Chapter 9

Hetty slammed the phone and the agents' heads all snapped up to attention, "Damn, damn, damn!"

Deeks rose from the chair near the computer screen and approached Hetty, "What happened?"

A frustrated and annoyed Hetty looked at Deeks and saw a Kensi's worried face behind him. She couldn't hide behind lies, "I can't contact my source."

Kensi's face hardened as the possible consequence of never seeing Callen again slowly started to become reality. She knew the dangers of hoping. She knew how devastating the fallout would be. She looked at Deeks, who just shook his head, "Well what can we do now?"

The room became silent. "We are going to keep on searching for Kadar and see if we can find his whereabouts. Things aren't as dark as they seem guys," said Eric trying in vain to offer some hope.

"And in the meantime?" asked Kensi, who never wore sadness and helplessness well.

"We welcome Mr. Hanna home," said Hetty smiling, trying so hard to ignore the mixed feelings the team had towards Sam.

"He's here?" asked Kensi, trying to steady her breath. She didn't know what to feel. She was a strong woman, always in charge of her feelings but somehow seeing Sam forced her to confront a man she loved and admired, with feelings of disappointment and anger.

"He will be in oh…5 mins. He'll be so happy to see you all again and I am certain you will all greet him with the love and respect you have always had for Sam," finished Hetty, eyeing each agent, like a mother superior.

Deeks stood straight masking his anger, "Do we get to ask the question? Do we get to ask why he left Callen behind?"

"Do what you feel necessary Mr. Deeks. Just remember the whole ordeal was very traumatic for Mr. Hanna as well. He did what he had to. So is blame what he really needs to hear?" said Hetty as she stood up and exited the OPS room.

Kensi looked around at Deeks, Eric and Nell, "Guys…she's right. Sam needs us and we need to be there for him. He wouldn't have left Callen behind out of choice. It's war, nothing is fair in war."

"But he did leave Callen behind when he rejoined the SEALS," added a quiet Nell shrugging her shoulders.

Kensi gave her a look of apprehension. "Nell now you're not being fair…let's just give him the benefit of the doubt…that's all I'm saying."

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Mustafa sat by Callen as he fought for his life. Every time his heart thumped, Mustafa breathed a sigh of relief. Yusef didn't reassure Mustafa, he didn't think Callen would survive, but Mustafa knew how tenacious Callen was and sat with him. Hours had passed and fatigue had overwhelmed Mustafa. His own breathing lulled him to sleep. Meanwhile Callen opened his eyes and saw his friend and tried to smile, but his pain was excruciating. He hurt everywhere. He hissed loudly and the unexpected sound startled Mustafa from his slumber, "Callen?"

Callen's eyebrows drew together in confusion but he didn't have the strength to reply. His eyes closed again. Mustafa wrung the towel and wiped the sheen forming on Callen's brow. The fever had set in and Mustafa knew that unless Callen got help, his friend would die. He stared at his friend in absolute terror trying hard to think of any way he could get Callen help. Then it came to him. He had to find Callen's satellite-phone. He had seen Callen use it. All he had to do was ring the last number dialed, and hopefully help would come. Mustafa couldn't leave Callen's beside, not until he knew Callen wouldn't leave him first.

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Sam stood tall outside the doors he had never hesitated to walk through, but this time was different. He had been home and spent time with Raina, William and Latisha. It was good to be home. He was grateful that he was able to wrap his arms around his kids…this time there would be no going back. He was home to stay. Callen had shown him the true meaning of brotherhood. Callen…He was back at NCIS without Callen. Thinking about his partner caused his shoulders to slump. If he felt the weight of his guilt and his loss, what would his old team be thinking? There would be questions to answer and their anger to bear. Was he ready? He really didn't care. He just wanted to be part of the team again. He needed to start making amends. He needed it. It was the only way he could feel close to Callen and maybe embark on some sort of forgiveness and redemption.

