Being Arizona chapter twenty one

That feeling of being trapped was back. Just like after Tim died, I could hardly breathe let alone move. My mind and vision were a blur of people and voices, shouting incoherent words as we ran down the hallway, pulling Callie's gurney along with us. I urged my feet to move faster, for my brain to catch up with real life. I felt like we were going in slow motion.

"Please, live for me." I repeated quietly to myself. Reluctantly letting go of the gurney, I watched as they wheeled Calliope down the hallway, into the elevator and out of sight. Without another word to Mark who was standing silently beside me, staring at the spot where they'd just disappeared as if they were about to come back, I turned on my heel and headed for the stairway that lead straight to the OR floor.

I burst into the OR gallery just in time to see them finish prepping her. They held a quick discussion over what they were planning to do, and it was agreed that Meredith and Derek would operate on her brain and Bailey and the chief on her abdomen, while Cristina and Teddy would operate on her heart. I felt my eyebrows knit in worry because I knew that it was a lot for her body, and our baby, to take. However I trusted the surgeons in the OR bellow me with my life. More than that- with Callie and our baby's life.

I briefly noticed the clock on the wall of the OR; shocked when it read that it was eleven in the morning. It had said that the last time I checked, too. Had it really been a while day since we were last here? I quickly shrugged it off and turned back to the events of the OR, it briefly registering in my mind that Mark had also entered the gallery.

"We should pray." I stated blankly, my throat screaming in protest. "Callie would want us to pray."

"I haven't stopped praying since yesterday." Mark muttered and I sighed, bowing my head and clasping my hands anyway.

God. You can hear this, right? It's strange, but… Please. Show up because we need you now. Please save Calliope and our baby and please give me strength to support them. Help us. Please. Amen.

I flinched and was snapped out of my prayer as I heard the heart monitors start to go off, and I diverted my attention instead from the abdominal surgery to Teddy and Cristina's work, where they appeared to be having an argument over whether to do a percutaneous repair or not. Whatever they decided to do they needed to do it fast, because Callie's vitals were tanking and they didn't have much time.

I brought my legs up to my chest and slowly began to rock myself as Teddy stabilised the heart and Cristina took over. I could barely watch. She was just a resident. An extremely talented one, I know, but still just a resident.

I heard the flat lining of her heart and my whole world froze. Throughout this whole ordeal, no matter how bad it had gotten, never once had Callie's heart stopped beating. I hated to let my thoughts veer towards the fact that she might be giving up on us. They were massaging her heart. They were pushing epi. Her brain was bleeding and Addison was about to deliver our baby.

Without thinking, I automatically followed Mark and ran down to the scrub room, shoving a pair of surgical gloves on and grabbing a mask. I entered just in time to watch Addison walk over with our baby, who was no bigger than her hands. I stopped in my tracks as I watched them struggle to get a heartbeat both on our baby and on Callie.

As soon as Mark turned round to me, looking me in the eye and silently pleading for me to step in, I snapped out of it and began working on what I learned was our daughter. My hands worked automatically as I watched what I was doing with blurry eyes. As I went through the routine I knew so well, of pushing medicines and performing CPR, I hoped and prayed that this tiny life in front of me would pull through.

It was pure music to my ears as I heard the dull beeping of our daughter's heart monitor pick up, nothing else but the sweet sound of the heartbeat that I was truly privileged to hear for the third time filling my ears. "I have a heartbeat!" I choked out, my face stretching into a smile that ached my muscles. In the background I vaguely heard the chief announce that Calliope's heart was strong too, and I glanced up at Mark, communicating with my eyes a silent apology for everything I'd said.

I felt all eyes on me as my knees went weak and emotions overcame me, and without warning I collapsed to my knees in the middle of the OR, clasping my hands in prayer once again.

Thank you.

I didn't once take my eyes off of my eyes off of my daughter as we set her up in an incubator and rushed her to the NICU. I had basically taken over as I barked orders at everyone, not caring about the harsh tone in my voice. My daughter's life was on the line.

I stood back and took a deep breath once we had her stabilised enough to breath, and took a deep breath. The nurses and other doctors slowly cleared off to give us a minute as Mark and I walked forward to admire our beautiful baby girl.

"She's beautiful." Mark breathed as we peered down at her tiny form. Although she was all tubes and wires, and she was fighting for her life against so many different complications along with possible ones, she was fighting. As I looked closer I saw a small tuft of beautiful black hair smoothed against her tiny head. Her little hand was moving back and forth, as if she was waving, although I knew it was probably the medicine.

