Being Arizona chapter 20
Hello people of the internet! So, before you read this, or after, or whenever you please, I would highly recommend checking out the fanfiction Heart Rhythms by amcfan000. What? No, I didn't cry… What're you talking about? Oh wait, you're not talking. Um…. Just go check it out?
The first thing that my brain processed when the darkness lifted was the eerie silence that fell upon the scene. I could smell smoke, blood, and dirt. I could feel my lungs begging for air as I released my face from the airbag, preparing myself to take in the scene that surrounded me.
There was glass everywhere. Along the seats, in my hair, on the floor- everywhere. I felt like time slowed down and everything was in slow motion as I looked up to see a pair of feet sticking through the windshield. I felt my heart sink into my stomach and my head start to spin as I realised that they weren't just any feet.
They were Callie's.
I could feel the panic build up in me as I pulled the seatbelt off of myself. I ran around the side of the car to see the scene better and very nearly passed out when I saw Callie sprawled across the bonnet of the car, eyes staring straight ahead as her body shook with haemorrhages. There was blood all over her and my mind zoomed at a million miles per hour as I thought of the thousands of possible things that could be happening to her and our baby right now.
I heard myself start to scream for help. The man from the truck who had hit us had no idea what he was doing so I whipped out my phone and dialled 911 with shaky fingers.
"This is 911, what's your emergency?"
"I need an ambulance. There's been a car crash. My girlfriend… She went through the windshield, she's 23 weeks pregnant. Please!"
"Okay, ma'am, we'll send someone out. Where are you?"
"I don't know! We were on our way to Ramsay's bed and breakfast. We're about ten minutes left from the turnoff at the South 27."
"An ambulance is already on its way. Please remain calm. Do you need me to stay on the phone with you until it arrives?"
"No, no… I'm fine." I told her before I hung up, turning my attention back to the scene behind me. I walked over and gently placed my hand on Callie's. "You can't die okay? I-I love you! Y-ou cant. W-we're gonna have a b-baby and I can't d-do it without you!"
It took roughly ten minutes for the ambulance to reach us. Immediately people started assessing her injuries and began to move her off of the car. One of them took me aside and started asking me questions.
"I'm a doctor… A surgeon… This shouldn't have happened." I mumbled, feeling myself sway as a blanket was wrapped around me. I watched over the paramedic's shoulder as they began loading Callie into the ambulance.
"We're going to take very good care of your friend, miss, if you'll just-"
"Girlfriend. She's my girlfriend. That's my baby. I asked her to marry me and the truck came out of nowhere." I snapped at him and he simply just lead me into the ambulance.
It was pure chaos. I took notes of every single thing they said, my heart sinking and sinking further as each vital was announced. All I could focus on was Callie, lying there looking so broken and vulnerable. I gently took her hand and squeezed it in mine, the only thing I could do to assure her that I was by her side no matter what.
"What the hell happened?" I looked up to see the panicked face of Mark looming over me, watching them rush Callie towards the trauma rooms.
"It came out of nowhere! I- I asked her to marry me and the truck came out of nowhere." I stuttered, staring blankly to where the gurney carrying Callie had just disappeared. I followed Mark as he ran back into the hospital. "Will they let us in?" I asked weakly, wanting nothing more to just be able to be with her.
"Yes." Mark said with a hint of defiance in his tone. As we ran behind the group of people pushing Callie's gurney I could just hear Owen assuring Callie that everything was going to be okay.
"Get those IVs on!"
"Make sure the lines are packing."
"Compressed skull fracture with a probably bleed!" I heard Derek diagnose from the other side of the trauma room that we had just entered and I felt the tears continue to flow down my face.
"I'll call CT to get ready for her!"
"Checking reflexes!"
"No obvious spinal deformities."
"Hang to bags of 0-neg!" I heard Bailey shout but Mark interfered.
"Uh, she's A positive." He declared.
"Yeah, she's A positive." I agreed, recalling the time when Callie and I had donated blood for the blood bank during a massive trauma.