Sam opened the door and walked into a bustling NCIS. A few operatives walked past him and flashed a smile, some patted his back welcoming him home, but they weren't the ones that mattered to Sam. He emerged from the hallway and saw the bullpen to his left; his old desk and Callen's desk…neat and barren as always. Then a smile sprang to his face when he noticed Deeks and Kensi's desks…messy and untidy. He was happy things hadn't changed that much. Then he looked towards Hetty. She was there jotting away when she felt familiar eyes upon her. She looked up and saw Sam. Relief and happiness was what she felt. Sam stood in front of her alive and well, a little underfed battered and bruised, but he was home. She stood as Sam approached her desk, "Oh Mr. Hanna good to have you home, safe and sound." He enveloped her in his arms.

"Good to be back…I think," added Sam abashed and looking away. Hetty maneuvered her head so her eyes were able to catch Sam's. He shrugged his shoulders. "I suppose I need to…um… Hetty I am so sorry. He shouldn't have come. His life was worth more than what he sacrificed it for. I left G and he found me and saved me…and I left him behind. Aren't you going to ask me how I could my partner behind?"

Hetty's eyes were pooling with tears. She looked at the colossus that was Sam. He was so imposing and so intimidating, that occasionally she forgot how sensitive and how spiritual he was. She took him by the hands and led him over to the two facing chairs in front of her desk, she motioned for him to sit and he dutifully complied. Hetty sat her small and delicate frame in the chair. She sat erect and placed her folded hands between her legs. Her eyes looked upwards trying so hard to find the right words that would appease Sam.

As if by divine intervention, she spoke quietly, "Mr. Hanna, no one has ever been able to convince Mr. Callen to act contrary to his mindset. He has found it hard living with your absence, that is true and he has been stubborn about admitting that fact. He has also made you and others believe that he ceased caring. But that was not true…once in his heart you are there to stay. Mr. Callen decided to rescue you because he cares about you and your family, and because he knew he'd be successful. It is not your fault. He orchestrated the plan. It was a one man operation. You followed the procedure as a team leader. You and Mr. Callen brought them back to their families to fight another day and to protect our country. The fact that things didn't go as planned is what our business is all about…the roll of the dice. Mr. Callen knew there was a substantial risk involved. Mr. Hanna please, I will accept and validate your feelings of grief, hurt and loss but I will not tolerate any guilt or regret on your part…I will not!"

Sam looked at Hetty sheepishly, then rubbed his eyes extinguishing any threat of tears, "I'll try…he was like a brother to me Hetty."

"And like a son to me."

Sam nodded and Hetty patted his knees in sympathy, "We'll try together."

Then he looked up at the OPS room. "Have you told them?"

"You underestimate your colleagues, Mr. Hanna. They are most excited to see you," Hetty contorted the truth quite successfully.

"Yeah?" he looked at her skeptically.

Hetty nodded, "Yes." She saw his pain and his guilt. There were no recriminations on her part but she really couldn't speak for the others. She had seen worse…and had done worse.

Sam nodded. He didn't believe a word she had said and it hurt Sam. It hurt him alot. He had let Hetty down. He had let his team down. How could he ever hope to earn their trust again? Hetty noticed Sam struggling with his conflicting emotions. He needed his team. She patted him on his arm, "Come…let's go." They climbed the stairs and stood at the threshold of the room. Hetty entered drawing everyone's attention, then Sam entered.

"Sam!" yelled Nell as she went in for a bear hug, "Welcome back!" As she let go, she turned uncomfortably eyeing Kensi to follow suit. Kensi got the message loud and clear.

Kensi walked over to Sam, avoiding eye contact, "Welcome home Sam. Good to have you back safe and sound." She hugged him as well but Sam could feel a certain reluctance from the junior agent.

He returned her hug more warmly and more heartfelt. It made Kensi feel awkward…and contrite, "Thanks Kensi." She still avoided his gaze.

Eric watched the interaction uncomfortably. He felt sad…simply sad. He looked at the gargantuan agent and went over before his interaction with Kensi was over, "Hey big fella. Good to have you back!" He gave Sam a handshake and a large pat on the back.

Sam smiled. Eric had a knack of doing that. Looking at his Santa-on-skis Hawaiian shirt, "Good to see nothing changes." They both shared a smile and it felt good. It felt like old times. Then he glanced over to Deeks. The look was not kind and it was not friendly. He didn't bother getting off the chair.

