at least they'll all be in one place, one big room, we can keep an eye on all of the kids at once."
Huh. That was actually a good idea. Go Callie. "You can't just put a bunch of sick kids in the playroom with their beds an everything-" That intern, or resident, I don't even know but he annoyed me started to say.
"Uh, shh!" I cut him off. "Sure we can! Stable ones can walk, and we have wheelchairs, so let's do it! Move." I instructed before turning to Calliope.
"Whatever." She muttered in the same childish attitude as before. I mean, I know we agreed to be friends whatever but she had a right not to talk to me, but thus? This was silly.
I sighed as I watched her go yet again, before shaking my head and going to retrieve wheelchairs. Parents obviously had a lot of questions and I answered them all, and most of the kids thought that it was some fun adventure. Thank God Calliope had that brilliant idea, or I don't even know what we would've done. It was hectic.
I made a mental note in my head to pull Callie aside and talk to her about this, because more than anything I wanted to know what was going on. However when I did finally talk to her she told me that she had tried being nice, and now she was 'going on the more traditional route' of completely hating my guts. Nice.
"Woah, woah!" I confronted her after I dropped another kid off in the playroom. I wasn't going to let her treat me like this. "I don't deserve this! I have treated you with nothing but respect and love-"
"See, you think you have but you haven't!" She cut me off. What was that supposed to mean?
"I'm sure it feels great to act like I'm the bad guy but that's the biggest load of you-know-what I've ever heard." I said plainly. I hadn't done anything wrong here! So I didn't want kids, how's that my fault? What was even so bad about that?
"I have spent the last month trying to convince myself that I don't need kids to be happy. Really trying. Giving lecture to myself, saying it out loud to you and to Mark and turning myself inside out to want what you want, and then I actually stopped for a second and thought, did you ever try?" Oh. That's what this was about. That I wasn't willing to change who I was and she was? Again, how was that my fault? What a bitch I was.
"To imagine what it would be like to change for me because I don't think you did! What you did, was you dismissed my ream. My dream, which says to me that you don't give a rat's ass if I'm happy. You know I never understood squad about you, and now I do I don't like it." She said before moving off. That hurt.
Did she not know about Emily? Who tried to bend who I was, who hurt me multiple times trying to force me to want kids? That's why she wasn't the one. Did she not know about the times where I'd had to use makeup to cover bruises left over after our fights? No, she didn't. But I wasn't going to tell her, because she wasn't Emily. She was kind and caring a loving and gentle, but not now.
"Oh really?" I raised my voice slightly, but not enough that it would draw attention. "Really? Really? I'm supposed to change for you? Why? Cause we're in love? Because you fall in love all the time, men, women-" Just as I was about to voice one of my biggest fears, we were interrupted by nurse Graciella, who was wheeling Ruby towards us. She looked like she was in a lot of pain.
"I don't feel good..." Ruby groaned, clutching her stomach tightly. Of course she didn't. Appendicitis was extremely [painful. I would know. I had my appendix removed when I was thirteen.
"Go get a portable ultrasound." I instructed Graciella, who nodded and ran off. I checked Ruby's vitals and they were plummeting, ad quickly. I quickly scoured my brain for ways to take the pain way with what little we had. At least if she wasn't in so much pain it would be better for her.
"I want my mommy…" She cried.
"I know, but have you ever played the game red light green light?" I asked her and she nodded. "Well, right now the light's at red. Once it's green again she'll come back up." She nodded.
I checked her blood pressure again and shook my head. This was not good. "Blood pressure's 190 over 60 and dropping- let's hang some more fluids."
"I have the portable ultrasound!" Graciella announced as she came running around the corner holding the ultrasound.
"Alright, check her appendix and I will be right back!" I said as I ran off, Callie on my heels.
"When are you gonna forgive me for not being a good enough lesbian for you?" She demanded as I began to rummage through the supplies. I sighed
"When you do something to convince me that you're falling in love with me and not with being in love. When you do something to convince me that I'm different that George O'Malley, Erica Hahn, Mark Sloan. Or the girl at the coffee cart!" Mark was the one who I worried about the most. They were best friends, and they had a hell of a history. "You have a big heart, and I love that about you, but I don't trust you. Why would I?"
She was silent. Apparently she had no reply for that one.
Graciella came running around the corner. "Doctor Robbins! Her appendix…" She mimed a bursting motion with her hands, mouthing the word 'pow, obviously not wanting to alarm Ruby. I ran past Callie and went straight to Ruby.
"We need to get her into a room, just not out into the hallway. People are gonna start wondering what's going on." I said, clicking the breaks off of the gurney and pushing the bed into the nearest room, hoping and praying that there was some form of pain relief there that I could give her. I felt a small wash of relief when I saw a needle kit, because that means I could inject some anaesthetic into her spin. It would hurt for her, and it wasn't the most ideal procedure for a child, but it was all we had.
