Warning- There is some potentially disturbing material in this chapter, so brace yourselves.

It was Saturday, and I woke up after Mello, alone in the bed. I sighed and stared at the pillow for a moment, then got up out of bed, going to the couch. I tripped before I could get there though, catching myself with my hands before I could fall on my face.

"Ow. Shit. Why the fuck did you step on me?" whimpered Mello.

"Ah! I'm sorry!" I scrambled away from him, curling up into my protective ball, grasping for my goggles that weren't around my neck. Yeah, I had a few childhood habits. "I didn't see you." I went into automatic apology mode.

"Relax, Matt. God, you're such a woman sometimes." I blushed and stood up, offering him a hand. He batted it away and lay on the floor again, looking at the ceiling.

"What are you doing?" he smiled, and just like that, the tripping was forgotten.

"Getting a new perspective on life." he said softly. I sat beside him and stared at him while he was distracted, his icy blue eyes darting around the ceiling. Suddenly, they flicked to me, making me jump and blush. I looked away quickly, but I was caught. "Seriously, what's with you staring?"

"Nothing. I don't know. I'm sorry!" he sat up, and I noticed he had no shirt on. This normally wouldn't bother me but lately...

"Did you mean what you said last night?" he interrupted my thoughts

"What?" I was confused and embarrassed enough. What did I do now?

"About my eyes. You said they were beautiful." He said this in his soft, only for me voice. He didn't talk to anyone else like that and I sometimes wondered why. I wasn't that special really, I had fiery red hair and green eyes that my mom used to make me hide, hence the goggles. That was before she got sick. Now it's just a habit. If I'm around lots of people, the goggles go on. I'm pretty smart I guess; the third smartest in Wammy's. I had a knack for video games and computers. I was pretty tall, taller than Mello. But I was a geek. I wasn't very attractive. Mello was perfect. He was like an angel. He was smart, and beautiful, and he could make anyone do anything he wanted. So why did he speak to me like that?

"I- I was- That is- I- Yes. Yes I meant it. I didn't mean to say it out loud though and if it made you mad or freaked you out I'm sorry we can forget it happened I was just tired and it spilled out I didn't mean to I'm sorry!" I said this all in a rush and hung my head after, pulling myself into my ball again. I felt Mello lean closer and braced myself for the yelling, hitting, anything. But he surprised me, making me freeze, by touching my hair. He took a lock of it and ran his fingers down it, then twirled it gently around his fingers. His fingers met my chin and he held my face up, looking into my eyes.

"You have beautiful eyes too." He said gently, brushing a finger across my cheekbone. I just stared at him. We sat there for a moment, his fingertips against my skin. Finally, he broke the silence with, "Breakfast time!" and he stood up, going to find a shirt. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in, reaching up to touch my face where his fingers had been.

You're probably wondering what I had decided last night. I had actually decided two things that went with each other. One: I was gay. Two: I was in love with Mello. As we sat down for breakfast it was obvious to me how much I loved him. Everything about him, the way he glared around at people with his blue eyes, how his expression changed when he looked at me, turned almost soft, gentle. That didn't last long though.

"I swear to god Matt, if you don't stop staring at me I'm going to kill you!" I blushed and looked down, mumbling,

"Sorry." He was silent for a minute.

"What's with you, Matty? You've been weird lately."

"Nothing's 'with me', I'm fine." I moved my food around with my fork, no longer hungry. Mello nudged my leg with his foot under the table, doing weird things to my body.

"Matty, you can talk to me." He said so quietly I could barely hear him. I looked up into his eyes, imagining myself above him, panting, sweet sensations running through my body as I- No! A deep blush took over my face at my little fantasy. No, no, no, no, no, we do not want to fuck our friends! Or make them moan... Pin them down and kiss every inch of their bodies... NO! God damn it! His worried stare bore into me like my mother's broken eyes the night my father left us. Pain and confusion swirled around my brain. What's with me?

"I- I need to- Get some..." Excuse, excuse... come on, genius! "Homework..." I stood and threw out all my food, then ran off to our room, shutting myself in the bathroom. We had no lock on the door, for it got broken once when Mello slammed the door during one of his temper tantrums.

Sometimes when I thought about my mother, I went into a state where I do anything to stop thinking about her. Usually, gaming helped, but I couldn't do that in case Mello came in. And I didn't really have the balls to talk to him about my... sexuality yet. What can I do? I thought. I noticed the razor Mel kept in the bathroom in case one of us finally had a reason to use it. So far, no luck, but I had thought of other things for it. I pulled up the sleeve of my striped shirt, finding a clear spot on my arm. There were so many cuts already that I had trouble, but I could manage.

I took the razor apart, taking out one of the small individual razors and brought the blade to my wrist. I cut across once, watching the blood bead up a bit. Some relief went through me, but it wasn't enough. I had to punish myself. I had to make it go away. I took a deep breath and cut under the first one, then again under the second, adding to the line of neat cuts across my wrist, when Mello threw the door open suddenly, startling me.

"Mello..." he was staring at me, pure horror and sadness on his face.

"M-Matt?" I dropped the razor and pulled my sleeve over my arm.

"I was just-"

"Matt Jeevas, don't you ever even THINK ABOUT HURTING YOURSELF LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT MATTY?" He screamed at me, making me curl in on myself, a light, throbbing pain stabbing at my wrist. I shrunk away from him as he crouched down, taking my arm in his hand. I was loose, a ragdoll. He whispered, "What could be hurting you inside so bad that you have to do this?" I sniffed a bit, fighting tears. I was always the one crying, always the weak one. "Hey, Matt? What could be so bad? Please, tell me. Tell me anything. Tell me all your dirtiest, saddest, most disturbing thoughts! I don't care! Just never, ever do that again, do you hear me?" My breathing grew ragged from the effort. I couldn't do it. I couldn't put all that on him. "Matt." I shook my head. "Mail." I looked up at him, wide eyed. He never called me that. I only told him my real name so he would know I trusted him. That's how we became true friends. I guess that's how I fell in love with him. My voice sounded rough when I spoke.

"I- I can't. I can't put that on you. You're all I have. I don't want to lose you, Mihael." His mouth opened a bit. He sighed softly.

"Why did you- Why did you... Cut yourself?"

"I had to do something. It's all my fault, everything is my fault. I'm bad luck, and now I've made everything worse!" I stared up at him, tears suddenly gone. "You should kill me."

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?" Mello exploded, shock taking over him entirely. "I would never do that! And how did you make it worse?" I hung my head.

"I'm bad." I whispered.

"Because of this?" Mello picked up my arm again.

"Yes... and something else."

"What? Tell me Matty!" I slowly looked up at him, taking off my goggles.

"Well, the thing is..." I paused, staring at him. This could be the last time I get to look him in the eyes.

"I love you..."