Being Arizona chapter seventeen
Hey guys, I had a really hard time writing this chapter. I wanted to include the shooting and everything but I wanted to get to the elevator scene at the end, and get it uploaded soon, so I'm sorry if it's all a bit messy!
Anyway, I had a really good week this week, and I hope you are too! If not, I hope it improves!
AZsgirl- I totally agree!
.3- But… Did you never watch Grey's?
I stared once again at the blue door of apartment 502, the golden numbers nailed to the door going blurry from the tears that filled my eyes and made my vision swim in front of me. Only seconds ago had the love of my life been standing there looking as stunning as ever, listening carefully to what I was saying. Then she had given me one look over and slammed it shut in my face. I had watched close and there was nothing I could do about it but stare wordlessly at the door, as though I was waiting for her to reopen it and automatically forgive me for all I had done.
Even I knew it was a long shot.
I sighed and looked around the cold and empty hallway, setting my bag on the floor and sitting myself down beside it. I know that I probably looked drunk, or high, or just crazy, but if waiting for Callie and giving her time was what I needed to do, then I would sit out here every night, freezing my but off until she came around.
"You're back." Meredith Grey stated as I walked towards the chief's office, ready to beg and grovel and get down on my knees to get my job back if that's what it came to. So far I'd not had the warmest of welcomes by the hospital staff, but I couldn't really say that I expected anything but a cold shoulder.
"And you're judging me." I said in the exact same tone as she had as we rounded a corner and the catwalk came in to view. I'd become well aware of the fact that everyone who I'd looked at or talked to today was judging me, but there wasn't much I could do about it except suffer in silence, because it was completely my own fault after all.
"Not judging you." She smiled slightly and I stopped in my tracks. "You don't owe me an explanation. You did a bad thing, and I'm not going to be as stupid as to presume that you did it for no good reason. I'm just glad you're back so Alex can stop throwing a fit over this new guy Stark." She said before walking away leaving me speechless. Well okay.
The rest went downhill.
"I know I'm a bitch. A presumptuous, selfish, asshole!" I fumed as I sat with Teddy in her office, just having been told that I couldn't get my job back and Callie wasn't talking to me. "But can't they at least give me a chance?"
"Just give them a chance to give you a chance." Teddy told me as her pager went off. I sighed as I watched her leave, trying to think of a new plan of action. So the chief wouldn't give me my job back and everybody hated me. What could I do about that?
Teddy had been gone for all of two seconds when she came running back in, and my heart sunk as I heard her shout something about a school shooting. I had to take a deep breath to calm myself, the pain of the fresh trauma gnawing at my insides. True, the day had ended with Callie and I together, but I would never forget that moment when I thought that I'd lose her.
It didn't take long for us to get to the ER, which was absolutely flooded. The worst thing about it was that they were all young, and there were many children.
There wasn't much I could do, since I technically wasn't a doctor here. I gave advice to Karev on what to do while he came to me with many complaints about that asshole of a guy Stark, who genuinely thought that was God's freaking gift to medicine when really everybody hated him. I had to bite my tongue many times, reminding myself that when I got my job back he'd be my boss and could easily make my life a living hell.
"Are you joking me? He wants to amputate?" I exclaimed exasperatedly at Karev, who had just informed me that Stark now wanted to unnecessarily amputate a fifteen year old girl's leg. Maybe if she had been older he could take it into consideration, but this girl was 15 years old, and there was no way I'd let him do this.
Callie could save the leg- I knew she could. She was an outstanding orthopaedic surgeon and this would be an easy fix for her. I know she owed me nothing, but this wasn't about me. This was about Kelly and her leg and trying to give her as good a life as possible. It didn't take much persuading for the chief to give me privileges and once I did I ran to get scrubs, all whilst Karev was physically blocking Stark from amputating.
When I was scrubbing in I was joined by Callie who didn't say a word to me. I wanted to say something but I figured now was not the time. We successfully manage to save Kelly's leg an she would make a full recovery, and I spent the rest of the day checking over patients and pretty much begging Callie to give me a second chance.
But, as she'd pointed out, there were two of us the relationship. I'd left her, she hadn't left me, and even though I came back I still went in the first place. It wasn't just how I saw it- and I could understand.