"Scratch that, type specific A positive!"
During all of this, all of the chaos, I was carefully watching Lucy's actions. I watched her work quickly but carefully but I had yet to see her find a heartbeat. I needed there to be a heartbeat.
"Is there a foetal heartbeat?" I asked only to have my words drowned by the other voices in the room.
"No breath sounds on the right set up a test tube!"
"I'm on it!"
I sighed, taking a step forward. "Lucy, is there a foetal heartbeat?"
"Lucy!" I heard Mark shout before the chief came over to us and moved us out of the way.
"I want an answer!" I exclaimed in protest as he begun to push us against the wall.
"Against the wall and silent. You hear me?" He said in a voice that vaguely reminded me of my authority issues, so I fell silent, knowing that it would be too easy for him to kick us out considering we weren't even supposed to be in here in the first place.
"Upper left quadrant clear!"
"I need those trays to pump her chest!"
"I need a 36 French tube."
"Keep the warm fluids up so she doesn't get hypothermic."
"There's blood in the right upper quadrant!"
"Uh, rapid infuser!" I heard Bailey shout before I saw her leave the room to go and get it. I watched in horror as all of my friends, who suddenly in this moment felt like family to me, tried their very best to save the love of my life's life.
"Call upstairs and tell them to prep an OR, and where's that blood?" I heard the chief command.
I watched closely as I saw Callie stretch out a severely shaking hand towards Bailey who had just returned with a rapid infuser as they began to insert a chest tube. I felt some comfort at the fact that Bailey grabbed her hand and held it tightly, although I did wish it could be me.
"This monitor's not picking up."
"Derek, please." Mark quietly begged Derek. I saw that Derek had heard his words as he turned to Lucy.
"How are we doing with that foetal heartbeat, Lucy?" I heard him ask.
"Her systolic's down to fifty!"
"If I'm gonna find a heartbeat I need everyone to shut up for a second!" Lucy exclaimed and I waited with bated breath to hear the longed for sound of a heartbeat. The whole room fell silent, besides the beeping of the monitor, as we all waited.
Then, a brilliant sound filled the room. The quick, train-like sound of the sweet heartbeat that I was privileged to hear for a second time. The heartbeat of our baby.
"Foetal heartbeat!" Lucy announced and I felt a huge wave of relief wash over me. However all traces of happiness were gone as the dreaded beeping of the heart monitor started going off and I heard Jackson announce B-Fib. My heart started beating so fast I swear it was going to burst out of my chest and fly across the room. I felt the tears rolling down my face as I watched them start CPR and begin to intubate her.
"This is my entire fault…" I cried quietly to myself as I watched them. No one else heard me. If I hadn't taken my eyes off the road…
"Charge to 120! Clear!"
Nothing.
"Okay, charge the paddles to 200! Clear!"
I breathed a sigh of relief and shook the tears away from my eyes as I heard her heart rate stabilise. I was now full on sobbing but I didn't care.
I stumbled after them as they ran with Callie towards the elevator to the OR floor. I stayed back because I knew there was no chance I'd be allowed to go with them. As I stood there and watched as the elevators closed and Calliope was screened from my view I felt everything catch up to me until I could barely stand anymore.
"I… I asked her to marry me and the truck came out of nowhere." I choked out before collapsing into a chair that was near me. I put my head in my hands and began to sob. I stayed like this for a few minutes before I felt I soft hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see the worried face of April Kepner looking down at me. She took my hand and I let her pull me up gently.
"C'mon. They're in OR three. You can watch." She said gently before we began to walk quickly towards the OR. I barely payed attention as we made our way down the familiar hallways that I'd walked so many times before.
I smiled at April and nodded to her as we entered the OR gallery, signalling that it was okay for her to leave. I watched closely, never blinking as I watched them prep Callie for surgery and I panicked when I saw how many people were rushing about and shouting. I hoped they didn't think that I'd missed the close call with the Anaesthesia; I would definitely be bringing that up later.
