Being Arizona chapter sixteen
My first week in Africa was a mixture of extremely good and heartbreakingly sad. On the one hand, I was treating patients and making them better, and everybody was so nice to me and within only a week I was pretty much one of them. On the other hand, however, I couldn't stop crying. No matter what I was doing, there was always one part of my mind that kept floating back to Seattle where Callie was, and I'd remember everything I'd lost, no, given up, and it just brought me to tears. And I missed Teddy. She was my best friend, and the only real friend I really had here in Seattle. I guess I had Alex, but he was my student and he wasn't exactly someone you spill your guts to.
The people at the clinic were so nice about it. I'd explained to them time and time again that it had nothing to do with being here, it just had to do with who I'd left behind. Some of them just ignored it because they didn't know what to say, and honestly that was better, because every time someone would ask me I would have to explain as briefly as possible without crying again, which after a while became one hell of a task. It was quite a surprise to me that not many of them actually knew why I was crying, but I realised that when they'd asked me I'd probably been too brief for them to figure it out.
But I still loved Africa. The diseases were horrible and the way they had to live was wrong, but nearly every night there was a sort of party in the nearest town which was about thirty minutes away from our village. There were choirs and soloists, some of them playing instruments I'd never seen before. Their dancers were brilliant, and the kids from the school would always be eager to share what they'd learned. They could sit and talk for hours about math or science. I'd only been here a week and I'd already learned so much about their culture.
I looked down at the phone in my shaking hand, flipping it over and over in my nervousness. I was just about to click on Callie's name when the door to the hut opened and Kunene walked in with a basket full of fruits she'd picked from the nearby trees. I'd gone with her the other day and it was a lot of fun.
"You're crying again." She said in her warm voice which always made me feel more comfortable.
"No, I'm not." I lied easily since I had my back turned to her, and quickly wiped away the few tears that had escaped my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I turned to her an gave her an only half convincing smile but quickly dropped it when she gave me that sceptical look she used on Syo when he tried to cover up for the neighbour's kid breaking her plant pot with a homemade soccer ball. It was very hard to lie when she gave you that look.
She walked over and embraced me in a warm hug. "It'll be better soon." She told me as if I was a small child and she was trying to get me to fall asleep.
The phrase 'It'll be better soon' was what kept me going for the next few weeks, but at the end of them I just kind of crumbled and couldn't take it anymore. The point where I realised this was when I didn't even make it completely out of an examination after giving a baby injections before I started crying again. I'd shared a phone call with Teddy the night before and she told me that she suspected Callie and Mark. I'd automatically changed the subject and she'd told me all about her recent, and rather huge, drama.
"Hey, Teddy." I sighed as I picked up the phone. I was just walking out of the clinic with Imamu when she'd called.
"I think Callie and Mark are sleeping together." She blurted instantly, making me stop dead in my tracks and completely freeze. "Oh my God I just blurted that out and I was gonna wait 'til you asked but…"
"What?!" I demanded in a fierce tone, already feeling my eyes burning from tears. I knew it. Callie and Mark. They were prefect for each other, like I said, because he didn't leave her at airports like the selfish bitch I was.
"Well I'm not completely sure, but I'm pretty sure, cause I just have a feeling..." She trailed off.
"You have a feeling." I repeated.
"Well yeah." She said.
"Let's just change the subject. I don't want to picture them together. How are things in Seattle?"
"I'm glad how asked."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Cause I kind of maybe sort of might have married a patient." She spilled nervously.
"What?!" I found myself demanding yet again, hardly able to believe this. When I'd left she was still sorting out her issues with getting over Owen, and now she was married?"
"Not like, love married. Just legally. He didn't have insurance." She revealed.
"You married a patient for his insurance?"
"You kissed a girl in a dirty bar bathroom. We all have ways." She argued back, which made me smile slightly. To each her own, I guess.
"Okay, okay." I said defensively, just as Imamu came back out of the clinic holding up a chart, signalling that we had another patient. "I have to go, tiny humans and all, but keep an eye on Callie for me?"
"I will." Was the last thing she said before hanging up.
After that phone call I'd barely managed to hold it together long enough to consult on an 11 year old named Nya who had was showing symptoms of Malaria. Back home, if someone contracted Malaria, it obviously wouldn't be good, but it would be treatable. But here, with limited medical supplies and the severity of the cases, a lot of the poor people didn't have the chance they would in America. So I really hoped she didn't have Malaria, because she was only eleven years old. It wasn't fair. None of the cases I ever dealt with were fair.
"Why are you so upset all the time?" Imamu's daughter Zuri asked me one day at the clinic, about a week after the phone call wit Teddy. Zuri was such a sweet little girl, but she definitely asked a lot of questions, ones that I didn't always know how to answer.