I had made a rash decision to buy out the sub letters for Callie and I's old apartment, because although Teddy had made it clear that I always had a place on her couch, and there were plenty of on-call rooms in the hospital, I had nowhere to live and this apartment was home. I kind of knew that Callie would be pissed, because I'd be moving back in when she didn't want anything to do with me. But it wasn't as if I was forcing her to forgive me or to even talk to me. I just needed a place to live. And plus, if she as angry, then it meant that she cared, right?
The next day was far more peaceful, the whole hospital recovering, once again, from a shooting. Victims of the incident were pretty shook up but I could easily sympathise with them, and from my own experience I'd learned that it was better just to talk about something else. Experiences in which you had almost died at the hands of someone with a gun in their hand didn't exactly make for small talk.
"Henry's going into surgery." Teddy revealed as we stood by the coffee cart that morning. I had just finished telling her the story of my confrontation with Callie this morning in the hallway and had begged her to change the subject.
"Really? Why?" I asked.
"Massive tumour." She replied grimly, smiling at the worker at the cart and taking her coffee.
"Oh. Not good."
"Not good at all. Webber's so pissed at me for marrying him, but what was I supposed to do? If they'd just given them those alpha blockers and sent him on his way and he would have died." She rambled and I smiled.
"Aw, you care about him."
"Just as a patient!" She said way to quickly before walking off quickly and briskly, leaving me with a smirk on my face.
I spent the rest of the day working on a case with Mark, which was a mixture of awkward, uncomfortable and slightly helpful. When he wasn't being a complete asshole and thinking with his penis, he was actually an okay person. Well he definitely helped me get to the root of my problems, and when he did it was like a revelation. I'd spent the whole day admitting to all my flaws, thinking each of them over and trying to make myself a better person, so that Callie would take me back, but to no avail. It only made me hate myself for what I'd done more.
But, after a long, stressful ay of trying to improve a young girl's life and succeeding, he'd told me. And when he had it'd been like a revelation:
I bail. When things get hard, I bail. When things got tough at the airport I bailed. When Tim died and I couldn't deal with it I bailed. I had just ran away from everyone and everything in order to get a clean start- only except moving to Seattle had been a good call, but Africa hadn't been, and now I was paying the price. I may never get Callie back but I was going to fight like hell.
As I was heading towards the elevator, ready to go home and probably drink wine to help clear my head from the incessant buzzing, I saw the back of Callie's beautiful, dark haired head entering the elevator, and I found myself running to catch up with her. I took a deep breath as I stuck my arm between the doors to stop them, knowing that this was my last chance.
"I bail." I blurted out as soon as I got in, and I watched her roll her eyes, ready to disregard me, but I had a whole speech lined up and I wasn't giving in. "Okay? When things get hard, I walk away, and maybe it's because I grew up an army brat, we moved every eighteen months, maybe I never learned to commit,-" I took a deep breath, looking for any signs of emotion on her face but being left with nothing, so I persisted. "But I'm here now, and I'm staying. And I'm gonna fight to make sure you know that I'm committed to this thing.
"And I'm not perfect, but neither are you. And you wanna talk about faults? How about not being able to forgive?" I said as she started to turn around to face me. I locked my eyes on her to make it perfectly clear that not one thing I was saying here was dishonest, or rushed, or a lie. I was committed, I wasn't leaving. "At some point you're going to have to forgive me, and it might as well be now, because I am in love with you Calliope, and you are in love with me, and all I'm asking for is one more chance." I begged, having to push the words out because my throat had one tight.
I watched her facial expressions, but there weren't many of them. I could nearly see the cogs turning in that beautiful head of hers as I waited patiently.
"You want another chance?" She said quietly, turning fully around to face me and giving me an expectant look.
I smiled and breathed. "Yes- more than anything, I want another chance."
She looked at me for a second, casting a nervous glance at the wall and swallowing. I felt the smile dim from my face as I thought that I wasn't getting that second chance.
"Today that I found out that I'm pregnant." She said simply. I felt my heart sink then begin to beat unnaturally fast, because I knew what was coming next. "With Mark's baby. How about now?"
I dropped my head in deep contemplation, trying to get everything to stop spinning as I took in this news. I eyed the elevator door carefully as it opened, more than well aware that I could run. Just run and never come back. I glanced at Calliope, and as I looked into her eyes I realised that that wasn't an option.
I'd promised her that I was here to stay. That I was committed and that I wasn't going to bail when things got hard any more. I loved her more than anything and I promised her that I wasn't leaving.
So leaving wasn't an option.