I was on the edge of my seat as I watched them begin to operate on Callie's brain and her abdomen at the same time. I knew that if she made it through this surgery then it would be barely. I sighed in relief as I saw Owen tell everyone to breathe and for any non-essential people to vacate the OR. I was glad Owen seemed to be in charge. I watched as Derek looked up at me.
"Someone needs to be with Mark." He said, and I looked away, trying to hide what I'd just heard him say. So he blamed me. Everyone probably did.
I just sat and observed and took everything in through blurry vision as they continued to operate. It made my head spin, trying to catch their every move when there was so much going on at once. I found myself craning my neck to see past people and half standing out of my seat just to get a better view. I locked eyes with Teddy a few times and she gave me a reassuring nod.
Just breathe, Arizona. I told myself firmly but as soon as I heard the foetal monitor beep indicating that Callie was contracting, any thought of breathing or calming down was washed from my brain. I felt myself breathe and a rush of oxygen to my head as the contractions stopped and I collapsed back into my seat, feeling highly dizzy. I it was probably from the nasty cut I had on my forehead but I could hardly feel it now.
I closed my eyes as I heard them agree to temporarily close her up. I knew the next twenty four hours would be touch and go, but at least she'd made it through so far. And so had our baby.
I barely noticed Alex entering the gallery as they closed Calliope up and began clearing the OR. He sat down beside me and nudged me with his shoulder to get my attention.
"What do you need?" He asked. "I could stitch up that nasty cut you've got going on there." He offered and I shook my head slightly, swaying in my seat.
"I'm okay, I-" I said to him, nodding my head. "I'm fine." I repeated weakly and I could no longer prevent my voice from cracking and the sobs took over my body yet again. I lowered my head to my chest and let myself cry. Alex wrapped a strong arm around me and I felt glad to know that he didn't blame me. Or, at least he wasn't showing it.
It wasn't long before his pager went off again and I snapped my head up. He grabbed it from his pocket and sighed in relief when there were no 911s. "Addison will be here soon, Webber called her. We've got 45 minutes. I've to go greet her. You clean yourself up and I'll get someone to stitch up your cut."
I sighed and nodded my head, shakily standing up and heading towards the Attending's lounge. They probably wouldn't let me see Callie yet and they definitely wouldn't let me see her if I was covered in blood and glass and all types of things that could affect the sanity of her room. I figured if I changed into new scrubs and got this cut stitched up I would at least be allowed near the ICU.
However as soon as I reached the attending's lounge I collapsed on a couch near the door and just let myself cry it out. I couldn't believe that this had happened. I was supposed to keep her safe. I was supposed to wait to propose and I was supposed to keep my eyes on the road. It was my job to keep Calliope and our baby safe for one weekend and I'd failed and now I didn't even know if they would live.
After a while I looked up to see April standing there again, this time holding a suture kit. I smiled. Apart from Karev obviously, she was my favourite resident.
"I'm under strict instructions to do a good job of it." She half smiled, walking towards me and beginning to work. "They're in a conference room right now, figuring out a plan. The Attendings. They're gonna work it out."
I smiled. Although I had plenty of doubts and I was scared shitless of what was going to happen next, whatever that was, I knew that Calliope and our baby had an excellent team of surgeons on their team. "We were supposed to be at a bed and breakfast, but instead…" I trailed of, another wave of shame coming over me.
"You can talk to me, you know. Rant, cry. Whatever." She said softly as she continued to work. "I know Attendings don't generally talk to residents, especially not me, and we barely know each other, but you can if you want. I won't say anything." She said and I smiled at her.
"Half of them don't even think the baby should be my baby. Cause Callie and Mark slept together and I didn't originally want kids. I've heard the rumours." I half spat.