"I think her name should be Sofia." I admitted to Mark, looking up to meet his gaze, which was obviously curious due to my random outburst. "Calliope really liked that name. Her face lit up when she read it from the book. It was the number one on her list."

"It's perfect for her." Mark agreed, standing straight. "We should go see Callie." He said and I agreed before we walked together to Callie's room, for once not arguing or competing with each other, just walking.

Once we reached the ICU, which was only a small while away from the NICU, we found Derek watching Callie. He turned to us as we walked up to him.

"We've done everything we can; now we just have to wait for her to wake up." He said solemnly and we both nodded.

"Well, the fact that she barely responded when you weaned her off the paralytics before…" Mark trailed off and I cringed at the memory of Derek telling us that she didn't respond the last time and that she might not wake up.

"Might have meant that she wasn't ready to wake up." Derek finished for him.

"Or…" I began.

"Her brain may have been compromised and she may not wake up." He said. I felt my eyes fill with tears. Sofia was barely hanging on and Calliope might never wake up. I wasn't sure if I could handle this.

Derek walked off to give us time to think and I continued to gaze at Callie's unconscious form, my thoughts with our daughter in the NICU.

"You're not nothing." Mark said suddenly and I looked at him in confusion. "We have a kid together. You're a mom. I'm a dad…. I'm sorry." He added, a trace of hope in his voice that I would forgive him. But the fact was that I had already forgiven him. I gave him a long look and let that look communicate my apology.

"She's gonna wake up." I said certainly. "She has to wake up." I repeated. We stood there for a few moments before Mark excused himself, saying that he was going back down to the NICU. I nodded and decided to go and sit with Callie, my mind given peace that Sofia wasn't alone.

I collapsed in the chair beside her bed, an overwhelming sense of de ja vu washing over me as I stared at Calliope Iphigenia Torres, the love of my life.

"We have a daughter." I began. "A beautiful daughter. You're a mom. Mark's a dad." I said. "I'm a mom." I added, a tone of realisation in my voice. I let out a small laugh. Never, not once throughout my teenage years or my adulthood would I have every though I'd be uttering those words. But now that I was saying them, they felt natural. Amazing. I was a mom to that beautiful baby girl lying in the NICU and I couldn't be prouder.

"We named her Sofia." I told her. "I know you really liked that name, and once you see her you'll see that it fits perfectly. It really suits her."

"She's really small. She's one pound one ounce of… strong." I smiled. "Fighting against all the complications… She's got beautiful black hair, Calliope, beautiful hair. She's… She's beautiful." I said, knowing that nothing was ever going to make me smile bigger than talking about my daughter. Our daughter.

"She can't open her eyes yet, but I can tell- she's looking for you." I told her, my smile fading and tears reforming in the corners of my eyes. "Okay? She's looking for you. So you have to wake up.2 I said, before sitting back in my chair. I closed my eyes for a second and felt the sleep that I had neglected for close to three days pulling at my body. It took all the effort I had to lean forward and let my head rest on the bed beside Callie so that I could keep her hand.

I was woken hours later by the soft jolt of something hear my right ear. I stayed still for a minute, just about to pass it off as my imagination when I heard an undistinguishable grunt above me. I snapped my head up, stuttering through the dizzy rush from having sat up to quickly.

"W-What?" I stuttered, breathing heavily. "Oh my God. Callie?" I asked carefully, holding my breath as I watched her beautiful soft eyelids flutter open.

"Yea…mmm…"

"What? What is it?" I asked, my hands shaking as I clasped hers tightly. I felt my heart rise to my throat and watched in anticipation as the worked to from words.

"..I-I'll marry you." She grunted and I felt my heart leap. An automatic smile burst over my face and all I could do was laugh. In relief, in shock, in happiness- I laughed. I heard a few people come over to stand by the door and watch the scene unfold but I had eyes only for my beautiful brunette fiancé lying before me.

"I love you, you beautiful, smart, honourable, amazing, and kind person." I said firmly, planting kissed on her forehead and all over her face as I spoke each word. I realised now that I probably didn't tell her how much I loved her often enough how much I loved her, and I'd be damned if a single minute went passed when I wasn't telling her how much I loved her and our daughter.

"The baby…" Callie said through a cracked voice. I helped her drink some water as I replied.

"Our daughter is one pound, one ounce of strong. Little Sofia has a long road ahead of her but she's fighting like hell."

A small smile appeared on Callie's face and I had never realised how much I missed the sight of it. I leaned in and kissed her again, this time a lot softer. "I love you." I told her, using a hand to caress the side of her face softly.

"You do?" She said as her eyes widened, and the memories of the first time I confessed my feelings for her replaying in my head.

"I do."

"I love you too."