"Okay, we're gonna inject the anaesthetic into her spine. It'll hurt her but we have no choice." I told Callie and Graciella, who both nodded. "Graciella, I need you to go and get me some cooling blankets, if they have any, because she'll get warm." Graciella nodded and took off while Callie and I got started. It didn't take us long to prep her, which we did in silence, and soon enough it was time to begin.
"Okay, Ruby, this is gonna hurt, but only for a little while, and no squirming." I warned her as calmly as I could while I pushed the needle down.
"It hurt!" She cried, squirming anyway as I tried as best as I could to keep my hand steady while she moved.
"Alright, squeeze my hand! Tight tight tight!" Callie exclaimed. "Wow, you're strong."
"Okay, got it." I sighed in relief; at least this part was over. I smiled at Callie. She really was amazing. However the smile was wiped straight off my face when her whole face went blank and she stared blankly over my shoulder. Although I had a funny feeling what, or who, she was staring at, I couldn't help but look around.
He was standing there- right outside the door. His face screwed up in a mixture of pain and frustration. Blood soaked through his big tan jacket and his grey shirt and it was clear he'd been shot. My eyes naturally dropped straight to his right hand and my heart sunk when I saw the dark metal gun resting in his palm, his finger barely hovering over the trigger.
"There are only children here." I said as calmly as I could, trying to keep my voice from shaking at all. I then turned around and shielded Ruby with my body. She was only a child; she was not going to get hurt. There were only children here. Only children. I repeated that to myself as I closed my eyes and prayed for him to leave, feeling the tears build up and spill over. Ruby seemed to have sensed the tense atmosphere build up immediately and had fallen as quiet as she could while in this much pain.
"They shot me." He gasped out, and I saw Callie stir out of the corner of my eye. I kept repeating the words 'there are only children here' in an almost silent plea. My heart nearly stopped when Callie stood up and walked over, but there was nothing I could do. If I did, he would shoot.
"Mr, um…?"
"Clark. Gary Clark."
I wanted to stop her as began to walk closer to him. I needed her to stay away, to stay alive, and not get shot. I loved her.
"Mr Clark. Uh, here are some… bandages…" Callie said from behind me. I hated that I couldn't see what was going on but I didn't' dare move. "Press them to the wound, it'll stop the bleeding." She said, her voice shaking slightly.
"I want my mommy…" Ruby repeated and I gripped her tighter.
"Okay? Just take them." She repeated, and out of the corner of my eye I could see her hand the bandages to him. I closed my eyes and kept pleading silently that he would leave. "Take them and go." This time, her voice was much steadier.
It was silent for a second, and relief flooded over me when he next spoke. "Thank you." He said shakily, and I heard his footsteps fading off before Callie slammed the door shut. I relaxed my hold on Ruby and let the tears fall, but didn't waste any time in getting back into action. I would have to sedate Ruby as she was in so much pain.
The rest was a blur. Callie told me she was phoning the police and I very nearly kissed her when she put her hand on my cheek. All I could think was about how much I loved her.
And then it clicked.
As I thought into the future, I saw Callie standing next to me in a white dress in front of all of our friends and family. Then, to my surprise, I saw us running around the backyard of a big house while a mini Calliope followed us around, and for the first time in my life, I smiled at the thought of it.
So we' have kids. I could do that. If it meant I could be with Callie, then I could do that. Only with Callie. I still didn't know what kind of a mother I would be, but now I was willing to try it. With Callie, I was willing to try it ten times over, because she was my future.
It was one of the biggest reliefs that I had ever experienced when uniform clad SWAT team members came barging into the room, ordering us to evacuate immediately. Callie and I secured Ruby into the gurney before pushing her out of the room and all the way outside, where her parents were by our side straight away thanking us for keeping her alive.
I smiled as we loaded Ruby into the ambulance, glad that she was finally going to Seattle Pres. to get the surgery she needed. Callie turned round to me and I was just about to say something when I realised that she probably didn't want to talk to me.
"I'm gonna go see if kids need help finding their parents." I told her. Everything must have been chaotic with people finding their family members, so I was bound to be able to help.
Just as I was turning away Callie stopped me by speaking. I my head snapped around and I stopped walking immediately.
"People died. People are dead. I don't wanna have kids if it means I can't be with you…" She trailed off.
I decided to say it. To jump of that hypothetical cliff or whatever. "No… No. We'll have kids. We'll have all kinds of kids… And I always thought I wasn't cut out to be a mom, but you? You'll me a great mom, and I can't live without you and our ten kids…"
And she kissed me. She ran forward, cupped my face and kissed me, and I kissed her back with everything I had. It wasn't until we needed air that we pulled back.
"And we have to get chickens too." I told her through my happy tears. The happiness that I felt right then was indescribable.
She smiled wide and laughed, wrapping her arms around me. "Of course we can get chickens."