"They don't." April lied quickly before sighing. "Well, some of them do, but not all of them. I for one think it's amazing what you're doing. Alex thinks it's, in his words, awesome. Meredith said that although she and Callie never originally got along well, she cared about her happiness and she's happy to see that you make her happy. "
"They still blame me. I can tell Derek does. I took my eyes off the road and we were fighting and I was being selfish and I proposed and I should have just waited but I didn't and now I could lose them both…" I trailed off, feeling the tears build up once more.
"One time, when I was eight, me and my sister Libby were arguing in the car. We'd been bickering on and off all day and my mom had enough of it. She turned around in her seat to tell us off and a car went into the front of us. We were all fine, just a bit of whiplash and soreness, but my mom never stopped feeling horrible for it. And Libby and I both felt horrible because we were the ones arguing. But it was no one's fault. Just like this." April reassured me, drawing back from my forehead and examining her handiwork. "Perfect, if I do say so myself." She said with a smile.
Just then, Mark came barging into the room. "Robbins, they want us in the ICU." He said simply before walking back out.
"Thanks, April. Really." I said sincerely before following Mark. By the tone of his voice I could tell it was nothing emergent, but I still wanted to get there quickly, because in my books everything that was going to happen today and in the next few days would be emergent.
"What's going on?" I asked Bailey as I watched April, who had followed me, go into Callie's room and start looking over her drain sites.
"Well, it would appear that we found a way to possibly improve Callie's cardiac status." She began slowly.
"Well tell us then!" I urged and she frowned.
"It's… If we deliver the baby." She said and we both went silent for a second.
"But the baby won't make it. It's barely even viable." I said, stunned.
"Why are we even talking about the baby?" Mark butted in and I felt my whole body stop in shock.
"Did you even just say that?" I asked in shock, shaking my head. He knew as well as I did that Callie wanted this baby more than anything, and she wouldn't get this baby if we delivered it now.
"We'll just make another baby." He exclaimed and I felt sick just to even think about it. The fact that Callie and Mark had already slept together already made me sick, but to suggest they do it again? Oh hell no. "If delivering this baby means that Callie gets a better shot, then I say that we give her the best chance she'll get!"
"It's not that simple, Mark!" I exclaimed, raising my voice.
"I don't like it! It's horrible, but it is that simple!" He retaliated. "We can have another baby, but we can't have another Callie!"
"Oh, so what, you're just going to screw my girlfriend again?"
"Oh, for goodness sake, just get over it! We screwed, it's no big deal!"
"It is, Mark! It is a big deal!" I shouted firmly.
"Well if that's what it takes to make a child, MY child, we'll screw again!" He said as if it was the most simple and brainless thing ever. But it hurt. Because I knew, deep down, that if Mark got his way and this baby died, that Callie actually might sleep with him again to make a baby together.
"No, you won't!"
"Yes, we will!"
"You are out of your mind! Just because you're too much of a man-whore to make a relationship actually work, doesn't mean you get to make the life of my children how you want it!"
The arguing continued and I kept ignoring the warnings from the nurse as we continued to shout, the insults getting more personal every time. After a while we had given up on the resolve of actually figuring this out and now we were just shouting harmful things at each other, which was not what I wanted to happen, because I knew I'd say something I would regret, but I was not backing down from this. I would not let our baby die.
"A baby born at 23 weeks risks Encephalopathy, ROP, Cerebral Paulsy, Developmental-" I began rattling of a list of every risk I could think of, which was endless, which was exactly why I wanted to wait.
"I know the risks!" He shouted.
"Oh, do you? Because you're acting like you don't care about the baby!"
"I'm thinking about Callie! You don't think I care? This is my baby!"
"You're not being rational, Mark!"
"Oh you never wanted this" He began and I just stood back for a second in semi surrender. He was seriously playing this card? "You never asked for this, so why the Hell are you giving some opinion on-"
"No, no!" I shouted. "You know what I didn't ask for? I didn't ask for you Mark. And you know what you are, you're basically a sperm donor, I mean this is me, and Callie, and we're together so I say-"
"No! You don't get a say! This is my family! I'm the father. I'm the father! You're- not- anything! You're nothing!" He shouted and I drew my body back from my defensive stance and let those words sink in. They really hurt. I know I called him a sperm donor, but at least he had an actual argument against that. I didn't, really. Apart from unconditional love, legally, I was nothing.