"That's Dr Robbins' personal information, Zuri. Why don't you go and visit Sefu?" Imamu said from across the room, and Zuri seemed to completely forget about the question she asked me, a bright smile filling her face as she skipped off to visit the boy who was in a bed down the hall. "You never did tell us." He said once she was gone, walking over and setting all of his paperwork down.
I hesitated for a moment. "I just… I miss my girlfriend."
"Ah, I see. She must've been very great to cause you this much heartbreak." He said sympathetically, patting my shoulder gently.
"Yeah, she was great. An amazing orthopaedic surgeon. She was kind, and selfless, and brave, a little bit crazy, mind you, but miraculous. Breathtakingly stunning." I repeated the same thing I once told Lexie Grey while watching Callie lie in a hospital bed covered in chicken pox, and even then she had been just a beautiful to me.
"You love her." He said. Imamu was good at saying the things that were on your mind without you having to even say them. He knew what to say when and sometimes nothing needed to be said at all.
"I do, I really do. But I really screwed up. I just left her…" I trailed off. This was the first time I'd told anyone in detail what had happened and who I'd left behind. They all just assumed.
He was silent for a full minute before he spoke, a look of deep consideration and seriousness on his face. "Do you want to go back? There are people here, who can take over."
What? I couldn't just leave. I made a promise. A promise to all of these sick kids that I was supposed to operate on and their parents, their families, and Teddy who was rooting for me, and my parents who were so proud of me and Tim who was always proud of me in the first place, and myself. My career. But as quickly as all of these thoughts went through my head, new ones came in. Callie. I could see her again even if she didn't speak to me for the rest of my life. I could apologise even if she wouldn't listen. I would have a chance to explain myself and maybe, just maybe, have a chance of getting us back.
I shook my head. I opened my mouth to say no.
"Yes."
So apparently crying on a plane was a new thing for me, because now whenever I was on a plane I ended up having deep meaning of life conversations with residents or crying my eyes out over all of the promises I'd failed to keep. Imamu, Pamela Sturgeon from the foundation and everybody told me they understood, but as I left all I could think about was all of the sick kids I was leaving behind.
But I had to think of Calliope. Of me. Of us. As sad as I was about giving this up, I would be damned if I was just going to leave Callie for three years in hope that she might not move on, because if I truly did believe that then I would just be kidding myself. I'd only been gone for a month and she was sleeping with Mark, so I didn't want to imagine what it would be like after three years, even if I could face going back.
I took deep breaths to calm myself as the plane came in for the final landing, for the first time in m life not concentrating on how high up we were in a piece of metal with wings. No, this time I was thinking about what was on the ground- who was on the ground. I'd exchanged a quick phone call with Teddy just before I'd left, and even though she'd been shocked she'd agreed to pick me up at the airport. I didn't know where I was going to live if Callie didn't forgive me, but that wasn't the first thing on my mind.
I could barely keep myself from running off the plane when it stopped moving, whether out of fear or excitement I wasn't sure. Every medium loud noise made me jump and was more than impatient as I waited for my luggage to appear on the carousel.
"Well you got one hell of a tan!" A familiar voice called from behind me and I swivelled round to see Teddy walked towards me, all bright smiles and hugs.
"Well hello, Mrs Burton." I joked easily, more than glad to be seeing my best friend again. She was the only one in the world who I could think of who probably wasn't judging me right now, and it felt good to just be able to talk to tease her.
"Oh, hush." She laughed, releasing me from the tight hug we'd been sharing.
"Callie doesn't know I'm coming?" I checked. I'd told her not to breathe a word to anybody, because if Callie found out then she might run before I had a chance to chase her.
"She has no idea."
Most of the car ride to Callie's apartment building was filled with talk about either Africa or Henry. We both carefully avoided the subject of anything that had happened at the airport and instead talked about good things, like about how hot Henry was. I mean, I didn't swing that way, but I could appreciate a good looking human being, and he certainly was one, judging by the pictures.
"I'll wait here, just in case." Teddy told me as I stepped out of the car, taking a deep breath to prepare myself for what I was about to do. I'd already formed a plan in my head about what I was going to do and what I was going to say to her.
I took my time, taking the stairs as I climbed the floors to the fourth floor, going over and over in my head every possible outcome. My hands were shaking and my throat went completely dry as I approached the familiar blue door of apartment 502. I brushed non-existent dust off of my clothes and ran my fingers through my hair in a hopeless attempt to tame the mess that had formed on the plane.
I took a deep breath. Raised a shaking hand to the door. Almost chickened out and ran, but forced myself to do it. I knocked the door slowly three times, and waited with bated breath for Calliope to answer.