"Hey Sam…good to see ya man," said a despondent Deeks.

Sam was expecting it. Deeks and he had a strained relationship at the best of times, and now…after what had happened, he expected no less. Callen and Deeks had become tight after he had left, based on a certain camaraderie of broken childhoods, so Eric had told him. Sam could understand Deeks' fierce loyalty towards Callen. Callen had that effect on people…including himself and that's why this whole mess was so difficult. Seconds passed and Hetty felt the atmosphere become uncomfortable.

"So Mr. Hanna what are your plans now?" asked Hetty, hoping he would return to his team.

Sam stood awkwardly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "I know I have to clear it with Director Vance, but I'd like to resume my position here," he said looking around for acceptance. They all smiled, but he could see the hurt on their faces and he knew they weren't sincere. "But I'd understand if…well…after what's happened you guys don't want me back," Sam said hoping the gang to negate his statement. He looked around for support. It wasn't there except for Hetty.

Hetty stepped up to Sam and grabbed his hand, "Mr. Hanna, you are an integral part of this family. We have missed you a great deal. Your departure was hard on us all and in light of the current situation…"

Suddenly Deeks blurted out, "Why are we letting the elephant in the room run rampant? No pussy footing around anymore and I think Sam would appreciate honesty. Am I right Sam?"

Sam looked around almost frightened of the whole situation, frightened that he might not be welcome, but he nodded in agreement, "The truth is what helps us heal."

Deeks stood from his chair, "So let's start healing. Sam we are angry…angry that you left Callen behind while you and your team got out safely. He risked his life for you, so you could come back to your family and friends AND YOU LEFT HIM BEHIND!" Deeks' face had gone red and his eyes glistened as the words just fell out on his mouth, regardless of the repercussions. Suddenly he felt Kensi's hand on his arm. Her touch drew him back to reality. He shuddered with the realization.

Sam stood dumbfounded. Then he angrily pulled himself away from Hetty and found himself face to face with Deeks, who didn't recoil and didn't flinch. "What? You wanna go there? Truth too much for you?" asked Deeks not backing down.

Sam wanted to vent his anger against Deeks. His eyes were blazing with an incredible furor. But the blue eyes he was staring into reminded him of Callen's blue orbs, and then he understood why everything was so wrong. He stepped back and took in a deep breath. The others looked over at Sam, mouths gaping.

He found a stool and sat down. His hands instinctively went to his head and he rubbed it several times before starting. The truth. It meant making himself vulnerable in front of his team. Putting all pride aside Sam started talking, "I was finding it difficult keeping the team's morale up. They were losing faith and hope. It was hard and I needed a miracle…ya know. We were outside one day for out daily walk and I look around, and there he was. I didn't recognize him at first. His disguise was one of the best to date. Then he turned his head and looked at me and then smirked…you know that smirk he does when he's up to no good. I couldn't believe that G would come. Suddenly our prayers had been answered. Then that was it…his plan was smooth, timed to perfection. Man, he was so good he had them all fooled.

G blew our passage out. We got out into the Humvee and waited. But he wasn't there…I begged the guys to wait and he still didn't come. The terrorists had figured out what had happened and were starting to come after us. I had no choice. I had to get them out and I knew G had a plan B…he always has a plan B. So we left and that's when one of the guys called out…G was standing at the edge of the compound…just standing. I yelled and screamed for them to go back and then I saw him go down. They wouldn't go back as we got further and further away...until I couldn't see him anymore. Then the patriots roared past and the place went up in flames. I don't know what happened to G. I wake up and I look in the mirror and the first thing that goes through my mind is G's silhouette standing in the shadows of the explosions and the gunfire. I get it that y'all angry with me and how I handled the whole thing, but I did my best. I did my best and I'm sorry."

Sam covered his face with his hands and the team could hear the silent sobbing of the giant man. He was right! They knew it but it didn't quell the anger which was now directed at the right target…the terrorists not Sam.

Kensi went over and held the man compassionately. All would be right…in time.

Suddenly the screen lights up with a familiar tone… "Incoming call…it's, it's Callen's phone."

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