"You know what? I'm done here." I said. "Done." I said before walking off. I decided to go and calm down somewhere far away from here.
As soon as I reached a private place, however, I found myself longing to go back and see Callie. So I did. Derek had already told us that she might not wake up, although it was too soon to tell, and after a bombshell like that I needed to just see her and hold her hand and promise her she'd be okay.
I walked past Bailey who nodded to me as I entered the room, closing the door behind me and walking over to the bed where my Calliope lay. I collapsed into the chair, bewildered at the sight of her lying there, motionless, and as white as a sheet. None of the Calliope warmth that I remembered and loved so much was there anymore. Just the dull clicking of the ventilator and the persistent beeping of the monitors that were attached to her.
I took her hand in mine, gasping when it was cold. I knew that that was expected, and it was actually just a regular temperature, but Callie's hands were always so warm and it was horrible to feel them anything but that. However I continued to grasp her hand in mine, as if keeping it warm, and I began to talk to her. I knew she couldn't hear me, but I still told her everything that happened.
"Mark's kind a right, you know." I sighed sadly, speaking what was on my mind. My biggest fear. "I mean legally, I'm no one. Which is kind of crazy." I continued through a sore throat, the result of spending much of my day yelling or crying. "Because I feel like your wife. I feel like our baby's mom." I said, trying to clear my throat so that I could continue through my tears. As I looked down at her broken body, it all came flooding to me, that even if Mark was still here, we could make it work. Because I loved Callie and we were going to have a kid soon who I would love just as much.
"Can you just… Live?" I pleaded and my voice broke, a sign that another inevitable break down was coming. With no resolve left in me to fight it, I just let myself say everything that I'd bundled up. "Can you live, for me?" I repeated. "Please? Live for me?" I said before no more words could come out of my mouth and I just sat there staring at her. The number of different thoughts racing through my mind was endless, haunting my brain and stabbing at my heart and gnawing at my tear ducts. It was overwhelming, the feeling of utter insignificance I felt as I thought over everything Callie was and stood for in my life.
She stood for change. When I left Maryland, I was a completely different person than I was now, because she'd changed me- in the best way possible. She stood for happiness- before I came here, my life was okay, but I wasn't necessarily happy, and the moment I'd kissed her in that dirty bar bathroom I'd felt the happiest I'd been in a long time. And, above all, she brought love. My love for Calliope and our baby was nothing like I'd ever experienced before and it scared the crap out of me, yet it was the best thing I'd ever felt.
In that moment, I knew I was being merely hopeful. If I were in doctor mode right now I would have faced the facts and realised that there was a slim chance that Callie would live through the next twenty four hours, let alone wake up- and that was without the numbers of surgeries and endless recovery sessions she would have to go through if she did.
The thought of living without her, raising our baby and bringing it up to be the right person without Callie made me feel sick. How was I supposed to do it? Would our baby even live? Of course that was what Callie wanted. It was what everyone wanted. But could I live without Callie? What was I supposed to do?
My contemplations were cut short by the shrill beeping, whirring, and chiming of machines. My heart sunk thousand feet as I saw her vitals in the monitor drop. I stood up and backed off, suddenly and unnecessarily scared that I'd done something to cause this. I noticed Mark, Addison, Bailey and a whole entire group of people run into the room, but I couldn't register anything but Calliope lying there on the bed and the noise of the machines. All I could utter, quietly and a thousand times over in a silent plea to whoever was watching up there, were the words Please, live for me.
So I decided to split this chapter, because it's over 4,000 words already and if I kept going then it would last forever. Don't worry, though, the next chapter will be up soon enough- I'm on a random writing streak and I literally wrote this in two days. So, please read and review?